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On My Knees: A Memoir
A bawdy and unabashed memoir of the author's journey from soul-crushing break-up to unexpected love, perfect for readers who love the humor of Chelsea Handler.
"Ribald, outrageous, gutter-mouthed, hilarious-a startling new voice in American letters. Watch out Portnoy, watch out Caulfield, watch out Bukowski, watch out Candace Bushnell. Hell, everybody, real or imagined, just watch out! Because here comes Periel Aschenbrand!" -Jonathan Ames
Periel Aschenbrand seems to have no fear. Not only has she appeared naked on the cover of her first book, but she also started her own political t-shirt line with sayings like "The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own," and "If It's Date Rape, Do I Get Dinner?" But after she breaks up with her longtime boyfriend, shortly following her deeply beloved grandmother's passing, the normally indomitable Periel finds herself demoralized, sinking into the midst of a major life low, and questioning whether she'll ever bounce back, find her footing, and fall in love again.
At the beginning of On My Knees, we find her drinking her days away on plastic-covered couches as she squats in her dead grandmother's apartment. But out of the darkness that threatens to overwhelm her, she begins a powerful, transformative journey through crazy one night stands and ill-advised hookups with friends; bad benders mixing margaritas and marijuana; a run-in with Philip Roth; and, in the end, a trip to Israel and an encounter with the man who finally shows her that the chance for love never disappears.
"Ribald, outrageous, gutter-mouthed, hilarious-a startling new voice in American letters. Watch out Portnoy, watch out Caulfield, watch out Bukowski, watch out Candace Bushnell. Hell, everybody, real or imagined, just watch out! Because here comes Periel Aschenbrand!" -Jonathan Ames
Periel Aschenbrand seems to have no fear. Not only has she appeared naked on the cover of her first book, but she also started her own political t-shirt line with sayings like "The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own," and "If It's Date Rape, Do I Get Dinner?" But after she breaks up with her longtime boyfriend, shortly following her deeply beloved grandmother's passing, the normally indomitable Periel finds herself demoralized, sinking into the midst of a major life low, and questioning whether she'll ever bounce back, find her footing, and fall in love again.
At the beginning of On My Knees, we find her drinking her days away on plastic-covered couches as she squats in her dead grandmother's apartment. But out of the darkness that threatens to overwhelm her, she begins a powerful, transformative journey through crazy one night stands and ill-advised hookups with friends; bad benders mixing margaritas and marijuana; a run-in with Philip Roth; and, in the end, a trip to Israel and an encounter with the man who finally shows her that the chance for love never disappears.
211 pages, ebook
First published May 28, 2013
18 people are currently reading
341 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
January 7, 2014
I read this purely based on the title and cover picture. She's not a bad writer, but I kept wondering why this was published. I guess it's coz of the title and cover picture! Other than a few interesting descriptions of life in Tel Aviv, it's not memorable. Who is she anyway? Still don't know. Whatevs.
January 16, 2016
One of the best memoirs I have ever read!
Periel is smart, funny, fashionable and to-the-point. I laughed so many times and then had to relay to the hubby what I read so he could laugh too. And believe me when I tell you, we did. She is such a riot!
This story centered around her dating life, or sometimes lack thereof. I know so many women who will be able to relate to her stories. Especially the city chicks. Life, especially dating life, moves at a different pace. She is pretty honest in her account of being a city girl.
Gotta say, the cover is hot! So is the story!
Now I gotta get a copy of her other book.
Periel is smart, funny, fashionable and to-the-point. I laughed so many times and then had to relay to the hubby what I read so he could laugh too. And believe me when I tell you, we did. She is such a riot!
This story centered around her dating life, or sometimes lack thereof. I know so many women who will be able to relate to her stories. Especially the city chicks. Life, especially dating life, moves at a different pace. She is pretty honest in her account of being a city girl.
Gotta say, the cover is hot! So is the story!
Now I gotta get a copy of her other book.
October 3, 2013
Remember when Hannah Horvath’s manuscript was rejected because no one cares about female friendship? Her editor told her that she should instead write a book called A Year on My Back featuring tales of bad sex with college kids. So that’s exactly what came to mind when I saw that Periel Aschenbrand had published a book called On My Knees. It’s pretty much the same title. And then Salon published a chapter of the book wherein the buxom young memoirist talks about wanting to screw that legendary bag of douche known as Phillip Roth. And, I was like, yay male fantasy? Now, I’m very pro-sex. In fact, I’m pro-promiscuous sex. So I’m completely in favor of women writing about their sexual adventures with as much detail and aplomb as generations of literary manwhores. But when I look at a shelf of recent female memoirs and every single one is about either sex, eating, or walking, I can’t help but wonder if women are allowed to write about anything that’s not a basic bodily function.
But then I actually read Aschenbrand’s book—in about two hours because it’s REALLY short—and I realized that it’s not just about sex. In fact, there’s almost no actual sex in this book—unless you count her unfortunate encounter with a hairy Canadian who ejaculates on her couch (i.e., the worst type of Canadian). The book’s title isn’t even a BJ reference. It’s the universe that brings her to her knees after she endures a particularly rough breakup. So this isn’t a tale of lusty conquest so much as an account of one woman getting her shit together—with the help of her emotionally-scarred friend and her pushy mother. Point being, this is basically a book about female relationships marketed as Tropic of Cancer. Point being, publishing is the worst.Although this memoir is structured around the two most significant romantic relationships in Aschenbrand’s life, it’s the connections with her mother and her best friend—incidentally named Hanna—that make this bauble worth reading. Aschenbrand and her mother are curious specimens who exhibit that rare maternal bonding ritual—seemingly only found in New York—where women display their love by screaming at one another. I’m the product of a Protestant family in the Midwest, so I have no experience with this type of behavior, but it’s hilarious, oddly touching—and we’re introduced to their particular brand of nutso as mother and daughter argue about the definition of a rim job. I’m cool with all of that.
Although Ashenbrand’s best friend Hanna is only in a few chapters of the book, she’s the narrative quirk that makes the book more than one brash, pretty girl’s adventures being brash and pretty. Hanna is a neurotic, sensitive young thing who can’t understand why her virtual sex with strangers isn’t leading to a lifetime of happiness and shared assets. Aschenbrand, on the other hand, is the most confident woman you’ll ever read. Granted, she’s an attractive, funny, intelligent lady. But she actually says this…about herself…out loud. She’s like Kanye West in a thong. So, on the surface, these women couldn’t be more different. Yet, by sheer force of female self-destructiveness, they both end up in the same romantic pit—unable to climb out until each one sees her sorry self mirrored in the other’s haggard face. And this is why there should be more books about female friendship.
Now, this book isn’t without its issues. There’s some serious hipster privilege going on—especially in a chapter involving Hispanic women that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I don’t care if Aschenbrand grew up in Queens. She’s white, and there are certain things you don’t get to think or say. And the ending is also a tad too rom-com tidy for my taste. But at least the book highlights the fact that a relationship alone will not make you happy. Maybe for a few months, but then you’re going to run out of condoms and need to find something else to do. And, you know what’s the first thing you should probably do? Go call some lady friends.
But then I actually read Aschenbrand’s book—in about two hours because it’s REALLY short—and I realized that it’s not just about sex. In fact, there’s almost no actual sex in this book—unless you count her unfortunate encounter with a hairy Canadian who ejaculates on her couch (i.e., the worst type of Canadian). The book’s title isn’t even a BJ reference. It’s the universe that brings her to her knees after she endures a particularly rough breakup. So this isn’t a tale of lusty conquest so much as an account of one woman getting her shit together—with the help of her emotionally-scarred friend and her pushy mother. Point being, this is basically a book about female relationships marketed as Tropic of Cancer. Point being, publishing is the worst.Although this memoir is structured around the two most significant romantic relationships in Aschenbrand’s life, it’s the connections with her mother and her best friend—incidentally named Hanna—that make this bauble worth reading. Aschenbrand and her mother are curious specimens who exhibit that rare maternal bonding ritual—seemingly only found in New York—where women display their love by screaming at one another. I’m the product of a Protestant family in the Midwest, so I have no experience with this type of behavior, but it’s hilarious, oddly touching—and we’re introduced to their particular brand of nutso as mother and daughter argue about the definition of a rim job. I’m cool with all of that.
Although Ashenbrand’s best friend Hanna is only in a few chapters of the book, she’s the narrative quirk that makes the book more than one brash, pretty girl’s adventures being brash and pretty. Hanna is a neurotic, sensitive young thing who can’t understand why her virtual sex with strangers isn’t leading to a lifetime of happiness and shared assets. Aschenbrand, on the other hand, is the most confident woman you’ll ever read. Granted, she’s an attractive, funny, intelligent lady. But she actually says this…about herself…out loud. She’s like Kanye West in a thong. So, on the surface, these women couldn’t be more different. Yet, by sheer force of female self-destructiveness, they both end up in the same romantic pit—unable to climb out until each one sees her sorry self mirrored in the other’s haggard face. And this is why there should be more books about female friendship.
Now, this book isn’t without its issues. There’s some serious hipster privilege going on—especially in a chapter involving Hispanic women that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I don’t care if Aschenbrand grew up in Queens. She’s white, and there are certain things you don’t get to think or say. And the ending is also a tad too rom-com tidy for my taste. But at least the book highlights the fact that a relationship alone will not make you happy. Maybe for a few months, but then you’re going to run out of condoms and need to find something else to do. And, you know what’s the first thing you should probably do? Go call some lady friends.
July 31, 2013
Once again Periel Aschenbrand has kept me enthralled and laughing out loud! despite her often crazy predicaments, I always feel that I have, at some point, been there too. Love, love, love this book.
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August 26, 2013I adore Periel! Couldn't put this book down finished reading in a day. I laughed, cried and could totally relate. Will be getting her other books for sure!
November 4, 2013
Strangely heart-warming
December 15, 2018
The other reviews said this book is raunchy and hilarious, but it wasn't funny at all.
It was sad -- I mean, she fell 'on her knees' in the bathroom crying because her grandma died, her lovelife was crap, and she was squatting illegally in an apartment she may be evicted from at any time. Her relationship with her parents seemed dysfunctional: her dad rarely speaks, and her mum criticises her regularly and repeatedly. Most of her friends are deeply problematic; her friend Roy seemed to be the only person in the book with his life together. She was in a relationship with a guy in his thirties while she was in her early twenties that didn't work out because he wanted to settle down and she wasn't ready (what a shock) that dragged on for a decade because their communication was so awful. She was seriously depressed and rarely left her home for months. Occasional jokes about things like braiding pubic hair don't make the rest of it funny. The jokes weren't even good.
I wouldn't describe it as raunchy either -- the cover and title are probably the raunchiest parts. It's just another book where a woman I've never heard of writes about her dating experiences and early adulthood and attempts to be funny. (Why do I keep reading these books? I really should have learnt by now; instead I've read four of them this year.)
I'm glad Periel seems to have found happiness and stability, and she made it through this difficult period in her life, but I just didn't enjoy the book.
It was sad -- I mean, she fell 'on her knees' in the bathroom crying because her grandma died, her lovelife was crap, and she was squatting illegally in an apartment she may be evicted from at any time. Her relationship with her parents seemed dysfunctional: her dad rarely speaks, and her mum criticises her regularly and repeatedly. Most of her friends are deeply problematic; her friend Roy seemed to be the only person in the book with his life together. She was in a relationship with a guy in his thirties while she was in her early twenties that didn't work out because he wanted to settle down and she wasn't ready (what a shock) that dragged on for a decade because their communication was so awful. She was seriously depressed and rarely left her home for months. Occasional jokes about things like braiding pubic hair don't make the rest of it funny. The jokes weren't even good.
I wouldn't describe it as raunchy either -- the cover and title are probably the raunchiest parts. It's just another book where a woman I've never heard of writes about her dating experiences and early adulthood and attempts to be funny. (Why do I keep reading these books? I really should have learnt by now; instead I've read four of them this year.)
I'm glad Periel seems to have found happiness and stability, and she made it through this difficult period in her life, but I just didn't enjoy the book.
September 18, 2025
This was not it for me. I didn’t know the author but thought the cover and title sounded interesting. It’s kind of a book about a women’s dating history and her experience with different partners - honestly anyone could have written it. It wasn’t anything overly shocking, sexual, raunchy or exciting.
April 23, 2020
Smart funny and raunchy. I loved this memoir. At certain points it actually made me laugh out loud. The author talks about growing up in NYC, visiting family in Israel and her relationships with men.
January 6, 2025
Curious it’s got the better of me at a thrift store. Read this a while ago but remember it being a great read and hilarious!
July 21, 2020
Surprised at all of the 4-5 star ratings. Maybe I just didn't get it? The title and cover caught my attention, but the book itself read as a younger woman's diary and wasn't memorable (for me). Definitely wasn't the the outrageous, blush-worthy read it was advertised to be. Wish I got out of it what others did because I was looking forward to the read after seeing it on top lists. It took me a while just go get to page 50/chapter 4 and really wanted to see it though, just struggled to do so.
February 21, 2018
This Memoir was very good . I read it on my Kindle . I read it in one day . The memoir was very funny. This memoir is about Peri Aschenbrand . She talks about growing up in NYC and her relationships with men .
December 23, 2017
Periel writes about her pwn life in a unique and refreshing manner. She is funny, vivacious, honest and owns up to her own mistakes. I could totally relate to her dating woes as a fellow New Yorker. After working through her problems and being honest with herself she found love in Tel Aviv, where she least expected to. I highly recommend for those who understand street say humor and like memoirs.
March 6, 2017
Made me laugh out loud. Breezy, slightly raunchy but not overdone.
October 24, 2013
Excerpt
Noam was thirty-one when we met which seemed old as hell back then but is five years younger than I am now. I had taken longer than usual to graduate. While everyone else was “planning for their future” I was gallivanting around the world and smoking enough pot to kill a horse. I had spent nine months in Europe and when I met Noam, I was working as a cocktail waitress in a strip club to pay it off. Noam, for his part, was getting his PhD in English literature, and while he was totally smitten with me, he found my job distasteful , to say the least.
I understood and agreed that from a feminist perspective working in a strip club was extremely problematic, but I was saving money to travel and making more in one night than most of my friends made in a week. Plus, it was interesting. The strip club was frequented by Mexican kingpin drug lords. Guys with teardrop tattoos under their eyes, with names like El Chapon used to sit around drinking Tequila Rose and call me La Flaca.
I tried to explain to Noam that the way I saw it, I was being given hundred-dollar bills to bring people napkins and that was far better than working in a smoothie bar, mashing wheat grass for seven dollars an hour. Noam, who was far more of an intellect than I, saw little humor in all this.
Discussion Questions:
1. Is Periel a feminist? It seems to me Noam is more of a feminist than she is—he’s in a PhD cult so it’s required. Can a dude seriously be more of a feminist than a chick or do we need to come up with a better definition of feminism than Noam’s PhD program? How can Noam tell Periel how to be a feminist? That seems like he’s trying to lord something over her, and in a way, belittle her, doesn’t it?
2. So is a woman working in a strip club cool if the woman is doing it because she knows it’s better for her as a decent woman than wearing a paper hat and apron, saying, “Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?” What about any other traditional “women” jobs like a nurse (a very sexy/sexist job indeed), elementary school teacher, hair stylist, etc.—basically any job where you do better if you’re a hot woman and better watch your back if you’re a dude and not gay?
3. So if La Flaca is okay with serving me tequila in a strip club, does that make it okay for me to be there in the first place – or do I first have to become a Mexican drug lord for it to be socially acceptable?
Comments:
Just one: Periel is awesome and Noam is kind of a dick. I hope she breaks up with him by chapter 2.
http://pornoponderings.wordpress.com/...
Noam was thirty-one when we met which seemed old as hell back then but is five years younger than I am now. I had taken longer than usual to graduate. While everyone else was “planning for their future” I was gallivanting around the world and smoking enough pot to kill a horse. I had spent nine months in Europe and when I met Noam, I was working as a cocktail waitress in a strip club to pay it off. Noam, for his part, was getting his PhD in English literature, and while he was totally smitten with me, he found my job distasteful , to say the least.
I understood and agreed that from a feminist perspective working in a strip club was extremely problematic, but I was saving money to travel and making more in one night than most of my friends made in a week. Plus, it was interesting. The strip club was frequented by Mexican kingpin drug lords. Guys with teardrop tattoos under their eyes, with names like El Chapon used to sit around drinking Tequila Rose and call me La Flaca.
I tried to explain to Noam that the way I saw it, I was being given hundred-dollar bills to bring people napkins and that was far better than working in a smoothie bar, mashing wheat grass for seven dollars an hour. Noam, who was far more of an intellect than I, saw little humor in all this.
Discussion Questions:
1. Is Periel a feminist? It seems to me Noam is more of a feminist than she is—he’s in a PhD cult so it’s required. Can a dude seriously be more of a feminist than a chick or do we need to come up with a better definition of feminism than Noam’s PhD program? How can Noam tell Periel how to be a feminist? That seems like he’s trying to lord something over her, and in a way, belittle her, doesn’t it?
2. So is a woman working in a strip club cool if the woman is doing it because she knows it’s better for her as a decent woman than wearing a paper hat and apron, saying, “Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?” What about any other traditional “women” jobs like a nurse (a very sexy/sexist job indeed), elementary school teacher, hair stylist, etc.—basically any job where you do better if you’re a hot woman and better watch your back if you’re a dude and not gay?
3. So if La Flaca is okay with serving me tequila in a strip club, does that make it okay for me to be there in the first place – or do I first have to become a Mexican drug lord for it to be socially acceptable?
Comments:
Just one: Periel is awesome and Noam is kind of a dick. I hope she breaks up with him by chapter 2.
http://pornoponderings.wordpress.com/...
October 16, 2013
This book didn't have any point to it. It's a memoir by a potty mouth woman and her experiences with different men. At the end, she finally finds true love. She treats her mother like garbage (although in the last chapter she describes how wonderful her mother actually is), she is nauseatingly narcissistic (which she admits) and she bored me with the details about her nasty sex life. The only part that was worth reading was when she gave advice to her friend, Hanna. Sex and the City may seem tame by comparison, but it is has much more depth and compassion.
November 9, 2015
East coast girls all need to read this memoir. While reading this you will think.... did she jump into my head and steal my attitude?!
New York and South Philly girls will love the wacky stories from this Jewess Queen of NY (except Staten Island girls.... You girls go elsewhere. )who still calls her Mommy to talk about everything. Don't be shy, Even rimjobs aren't off limits.
Very humorous and off the wall weirdness will make you want to read her other book.
New York and South Philly girls will love the wacky stories from this Jewess Queen of NY (except Staten Island girls.... You girls go elsewhere. )who still calls her Mommy to talk about everything. Don't be shy, Even rimjobs aren't off limits.
Very humorous and off the wall weirdness will make you want to read her other book.
November 14, 2013
wow does this girl have no filters! interesting, but unless you're ready to read some seriously surprising (and often unnecessary raunch), skip. And when I mean raunchy, I'm talking about discussions about body hair where you never knew you had it and if you did, never knew it mattered.
So. proceed with caution and probably don't loan it to your mother.
So. proceed with caution and probably don't loan it to your mother.
June 27, 2014
Because I needed another reason to long to be in Israel! I love her candour, her zest, the romanticism, the unique individual she is. Love this book, love this woman! Bolshy and gregarious and riveting good fun about embracing all the ups and downs about living as a modern woman who follows her own script.
August 30, 2013
Periel is a great read if you're into the Chelsea Handler/Lena Dunham/Whitney Cummings type of coming-of-age story. She's real and she's fabulous. I really enjoyed this memoir. Looking forward to reading her first book.
September 30, 2019
This book is proof that publishers will print anything. I’m glad I only paid $4 for this vapid piece of garbage. I can’t believe it made someone’s list of top memoirs. Run from this book; the back of a shampoo bottle is more interesting.
August 28, 2013
LOVED it!!
October 5, 2013
This is a fun raunchy adventure through NY by a snarky early-30s writer post breakup. I am endeared to the pink couch and all it represents!
October 11, 2013
I love Periel! I think she's fabulous and funny but her writing is fairly mediocre. I'll be reading her books to see her adventures as a married
woman.
woman.
February 24, 2016
This seemed like the ravings of a 14-year-old 30-something trying to prove she's funny and edgy. A few semi-trite tidbits were insightful. A quick read.
October 28, 2013
Just wasn't very entertaining and reads like pages out of a diary.
November 27, 2013
This book is an easy read and it's refreshing! Periel is a great combination of hilarious and witty and I enjoyed her blunt humor very much!
January 5, 2014
Filthy, hilarious and ultimately, very hopeful and sweet. Great start to 2014!
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January 27, 2014what can I say? not funny-tmi for most of it... glad it's done..
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June 20, 2014
an excellent story but not at all what I was expecting from the title or why it was recommended to me by good reads. interesting plot and well told it is a nice book to read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews