Shallow, tone deaf, and self-indulgent. Incredibly boring and at times unintelligible. This book was a bad memoir and a worse self-help book. If you are coping with loss, depression, divorce, etc. I advise you to steer clear of this one. I can understand writing a book focused on providing solutions for, “first world problems”, but I cannot support work that is uninformed and dismissive of the reality of many.
1. The Good – Should’ve been a list of resources
2. Writing – Abysmal and incoherent
3. Memoir Elements – Self-Indulgent and meaningless rambling
4. Content – Many Uncredited Sources and Studies
5. Author’s Voice – Self-righteous and Oblivious
The Good – Should’ve been a list of resources
At the beginning of the book, Gray does well to acknowledge over-assigned solutions, such as gratitude, meditation, and yoga, particularly in the personal development genre. She shares helpful studies that show practising gratitude is only valuable when you are as specific as possible. She also talks about hedonic adaptation and the idea of the hedonic treadmill. The discussion on maximizers and satisfiers was relatable.
The first chapter had a lot of excerpts from other resources and lacked a voice from the book’s author, which as it turns out is why it was so good. I was highlighting a lot of excerpts written by other authors and their book titles. Akin to the idea that this meeting could’ve been an email, my thoughts on this book became that this book could have been a resource list. Considering that the author used to work in the magazine industry, it makes sense that she was able to curate a good list of resources. The sources shared were much more appreciated than her rambling words to come.
The Writing – Abysmal and Incoherent
In the early chapters, reading the author’s stories read like a conversation with a friend. There was good flow but then she takes this too far and goes off on too many tangents. The narrative in this book was a mess. She uses a lot of English slang, I think, but sometimes while reading I really had no idea what she was saying. Examples below:
“That I felt that camera flash of pain in my gob that tells me I need to go to the dentist – so I went to the dentist. That I can afford to do so, without financial jiggery-pokery and stress.”
“That I chose to swerve bubble-gum for the brain this evening in the shape of a Rebel Wilson film…”
Death by adjectives and often the wrong ones. I flagged many instances where the author was misusing words that it was hard to believe she has a background in journalism. Her use of literary devices failed with weird hyperboles and the overuse of metaphors. The prose was not witty and her attempts at humour fell flat. Instead, she comes off as resentful.
The Memoir Elements – Self-Indulgent and Meaningless Rambling
As a memoir this book really flops. Gray does not share memories of specific events that anchor her growth and story. I felt like the author keeps the reader at an arm’s length by mentioning “events” but never telling us what happened. It reminds me of a comic I saw the other day about a job interviewer asks the candidate to elaborate on being cryptic and mysterious, to which the candidate says, “I cannot, not since the incident.” (Nathan Wypyle – Strange Planet).
The reader learns that Gray was an alcoholic, that she had a job with Cosmopolitan at some point but for unknown reasons is now self-employed, and that she lost her father. She doesn’t allow the reader to connect with her story because there are no details provided on any of these significant life points. Her discussion on grieving the loss of her father was a good example of how confusing her story telling is throughout. She writes,
“Losing a parent was not, it turned out, the melodrama I expected, in which life screeched to a halt. Plus, we had this godforsaken memorial to organize now…”
She tells us nothing of her relationship with her father that would allow us as the reader to understand why she views her father’s passing as more of an inconvenience to her. She had referred to her father earlier as her, “bombastic father”, which is all we learn about him. Then a page later she says,
“When I’d heard the news of his death, I had folded over and dropped my phone of the floor, as if right-hooked in the stomach by loss. I lay on the kitchen tiles, as expected, dominated by the overlord of bereavement.”
There is much rambling when it comes to her personal stories but there is no development of meaningful life events or relationships that the reader can connect with. What she does do is pick out personal things to share such as her clothing size, her extravagant life experiences, and anything else that makes her look successful to the reader. She is insincere, lacks depth of emotion and thought, and alienates the reader.
Content – Many Uncredited Sources and Studies
The layout of this book was awkward to read. I stopped reading the “Odes to…” because they were tiringly descriptive and added nothing of value to the book. I found them a bit odd, and their sunny disposition was polarizing compared to the author’s otherwise bitter tone. They were also detached from the chapter goals.
There are many movie examples used in this book and as a reader I find it lazy. The forced links between movies and ideas reminded me of last-minute high school book reports.
The author often used phrases like, “some scientists”, “some experts”, “researchers” so I was left questioning the credibility of the ideas being presented. Could she not reference which experts and scientists? It felt lazy, but worse than that it lacked validity. I stopped reading any section where no explicit source could be credited. At one point she talks about why the first rule of hostage negotiation school is to ask the hostage-taker to name how they feel, and I actually laughed. Is this common knowledge? Where does this information come from?
The Author’s Voice – Self-righteous and Oblivious
The author is ignorant and uninformed in the areas she is trying to speak on, which we learn is because she actively avoids consuming the news or anything else that might be upsetting. Her perspective is ego-centric, and she is unaware of how life outside the upper-middle class looks.
The author also lacks knowledge of key terms on the topics she is presenting. The chapter on well-being makes grand statements about things where real terms to identify issues exist but are never used. For example, she rambles on about the idea of boundaries but never acknowledges the term that defines these ideas. Just using the term boundaries would have made these sections more effective and they could easily be supported with research. In this discussion, she complains about text messaging apps that show messages as read so she can’t just ignore them. This highlights what kind of person she is.
In other areas, she oversimplifies complicated feelings in her attempts to prove that you just need to paint a silver lining on hardships. She writes,
“Say a relationship ends; now I know he’s a cheater. Or if a boring but reliable source of income vanishes; now I can pursue something that doesn’t turn my brain into a narcoleptic. Having to move house; a new town becomes my oyster.”
Tone deaf, invalidating, ignorant. I want to understand what she is trying to say about finding a silver lining in hardship, but I don’t think she has the knowledge or ability to articulate what we need as a reader. We learn later that when she faced financial insecurity in the past, she just asked her parents to bail her out, a few times. Gray’s invalidating tone and lack of compassion extend to her discussions on other ideas like social media use and the role of influencers.
Overall, I gave this book one star because I didn’t like the author’s tone or messaging. There were many assumptions and generalizations made and not enough specifics provided. It was difficult to humanize and connect with the author. Most importantly, I didn’t get the sense the author wrote this book with a sincere intention to help readers better themselves.
Below is an excerpt from the book on why gratitude literature is so off-putting:
“Here are some real lines from real gratitude literature, plus how I felt when I read them. (Article origins and writers obviously concealed.)
‘Practising gratitude means paying attention to what we are grateful for.’
No shit, Sherlock. But how? HOW? This is too vague. BAH.” (Chapter 1: The Pursuit of the Extraordinary)