No Man's War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife

by Angela Ricketts

Raised as an Army brat, Angie Ricketts thought she knew what she was in for when she eloped with Darrin—then an infantry lieutenant—on the eve of his deployment to Somalia. Since that time, Darrin, now a colonel, has been deployed eight times, serving four tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. And Ricketts, has lived every one of those deployments intimately—distant enough to survive the years spent apart from her husband, but close enough to share a common purpose and a lifestyle they both love.

With humor, candor, and a brazen attitude, Ricketts pulls back the curtain on a subculture many readers know, but few ever will experience. Counter to the dramatized snap shot seen on Lifetime’s Army Wives, Ricketts digs into the personalities and posturing that officers’ wives must survive daily—whether navigating a social event on post, suffering through a husband’s prolonged deployment or reacting to a close friend’s death in combat.

At its core, No Man’s War is a story of sisterhood and survival. As Ricketts states: “We tread those treacherous waters together. Do we sometimes shove each other’s heads under water for a few seconds? Maybe even on purpose? Of course. Are we sometimes dragged underwater ourselves by the undertow created by all of us struggling together too closely? Without a doubt. But we never let each other drown. Our buoyancy is our survival.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Military Fiction, Book Club

320 pages, Hardcover

First published June 16, 2014

About the author

Angie Ricketts holds a master's degree in Social Psychology/Human Relations and an undergraduate degree in Sociology. She worked part-time for the American Red Cross in Germany in the 1990's but since then her formal education has been used to navigate the politics and personalities that come with being an officer's wife. Her husband remains on active duty but transitioned to Homeland Defense in 2012. She lives in Colorado Springs, CO with her husband and three children.

Angie spent her childhood lost in Judy Blume books, imagining how cool it would be to be a writer someday.

Reviews

[Kate Gukeisen]

No Man's War, according to publisher Counterpoint Press, is "a story of sisterhood and survival." It is a frank memoir in which infantry wife Angela Ricketts "pulls back the curtain" to present an intimate view of how more than a decade of war has affected her, her family, and her friendships. While I do not know Mrs. Ricketts, I feel it is important to disclose that as fellow senior infantry spouses, she and I share a common cast of characters, as well as some common geography and experiences.

The non-linear approach of this memoir elevates the book from a mere recounting of the drudgery and stress of continued deployments to a story in which readers have the potential to become personally invested. Ricketts writes with honesty and tenderness about her children and her marriage, and with brashness about her experiences as a military spouse. The author's voice is clear and bold, and she presents her story with a dark humor that will appeal to some readers as delightfully snarky and repel others as unnecessarily mean. This book suffers from the editorial choice to swing away from Ricketts' introspection in the few chapters that focus on the author's dislike of particular characters. In these cases, the author (or perhaps the editor) seems so invested in demonstrating the irreverent, pull-no-punches attitude of the book that the story loses steam. This is especially unfortunate because there are moments in this memoir where Ricketts nails the tricky balance between cringe-worthy and laugh-out-loud funny.

The brief passages about sisterhood at the end of the book are poignant, but seemed misaligned with many of the author's comments, observations, and actions throughout the rest of the book. I did not find the powerful message of sisterhood in this book that some reviewers have. The passages about sisterhood felt to this reader like a last-minute editorial substitution (or change in focus) in what is otherwise a raw, and intimate, look at one woman's struggle as she fights for identity, normalcy, and her marriage under the extraordinary, ongoing pressure the last thirteen years of war has placed on military families.

I would not recommend this book as "a story of sisterhood," but it will be an interesting read for anyone who wants to explore military spouse subculture through the lens of one woman's frank telling of her experiences.

[Missy]

As a fellow Infantry wife, I was curious enough to read this book. I recognize many things that the author and I share - complicated emotions from deployments and reunions, convoluted interactions with other wives, and knowledge of the many Army acronyms and phrases. Unfortunately, these commonalities were overshadowed by the "irreverence." Friends, please be aware that each wife has a different experience, and just because I am proud of my husband, it does not mean that I am "drinking the Kook-Aid." I was offended by the term of endearment used for senior wives. I also disagree with the idea that our contributions are meaningless to the Army as a whole. If we can prevent even one wife from making the same mistakes that we did as "green, young" wives, then we have succeeded. The author's examples of toxic relationships seemed to outnumber and overshadow those great sisterhood relationships that are so treasured. I guess I choose to value the great friendships that I have made, and learn what not to do from the bad ones. Eight years at one Army post is not the norm either. I would say that my experiences have been vastly different from that of the author. Happily so, I guess.

[Julie]

I'm not a big fan of writing book reviews, mainly because I have found myself steering clear of certain books because of negative reviews, only to find later on that it was a book I really liked. So, in my true fashion, I rate a book with stars and leave it at that. This book was different for me, though, hence the review. I am an Army spouse but not an Infantry spouse, and wondered how much I would relate to Ricketts' story. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it would be very "Army Wives" (tv show) which was more amusing than honest. But no. Once I picked this book up, I couldn't put it down. So much of it was very relatable in my own life. Infantry spouse or not, what Ricketts writes about is spot on in military life. So much of what she writes is something we've all been through before.

Gut-wrenching at times, heart-wrenching at times, I think all Army spouses could see themselves in her shoes. I can't remember the last time I cried like a baby and then laughing my head off in the same book. I remember sitting at the kitchen table, telling--or should I say "trying to tell"--my husband and mom about the part of the book where Ricketts is closed off in another bedroom of her home to take a call from her deployed husband, to then hear about a friend being killed. I could barely get the words out, it was so emotional and so raw. I found myself fanning my eyes to try to stop the tears.

I can't say enough great things about this book. It is fantastic. And I highly recommend it to anyone--not just Army spouses--but anyone who wants a glimpse into what real-life Army is all about. Anxiously awaiting the second book from this highly talented author!

[Mary Ward]

I haven't felt compelled to stay up all night reading in a long time. Tonight I did. I had to see what an Army sister had to say about Army wife life. Wow!!! Angela Ricketts' story, No Man's War, isn't exactly my Army brat/Army wife life; however, her experiences and stories resonate with me because I live in Army world and parts of it are common to us all whether infantry or not. Separations, deployments, personalities, and hardships have always been the norm. Angela's self-professed irreverent take on Army life is fresh and honest. She shares real, raw emotions and a vulnerability that I would be too Army Strong to admit. She says things in this book that many of us may have wanted to say out loud but felt compelled to stifle. She did subtitle it "irreverent confessions!" I confess I enjoyed them...shocking though some were. I do disagree with Angela's statement: "My importance to the greater machine is meaningless; it goes right along with or without me. The army machine doesn't care about any one individual." I really and truly just don't believe that. Too many years of pouring Army "Kool-Aid" as Angela calls it? Or watching my own daughter doing her part now as an Air Force spouse of the next generation? Teaching her own fellow spouses what buoyancy is during their very tough times...death of a child, plane crashes, lengthy separations, fertility issues, and pregnancies. Things that she learned from our Army family dealing with deployment, death, and caring for others, giving back.

I do agree with this beautiful statement: "Above everything else, beyond the long hardships, one outcome is the most invaluable. The sisterhoods. The lifelong friends and bonds that will never lessen. Years can go by, and I will pick up with each of those sisters as if a single day hasn't passed." I experienced this with an Army sister I hadn't seen in five years...told her that hugging her was "home." My daughter has this in the fierce four as I call her and her AF sisters. The sisterhood theme permeates No Man's War.

I wish my own Army wife mom was still around to read this with. I wonder what she would say? Possibly...

"The deepest meaning is in the sisterhood, how we kept each other from drowning."

[Beth Watkins]

This book got me through the plane ride as we PCS'd from Germany to Carlisle, PA. I read this book too quickly the first time, and didn't absorb a lot of it. Some parts made me feel so uncomfortable that I had to flip through the pages as quickly as possible; I didn't want to dig up my own old memories and experiences which are safely buried in my subconscious for good reason. This book makes it hard to keep them there. I had to go back and reread it when I was ready to deal with those feelings (and not on an airplane surrounded by strangers.) I can't imagine putting myself out there the way the author did (very brave of her) and sharing my personal story the way she has. I hope that some day I get to be in a book club with other Army spouses who want to discuss this book. There is so much worth discussing.

I think I read somewhere that the author did not write this book for other Army spouses, but rather to give a glimpse into the lifestyle for those who are unfamiliar with it. Of course, I am an Army spouse, and my opinion and connection with this book is rooted in that fact. I get it. Whether you like it or not, this is real; a story told in her own voice of dark humor and honesty.

[Jenica]

Eeehhh...

My mother in law, a longtime army wife herself, lent me this book. She actually knew the author for a short time (though not intimately, or she might have been a target of Ms. Ricketts "irreverence") and, since I'm now the family's next generation of army wife, thought I'd be interested in learning about the, um... shall we say more "dramatic" side of military spouse culture.

All I can say is that I hate gossip, I hate people who "tell it how it is", I loathe binge-drinking melodrama, and this is exactly why. I couldn't find myself hating the author though. I'm still new to this whole army culture thing (but have every intention of keeping my lips firmly closed against the Kool-Aid) so I can't speak from experience. I haven't gone through what she or my mother in law did during their husbands long deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan. What I see, though, is a deeply unhappy woman who went through hell, and I respect her "buoyancy", but pity her for her attitude towards the majority of her "sisters", and her children for having BOTH their parents absent, whether physically or emotionally.

[Lindsey]

Like reading the diary of a particularly petulant, nasty teenager.

Poorly written and disorganized. Ricketts seems to go out of her way to rail against people she hates. Often these tirades do nothing to advance the story, and the reasons why these people are (supposedly) awful are so vague that I can't buy into her anger. Instead, she just sounds malicious. Ricketts spends too much time on her personal vendettas, and not nearly enough on what I was hoping the book would be about: the personal experiences of her and her family.

[Kathleen Cochran]

From one Army wife to another

Roger that. So much of this book could have been about any generation of Army wives. But this country asked an incredible amount for a ridiculous period of time from your generation. A relatively small group of women bore the burden of our longest, most demanding war(s). I've often said that we can never say thank you enough,but after reading this book, I also think we should be ashamed that we put our 1 percent who served this last decade and a half through so much.

[Gina]

We've all written an email or letter or facebook post when we've been mad or upset. Then, just before sending a moment of clarity and common sense kicks in and we delete it. This book reads like one of those - the email that should have been deleted - the long, winding, unorganized, rambling journal entry that should have remained private only to be embarrassingly laughed at later. At times I enjoyed reading about someone's train wreck but by the end was left feeling drained and sad. I propose this book says a lot more about the author than about the people of whom she writes.

As a fellow military spouse (not Army), the scenarios depicted in this book are so far outside my spouse experience as to be unrecognizable. The one thing I think she depicts accurately is the emotional toll of deployments. The worst part of any deployment is the month before they leave and the month after they return. Truth. Otherwise, this book describes a world of backbiting, excessive drinking, wearing your husband's rank, gossip, and 1950's era wife expectations that we as spouses are often told still exist but rarely if ever see in the wild.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this book is. If it is to make military spouses out to be horrible caricatures - the "dependas" pop cluture has labeled us as - then success. The author herself refers to officer spouses, of which she is one, collectively as "perfumed turds" for the majority of the book. If you are looking for books into the life of military families or about military spouses, then please look elsewhere.

[Theresa Alan]

I enjoyed this book. It offers intriguing insight into a life very different from mine, and I think that’s often the point of reading—to get a peek at worlds unlike your own. Angela is honest and doesn’t sugarcoat anything, which is what makes this such a good book. The dialogue sometimes sounded stilted and I couldn’t quite hear those voices speaking, but all the other aspects of the book really rang true for me. I didn’t grow up in a military family and I would never survive as a military wife, but I did grow up near a naval base with friends in military families and I grew up with family in the emergency services field, which is very different than having a dad go off to a job as a school teacher or accountant, so I could definitely relate to much of her story—I think anyone could. This is an interesting, enjoyable read.

[Laela]

I am sorry to report that this book is just one long whine fest for Mrs. Ricketts. I did not find her to be a person I want to know. Nor did I find her to have any redeeming qualities. She complains about almost everyone she encounters. She confesses that she is a terrible mother. She also admits to not liking or understanding her husband. She seems like she is on an endless chase to get to the top of the wives even though she dislikes all of her wifely duties. I'm still trying to figure out what the point of this book is.

My advice to you is skip it.

[Sina]

Interesting but not great.

Interesting but not great.

picked this after listening to an NPR interview with the author. I found it to be scattered. It is like reading a recollection of a teenager. I am glad I read it, but not the biggest fan. I do agree that children pay a big price, but army brats have their own story to tell.

[Kim D]

poor writing/recounting from a whiny, unsympathetic, self-important snot of an army wife. Your husband is an officer commanding troops in afghanistan, and you have quarrels with other SAHM/army wives? Suck it up, buttercup.

[Amy Christman]

I found the author's tone to to be judgemental of the other army wives and had a hard time connecting with her prose. I felt she was critical of LBGTQ members of her "sisterhood" and very judgemental of people who didn't"fit" the army wife persona of blonde hair blue eyed white woman who "supports her man and 'merica". couldn't get through it, have it a chance but the tone was just too judgemental for me.

[Victoria Hudson]

Angela Ricketts’ No Man's War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife, is as raw as any soldiers's war memoir. She gives voice to the often neglected contributor to the strength of the American military – the Army spouse. And not just any Army spouse – but an active duty, Infantry Officer’s wife. While the husband has volunteered, the wife is conscripted into service that preempts her own career dreams with few exceptions. The woman that must care not only for her own family, but the family for every soldier of her husband’s command so each will concentrate on mission, and not lose focus worrying about what is going wrong at home. His life and his comrades' lives, depend upon it.

The wife of a career Army Infantry Officer that deploys to combat from Mogadishu to post 911 battlefields, Ricketts lays bare the overwhelming emotional tar pit that is the life of the Infantry wife. The husbands know the names of the fallen, the wives know the names of the fallen, and their wives, or more often mothers of the predominantly young men, and hold their hands when the memorials are held. Not just for a few hours, but days, weeks, even months after their soldier has been killed, listening and comforting the women and their families left behind.

Sacrifice, civility, and the insidiousness of women defined not by their own right, but their husbands’ position in life meld together in Ricketts’ non-linear and compelling account of her service as an Infantry Wife. And make no mistake, the wives have their own duty and honor to uphold in service to the Nation, as much, if not more, than the husbands. The veil of protocol and tradition is pulled away and her prose is as irreverent to the Army and it’s community she’s spent her life in as it is honoring. She reveals the complex, competing forces that fuel her life’s work as an Army wife, as rewarding as it is damaging to her own soul and well being.

Being an infantry wife, especially a Commander’s wife, is not for the faint of heart. In telling her tale, Angela Ricketts’ gave voice to what is hidden from view, the less than pristine, fabric that binds up the wound after wound inflicted during this era of persistent conflict, and the longest period of war in our country’s history.

If you read one memoir this year, read Angela Ricketts’ No Man’s War: Irreverent Confessions of an Infantry Wife.

[Kelly McCloskey-Romero]

I really wanted to like this book. My grandmother was an army wife, and I was curious about what that world is like, especially how it is now with our years and years of war. I heard Angela Ricketts on Fresh Air and found her fascinating.

Around the middle of the book, I felt frustrated with the fragmented and gossipy tone about people I obviously will ever know. Though this seems true to the subculture, the way that everything is woven together, everyone lives on base together, the wives create a close sisterhood with all of the backbiting and emotion that siblings evoke, it was tiresome after a while. If I read the book to see what this club of military wives is about, I eventually tired of being on the outside and hearing about the machinations on the inside, some of which weren't unique to that world. For example, annoying people come in all worlds, and learning about some of the 'perfumed turds' were hypocritical, rude, weird, or annoying eventually got old.

Ricketts prides herself on her irreverence, her willingness to tell it like it is, but for all of her calling out of the system and 'Kool-aid' of lies that the military wives must drink, she claims to love her life and to embrace it all. Likewise her ambivalence about her husband, while refreshing, is ultimately pretty confusing. Maybe that's just the reality of the situation, but it's frustrating to the reader. It was clearly irreverent to tell the truth about her life over all these deployments, but ultimately she embraces her lot and can't really see beyond it.

In the end, I am glad that I read the book and I appreciate her story. Though a bit muddled, it is a peek into a world I knew nothing about. I wish I could have discussed the book with my Grandma herself.

[Adrienne]

I enjoyed this book and found it difficult to put down. It was enlightening, honest and entertaining. The experiences the author shares in her memoir brought back so many memories of my husband's 26 years in the army and 5 deployments. I recognize many of the types of military folks Angie describes in her book, both good and bad. For me, surviving and thriving in the military community involved staying far, far away from the toxic and very real shenanigans described in this book. Classified as a "non-player" by other wives didn't make me very popular, but there's no way I could have endured or participated in the cut throated antics that are all too common in the military community. I truly enjoyed reading about Angie's experience as a spouse and especially thinking about how it differed from my own. I was able to see positive aspects to both of our approaches to life in the military. Reading about Angie's methods of dealing with obnoxious wives was hilarious. I wish I taken a page from her book a few times. Ben Black was my favorite "character" in this book and I hope that he will someday consider writing a companion to this memoir from his own point of view. That would be a great read!! I loved how open and willing to share Angie was regarding her marriage. She did an outstanding job portraying how difficult living in this stress-laden fishbowl community coupled with multiple deployments can be. I'm so glad to know that Angie and her husband have survived this craziness and are now making it, not faking it anymore.

[Ginger]

I heard this author's interview on NPR and knew I had to get the book. The first chapter grabbed me right away. This book made me both laugh and brought tears to my eyes. A wonderful story of army life from the spouse perspective, though this could be written for any military wife. The author has a wonderful sense of humor and I love her ways of describing her military life. Being an air force wife, I was still able to identify with many parts of the book. It did make me respect the life of an infantry soldier so much more and the hardships of their families. I like that she acknowledges the medical corps. I found myself highlighting many quotes from her book. My favorite is toward the end: "Above everything else, beyond the long hardships, one outcome is the most invaluable. The sisterhoods. The lifelong friends and bonds that will never lessen. Years can go by, and I will pick up with each of those sisters as if a single day hasn't passed. Only we can truly understand one another; not even our husbands can fully grasp what we've been through with each other and how ironclad those bonds are."

[Elisa]

There is no sugar-coating with this author. This is not a fictitious story. This is an in your face real life book. I, too, am an Army wife but, not Infantry. I can relate to the Sisterhood, multiple lengthy deployments, many moves, never living at any one duty station for more than 2 yrs, and the familiar Black Soul as a result. This lifestyle is not for the weak or faint-hearted and Ms. Ricketts reminds us at every chapter. It is written in a non-linear structure, therefore, I found myself revisiting chapters to refresh my memory which only helped me to retrace and study the timeline and understand her memoir all that much more. It is engaging, fresh and raw and sometimes I found myself with my jaw wide open. This book sits proudly on our bookshelf. I recommend this read for personal enjoyment and a great pick for book clubs. I am eager for the next book by this author!

[Karen]

I am at a loss for words but I will give this a shot. It's rare that a book leaves me feeling both punched in the gut and with an aching heart and yet still makes me wiser and stronger for reading. This is that book. I felt like I was walking in Rickett' shoes and seeing her world as she lived it. The reviews who called her whiny do not know how difficult this life is and the bravery it takes to speak from the heart. This book is excellently written and has an unmistakable voice. Every American who stood behind this war, or stood against it, should read this book. The author deals with suicides, a violent crime which she kept hidden for years, a troubled marriage, and the challenges of parenting. universal issues to many of us except hers is set to a backdrop of constant war. A must read.

[Rosemary Harubin]

As a new Army spouse, I felt this book was a great read and after meeting the author and talking more about this book in our book club, I feel I have a better perspective on it. For those of you who think she belittles officers wives by using the phrase "perfumed turds" and thinks herself above, I suggest you read the book again. Yes she uses the phrase a lot, however she also makes it clear that she is one herself. She also does not look down on the enlisted, but rather shows us how distinct the cultures can be. I am blessed to be in a group where both officer and enlisted spouses gather together and we share our lives as a complete unit. I thank Angie for coming to our FRG book club and sharing her story with us.

[Jeanne]

Brutally honest viewpoint of a military wife who has experienced life with a husband who is deployed more than he is at home. Her perspective is current --- that of a military spouse who has been a part of the military since the early 1990's. She shares with us the good, the bad, the ugly, the hilarious, and the tragic pieces about life in the military. This is the nitty gritty "Army Wives" version. The author is unafraid to share the unspoken thoughts that so many hide. Did she step on some toes? Undoubtedly yes, but this story needed to be told! Great read for anybody wanting to understand life in the military.

[Martha Bode]

Kind of a train wreck..... Not well written but I wanted to keep reading. Is it fiction-ish? The author, apparently a whiney military wife, has changed names, but it seems that anyone who knows her would know these characters. Hard to imagine that her hubby (Jack? Darrin? Lieutenant Dan?) appreciated this gossipy stroll through his military deployments, complete with jabs at other officers and their wives, but it was entertaining.

[Audrey]

I'm glad I was never a military wife for the obvious reasons. But if all wives were as whiny, back - stabbing and gossipy as this author... I could hardly believe what I was reading. she complains about someone in nearly every section. Life during a husband's deployment must be miserable enough, but add the life described here and it's a wonder we don't have warfare on bases at home. That said, the book was mildly informative about the life of a military spouse. So glad it wasn't my life.

[Brandice]

I couldn't put this book down. Have always been a fan of military non-fiction writing and I enjoyed reading about a military wife's perspective. I felt like some of it was disorganized, some a little dramatic like the politicking of social events with other wives, and some of it sad, like the repeatedly mentioned disengagement from the kids, but I appreciated the honesty of the story and found it very interesting.

[Allison Hoff]

My husband purchased this book for me. I think that it will resonate with any army wife who has sent her husband (repeatedly) to war and it examines the toll the wars have had on mental health, marriages, and family life. There were many times that the author wrote about things that I have thought myself. There is a lot of truth in this memoir. It’s an honest memoir about life in the army during an endless war.
I liked it a lot.

[Geri]

I found this book refreshing for the irreverence and humor--on the subject of wives who wait for their soldiers to return. Beautifully composed, but could have used another hundred pages to really clarify her experience. The author is a guide into a rarified life, thankfully an honest and gracious guide.

[Lindsay]

While there were the occasional brilliant moments where I went, yes! That is how deployments feel! Or yes! That is what the military life does to you and your relationship! So true, so good! I found the other 98% of this book to be redundant, mean girl gossipy (past the point of humor or even point making...just unnecessarily mean), a little self aggrandizing, and difficult to get through.

[Diane Mueller]

Not sure why I read this to the end. I guess I keep expecting some great revelation, conclusion, something, anything. It was interesting to understand more of the life but there was to much bitterness in the story for it to be an enjoyable read.

[Jane]

Really interesting to hear her insider's perspective of life as a military wife. Discusssed this in book club--I wonder if she was too hard on herself, or who her audience is. !8 month deployments!!!! WTF!!! How do you keep a family together? Much food for thought.