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The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship
Most people if asked, would deny that they’d ever had a fantasy relationship as they’re associated with pretending to be with somebody or in something that’s non-existent, however, it’s time for you to change what you think you know. In this modern age of texts, email, Facebook, online dating, and casual relationships, it’s never been so easy to have a fantasy relationship. An increasing number of people are satisfied with sprinklings of attention and interaction, because they can have the illusion of being loved, cared for, and in control, while also avoiding commitment, intimacy, and ‘full-on’ rejection. The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship explains how fantasy relationships work, why they’re so attractive, and the types of fantasy relationship and people that you’re likely to be involved with. A companion book to Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl , the no holds barred guide to understanding emotional unavailability, author Natalie of popular relationship and self-esteem blog Baggage Reclaim, gets to the heart of the issue so that you can reclaim your power. Packed with practical tips and tools for breaking the habit, and tackling issues such as fear of abandonment, rejection, criticism, and conflict, Natalie's empowering and often humourous take on fantasy relationships will help you to take action in your present and find happiness and increased sense of self in reality.
262 pages, Paperback
First published April 30, 2012
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206 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
January 3, 2015
Read this the day after I came off a bad, mostly virtual relationship and it made me cry. Which I'm sure was not her intention, but wow. I don't usually read self-help books, especially self-help ebooks, but I'm glad I picked this one up. It really helped me process and organize a lot of the thoughts I had about my more questionable online behavior when dating and it helped me realize why my most recent thing failed with flying colors. If you spend a lot of time online or you find yourself easily swept up in internet-based fantasy worlds, this is a good book to read to help you stop all of that. It is a HARSH wake up call for people who love the internet a little too much and need to get back to living and dating in the real world.
She does repeat herself a bit, but it's because the advice is really universal and does not get old, regardless of which type of Dreamer you are - you gotta love yourself and you gotta break out of your destructive habits and build up your self-esteem in reality. I didn't read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl," because this book fit my more specific internet-related needs. I loved the tips she gave at the end to help change your behavior and the way it really breaks down HOW these types of non-relationships and casual things end up hurting you in the long run. I wish I could give a copy to many different people in my life. Instead, I'll be grateful I have it in my Kindle. I highlighted something on almost every page and I plan on revisiting this book often in 2015.
She does repeat herself a bit, but it's because the advice is really universal and does not get old, regardless of which type of Dreamer you are - you gotta love yourself and you gotta break out of your destructive habits and build up your self-esteem in reality. I didn't read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl," because this book fit my more specific internet-related needs. I loved the tips she gave at the end to help change your behavior and the way it really breaks down HOW these types of non-relationships and casual things end up hurting you in the long run. I wish I could give a copy to many different people in my life. Instead, I'll be grateful I have it in my Kindle. I highlighted something on almost every page and I plan on revisiting this book often in 2015.
January 31, 2016
When I bought this book, I was not expecting to get much out of it. I cannot stress enough how wrong I was. The book was the slap on the face / wake-up call which I was long overdue and so much in need...
Far from being a cheaply written Agony Aunt Column type of book, it is primarily aimed at women but I truly believe that men would also benefit greatly from reading it.
From the "Quick Honest Conversation" at the beginning, passing through The Dreamer Girl and the Shopper Guy, Understanding Mr Unavailable, Rejection, Bad Emotional Habits, Self-Love, all the way to Tips on how to Be Real, the author takes you through a painful but realistic view of where you are and how you got there in the first place, and most importantly, how to get out of it by facing your fears and setting the foundations to allowing yourself to being available to Mr Available.
Some of the best passages for me were:
"Do you spend more time thinking about the type of relationship you should have or contemplating the types of things your partner ‘must’ do to fulfil you than you do actually living a relationship or making choices that reflect your vision and expectations?"
"As a Fallback Girl, you’ve mastered the art of making a lot out of a little. While at Tesco (a British supermarket), “Every little helps”, this doesn’t extend to emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable men who have convinced themselves that what they give is greater than it is in actuality. This is fundamentally why Mr Unavailables get so much play - women all over the world keep pumping them up, seeing more potential than exists, and allowing them to get away with extracting as much benefit as they can without having to commit or at times, even be halfway decent."
"What you must remember is that if you were having a real relationship, with a real mutual connection, he’d not only walk through that door, but he’d close it and stay with you, instead of leaving you to your own devices and imagination once he’s got what he wants."
A great book and it has thrown a lot of light into a currently very dark room. Now onto Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl.
Far from being a cheaply written Agony Aunt Column type of book, it is primarily aimed at women but I truly believe that men would also benefit greatly from reading it.
From the "Quick Honest Conversation" at the beginning, passing through The Dreamer Girl and the Shopper Guy, Understanding Mr Unavailable, Rejection, Bad Emotional Habits, Self-Love, all the way to Tips on how to Be Real, the author takes you through a painful but realistic view of where you are and how you got there in the first place, and most importantly, how to get out of it by facing your fears and setting the foundations to allowing yourself to being available to Mr Available.
Some of the best passages for me were:
"Do you spend more time thinking about the type of relationship you should have or contemplating the types of things your partner ‘must’ do to fulfil you than you do actually living a relationship or making choices that reflect your vision and expectations?"
"As a Fallback Girl, you’ve mastered the art of making a lot out of a little. While at Tesco (a British supermarket), “Every little helps”, this doesn’t extend to emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable men who have convinced themselves that what they give is greater than it is in actuality. This is fundamentally why Mr Unavailables get so much play - women all over the world keep pumping them up, seeing more potential than exists, and allowing them to get away with extracting as much benefit as they can without having to commit or at times, even be halfway decent."
"What you must remember is that if you were having a real relationship, with a real mutual connection, he’d not only walk through that door, but he’d close it and stay with you, instead of leaving you to your own devices and imagination once he’s got what he wants."
A great book and it has thrown a lot of light into a currently very dark room. Now onto Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl.
October 15, 2014
The reason I'm giving this book a two star is because it seemed like a copy paste from Natalie's first book, Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl. In her first book she touches on so many of the same points, I felt like this book was just a drawn out description of what an unrealistic female in love can be like.
I gave her first book a four star, and i recommend it. The material is punchy, fresh, what I needed to hear. The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship, its less helpful friend, is definitely not worth the money.
I gave her first book a four star, and i recommend it. The material is punchy, fresh, what I needed to hear. The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship, its less helpful friend, is definitely not worth the money.
May 31, 2021
Did not and could not even finish this book.
Having read her previous book “Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”, I thought this book might have been an interesting read about how you allow yourself to fantasise about your relationship and maybe put extra pressure on success.
By page 20 something, I was actually so annoyed. People having a daydream about their potential future is completely different from the way the author has described these “categories” of women, even describing them as likely to be in trouble with the police or accused of stalking....
Next level disturbing that without any qualifications to back up these rather wild assumptions, she feels that she can write something like that and then talk about how women have low self esteem on the next page. I wonder why....
Having read her previous book “Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”, I thought this book might have been an interesting read about how you allow yourself to fantasise about your relationship and maybe put extra pressure on success.
By page 20 something, I was actually so annoyed. People having a daydream about their potential future is completely different from the way the author has described these “categories” of women, even describing them as likely to be in trouble with the police or accused of stalking....
Next level disturbing that without any qualifications to back up these rather wild assumptions, she feels that she can write something like that and then talk about how women have low self esteem on the next page. I wonder why....
January 5, 2022
I was extremely bored by this book and could not bring myself to finish it. While it has a few good insights, it is very repetitive and poorly structured, almost like a string of random blog posts.
I am not convinced by the author's attempt to classify people and their behaviours into rigid categories, especially given that her observations are purely empirical. While she obviously knows a thing or two about the dynamics between delusional women and unavailable men, it seems to me that she keeps describing these over and over again instead of answering the 'why' of it. In my opinion the book focuses too much on male behaviour and to little on the psychology of women who become trapped in fantasy.
With all the good reviews, I was expecting more depth and better writing.
I am not convinced by the author's attempt to classify people and their behaviours into rigid categories, especially given that her observations are purely empirical. While she obviously knows a thing or two about the dynamics between delusional women and unavailable men, it seems to me that she keeps describing these over and over again instead of answering the 'why' of it. In my opinion the book focuses too much on male behaviour and to little on the psychology of women who become trapped in fantasy.
With all the good reviews, I was expecting more depth and better writing.
January 14, 2020
Obviously quite heteronormative, but a lot of useful insight into the world of obsessive crushes, strung-along relationships, and wishful thinking. I got a lot out of it, especially when it comes to building self-esteem and honestly assessing the state of a relationship. She works hard to dig the reader out of pits of self-blame, and provides powerful tools for reframing.
July 21, 2019
This Book Hits Home
I never realized I had emotional issues and baggage until I discovered baggage reclaim. I chalked it up to choosing bad guys or rather choosing anyone who showed me attention. I learned so much more than dating in these books.
I never realized I had emotional issues and baggage until I discovered baggage reclaim. I chalked it up to choosing bad guys or rather choosing anyone who showed me attention. I learned so much more than dating in these books.
May 6, 2017
This book is s must: it truly changed my perspective at life
December 8, 2017
Embarrassing title, but full of real talk! This book was so helpful and I know I will make better choices as a result of Natalie Lue’s no-nonsense advice.
January 19, 2019
Another great book by Natalie that saves the female ego mind from getting lost in bullshit.
January 30, 2019
I really enjoy Natalie Lue's wisdom. I actually liked this book better than "Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" and I highly recommend her website baggagereclaim.com.
July 17, 2019
Repetitive. Same concepts of previous books. And same poor writing.
August 21, 2024
Having spent the best part of at least 2 years pining after someone I’ve only ever had online contact with, this was a sobering read. Some of the print was missing from the bottom of some pages.
May 5, 2017
I liked this book but the author does not really give enough detail about the cause of the behaviour,basically it is a trauma based behaviour that has a psychological explanation...
When a child grows up in a family where emotional interactions and attunement with parents are lacking, that child learns to overcompensate for what is not happening. It would be too devastating for a young child to let in the reality that her parent(s) does not care,is not interested in her as this would provoke a primal panic response.In order to cope with this state of affairs the child shuts out the reality that her care givers are not emotionally available by projecting the love and warmth she has for her parent and then imagining/fantasising the feeling is being reciprocated by the parent.Blocking out the truth that the parent is not really engaging on any meaningful level.The child is able to override the reality of the felt disconnect by using imagination to feel connected...this is a form of denial where they have to surrender psychic integrity in order to preserve relatedness.
This type of defensive behaviour helps the child cope with inadequate parenting,unfortunately it does not help the child when she grows into an adult because she will tend to distort reality in her adult relationships by imagining their partner is emotionally available and a relationship is taking place, when in fact there is no relating taking place & a relationship is not occurring.This is the dynamic that keeps so many people stuck in fantasy relationships. In order to counter this the skill of reality testing needs to be strengthened. Reality testing allows people to assess whether a person is actually offering them emotional connection,warmth.
When a child grows up in a family where emotional interactions and attunement with parents are lacking, that child learns to overcompensate for what is not happening. It would be too devastating for a young child to let in the reality that her parent(s) does not care,is not interested in her as this would provoke a primal panic response.In order to cope with this state of affairs the child shuts out the reality that her care givers are not emotionally available by projecting the love and warmth she has for her parent and then imagining/fantasising the feeling is being reciprocated by the parent.Blocking out the truth that the parent is not really engaging on any meaningful level.The child is able to override the reality of the felt disconnect by using imagination to feel connected...this is a form of denial where they have to surrender psychic integrity in order to preserve relatedness.
This type of defensive behaviour helps the child cope with inadequate parenting,unfortunately it does not help the child when she grows into an adult because she will tend to distort reality in her adult relationships by imagining their partner is emotionally available and a relationship is taking place, when in fact there is no relating taking place & a relationship is not occurring.This is the dynamic that keeps so many people stuck in fantasy relationships. In order to counter this the skill of reality testing needs to be strengthened. Reality testing allows people to assess whether a person is actually offering them emotional connection,warmth.
December 7, 2015
I saw myself and many of my romantic interests in practically every line of this incredibly vital and important book. It's so true it made me cringe and shake my head in admiration. I wish I had read this years ago, I'm so thankful a friend recommended it and for the changes and possibilities for healthy relationships it has created in my life.
August 23, 2015
mange av forfatterens lærdommer er fra forrige bok: mr unavaiable and the falback girl, men denne tar mer tak i oss drømmere som av å til trenger en spark bak å våkne til realiteten av våre relasjoner.
February 6, 2017
im giving this a huge 5 stars for amazing content, but tbh the writing is quite poor and could really do with an editor
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews