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The Dolphin Way: A Parent's Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy, and Motivated Kids--Without Turning into a Tiger
In this inspiring book, Harvard-trained child and adult psychiatrist and expert in human motivation Dr. Shimi Kang provides a guide to the art and science of inspiring children to develop their own internal drive and a lifelong love of learning. Drawing on the latest neuroscience and behavioral research, Dr. Kang shows why pushy “tiger parents” and permissive “jellyfish parents” actually hinder self-motivation. She proposes a powerful new parenting model: the intelligent, joyful, playful, highly social dolphin. Dolphin parents focus on maintaining balance in their children’s lives to gently yet authoritatively guide them toward lasting health, happiness, and success.
As the medical director for Child and Youth Mental Health community programs in Vancouver, British Columbia, Dr. Kang has witnessed firsthand the consequences of parental pressure: anxiety disorders, high stress levels, suicides, and addictions. As the mother of three children and as the daughter of immigrant parents who struggled to give their children the “best” in life—Dr. Kang’s mother could not read and her father taught her math while they drove around in his taxicab—Dr. Kang argues that often the simplest “benefits” we give our children are the most valuable. By trusting our deepest intuitions about what is best for our kids, we will in turn allow them to develop key dolphin traits to enable them to thrive in an increasingly complex world: adaptability, community-mindedness, creativity, and critical thinking.
Life is a journey through ever-changing waters, and dolphin parents know that the most valuable help we can give our children is to assist them in developing their own inner compass. Combining irrefutable science with unforgettable real-life stories, The Dolphin Way walks readers through Dr. Kang’s four-part method for cultivating self-motivation. The book makes a powerful case that we are not forced to choose between being permissive or controlling. The third option—the option that will prepare our kids for success in a future that will require adaptability—is the dolphin way.
As the medical director for Child and Youth Mental Health community programs in Vancouver, British Columbia, Dr. Kang has witnessed firsthand the consequences of parental pressure: anxiety disorders, high stress levels, suicides, and addictions. As the mother of three children and as the daughter of immigrant parents who struggled to give their children the “best” in life—Dr. Kang’s mother could not read and her father taught her math while they drove around in his taxicab—Dr. Kang argues that often the simplest “benefits” we give our children are the most valuable. By trusting our deepest intuitions about what is best for our kids, we will in turn allow them to develop key dolphin traits to enable them to thrive in an increasingly complex world: adaptability, community-mindedness, creativity, and critical thinking.
Life is a journey through ever-changing waters, and dolphin parents know that the most valuable help we can give our children is to assist them in developing their own inner compass. Combining irrefutable science with unforgettable real-life stories, The Dolphin Way walks readers through Dr. Kang’s four-part method for cultivating self-motivation. The book makes a powerful case that we are not forced to choose between being permissive or controlling. The third option—the option that will prepare our kids for success in a future that will require adaptability—is the dolphin way.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published May 1, 2014
53 people are currently reading
863 people want to read
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April 22, 2018
*Review dành cho bản dịch “Nuôi dạy con kiểu cá heo” của Nhã Nam.
Sách có khá nhiều kiến thức hay về việc nuôi dạy con, làm mình phải suy nghĩ lại về việc mình sẽ nuôi con thế nào trong tương lai.
Mặc dù mình thích những kiến thức và ví dụ trong sách nhưng mình không thích cách tác giả so sánh hai phương pháp nuôi dạy con và gọi tên chúng là phương pháp hổ và phương pháp cá heo. Mình hiểu là tác giả muốn sử dụng một hình ảnh động vật để đối với mẹ hổ - vốn là một cụm rất phổ biến để chỉ các ông bố bà mẹ chăm lo cho con quá mức mà để con mất đi sự tự do, tuy nhiên mình nghĩ tác giả chẳng cần phải viện đến con cá heo thì cũng sẽ có một cuốn sách hay.
Tự dưng dính vào cá heo thấy cuốn sách cứ bị hạ cấp đi.
Trở lại với nội dung cuốn sách, điều mình ấn tượng nhất là việc tác giả nói rằng trẻ em cần có thời gian rảnh rỗi để vui chơi một cách không định hướng, chính những lúc như thế sẽ làm các em sáng tạo hơn. Ở đây là vui chơi không định hướng tức là ngồi không không làm gì chứ không phải vui chơi theo kiểu đi học lớp nọ lớp kia, hay là chơi máy tính bảng. Ý tác giả muốn nói ở đây là trẻ em cần có những khoảng thời gian thật sự không làm gì.
Bản thân mình chưa bao giờ nghĩ tới điều này, và bản thân mình cũng chưa bao giờ trân trọng những khoảng thời gian thật sự rảnh rỗi của bản thân. Kể cả những lúc không làm gì mình cũng cố gắng để tận dụng khoảng thời gian đó để làm những việc hữu ích, kiểu như đọc, sách, truyện hay lau dọn nhà cửa gì đó. Có lẽ tại bây giờ có quá nhiều thứ làm mình phân tán tư tưởng nên chẳng bao giờ đầu óc có thể thật sự thư giãn được. Chẳng bao giờ có chuyện nằm lì trên giường một ngày chỉ để ngắm mây và nghĩ vẩn vơ.
Đây cũng là cái hay thứ hai của cuốn sách. Mặc dù đây là sách về nuôi dạy con nhưng mình lại học được rất nhiều thứ về cuộc sống của mình, đặc biệt là về việc có một cuộc sống cân bằng.
Sách có khá nhiều kiến thức hay về việc nuôi dạy con, làm mình phải suy nghĩ lại về việc mình sẽ nuôi con thế nào trong tương lai.
Mặc dù mình thích những kiến thức và ví dụ trong sách nhưng mình không thích cách tác giả so sánh hai phương pháp nuôi dạy con và gọi tên chúng là phương pháp hổ và phương pháp cá heo. Mình hiểu là tác giả muốn sử dụng một hình ảnh động vật để đối với mẹ hổ - vốn là một cụm rất phổ biến để chỉ các ông bố bà mẹ chăm lo cho con quá mức mà để con mất đi sự tự do, tuy nhiên mình nghĩ tác giả chẳng cần phải viện đến con cá heo thì cũng sẽ có một cuốn sách hay.
Tự dưng dính vào cá heo thấy cuốn sách cứ bị hạ cấp đi.
Trở lại với nội dung cuốn sách, điều mình ấn tượng nhất là việc tác giả nói rằng trẻ em cần có thời gian rảnh rỗi để vui chơi một cách không định hướng, chính những lúc như thế sẽ làm các em sáng tạo hơn. Ở đây là vui chơi không định hướng tức là ngồi không không làm gì chứ không phải vui chơi theo kiểu đi học lớp nọ lớp kia, hay là chơi máy tính bảng. Ý tác giả muốn nói ở đây là trẻ em cần có những khoảng thời gian thật sự không làm gì.
Bản thân mình chưa bao giờ nghĩ tới điều này, và bản thân mình cũng chưa bao giờ trân trọng những khoảng thời gian thật sự rảnh rỗi của bản thân. Kể cả những lúc không làm gì mình cũng cố gắng để tận dụng khoảng thời gian đó để làm những việc hữu ích, kiểu như đọc, sách, truyện hay lau dọn nhà cửa gì đó. Có lẽ tại bây giờ có quá nhiều thứ làm mình phân tán tư tưởng nên chẳng bao giờ đầu óc có thể thật sự thư giãn được. Chẳng bao giờ có chuyện nằm lì trên giường một ngày chỉ để ngắm mây và nghĩ vẩn vơ.
Đây cũng là cái hay thứ hai của cuốn sách. Mặc dù đây là sách về nuôi dạy con nhưng mình lại học được rất nhiều thứ về cuộc sống của mình, đặc biệt là về việc có một cuộc sống cân bằng.
April 11, 2014
In her book, Kang offers sound research and examples from her own life or practice as medical director for Child and Youth Mental Health for Vancouver to support her idea that parents need to be more like dolphins.
Kang says, “The dolphin parenting model is about guiding rather than directing, encouraging rather than instructing and teaching by example.” Further, she says that the “dolphin way of life is about emphasizing the importance of play, exploration, social bonds, altruism, contribution and family and community values.”
Whatever we do with our children, we need to make sure that it incorporates a cognitive quotient, or CQ for short. These four skills are going to be essential for the future success of our children. They include:
- Creativity
- Critical Thinking
- Communication
- Collaboration
To help develop this CQ, children need lots of time to play (like dolphins), to explore and to investigate. In a world where children are highly structured and over-programmed they are often left with little or no down or free time.
The Dolphin way recommends that parents stop overgathering for their kids. Which means, don’t sign them up for every activity.
I know that this is a conversation that my friends and I have every September: What activities are we signing are kids up for? It is a constant worrisome feeling, wondering if you are putting them in too many activities, but if you don’t, will they be the only child who can’t skate or isn’t playing hockey? Don’t they need to be well-rounded?
The Dolphin Way offers great advice on this common parenting dilemma to help you make the decision. In fact, we used the advice just this week when our oldest son wanted to sign up for a robotics club. I worried that it was just one too many activities for him, despite the fact that I knew he would love the challenge of it. Looking over the club’s description, I knew it offered so many of the important CQ skills: creativity, critical thinking and collaboration. We are going to give the robotics club a try!
Dr. Kang is a big proponent for free-time for kids that does not involve screen time. For me, I know it is so tempting to let the kids play on the computer to get some work done (which is what they are doing now!), but kids need to learn how to play. This is one aspect that I thought The Dolphin Way should have covered: how do you go about getting your kids to play? Some will instantly find an activity, but to some this is a foreign concept.
If you are looking for a new take on parenting that doesn’t involve adding more things to do, or feeling guilty about what you are doing, then definitely check out The Dolphin Way by Shimi Kang. It will inspire you to play more, re-balance yourself, and become a better parent and role-model for your children. They will thank you for it!
Kang says, “The dolphin parenting model is about guiding rather than directing, encouraging rather than instructing and teaching by example.” Further, she says that the “dolphin way of life is about emphasizing the importance of play, exploration, social bonds, altruism, contribution and family and community values.”
Whatever we do with our children, we need to make sure that it incorporates a cognitive quotient, or CQ for short. These four skills are going to be essential for the future success of our children. They include:
- Creativity
- Critical Thinking
- Communication
- Collaboration
To help develop this CQ, children need lots of time to play (like dolphins), to explore and to investigate. In a world where children are highly structured and over-programmed they are often left with little or no down or free time.
The Dolphin way recommends that parents stop overgathering for their kids. Which means, don’t sign them up for every activity.
I know that this is a conversation that my friends and I have every September: What activities are we signing are kids up for? It is a constant worrisome feeling, wondering if you are putting them in too many activities, but if you don’t, will they be the only child who can’t skate or isn’t playing hockey? Don’t they need to be well-rounded?
The Dolphin Way offers great advice on this common parenting dilemma to help you make the decision. In fact, we used the advice just this week when our oldest son wanted to sign up for a robotics club. I worried that it was just one too many activities for him, despite the fact that I knew he would love the challenge of it. Looking over the club’s description, I knew it offered so many of the important CQ skills: creativity, critical thinking and collaboration. We are going to give the robotics club a try!
Dr. Kang is a big proponent for free-time for kids that does not involve screen time. For me, I know it is so tempting to let the kids play on the computer to get some work done (which is what they are doing now!), but kids need to learn how to play. This is one aspect that I thought The Dolphin Way should have covered: how do you go about getting your kids to play? Some will instantly find an activity, but to some this is a foreign concept.
If you are looking for a new take on parenting that doesn’t involve adding more things to do, or feeling guilty about what you are doing, then definitely check out The Dolphin Way by Shimi Kang. It will inspire you to play more, re-balance yourself, and become a better parent and role-model for your children. They will thank you for it!
July 24, 2018
At the outset, I found that all the principles and the method advocated in this book aren't new or groundbreaking. I grew up in an environment where this was the only way to bring up children. The book is a good compilation of these values put in an engaging manner, but it's nothing I didn't already know. I’ve always believed that children should be allowed to think for themselves, with parents acting as guides. Therefore, Dr. Kang’s book is merely a reinforcement of my existing beliefs.
Secondly, I feel the case studies are the most interesting portions of the text, but there are long gaps between case studies where I would lose interest and not absorb the material. However, I did like the easy flow of the writing.
If you feel your child is unhappy with academic or other pressures and seems ill-adjusted in life, this book will show you an easy solution. I can’t say if the method works in making your children healthy, happy and self-motivated, but the book certainly makes for an interesting and educational read.
For an in-depth review check out my blog at nooranandchawla.com
Secondly, I feel the case studies are the most interesting portions of the text, but there are long gaps between case studies where I would lose interest and not absorb the material. However, I did like the easy flow of the writing.
If you feel your child is unhappy with academic or other pressures and seems ill-adjusted in life, this book will show you an easy solution. I can’t say if the method works in making your children healthy, happy and self-motivated, but the book certainly makes for an interesting and educational read.
For an in-depth review check out my blog at nooranandchawla.com
March 1, 2025
Zu platt, die Beispiele machen es sich viel zu einfach und nicht zuletzt ist es schlecht übersetzt. Würde denken, das funktioniert im Englischen besser.
Nichtsdestotrotz klingt der Ansatz nicht verkehrt und man kann sich das ein oder andere mitnehmen. Es steht aber auch nichts an Ratschlägen drin, auf die man nicht selber kommt.
Nichtsdestotrotz klingt der Ansatz nicht verkehrt und man kann sich das ein oder andere mitnehmen. Es steht aber auch nichts an Ratschlägen drin, auf die man nicht selber kommt.
April 21, 2014
Full review to come...Not your typical parenting book by any means– The Dolphin Way reads more like a study in psychology with tips and tricks than your every-day-run-of-the-mill “self-help book”. While some of her advice and focus is more applicable to different age groups than where I am as a parent at the moment (a toddler and one in-utero vs. school-aged kids), much of Kang’s insight and guidance is fascinating and really “clicks” for every day behaviours and habits.
Kang reminds us that we all know the secret to parenting. There is no one way to parent properly, but we have to listen to our intuition rather than forcing a “right way” on ourselves and our kids because that’s what everyone else is doing. We need to remember to act not out of fear and the need to control, but rather based on guidance and showing our kids what they need to “figure it out”. If you’ve ever taken a basic psych course and learned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, that’s what we’re talking about here: self-motivation and self-actualization for vitality.
If you’re looking for a new perspective on parenting that serves as more of a reminder than of a to-do list that makes you feel guilty about your parenting, then I highly recommend this book.
Note: I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and honest review.
You can read my whole review and enter to win a giveaway copy on my blog: http://www.adventuresofmamakujo.com/a...
Kang reminds us that we all know the secret to parenting. There is no one way to parent properly, but we have to listen to our intuition rather than forcing a “right way” on ourselves and our kids because that’s what everyone else is doing. We need to remember to act not out of fear and the need to control, but rather based on guidance and showing our kids what they need to “figure it out”. If you’ve ever taken a basic psych course and learned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, that’s what we’re talking about here: self-motivation and self-actualization for vitality.
If you’re looking for a new perspective on parenting that serves as more of a reminder than of a to-do list that makes you feel guilty about your parenting, then I highly recommend this book.
Note: I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and honest review.
You can read my whole review and enter to win a giveaway copy on my blog: http://www.adventuresofmamakujo.com/a...
August 26, 2014
I liked this book much more than I thought I would. The author is a Canadian psychiatrist, daughter of Indian immigrants. Her mother was illiterate, her father a cab driver. This book questions the methods of "tiger" parenting (which, as she rightly asserts, is not limited to Asian parents, nor are all Asian parents "tigers.")
We are urged to emulate the best characteristics of dolphins: to be playful, creative, sociable,caring, and to value the process as much as the end results. Dr. Kang cites the example of the Finns, who appear near the top of the world education "Top 10."
However, this does not mean being a pushover. Dr. Kang suggests the acronym K-E-Y-S when dealing with children. K=kill your inner tiger. E=empathize. Parents are not perfect, and it doesn't hurt to admit this fact. Y= "y"our child's goals and dreams are not necessarily your own. You may even succeed in making your child a great pianist, but this may not be his/her BEST self. S=succeed. Be confident that your child is not a fragile teacup; he or she can succeed.
A very wise book, well worth reading.
We are urged to emulate the best characteristics of dolphins: to be playful, creative, sociable,caring, and to value the process as much as the end results. Dr. Kang cites the example of the Finns, who appear near the top of the world education "Top 10."
However, this does not mean being a pushover. Dr. Kang suggests the acronym K-E-Y-S when dealing with children. K=kill your inner tiger. E=empathize. Parents are not perfect, and it doesn't hurt to admit this fact. Y= "y"our child's goals and dreams are not necessarily your own. You may even succeed in making your child a great pianist, but this may not be his/her BEST self. S=succeed. Be confident that your child is not a fragile teacup; he or she can succeed.
A very wise book, well worth reading.
July 21, 2014
As I read, I found myself saying to myself (in my head) that's me or that's what I want to do.
The book is full of great stories to make you think about how you parent and had me thinking of ways I want to change. Throughout I was reminded of both my childhood and how I parent. The beauty of this book is Dr. Kang provides prescriptions on what you can do.
A couple of my favorites included:
Playing with Lego
Change the Speaking/Listening Ratio
Ask Permission Before Giving Advice
A major learning for me was the idea of structure both the good and the bad. I have made a few adjustments as a result if this book and am on the right road to raising "Health, Happy and Motivated Kids" thanks to this book.
The book is full of great stories to make you think about how you parent and had me thinking of ways I want to change. Throughout I was reminded of both my childhood and how I parent. The beauty of this book is Dr. Kang provides prescriptions on what you can do.
A couple of my favorites included:
Playing with Lego
Change the Speaking/Listening Ratio
Ask Permission Before Giving Advice
A major learning for me was the idea of structure both the good and the bad. I have made a few adjustments as a result if this book and am on the right road to raising "Health, Happy and Motivated Kids" thanks to this book.
March 31, 2015
A great book. Lots of interesting information.
As a whole, it reminded me of a response paper to the Tiger parenting approach. The first part is about why tiger parenting is not a good approach, and the second half is about how to be a dolphin parent and why is is a good approach.
I really liked the fact that there was a significant portion dedicated to parenting teens, which I find is often lacking in parenting books (unless they are targeting teens).
As a whole, it reminded me of a response paper to the Tiger parenting approach. The first part is about why tiger parenting is not a good approach, and the second half is about how to be a dolphin parent and why is is a good approach.
I really liked the fact that there was a significant portion dedicated to parenting teens, which I find is often lacking in parenting books (unless they are targeting teens).
August 18, 2014
A great book about a healthy way of raising kids not to be stressed and overworked. The author suggests that so many kids today are overworked and so busy that they aren't learning valuable skills that will be necessary in life.
December 19, 2014
The first few chapters were good, but the remainder of book was repetitive and failed to cite much new research. The dolphin analogy started to grate on me after a while. Most animals "raise" their children to be independent, and successful, not just dolphins.
March 6, 2015
I generally did not disagree with what she was saying, but I ended up skimming most of the book.
October 2, 2015
Основным советом здесь становится успокоиться и прекратить тревожиться. Почти нет ощущения, что человек из Нью-Йорка советует человеку из Магадана выйти из зоны комфорта.
December 21, 2018
Amy Chua in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother made famous authoritarian parenting style (no play dates, few choices, no bathroom breaks during piano lessons, A's are the only acceptable grades). And both her kids went to Yale on music scholarships I believe.
Around the world we are seeing a rise in children suffering from stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and depression. Kids are being overscheduled, overinstructed, and overdirected. Kang argues that there is a better way to parent...what she calls the Dolphin Way.
Kang argues that neither tiger parents (pushy, hovering) or snowplow parenting (those that solve all kids problems with emails to teachers, talks with other parents) or jellyfish parents (overly permissive) works. Kang wants you to be a dolphin parent--intelligent, playful, highly social, gentle, yet authoritative (not authoritarian), guiding towards balance, happiness, and success. Just like a dolphin!
You can be a dolphin parent and have a smart and happy child, competitive and principled, practical and passionate, skilled and grounded, safe and independent, persistent and innovative, and ambitious and altruistic. The key ingredients are creativity, critical thinking, ability to adapt, and strong social skills. Kang encourages parents to cut down on excessive extracurricular activities, let kids solve their own problems, and for goodness sakes don't finish their lego project for them.
4 stars. Dolphin parent is a good idea..maybe better than my favorite (the free range parent).
Around the world we are seeing a rise in children suffering from stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and depression. Kids are being overscheduled, overinstructed, and overdirected. Kang argues that there is a better way to parent...what she calls the Dolphin Way.
Kang argues that neither tiger parents (pushy, hovering) or snowplow parenting (those that solve all kids problems with emails to teachers, talks with other parents) or jellyfish parents (overly permissive) works. Kang wants you to be a dolphin parent--intelligent, playful, highly social, gentle, yet authoritative (not authoritarian), guiding towards balance, happiness, and success. Just like a dolphin!
You can be a dolphin parent and have a smart and happy child, competitive and principled, practical and passionate, skilled and grounded, safe and independent, persistent and innovative, and ambitious and altruistic. The key ingredients are creativity, critical thinking, ability to adapt, and strong social skills. Kang encourages parents to cut down on excessive extracurricular activities, let kids solve their own problems, and for goodness sakes don't finish their lego project for them.
4 stars. Dolphin parent is a good idea..maybe better than my favorite (the free range parent).
January 24, 2019
Entgegen meiner Antipathie gegenüber Erziehungsratgebern entschied ich mich für dieses Buch. Und es ist kein typischer Erziehungsratgeber, vielmehr eine wirklich inspirierende Sammlung von Beobachtungen (der Autorin als Mutter, Person und arbeitendem Mitglied in dieser Gesellschaft), anregenden Geschichten (aus dem Berufsalltag der Autorin als Kinder- und Jugendpsychologin), Resultaten aus breiten, jahrelangen Studien und wohl formulierten Schlussfolgerungen für ein gesundes und ausgewogenes Leben - nicht nur als Elternteil, sondern vor allem auch als Mensch. An vielen Stellen des Buches erkennt man sich erschreckend gut wieder. Oft aber auch seine Ziele und Absichten, und für die Umsetzung dieser gibt Kang viele nachvollziehbare und vor allen Dingen umsetzbare Anregungen. Mir beschaffte die Lektüre zahllose Aha-Effekte, darüber hinaus aber auch ein kurzweiliges Lesevergnügen.
August 8, 2019
Cuốn sách này viết theo kiểu lý thuyết làm mình đọc đôi lúc bị chán, tuy nhiên mang đến quan điểm giáo dục con trẻ theo mình rất hay, thuận theo tự nhiên, khuyến khích vui chơi tự do theo quan điểm của mình từ trước đến nay. Cuốn sách cũng mang đến những điều mới mẻ như dành cho con những khoảng thời gian ko làm gì, hay cách thức phát triển CQ qua các trò chơi.
Mình nhận thấy có cơ hội đọc được cuốn sách này là một may mắn :)
Mình nhận thấy có cơ hội đọc được cuốn sách này là một may mắn :)
April 8, 2025
I really strive to be the type of parent she describes in this book. “Dolphin” parents guide their kids into being the kind of people I want my kids to be. She gives a lot of examples of kids she’s worked with, and many examples of conversations to help guide the readers conversations with their own kids. I think I would like to have a physical copy in order to use it more as a reference, I found it quite repetitive.
November 19, 2021
Nothing super radical but a way of framing the style of parenting that I want to work towards - one that is not guided by fears and keeping up impressions and meeting societal standards but one that focuses on what is important, on health and happiness and connecting to our kids and also our own real deep desires and intuition.
i also like the authors approach to motivation
i also like the authors approach to motivation
December 22, 2024
Dr. Kang rebrands authoritative parenting as dolphin parenting so she can frame it as the opposite of tiger parenting in her book. Kang discusses the detriments of tiger parenting and why parents should instead want to be her created term of dolphin(authoritative) parents.
December 21, 2018
I enjoyed this one - would definitely want to read again later on when kids are school-age
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September 30, 2021Not for me. Just talks about tiger parents for the first 35 % of book I quit reading
December 28, 2021
Ideas were good - not blow your mind original but good. However, It felt dated as we round out year two of pandemic parenting though.
August 27, 2023
I love this book, it will calm your nerves down about your kids and increase your bonding capabilities with them. Having strong loving supportive parents is what makes your kids shine.
August 14, 2025
Condescending boomer tone. Not sure who this book is for. Repetitive. Some limited value. Any doctor worth their salt would not see a chiropractor.
June 24, 2015
The dolphin way encourages parents to acknowledge that their children control and are responsible for their own thoughts, actions, mind and body. It is the parents role to be supportive guides. The dolphin way is community-based with other adults also supporting the growth and independence of youth, in contrast to the tiger way of parenting, which is viewed more as a competitive arena with limited resources, leading to fighting for the scarce options and seeking to obtain the best for one's own offspring without regards to the welfare of others. The dolphin way is more altruistic and collaborative.
The goals of the parents in raising their young are to be more of a guide than a director, and to teach by example. Emphasis is placed on play, exploration, social bonds, altruism, contribution, and family & community values. It is not about overprotecting and overcompeting. Activities that bring balance to one's life include playing freely, exploring bravely, bonding socially, and contributing wholeheartedly. This is not only what will bring joy and peace to one's personal life for healthy emotional well-being, bio it it is also what companies are looking for in their employees. Strong test scores and a list of accomplishments are not helping the companies grown and be innovative in today's increasingly globally connected, high technology society. Self-motivated and self-reliant individuals are happier, healthier, and more successful.
The author coins a term, CQ, or the complete quotient, which embraces core skills for the 21st century. These include creativity, critical thinking, communication, and collaboration. Children who have not had a lot of free time to play and have been brought up in a highly structured environment do not have these skills as well developed as those who were given more freedom to explore and make their own mistakes...just being outside playing with the neighbors better develops these skills compared to being on a sports team that is coach-led.
Real world learning includes trial and error and failure and from this one can work to overcome a challenge and find much joy in that process, while learning a powerful skill: adaptation. People want autonomy, mastery, and success. Self-motivation is fueled by this as well as the ability to adapt to life's ups and downs and a sense of internal control. People want to direct their own lives.
Key action steps for parents:
Empathize (I know it is easier if I tell you how to do this)
Identify goals (but that's not going to help your independence).
Support success (I'm sure you'll figure this out if you spend a few more minutes trying to figure this out on your own).
When the parent expresses empathy and identifies the connection between behavior and goals, the parent is guiding the child to solve his or her own problems. It is a more effective lesson when the child draws the conclusion and says it aloud rather than hearing it from the parent because the neurons synapse more around words we say than words we hear. Also, parents who want their children to be happy must make happiness a priority for themselves. This is the first step in moving towards a balanced life. And good decisions come more easily and naturally if you balance and integrate all parts of the body and brain to focus on intuition.
"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." -Albert Einstein
The goals of the parents in raising their young are to be more of a guide than a director, and to teach by example. Emphasis is placed on play, exploration, social bonds, altruism, contribution, and family & community values. It is not about overprotecting and overcompeting. Activities that bring balance to one's life include playing freely, exploring bravely, bonding socially, and contributing wholeheartedly. This is not only what will bring joy and peace to one's personal life for healthy emotional well-being, bio it it is also what companies are looking for in their employees. Strong test scores and a list of accomplishments are not helping the companies grown and be innovative in today's increasingly globally connected, high technology society. Self-motivated and self-reliant individuals are happier, healthier, and more successful.
The author coins a term, CQ, or the complete quotient, which embraces core skills for the 21st century. These include creativity, critical thinking, communication, and collaboration. Children who have not had a lot of free time to play and have been brought up in a highly structured environment do not have these skills as well developed as those who were given more freedom to explore and make their own mistakes...just being outside playing with the neighbors better develops these skills compared to being on a sports team that is coach-led.
Real world learning includes trial and error and failure and from this one can work to overcome a challenge and find much joy in that process, while learning a powerful skill: adaptation. People want autonomy, mastery, and success. Self-motivation is fueled by this as well as the ability to adapt to life's ups and downs and a sense of internal control. People want to direct their own lives.
Key action steps for parents:
Empathize (I know it is easier if I tell you how to do this)
Identify goals (but that's not going to help your independence).
Support success (I'm sure you'll figure this out if you spend a few more minutes trying to figure this out on your own).
When the parent expresses empathy and identifies the connection between behavior and goals, the parent is guiding the child to solve his or her own problems. It is a more effective lesson when the child draws the conclusion and says it aloud rather than hearing it from the parent because the neurons synapse more around words we say than words we hear. Also, parents who want their children to be happy must make happiness a priority for themselves. This is the first step in moving towards a balanced life. And good decisions come more easily and naturally if you balance and integrate all parts of the body and brain to focus on intuition.
"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." -Albert Einstein
July 10, 2014
This book has answered a lot of questions for me. Such as what are the outcomes and effects of tiger parenting versus a more nurturing (but less acceptable and less controlling) parenting style. I have always known which parent I'd like to be but truthfully was not sure which style was more productive and successful as well as happier.
Apparently the dolphin way--a lot less pushing and more embracing of fun and true purpose in life is way better overall even in terms of adult success. The statistics on adult unhappiness, depression, and lack of purpose (despite a good salary) caused by tiger parenting are awful. Just think of Tiger Woods or Michael Phelps' drug addictions and plenty more examples of what pressure and success does to a young person.
The author addresses the reality of how uncomfortable it is to go against the views of society (more and more independent, predator and competitive tiger and less social, cooperative, and playful dolphin style). I really appreciate that empathy. Whereas I am far from a perfect parent, I value my relationship with my child and his happiness more than his success. In that order. But ironically because of that order he is more likely to be happy and successful. This book is helping my somewhat competitive and control issues keep tamped down a little and is giving me permission to cut out some scheduled activities (sports, music lessons, educational opportunities) that are actually doing more harm than good.
Apparently the dolphin way--a lot less pushing and more embracing of fun and true purpose in life is way better overall even in terms of adult success. The statistics on adult unhappiness, depression, and lack of purpose (despite a good salary) caused by tiger parenting are awful. Just think of Tiger Woods or Michael Phelps' drug addictions and plenty more examples of what pressure and success does to a young person.
The author addresses the reality of how uncomfortable it is to go against the views of society (more and more independent, predator and competitive tiger and less social, cooperative, and playful dolphin style). I really appreciate that empathy. Whereas I am far from a perfect parent, I value my relationship with my child and his happiness more than his success. In that order. But ironically because of that order he is more likely to be happy and successful. This book is helping my somewhat competitive and control issues keep tamped down a little and is giving me permission to cut out some scheduled activities (sports, music lessons, educational opportunities) that are actually doing more harm than good.
October 9, 2015
Found this book very interesting & enjoyable to read. It helped me realize its ok that I don't have to put my kids into programs or events like other parents do. I have 3 kids & was trying to balance working full time as well as putting the kids in activities like all of our peers. After learning to listen to what they really want to do, I found they were just as happy going for a walk or hike at the end of the day opposed to being rushed off to soccer or gymnastics. A lot of points in this book seem to be right in front of us but it helps bring to light of going back to trusting your own intuitions & just letting kids being creative & helping guide them rather than instruct them in their learning. I had a lot of "oh yeah, never thought of that" moments when thinking about situations in this book, definately recommend any parent reading even if just to remind you its the tiny things that matter & bring the most happiness.
August 22, 2016
I was looking for something to justify "quitting" one of my son's activities. Essentially this is a book about balance, and supporting your child to become independent and happy. It's on par with other parenting books I've read this year like, "How to Raise Adults", but the part I found fascinating was the anecdotals the author offers with her patients versus their parents' perspectives. My take away is to work with my children to take ownership of their decisions, help guide them to understand the choices, and to be okay with what they decide. The statistical information about "Tiger Cubs" was also very interesting as well in terms of the long term depression they might face for being driven too hard too soon.
August 13, 2014
An illuminating read on the challenges of parenting in the twenty-first century, the limits of the "tiger" model (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Model by Amy Chua), and the opportunities offered by a parenting style inspired to one of the most wonderfully adaptable, self-reliant and socially connected creatures on earth..."Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better."- Albert Einstein
Full review available on MINA'S BOOKSHELF http://minadecaro.blogspot.com/2014/0...
Full review available on MINA'S BOOKSHELF http://minadecaro.blogspot.com/2014/0...
May 25, 2016
This book was super easy to read and filled with very interesting little facts. The author is a psychiatrist who specializes in human motivation. I definitely recommend this book for all parents because I am convinced (as is the author) that if we parented the way she does, we would have happier children with fewer mental health issues. Unfortunately, even though I totally subscribe to her philosophy, it is hard not to get caught up in 'the activity trap,' and not allow our children as much unstructured play time as they should have.
August 13, 2014
I've read many parenting books and felt that Dr. Kang's perspective brought new insights to parenting in a 21st century world. My only wish was that Dr. Kang had written the book as a practicing clinician giving parenting advice versus using the dolphin vs. tiger metaphor. I enjoyed her clinical vignettes and personal stories but was annoyed by the continuing dolphin theme. Once I got over this, the content was worth the read.
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