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Stumbling: A Sassy Memoir about Coming Out of Evangelicalism
If you doubt and you’re angry, if you’re confused and hurting, if Sundays feel weird and you want something more, this book is for you.
As millions exit the church due to its politics and treatment of LGBTQ people, Brandon Flanery brings us A Sassy Memoir about Coming Out of Evangelicalism , an LGBTQ memoir that gives us a glimpse into why he and others are leaving and to show us the hope he’s found on the other side.
Flanery drank deep of the evangelical growing up in a megachurch, working as a missionary and pastor, all while wearing a purity ring and Relient K t-shirt. Flanery gave his life to the church, but everything changed once he came out. Using moving and candid anecdotes, Flanery shares stories of hitchhiking and sex, betrayal and forgiveness, despair and hope, all with a sarcastic-yet-sincere humor that brings refreshing levity to pain.
Stumbling is a story of rediscovery and forging oneself after Christian deconstruction, inviting you to find your own way, a way that’s absolutely not perfect but definitely good. Happy stumbling.
As millions exit the church due to its politics and treatment of LGBTQ people, Brandon Flanery brings us A Sassy Memoir about Coming Out of Evangelicalism , an LGBTQ memoir that gives us a glimpse into why he and others are leaving and to show us the hope he’s found on the other side.
Flanery drank deep of the evangelical growing up in a megachurch, working as a missionary and pastor, all while wearing a purity ring and Relient K t-shirt. Flanery gave his life to the church, but everything changed once he came out. Using moving and candid anecdotes, Flanery shares stories of hitchhiking and sex, betrayal and forgiveness, despair and hope, all with a sarcastic-yet-sincere humor that brings refreshing levity to pain.
Stumbling is a story of rediscovery and forging oneself after Christian deconstruction, inviting you to find your own way, a way that’s absolutely not perfect but definitely good. Happy stumbling.
280 pages, Hardcover
Published August 22, 2023
4 people are currently reading
82 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
August 22, 2023
UPDATE: NO2 AVAILABLE! DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND GO SUPPORT THIS AUTHOR!
The story of the author breaking out of evangelicalism and questioning everything about the faith he carried so closely before he came out as gay.
Brandon and I grew up in the same kind of faith. We even attended some of the same churches in Colorado Springs. Reading his story was so difficult because of the raw, brutal honesty he brought to his story. The intimate sharing of his story was such a gift to readers. His criticism of the church and Christians alike would have landed different if he hadn't offered up so much of his own vulnerability and humanity in the face of religious abuse and trauma.
A much needed calling out and calling up to churches, their pastors, and their congregants everywhere. I consume a lot of rhetoric around deconstruction and I really thought I had heard it all, but the perspective I didn't realize was missing was a perspective like Brandon's. Most deconstruction journeys lead people to leave the church and their faith in a higher power. Brandon's story feels like it is headed that way, but everytime he gets to a place of walking away and slapping atheism on, he gets back in the ring for another round of wrestling through his faith journey. I haven't seen someone work so hard to seperate the toxic from the divine and come out with a newly constructed faith. It is a different kind of faith deconstruction story, one that felt hopeful and insightful. A story that challenged and encouraged me on my own deconstruction journey.
Thank you to Lakeshore books and Brandon Flanery for allowing me to be a part of the launch team and recieve an advanced copy of this book!
STUMBLING IS NOW AVAILABLE!
The story of the author breaking out of evangelicalism and questioning everything about the faith he carried so closely before he came out as gay.
Brandon and I grew up in the same kind of faith. We even attended some of the same churches in Colorado Springs. Reading his story was so difficult because of the raw, brutal honesty he brought to his story. The intimate sharing of his story was such a gift to readers. His criticism of the church and Christians alike would have landed different if he hadn't offered up so much of his own vulnerability and humanity in the face of religious abuse and trauma.
A much needed calling out and calling up to churches, their pastors, and their congregants everywhere. I consume a lot of rhetoric around deconstruction and I really thought I had heard it all, but the perspective I didn't realize was missing was a perspective like Brandon's. Most deconstruction journeys lead people to leave the church and their faith in a higher power. Brandon's story feels like it is headed that way, but everytime he gets to a place of walking away and slapping atheism on, he gets back in the ring for another round of wrestling through his faith journey. I haven't seen someone work so hard to seperate the toxic from the divine and come out with a newly constructed faith. It is a different kind of faith deconstruction story, one that felt hopeful and insightful. A story that challenged and encouraged me on my own deconstruction journey.
Thank you to Lakeshore books and Brandon Flanery for allowing me to be a part of the launch team and recieve an advanced copy of this book!
STUMBLING IS NOW AVAILABLE!
April 10, 2024
Such a fun read that hit so close to home. Can’t believe how good this memoir is and how much it impacted me.
January 13, 2024
While I have not come to the same conclusions re: faith as Brandon, so much of his journey out of evangelicalism and the mission industry resonates deeply. His honesty is beautiful.
August 23, 2023
I have followed Brandon on tiktok for quite a while. There are a lot of people on there who have deconstructed their religion and talk about all that comes with that. But for me none are more relatable than Brandon. Which is odd on the face because he is a gay man and I am a straight woman so he had a vastly different experience and much harder circumstances. But he just feels like a friend. Like I'm reading this book and I can hear him speaking as if he's right beside me.
And the book. Oh my god. It's raw. Real. Vulnerable. I cried with him. I screamed my frustrations for him. I laughed with him.
I deconstructed my faith long before tiktok and social media and wow how much easier it could have been for me if I had access to people like Brandon who, now that they are through the darkest part of this journey, could just reach out and say your feelings are valid. Stop fighting. Stop fighting, trying to be a part of something that makes you sick to your core. Just stop. You don't have to feel the guilt and shame that comes with religion itself and then even more so when you step back.
I truly wish that pastors and evangelicals would read memoirs like this and really hear about the trauma the church inflicts on people. The trauma is real. It's lifelong. It's deep. It changes us.
Brandon, it's people like you, stepping out into this level of vulnerability, who give others like myself who just kept it all in and suffered and still suffer in silence, the courage to say enough. This is me. Take it or leave it but I'm done pretending. So Brandon, thank you.
And the book. Oh my god. It's raw. Real. Vulnerable. I cried with him. I screamed my frustrations for him. I laughed with him.
I deconstructed my faith long before tiktok and social media and wow how much easier it could have been for me if I had access to people like Brandon who, now that they are through the darkest part of this journey, could just reach out and say your feelings are valid. Stop fighting. Stop fighting, trying to be a part of something that makes you sick to your core. Just stop. You don't have to feel the guilt and shame that comes with religion itself and then even more so when you step back.
I truly wish that pastors and evangelicals would read memoirs like this and really hear about the trauma the church inflicts on people. The trauma is real. It's lifelong. It's deep. It changes us.
Brandon, it's people like you, stepping out into this level of vulnerability, who give others like myself who just kept it all in and suffered and still suffer in silence, the courage to say enough. This is me. Take it or leave it but I'm done pretending. So Brandon, thank you.
August 7, 2023
Brandon writes in a way that is remarkably relatable, sharing from a deeply personal place with his signature balance of searing honesty and clever humor, of beautiful candor and biting wit. He is insightful, unflinching, and delightfully human. While our journeys are different, he speaks to the important truths of our similar traumas as gay men who grew up in religions that demanded everything from us while refusing to fully honor our belovedness as children of God. Brandon courageously wrestles with existential questions at the intersection of faith and queerness, all the while opening up to his readers with stunning vulnerability. I felt like I could see myself in his story, and found catharsis in my own ongoing journey as I walked along with Brandon in his as I read. This book feels like a late-night conversation with a friend, and as such, I recommend it to anyone earnestly seeking to understand... understand queer people of faith, understand how churches have the capacity to hurt instead of heal, understand growing up gay, understand doubt, understand themselves, and understand somehow learning to trust in the God who is much bigger than any box we try to put Them in.
July 25, 2023
This book is a home for anyone who was formed by evangelicalism and later found that it no longer made sense as life and faith didn’t fit neatly into the modern Christian box. The unease that comes with questioning what we were told was unquestionable is so rawly felt in Brandon’s writing. He shares his story with such generosity and trust that it is impossible not to respond with tenderness not only to him, but to ourselves in all of our disappointed places
March 15, 2024
Zero stars for this almost unreadable book, terribly written by a gay "former evangelical" who has a huge ax to grind against God and anyone who calls themself Christian. It's laughably bad as he rants and raves against others, while all the time doing the very things he's mad at others for! So while he points out the hypocrisy of sinful followers of Christ, he is the real hypocrite.
The problem is that this book isn't written by a humble sinner who seeks the truth--it's from an angry, bitter gay guy who is trying to recapture the sexual feelings he had at age five when an 11-year-old boy molested him repeatedly in a secret church space while his parents were involved in ministry. They would sneak away together each week during church, making an odd connection in his mind between sex and spirituality. Let's get to the truth of it up front--this guy has had raging hormones since childhood that went unfulfilled, and his misplaced anger ends up in bad theology.
Then talk about burying the lead--after a frustrating set of opening pages that skip back-and-forth on dates and stories to the point of confusion, the author suddenly mentions he goes to Ted Haggard's new church. Yes, that caught-with-a-male-prostitute pastor. Keep in mind the author isn't going to just the old megachurch but Haggard's new home church, Haggard has sat at Flanery's dinner table, and the writer makes positive comments about it because Haggard gives the "best hugs!" Huh? We're supposed to trust a guy who made a horribly bad choice to follow a closeted gay pastor after he came clean and claimed to be straight again?
He abuses language, distorts scripture, and says things that simply are not true. "My Bible school was a cult. My mission organization was a cult." Sorry, most are not. Is it possible to find a cult leading a Bible group? Yes, but as he describes his charismatic upbringing he was involved in pretty mainstream religious groups that did not brainwash or force him to stay or keep him from his family. If he's going to use the world "cult," then he needs to be clear what he means. And if you can't trust him with one word, how can you trust him with thousands of words in the book?
Flanery comes across as mentally ill, blaming everyone else for his very bad choices in life and rarely seeing himself as the cause of any issues. He lies thoughout his life, but the moment he discovers gossip that a pastor lies Flanery dumps the church. He has illicit sex on his mind daily (even using his Christian school computers to look at porn), but when he finds out a ministry leader that he works for has an affair with a secretary the author pretty much gives up on his faith.
It's all ridiculous because all sin, all lie, and a whole lot of leaders (whether in church or the corporate world or education or any profession) have sex outside of marriage. I have worked for ministries as well, can validate that what the author describes about hypocritical leadership is true, but when I left I didn't blame God for not doing more about it or reject God because He didn't heal my brother, as Flanery does. It all gets down to what your theology is about God, humanity, and what your responsibility is for your own actions in life.
In this case the former missionary is trying to convince us that he's not responsible for any of his choices. Wrong. If he is mad at anyone it should be himself or maybe his parents for laying bad mental groundwork. The book ends up being verbal vomit, spewing in every direction the same as his stomach literally did when he drank bad water in foreign countries. Flanery is like a sick individual refusing to go to a doctor then outraged at the health community for not caring about him--the process starts with HIM, not others. He ultimately proves not what's wrong with believing in God but what's wrong with modern know-it-alls raised in a home by a mother who thinks children can do no wrong and a woke leftist society that rejects morals held for thousands of years.
By the end of the book the guy is STILL not happy. No surprise that sex only provides a temporary distraction, relationships don't stay together, and his feeble attempts at salvaging some type of belief in something beyond himself changes often. Just as Flanery blames Christianity for selling a set of false promises, so he continues "stumbling" on his own falsehoods because he refuses to accept objective truth that could set him free.
The problem is that this book isn't written by a humble sinner who seeks the truth--it's from an angry, bitter gay guy who is trying to recapture the sexual feelings he had at age five when an 11-year-old boy molested him repeatedly in a secret church space while his parents were involved in ministry. They would sneak away together each week during church, making an odd connection in his mind between sex and spirituality. Let's get to the truth of it up front--this guy has had raging hormones since childhood that went unfulfilled, and his misplaced anger ends up in bad theology.
Then talk about burying the lead--after a frustrating set of opening pages that skip back-and-forth on dates and stories to the point of confusion, the author suddenly mentions he goes to Ted Haggard's new church. Yes, that caught-with-a-male-prostitute pastor. Keep in mind the author isn't going to just the old megachurch but Haggard's new home church, Haggard has sat at Flanery's dinner table, and the writer makes positive comments about it because Haggard gives the "best hugs!" Huh? We're supposed to trust a guy who made a horribly bad choice to follow a closeted gay pastor after he came clean and claimed to be straight again?
He abuses language, distorts scripture, and says things that simply are not true. "My Bible school was a cult. My mission organization was a cult." Sorry, most are not. Is it possible to find a cult leading a Bible group? Yes, but as he describes his charismatic upbringing he was involved in pretty mainstream religious groups that did not brainwash or force him to stay or keep him from his family. If he's going to use the world "cult," then he needs to be clear what he means. And if you can't trust him with one word, how can you trust him with thousands of words in the book?
Flanery comes across as mentally ill, blaming everyone else for his very bad choices in life and rarely seeing himself as the cause of any issues. He lies thoughout his life, but the moment he discovers gossip that a pastor lies Flanery dumps the church. He has illicit sex on his mind daily (even using his Christian school computers to look at porn), but when he finds out a ministry leader that he works for has an affair with a secretary the author pretty much gives up on his faith.
It's all ridiculous because all sin, all lie, and a whole lot of leaders (whether in church or the corporate world or education or any profession) have sex outside of marriage. I have worked for ministries as well, can validate that what the author describes about hypocritical leadership is true, but when I left I didn't blame God for not doing more about it or reject God because He didn't heal my brother, as Flanery does. It all gets down to what your theology is about God, humanity, and what your responsibility is for your own actions in life.
In this case the former missionary is trying to convince us that he's not responsible for any of his choices. Wrong. If he is mad at anyone it should be himself or maybe his parents for laying bad mental groundwork. The book ends up being verbal vomit, spewing in every direction the same as his stomach literally did when he drank bad water in foreign countries. Flanery is like a sick individual refusing to go to a doctor then outraged at the health community for not caring about him--the process starts with HIM, not others. He ultimately proves not what's wrong with believing in God but what's wrong with modern know-it-alls raised in a home by a mother who thinks children can do no wrong and a woke leftist society that rejects morals held for thousands of years.
By the end of the book the guy is STILL not happy. No surprise that sex only provides a temporary distraction, relationships don't stay together, and his feeble attempts at salvaging some type of belief in something beyond himself changes often. Just as Flanery blames Christianity for selling a set of false promises, so he continues "stumbling" on his own falsehoods because he refuses to accept objective truth that could set him free.
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May 30, 2024(As a reminder, I do not give memoirs ratings.)
Brandon Flanery grew up firmly entrenched in evangelicism. At some point, he landed in my hometown of Colorado Springs as a congregant at Ted Haggard's church. Yeah, THAT Ted Haggard. He also hitched his wagon to YWAM, Teen Mania Ministries, and almost every other kind of teen/young adult ministry. Brandon's biggest problem with evangelicism, however, was his sexual orientation—he was gay, and he knew it, and he couldn't convince himself he wasn't. But that wasn't for lack of trying. He tried everything he could think of to become straight. He dated girls, he prayed to God, he bargained with God, he went around the world ministering in the name of God, and he traveled trying to outrun his attraction to men, he allowed himself to be mentored by Ted Haggard - yeah, THAT Ted Haggard. Nothing worked. (Because nothing was supposed to work.) Stumbling is Brandon's tale of wrestling with God and his homosexuality in light of evangelicalism. This is not your typical story of deconstruction and leaving evangelicalism. It is filled with very raw processing of separation from the God evangelicals serve up for the masses and reconciling himself to the God he thinks he wants to be in relationship with. His memoir ends with an uncertainty of where he will end up with God and how any faith he might have will impact his life. That's real life, shifting and transforming as we grow into our authentic skin and grow in understanding.
The book started out sassy (as promised), and I enjoyed it, but as it went on, I was increasingly distracted—and then annoyed—by the author's excessive use of the ellipsis ( ... ). Where in the hell was Brandon's editor? The editor in me was crawling out of my skin, wanting to tackle the text and tighten it up. As I finished the book, I was left feeling slightly irritated. I think this is because I'm unsure that Brandon's story should have been put in published form at this time. As the book went on it felt more and more like his blog stitched together into a book, and I do not generally like those books as they feel a bit tattered around the edges, not what a publication should be. In addition to needing better editing, I might have appreciated his story more once he got a few more years down the road of his life and had a little bit of distance to look at his story with some healing.
Brandon Flanery grew up firmly entrenched in evangelicism. At some point, he landed in my hometown of Colorado Springs as a congregant at Ted Haggard's church. Yeah, THAT Ted Haggard. He also hitched his wagon to YWAM, Teen Mania Ministries, and almost every other kind of teen/young adult ministry. Brandon's biggest problem with evangelicism, however, was his sexual orientation—he was gay, and he knew it, and he couldn't convince himself he wasn't. But that wasn't for lack of trying. He tried everything he could think of to become straight. He dated girls, he prayed to God, he bargained with God, he went around the world ministering in the name of God, and he traveled trying to outrun his attraction to men, he allowed himself to be mentored by Ted Haggard - yeah, THAT Ted Haggard. Nothing worked. (Because nothing was supposed to work.) Stumbling is Brandon's tale of wrestling with God and his homosexuality in light of evangelicalism. This is not your typical story of deconstruction and leaving evangelicalism. It is filled with very raw processing of separation from the God evangelicals serve up for the masses and reconciling himself to the God he thinks he wants to be in relationship with. His memoir ends with an uncertainty of where he will end up with God and how any faith he might have will impact his life. That's real life, shifting and transforming as we grow into our authentic skin and grow in understanding.
The book started out sassy (as promised), and I enjoyed it, but as it went on, I was increasingly distracted—and then annoyed—by the author's excessive use of the ellipsis ( ... ). Where in the hell was Brandon's editor? The editor in me was crawling out of my skin, wanting to tackle the text and tighten it up. As I finished the book, I was left feeling slightly irritated. I think this is because I'm unsure that Brandon's story should have been put in published form at this time. As the book went on it felt more and more like his blog stitched together into a book, and I do not generally like those books as they feel a bit tattered around the edges, not what a publication should be. In addition to needing better editing, I might have appreciated his story more once he got a few more years down the road of his life and had a little bit of distance to look at his story with some healing.
January 13, 2024
“Every book worth reading requires character growth and plot development, mystery and struggle. Does it need a good ending? Sure, but it is the pages leading up to that ending that make us keep reading. And if the ending is horrific and the main character brutally dies in the end, it only matters if we’ve fallen in love with the character along the way, if we’ve seen them fight and struggle for what they believed in, if we’ve felt them win and lose day after day, if we’ve journeyed with them, page after page. That’s when they matter. And when they matter, their death matters.”
“A good story is ultimately composed of pages—scratch that—a good story is ultimately composed of sentences, well-written sentences. It is the sum of its parts that creates value. It is the great accumulation of every moment, every blessed and vile moment, written well, that makes your story a good one, that makes my story a good one, one worth reading. Does the plot twist? Of course. Every good one does. Does he fail? Absolutely. Every good character fails. Does she die? Most certainly. We all die. But it’s those pages… Those sentences… Those moments… Leading up to that final breath that makes us shout for joy or weep in pain when the character finally closes their eyes. It’s the moments… That make life worth reading… That make life worth living… And we carve another letter… Carve it into our lives… With every choice we make… Or don’t make… Written for all eternity… Never to be erased…”
- p.302
“A good story is ultimately composed of pages—scratch that—a good story is ultimately composed of sentences, well-written sentences. It is the sum of its parts that creates value. It is the great accumulation of every moment, every blessed and vile moment, written well, that makes your story a good one, that makes my story a good one, one worth reading. Does the plot twist? Of course. Every good one does. Does he fail? Absolutely. Every good character fails. Does she die? Most certainly. We all die. But it’s those pages… Those sentences… Those moments… Leading up to that final breath that makes us shout for joy or weep in pain when the character finally closes their eyes. It’s the moments… That make life worth reading… That make life worth living… And we carve another letter… Carve it into our lives… With every choice we make… Or don’t make… Written for all eternity… Never to be erased…”
- p.302
August 22, 2023
Stumbling is relatable, vulnerable, and validating for anyone who has been hurt by the Church. Brandon’s story will feel familiar for those of us who grew up in evangelicalism but remains accessible to those who did not. His writing flows from page-to-page. It’s a quick read – and I am not a fast reader! The book – like Brandon’s journey – is not linear, but gives language to the constant push-and-pull of faith and doubt. This took me on a rollercoaster of emotions: I laughed a lot, I cried, I got really pissed off, I reflected a lot on my own faith and deconstruction journey, and in the end, I felt seen. This book is for the wanderers, the people without a spiritual home, the hurting, and those who just have questions about their faith or theology sometimes.
September 7, 2023
Brandon is a personal friend, and the man I know in real life is the man you will meet in these pages. He is completely honest and very raw, and he's also an excellent writer. If you love memoirs, or if you're curious about a gay man's experience in evangelicalism, or if you like stories about spiritual journeys that don't end in a neat package, this would be a good one to pick up.
August 22, 2023
Brandon’s book is a must-read for anyone who has ever struggled—with faith, with sexuality, with belonging. His memoir is vulnerable and relatable. As he openly shares his journey, he invites you to reflect on your own. I laughed. I cried. I will read it again. And send it to all my friends.
August 22, 2023
Thank you Brandon! This is such a good book. Helped me unpack the trauma of being gay and growing up in evangelism. So real! So funny! So vulnerable! Made me laugh, cry, and grieve what the evangelical church has become.
August 23, 2023
This book is a gem! Absolutely honored to have worked with Brandon on the audio version, and grateful for the opportunity to read his story! For anyone struggling through their identity in an evangelical context, this book is for you!
December 9, 2023
This book healed me in so many ways. I can’t say anything further about it because I could never put into words how much this book meant to me, but if you’ve been hurt by religion or a church, this is the book for you.
November 17, 2024
Finished it in one sitting so good! Saw myself all over here. The book takes the reader on an in depth dive into what life is like coming into yourself in an evangelical world as a young queer. Lived it as myself and this is everything I wish I could communicate with those I love.
September 17, 2023
Living through some of these events with Brandon, reading this left me hopeful. Hopeful that I can stumble with hard questions, difficult answers, and turbulent journeys. For myself and for others.
September 19, 2024
I am in love with this author
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