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The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
Discover the Keys to a Healthy Stepfamily
Leading stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal reveals the seven fundamental steps to blended family success and provides practical, realistic solutions to the issues you face as a stepfamily. Whether married or soon-to-be-married, you'll discover how to
- Solve the everyday puzzles of stepparenting and stepchildren relationships
- Communicate effectively with an ex-spouse
- Handle stepfamily finances confidently
- "Cook" your stepfamily slowly rather than expect an instant blend
This revised and expanded edition has updated research and two new chapters with even more real-world advice on topics such as stepsibling relationships and later-life stepfamilies.
Leading stepfamily expert Ron L. Deal reveals the seven fundamental steps to blended family success and provides practical, realistic solutions to the issues you face as a stepfamily. Whether married or soon-to-be-married, you'll discover how to
- Solve the everyday puzzles of stepparenting and stepchildren relationships
- Communicate effectively with an ex-spouse
- Handle stepfamily finances confidently
- "Cook" your stepfamily slowly rather than expect an instant blend
This revised and expanded edition has updated research and two new chapters with even more real-world advice on topics such as stepsibling relationships and later-life stepfamilies.
320 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2002
372 people are currently reading
531 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
July 22, 2020
Good book but
I enjoyed this book as a step parent. The only thing I wished it addressed which it barely touched was the step parent with no children dynamic. My husband wasn't married but had children while I had never been married or had any children so there wasn't that understanding we both had forge situation. Other than that, I thought the book was well written and helpful.
I enjoyed this book as a step parent. The only thing I wished it addressed which it barely touched was the step parent with no children dynamic. My husband wasn't married but had children while I had never been married or had any children so there wasn't that understanding we both had forge situation. Other than that, I thought the book was well written and helpful.
July 15, 2013
A little over a year ago I got remarried. My wife has three children and I have two kids. We took a class at our Church based on this book. I would recommend this book to anybody who is involved in some way with a stepfamily.
Everyone wants the merger to be a happy one with mutual love and respect flowing between the kids and adults immediately. One of the main things I learned from this book is that to develope any kind of relationship with the kids it will take time. There will be disappointments and tension. The step-parent has to be the adult and let a lot of things bounce off them. How quickly the relationship developes and how close the relationship becomes is really up to the kid. Patience and grace.
Lots of good ideas on discipline. The biological parent needs to take the lead with their own children. God must come first in your new marriage, your spouse second and your kids after that. Easy to say but often hard to live out when a conflict developes between your child and your spouse.
Second marriages have a tough time surviving. Oftentimes children are the cause of the stress and tension that hurt your marriage. Invest your time and money in this book so you can at least see ways to lessen your expectations and stress.
Everyone wants the merger to be a happy one with mutual love and respect flowing between the kids and adults immediately. One of the main things I learned from this book is that to develope any kind of relationship with the kids it will take time. There will be disappointments and tension. The step-parent has to be the adult and let a lot of things bounce off them. How quickly the relationship developes and how close the relationship becomes is really up to the kid. Patience and grace.
Lots of good ideas on discipline. The biological parent needs to take the lead with their own children. God must come first in your new marriage, your spouse second and your kids after that. Easy to say but often hard to live out when a conflict developes between your child and your spouse.
Second marriages have a tough time surviving. Oftentimes children are the cause of the stress and tension that hurt your marriage. Invest your time and money in this book so you can at least see ways to lessen your expectations and stress.
August 20, 2020
This book was PACKED with useful, practical information, exercises, and questions for a stepfamily. I’m in a serious relationship with a divorced dad, so I’m learning about the landscape of stepfamilies as we head towards the possibility of marriage. I found this to be very helpful as a resource. I listened to the audiobook, and plan to obtain a hard copy in order to easily reference the reference questions and exercises.
At first, I was thrown off by all the Christian references, Bible stories and verses, though, eventually I was able to translate the concepts into my own language. (I grew up Christian but as an adult have resonated more with the spiritual practices of Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, and shamanic journeying practices. Though, I don’t fully connect to Christian jargon, I am a deeply spiritual person who holds many parallel beliefs to the Christian ideology.)
Glad that I went back to the book, after first shutting it off because it seemed unrelatable to me as a non-practicing Christian-ish person.
At first, I was thrown off by all the Christian references, Bible stories and verses, though, eventually I was able to translate the concepts into my own language. (I grew up Christian but as an adult have resonated more with the spiritual practices of Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, and shamanic journeying practices. Though, I don’t fully connect to Christian jargon, I am a deeply spiritual person who holds many parallel beliefs to the Christian ideology.)
Glad that I went back to the book, after first shutting it off because it seemed unrelatable to me as a non-practicing Christian-ish person.
December 19, 2017
There's nothing really earth shattering in this book if you have read and researched stepfamily issues and pitfalls. However, it was solid advice about taking time to let things fall into place. There were a lot of real stories, and some were from adults who had gone through stepfamily integration as children, which is always an interesting perspective for me to read about.
December 19, 2017
If you are in a blended family, or you know someone who is, or you are a pastor, this book is a MUST READ. Blended families are so much more complex than I ever could have imagined, and they need the wisdom Ron offers to be sucsesfull.
May 21, 2018
Very religious. I would say this book was 70% preaching the religion of the writer, 20% trying to sell you other quizzes and reference material and 10% about actual step family dynamics. Not what I expected at all. Would not recommend unless you’re looking for a religious (Christian) text.
April 7, 2025
As a social worker and someone deeply committed to supporting blended families, I picked up The Smart Stepfamily with hope. Ron L. Deal clearly has a heart for helping stepfamilies succeed, and for readers who are Christian, heterosexual, and navigating a remarriage with mutual cooperation from all parties, this book will likely feel warm, supportive, and useful. It offers practical advice, a realistic timeline for bonding, and a welcome reminder that blending a family is more like simmering a stew than using a blender.
But I wouldn’t recommend this book overall, and here’s why:
First, its strong Christian framing makes it less accessible for families who aren’t religious or who follow a different faith. The frequent reliance on Scripture and church-centered language can alienate readers looking for broader, more inclusive guidance.
Second, the book reads through a narrow lens. It assumes a fairly ideal situation: cooperative ex-spouses, willing children, and a traditional two-parent household. It doesn’t account for high-conflict dynamics, families dealing with trauma, children with complex needs, or mental health challenges—issues I regularly see in my professional practice.
Third, the book has a distinctly heteronormative approach. LGBTQIA+ families and non-traditional stepfamilies won’t see themselves represented here, and there’s very little attention to cultural or socioeconomic diversity.
Lastly, it lightly touches on—but doesn’t dive into—the deeper emotional terrain that many stepfamilies face: grief, identity, loyalty binds, or systemic issues that influence family wellbeing.
In summary, while I appreciate the heart behind this book and recognize its value for a specific audience, it simply doesn’t reflect the diversity or complexity of the modern stepfamily. If you’re looking for a more inclusive, trauma-informed, or secular approach, this likely won’t be the guide you need.
But I wouldn’t recommend this book overall, and here’s why:
First, its strong Christian framing makes it less accessible for families who aren’t religious or who follow a different faith. The frequent reliance on Scripture and church-centered language can alienate readers looking for broader, more inclusive guidance.
Second, the book reads through a narrow lens. It assumes a fairly ideal situation: cooperative ex-spouses, willing children, and a traditional two-parent household. It doesn’t account for high-conflict dynamics, families dealing with trauma, children with complex needs, or mental health challenges—issues I regularly see in my professional practice.
Third, the book has a distinctly heteronormative approach. LGBTQIA+ families and non-traditional stepfamilies won’t see themselves represented here, and there’s very little attention to cultural or socioeconomic diversity.
Lastly, it lightly touches on—but doesn’t dive into—the deeper emotional terrain that many stepfamilies face: grief, identity, loyalty binds, or systemic issues that influence family wellbeing.
In summary, while I appreciate the heart behind this book and recognize its value for a specific audience, it simply doesn’t reflect the diversity or complexity of the modern stepfamily. If you’re looking for a more inclusive, trauma-informed, or secular approach, this likely won’t be the guide you need.
March 11, 2022
Really helpful guide for step-families. His message of trusting God even though the future seems unsure was a real important encouragement for me right when I needed it. We are two years in at this point and it was good to see what we got right and where we may have misstepped. The pain and turmoil of blending families is an important reality to acknowledge, and for that I'm very grateful.
He makes the marriage a top priority explaining why and how it's the best for the kids. He is helpful in breaking down how best to approach kids, and that is the heart of the book and takes up the most space. He does a great job in this area addressing different ages, roles, and how our relationship with exes should be handled. He also emphasizes humility and patience and empathy, which are so needed. It was great to have these idea and character traits in his book. His section on pitfalls to watch out for, notably the section on unrecognized loss and unexpected grief were really beautiful and handled well. The wisdom learned in the loss of his own 12 year old son really rises to the top. There are shorter sections about money and some other challenges which were helpful as well.
The questions for kids and parents at the end of each chapter are great conversation starters and keep you thinking.
It's got helpful details and plenty of research it leans on to support his assertions, and I didn't find anything a stretch as to his conclusions.
He makes the marriage a top priority explaining why and how it's the best for the kids. He is helpful in breaking down how best to approach kids, and that is the heart of the book and takes up the most space. He does a great job in this area addressing different ages, roles, and how our relationship with exes should be handled. He also emphasizes humility and patience and empathy, which are so needed. It was great to have these idea and character traits in his book. His section on pitfalls to watch out for, notably the section on unrecognized loss and unexpected grief were really beautiful and handled well. The wisdom learned in the loss of his own 12 year old son really rises to the top. There are shorter sections about money and some other challenges which were helpful as well.
The questions for kids and parents at the end of each chapter are great conversation starters and keep you thinking.
It's got helpful details and plenty of research it leans on to support his assertions, and I didn't find anything a stretch as to his conclusions.
May 16, 2023
In the Smart Stepfamily, Ron Deal has written an absolutely excellent book. Biblical without being preachy, thoughtful without being academic, practical without being just a bunch of stories and aphorisms, what we find here is a detailed examination of how to wisely blend a stepfamily written by a spiritual and experienced man.
Deal's basic premise is that stepfamilies are blended best slowly, as ingredients come together in a crockpot. Using that as his underlying illustration, he walks us through a series of well-thought out and applied facets of creating a healthy step family. He doesn't shy away from the difficulties either. He discusses such things as relationships with ex-spouses, co-parenting challenges, financial difficulties, discipline issues, adoption, sibling relationships, even sexuality.
I came away seriously impressed on the one hand, and greatly encouraged to know now I have an excellent resource to recommend in pastoral counseling situations. Good books on marriage and parenting are not necessarily difficult to find, but I've never seen a good book on step-families. Well, mark it down, here is one.
Deal's basic premise is that stepfamilies are blended best slowly, as ingredients come together in a crockpot. Using that as his underlying illustration, he walks us through a series of well-thought out and applied facets of creating a healthy step family. He doesn't shy away from the difficulties either. He discusses such things as relationships with ex-spouses, co-parenting challenges, financial difficulties, discipline issues, adoption, sibling relationships, even sexuality.
I came away seriously impressed on the one hand, and greatly encouraged to know now I have an excellent resource to recommend in pastoral counseling situations. Good books on marriage and parenting are not necessarily difficult to find, but I've never seen a good book on step-families. Well, mark it down, here is one.
June 28, 2017
I feel like Deal nailed a lot of the difficulties and challenges of a blended family. There were many ticket items I could relate to for myself and for friends. This was an insightful book with great guidance on how to handle truth and challenges. I did however feel the book was repetitive with it's points and stories to where I got bored. I like to get information and move forward and I felt like topics had to be beaten to death and there were too many personal stories that I felt didn't relate well to the topics being addressed. I have read many marriage books and although I felt like this addressed good points, I felt overall this one was pretty average.
June 3, 2022
I would give this book 5 stars but it is a hard read. Anyone going into a stepfamily situation should read the book with their partner, as well as the companion books for Stepmom and stepdad. This book will make you think about all the potential pitfalls you could face, not to keep you from getting married, but to educate and make you think and pray about these things before you do.
The biggest thing I learned about being a new stepdad to adult children is to be patient and keep expectations realistic.
The biggest thing I learned about being a new stepdad to adult children is to be patient and keep expectations realistic.
February 6, 2024
No book on the topic of step-family life perfect - and it is certainly not all pleasing either. However, this is the most helpful and objective literature I have read on the topic so far. I peppered this book with highlights and will reference it for years to come. I plan to start its sister book written specifically for stepmoms soon.
This book is based on Christian scripture and heart posture. However, I think the insight it provides is practical and wise regardless of one's religious beliefs. If Christianity puts you off, don't let it put you entirely off this book.
This book is based on Christian scripture and heart posture. However, I think the insight it provides is practical and wise regardless of one's religious beliefs. If Christianity puts you off, don't let it put you entirely off this book.
December 13, 2025
This book is the best guide ive found so far on navigating second marriage with children. It is grounded in research and is well rounded in its perspective. Based in Christian values which you can ignore or skip over if thats not what you need in a self help parenting book. Discussion on modesty with teens was outdated but I appreciated that it addressed sexuality in the home rather than pretended it didnt exist.
This is a great read for both those looking for support or practical advise for themselves as well as clinicians who may be helping clients with related issues.
This is a great read for both those looking for support or practical advise for themselves as well as clinicians who may be helping clients with related issues.
September 2, 2018
When I first read this book, it was the only stepparenting book that had a chapter about stepparenting after the death of a bio parent, a topic I was craving to help myself and my stepkids who lost their mom. Deal's book became a personal inspiration to me to expand that topic. I love this author's sense of humor, his metaphors -- such as the stepfamily crockpot -- and the stories from his stepfamily work over the years.
January 14, 2020
Great information about the most successful ways to establish a “step family.” Great insight on co-parenting and how to navigate challenges.
I read part and listened to part of this book. The audio version was pretty bland but the content was great. This book would be a great resource prior to remarriage. Even if you are single because of death or divorce and are contemplating remarriage, I would recommend this book.
I read part and listened to part of this book. The audio version was pretty bland but the content was great. This book would be a great resource prior to remarriage. Even if you are single because of death or divorce and are contemplating remarriage, I would recommend this book.
August 25, 2020
This book as given to us as a wedding gift, as we were blending families. It's been a great book to read over the last few years, with reminders of what we should and should not be doing. I will say that this would be an excellent read to those who are GOING to become step-parents (before they actually do) and is best read as a couple! Some of the steps are basic but dig deeper into those conceptions to give you a better understanding of how the entire family responds to each scenario.
December 31, 2020
A useful resource with some very helpful perspectives to help empathise with others in a stepfamily. It may not resolve the issues but it certainly gives more information to work with which can’t be a bad thing. I understand that this is a Christian book and written from that perspective, but sometimes it was a bit too much in your face - it’s hard to understand some of the more important points if one is distracted by the theological stance adopted by the author.
April 26, 2022
The Smart Stepfamily
This book changed my life. It showed me so much that I was not aware of but desperately needed to be. It gave me so many tools to help me navigate this stepfamily experience. There are still some parts that I felt uncomfortable reading because I didn’t feel ready to change, or even ready to admit that maybe I’m doing some things wrong, so I’ll probably need to re-read this at some point when I’m ready to learn more.
This book changed my life. It showed me so much that I was not aware of but desperately needed to be. It gave me so many tools to help me navigate this stepfamily experience. There are still some parts that I felt uncomfortable reading because I didn’t feel ready to change, or even ready to admit that maybe I’m doing some things wrong, so I’ll probably need to re-read this at some point when I’m ready to learn more.
May 16, 2024
As a recommendation, it wasn’t horrible. I’m not super religious so a lot of that was over the top for me, but there are definitely good takeaways within. This book gave me a baseline for a potential future.
July 3, 2025
This book is FLOODED with incredibly useful practical and abstract information. It covers any step family structure and issue you could imagine. If only I had gktten this book before marriage. So many things I failed on in the first year
December 11, 2019
Solid strategies for understanding the dynamics of blended families and practical ways to make these families function and communicate better.
March 3, 2022
I wish there were books that didn't have to bring religion into self-help for those who don't have that level of faith.
April 20, 2022
Skimmed quite a bit of it. Good resource.
November 5, 2022
Not what I expected. Heavily religious. DNF
May 2, 2025
I read this TWICE! It’s so spot on.
October 4, 2018
This was a great, eye-opening book for me to read with my fiance. It helped us be aware of what issues may arise as we blend our family soon. This prompted many productive discussions and was (and I'm sure will continue to be) a helpful resource to us.
April 25, 2018
As a child of divorced parents and being divorced myself, this book had some very valid and helpful points. I liked he fact that Deal mentioned some of the worse parts of being from a blended family such as, mutual respect, angry children, disagreements between spouses, etc. That being said, most of the information in the book I had already read about or researched. As someone who is not very religious, I felt the religion was a little over the top. Overall, the book was decent. I received this book for free to review.
February 1, 2014
My husband and I felt called to lead a Life Group at our church regarding step-families. I searched for a book that would address this topic, and came across this one. Glancing through the pages, I could tell this book addressed many of the issues step-families face. So I made this our group's reading material. But it wasn't until I read the whole book prior to the class that I realized how perfect this book really is for step-families. Many of the issues my husband and I are battling in our own home were addressed in real world ways, and not sugar coated to be made unrealistically holy. Integrating a step-family can be messy work, and is not a quick process. There are too many variables to expect a nice, neat in-the-box solution. I love how this book nixed the idea of a "blended" family, and instead reintroduced step-families as "crock pot families" - a slow-cooking process to make two families into one, yet still consisting of separate, unique ingredients. Ron Deal offered multiple family styles and situations, and realistic solutions to be practiced over time. I feel like I understand our family dynamic so much better after reading this book, and I can't wait to lead our Life Group with these teachings as our guide. Even more exciting, I can really see this becoming a future ministry in our church to reach other families who may be struggling as we have (and still are). It's important for every step-family to realize they are not outside God's plan, and there is hope for peace within their home even if it seems hopeless.
April 6, 2015
"People who are trying to prove to their parents, friends, church, minister, or themselves that their remarriage decision was right for everyone, need their family to 'blend' quickly. But they are often greatly disappointed and feel like failures. A slow cooking mentality, however, brings relief from the pressure to show everyone you can get along because you assume from the beginning that it will likely take years for your stepfamily to integrate. It also invites you to relax in the moment and enjoy the small steps your stepfamily is making toward integration, rather than pressuring family members to move ahead." (p.70)
January 25, 2019
This book was highly Christian. They think the Christian God and religion is key to success in life.
Aside from that stuff, though, this book really helped prepare me for what I might experience as I transition into a relationship with a man with children. It relieved a lot of my pressures and relieved many of my fears. 👍
They suggest considering yourself as more of a babysitter when you first meet the children. Leave discipline to the birth parent(s). Allow the child to set the tone and speed of the relationship and affection. Don't force anything, let them come to you. So far, this is working out wonderfully in my life.
Aside from that stuff, though, this book really helped prepare me for what I might experience as I transition into a relationship with a man with children. It relieved a lot of my pressures and relieved many of my fears. 👍
They suggest considering yourself as more of a babysitter when you first meet the children. Leave discipline to the birth parent(s). Allow the child to set the tone and speed of the relationship and affection. Don't force anything, let them come to you. So far, this is working out wonderfully in my life.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews