What do you think?
Rate this book
Holding Avery
When her otherwise healthy, even idyllic, first pregnancy ends in the sudden and terrible stillbirth of daughter Avery, Heidi Chandler and her husband are left at a total loss. Looking into Avery’s perfect face, one that never cooed or cried, Heidi realizes how much her life has changed. Holding Avery is a raw exploration of life after the death of a child. Heidi Chandler unapologetically recounts her heartache — the fears and doubts that come with knowing she is a mother but without a child to care for. The unabashed honesty of her grief will resonate with anyone who has experienced loss and found that the question why? may always go unanswered. But Heidi learns that moving through the tragedy is not impossible.
216 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 2012
5 people are currently reading
667 people want to read
About the author
Heidi Chandler
2 books18 followersA Northern Michigan native transplanted deep in the heart of Texas, Heidi Chandler is a former high school teacher living out the aspirations of her six-year-old self. When she's not writing, Heidi enjoys watching college sports, walking her rescue dogs, eating tacos, and hanging out at the lake with her husband and two sons.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
August 22, 2014
Not many books can bring me to tears, but I cried and being someone who is not overly emotional it takes a lot. Heidi shared one of the most horrible part of her life. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason but it still does not make things easy nor does it always make sense. but having the mind set of this shall to pass is critical.
this book was phenomenal and I would recommend it to anyone. its a must read.
this book was phenomenal and I would recommend it to anyone. its a must read.
October 29, 2012
Not many books can bring me to tears, but I cried the entire 2-3 hours it took me to read this. Heidi brings the reader into the most hurtful part of her life. She really brings to life the saying "this too shall pass". Rest in Peace little Avery Chandler. You have touched my heart...
December 22, 2012
When this book came in from the author, asking for a review, I tossed it aside, in all honesty. I just wasn't sure I could read it, it seemed like such a sad story and having two children of my own, I wasn't sure I couldn't read it. I mean, this woman lost her baby at nearly full term. It's every pregnant woman's nightmare. I added it to my review pile, but figured I wouldn't ever really read it.
That was about a month ago and for some reason, I kept being drawn to this simple email and story. Like it WANTED to be read. I gave in and read it and I must say that I'm glad I did. I've read a few of these books and they seem to run the gamut from "life sucks and I'm special because something horrible happened to me" to "God saved me and he'll save you too" - neither of which, frankly, ring true to me.
This one rang true. Like REALLY true. From the author's raw overly emotional anger and resentment to blaming herself and everyone around her. I really want to write "to acceptance" here, but I'm not sure that you ever truly "accept" this sort of thing. It seems more of a level of "being okay". I'm not sure what the difference is, really, but I think the author conveys this well.
Raw and honest is really the best I can describe. She lets us into her head, even the thoughts that no one would want to admit out loud that they had. She tells us what she's feeling and doing and... ya know, it's not always politically correct - but is there really a PC way to go through this kind of thing? Her feelings are valid and she does one heck of a job in letting us in on those.
I'm not sure who I would recommend this for. I think it was an important read for me... if only to get some understanding of what folks that go through this type of thing are feeling. I'm a memoir-reader and this was, truthfully, one of the best I've read in a long time.
Well done. Well executed. But will leave you with a little piece of your heart broken off.
That was about a month ago and for some reason, I kept being drawn to this simple email and story. Like it WANTED to be read. I gave in and read it and I must say that I'm glad I did. I've read a few of these books and they seem to run the gamut from "life sucks and I'm special because something horrible happened to me" to "God saved me and he'll save you too" - neither of which, frankly, ring true to me.
This one rang true. Like REALLY true. From the author's raw overly emotional anger and resentment to blaming herself and everyone around her. I really want to write "to acceptance" here, but I'm not sure that you ever truly "accept" this sort of thing. It seems more of a level of "being okay". I'm not sure what the difference is, really, but I think the author conveys this well.
Raw and honest is really the best I can describe. She lets us into her head, even the thoughts that no one would want to admit out loud that they had. She tells us what she's feeling and doing and... ya know, it's not always politically correct - but is there really a PC way to go through this kind of thing? Her feelings are valid and she does one heck of a job in letting us in on those.
I'm not sure who I would recommend this for. I think it was an important read for me... if only to get some understanding of what folks that go through this type of thing are feeling. I'm a memoir-reader and this was, truthfully, one of the best I've read in a long time.
Well done. Well executed. But will leave you with a little piece of your heart broken off.
May 13, 2015
This is a beautifully written memoir of an event that is tragic for any person to experience but is here handled with brutal honesty and an openess that is rare when such an appalling thing happens as a stillbirth. Although the subject of the book is such a hard one to stomach it is a wonderful easy read and will have you reaching for the tissues and agreeing with the concepts raised from such a personal sharing and I honestly take my hat off to the bravery of the author in committing her personal story of how she and her husband tried to cope with such devastation. I definitely reccommend this book to anyone and everyone - it is a fantastic read and does give hope to anyone who has gone through this terrible tragic event.
This was a Goodreads First Read
This was a Goodreads First Read
July 13, 2014
Whether you have lost a child or not, this book is a great look into the hell that is life after the death of a child. Ms. Chandler is very honest in her relating of her feelings of loss and in finding life again.
August 12, 2014
As a mother who recently delivered a stillborn daughter, I could relate so deeply to the authors feelings and awkward encounters with the "outside world." Thank you for putting into words what we feel and for giving this book a happy ending!
March 2, 2025
This was such a beautiful memoir. I sobbed so much when reading it. Thank you Heidi for sharing your story 🙏
March 5, 2013
Read the full review at http://appraisingpages.com!
Being a mother is an experience unlike any other. I know non-parents out there may roll their eyes as they imagine their annoying co-workers who don’t shut up over the stories and pictures of their kids but it’s true: you learn more about the depths of love from being a parent more than any other relationship.
This is why I knew I needed to read Ms. Chandler’s book, I felt I’d be able to understand her pain more than a non-parent. I’ve never been in the heartbreaking situation of a stillbirth but I know what it’s like to love a child from the moment you lay eyes on him or her.
I was honestly a little wary of a self-published memoir at first. Some indie authors don’t go through a formal editing process so I was worried it would read like a long-winded journal entry. This is not the case! Her book is a memoir in all respects: introspective, balanced, speculative, and thoughtful.
Although this is a story many people don’t want to hear about it because it’s truly tragic in all definitions of the word I would still recommend it. Just like I felt with The Fault in our Stars, I think I learned a new awareness for those in these tough situations. What to say, what not to say, what comes off as awkward and rude even from well-meaning lips. I would especially recommend this book to anyone who may frequently come into contact with those who parents who lose their babies like this, like nurses and doctors and funeral home workers. But really for anyone, her story can be a sister’s, friend’s or yours, as hard as it is to think of it. Read Ms. Chandler’s book for a heartfelt and eye-opening experience in what loss and tragedy really mean.
Being a mother is an experience unlike any other. I know non-parents out there may roll their eyes as they imagine their annoying co-workers who don’t shut up over the stories and pictures of their kids but it’s true: you learn more about the depths of love from being a parent more than any other relationship.
This is why I knew I needed to read Ms. Chandler’s book, I felt I’d be able to understand her pain more than a non-parent. I’ve never been in the heartbreaking situation of a stillbirth but I know what it’s like to love a child from the moment you lay eyes on him or her.
I was honestly a little wary of a self-published memoir at first. Some indie authors don’t go through a formal editing process so I was worried it would read like a long-winded journal entry. This is not the case! Her book is a memoir in all respects: introspective, balanced, speculative, and thoughtful.
Although this is a story many people don’t want to hear about it because it’s truly tragic in all definitions of the word I would still recommend it. Just like I felt with The Fault in our Stars, I think I learned a new awareness for those in these tough situations. What to say, what not to say, what comes off as awkward and rude even from well-meaning lips. I would especially recommend this book to anyone who may frequently come into contact with those who parents who lose their babies like this, like nurses and doctors and funeral home workers. But really for anyone, her story can be a sister’s, friend’s or yours, as hard as it is to think of it. Read Ms. Chandler’s book for a heartfelt and eye-opening experience in what loss and tragedy really mean.
November 8, 2013
It’s her first story –and very expressively told! Makes for easy reading, so good I didn’t want to put it down and read it in one sitting.
As the author puts it: She’s truly been on a journey to hell and back! There is nothing more devastating than experiencing a loss of a child – I can only “ditto” that statement. But then again, it’s the worse feeling imaginable when the loss occurs inside you – the womb. And still you (the parent) must remain sane to embrace the life of being a wife, sister and daughter herself. Having experienced a loss, I know the guilty this author was carrying had to be a heavy burden – as it clawed her brain. And when you read her story, you can feel the pain, the hurt and emotional trauma she endured. The author does a superb job in presenting her story. She gives very explicit details of her journey from beginning to end. As she tells the story, from a first person perspective, it’s crystal clear of the road she had to travel – I had no difficulty walking alongside her as she took the journey. I could vividly see every situation occurring – as if I too took those same footsteps. Unless, you’ve walked the journey, some may find it difficult to embrace the moment; but when you read about this “Littlest Angel” you’re sure to find yourself in that moment. When this author presented her conscious thought-out questions in Chapter 22, they were all so very real – and perhaps, what any parent would have said in that situation. After all, parents are not supposed to live to bury their children. Yet, when I saw her two sons Carter and Preston (pictured on this website), I know she had gotten to more “Angels” to give comfort to her loss – and precious ones at that. What a miraculous comeback.
As the author puts it: She’s truly been on a journey to hell and back! There is nothing more devastating than experiencing a loss of a child – I can only “ditto” that statement. But then again, it’s the worse feeling imaginable when the loss occurs inside you – the womb. And still you (the parent) must remain sane to embrace the life of being a wife, sister and daughter herself. Having experienced a loss, I know the guilty this author was carrying had to be a heavy burden – as it clawed her brain. And when you read her story, you can feel the pain, the hurt and emotional trauma she endured. The author does a superb job in presenting her story. She gives very explicit details of her journey from beginning to end. As she tells the story, from a first person perspective, it’s crystal clear of the road she had to travel – I had no difficulty walking alongside her as she took the journey. I could vividly see every situation occurring – as if I too took those same footsteps. Unless, you’ve walked the journey, some may find it difficult to embrace the moment; but when you read about this “Littlest Angel” you’re sure to find yourself in that moment. When this author presented her conscious thought-out questions in Chapter 22, they were all so very real – and perhaps, what any parent would have said in that situation. After all, parents are not supposed to live to bury their children. Yet, when I saw her two sons Carter and Preston (pictured on this website), I know she had gotten to more “Angels” to give comfort to her loss – and precious ones at that. What a miraculous comeback.
November 3, 2015
This is not usually something I would normally choose to pick up and read as I find memoirs about lost children such an emotional subject, but having had two easy and healthy pregnancies, I am am of course, always sympathetic to the plight of those women who sadly, do not find it easy to accomplish their heart's desire. I can also look back to my midwifery career and see again those women who were devastated by the stillbirth of a much longed for child. To see mothers broken by loss and uncontrolled by grief is heartbreaking and no matter how professional, you silently cry because there but for the grace of God..
Holding Avery is beautifully written love story to Heidi Chandler's lost daughter, Avery. It's angry and heartbreaking in equal measure but there is also a heartwarming message that tragedy can be overcome. I found it difficult to read in places as the emotion is so very raw but its also compassionately realistic and for that I applaud the author's reasons for expressing her sorrow so publicly.
Holding Avery is beautifully written love story to Heidi Chandler's lost daughter, Avery. It's angry and heartbreaking in equal measure but there is also a heartwarming message that tragedy can be overcome. I found it difficult to read in places as the emotion is so very raw but its also compassionately realistic and for that I applaud the author's reasons for expressing her sorrow so publicly.
June 19, 2015
I'm not typically a fan of memoirs as they tend to come across either preachy or like the writer needs to get a grip and grow up. This is far from how Chandler presents her story. The writing is honest, truthful and touching. How anyone can move past such a loss is something I hope to never understand but this is as close as it gets. I would highly recommend this to anyone who has lost a child. Reading the emotion and understanding that you are not alone in this situation is therapeutic and helpful in ways I can't begin to provide words for. Bring tissues. I received an ARC through the publisher in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influenced my opinion.
November 9, 2012
Amazing book. So incredibly sad but open and honest and wonderfully written!
January 3, 2013
Very raw, honest account of a mother's loss - resonant and brave.
May 29, 2013
Awesome book!
February 17, 2016
I would not recommend this book to people unless they were dealing with the topic. It was well written.
November 20, 2015
an emotional story really well told
September 27, 2014
I could have done without a lot of the language used in this book. Heartbreaking book!
July 17, 2015
This brutally honest memoir discusses the heartbreak of stillbirth.
I strongly recommend this book to anyone working in the field of maternity care.
I strongly recommend this book to anyone working in the field of maternity care.
December 9, 2016
Winner of the Best Indie Book Award!
April 9, 2017
well written and from the heart. I liked the fact that the author actually experienced the event and wasn't just 'telling a story'.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews