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Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness
Amma, universally known as "The Hugging Saint," went through a two-decade transformation from a simple fisherman's daughter to an international wonder worshiped by millions. Gail "Gayatri" Tredwell was there every step of the way—from early devotee to head female disciple, ever-present personal attendant, handmaiden, whipping post, and unwilling keeper of some devastating secrets.
At age nineteen, when she was a happy-go-lucky, adventurous lass from Australia. Because she became fluent in the Malayalam language and had continual intimate proximity to Amma for twenty years, Tredwell is uniquely capable of portraying this famous woman.
The book evokes the joys of early devotional life and vibrant images of rural India. Through Tredwell's eyes, we watch a modest and traditional ashram metastasize into a business-oriented, bustling, mega-international organization. We also see how such a dizzying rise created vast opportunity for abuse, deceit, and hypocrisy. And, at the end, Gail's flight to a new life.
At age nineteen, when she was a happy-go-lucky, adventurous lass from Australia. Because she became fluent in the Malayalam language and had continual intimate proximity to Amma for twenty years, Tredwell is uniquely capable of portraying this famous woman.
The book evokes the joys of early devotional life and vibrant images of rural India. Through Tredwell's eyes, we watch a modest and traditional ashram metastasize into a business-oriented, bustling, mega-international organization. We also see how such a dizzying rise created vast opportunity for abuse, deceit, and hypocrisy. And, at the end, Gail's flight to a new life.
200 pages, Unknown Binding
First published October 22, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
February 23, 2014
Five stars, not for the quality of the writing, but for the courage required to put such an experience to paper. That is not to say that the writing is poor - it is well above average and I spotted no glaring errors. Her observations of the differences in lifestyle are, at times, humorous to read, and at others, disheartening, especially towards the end of the book, where events take a decidedly darker turn. I must also confess that, being a strong atheist, I felt it quite difficult to empathize whenever the author describes her feelings of spirituality, or closeness with God, which forms the basis for her life in India. I'd also like to note that while my mother, who read this book before I did, expressed mild shock at the revelations about the moral character of 'Amma', I felt nothing of the sort - only some sort of inevitability - of what happens when adulation is showered on a person for no justifiable reason.
April 29, 2014
Mata Amritanandamayi is a household name in Kerala. Her devotees adore her: her detractors hate her: and the general public, even if they hold neutral views, cannot help being overwhelmed by the multimillion dollar industry that she has become: hospitals, engineering colleges, software companies – her empire spans a huge area. Devotees cross the seven seas regularly to sit at her feet; she crosses the seven seas to meet them at their homes across the world. And she hugs all and one who come to her – known as the “Hugging Saint”, she is Amma (“Mother”) to all her devotees.
The rationalists, leftists and radical Islamic groups hate her with a fervour matching the love of the devotees – because Amma is a magnet who is often used by Hindu groups to further their ends, as a “Bhakti” movement is always a potential political goldmine. There have been determined efforts to dethrone her from her lofty perch, allegations of financial and other misdeeds at her ashrams, but so far none have been proven. It is hardly surprising, because in a multicultural democracy where religion is always a touchy subject, no government will foolishly go against such an institution without solid evidence.
So one can imagine all the hell which would have broken loose by the publishing of the potentially incendiary memoir, Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness by Gail Tredwell (aka Gayatri), an Australian national and former devotee and inmate of Amma’s Ashram for twenty years, in which she claims that she was physically and mentally abused and sexually exploited by her so-called guru during her tenure. She also makes serious allegations against the saint like financial misappropriations and sex with many male followers. Kerala has gone into verbal overdrive with shrill accusations from both sides flying across the media and the internet. As with all such cases, there is very little rational analysis of the book since the emotional barometer is near the breaking point.
This is why I decided to read the book, to find out for myself what the hell (!) this was all about.
Read the full review on my BLOG.
The rationalists, leftists and radical Islamic groups hate her with a fervour matching the love of the devotees – because Amma is a magnet who is often used by Hindu groups to further their ends, as a “Bhakti” movement is always a potential political goldmine. There have been determined efforts to dethrone her from her lofty perch, allegations of financial and other misdeeds at her ashrams, but so far none have been proven. It is hardly surprising, because in a multicultural democracy where religion is always a touchy subject, no government will foolishly go against such an institution without solid evidence.
So one can imagine all the hell which would have broken loose by the publishing of the potentially incendiary memoir, Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness by Gail Tredwell (aka Gayatri), an Australian national and former devotee and inmate of Amma’s Ashram for twenty years, in which she claims that she was physically and mentally abused and sexually exploited by her so-called guru during her tenure. She also makes serious allegations against the saint like financial misappropriations and sex with many male followers. Kerala has gone into verbal overdrive with shrill accusations from both sides flying across the media and the internet. As with all such cases, there is very little rational analysis of the book since the emotional barometer is near the breaking point.
This is why I decided to read the book, to find out for myself what the hell (!) this was all about.
Read the full review on my BLOG.
May 28, 2016
This was a fairly quick, engaging read. I gravitate towards spiritual memoirs of this type due to my own experiences with India, dodging the guru bullet and the doubt that lead me to leave my own path after close to 8 years. I appreciate the courage of the author to tell the truth so that others might be spared. It was because of others putting the truth out about another big time female guru that I was able to make an informed choice and just say no. Ammachi is a human being complete with the character flaws, and being subject to the laws of nature and biology that comes with the condition. I could relate to the mind-screw that comes with the teacher student relationship born partly out of one's own neuroses and projections, and partly out of trying to suppress critical thinking when faced with paradoxes and hypocrisy. I applaud the author for being willing to expose the "man behind the curtain" while not downplaying her own behaviors and choices. Well written memoir.
February 23, 2014
" I was more than naive. I was hardworking(workaholic), dedicated (obsessed), determined(stubborn), and physically strong. Just imagine all those qualities teamed with a nice dose of low self-esteem- voila, the perfect "disciple" is born!" This is the most poignant line for me in the book. I started reading the book out of mere curiosity but it turned out to be much more insightful.
March 16, 2014
This book has had mixed reviews in India. The Amrita cult is so powerful that the book is not even available in India (no its not banned by the Govt; but its simply not available in India) I get to read the kindle version of it; and I must say that I for one truly believes in what is written there.
No where on earth can a person of theatrics can achieve so much than in a country like India. Hoards thronging to get a glimpse of such god men and women have always repulsed me to the core. Why are people following such charlatans like rata following the pied piper ? I used to ask myself ! But after reading Holy Hell I get an answer from a person who has undergone the most - looks like all these 'devotees' have a very sensitive mind and heart, which can be easily 'dictated'. I could have never seen myself of anyone of my family members falling prey to such abject rubbish & high handedness on human rights.
If you want to know the truth behind the mutt, you need to read this book. No I am not a Christian, nor am I married to one - lest people judge me on the veracity of my Hindu ideals. I am a practicing Hindu and a proud one at that; and I believe making a mockery of such cultural heritage is nothing but cultural treason.
I just hope and pray that people get to read this book far and wide and understand what happens.
No where on earth can a person of theatrics can achieve so much than in a country like India. Hoards thronging to get a glimpse of such god men and women have always repulsed me to the core. Why are people following such charlatans like rata following the pied piper ? I used to ask myself ! But after reading Holy Hell I get an answer from a person who has undergone the most - looks like all these 'devotees' have a very sensitive mind and heart, which can be easily 'dictated'. I could have never seen myself of anyone of my family members falling prey to such abject rubbish & high handedness on human rights.
If you want to know the truth behind the mutt, you need to read this book. No I am not a Christian, nor am I married to one - lest people judge me on the veracity of my Hindu ideals. I am a practicing Hindu and a proud one at that; and I believe making a mockery of such cultural heritage is nothing but cultural treason.
I just hope and pray that people get to read this book far and wide and understand what happens.
March 16, 2014
An essential reading for every Amma devotee.
It teaches you what would happen if a normal human being sacrifices everything to serve an actor. The actor is more than able to perform the role with panache in front of an audience but the real malignant spirit of the actor can be seen behind the scenes.
Welcome to the backstage.
It teaches you what would happen if a normal human being sacrifices everything to serve an actor. The actor is more than able to perform the role with panache in front of an audience but the real malignant spirit of the actor can be seen behind the scenes.
Welcome to the backstage.
July 28, 2014
The first I heard about this book was when I watched an interview of Gail Tredwell on one of the Malayalam channels. There were the expected shrill and high decibel claims and counter claims from both sides.
My desire to read the book had other personal connections as well. My daughter did her UG course from a fairly prestigious college attached to the Ashram and I have heard similar murmurs about the Ashram and inmates from my husband's cousins who grew up in Vallikavu.
The book is simple in it's narrative and comes across as a honest portrayal of the years spent in Amma's service. I was left with a lingering sense of loss for the years spent by the author in trying to find spiritual peace in serving Amma.
Given the reach of the Ashram and it's devotees, it is not surprising to find that it is not being carried by any of the book stores in the country.
My desire to read the book had other personal connections as well. My daughter did her UG course from a fairly prestigious college attached to the Ashram and I have heard similar murmurs about the Ashram and inmates from my husband's cousins who grew up in Vallikavu.
The book is simple in it's narrative and comes across as a honest portrayal of the years spent in Amma's service. I was left with a lingering sense of loss for the years spent by the author in trying to find spiritual peace in serving Amma.
Given the reach of the Ashram and it's devotees, it is not surprising to find that it is not being carried by any of the book stores in the country.
August 20, 2023
Actual Rating: 4 stars
Net Promoter Score: 9 (Promoter)
She was extremely needy. She expected her every whim to be immediately accommodated. Like a small child she required instant gratification of her physical wants, or else she would fly into a tantrum. But I was blind to the implications of all this. Who was I to judge my guru?
Amma, or Mātā Amritānandamayī is an Indian God woman who rose to fame during the 90s, and today’s runs a conglomerate of educational institutions and hospitals. This book is the memoir of Gail Tredwell, or Gayatri, who was one of the first few disciples to take on the role of her personal attendant.
The book entails the hypocrisy and the horrors the author faced in the ashram, and the narcissistic behaviour of Amma towards the people close to her.
Honestly, I believe the author because of the detailed history and attention to detail that she has exhibited in telling these stories.
What the book actually required was a good editor. It took me 2 months to finish this because of the unrefined writing and pacing which could have been corrected by a good editor.
Another example was Manju, who had lived at the ashram along with her brother, sister, and parents since the very early days. They had sold their family home, donated the proceeds along with most of their life savings, and dedicated their lives to Amma’s service. Fourteen years later Manju’s brother, who was in charge of a branch ashram, phoned Amma to discuss his desire to drop his yellow robes and lead a normal life. She had a fit. After he hung up, she immediately phoned a devotee who was a policeman. That night itself she had the lad forcibly removed. Her reasoning for such swift action was this: if he wasn’t removed immediately, he might try to steal money. So the young lad’s reward for being open and honest with Amma was to be stripped of his robes and dumped on the doorstep of the tiny dwelling where his father lived just outside the ashram compound.
Accusations made by the Gail Tredwell (do not read if you want to read the book and explore Amma’s personality) ——
- Amma is a narcissistic sociopath who knows how to behave in certain situations. Although her vile personality falls through the cracks
- Amma is engaged in sexual relations with her male followers, whom she calls sons
- Amma is a dominant figure who demands attention to herself, and if she feels that she is not getting enough attention, then it’s hell for them. She will start using manipulation tactics and spreading rumours to ensure that her followers banish the concerned individual.
- Amma is a gas lighter who manipulates her disciples and turns them against each other. She is a faux, evil mother figure.
Net Promoter Score: 9 (Promoter)
She was extremely needy. She expected her every whim to be immediately accommodated. Like a small child she required instant gratification of her physical wants, or else she would fly into a tantrum. But I was blind to the implications of all this. Who was I to judge my guru?
Amma, or Mātā Amritānandamayī is an Indian God woman who rose to fame during the 90s, and today’s runs a conglomerate of educational institutions and hospitals. This book is the memoir of Gail Tredwell, or Gayatri, who was one of the first few disciples to take on the role of her personal attendant.
The book entails the hypocrisy and the horrors the author faced in the ashram, and the narcissistic behaviour of Amma towards the people close to her.
Honestly, I believe the author because of the detailed history and attention to detail that she has exhibited in telling these stories.
What the book actually required was a good editor. It took me 2 months to finish this because of the unrefined writing and pacing which could have been corrected by a good editor.
Another example was Manju, who had lived at the ashram along with her brother, sister, and parents since the very early days. They had sold their family home, donated the proceeds along with most of their life savings, and dedicated their lives to Amma’s service. Fourteen years later Manju’s brother, who was in charge of a branch ashram, phoned Amma to discuss his desire to drop his yellow robes and lead a normal life. She had a fit. After he hung up, she immediately phoned a devotee who was a policeman. That night itself she had the lad forcibly removed. Her reasoning for such swift action was this: if he wasn’t removed immediately, he might try to steal money. So the young lad’s reward for being open and honest with Amma was to be stripped of his robes and dumped on the doorstep of the tiny dwelling where his father lived just outside the ashram compound.
Accusations made by the Gail Tredwell (do not read if you want to read the book and explore Amma’s personality) ——
- Amma is a narcissistic sociopath who knows how to behave in certain situations. Although her vile personality falls through the cracks
- Amma is engaged in sexual relations with her male followers, whom she calls sons
- Amma is a dominant figure who demands attention to herself, and if she feels that she is not getting enough attention, then it’s hell for them. She will start using manipulation tactics and spreading rumours to ensure that her followers banish the concerned individual.
- Amma is a gas lighter who manipulates her disciples and turns them against each other. She is a faux, evil mother figure.
May 27, 2014
It's hard to say I loved this book, but it was very good. An inside look at the cult of Amachi, from someone who was with her almost from the beginning. Perhaps more than that, it is the portrait of someone who was a sitting duck for a cult. She walked in to the situation willingly with complete naivete and trust, with her critical thinking skills on hold.
I am a Western follower of an Asian religion, and Asian gurus, so I am not at all hostile to the concept of following a teacher, and yes, even surrendering. But, this is a great cautionary tale for people who are doing the same. Choose well! Investigate the teacher carefully. The glaring question that she never asked was, why is this young Indian woman viewed as a saint? Who determined this? What criteria did they use? What training has she had in her spiritual path? What is her lineage? Who was her teacher? On and on.
I know some of my friends are fond of Amachi, so I feel a bit guilty writing this review of book that details the bullshit that her family and followers propagate about her in order to entrance potential followers. I'm sorry to have to say this, But, I think people considering getting involved with this creepy group should read this book.
I am a Western follower of an Asian religion, and Asian gurus, so I am not at all hostile to the concept of following a teacher, and yes, even surrendering. But, this is a great cautionary tale for people who are doing the same. Choose well! Investigate the teacher carefully. The glaring question that she never asked was, why is this young Indian woman viewed as a saint? Who determined this? What criteria did they use? What training has she had in her spiritual path? What is her lineage? Who was her teacher? On and on.
I know some of my friends are fond of Amachi, so I feel a bit guilty writing this review of book that details the bullshit that her family and followers propagate about her in order to entrance potential followers. I'm sorry to have to say this, But, I think people considering getting involved with this creepy group should read this book.
February 19, 2014
First of all thanks for sharing your dreadful experience with us .I always feel very bad when see people worship these type of living God . You don't need to be brilliant to identify these living God's.
You have shared your experience with us , why can't you file a case against this lady and the man who raped you ? Now people is saying it's all false story , If you make a complaint, at least police will enquire about this and if its true they will shut down this place
Please send a compliant to the address below , they will do the rest .
1 (ADGP Crimes) adgpcrimes.pol@kerala.gov.in
2 (IGP Crimes) igpcrimes.pol@kerala.gov.in
3 (DIG Crimes SCR) digcrimescr.pol@kerala.gov.in
4 (DIG Crimes SSR) digcrimessr.pol@kerala.gov.in
5 (DIG OCW CBCID) digocwcsocbc.pol@kerala.gov.in
You have shared your experience with us , why can't you file a case against this lady and the man who raped you ? Now people is saying it's all false story , If you make a complaint, at least police will enquire about this and if its true they will shut down this place
Please send a compliant to the address below , they will do the rest .
1 (ADGP Crimes) adgpcrimes.pol@kerala.gov.in
2 (IGP Crimes) igpcrimes.pol@kerala.gov.in
3 (DIG Crimes SCR) digcrimescr.pol@kerala.gov.in
4 (DIG Crimes SSR) digcrimessr.pol@kerala.gov.in
5 (DIG OCW CBCID) digocwcsocbc.pol@kerala.gov.in
May 29, 2014
Daring! This is a triumph of pretension over lucidity.
The plot, such as I could decipher it, is that an unfortunate young woman, Gayathri (Gail Tredwell), gets pulled into unconsciousness and has a subconscious sense of spirituality forced down her throat. It seems to make her hypnotically suggestible, during which time her mainly unseen assaulter runs her thru a series of odd exercises for Amma. Gradually she seems to return to normal, but by then she's been missing from the parallel world and her credits is completely shot, so she loses her 20 years of normal living.
The plot, such as I could decipher it, is that an unfortunate young woman, Gayathri (Gail Tredwell), gets pulled into unconsciousness and has a subconscious sense of spirituality forced down her throat. It seems to make her hypnotically suggestible, during which time her mainly unseen assaulter runs her thru a series of odd exercises for Amma. Gradually she seems to return to normal, but by then she's been missing from the parallel world and her credits is completely shot, so she loses her 20 years of normal living.
August 11, 2016
I cannot write a review of this book without praising her courage. Some parts of this book were extremely shocking; no wonder why this book is not easily available in India. I grew up watching people worshiping Matha Amrithananda Mayi as an avatar. I was never a believer of human gods and always maintain a neutral view. This book creates a shock wave in India and attracted the attention of news world so easily. But somehow they suppress the discussions with their power. I pity those people who not even caring to read the book and driven by their blind faith.
September 18, 2018
This book only deserves 5 stars. Gail is an amazing writer, a courageous spirit, a moral inspiration, and her journey of recovering from codependency and finding her own truth has been life changing to read.
March 8, 2014
Quick, engaging read. I would give 5 stars simply for the brave effort that this book is.
March 5, 2014
I got interested in this book when it was all over the newspaper, as an indictment of Matha Amrithananda Mayi.She is one of the popular God Women of Kerala,with considerable following around the world.But the moment you start reading the book,you are sucked into it's simple narrative style,about a young innocent lady trying to find meaning in life.Gail Tredwell was only 19 yrs old when she came to India with her boyfriend at the end of 1970's.But she decides to stay on despising her empty western life style even though her boyfriend leaves her.With one of the tourists she met along the journey,she travels to Tamil Nadu.There she travels to Tiruvannamalai and gets into one of the Ashram and starts meditation and Yoga.It is during the stay there she finds about Amma from a person who is devotee of her.She is immediately drawn to Her and travels to the native place of Amma.This was about 30 years back when Amma's activities where known only to local neighbourhood.Amma is known to emulate Krishna Bhava at evening and gives blessings to her devotees.When Tredwell reaches there,the facilities over there were rudimentary.She finds it hard to accomodate to the simple living in Amma's place.She convinces Amma to keep her as her assistant and thus starts her journey under Amma.It is during early times she has an authentic spiritual experience unlike anything she experienced in her life.She traces the humble beginnings, then the gradual expansion to big Spiritual empire as accurate as possible.Greed for Money and Sexual Affairs are rampant in the Ashram with Amma the main culprit.Amma's pleasant demeanour in front of public is exact opposite of how she behaves with her close cotery especially women.They are verbally abused for the smallest of mistakes. Money is swindled to support her family and Gail Tredwell becomes a conduit in that.She is even sexually abused by a Senior Sanyasi in the Ashram named Balu who has an affair with Amma herself.Even under all this adverse circumstances, Gail tries her best to rationalize everything hoping being obedient to Amma is a duty to Guru and will bring her close to God.Gradually she cant stand the contradictions of Amma and overcomes the mental hurdles to run out of the Ashram and reclaim her life.This is a brave story which took her 15 years after her escape from Ashram to publish indicating the mental torture she must have undergone over there.She is very forthright in her account of the story without being overtly judgemental.This a cautious tale against all kinds of fraudsters who profits from spiritiality and suppressing bodily instincts doesn't equal spirituality .
February 22, 2014
Decently written. A page-turner because of the explosive details that it reveals. As for the authenticity of the details given, I'm no one to comment. As someone who has been exposed to 'Amma' very less, I'm not sure I believe in her and hence, it's easier for me to read this book with an unbiased mind. It does feel on occasions that the author had a slightly unhealthy obsession towards 'Amma' - but then that must be true for her numerous devotees too.
To be honest, I'm more amused by the fact that people are so affected by this book because it reveal some inconsistencies in the sexual (or should I say, the claimed lack of it) nature of 'Amma' rather than her lack of spiritual supremacy and financial corruption. Human nature, I guess!
To be honest, I'm more amused by the fact that people are so affected by this book because it reveal some inconsistencies in the sexual (or should I say, the claimed lack of it) nature of 'Amma' rather than her lack of spiritual supremacy and financial corruption. Human nature, I guess!
February 27, 2014
It may be shocking for devotees but a convincing one for others.... It's a fine thesis on how all the belief systems prevalent in our society are being shaped and designed and why the custodians of these always go mad when some one asks a question or points a finger at. . . and more!
March 10, 2014
A must read book for anyone involved in or thinking of becoming involved in a guru-disciple relationship. A memoir written by a follower of Amritanandamayi. She was as close to a guru as anyone could be and she exposes the truth about that organization and it's guru.
June 18, 2019
An interesting account of not just someone who happened to directly experience abuse at the hands of a guru and their organisation but someone who had been their personal servant of Guru from the time they were still relatively obscure right up to when their organisation was becoming an international body with assets in the 10s if not hundreds of millions. All the more special in that authors background makes it all the more accessible to western readers.
It really does show the complexity and contradictions that people in physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationships/conditions experience, and why its not an easy matter for people experiencing them to just leave. It also shows the kind of corruption and transformation that takes place in a person who is treated with a divine reverence and whose every action is by definition good.
Importantly it also provides an insight which even if not academic shows the huge dangers that come with a spirituality whose entire fulfillment is contingent on the whims and appeasement of a single person.
tldr: Not your usual "westerner experiments with eastern faith - disastrous results ensue" story
It really does show the complexity and contradictions that people in physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationships/conditions experience, and why its not an easy matter for people experiencing them to just leave. It also shows the kind of corruption and transformation that takes place in a person who is treated with a divine reverence and whose every action is by definition good.
Importantly it also provides an insight which even if not academic shows the huge dangers that come with a spirituality whose entire fulfillment is contingent on the whims and appeasement of a single person.
tldr: Not your usual "westerner experiments with eastern faith - disastrous results ensue" story
March 18, 2014
Excerpts from the book:
My dream of finding and serving a guru had come true. But I was more than naïve. I was hardworking (workaholic), dedicated (obsessed), determined (stubborn), and physically strong. Just imagine all those qualities teamed with a nice dose of low self-esteem—voila, the perfect “disciple” is born!
--------
Surrender of one’s will to a master is common among Eastern religions and is believed to lead the individual to “absolute” freedom. Hinduism in particular is saturated with tales of extreme tests and cruel treatment inflicted by gurus upon their disciples in order to measure their faith, strength, and commitment. The story goes that if these tests are passed, the guru, through divine power and grace, then bestows the disciple with illumination. Supposedly a genuine guru can do no wrong. All his or her actions, no matter how strange or extreme, are performed only for the highest good of the disciples. Over the ages this belief system has been exploited by many charlatan gurus who have subjected their disciples to tests and demands of absolute obedience, yet have not possessed the power to bestow any such form of grace in return.
--------
Like many gurus, Amma also encouraged and relied heavily upon the rationalization of her behavior by her followers. This support gave her the ability to do whatever she pleased. If she made a prediction that turned out to be a dud, she was merely testing your faith. If she did or said something you couldn’t understand, she was merely working on you, trying to crush your ego. If she acted cruelly, she was merely destroying your sins, eliminating some bad karma. Just about anything and everything could be rationalized in this way.
--------
I offer my story with the sincere hope that it will illustrate to spiritual seekers the downside of blind faith, and that surrender to a guru/teacher is sometimes mind control in disguise.
My dream of finding and serving a guru had come true. But I was more than naïve. I was hardworking (workaholic), dedicated (obsessed), determined (stubborn), and physically strong. Just imagine all those qualities teamed with a nice dose of low self-esteem—voila, the perfect “disciple” is born!
--------
Surrender of one’s will to a master is common among Eastern religions and is believed to lead the individual to “absolute” freedom. Hinduism in particular is saturated with tales of extreme tests and cruel treatment inflicted by gurus upon their disciples in order to measure their faith, strength, and commitment. The story goes that if these tests are passed, the guru, through divine power and grace, then bestows the disciple with illumination. Supposedly a genuine guru can do no wrong. All his or her actions, no matter how strange or extreme, are performed only for the highest good of the disciples. Over the ages this belief system has been exploited by many charlatan gurus who have subjected their disciples to tests and demands of absolute obedience, yet have not possessed the power to bestow any such form of grace in return.
--------
Like many gurus, Amma also encouraged and relied heavily upon the rationalization of her behavior by her followers. This support gave her the ability to do whatever she pleased. If she made a prediction that turned out to be a dud, she was merely testing your faith. If she did or said something you couldn’t understand, she was merely working on you, trying to crush your ego. If she acted cruelly, she was merely destroying your sins, eliminating some bad karma. Just about anything and everything could be rationalized in this way.
--------
I offer my story with the sincere hope that it will illustrate to spiritual seekers the downside of blind faith, and that surrender to a guru/teacher is sometimes mind control in disguise.
September 25, 2018
Enlightening and quite helpful in the teachings that this book shares with especially women on deciding for yourself what you will or not will put up with. The only real authority is love and compassion, settle for nothing less. The writing is nothing less than perfect.
When you surrender, you are surrendering to Loves presence, not a person who is separate from this. If you are attached to the person, you will eventually have to let that attachment go. Oneness with Loves presence is the goal at all times. Fear and anger will disappear when you return to that state of being that is all encompassing. When you serve you are serving that state of being in the one Guru or Teacher so they can lift you out of that sense of separation you have with everyone. The everyone out there becomes the one presence within and without. You outgrow the need for the Guru or Teacher when you become that. And you learn to serve the Guru or Teacher or God or Good in everyone.
Regardless of the mistakes we are all capable of in our humanness, offer innocence to everyone to keep innocence yourself. We have the choice always, to live in eternal presence, or the hell of duality and separateness. As Nelson Mandela said, “I never lose, I only win or learn.” Learning can take lifetimes.
When you surrender, you are surrendering to Loves presence, not a person who is separate from this. If you are attached to the person, you will eventually have to let that attachment go. Oneness with Loves presence is the goal at all times. Fear and anger will disappear when you return to that state of being that is all encompassing. When you serve you are serving that state of being in the one Guru or Teacher so they can lift you out of that sense of separation you have with everyone. The everyone out there becomes the one presence within and without. You outgrow the need for the Guru or Teacher when you become that. And you learn to serve the Guru or Teacher or God or Good in everyone.
Regardless of the mistakes we are all capable of in our humanness, offer innocence to everyone to keep innocence yourself. We have the choice always, to live in eternal presence, or the hell of duality and separateness. As Nelson Mandela said, “I never lose, I only win or learn.” Learning can take lifetimes.
March 4, 2014
Good Gracious Holy Hell!!!
The book says everything mentioned in there has been described to the best of her memory. Primarily I was wondering why she took about 20 years to leave the place. Any normal person would have left earlier.
There has been a lot of questions raised regarding the authenticity of the incidents, what ever that may be, one thing I'm really convinced about is that she so knew the regional language. So well that she could figure out structural nuances in the Malayalam words.
The book is not literary piece of work, rather, if true to every detail, a shocking revelation of ever expanding god-woman empire .
The book says everything mentioned in there has been described to the best of her memory. Primarily I was wondering why she took about 20 years to leave the place. Any normal person would have left earlier.
There has been a lot of questions raised regarding the authenticity of the incidents, what ever that may be, one thing I'm really convinced about is that she so knew the regional language. So well that she could figure out structural nuances in the Malayalam words.
The book is not literary piece of work, rather, if true to every detail, a shocking revelation of ever expanding god-woman empire .
February 23, 2019
This book is spot on. Amma is the complete opposite of what she pretends to be. She is violent and ruthless, concerned only with money and power. One need only look at her closest disciples too see the arrogance and depravity she creates. Her empire is worth billions and she donates a maybe a few million a year to charity, while her cameras roll. She is the biggest crook the world has ever seen. But all will be revealed. Her miserable facade will come to light and all the tragic westerners who follow her will be forced to wake up and realize they were conned and that all their doubts were true. Truth cannot be silenced.
December 13, 2020
One thing this account shows you is how people are susceptible to treachery, exploitation and abuse all in the name of spirituality and faith if those are the fairy tales that everyone else around you is also chanting. It was indeed eye opening to read such an account from someone, who as per her own account, was closely associated with the godwoman from a very young age itself.
July 26, 2018
From Amma to God?
I am so glad she got out of the cult. The book was well written and held my interest until the end but I was disappointed and felt she really missed finding the true God and peace she was really searching for.
I am so glad she got out of the cult. The book was well written and held my interest until the end but I was disappointed and felt she really missed finding the true God and peace she was really searching for.
June 13, 2018
Welp, knock Amma off the guru list.
October 11, 2018
Great one
May 9, 2023
"Basically, Amma used fear tactics to manipulate, control, and protect her flock. Like many gurus, Amma also encouraged and relied heavily upon the rationalization of her behavior by her followers. This support gave her the ability to do whatever she pleased. If she made a prediction that turned out to be a dud, she was merely testing your faith. If she did or said something you couldn't understand, she was merely working on you, trying to crush your ego. If she acted cruelly, she was merely destroying your sins, eliminating some bad karma. Just about anything and everything could be rationalized in this way. If for some reason you were still left scratching your head, then the grandiose excuse to snuff out any remaining doubt was that Amma's ways are so mysterious. In this way she had a perpetual Monopoly-game get-out-of-jail-free card."
"I began to see her as someone who exploits people's inherent desire to belong, to be loved, to find meaning in life, while she behaves like some kind of dictator claiming to be God, not requiring any learning or improvement. Do I have all the answers? No, and I probably never will. I have come to accept the fact that Amma is a complex fusion of character and color--just like every single human being on earth. She is a person who, in her humanity, has been influenced by her upbringing, her social and economical environment, and her culture. She is a riddle I do not need to solve."
"In the end, I did not find God, but I did find myself. And I thank God for that."
It takes a lot of courage to write a book like this.
This was my second read-through. The first was a few months after leaving a ridiculously similar cult, when Gail Tredwell's book helped me come to terms with and make sense of my experience, the same way she tells us other books were a vital part of her healing after her escape. The described manipulation and abuse tactics, as well as the narcissist behavior on the part of the leader, are eerily similar to what I witnessed - it's both frustrating and comforting. But in the end, it's a hopeful book.
I'm happy Gail won her life back, put an end to her abuse, and used her story to shine light on this delicate topic.
"I began to see her as someone who exploits people's inherent desire to belong, to be loved, to find meaning in life, while she behaves like some kind of dictator claiming to be God, not requiring any learning or improvement. Do I have all the answers? No, and I probably never will. I have come to accept the fact that Amma is a complex fusion of character and color--just like every single human being on earth. She is a person who, in her humanity, has been influenced by her upbringing, her social and economical environment, and her culture. She is a riddle I do not need to solve."
"In the end, I did not find God, but I did find myself. And I thank God for that."
It takes a lot of courage to write a book like this.
This was my second read-through. The first was a few months after leaving a ridiculously similar cult, when Gail Tredwell's book helped me come to terms with and make sense of my experience, the same way she tells us other books were a vital part of her healing after her escape. The described manipulation and abuse tactics, as well as the narcissist behavior on the part of the leader, are eerily similar to what I witnessed - it's both frustrating and comforting. But in the end, it's a hopeful book.
I'm happy Gail won her life back, put an end to her abuse, and used her story to shine light on this delicate topic.
August 14, 2022
The writing is not so stellar.
BUT
I respect the honesty because after living in Ammas asrams for 13 years.
I encountered as first and secondhand witness, extrem similar patterns of abusive power, violence, money-greed and partiality towards the rich, famous and outward appearances!!
95% of the revelations I already knew or concluded or got told first or second hand.
Except with the sex, which I don't know. But after all the things I experienced their, is find not unrealistic!
Our local Amma Swami, had regularly new fresh asram boys sleep with him in the same room. And from one I knew personally, that swamiji financed his whole comoany, after he left the asram.
Whatever-I give a sh.. t if they are all humping around.
My personal knowledge is still, that Amma is a great Master!
But
thar she is a lousy teacher!
And
that Ammas psychology /personality is a disaster-zone.
Definitely on a highly functional and very successful level. But a desaster. After she leaves her body, that messy steam of an organization will come slowly apart at the seams, or maybe even a lot faster!
Abuse, physical, psychological, brutality, money, greed, powerhunger, lying
are not spiritual qualities. Even if they are in Indian asram culture extremely common. But other spiritual traditions are the same or much worse, anywhere on this planet.
BUT
I respect the honesty because after living in Ammas asrams for 13 years.
I encountered as first and secondhand witness, extrem similar patterns of abusive power, violence, money-greed and partiality towards the rich, famous and outward appearances!!
95% of the revelations I already knew or concluded or got told first or second hand.
Except with the sex, which I don't know. But after all the things I experienced their, is find not unrealistic!
Our local Amma Swami, had regularly new fresh asram boys sleep with him in the same room. And from one I knew personally, that swamiji financed his whole comoany, after he left the asram.
Whatever-I give a sh.. t if they are all humping around.
My personal knowledge is still, that Amma is a great Master!
But
thar she is a lousy teacher!
And
that Ammas psychology /personality is a disaster-zone.
Definitely on a highly functional and very successful level. But a desaster. After she leaves her body, that messy steam of an organization will come slowly apart at the seams, or maybe even a lot faster!
Abuse, physical, psychological, brutality, money, greed, powerhunger, lying
are not spiritual qualities. Even if they are in Indian asram culture extremely common. But other spiritual traditions are the same or much worse, anywhere on this planet.
June 29, 2022
Sometimes it takes tremendous courage to break ourselves from our comfort zone or a negative feedback loop which has been haunting us for a long time. The authors experience of breaking her own comfort zone to seek a more authentic and meaningful life is inspiring!
There is a wise saying 'Trust a man who says god is present or absent, but never trust a man who says he is God'. The authors journey of search for spirituality and meaning in life lead to her, finding her guru who turned out to be her demon. Throughout the book, I felt at many places the cultural differences between western and eastern societies were misunderstood by the author which may have played a role in her experience. The book also reaffirms a belief that a person can find meaning/purpose to life in one's own surrounding, just that sometimes we will have to look around closely!
There is a wise saying 'Trust a man who says god is present or absent, but never trust a man who says he is God'. The authors journey of search for spirituality and meaning in life lead to her, finding her guru who turned out to be her demon. Throughout the book, I felt at many places the cultural differences between western and eastern societies were misunderstood by the author which may have played a role in her experience. The book also reaffirms a belief that a person can find meaning/purpose to life in one's own surrounding, just that sometimes we will have to look around closely!
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