Swingland: Between the Sheets of the Secretive, Sometimes Messy, but Always Adventurous Swinging Lifestyle

by Daniel Stern

The wryly amusing and revealing story of one man’s journey into the swinger lifestyle that pulls back the curtain on this fascinating, and often misunderstood, subculture.

An estimated fifteen million strong worldwide, swingers are everywhere – a huge community, hiding in plain sight, whose erotic pastime remains a complete mystery to the rest of us. In Swingland, Daniel Stern outs himself and the secretive society he loves, recounting his ten-year transformation from a lonely guy who couldn’t get a date into a veteran sexual adventurer.

Swingland is much more than just a titillating exposé – there is also plenty of invaluable advice for those thinking of taking the plunge themselves (be honest, sensitive and hygienic!). Lovingly written, with a keen sensibility, Stern’s narrative is as improbably safe as it is fun – and impossible to put down.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Memoir, Erotica, Sociology, Biography Memoir, Relationships

296 pages, Paperback

First published September 25, 2013

About the author

Daniel is a Sundance Lab finalist and Top 4 Project Greenlight Screenwriter. He has a BA from Wake Forest University and an MFA from the Actors Studio Drama School. But, of all his achievements, he's most proud of his 1987 Missouri State Parent/Child Bowling Championship.

He lives in Los Angeles, California.

Reviews

[Anastasia Kallah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a former mystical Golden Unicorn, I am mildly disappointed that Swingland was not written for me (an embarrassing product of my Unicorn entitlement), but for an audience of men who may be interested in the Lifestyle. The writer's tone, though, is accessible to all and user-friendly, making it easy to overstep societal boundaries to safely experiment as a voyeur in the realm of the taboo.

In his book, Daniel Stern offers up his own unabashed experiences and practical insights as to the private counter-culture of the swinger's lifestyle. Filled with etiquette cues needful for avoiding swingers' faux pas, Swingland can accurately be described as a manual for no-strings-attached, group sexual activity. Filled with practical advice built from anecdotal evidence, Stern puts potential newbies in the know regarding situation specific topics such as setting up profiles on swinger's websites that get noticed, the Photoshop conundrum, and Lifestyle lingo that will have you talking the talk like a pro. After contacts are made, Stern offers guidance regarding meet-and-greets, courteous and successful house party hosting, and respecting both hard and soft-limit boundaries of new playmates. Particularly impressive is his ability to create a clear dialog explaining common snares and pitfalls for the single man to avoid when seeking playpartners, be they single women, married couples, or groups.

Swingland opens the door to a growing society previously hidden to mainstream America, filled with warmth, humor, and the ever present, neatly folded stack of hand-towels. Condoms not optional.

A digital copy of this book was provided by the publisher for purposes of review.

[David Lowry · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Swingland, Daniel Stern discusses his journey being a single male in the swinger lifestyle. This is an accomplishment in of itself because most single men don't do well in this lifestyle as they are not at all desired in this world and rightfully so for the most part. As many would have you believe, this is NOT a man bragging about his sexual prowess, it's about how a slow, steady approach even one full of mistakes, doubt and lack of self-esteem allowed him to find a apart of himself and achieve sexual freedom in a very difficult world.

The book is part how to as well. It's very basic information but as with many things, many people miss out on the common sense part of it and need to be taught even the most basic of things when dealing with other people and their feelings or expectations.

It is well written, easily readable and informative and a must read for anyone interested in this lifestyle. Even though it is written from a single males perspective, it offers up a lot of good and relative information for anyone interested in swinging.

Take the book for what it is and keep an open mind. You might just find out something about yourself and possibly enjoy it.

[Jennifer Pebbles · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book purely for entertainment reasons, and it did not disappoint. I found myself laughing out loud numerous times, and equally as many times with my jaw dropping in...astonishment? Is that the right word?

I'm sure a lot of people are secretly curious about what it would be like to take a glimpse behind the curtain and hear some of the juicy details of the "lifestyle"...Well, this book busts that secret life wide open and pretty much tells you all you would want to know about life as a swinger, whether you want to hear it or not! Who knew flip-flops and fruit trays were so important? ;)

I highly recommend it for a fun summertime read, it's eye-opening and fascinating and hilarious, and I guarantee it will give you lots of new stuff to talk about on date night.

[The Lifestyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Daniel Stern is as real, humble and honest as you can be. His self-depricating humor shines a light on the real world of what it's like to be a Swinger...whether you are a single person or a couple. It's not a free-for-all as Daniel shares when you enter the Lifestyle. It's not come one come all. It's a community that believes it's ok to have differences. It's a community that says being a Swinger/living in the Lifestyle is an attitude not an action. There is no hierarchy and Daniel points out how to make sure you are always welcome. Even if you never want to enter this world, Swingland is a must read because it's an amazing sociological look at the world we live in today.

[Katarina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such great fun to read.

It is part How-to manual for anyone wanting to get into the lifestyle, and part memoir of the author's exploits.

And even though the book deals with sex (lots and lots of it), it's not sleezy or gross or graphic.
The tone is lighthearted and extremely funny as the author takes you though his adventures.

I learned a lot about the lifestyle, which I'm too vanilla to participate in, and it was extremely interesting and educational. I highly recommend this book.

[Kelsey Baguinat · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess I read weird things sometimes.

[Edita S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting with a lot of fun stories as well as tips for anyone interested in "the lifestyle".

[Ms. Steiger Steiger · Rating 2 out of 5]

More salacious how- to than in-depth expose.

[Rob Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Read! What a riot!

[Debi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Part initiation manual, part braggadocio bildungsroman. The details offered are reportorial rather than salacious or titillating.

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative and entertaining. Good for people who are curious and want to learn more before they actually do anything....

[xcitable · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reviewing a book... is definitely more challenging than one may ever realize! While most reviewers would like to nosh on about literary style and function, I find this technique of little value to the everyday reader. So, with the common every day readers, such as myself, firmly in mind....I shall begin! Swingland was not only extremely informative, it was, by far, one of the most humorous books I have read in a very long time. I laughed till tears ran from my eyes! Daniel has an amazing ability to draw the reader right into the pages with him. I was riveted; I became an instant voyeur! His tales of both failure and conquest kept me turning the pages well past my bedtime!!

While the book may have been written to the single male wanting to venture into the Lifestyle, it has something to offer everyone... even the vanilla folks of the world. Daniel has stepped out on the proverbial limb to give the world a birds-eye view (voyeuristic pun inteded!!) of the very secretive world of swinging. Most of the vanilla world rejects swingers with abject horror, and for what reason? I believe it is lack of understanding! We simply fear what we do not understand. Swingland does an excellent job providing a new understanding of a subculture that that has been otherwise convoluted by gross misrepresentation on TV/Movies/Media. Perhaps, this book will be the catalyst of acceptance for the swingers that have to live in fear of rejection, or expulsion from their everyday social circles.

Pick up Swingland, travel the road of self-discovery with Daniel, and maybe learn a little about yourself along the way!

[SierraKiloBravo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Link to my review: https://sierrakilobravo.wordpress.com...

Swingland was one of those books I came across by accident. It was mentioned in passing on a podcast I was listening to, and having really enjoyed books in the past such as Would You Like Sex With That? I thought I would check it out.

Good call, good call.

My local library had a copy and I burned through it in a couple of weeks. In Swingland Daniel Stern shares his stories as a member of the ‘lifestyle’ along with tips for those that want to get involved. I was more interested in the former rather than the latter, and those parts are, in my opinion, the best parts of the book.

Stern is very open and honest throughout, his humour shines through, and he is not afraid to poke fun at himself as he shares his adventures. He has a very entertaining style of writing and the chapters dedicated to his adventures are very easy to read. I skimmed over the How-To style chapters, but they too are honest and to the point.

Overall a good fun read. Feel like reading something about a world that is entirely alien to you? Check this out.

[George Ilsley · Rating 1 out of 5]

This writer aims for a jokey laddish tone, but often misfires. There are lots of footnotes—most of them unnecessary, irrelevant, and intrusive. This book could not decide if it was memoir, a manual for single men wanting to explore the swingers lifestyle, or—perhaps something else that it also failed to be. I just couldn’t get into it. Started skimming, then jumping, then just threw it aside.

Hard to imagine such a book could be so boring.

[Reverenddave · Rating 1 out of 5]

Really thought this was gonna be a cultural anthropology type look at an interesting segment of life. But it was just a recitation of a guys experience in the lifestyle coupled with a how to guide. Not what I'd expected.

[Pam · Rating 3 out of 5]

truly an interesting read. If you've ever wondered, this would be the book to read.

[AnnieB · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read.

[Jordan Joel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very informative, funny and endearing.

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining, but not as much substance as I would have liked. Swingland is essentially a cross between memoir and how-to -- which, to be fair, appears to be exactly what the author is going for -- without greater context or research.

Stern is in a relatively uncommon position -- he's a single male who is active in, and by his account respected in, the swinging community. He talks a great deal about single males being the low creatures on the totem pole, and I believe him -- both for the reasons he cites and because I've heard similar things before -- but I'd also have loved more perspective here. Research, interviews, more examination into what it means to be in a different position in the swinging community...? I can't ding it too hard for not being the book I want it to be, because it was never meant to be that book, but neither did I find it as engaging as I'd hoped.

Deciding how much to put in here must have been complicated. On the one hand, Stern knew some of his readers would just want sexsexsex; on the other hand, he both has credibility and respect in 'Swingland' to maintain. The result is a back-and-forth between list-like how-tos (some of which seem very common-sense, but then, people will surprise you...) and raunchy tales of his sexual exploits and prowess.

Would I recommend it? Yes and no. See those gummy bears on the cover? (To the designer: Great cover!) They're a good fit for the book. The real-life things are tasty; in the context of the book they're funny; either way, they won't fill you up.

[Patrick]

In some respects Daniel Stern's is a Horatio Alger story of poor boy perseveres and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams by being a Nice Guy. Poor boy because he is initially debilitated by his sexual performance anxiety, which he conquers through practice, and by becoming an astute observer of the social dynamics of the swinging sub-culture.

In a different way, this book reminded me of Suzy Spencer's Secret Sex Lives, which prowls much of the same territory, but as a woman on the outside. A woman who is drawn into this world of promiscuity, but is very nearly incapacitated by her sexual inhibitions; who does finally partake in an swinging orgy which she more-or-less instigates, yet still describes her emotional state while partaking of it in rape-survivor-like terms and yet concludes that it proved that she was still alive because her body responded.

Stern's story isn't a complete circle because his acquired sexual prowess hasn't landed him a new romantic partner. Spencer's story however, begs the question of: having determined for herself that she is still alive as a sexual being, now what?

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I very much enjoyed this book, and can't recommend it enough. Any critics will want to re-read his introduction, where he explains where he is coming from, and where (if you are interested) this book can take you. Full of insightful knowledge, as well as good tips about openness and communication, this was a very fast read for me. Certain parts were "hotter" than others, and I felt I could trust the author to reveal what he wanted us to know about this "Swinging" lifestyle. I consider myself decently Vanilla, but I am open enough to be fascinated and accepting of this particular kind of lifestyle. (With the understanding of whatever floats ones boat) I must also state that I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway, and I have won about a half a dozen other books so far, but his came with a handwritten note, which I very much enjoyed and appreciated. I have a feeling we will be hearing more from this refreshingly honest author, and I for one, would be happy to read more.

[Lynne Nunyabidness · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you picked up Swingland looking for a well-researched treatise on the concept of swinging, a la Mary Roach, you will be disappointed. However, as a cross between biography and how-to guide, the book works. Stern is fairly humorous when he means to be and informative as well. For instance, I had always defined swinging as strictly involving couples since anything else would just be regular, albeit sometimes kinky, sex. If I had one central complaint about the book, it would be his directing of knowledge bits almost solely to single men. I understand it, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't appreciate tips relevant to couples or a single woman (eg, balancing the lifestyle in with your life or safety issues). Maybe someone else can write that book.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever wondered...well, here's your chance to get those questions answered without feeling embarrassed or naive. Regardless of how "Vanilla" my lifestyle may or may not be, I feel that I'd be doing Swingland a disservice if I don't give it a good "cert." The book is part memoir, part how-to, and part written documentary into a "Lifestyle" that may seem mysterious to many of us. Stern approaches his subject with a wry perspective and a respectful tone. Sure, there are stories that lean toward the explicit, but the book isn't really meant to shock. It is meant to reveal the humanity behind what may be largely considered a tawdry subject. The book is funny, revealing, sometimes outrageous, occasionally absurd, but mostly generous and makes an intimidating subject approachable.

[Tim Weber · Rating 5 out of 5]

"SWINGLAND" by Daniel Stern is a must read, however it might not be for everyone in the "Vanilla" world, but I highly recommend it. This self deprecating autobiographical/how to book into this world known as "The Lifestyle" is like binge watching your favorite show on Netflix like "Breaking Bad". You go from one chapter to the next as the story develops and you can't believe what is unfolding. It's a page turner and when one chapter ends you don't want to wait to see to see where Dan Stern takes us next. The writing, amazing references, and the glossary of terms transform the reader into this Lifestyle that by the end you feel like you have just been on one incredible "RIDE-ALONG"...

[Cory · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author states right at the beginning that the swinging lifestyle isn't for everyone, and the book confirmed that it isn't for me. It just seems sad to me that sex always has to be an over-the-top affair with multitudes of people and ball gags and trained horses and vats of whipping cream. However, this book is great for people with prurient interests (like me) because the sex scenes are graphic!

[Kj · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite being 'vanilla' I have a fascination with peaking into people's secret lives, so this book on swinging was always going to intrigue me. It's part-memoir and part-how to swing. Where do people get the energy and the flexibility? More than once I almost had to draw a diagram to work out the logistics of the encounters. Eye-opening.

[Traci · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess I'm not sure what I was expecting with this book. You know when you sit by that one guy on an airplane and he talks about that one subject that sort of skeeves you out for hours and hours? I finished this book feeling like I was sitting by THAT guy. I now know more than I ever cared to about a subject my mom would slap me over.

[Emma Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit sexy, a bit uncomfortable (I.e. the ceiling fan incident), but very informative. Good read for the curious as well as the sociologist. It gets four stars for the superb writing and for never taking itself too seriously.

[Richard Roberts · Rating 3 out of 5]

A funny book about an interesting lifestyle, swinging. Part funny anecdotes, part "how to" guide for a world occupied by upwards of 15 million of our friends and neighbors. At times his style seemed to me to be David Sedaris like. It's interesting, I enjoyed it.

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was certainly different. This nonfiction book dives into the world of swingers which are couples or people who like to trade sexual partners. I thought some of the anecdotes were amusing but I could have done without the tips and hints sections