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No You Don't: Essays from an Unstrange Mind
This collection of raw, honest, emotional essays describe the pitfalls and joys of an autistic life. The author is a popular autistic blogger and her title essay, No You Don't, won her a loyal readership who admired her courage to share some of the darkest, most difficult times in her life. This collection includes that essay and one other popular essay that was published on her blog, Unstrange Mind, but all the rest of the writing in this book is new and has never been seen in print before -- on her blog or elsewhere. While this book contains reflections on some of the harsher aspects of living an autistic life, the overall tone is upbeat and hopeful. This book is not an exposé; the author describes it as a love song to the world. She expresses that her hope in writing is to help bridge the social gap between autistic people and non-autistic people and to help parents by showing them her story in hopes that a glimpse of one autistic life, viewed across the life span from childhood to middle age, will help validate and support parents in making wise choices in the confusing and difficult journey of mentoring their own children into becoming the strong and happy adults they are meant to be.
77 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 26, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
October 28, 2013
When I first approached No You Don't, I wasn't sure what to expect. I've read a number of autism memoirs, novels about us, and monographs that purported to tell “the story” of our condition, both as research for my own books and as a way of attempting to understand myself and my relationship to society as a whole. In every case, I have found other autism books to be missing some key element of the discussion, either because they try too hard to generalize from a few anecdotes to an entire population or because they reinforce the just-so stories that explain away the diversity of Autistic experience by reinforcing stereotypes about us.
No You Don't cleverly avoids all of those things, and it does so without reveling in its own cleverness. Ms. Jones's series of essays are nuanced and detailed, and she is careful to highlight the ways in which her experience both does and does not reflect the conditions that other Autistics face. She discusses common problems without sweeping generalizations, confronts specific cases of abuse and brutality from her past, and narrates her path toward an understanding of her own situation with a disarming combination of humility and kindness that, in every case, thoroughly explained her perspective without dictating that others should automatically adopt it.
If I had to try to pin down No You Don't to a certain genre or format, I would say that it is a book of skeptical essays that does not shrink from the task of reviewing lived experience and empirical evidence and contrasting it sharply against armchair theories and public perceptions. It is not only that, though. It is also a primer on patience and understanding, and a thoroughly enjoyable lesson about the importance of knowing oneself instead of defining oneself by the expectations of others.
I come from a family that has a multi-generational history of neurodivergence. In one way or another, most of us have been touched by learning and developmental disabilities, neurological problems, and/or mental illness, and in Ms. Jones's essays I found not only echoes of myself, but of my mother, my sister, and my grandfather. It is a terribly important book, not just for people who are attempting to understand autism, but also for people who are feeling lost or alone due to any hidden disability, mental illness, or recent trauma. It is a book about hope that is not afraid to confront the darkness and name the shadows, and an object lesson in a market clogged with abstract morality tales.
I can not recommend it strongly enough.
No You Don't cleverly avoids all of those things, and it does so without reveling in its own cleverness. Ms. Jones's series of essays are nuanced and detailed, and she is careful to highlight the ways in which her experience both does and does not reflect the conditions that other Autistics face. She discusses common problems without sweeping generalizations, confronts specific cases of abuse and brutality from her past, and narrates her path toward an understanding of her own situation with a disarming combination of humility and kindness that, in every case, thoroughly explained her perspective without dictating that others should automatically adopt it.
If I had to try to pin down No You Don't to a certain genre or format, I would say that it is a book of skeptical essays that does not shrink from the task of reviewing lived experience and empirical evidence and contrasting it sharply against armchair theories and public perceptions. It is not only that, though. It is also a primer on patience and understanding, and a thoroughly enjoyable lesson about the importance of knowing oneself instead of defining oneself by the expectations of others.
I come from a family that has a multi-generational history of neurodivergence. In one way or another, most of us have been touched by learning and developmental disabilities, neurological problems, and/or mental illness, and in Ms. Jones's essays I found not only echoes of myself, but of my mother, my sister, and my grandfather. It is a terribly important book, not just for people who are attempting to understand autism, but also for people who are feeling lost or alone due to any hidden disability, mental illness, or recent trauma. It is a book about hope that is not afraid to confront the darkness and name the shadows, and an object lesson in a market clogged with abstract morality tales.
I can not recommend it strongly enough.
November 4, 2013
As an autistic woman, I found myself nodding at so many of the revelations in this book. The writing is courageous and honest and unflinching, but never depressing or self-pitying. Sparrow has a gift for revealing the big picture through details, giving the reader glimpses into her life at key moments and then letting the reader draw their own conclusions.
While the essays in this collection will give any reader - autistic or not - insight into the experience of being autistic, the title essay in particular should be read by every parent or caregiver of an autistic child.
While the essays in this collection will give any reader - autistic or not - insight into the experience of being autistic, the title essay in particular should be read by every parent or caregiver of an autistic child.
October 24, 2013
Don't be put off by the word "essays"! These are not dry, academic articles. They are enjoyable, engaging, and insightful. Sparrow allows us into her mind and her world and makes us a part of her life. Thank you, I look forward to your future works.
November 1, 2020
Autism is a difference of intensity and frequency but above all, it is a slice of the human condition. (p. 1-2).
But my mind is unstrange. I am not a different species, an alien creature, a changeling, a robot, a freak of nature. I am a familiar word, pronounced with a different accent. I am your mother's favorite recipe, prepared by a stranger. I am your favorite song, recorded by a new artist. I am a human being; I am Autistic. (p. 3)
But it hurts me when someone says they want to stamp out autism because I hear that as, "we don't like your type of brain and we want to make sure no one like you is ever born again." (p. 6)
Autism is not a static condition and it is hard to see what an Autistic adult will look like by observing an Autistic child. (p.8)
... our autistic ability to really focus in deeply on things should be encouraged. Even when the interest is something unusual that seems like it's not going to have any real world application, it's better for us to be allowed to spend some time really honed in on it because these are times qhwn our brain is really developing in good ways and we are feeling happy and calm. Calm contentment can sometimes be difficult to find for Autistics, so I wish you would let us have it where we can find it sometimes, not always pushing us to try to find it where you think we are supposed to. (p. 32)
But autism has also been a source of great joy and strength for me. ... Do not pity me for living this life, the only life I know how to live. It is my life and I declare it a life worth living. It can be very difficult but everyone has struggles. These are mine. There are things about autism I would like to mitigate, but the thought of removing my autism altogether frightens me because I don't know who I would be if I had a different brain (p. 35).
... don't make the mistake of telling me, 'oh, just keep practicing and you'll get better at that.' You have no idea how much practice I have put in. You have no idea how much study and effort I have put in. You look at me and see an unpolished normal person who just needs to work a little harder. What you don't see is the amazing victories I accomplish every day. What you don't see is the way I have risen to challenge and fought the good fight and really pulled myself up by the bootstraps. Because all the work I have put in has only succeeded in making me appear flawed in your eyes instead of disabled. (p. 41)
Disability is about more than impairments or barriers to doing. Disability is about societal discrimination and barriers to being. I am not just disabled by my difficulties saying no and asking for help. I am disabled by the world around me and the expectations it puts on someone who looks like me (and writes like me!) and the attitudes it has about what I can do and what I cannot do. (p. 58)
... don't focus so much energy on making us look 'normal.' That's a waste of time. We're not 'normal' and we will never be 'normal.' We are Autistics and we are better off when you focus your energy on helping us to be the best Autistics we can be. If we look 'funny' people will learn to handle that. They will get used to that. It's more important that we feel safe, calm, happy, competent. It doesn't matter as much what we look like getting there. If we flap our hands, if we don't look people in the eye, if we communicate through typing or we speak in a monotone - it's okay. Those are not the things that matter. But I see so much focus on those things as if getting us to look right is all that's required to enact a 'cure.' (p. 63)
... the monumental effort I put forth every day to try (and fail) to look like everybody else is sapping my talents and potential. All my energy, all my intelligence, goes into looking normal. There's nothing left over to do a good job at something. When the most important thing is for me to look and sound like everybody else around me, all I have personal resources for is showing up. That's all you can get out of me. And that's not even enough for a job at McDonald's. I know. McDonald's fired me after two weeks. (p. 63)
... living with autism, diagnosed as an adult, has meant that none of the autism services have anything to offer. All the social and life skills education are for children with autism and the only services available for adults with developmental delays are for adults with an IQ of 70 or below. (p. 132)
Autistic lives do not always look the way you might expect or hope they would look but you must keep a sharp eye out for the tender flower as you travel and you must understand that Autistics often bloom in surprising and exquisite ways. Don't try to shape us to your garden or we may wilt (p. 149).
Concepts & Terminology:
Kankyo kaizen: Japanese term that means making positive changes through incremental adjustments to your environment (p. 26)
masking (p. 21)
proprioception (p. 33-34)
the problems with talk therapy (p. 87-89)
prosopagnosia (p. 124-125)
But my mind is unstrange. I am not a different species, an alien creature, a changeling, a robot, a freak of nature. I am a familiar word, pronounced with a different accent. I am your mother's favorite recipe, prepared by a stranger. I am your favorite song, recorded by a new artist. I am a human being; I am Autistic. (p. 3)
But it hurts me when someone says they want to stamp out autism because I hear that as, "we don't like your type of brain and we want to make sure no one like you is ever born again." (p. 6)
Autism is not a static condition and it is hard to see what an Autistic adult will look like by observing an Autistic child. (p.8)
... our autistic ability to really focus in deeply on things should be encouraged. Even when the interest is something unusual that seems like it's not going to have any real world application, it's better for us to be allowed to spend some time really honed in on it because these are times qhwn our brain is really developing in good ways and we are feeling happy and calm. Calm contentment can sometimes be difficult to find for Autistics, so I wish you would let us have it where we can find it sometimes, not always pushing us to try to find it where you think we are supposed to. (p. 32)
But autism has also been a source of great joy and strength for me. ... Do not pity me for living this life, the only life I know how to live. It is my life and I declare it a life worth living. It can be very difficult but everyone has struggles. These are mine. There are things about autism I would like to mitigate, but the thought of removing my autism altogether frightens me because I don't know who I would be if I had a different brain (p. 35).
... don't make the mistake of telling me, 'oh, just keep practicing and you'll get better at that.' You have no idea how much practice I have put in. You have no idea how much study and effort I have put in. You look at me and see an unpolished normal person who just needs to work a little harder. What you don't see is the amazing victories I accomplish every day. What you don't see is the way I have risen to challenge and fought the good fight and really pulled myself up by the bootstraps. Because all the work I have put in has only succeeded in making me appear flawed in your eyes instead of disabled. (p. 41)
Disability is about more than impairments or barriers to doing. Disability is about societal discrimination and barriers to being. I am not just disabled by my difficulties saying no and asking for help. I am disabled by the world around me and the expectations it puts on someone who looks like me (and writes like me!) and the attitudes it has about what I can do and what I cannot do. (p. 58)
... don't focus so much energy on making us look 'normal.' That's a waste of time. We're not 'normal' and we will never be 'normal.' We are Autistics and we are better off when you focus your energy on helping us to be the best Autistics we can be. If we look 'funny' people will learn to handle that. They will get used to that. It's more important that we feel safe, calm, happy, competent. It doesn't matter as much what we look like getting there. If we flap our hands, if we don't look people in the eye, if we communicate through typing or we speak in a monotone - it's okay. Those are not the things that matter. But I see so much focus on those things as if getting us to look right is all that's required to enact a 'cure.' (p. 63)
... the monumental effort I put forth every day to try (and fail) to look like everybody else is sapping my talents and potential. All my energy, all my intelligence, goes into looking normal. There's nothing left over to do a good job at something. When the most important thing is for me to look and sound like everybody else around me, all I have personal resources for is showing up. That's all you can get out of me. And that's not even enough for a job at McDonald's. I know. McDonald's fired me after two weeks. (p. 63)
... living with autism, diagnosed as an adult, has meant that none of the autism services have anything to offer. All the social and life skills education are for children with autism and the only services available for adults with developmental delays are for adults with an IQ of 70 or below. (p. 132)
Autistic lives do not always look the way you might expect or hope they would look but you must keep a sharp eye out for the tender flower as you travel and you must understand that Autistics often bloom in surprising and exquisite ways. Don't try to shape us to your garden or we may wilt (p. 149).
Concepts & Terminology:
Kankyo kaizen: Japanese term that means making positive changes through incremental adjustments to your environment (p. 26)
masking (p. 21)
proprioception (p. 33-34)
the problems with talk therapy (p. 87-89)
prosopagnosia (p. 124-125)
December 26, 2013
Very Enlightening. My only experience with autism is from what I've seen on TV and movies. Ms Jones does a superb job of explaining to the layman what everyone should know about people with autism. I recommend this book to all teachers so they not only have a better understanding of children in their classroom with autism, but a better understanding of how children treat each other and children of autism. It should be in every classroom around the world. I highly recommend everyone read this very enlightening and sometimes profound book.
June 17, 2016
A quick and enjoyable read. This was a series of candid biographical essays from an autistic author. Useful for getting a first-person account of an individual's attempt to understand how autism (and not knowing about her diagnosis during youth) has shaped her life experiences.
October 9, 2016
Absorbing and touching read
I found this extremely well written and hard to put down. I am also following the unstrange mind blog and look forward to hearing more from this author.
I found this extremely well written and hard to put down. I am also following the unstrange mind blog and look forward to hearing more from this author.
October 21, 2013
Honest, enlightening & sometimes painful to read, but always beautiful. I'm so glad I found this.
May 14, 2018
Really beautiful and I found it to be highly relatable. I really enjoy their writing and would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about autism.
November 18, 2023
Five stars for brutal honesty in discussing the emotional fallout of bullying and constant rejection. Five stars for gentle honesty in talking about how the adults in her life utterly failed to ease her suffering and help her understand her neurology. Five stars for concrete suggestions. Five stars for writing with vulnerability and also with a purpose and for delivering her messages with insight. Five stars for writing in a world that exposes you, but doing it anyway. Five stars for hope, which clearly Sparrow seeks to find daily.
September 22, 2019
This is basically the story of my life, too. I can't speak for how well it explains anything to NT folks, but as someone else who is #actuallyautistic I found it incredibly validating.
January 23, 2022
So beautifully written and I think an incredibly important and eye-opening read for those not regularly interacting with individuals with ASD
January 22, 2023
Brilliant! That is all.
September 22, 2022
Loved this! Honest and articulate. So many helpful insights and reminders for teachers and others to be open to neurodiverse ways of being. Thank you Max Sparrow!
July 17, 2019
4 Stars
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews