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Bill Nye's History of England from the Druids to the Reign of Henry VIII
In those days agriculture, trade, and manufacturing were diversions during the summer months; but the regular business of life was warfare with the Danes, Scots, and Welsh. These foes of England could live easily for years on oatmeal, sour milk, and cod's heads, while the fighting clothes of a whole regiment would have been a scant wardrobe for the Greek Slave, and after two centuries of almost uninterrupted carnage their war debt was only a trifle over eight dollars. -from "The Troublous Middle Ages"
One of the most beloved humorists of the late 19th century, Bill Nye was forced, by his untimely death, to leave unfinished his twisted history of England. But though he was able to tweak the Brits only through the era of King Henry VIII, this 1896 book is nevertheless a classic of historical satire, one that will delight fans of such works as 1066 and All That.
Profusely illustrated by the witty cartoons of W. M. Goodes and A. M. Richards, Nye's cheeky humor as he rampages through the storied past of the Sceptred Isle is as clever as it is wily, demonstrating a shrewd understanding of human nature as the driving force of history.
- GenresHistoryHumorNonfiction
195 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1896
13 people are currently reading
162 people want to read
About the author
Bill Nye
46 books53 followersNB: This is not Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Edgar Wilson Nye, an American humorist, also the founded and edited the Laramie Boomerang.
The Boomerang was founded while Nye served as the postmaster of Laramie, Wyoming Territory. It launched him to national fame, gaining subscribers in every state and some foreign countries. His humor was uniquely American.
(wikipedia)
Edgar Wilson Nye, an American humorist, also the founded and edited the Laramie Boomerang.
The Boomerang was founded while Nye served as the postmaster of Laramie, Wyoming Territory. It launched him to national fame, gaining subscribers in every state and some foreign countries. His humor was uniquely American.
(wikipedia)
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
September 24, 2020
Pretty funny :)
That crisp, classy, sardonic British wit...
Quips :
-------
“These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from that, they had no good points.”
“The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the winter.”
“They believed in human sacrifice… On Giblet Day people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few cutlets of intimate friends.”
“Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans… that she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in comfortably and not tight under the arms…”
“Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.”
“Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the roast pig and the pork pie.”
“January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, which had just been enclosed and the roof put on.”
“The rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry… adorned the walls and prevented ventilation.”
“A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it…”
“St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now remind one strangely of human beings.”
“William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign.”
“He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted by his followers, who took such clothing as fitted them best, and would have pawned the throne had it not been out of style and unavailable for that purpose, beside being secured to the castle.”
“To be a relative of the king in those good old days was generally fatal. Let us rejoice that times have so greatly improved, and that the wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gingerly upon his bomb-infested throne.”
“History holds but few such characters as John, who was not successful even in crime.”
“Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and boneless coward, and being entirely free from the milk of human kindness or bowels of compassion, his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned for by scientists long before he decided to abandon them.”
“… Louis of France, who also wished to go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low Jewish clothing market.”
“Edward did not hurry home as some would have done, but sent word to have his father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and remained over a year in Italy and France.”
“Wales having been annexed to the crown, Edward's son was vested with its government, and the heir-apparent has ever since been called the Prince of Wales. It is a good position, but becomes irksome after 50 or 60 years, it is said.”
“... Gunpowder was discovered by Roger Bacon, whereby Guy Fawkes was made possible. Without him England would still be a slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time.”
“Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who might have succeeded in a minor position on a hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the king business.”
“… Edward III was crowned at 14 and married at 15… Princes in those days were affianced as soon as they were weighed, and married before they got their eyes open, though even yet there are many people who do not get their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward married Philippa… to whom he had been engaged while teething.”
“The next year the Black Prince sent 12,000 men into the heart of France, where they met an army of 60,000, and the English general offered all his conquests cheerfully to John for the privilege of returning to England; but John overstepped himself by demanding an unconditional surrender, and a battle followed in which the French were whipped out of their boots and the king captured. We should learn from this to know when we have enough.”
“Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where he was in constant danger of falling off, and after living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted and took up his quarters in the Tower, where he died of starvation in 1400. Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture of a king crying for bread, yet willing to compromise on tarts.”
“Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having too good an education. Scientists in those days always ran the risk of being surprised, and more than one discoverer wound up by discovering himself in jail.”
“No two authors spelled alike at that time, however, and the literature of the day was characterized by the most startling originality along that line.”
“… Lambert was not made of the material generally used in the construction of great men, and, though he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl of Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first battle closed the comedy…”
“Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty and horrors, but because it was expensive. He was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and often averted war in order to prevent the wear and tear on the cannon.”
“… John and Sebastian Cabot were fitted out and discovered North America in 1497, which paved the way for the subsequent depopulation of Africa, Italy, and Ireland.”
“Charles V of Spain… in 1520… became the greatest power in the civilized world. It is hard to believe in the 19th or 20th century that Spain ever had any influence with anybody of sound mind…”
.
That crisp, classy, sardonic British wit...
Quips :
-------
“These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from that, they had no good points.”
“The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the winter.”
“They believed in human sacrifice… On Giblet Day people came for many miles to see the exercises and carry home a few cutlets of intimate friends.”
“Queen Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans… that she got her Britons together, had a steel dress made to fight in comfortably and not tight under the arms…”
“Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our ancestors, whose lives were marked by an eternal combat between malignant alcoholism and trichinosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.”
“Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 1042 A.D. died at a nuptial banquet, and cast a gloom over the whole thing. In those times it was a common thing for the king or some of the nobility to die between the roast pig and the pork pie.”
“January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried in Westminster Abbey, which had just been enclosed and the roof put on.”
“The rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on the floor, which were changed every few weeks. Beautiful tapestry… adorned the walls and prevented ventilation.”
“A pane of glass indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl cleaning the window with alcohol by breathing heavily upon it…”
“St. Dunstan was quite an artist, and painted portraits which even now remind one strangely of human beings.”
“William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign.”
“He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted by his followers, who took such clothing as fitted them best, and would have pawned the throne had it not been out of style and unavailable for that purpose, beside being secured to the castle.”
“To be a relative of the king in those good old days was generally fatal. Let us rejoice that times have so greatly improved, and that the wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gingerly upon his bomb-infested throne.”
“History holds but few such characters as John, who was not successful even in crime.”
“Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and boneless coward, and being entirely free from the milk of human kindness or bowels of compassion, his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned for by scientists long before he decided to abandon them.”
“… Louis of France, who also wished to go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low Jewish clothing market.”
“Edward did not hurry home as some would have done, but sent word to have his father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and remained over a year in Italy and France.”
“Wales having been annexed to the crown, Edward's son was vested with its government, and the heir-apparent has ever since been called the Prince of Wales. It is a good position, but becomes irksome after 50 or 60 years, it is said.”
“... Gunpowder was discovered by Roger Bacon, whereby Guy Fawkes was made possible. Without him England would still be a slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time.”
“Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who might have succeeded in a minor position on a hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the king business.”
“… Edward III was crowned at 14 and married at 15… Princes in those days were affianced as soon as they were weighed, and married before they got their eyes open, though even yet there are many people who do not get their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward married Philippa… to whom he had been engaged while teething.”
“The next year the Black Prince sent 12,000 men into the heart of France, where they met an army of 60,000, and the English general offered all his conquests cheerfully to John for the privilege of returning to England; but John overstepped himself by demanding an unconditional surrender, and a battle followed in which the French were whipped out of their boots and the king captured. We should learn from this to know when we have enough.”
“Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where he was in constant danger of falling off, and after living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted and took up his quarters in the Tower, where he died of starvation in 1400. Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture of a king crying for bread, yet willing to compromise on tarts.”
“Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having too good an education. Scientists in those days always ran the risk of being surprised, and more than one discoverer wound up by discovering himself in jail.”
“No two authors spelled alike at that time, however, and the literature of the day was characterized by the most startling originality along that line.”
“… Lambert was not made of the material generally used in the construction of great men, and, though he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl of Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first battle closed the comedy…”
“Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty and horrors, but because it was expensive. He was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and often averted war in order to prevent the wear and tear on the cannon.”
“… John and Sebastian Cabot were fitted out and discovered North America in 1497, which paved the way for the subsequent depopulation of Africa, Italy, and Ireland.”
“Charles V of Spain… in 1520… became the greatest power in the civilized world. It is hard to believe in the 19th or 20th century that Spain ever had any influence with anybody of sound mind…”
.
April 25, 2017
The text is amusing and clever. Harold did not merely die at the battle of Hastings, he "abandoned the fight in order to investigate the surprises of a future state."
On William the Conquerer:
"William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign."
On the common people:
"The common people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the close of life... they might contribute to the fertility of the royal vegetable garden."
On serfdom:
"A serf was required to be at hand night or day when the baron needed someone to kick."
The illustrations are masterpieces of comic art; I bought this book for the pictures. The facts and dates are valid and the chronology and major characters are real, but don't take this book too seriously. There are so many characters it is hard to tell them apart. A royal blur of Edwards, Henrys, Williams, etc., over 1,500 years of British history, from Julius Caesar to Henry VIII. Not recommended for serious scholars, but can be fun if you are in the mood.
On William the Conquerer:
"William's death was one of the most attractive features of his reign."
On the common people:
"The common people were cheerily permitted the use of what atmosphere they needed for breathing purposes, on their solemn promise to return it, and at the close of life... they might contribute to the fertility of the royal vegetable garden."
On serfdom:
"A serf was required to be at hand night or day when the baron needed someone to kick."
The illustrations are masterpieces of comic art; I bought this book for the pictures. The facts and dates are valid and the chronology and major characters are real, but don't take this book too seriously. There are so many characters it is hard to tell them apart. A royal blur of Edwards, Henrys, Williams, etc., over 1,500 years of British history, from Julius Caesar to Henry VIII. Not recommended for serious scholars, but can be fun if you are in the mood.
August 3, 2023
I listened to the free Librivox recording of this on Google Podcasts not realizing what it was exactly. I at first thought Bill Nye the science guy wrote a comic history of England. About halfway through, I started to seriously question this, and imagine my surprise after some Googling when I found out that the Bill Nye who wrote this was actually Edgar Wilson Nye, a journalist and humorist who died in 1896!
It was interesting but a bit hard for me to catch some of the humor. I did get something of a very high flyover of English history. I likely would have enjoyed it more if I had a better idea of what I was reading going into it!
It was interesting but a bit hard for me to catch some of the humor. I did get something of a very high flyover of English history. I likely would have enjoyed it more if I had a better idea of what I was reading going into it!
August 26, 2019
I think I laughed about once. The comedy, in my opinion, hasn't aged well. I listened to this on audio (Librivox) and actually, the funniest part was that the readers themselves laughed sometimes. Wish I could have been more into the jokes like they were.
August 20, 2011
Hlarious bit historical comedy no doubt a literary precursor to Mel Brook's History of the World Part I. Worth the read and worth the Librivox listen.
September 17, 2017
This is a very superficial and silly survey of the history of England from the Roman occupation to the reign of Elizabeth, the last monarch of England before it became the United Kingdom under her nephew James I. While I didn't find it laugh out loud funny, it is full of absurd references, ironic metaphors and word play.
While I found this an enjoyable diversion, I have both an undergraduate and master's degree in the study of History and have read expansively on English history. I one is familiar with the real history, Nye's spin will be very amusing. Otherwise, it is written to sound like a real history and might just be confusing.
So, fun read for English history buffs. Civilians might need to trudge through some serious history before delighting in this work of inside jokes and witticisms.
While I found this an enjoyable diversion, I have both an undergraduate and master's degree in the study of History and have read expansively on English history. I one is familiar with the real history, Nye's spin will be very amusing. Otherwise, it is written to sound like a real history and might just be confusing.
So, fun read for English history buffs. Civilians might need to trudge through some serious history before delighting in this work of inside jokes and witticisms.
May 24, 2020
Bill Nye (not the science guy) conducts a "humorous" tour through the history of England. A lot of the humor was funny 100 years ago, and much of the content was culturally relevant at the time of writing, which means I didn't get it, or did but didn't find it funny. Still, there are a few zingers here to add to my commonplace book.
April 20, 2018
Very funny interpretation of British history from a "modern" (1906) point of view. It had me grinning to myself quite a bit. However, it is necessary to have a pretty good idea of British history to understand the witticisms.
September 20, 2024
Full of lots of great little quips! Don’t know how much it serves to be educational, though, and it was a bit hard to follow some of them as I am fairly certain there were some *deep* cuts in there. Still, a fun read.
(1/10 no science guy)
(1/10 no science guy)
March 16, 2017
Not the real Bill Nye
October 5, 2018
All history books should be written like this, this is hilarious!
December 1, 2020
Pretty funny 😁
February 15, 2024
I greatly enjoyed the history! The dry, British, dad-joke humor got grating, after a few chapters.
February 19, 2016
This 1896 history of Britain, told tongue-in-cheek. 'These early Britons were suitable only as ancestors. Aside from that, they had no good points.' That's typical of the writing. As you read more of the first section you'll probably burst out laughing, it's written so comically.
'The Irish...used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland.'
'Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.'
Writing about the Saxons in the late 800's: 'Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end...Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names of their new post-office addresses.
The book continues in this vein up through the early part of the reign of Henry VIII. The author died before being able to finish it.
'The Irish...used to invade Constantine's territory, getting him up at all hours of the night and demanding that he should free Ireland.'
'Many a Saxon would have filled a drunkard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he walked past it and missed it.'
Writing about the Saxons in the late 800's: 'Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end...Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names of their new post-office addresses.
The book continues in this vein up through the early part of the reign of Henry VIII. The author died before being able to finish it.
August 3, 2011
The historical, educational content of this book is first class, albeit told in rather brief highlights, mainly concerning monarchs and major battles. The comedic element however is rather wearisome, alternating between weak and mildly snide. The real problem for me, reading the Kindle version, was that all of the many illustrations were missing, and halfway through Henry VIII, the book suddenly ended, despite mention of Guy Fawkes later in the omitted illustrations. Maybe a complete paper version would be worth another half a star or so, but for me it was a 3/5.
December 3, 2012
Besides several obvious historical errors, the purported humor is mainly absent, and the history if England ends during the early reign of Henry VIII due to Bill Nye's death while working on this project.
January 13, 2015
Exactly what you would expect from Nye. Laughed aloud several times. Admittedly, there is little humor without first indulging yourself in the historical and literary paradigm in which this is written.
October 27, 2009
Fun and informative. The tongue in cheek editorials makes this delightful. Too bad he died before finishing it.
August 16, 2012
Well, I liked it, but you really need to know history to get the jokes.
I listened to the Librivox edition.
I listened to the Librivox edition.
January 22, 2014
Personally I found it was not very funny and not very accurate either. Others may enjoy it but I'm afraid I gave up after a while in exasperation.
April 20, 2017
This short work gives, I think, a realistic perspective on human history. It is also very sarcastically funny. ***Note: Not written by Bill Nye The Science Guy.
September 17, 2014
My new Bible.
October 6, 2014
I found it mediocre, I am not sure if it's because it states it's funny before hand but I found this satire fell flat.
October 25, 2015
Wish my history classes had been more like this.
November 22, 2021
FYI, this is NOT Bill Nye the Science Guy. My only disappointment in reading this book is that mister Nye became ill and died before he could finish the book.
July 20, 2010
Loads of puns, and lots of tongue in cheek comments about English History. It was fun!
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews