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Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation
In this volume, Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation, Daniel Shaw presents a way of understanding the traumatic impact of narcissism as it is engendered developmentally, and as it is enacted relationally. Focusing on the dynamics of narcissism in interpersonal relations, Shaw describes the relational system of what he terms the 'traumatizing narcissist' as a system of subjugation - the objectification of one person in a relationship as the means of enforcing the dominance of the subjectivity of the other.
Daniel Shaw illustrates the workings of this relational system of subjugation in a variety of contexts: theorizing traumatic narcissism as an intergenerationally transmitted relational/developmental trauma; and exploring the clinician's experience working with the adult children of traumatizing narcissists. He explores the relationship of cult leaders and their followers, and examines how traumatic narcissism has lingered vestigially in some aspects of the psychoanalytic profession.
Bringing together theories of trauma and attachment, intersubjectivity and complementarity, and the rich clinical sensibility of the Relational Psychoanalysis tradition, Shaw demonstrates how narcissism can best be understood not merely as character, but as the result of the specific trauma of subjugation, in which one person is required to become the object for a significant other who demands hegemonic subjectivity. Traumatic Narcissism presents therapeutic clinical opportunities not only for psychoanalysts of different schools, but for all mental health professionals working with a wide variety of modalities. Although primarily intended for the professional psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, this is also a book that therapy patients and lay readers will find highly readable and illuminating.
Daniel Shaw illustrates the workings of this relational system of subjugation in a variety of contexts: theorizing traumatic narcissism as an intergenerationally transmitted relational/developmental trauma; and exploring the clinician's experience working with the adult children of traumatizing narcissists. He explores the relationship of cult leaders and their followers, and examines how traumatic narcissism has lingered vestigially in some aspects of the psychoanalytic profession.
Bringing together theories of trauma and attachment, intersubjectivity and complementarity, and the rich clinical sensibility of the Relational Psychoanalysis tradition, Shaw demonstrates how narcissism can best be understood not merely as character, but as the result of the specific trauma of subjugation, in which one person is required to become the object for a significant other who demands hegemonic subjectivity. Traumatic Narcissism presents therapeutic clinical opportunities not only for psychoanalysts of different schools, but for all mental health professionals working with a wide variety of modalities. Although primarily intended for the professional psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, this is also a book that therapy patients and lay readers will find highly readable and illuminating.
172 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
July 29, 2016
Daniel Shaw present two ideas that I found particularly powerful and enlightening in this book.
1. There is a type of narcissist rightly called a "traumatizing narcissist"; one who transfers his/her shame/inadequacy/fear, etc., out of himself/herself, and onto those whom he/she relates to. Shaw's perspective is primarily shaped through his observations as a psychoanalyst, but readily applies to the more severe instances of pastoral/spiritual abuse found in some churches. The book contributed greatly to my studies of false teachers/false prophets in Christian churches.
2. A worthy goal in people-helping is to seek a healthy expression of what Shaw terms "analytic love." This is a relationship goal in which both the client and the analyst relate as equals in a mutually respectful relationship marked by consideration, kindness, empathy, and equality. Shaw's primary focus is to address and criticize the coldness of a professional relationship in the counseling environment, in which the counseled is de facto "under" the care and authority of the counselor. The counselor (in this defective system) may express superiority, lack of love/concern, etc., in any number of subtle (and not so subtle) ways, perpetuating the distance between the "helper" and the one being helped. In doing so, the counselor often creates the same conditions of which the client/patient is seeking to recover from: an absence of love and protection from care-givers.
I did not expect to find what is (to me) such a clear indictment of the tendency to relate as an authority figure in pastoral counseling, in such a way that creates distance between the member and the pastor, and prohibits a genuine, relational, therapeutic engagement that best expresses the Christian goal of edification and agape love. While this is not a Christian book, and the author's beliefs regarding faith are not revealed--it is a clear and insightful (though unintended) presentation of a healthy, Christ-like model of pastoral care. Highly recommended.
1. There is a type of narcissist rightly called a "traumatizing narcissist"; one who transfers his/her shame/inadequacy/fear, etc., out of himself/herself, and onto those whom he/she relates to. Shaw's perspective is primarily shaped through his observations as a psychoanalyst, but readily applies to the more severe instances of pastoral/spiritual abuse found in some churches. The book contributed greatly to my studies of false teachers/false prophets in Christian churches.
2. A worthy goal in people-helping is to seek a healthy expression of what Shaw terms "analytic love." This is a relationship goal in which both the client and the analyst relate as equals in a mutually respectful relationship marked by consideration, kindness, empathy, and equality. Shaw's primary focus is to address and criticize the coldness of a professional relationship in the counseling environment, in which the counseled is de facto "under" the care and authority of the counselor. The counselor (in this defective system) may express superiority, lack of love/concern, etc., in any number of subtle (and not so subtle) ways, perpetuating the distance between the "helper" and the one being helped. In doing so, the counselor often creates the same conditions of which the client/patient is seeking to recover from: an absence of love and protection from care-givers.
I did not expect to find what is (to me) such a clear indictment of the tendency to relate as an authority figure in pastoral counseling, in such a way that creates distance between the member and the pastor, and prohibits a genuine, relational, therapeutic engagement that best expresses the Christian goal of edification and agape love. While this is not a Christian book, and the author's beliefs regarding faith are not revealed--it is a clear and insightful (though unintended) presentation of a healthy, Christ-like model of pastoral care. Highly recommended.
January 15, 2016
I read it in one sitting. I think it's a remarkable book and highly relevant for clinicians. Looking forward to discussing it in book club. I appreciated the expanded discussion around systems of narcissism/political exceptionalism.
September 20, 2024
This was fascinating and I look forward to his next book.
September 24, 2022
Two decades after extracting himself from a cult, American psychoanalyst Daniel Shaw decided to make sense of every victim's subjugation to enslaving, cruel, and selfish narcissists and study the internal relational processes of both the abuser and the victim, which, with healing, can be reversed. The result is this magnificent audiobook beautifully read by David Marantz.
As I listened, I reflected that god was my introduction to narcissism. My role, as a very young girl, was to learn to obey, serve and sacrifice for a male deity who was well pleased with my 7 year old subjugation and to whom I must often confess my shame.
Since then, I've learned that mentally and emotionally healthy people don't succumb to narcissistic usury easily. They know how to dust off users. Dependent children, though, don't know how to free themselves.
When the vulnerable minds of innocent young children are co-opted to serve narcissistic authority (parents, religions, cults, etc.) then the stage for their adult suffering is set up. Narcissistic parents don't teach their children how to think. They teach them what to think - and to obey.
I loved the excellent stories of Shaw's clients, brave victims of narcissists who triumphed to become proud victors of their own lives. Over and over, I celebrated their magnificent triumphs, just as I celebrate and enjoy my own. The most memorable is the story of Patrick, a boy cruelly manipulated by selfish narcissistic parents. As a kid willing to do anything for his parents' approval and acceptance, Patrick swallowed the loathing they projected upon him. At the end of his painful decades-long healing journey, he realized, one day, that his parents had had to live with who they were all of their squalid lives. While his parents never emerged from their depravity, Patrick found his unique way to detach and joyfully reclaim his life's happiness.
I sincerely thank Daniel Shaw for his most loving offering to all for whom private therapy is not an option. This book is a huge contribution to healing from narcissistic abuse, worldwide.
Eleanor Cowan, author of A History of a Pedophile's Wife: Memoir of a Canadian Teacher and Writer
.
As I listened, I reflected that god was my introduction to narcissism. My role, as a very young girl, was to learn to obey, serve and sacrifice for a male deity who was well pleased with my 7 year old subjugation and to whom I must often confess my shame.
Since then, I've learned that mentally and emotionally healthy people don't succumb to narcissistic usury easily. They know how to dust off users. Dependent children, though, don't know how to free themselves.
When the vulnerable minds of innocent young children are co-opted to serve narcissistic authority (parents, religions, cults, etc.) then the stage for their adult suffering is set up. Narcissistic parents don't teach their children how to think. They teach them what to think - and to obey.
I loved the excellent stories of Shaw's clients, brave victims of narcissists who triumphed to become proud victors of their own lives. Over and over, I celebrated their magnificent triumphs, just as I celebrate and enjoy my own. The most memorable is the story of Patrick, a boy cruelly manipulated by selfish narcissistic parents. As a kid willing to do anything for his parents' approval and acceptance, Patrick swallowed the loathing they projected upon him. At the end of his painful decades-long healing journey, he realized, one day, that his parents had had to live with who they were all of their squalid lives. While his parents never emerged from their depravity, Patrick found his unique way to detach and joyfully reclaim his life's happiness.
I sincerely thank Daniel Shaw for his most loving offering to all for whom private therapy is not an option. This book is a huge contribution to healing from narcissistic abuse, worldwide.
Eleanor Cowan, author of A History of a Pedophile's Wife: Memoir of a Canadian Teacher and Writer
.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 22, 2021
"Keeping faith in a developing child's potential to grow; encouraging the potential to develop meaningful ways of expressing her subjectivity; supporting the expansion of meaning and pleasure in intersubjective relatedness; and steadfastly committing to honoring the developing child's need for safety, especially from exploitation - these are the conditions that we know support healthy growth and development.
These conditions are not present in the traumatizing narcissist environment; the agenda is enslavement, not development."
(p. 144)
These conditions are not present in the traumatizing narcissist environment; the agenda is enslavement, not development."
(p. 144)
November 25, 2015
An excellent book. Daniel Shaw isn't afraid to find narcissistic tendencies in religious groups or in psychoanalytic practice.
February 28, 2025
"Traumatic Narcissism" started as a five-star book for me but only went downhill from there. I appreciated the scientific rigor in the early chapters, particularly the discussions on familial relationships involving a malignant narcissist and the detailed analysis of cult leaders. At least in the first half, the book maintains a high level of academic sophistication and cites a lot of relevant data.
I also see the value in the concept of "traumatic narcissism", which defines the condition by its impact on others. I fully agree with the author's critique of how social media has trivialized non-pathological narcissism. However, the book takes a sharp turn when the author starts labeling every bad action and even entire groups he dislikes as narcissistic. For example, he claims that the entire Republican Party and its donors fit this mold. That felt incredibly forced and you could just as easily construct the same argument for the Democrats. Why inject politics into an apolitical topic? Where is your scientific integrity, Mr. Shaw?
Things only get more dubious from here. The author even proposes a whole theory about therapists acting out of narcissistic intentions, without providing any data to support it. At one point, he boasts about admitting to a client that he had acted narcissistically in the past. Maybe he stumbled upon some truth there, but please, don't generalize a principle from your own faults. If Freud taught us anything, it's probably that.
It is fairly common in academic writing to use the generic feminine for hypothetical examples, as far as I understand it, in order to counter the masculine default, that was historically common and to force female representation especially in male-dominated fields. Shaw, however, takes this concept to an absurd extreme, using the generic feminine even when referring to reprehensible figures like cult leaders. What's the point of that? Are we trying to shatter gender norms to encourage more women to become cult leaders? Do we need gender quotas for serial killers as well?
The last quarter of the book was hard to read, as the author repeatedly justifies the concept of "therapeutic love" as a replacement for an emotionally detached approach. At times, he almost seems to be excusing sexual relationships between therapists and clients. Excuse me, what the actual flip?!
I also see the value in the concept of "traumatic narcissism", which defines the condition by its impact on others. I fully agree with the author's critique of how social media has trivialized non-pathological narcissism. However, the book takes a sharp turn when the author starts labeling every bad action and even entire groups he dislikes as narcissistic. For example, he claims that the entire Republican Party and its donors fit this mold. That felt incredibly forced and you could just as easily construct the same argument for the Democrats. Why inject politics into an apolitical topic? Where is your scientific integrity, Mr. Shaw?
Things only get more dubious from here. The author even proposes a whole theory about therapists acting out of narcissistic intentions, without providing any data to support it. At one point, he boasts about admitting to a client that he had acted narcissistically in the past. Maybe he stumbled upon some truth there, but please, don't generalize a principle from your own faults. If Freud taught us anything, it's probably that.
It is fairly common in academic writing to use the generic feminine for hypothetical examples, as far as I understand it, in order to counter the masculine default, that was historically common and to force female representation especially in male-dominated fields. Shaw, however, takes this concept to an absurd extreme, using the generic feminine even when referring to reprehensible figures like cult leaders. What's the point of that? Are we trying to shatter gender norms to encourage more women to become cult leaders? Do we need gender quotas for serial killers as well?
The last quarter of the book was hard to read, as the author repeatedly justifies the concept of "therapeutic love" as a replacement for an emotionally detached approach. At times, he almost seems to be excusing sexual relationships between therapists and clients. Excuse me, what the actual flip?!
December 30, 2019
Overall an important and useful book, if a bit repetitive and unidimensional. The book explores the relational matrix of "traumatic Narcissism". The thesis is powerful and simple. The traumatic narcissist priveleges their own subjectivity and in an effort to minimize shame and other negative affect, maximizes their omnipotentence by expecting other people to recognize, reinforce and submit to the narcissists subjectivity at the cost of their own. To have ones subjectivity ignored, denied or frankly trampled is inherently traumatic.
This book explores the genesis of TN personalities, the longterm consequences of their behavior on others in their life and this phenomenon in analysis, analytic training, cults, relationships, etc.
Worthwhile for any mental health professional or anyone interested in toxic leadership or relationships
This book explores the genesis of TN personalities, the longterm consequences of their behavior on others in their life and this phenomenon in analysis, analytic training, cults, relationships, etc.
Worthwhile for any mental health professional or anyone interested in toxic leadership or relationships
July 11, 2019
Very good look at what true narcissism looks like and the traumatic impact it can have of those in a relationship (familial or chosen) with a narcissist. Highly recommended for anyone that believe they have family, friends, or co-workers that might be narcissists. It is a very deep read though as it was written in the style of a research based work, not specifically tailored for ease of reading.
Estimated time to read: 3.5 hours
Estimated time to read: 3.5 hours
September 2, 2022
So far the best book on narcissism I have read. Might be a bit challenging for those readers, who aren't well versed in the psychoanalytic discourse.
March 2, 2023
Една от най-любимите ми книги за нарцисизма. Силно препоръчвам!
August 11, 2024
In essence, the making of a traumatic narcissism starts in childhood. A child is evolutionarily designed to cater to parents’ need in order to survive (absent of the parents’ need, human child will simply perish). Thus, the child is very adaptable to parents’ needs. But when a child grows up in a household where the parents’ own needs aren’t met, the said parent would use the child as a means to get their needs met (in an ironic way, the child is used as a parent for his own parent):
When the said child grows up not able to dissociate his own traumatic upbringing (the author noted that when a child grows up able to dissociate that, their own offspring often would grow up in a healthy manner), the child is very likely to become a traumatic narcissistic. And there are two ways narcissism manifest itself: inwards and outwards.
For inward narcissism, the person would project insufficiency onto himself and project depression onto himself. He would always never feel worthy, and he would bend backwards to fill others’ needs over his own needs. For that he firmly believes he himself is unworthy of love unless he fulfills others’ needs. Whenever he wants to climb out of the depression, the self-regulating part would drag him back into a state of depression.
For outward narcissism, the person would project insufficiency onto other people, not himself. For himself, he needs to have an imagery of himself as someone who is absurdly self-sufficient (and almost perfect). In this state, said person would have the desire to keep accomplishing more impossible goals in order for his self-sufficient inner state to sustain itself (otherwise the said person would fall into depression). In order to project other people’s insufficiency, he has a tendency to seduce others to follow him, then he will find ways to destroy those people’s self-esteem and make those people believe he is the savior for all those people. The outward narcissist can not form a tight bond with other people because for the narcissist, bonding means weakness. The innate feeling of bonding triggers childhood trauma.
The cure for narcissism is innately difficult. As the author noted numerous times in the book, every human fundamentally craves for “recognition”. That a human child needs recognition - of being loved, admired, cared for, attentive for etc. Absent of it, growing up as an adult, they inevitably would have bonding issues with others.
... narcissist parents cannot bear to acknowledge any deficiency in themselves, and so justify their resentment of being asked to give love by making it the child’s own fault that love is being withheld.
When the said child grows up not able to dissociate his own traumatic upbringing (the author noted that when a child grows up able to dissociate that, their own offspring often would grow up in a healthy manner), the child is very likely to become a traumatic narcissistic. And there are two ways narcissism manifest itself: inwards and outwards.
For inward narcissism, the person would project insufficiency onto himself and project depression onto himself. He would always never feel worthy, and he would bend backwards to fill others’ needs over his own needs. For that he firmly believes he himself is unworthy of love unless he fulfills others’ needs. Whenever he wants to climb out of the depression, the self-regulating part would drag him back into a state of depression.
Some of the children raised by narcissist parents become unable to feel a sense of validity other than by attempting to be a gratifying object for the other. From this position, the sense of personal agency and desire is atrophied, replaced instead with anxiety, and underlying resentment, about satisfying the demands and expectation of the other.
For outward narcissism, the person would project insufficiency onto other people, not himself. For himself, he needs to have an imagery of himself as someone who is absurdly self-sufficient (and almost perfect). In this state, said person would have the desire to keep accomplishing more impossible goals in order for his self-sufficient inner state to sustain itself (otherwise the said person would fall into depression). In order to project other people’s insufficiency, he has a tendency to seduce others to follow him, then he will find ways to destroy those people’s self-esteem and make those people believe he is the savior for all those people. The outward narcissist can not form a tight bond with other people because for the narcissist, bonding means weakness. The innate feeling of bonding triggers childhood trauma.
People in this group, the “externalizers,” might come to disdain needs altogether, and imagine that they themselves have no needs, that only others are weak and needy.
The cure for narcissism is innately difficult. As the author noted numerous times in the book, every human fundamentally craves for “recognition”. That a human child needs recognition - of being loved, admired, cared for, attentive for etc. Absent of it, growing up as an adult, they inevitably would have bonding issues with others.
There is rarely, if ever, a perfect solution for the adult child of the traumatizing narcissist; but feelings that were unbearable can become bearable, and life energy that was tied up in trauma can be freed up and invested in a life of one’s own.
May 28, 2018
While this book is marketed to lay readers, many of the chapters relate almost entirely to psychoanalytic practice, which is not ultimately relevant to anyone not working in that profession. The chapters on traumatizing narcissists as parents, cult leaders and romantic partners were interesting to me, as a lay reader, but the use of psychoanalytical jargon and academic tone made this less accessible for me, as an outsider to the field.
November 28, 2020
It was more of a clinician read than a non clinician. I read it to learn more for my personal life but it wasn’t for me and I don’t want to say it is bad but that it may not be the book for you if you are trying to learn about yourself and the narcissist in your family. Otherwise it is like reading a academic journal of approaches and strategies between the narcissist and therapist.
April 7, 2024
Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation by Daniel Shaw offers a profound exploration of the traumatic impact of narcissism on interpersonal relationships. Shaw delves into the dynamics of narcissism, conceptualizing the "traumatizing narcissist" as a perpetrator of subjugation, where one person objectifies the other to enforce dominance. Drawing from theories of trauma, attachment, and intersubjectivity, Shaw provides insightful analyses of various contexts, including intergenerational trauma and the clinician's experience with adult children of narcissists. This book not only deepens our understanding of narcissism but also offers therapeutic opportunities for mental health professionals across modalities, making it essential reading for clinicians and lay readers alike.
September 6, 2024
Though it starts off well, the therapist brings up a client and their relationship with the client is really bitter and codependent. It doesn't seem like the therapist had worked through their issues. But overall a very good book of how a narcissist will not accept anything other than a clone of themselves, and even then try to get angry about forcing them to do that. I just avoid these types. Codependency is the secondary struggle after understanding and working away from narcissism that nobody talks about as a secondary struggle after identifying and recovering from the narcissist as the first step. It seems like some inverted narcissism, just fixated on everything they're doing and negative the whole day instead of seeking out constructive, healthy people free of the whole toxic milieu.
May 15, 2024
As a clinician Shaws exploration of traumatizing narcissists was new for me for a few reasons. Working with abusers, the paradigm I was trained in emphasized the abusers' choice and discouraged delving into pathology as excuse making. I also am not used to relational models of diagnosis where a pathology must be tied to another person. Lastly, I am not psychodynamic.
All of these perspectives were revelatory and compelling. The traumatizing narcissist is pervasive and powerful and maybe even contagious in a límited sense. I will think for a while about these ideas. I sense broad utility in the clinical world.
All of these perspectives were revelatory and compelling. The traumatizing narcissist is pervasive and powerful and maybe even contagious in a límited sense. I will think for a while about these ideas. I sense broad utility in the clinical world.
May 5, 2023
i have never found such a thorough guide to being a traumatic narcissist
a must read if you’re looking to overcome your feelings of shame and inadequacy by subjugating your loved one through enforcing your subjectivity onto them
Thanks Mr Shaw!
a must read if you’re looking to overcome your feelings of shame and inadequacy by subjugating your loved one through enforcing your subjectivity onto them
Thanks Mr Shaw!
September 23, 2024
Really liked the concept and found loads of it very interesting, but did find it a bit hard to follow at points and felt myself zoning out. Think I get a bit bored/lost when authors spend a lot of time positioning their ideas as unique/better than others.
Definitely a book that had me reflecting a lot. I think it's interesting that he's chosen to explore narcissism as a relational process, but then kind of still positioned "some" people as "traumatising narcissists," which often feels positioned as more fixed. Kind of felt counter to the point: narcissism is normal, happens relationally and more extreme forms are a result of trauma and can be worked with through this framework.
Definitely a book that had me reflecting a lot. I think it's interesting that he's chosen to explore narcissism as a relational process, but then kind of still positioned "some" people as "traumatising narcissists," which often feels positioned as more fixed. Kind of felt counter to the point: narcissism is normal, happens relationally and more extreme forms are a result of trauma and can be worked with through this framework.
July 31, 2025
The theoretical framework of the book on narcissism was clear and satisfactory. However, in some chapters, it felt more like the book should have been titled "The Curious Child's Guide to Narcissism: Everyone I Disagree With Is a Narcissist: Including Republicans, Conservatives, and Many More!"
Want to read
August 15, 2022Jewel rec!
January 30, 2023
Enlightening, relatable, analytical and thoughtful. Shaw is also interviewed in some YouTube videos, which are similarly insightful.
January 31, 2023
Freaked me out.
July 24, 2023
This was an intense read. The writing style was a bit heavy for my reading taste but such rich content that broadened my perspective of narcissism so much.
February 1, 2024
Required reading if you have a narcissist in your life. Lesson: Name the enemy.
March 17, 2024
It has taken me more than three years to get through this book because of the time required to thoughtfully read and absorb this content. An invaluable resource for anyone who has struggled to heal from a relationship with someone who is a pathological narcissist.
January 12, 2025
Even better than the first time!
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews