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Blue Christmas Balls
One man. Three women. Twelve days to achieve Yuletide sexual glory!
Christmas is coming and Matt Bunion is on a mission. Somehow, he's made the huge mistake of remaining a virgin well into his twenties - a grievous error he fully intends to rectify before the Queen's speech starts.
But it's not going to be easy...
What with strange requests to molest living room furniture, painfully inserted action figures, and an extremely festive lady of the night, Matt will be lucky to reach Boxing Day with his pride and manhood still intact.
From the best-selling author of LOVE... FROM BOTH SIDES comes the laugh-out-loud story of one man's quest to make this Christmas go with a bang.
Christmas is coming and Matt Bunion is on a mission. Somehow, he's made the huge mistake of remaining a virgin well into his twenties - a grievous error he fully intends to rectify before the Queen's speech starts.
But it's not going to be easy...
What with strange requests to molest living room furniture, painfully inserted action figures, and an extremely festive lady of the night, Matt will be lucky to reach Boxing Day with his pride and manhood still intact.
From the best-selling author of LOVE... FROM BOTH SIDES comes the laugh-out-loud story of one man's quest to make this Christmas go with a bang.
Unknown Binding
First published November 16, 2013
305 people are currently reading
367 people want to read
About the author
Nick Spalding
36 books1,384 followersNick Spalding is an author who, try as he might, can't seem to write anything serious.
Before becoming a full-time author, he worked in the communications industry, mainly in media and marketing. As talking rubbish for a living can get tiresome (for anyone other than a politician), he thought he'd have a crack at writing comedy fiction - with a very agreeable level of success so far, it has to be said. Nick is now a multimillion seller. This flabbergasts him every single day.
Nick is now in his fifties - and is rather annoyed at the universe about it, because it gave him no choice in the matter. He's also addicted to Thai food and roast potatoes (not together), loves Batman and Warhammer, and has a dreadful singing voice.
***
Find out more about Nick and his books at www.nickspalding.com
Before becoming a full-time author, he worked in the communications industry, mainly in media and marketing. As talking rubbish for a living can get tiresome (for anyone other than a politician), he thought he'd have a crack at writing comedy fiction - with a very agreeable level of success so far, it has to be said. Nick is now a multimillion seller. This flabbergasts him every single day.
Nick is now in his fifties - and is rather annoyed at the universe about it, because it gave him no choice in the matter. He's also addicted to Thai food and roast potatoes (not together), loves Batman and Warhammer, and has a dreadful singing voice.
***
Find out more about Nick and his books at www.nickspalding.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 111 reviews
December 22, 2023
2⭐
Genre ~ humorous fiction
Setting ~ England
Publication date ~ November 16, 2013
Est page Count ~ 73 (5 chapters)
POV ~ single 1st
There are only 3 days left until Christmas so I'm on a mad dash to clear my kindle of as many Christmas themed books before they have to stay on there another year. This one's been hanging around since December 2020.
Matt is a 27 year old virgin and he vows to rectify that situation by Christmas day.
The 3 prospects to help him go from blue to his normal skin color are:
Tara ~ who he meets on the site FishInTheSea.com. I don't even know what to say about their encounter, just weird.
Hayley ~ a good friend who might feel more for him then he does for her. Quite an ouch moment in this one.
Mercedes ~ an overly festive lady of night.
Will one of these ladies help him get the deed done or will it be another blue Christmas?
My reading tastes have changed a bit since I got this, so not sure if I would have rated it differently had I read it 3 years ago. Honesty I probably got this one because of the title. There were some funny bits, but overall this was an odd one. Now I can delete it.
Connect with me ➡ Blog ~ Facebook ~ Twitter
Genre ~ humorous fiction
Setting ~ England
Publication date ~ November 16, 2013
Est page Count ~ 73 (5 chapters)
POV ~ single 1st
There are only 3 days left until Christmas so I'm on a mad dash to clear my kindle of as many Christmas themed books before they have to stay on there another year. This one's been hanging around since December 2020.
Matt is a 27 year old virgin and he vows to rectify that situation by Christmas day.
The 3 prospects to help him go from blue to his normal skin color are:
Tara ~ who he meets on the site FishInTheSea.com. I don't even know what to say about their encounter, just weird.
Hayley ~ a good friend who might feel more for him then he does for her. Quite an ouch moment in this one.
Mercedes ~ an overly festive lady of night.
Will one of these ladies help him get the deed done or will it be another blue Christmas?
My reading tastes have changed a bit since I got this, so not sure if I would have rated it differently had I read it 3 years ago. Honesty I probably got this one because of the title. There were some funny bits, but overall this was an odd one. Now I can delete it.
Connect with me ➡ Blog ~ Facebook ~ Twitter
December 25, 2018
'How the hell can you fancy me?' I ask. 'You pulled an Ewok out of my bum!'
I loved it.... Its proper British humor had me laughing from the Band Aid prostitute, the Return of the Jedi Bears and the double glazing fanatic......
A 27 year old Virgin sets out to loose his virginity by Christmas..... well the escapades he gets up to and how he finds himself in some "sticky" situations just makes the book hilarious... I loved it
I loved it.... Its proper British humor had me laughing from the Band Aid prostitute, the Return of the Jedi Bears and the double glazing fanatic......
A 27 year old Virgin sets out to loose his virginity by Christmas..... well the escapades he gets up to and how he finds himself in some "sticky" situations just makes the book hilarious... I loved it
December 29, 2020
3 Stars - was okay. Nothing too exciting and I cringed more than laughed. A quick read and flies by.
This is really only the second,.... maybe third thing I’ve read by this author and I’ve enjoyed them all enough that I’m eager to read more by him in the future.
This is really only the second,.... maybe third thing I’ve read by this author and I’ve enjoyed them all enough that I’m eager to read more by him in the future.
December 13, 2020
Strange
Blue Christmas Balls by Nick Spalding is about a guy that is desperate to lose his virginity at Christmas. It is certainly not a laugh-out-loud book. It's not even a little humorous. The only ones that might find this funny might be middle school males.
Blue Christmas Balls by Nick Spalding is about a guy that is desperate to lose his virginity at Christmas. It is certainly not a laugh-out-loud book. It's not even a little humorous. The only ones that might find this funny might be middle school males.
December 21, 2020
A short read but an hilarious one!
I do wish it was longer as I would of gladly read a full-length novel following Matt's sexual mission! 🤣🤣
A first read from this author, and certainly won't be the last!
A light-hearted story full of fun and giggles! I recommend not reading this book in public to prevent weird looks over hysterical laughing. But most definitely worth a read! Can't wait to read more from Spalding.
I do wish it was longer as I would of gladly read a full-length novel following Matt's sexual mission! 🤣🤣
A first read from this author, and certainly won't be the last!
A light-hearted story full of fun and giggles! I recommend not reading this book in public to prevent weird looks over hysterical laughing. But most definitely worth a read! Can't wait to read more from Spalding.
February 23, 2015
Twenty Seven year old Matt is a virgin. Determined to get it over and done with and lose his virginity, he gives himself a date to have the deed done and dusted by, this Christmas.
We are firstly introduced to Matt as he tells us about his disastrous love life and failed sexual activities. We then follow him on his journey of sexual findings which for Matt only ends up in continuous disasters.
I like Nick Spalding, I've enjoyed his previous work, but Blue Christmas Balls is advertised as a laugh out loud comedy novella, so I obviously had extremely high hopes for it. Let's just say I was near the end of the book and I was yet to have laughed or even smiled for that matter. It's like a try too hard to be funny book I really didn't like it unfortunately.
We are firstly introduced to Matt as he tells us about his disastrous love life and failed sexual activities. We then follow him on his journey of sexual findings which for Matt only ends up in continuous disasters.
I like Nick Spalding, I've enjoyed his previous work, but Blue Christmas Balls is advertised as a laugh out loud comedy novella, so I obviously had extremely high hopes for it. Let's just say I was near the end of the book and I was yet to have laughed or even smiled for that matter. It's like a try too hard to be funny book I really didn't like it unfortunately.
September 5, 2018
a great little novella
yes its short but its so funny
a 27 year old virgin wants to loose hos cherry before Christmas day
this is his story and its a great read
yes its short but its so funny
a 27 year old virgin wants to loose hos cherry before Christmas day
this is his story and its a great read
September 10, 2025
When I discovered Nick Spalding in summer 2020, he was quite honestly the only thing getting me through the pandemic. I first read this one just before starting uni that year so it's oddly fitting I reread it just before my last. Overall, a damn fun read with plenty of laugh out loud moments as our hero, Matt Bunion, sets out on a quest to lose his virginity, encountering a lunatic obsessed with glass coffee tables, a painfully adventurous Ewok, and a call girl who really does not appreciate slights on Cliff Richard. He sure learns a few lessons 🤣 🤣 🤣
December 18, 2019
Another hilarious read
I read Checking Out and enjoyed it so much that I had to read more, and fancied something festive. A funny tale of one man's mission to lose his V-plates before Christmas Day.
I read Checking Out and enjoyed it so much that I had to read more, and fancied something festive. A funny tale of one man's mission to lose his V-plates before Christmas Day.
January 27, 2020
Funny
Not exactly my mind of story but it had some funny moments. I get that the main character was trying to do but he sure went about it the wrong way and damn what a rough and ouch time of it. Hahaha
Not exactly my mind of story but it had some funny moments. I get that the main character was trying to do but he sure went about it the wrong way and damn what a rough and ouch time of it. Hahaha
January 4, 2020
3.5 stars. Completely hilarious. It is a great quick holiday read. I got looks from the family when I busted out laughing.
December 24, 2020
I should have known better
In all fairness given the name of the book I should have known better...
The two stars is me being particularly generous because there were a couple of moments in between the horror at what I was reading and the physical cringing that I did chuckle a bit.
But that aside... I mean it depends what you’re looking for but I just wanted a quick read to bump up my total for the year and a bit of a laugh before Christmas and this was wayyyy too graphic for me.
In all fairness given the name of the book I should have known better...
The two stars is me being particularly generous because there were a couple of moments in between the horror at what I was reading and the physical cringing that I did chuckle a bit.
But that aside... I mean it depends what you’re looking for but I just wanted a quick read to bump up my total for the year and a bit of a laugh before Christmas and this was wayyyy too graphic for me.
November 21, 2014
Crass, predictable & disappointing. 2nd by this author I've read & the repeat phrases & stock character traits are immediately apparent. Won't bother reading a 3rd
May 23, 2018
Good for a quick read, funny in places too.
December 26, 2019
I knew I was gonna read it over Christmas time because I anticipated it’s as light as the ball on the Christmas tree. I wasn’t wrong and this type of reading was exactly what I wanted and needed after a stressful ending of the business year.
It is funny, light and not pretentious situation comedy novel. If you like Nick Spalding or have read any of his books, this one would be like meeting with familiar friend who wants to loose his virginity before Christmas, with all the obstacles you might find in English novel or a TV show. Nothing to die for, but at least it doesn’t insult your intelligence and can give you a smirk or two every now and then.
I will definitely give the lucky couple another chance and read more about their adventures this Easter ;)
It is funny, light and not pretentious situation comedy novel. If you like Nick Spalding or have read any of his books, this one would be like meeting with familiar friend who wants to loose his virginity before Christmas, with all the obstacles you might find in English novel or a TV show. Nothing to die for, but at least it doesn’t insult your intelligence and can give you a smirk or two every now and then.
I will definitely give the lucky couple another chance and read more about their adventures this Easter ;)
December 23, 2021
A quick read with a few snigger moments.
The lead character annoyed me somewhat. It was kind of obvious early on how it was going to end. That didn’t bother me so much as I often find it’s the journey I enjoy.
As it’s a short book I can’t go into much without revealing a lot about the book. Suffice to say his plan to lose his virginity isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Perhaps not surprising as he hasn’t been able to do it in 27 years but suddenly decides he has yo do it in 2 weeks with no girlfriend in sight. We also learn a bit about his past experiences and why he’d not had sex before.
The lead character annoyed me somewhat. It was kind of obvious early on how it was going to end. That didn’t bother me so much as I often find it’s the journey I enjoy.
As it’s a short book I can’t go into much without revealing a lot about the book. Suffice to say his plan to lose his virginity isn’t as straightforward as it seems. Perhaps not surprising as he hasn’t been able to do it in 27 years but suddenly decides he has yo do it in 2 weeks with no girlfriend in sight. We also learn a bit about his past experiences and why he’d not had sex before.
December 25, 2023
Very short story, only 73 pages. This story was funny half the time and cringy the other half.
Basically the main character Matt who has been a virgin his whole life sets a plan to get laid before Christmas and goes through a variety of different women.
*Spoiler* he does not, unfortunately get laid but goes through some trauma and a few hospital visits lmao
Let’s just say there was an incident involving his asshole and falling on a Ewok figurine his friend (he’s trying to fuck) gives him for Christmas. 😳
Basically the main character Matt who has been a virgin his whole life sets a plan to get laid before Christmas and goes through a variety of different women.
*Spoiler* he does not, unfortunately get laid but goes through some trauma and a few hospital visits lmao
Let’s just say there was an incident involving his asshole and falling on a Ewok figurine his friend (he’s trying to fuck) gives him for Christmas. 😳
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 28, 2023
Fun, but felt incomplete
Nick Spalding never fails to make me laugh out loud, and hard. His humour is quite British, but I find it hilarious. In this Christmas novella Matt sets himself a goal to be achieved by the 25th of December, and he tried many different avenues to achieve his goal by the very short deadline. Unfortunately, for him and all involved things tent to turn disastrously wrong, which is great for us readers as every single time we laugh hard at his antics.
Very short and felt unfinished, no spice not any real romance, but totally hilarious and worth a read.
Nick Spalding never fails to make me laugh out loud, and hard. His humour is quite British, but I find it hilarious. In this Christmas novella Matt sets himself a goal to be achieved by the 25th of December, and he tried many different avenues to achieve his goal by the very short deadline. Unfortunately, for him and all involved things tent to turn disastrously wrong, which is great for us readers as every single time we laugh hard at his antics.
Very short and felt unfinished, no spice not any real romance, but totally hilarious and worth a read.
February 7, 2020
Matt, poor poor Matt. A virgin at 27, he desperately needs to get laid. Due to many wild wacky happenings with dates and a lady of the evening, he or his partner require medical attention.
In the end, his potential to find someone has been right in front of him the whole time, so the end is only a beginning.
Funny little novella, cute nerdy main character. I’ll definitely read part two.
KU
In the end, his potential to find someone has been right in front of him the whole time, so the end is only a beginning.
Funny little novella, cute nerdy main character. I’ll definitely read part two.
KU
December 26, 2023
This is a short story that I would probably have enjoyed more 10 years or so ago. It's lad-lit and is quite open about the main character just wanting to lose his virginity in the couple of weeks that remain until Christmas. Certainly not a bad story, and it was pretty funny seeing how 27 year-old Matt Bunion's attempted conquests turned out, but now that I'm a little older it's a little less my style.
December 3, 2016
Maybe worth 3 stars, fun read.
I feel I may have been slightly harsh here with my review score (maybe 5.5/10), it does provide a few good laughs, in fact it is very funny in sections, but I found that you could tell the ending from a mile away and it seemed to try and tack on some unneeded sentimentality at the very end.
I feel I may have been slightly harsh here with my review score (maybe 5.5/10), it does provide a few good laughs, in fact it is very funny in sections, but I found that you could tell the ending from a mile away and it seemed to try and tack on some unneeded sentimentality at the very end.
December 17, 2018
An entertaining, yet over-the-top, quick read about a 27 year old virgin who is determined to loose his virginity before Christmas. A fun break from the standard Christmas tale but also kind of hard to root for someone who is only interested in loosing his virginity with a meaningless one night stand. However, you can see karma alive and well as he attempts to treat women as mere sex objects.
August 11, 2019
Sparkles like tinsel!
I'm a big fan of Nick Spalding, and this short story did not fail to impress! Poor Matt, trying really hard to lose something leading up to Christmas, actually found something better! If you are after a short , laugh out loud read, then this one is for you!
I'm a big fan of Nick Spalding, and this short story did not fail to impress! Poor Matt, trying really hard to lose something leading up to Christmas, actually found something better! If you are after a short , laugh out loud read, then this one is for you!
December 8, 2019
It's a novella by an author I've read before and enjoyed, but I dnf'd at 89% because I found it repulsive and not remotely realistic. Coz really? A 27-y.o. virgin guy about to get laid for the first time is put off by Christmas music? I don't think so.
Also, this is classified as romance but there's nothing romantic about it.
If I could give it negative stars, I would.
Also, this is classified as romance but there's nothing romantic about it.
If I could give it negative stars, I would.
March 2, 2020
I was a little unsure about this book initially but after a very short time I was into it and chortling away to myself. The story is slightly tacky but that adds to the fun of it. It’s a fairly short book and I was disappointed when I finished it. That’s no criticism of the book but simply that I enjoyed it so much it’s a shame when the fun finishes.
March 27, 2021
A funny Interlude!
At first I wasn't sure this book would entertain me and I wondered about the sense of humour of the people who decided to declare this was a laugh out loud sort of book. But about a third of the way through I did actually laugh out loud. And then it happened a few more times. I'm going to read the sequel now.
At first I wasn't sure this book would entertain me and I wondered about the sense of humour of the people who decided to declare this was a laugh out loud sort of book. But about a third of the way through I did actually laugh out loud. And then it happened a few more times. I'm going to read the sequel now.
December 24, 2022
A quick read. Seasonal, yes. But more talk about genitalia without actually having sex than ANY other book I've ever read. I now know more about his penis and blue balls than ANY woman should EVER know. Nevertheless, it made me laugh out loud several times and with a subject like this, that's 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟
December 16, 2025
Just a bit of good Christmas fun, really.
I needed some short books to help me reach my reading goal this year, and this was recommended as a good festive read. It was that typical British humour I'd expect from Spalding and I laughed along with our main character's antics.
It did make me realise how much I'm not used to men-written-by-men, though. You guys really can be crude, huh? But all in good fun.
Worth the hour or so to read it, feel some Christmas cheer, and have a few laughs.
I needed some short books to help me reach my reading goal this year, and this was recommended as a good festive read. It was that typical British humour I'd expect from Spalding and I laughed along with our main character's antics.
It did make me realise how much I'm not used to men-written-by-men, though. You guys really can be crude, huh? But all in good fun.
Worth the hour or so to read it, feel some Christmas cheer, and have a few laughs.
December 5, 2017
5/5 stars. Very funny. Christmas seems something of a commercially-inspired afterthought, but you’ll be at least smiling for most of the two hours it’ll take you to read through the short story; in some places, I laughed long and hard. A very entertaining little book.
December 23, 2017
Loved it!!!
This is the first book I have read written by a man and I must say I'm glad I picked it up. It was so funny at times I couldn't help bursting out loud. My days its good to find out what happens in guys heads. Definitely recommend it!!!
This is the first book I have read written by a man and I must say I'm glad I picked it up. It was so funny at times I couldn't help bursting out loud. My days its good to find out what happens in guys heads. Definitely recommend it!!!
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