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336 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2005
And as they grow closer to the door, the song becomes louder. As they reach the plain unadorned door it's so distinct now it frightens her, and she's about to cry out to the boy and tell him to stop when he takes the door knob in his hand and opens it. Out of it roars a music that's more than pain, more than anguish, more than desolation, more than sorrow, more than grief. Out of it roars the greatest of all losses, the loss that can't be endured. It's not a loss that one truly survives let alone surmounts, it's not a loss that one out-exists let alone outlives; it's the loss that breaks your heart and it never mends. It never mends. It calls into question everything, so that it entails in some way all the other losses: home is lost; fortune and livelihood have no more meaning; love not only has no more meaning but becomes a kind of emotional treason; faith becomes a kind of spiritual treason; dignity becomes a joke; the soul is forever in the terminal grip of a psychic cancer; health is an affront; the loss of a parent is the perverse twin of this loss, like the reflection in the mirror of a funhouse; freedom is a curse; life is torture. Memory is worst of all. From the doorway of this tiny closet or pantry one would almost gladly flee, if possible, to the Suite of Lost Memory, or failing to reach that, perhaps even the Suite of Lost Life. This is the Unendurable Loss because it involves the one thing that one loves more than one's own life; and no meaning that one strives to give her own life; however great or good, can ever truly compensate for what's been lost, will ever be truly convincing in any scheme of things that in the heart of hearts one believes. This loss is the essence of the universe's impossibility, it's the one thing for which a benevolent God never has a persuasive answer, and which a malevolent God holds over the head of humanity.
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