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When Your "Perfect Partner" Goes Perfectly Wrong: Loving Or Leaving The Narcissist In Your Life
Do YOU have a narcissist in your life? Would you recognize one if there was? Do any of these "red flag" behaviors look like anyone you're involved with? 1. Egotistical and controlling. 2. Feels that rules don't apply to them. 3. Is NEVER happy - no matter what you do. 4. Feels more important or entitled than others. 5. Has no clue what empathy or compassion are. 6. May have started out "perfect" but changed drastically along the way. 7. Always blames others for anything that goes wrong. These are just a few of the characteristics often exhibited by those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Whether your "partner" has NPD or just narcissistic traits, they can put you on a roller coaster ride that can play havoc with your emotional health and well-being. Anyone can be a malignant narcissist. They can be your spouse, business partner, friend, boss, or parent. The problem is that they can leave you filled with self-doubt, confusion, stress, anxiety, guilt, and depression ... and wondering how you got there in the first place. If you feeling responsible for all that's wrong in your relationship, if you're waiting for "someday" when things will be better, if you feel less-than-equal to your partner, if you feel like you're "walking on eggshells" around this person - then it's time you get the facts on NPD and stop taking blame and feeling lousy for a disorder that is not your own - a disorder rarely talked about and still frequently misunderstood, even by therapists.
277 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2004
3 people are currently reading
58 people want to read
About the author
MaryJo Fay
9 books10 followersI was just like you not that long ago. I was a relationship mess. Yep – I survived some difficult relationships myself. From living through childhood sexual abuse, to surviving a difficult divorce after a 23 year marriage, to working for some nasty bosses, and even nearly taking my own life due to a depression that felt endless. I had to hit rock bottom before I could come up. What was the key that finally helped me realize how to get out of my predicament? That I was the common denominator in all my relationships! And I finally came to grips with what I was doing wrong and starting doing things right!
More importantly, I learned that the most difficult relationship I had,was the one I had with myself.
The changes I made in my life were incredible and from there, everyone wanted to know how I did it – how I went from the edge of being a relationship mess to someone who is so “out of her Boxx” that she now helps others heal and grow as well.
Actually, I had a rather unusual epiphany that led to my changes. During the middle of my divorce, when I felt so lost and alone, I actually “ran away from home” to live and work in Cozumel, Mexico for the most amazing six months of my life! Not only did I hide and heal, but when vacationing American women befriended me (I was a hotel concierge) and asked me what the heck I was doing there and I told them, they would say, “You’re my hero!” And then they would start telling me their own stories. And guess what? I discovered a pretty strong behavior pattern that sent me researching this phenomenon even more.
Why were there so many unhappy, dissatisfied, miserably frustrated women, I asked myself. I thought I was the only one filled with emotional confusion, low self-esteem issues, and darkly depressed about my relationships. And yet, here I was, surrounded by others in the same boat. I knew I had to heal and help others heal as well. Thus began my journey …
To add to my own experience, I interviewed countless people across the country about their relationships. And I discovered what people will tell a total stranger about their personal lives is absolutely astounding! (Especially when they just get to talk openly and aren’t filling out some limited survey.) Even more interesting is that they told me things that they wouldn’t even tell their therapists! I got information that sometimes confirmed some of what I thought, some that surprised me, and some that downright shocked me. And the two most important pieces I discovered or confirmed were these:
Most of us tend to repeat our relationship patterns and behaviors over and over again, even when they continue to prove unsuccessful.
And just like me, they found that the most difficult relationship that most of us have, is the one we have with ourselves.
Since coming out of the darkness myself, I’ve written four successful relationship books and one novel and have been quoted as a relationship expert in radio, on TV, and in print around the world. I led a support group outside of Denver for people in difficult relationships. I founded and facilitate Denver’s BEST Dating, Mating, and Relating MeetUp Group. I currently write a regular column about “Living out of the Boxx” for two newspapers. (In my book, Get Out of Your Boxx, I define a “boxx” as a behavioral pattern that holds us back from being the best we can be.) I give speeches and workshops to help people discover more about themselves and what they’re missing in life.
With my nursing education and comfort with the human body, I teach people about their sexuality and how to be more comfortable and satisfied with their intimate relationships. My work has been translated into other languages, which is always pretty fun to see. And I’ve won awards for my books and am now writing screenplays to help spread my message to a wider audience.
I’m a different kind of expert … I’m not a therapist, nor do I have training as a life coach. I do not have a PhD in psychology. I
More importantly, I learned that the most difficult relationship I had,was the one I had with myself.
The changes I made in my life were incredible and from there, everyone wanted to know how I did it – how I went from the edge of being a relationship mess to someone who is so “out of her Boxx” that she now helps others heal and grow as well.
Actually, I had a rather unusual epiphany that led to my changes. During the middle of my divorce, when I felt so lost and alone, I actually “ran away from home” to live and work in Cozumel, Mexico for the most amazing six months of my life! Not only did I hide and heal, but when vacationing American women befriended me (I was a hotel concierge) and asked me what the heck I was doing there and I told them, they would say, “You’re my hero!” And then they would start telling me their own stories. And guess what? I discovered a pretty strong behavior pattern that sent me researching this phenomenon even more.
Why were there so many unhappy, dissatisfied, miserably frustrated women, I asked myself. I thought I was the only one filled with emotional confusion, low self-esteem issues, and darkly depressed about my relationships. And yet, here I was, surrounded by others in the same boat. I knew I had to heal and help others heal as well. Thus began my journey …
To add to my own experience, I interviewed countless people across the country about their relationships. And I discovered what people will tell a total stranger about their personal lives is absolutely astounding! (Especially when they just get to talk openly and aren’t filling out some limited survey.) Even more interesting is that they told me things that they wouldn’t even tell their therapists! I got information that sometimes confirmed some of what I thought, some that surprised me, and some that downright shocked me. And the two most important pieces I discovered or confirmed were these:
Most of us tend to repeat our relationship patterns and behaviors over and over again, even when they continue to prove unsuccessful.
And just like me, they found that the most difficult relationship that most of us have, is the one we have with ourselves.
Since coming out of the darkness myself, I’ve written four successful relationship books and one novel and have been quoted as a relationship expert in radio, on TV, and in print around the world. I led a support group outside of Denver for people in difficult relationships. I founded and facilitate Denver’s BEST Dating, Mating, and Relating MeetUp Group. I currently write a regular column about “Living out of the Boxx” for two newspapers. (In my book, Get Out of Your Boxx, I define a “boxx” as a behavioral pattern that holds us back from being the best we can be.) I give speeches and workshops to help people discover more about themselves and what they’re missing in life.
With my nursing education and comfort with the human body, I teach people about their sexuality and how to be more comfortable and satisfied with their intimate relationships. My work has been translated into other languages, which is always pretty fun to see. And I’ve won awards for my books and am now writing screenplays to help spread my message to a wider audience.
I’m a different kind of expert … I’m not a therapist, nor do I have training as a life coach. I do not have a PhD in psychology. I
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
August 26, 2015
Beware “bad” narcissists: self-loathing, abusive creatures who, despite craving the admiration and adoration of others, are “unable to love themselves or anyone else.” Those who get involved with such narcissists, says Fay, who has herself survived several, risk entering a vicious cycle of blaming themselves for not doing things “rigperfect partnerht.” Open about her negative personal experiences, she is as predisposed to condemn narcissists as she is to characterize partners who stick around as victims. Fay strikes a decent balance between informing readers of red-flag behaviors and the steps involved in extricating oneself from an unhealthy relationship; this is not intended as an unbiased discussion of Narcissistic Behavioral Disorder. For most self-help collections.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
September 8, 2015
This book changed my life. After years of confusion and several therapists, both couples and personal, that just didn't understand the depths of manipulation and control exerted by my "better half", everything fell into place. It was so validating to have years of mental and emotional abuse called out, even if I had developed effective strategies already. The checklist of symptoms = holy fu**! That's what's going on! Gave me a whole new set of tools for dealing with the insanity that life had become.
That being said, could have edited out many of the examples given; some had me rolling my eyes and wandering if they truly qualified as victims of a narcissist. But who am I to judge? Even if the book could have been better honed, it got its point across and saved me much future anguish. Wish I had read earlier or had had therapists with a clue...
That being said, could have edited out many of the examples given; some had me rolling my eyes and wandering if they truly qualified as victims of a narcissist. But who am I to judge? Even if the book could have been better honed, it got its point across and saved me much future anguish. Wish I had read earlier or had had therapists with a clue...
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May 22, 2015Great book that helps identify the narcissists I have had or have in my life. It explained how to help yourself figure out what is going on and how to get out of the harmful relationship. Obviously there are narcissists in a person's life (ex. boss, family member, instructor) you cannot leave, but at least now that person can be identified and I am able to protect myself from falling down that rabbit hole.
August 19, 2012
This is a "tell it like it is" read about narcissistic individuals and how they typically behave when in relationships.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews