Henry VIII composed masses, songs and motets, played lute and keyboard, and owned seventy-two flutes at his death. All male English kids at the time had to practice archery. The enclosure movement was about rearing of sheep more than the growing of crops. “Communal effort was slowly being supplanted by competition.” This was the time of the rise of the merchant. Thomas More becomes the new chancellor. The penalty for poisoning someone was to be boiled alive. The first person to be boiled alive, his name was Al Dente. There was no sense of privacy in the 16th century world. Anything you said could and would be used against you. Between 1534 and 1540, there were over 300 executions for the charge of treason. Merely criticizing the king privately got you killed under the Treasons Act. John Haughton was the first to die for this. “He was partially hanged before his heart was ripped out and rubbed in his face, his bowels were then pulled from his while he still lived and burned before him. He was beheaded and his body cut into quarters.” No wonder citizens were fleeing England at the time.
Five men accused of sleeping with Anne Boleyn were executed. Anne is then the first queen of England to be beheaded. Twenty-seven people testify that Anne had sex with her own brother. Yeah, sure. If you have sex with your own brother, its hard to imagine not inviting 27 people to watch just so they can later blackmail you. Severe repression worked and soon the realm was quiet about the many abuses caused by Henry VIII. Thanks to him, “within three years the monasteries, the friaries, the priories and the nunneries would be gone.” The religious life of ten centuries was destroyed (when he permanently broke with Rome). The friar, John Forrest is then burned, he takes two hours to die in front of 10,000. Would you like to be roasted? Well, I’m more of a friar. Why aren’t these gruesome past events today called legal lynchings? English history seems to be white men doing the nastiest stuff to each other for centuries, under the guise of Christianity. Eleven years prior to Henry’s break with Rome, you’d be burned for reading an English Bible, but now every English Church had to have one. “It was said the voice of God was English.” What rubbish. Hampton Court becomes the largest structure in England since Roman times. Cromwell is executed by incompetents which takes a half-hour of hacking. The years of Wolsey and Cromwell are now over. The Stuart dynasty begins with the daughter of Robert the Bruce and ends with the death of Queen Anne 172 years later.
During those Tudor days, “a lute was placed in many barber shops, for customers to while away the time”. I’ll bet if you picked up one of those lutes and sang the Herman’s Hermits hit “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am” in one of those Tudor barber shops, you’d soon be tortured to death. Katherine Parr gets put on the rack and tortured and then tied to a stake and burned. Par for the course; what a country. “It was decreed that elaborate polyphonal music was no longer appropriate in a house of worship.” “The English were no longer allowed to pray for their dead.” If two witnesses said you were guilty of “idle living”, you could be branded with a V on your chest and forced to live as a slave for two years. This was meant as an attempt to curb vagrancy. Elite were afraid of the masterless man, “anyone walking free (like Jesus obviously did) had to be detained or restrained.” In 1548, “all preaching was prohibited except for those especially licensed to do so.” Jesus himself didn’t have a license and if he therefore couldn’t preach, in 1548, there would be no Christians. Anyway, Mass now had to be said in English not Latin. Parish churches now were plain and bare, with no decoration.
You had to be at church on Sunday. The first time you skipped it you would get six months imprisonment. Skip church three times and you get imprisoned for life. The cut with Rome was complete, no pope needed anymore. Edward VI dies, followed by Queen Jane who rules for nine days. A boy who says, “the Lady Mary has the better title” has his ears “severed at the root on the following morning.” Mary I was half-Spanish. Any crowd in London during Mary’s I reign was dispersed. Mary executes 300 Protestants during her reign. She is followed by the famed Elizabeth I. On page 260, Peter says after every meal in England ended with a belching contest. If speaking one’s mind leads to torture, what else is left to safely say except by belching? Meanwhile for some religious flaw, the bishop of Gloucester is slowly roasted with his arms falling off and spectators enjoying watching the “fat, water and blood drop out at his finger ends.” He still lived for anther ¾ of an hour. A jar of pitch placed on a young farmers head and set alight. Spectators of the time weren’t very sympathetic. Victims would be pelted by rocks and sticks. There would be concession stands selling their wares at executions, and you got 40 indulgences for bringing wood to the fire. Children were instructed to bring wood. One burning man who began singing a psalm is silenced by a rock on the side of his head. A religious commissioner said to the rock thrower, “Truly you have marred a good old song.” “It was said one burning was worth more than one hundred sermons.” Lovely.
Calvin is partly responsible for this sadistic religious crap; Calvin had declared that Christian had a duty to “destroy” false gods. Let’s look at linear progress: under Henry VIII Catholics were burned, while under Elizabeth “some 200 Catholics were strangled or disemboweled.” Vive la difference. Whether your Tudor monarch was a man or woman, looked like Bette Davis or not, you still had to live in fear in a sadistic land. And that violence wasn’t confined to royalty: the stone throwers at executions and that “the people would rather go a bear-baiting than to attend a divine service”.
Elizabeth I to her credit though did not like war; as she said, “My mind was never to invade my neighbors.” The English possession of 211 years on port of Calais is lost. It had cost a fortune to upkeep. Elizabeth I spoke Latin, Italian, French, Spanish, German, and English. She was rarely (if ever) alone. She restored debased coinage to its real value. Mary is forced to abdicate in Scotland and is replaced by James VI. Timber and clay houses are replaced by stone and plaster. Elizabeth I wore the first wristwatch in 1572. The French could be violent douchebags too: “Count Orsini had told the French king that not one Huguenot should be left alive in France.” The Anabaptists are tortured during Elizabeth’s reign for saying Christians shouldn’t be carrying swords. Getting tortured for believing in Christian non-violence. Torture was a royal prerogative in matters of the state. In an exceedingly rare appearance by the real God, on January 12, 1583, the stand of a bear-pit collapses killing many spectators (one hopes the bears dined well that night and the meat wasn’t too tough).
James VI of Scotland and Elizabeth I agree (Treaty of Berwick) to do the Protestant thing together and protect each other in case of invasion. Philip II of Spain had lost his armada but was powerful and still owned the Philippines, Indonesia and much of lower America. His revenue was 10X what Elizabeth was getting. Elizabeth hated shaded portraits and wouldn’t allow portraits of her to shade her face, or make her look at all old. She would have liked ring lights. When Elizabeth died, they had to carefully cut her coronation ring off. Now was the coronation of King James VI and also the end of the Tudors. Very good book.