Crossing the Moon

by Paulette Bates Alden, Paulette Alden

"So how was it, I wondered, that I had arrived at this point in my life: almost thirty-nine years old, no child? When I looked back, I could see why, and even when, I took a sharp turn away from motherhood. I could also see why motherhood would catch up with me."

CROSSING THE MOON is Paulette Bates Alden's memoir of the years that followed, when having a child became the most important thing in her life. Raised Southern in the fifties, Alden had turned her back on the "virgin-wife-mother" path before her, and chose a writer's life instead. When with some ambivalence she and her husband embark on a course of infertility treatment, it is a journey with many unexpected returns. This is a wry and poignant tale of the choices that women must make--and learn to live with.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography Memoir, Amazon, Autobiography

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 1, 1998

About the author

Also published under Paulette Alden

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Frank and tender, this is a wonderful memoir about women’s reproductive choices – or the way life sometimes takes those choices out of your hands. Alden was happily married, with a beloved cat named Cecil and her first short story collection (Feeding the Eagles) coming out soon. At age 39, she still hadn’t thought all that much about motherhood, but suddenly decision time was on her. Despite her ambivalence (“I might never have a child, and the irony is not lost on me, that I’m not even sure I want one”), she went ahead with multiple rounds of infertility treatment, only conceding defeat and grieving her loss when she was 42.

All along she was resisting multiple voices: that of her Southern upbringing, which said all women were supposed to have children; that of feminism, which told her she wasn’t supposed to want what all women are supposed to have. There was also an inner suspicion that the life she already had was the one she wanted. (“From the very start, I had seen writing and motherhood as mutually exclusive.”)

I found this a touching story of learning to love the life you have.

It came to me that it really was a choice between two good things – having a child and not having a child. Our life without a child seemed good to me. I caught a glimpse that it was what was right for us, for the best. But who can say what is ‘best’? Maybe it’s possible to get to a place where what is best is simply what is.

This is my second Alden book this year (after Unforgettable, her recent short story collection). I am just loving her voice, and I look forward to reading the rest of her oeuvre.

Related reads:
Make Me a Mother by Susanne Antonetta
All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so nourishing to me -- the right book at the right time about the right subject matter.

As I stand on the precipice of making the decision to start a family, I'm hungry for real stories about how other women and couples approach this life-changing event. Paulette's memoir begins when she is 39, keenly noticing, for the first time, how many women are mothers. She's spent most of her life focused on her writing and her self-development, and although she and her partner are not using birth control, she feels a certain contempt for couples who are "trying" to conceive. The fact that she doesn't use birth control but also does not "try" to get pregnant encapsulates the ambivalence that she feels toward the issue, but it takes center stage in her consciousness as she realizes that "time is running out" and that if she doesn't make a conscious decision about whether to have a child, the clock will make it for her.

Over half the book is devoted to the exploration of this ambivalence, as she imagines what she would have to give up, reflects upon her relationship with her own mother, and tries to engage her partner in the issue (she assumes, probably rightly so, that it's not "as big a deal" to him either way, so he's somewhat less preoccupied.) I'm glad the book spent so much time in this territory because it is the same territory I'm exploring. It's pegged as an "infertility memoir," but it's really a memoir about the choices we make, how we make them, and what we do when they don't come out as planned.

At last, she decides to start "trying," timing sex for her fertile period, and when she doesn't get pregnant that way, she consults fertility doctors. Soon, she's on a three-year path of infertility treatment, and her ambivalence is gone -- she is certain she wants to have a child now even as she has trouble wrapping her head around exactly what that means. I think it's a feature of the human condition that we want even more desperately that which we've had to work very hard to attain, and she fluently explores the tension between needing to maintain enough hope to keep "trying" while tamping it down enough not to be crushed every time her period arrives.

I found myself wondering the whole time whether she would succeed and become a mother, and while I don't want to "give away" the ending, either way this book serves as a beautiful, lucid exploration of a tender and intimate topic, and I feel grateful for Alden's generosity and bravery in sharing her story.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s not often that I revisit our infertility days.

Occasionally, of course, reminders surface – the most prominent ones being the almost-12 year old twins currently living with me and The Husband.

Sometimes there are other remnants.

A question from a new friend, or from an ever-so-inquisitive daughter.

A name.

A forgotten song.

For just a moment – or a few moments – I’m back to the future, like Marty McFly in his DeLorean.

I don’t stay long. Just long enough to still have a sense of wonder of it all, and gratitude, and amazement that despite everything in the past baker’s dozen years, this really happened and yes, Melissa, this really is your life.

* * * *

I was reminded of the infertility days earlier this week and in my typical style, I went all fangirl on Facebook.

Indulge me in a fangirl moment. Paulette Bates Alden just friended me on Goodreads. She wrote the most transformative, inspiring, mind-shifting (for me) memoir that I read during our infertility days (CROSSING THE MOON). One of the best books ever.#verklempt

Thus begat an email exchange with Paulette about Crossing the Moon (among other things).

I can’t really put into words how important this book was for me when I read it back in 1997. Well, I think it was 1997. Honestly, it could have been anytime between 1996 (when it was published) and 2000. Those days of driving 25 minutes to the infertility clinic to get blood drawn before turning around and driving the opposite direction to work, of waiting on HcG counts like they were Powerball numbers (which they kind of were), of constantly feeling like a pendulum of “should we or should we not?” emotions all seem so very far away now.

What I remember distinctly is reading Crossing the Moon on the porch of our townhouse, watching the sun go down and feeling like this nightly ritual was a metaphor for this seemingly futile quest. (Ours was a six year infertility journey.) Crossing the Moon was one of those books that arrived when I was struggling with some big, life-changing decisions – namely, whether I truly wanted to continue down this road in pursuit of some nebulous, definitely no-way-in-hell-are-you-getting-your-money-back guarantee goal.

I wasn’t in this alone, of course. Like the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Or, in our case, a whole damn team of fertility specialists to drive you to the dance.

Before childfree was a lifestyle choice touted on magazine covers, there was Paulette Bates Alden quietly in the shadows with Crossing the Moon, a little memoir that even she admits didn’t get much attention when it was published in 1996. But it’s about so much more.

As the jacket cover says, “the author recounts her initial ambivalance about motherhood, the pain and frustration of following a course of treatment for infertility, and ultimately the birth of a new self: a writer, comfortable at last with her family of two. Inevitably, the book also touches a wide array of other issues: aging parents; being raised Southern and female in the fifties; the trade-offs between a life of work and one devoted to nurture; coping with grief and loss.”

As much as I love Crossing the Moon, it’s not one of those books I re-read often. It’s rare that I re-read any book, but with this, I hadn’t cracked the spine for quite some time.

I decided to re-read the lines I’d underlined so long ago, to try and figure out, why, exactly, they were so resonant to me then and why they are still important all these 16+ years later.

(Yes, I underlined. In a book. So unusual for me, but I guess somehow I knew that I’d need to access these words in the future.)

“I had been going along so nicely, I thought, my ducks if not in a row at least in a circle, thinking I knew who I was, that I understood my life, when suddenly I felt like one of those contestants on To Tell the Truth: Will the real me please stand up? Several of us did. There was the me who felt her heart would break if I didn’t have a child, the me who felt her life would be over if I did, and the me who was stumbling around as if shell-shocked going “But …but …but …” (pg. 37)

“I had always assumed that the past, like the future, would always be there, but lately I was getting the feeling that I was wrong on both counts. Both were in danger of disappearing.” (pg. 38)

“I felt that I was an either-or sort of person, someone who could do either motherhood or writing ‘right’ – but not both of them. I was someone who had to choose. But for all my talk about choices, I was afraid to make them, because choosing meant giving something up.” (pg. 111-112)

Make no mistake: here, in 2013, I don’t regret our choice. Not for a minute. Still, it feels like exhuming a body, reading these phrases again. A glimpse down the path not taken, as if I had had the ability then to peek into this crystal ball and see this life and the manifestations of these decisions.

The book has a subtitle that mine lacks: “A woman’s struggle to have a child yields a joyful surprise – the birth of a new self.”

And that’s it, right there. That’s what I couldn’t quite see all those years ago. We could have gone in any direction all those years ago, and no matter what happened, that would have been the result. A new self.

What I didn’t realize is that it was the journey itself that gave birth to the new self. One that would have been born no matter what path we chose.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some how this author left me feeling disturbed by how she went about her plan to decided if she would have a child. I really didn't think she truly wanted a child to begin with, and then she went through all the infertility treatments. She seemed too much into her own self to be a good mother, and I hoped throughout the book, that she didn't have a child. The author gave up her better chances of having a baby, and worked on becoming a writer. I don't think she could see herself giving her time to being a mother, and not having as much time for her writing.

I know a doctor who specializes in infertility, and I have several friends, who have had to go that way to have their families. I took care of one friends baby, while my friend worked. The couple called their little girl, there million dollar baby.

I did relate to some of the authors feelings; not wanting to see friends babies, because it made me feel so sad I wasn't getting pregnant.

[J. A. Lewis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mrs. Alden writes a very personal journal on her struggles with infertility. As a mother myself, I suppose I never truly considered all the tests, appointments, shots, drugs, etc. that someone faces dealing with these problems, not to mention the emotional traumas. I do admit to skimming through a great deal of this book as it is very detailed. However, this memoir does give one a new prospective on the women who so want a child but their body doesn't cooperate. It is heart-breaking to say the least.

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began this book without knowing that it was a memoir. It was an illuminating insight into the mind and emotions of a woman struggling with infertility and guilt.
I was deeply moved by her journey and feel I am more understanding of the depth of loss for those who wish to bear a child and are unable.

[Deb Richardson-Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book many years ago and have recommended it ever since. Especially if you are from Paulette's hometown, Greenville, SC, you will see and hear and touch and smell all the wonders of her surroundings as she struggles with this issue of infertility. A terrific and beguiling memoir.

[Judie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Motherhood and family relationships are the core of Paulette Bates Alden’s memoir, CROSSING THE MOON. Born in 1947 and raised in a traditional southern Baptist environment in South Carolina, she left home to go to college where she studied writing. Her first stop was Chapel Hill, North Carolina, then on to Stanford in California for graduate studies.
Her life became totally different than the one she had imagined while growing up and being lived by almost everyone else with whom she had grown up. Most all the girls she had known in South Carolina had gotten married and had children. At Stanford, there was a lot of talk and relationships involving sex. “We talked a lot about giving birth, but we meant to ourselves.” In her studies she realized that more literature written by men. “One can only conjecture about how many great feminine novels are walking around in flesh and blood. Women seem to have babies instead of books.”
She eventually did get married but wasn’t interested in the children part until she was about forty years old. She wondered if that was a rejection of her mother, whose role in her life looked different in retrospect.
Much of the book is about the relationship between her and her mother, the way it seemed to her as a child and then as an adult, understanding what her mother was trying to accomplish. She remembered that while growing up, her mother “couldn’t look at [her sister] and me without thinking up some way to improve us, something else that we needed to do. No wonder we wanted to escape her.” “By the time we were teenagers, the very qualities in her we had valued in childhood became the source of conflict....We began to resist her, to separate from her, the normal thing. But this pulling apart was not without its pain, anger, and sorrow on both sides.... She wanted what was best for us, but what was best was defined by what society had in mind.... And in that era when everything turned upside down, even if we didn’t always know who we were, at least we knew who we weren’t: our mothers and fathers.” At one point when she was visiting her mother and met with childhood friends she “grew to see that at least in part my mother was right. As I became more comfortable with myself and more surely established in my own life, it became easier to accept my friends and the choices they made. I wasn’t so defensive or threatened.”
As she neared the end of her child bearing years, her interest in becoming a mother increased dramatically. When it wasn’t as easy as she expected it to be and she and her husband began undergoing infertility treatment, that interest became the most important issue in her life. She does into detail explaining the various tests and steps they took trying to achieve parenthood for several years. The way she dealt with not being able to maintain a pregnancy presented an important window to understanding how some women can deal with this situation and which flies against those who are doing so much to make abortion illegal: “It will never get that far. It will never be a baby I lose; it will be a pregnancy.” When she finally decided to stop trying, she
realized “Giving up on a child felt like a death. It was a death, but there was no ritual, no ceremony to mark it. There was no body, no funeral.”
At times I had the feeling that, initially, her wanting to have a child was more the result of peer pressure than of a genuine desire on her part. “Did I really want to be a mother, or did I really just want to conform to society’s expectations or me?”

CROSSING THE MOON is a very honest, open telling of the relationships between parents and children, husband and wife. It questions how much the way we view our own relationships with our parents, particularly our mothers, determines the type of lives we choose to live and how changes in that perspective can influence our future decisions. It also takes us through the agony of trying to achieve a goal that appears to be so easy for so many yet out of reach for others.
It was well-written and flowed smoothly.
This book was a free Amazon download.

[Linda Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

Paulette's story was one I could relate to at many different points. She was raised in the prim and proper south. I was not, however the same moral values were drummed into my head beginning at a very young age. When Paulette set off to a fellowship at Stanford, she drove across country not knowing anything of the rest of the world. Her innocence and naivete may have been her greatest strength. I made a similar choice to move to a strange city where I knew no one after I graduated from college. It was struggle, but today I am better off because of it.

I also admired Paulette's desire to be a writer. I related completely to the struggle of time and distraction that is every writer's enemy. And I felt her joy at receiving an acceptance letter from a publisher. A writer's life is full of ups and downs and as a writer myself, I found comfort knowing I am not alone.

The bulk of this story is Paulette's path through infertility treatments. In my thirties, I made a conscious decision not to have children. No woman comes to that choice lightly and I remember that phase of my life well. Paulette took a step further through years of fertility treatment but in the end came to the same resolution that children were not going to be a part of her life. She found peace. I completely understood her choice and her thought process.

Crossing The Moon is a lovely memoir of a woman's choices in life. As women we have a habit of second guessing ourselves but we need to remember that each step we take is part of a journey called life. The voyage belongs to you and only you no matter where it might lead.

[Sheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the surface, this is a well-written memoir about one family's struggle with infertility. More deeply embedded, though, is a tale of growing up with the turbulent emotional struggle of women's changing roles and expectations in the late 60s and early 70s. It is a theme I've heard and read about quite a lot, but not generally in such an ordinary, deeply personal, way. This wasn't a woman who tried to change the world, but a woman who was the face and heart of the changing world. I have great empathy for her struggles, both with infertility and personal growth, especially as a woman who has trod a significantly different path, made possible because of women like Alden. An interesting and thought-provoking read.

[Katya]

This is one of the few books I've read that is almost impossible to rate. It's equal parts powerful, depressing, and enlightening. It's fascinating in the sense that we all wonder "how would I react when confronted with this?". I'm thankful that the author had the courage to express her thoughts and share her journey with us.

[Loretta · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting story. Never having had to go through infertilty or close to someone who has endured this process, it was eye-opening to read about someone going through this very difficult & emotional process. Besides the infertility, the book focuses on her journey of coming to terms with who she is as a woman and making the choice whether or not to have a child as she turns 40.

[Lucy Burdette · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is Stegner fellow Paulette Alden's memoir about her struggle with infertility and the expectations about the kind of woman she would grow up to be, coming from the South. It a lovely book, full of emotion, personal stories, and flawless writing.

[Velvetink]

kindle cloud

[Beverly · Rating 3 out of 5]

A look inside the world of couples unable to have children and the painful journey down the medical road of options open to them.

[Pam · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm too far removed from this part of my life, but I would recommend it for anyone dealing with infertility.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really good memoir. Not what I expected but well written and interesting.

[Ashley Clark]

Started but couldn't get into it.