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Special Topics in Being a Parent: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I’ve Learned About Parenting, Mostly the Hard Way
An illustrated guide of practical parenting advice informed by queer experiences for anyone parenting outside the mainstream, from the author and the illustrator of Special Topics in Being a Human Being a parent is enormously joyful, but it is also an enormous amount of work. Parenting requires you to make dozens of decisions a day, every one of which in some way shapes the person your child will grow into. It can be difficult to know in these moments whether you’re on the right track. Progressive parents especially can feel adrift when caregiving in ways that were not modelled for them. From S. Bear Bergman—advice columnist, educator, and queer dad with fifteen years of parenting under his belt—comes Special Topics in Being a Parent , a witty and insightful collection of child-rearing tips for those in search of realistic ideas about screens and lunches that don’t come with a side order of judgment. Using his own choices—and errors—by way of example, Bergman offers suggestions for various stages of the parenting journey, from asking “Are we ready to have a kid?” to talking with children about diversity and difference, to questioning gender expectations placed on both kids and parents. With plenty of humor and compassion, and featuring charming illustrations by Saul Freedman-Lawson, this guide helps parents to live their parenting values while enabling their kids to grow their capacities, understand the world, and above all, feel connected and loved.
328 pages, Paperback
Published August 13, 2024
11 people are currently reading
276 people want to read
About the author
S. Bear Bergman
21 books176 followersS. Bear Bergman is a storyteller, a theater artist, an instigator, a gender-jammer, and a good example of what happens when you overeducate a contrarian. He is the author of Butch Is a Noun (reissued with a new foreword by Arsenal Pulp Press, 2010), Lambda Literary Award-finalist The Nearest Exit May be Behind You (Arsenal Pulp Press, 2009), Backwards Day (Flamingo Rampant, 2012), Lambda Literary Award-finalist The Adventures of Tulip, Birthday Wish Fairy (Flamingo Rampant, 2012) and Blood, Marriage, Wine, & Glitter (Arsenal Pulp Press, 2013) – as well as the editor (with the inimitable Kate Bornstein) of the multiple-award-winning Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation (Seal Press, 2010). Bear is also the creator and performer of three award-winning solo performances and a frequent contributor to anthologies on all manner of topics (see his CV for an extensive list of publications of presentations). Bear can be found many days in an airport lounge, writing stories on his laptop and letters on any piece of paper that can pretend to be stationery.
A frequent lecturer at colleges and universities regarding issues relating to gender, sexuality, and culture, Bear enjoys digging in to complicated ideas and getting dirty doing it. He also works extensively helping to create queer and trans cultural competency at universities, corporations, health care providers, and governmental organizations. This work has included training, policy development, policy reviews, and process/barrier audits, as well as cultural awareness consulting for external marketing.
As a Jew, Bear also speaks extensively about how his religious and cultural lives have shaped one another and the intersection of identities, especially as it relates to being both Jewish and queer. He remains exceptionally pleased to have been asked to write the chapter on trans inclusion for Hillel International’s LGBTQ Resource Guide
Less recently, Bear was one of the five original founders of the first Gay/Straight Alliance, a frequent lecturer at high schools and colleges on the subject of making schools safe for GLBT students, and a founding commission member of what is now called the Massachusetts Safe Schools Project. Bear was an insufferable know-it-all in high school, but is reformed these days. Somewhat.
Bear was educated at Concord Academy, Hampshire College, and the University of Massachusetts. He currently resides in Toronto, Ontario where he has set up housekeeping with his husband j wallace skelton and their children, and travels frequently to visit the many people close to his heart.
A frequent lecturer at colleges and universities regarding issues relating to gender, sexuality, and culture, Bear enjoys digging in to complicated ideas and getting dirty doing it. He also works extensively helping to create queer and trans cultural competency at universities, corporations, health care providers, and governmental organizations. This work has included training, policy development, policy reviews, and process/barrier audits, as well as cultural awareness consulting for external marketing.
As a Jew, Bear also speaks extensively about how his religious and cultural lives have shaped one another and the intersection of identities, especially as it relates to being both Jewish and queer. He remains exceptionally pleased to have been asked to write the chapter on trans inclusion for Hillel International’s LGBTQ Resource Guide
Less recently, Bear was one of the five original founders of the first Gay/Straight Alliance, a frequent lecturer at high schools and colleges on the subject of making schools safe for GLBT students, and a founding commission member of what is now called the Massachusetts Safe Schools Project. Bear was an insufferable know-it-all in high school, but is reformed these days. Somewhat.
Bear was educated at Concord Academy, Hampshire College, and the University of Massachusetts. He currently resides in Toronto, Ontario where he has set up housekeeping with his husband j wallace skelton and their children, and travels frequently to visit the many people close to his heart.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
February 2, 2025
Fittingly, I finished this book last night while my baby slept on my chest. I read it deliberately slowly so I could soak in the knowledge as much as possible. What a gift S. Bear Bergman's work is. I know I will refer back to this advice guide many times. I just might make some note cards of especially impactful lines to put up where I can see them often.
Topics include transitioning from one activity to another (erg so difficult!), gender and heteronormativity, bullying, talking to kids about difference and diversity, how to decide on key values to pass down to your kids, food, replacing the idea of a family tree with a family garden, and more!
It's practical, honest, vulnerable, and compassionate. Saul Freedman-Lawson's illustrations are a perfect accompaniment. A must-have for (prospective) parents and anyone with kiddos in their life in a significant way.
Topics include transitioning from one activity to another (erg so difficult!), gender and heteronormativity, bullying, talking to kids about difference and diversity, how to decide on key values to pass down to your kids, food, replacing the idea of a family tree with a family garden, and more!
It's practical, honest, vulnerable, and compassionate. Saul Freedman-Lawson's illustrations are a perfect accompaniment. A must-have for (prospective) parents and anyone with kiddos in their life in a significant way.
February 5, 2025
A lot of gentle wisdom here!
June 25, 2025
So, so special. I'm still a good half decade out from becoming a parent, but there's so much in here that I can take away to be a better adult to the kids that are already in my life. There's also so much that feels relevant to my own life.
The messages that stuck with me:
1. Choose three core values to parent by. Don't waver on them. The rest will work out in the wash. This made me wonder what my core values would be, and really what they are now, for myself.
2. The idea that having bad thoughts makes you a bad person only encourages children (and ourselves!) to go ahead and act badly, because we already are. The idea of "sinning in one's own heart" hit home as someone raised culturally Catholic-ish and I never thought about how that could get passed down.
3. Don't have one difficult conversation about a loaded topic. Explain, gesture, talk through things all the time, as early as you can. I really loved the idea of learning through these topics together as a family and being ready to admit you don't have the answers.
The messages that stuck with me:
1. Choose three core values to parent by. Don't waver on them. The rest will work out in the wash. This made me wonder what my core values would be, and really what they are now, for myself.
2. The idea that having bad thoughts makes you a bad person only encourages children (and ourselves!) to go ahead and act badly, because we already are. The idea of "sinning in one's own heart" hit home as someone raised culturally Catholic-ish and I never thought about how that could get passed down.
3. Don't have one difficult conversation about a loaded topic. Explain, gesture, talk through things all the time, as early as you can. I really loved the idea of learning through these topics together as a family and being ready to admit you don't have the answers.
September 4, 2024
The subtitle to this book of advice promises "A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned About Parenting, Mostly the Hard Way," and from the first page, Bergman is humble and honest about those difficult lessons. "I was a perfect parent before I had actual children," he writes, in an opening chapter that goes on to describe the contrast between his tidy imaginary children and the chaotic real ones. Freedman-Lawson's delightful and detailed illustrations bring both versions to life and establish the visual language of the guide. From then on, it's always clear Bergman is drawing on his real life experiences and has put great thought into deriving lessons that might be useful for other parents.
The guide covers a range of topics, from everyday matters like getting everyone out of the house on time to weighty issues such as bullying. There's advice on introducing kids to new foods, and on introducing them to the concepts of diversity and differences between people. One lovely chapter offers the idea of replacing family trees with family gardens, presenting many possible ways to make use of this metaphor. For anyone who's part of a child's garden, I heartily recommend this book.
Check out photos of a few sample pages here. And to every flavor of human, I also recommend Bergman and Freedman-Lawson's first collaboration, SPECIAL TOPICS IN BEING A HUMAN.
The guide covers a range of topics, from everyday matters like getting everyone out of the house on time to weighty issues such as bullying. There's advice on introducing kids to new foods, and on introducing them to the concepts of diversity and differences between people. One lovely chapter offers the idea of replacing family trees with family gardens, presenting many possible ways to make use of this metaphor. For anyone who's part of a child's garden, I heartily recommend this book.
Check out photos of a few sample pages here. And to every flavor of human, I also recommend Bergman and Freedman-Lawson's first collaboration, SPECIAL TOPICS IN BEING A HUMAN.
August 10, 2025
(Finished this one a long time ago but forgot to mark it here).
LOVED this. Recommended it to everyone in my giant WhatsApp parenting group. It’s the perfect parenting book. I’m not usually a big fan of graphic novels but this was so lovely, I kept taking screenshots to share with friends. I think this may be my new default “new baby” gift. It’s so inclusive, it’s gentle, and it’s also very funny. Could not give it higher praise.
FWIW, I’ve known Bear forever, but we aren’t close. If I disliked the book I’d say so. This is actually great.
LOVED this. Recommended it to everyone in my giant WhatsApp parenting group. It’s the perfect parenting book. I’m not usually a big fan of graphic novels but this was so lovely, I kept taking screenshots to share with friends. I think this may be my new default “new baby” gift. It’s so inclusive, it’s gentle, and it’s also very funny. Could not give it higher praise.
FWIW, I’ve known Bear forever, but we aren’t close. If I disliked the book I’d say so. This is actually great.
January 30, 2025
This is beautiful.
January 20, 2025
Truly a must-read for anyone, but hits home as a parent.
May 21, 2025
I can’t say enough good things about this book. A tonne of easily digestible information. It’s so inclusive and has plenty of personal stories, great recommendations, and beautiful graphics. I just want to re-read it straight away. Love.
May 1, 2025
I loved this book and deliberately read it slowly in the hopes I could soak up as much of this as possible and hopefully apply these concepts to my own parenting. However, I wish that the author approached the bullying subsection differently, particularly with regard to the portion about preparing your child to possibly physically fight back. I thought S. Bear Bergman overall did an incredible job throughout the book of exploring how parenting can look different depending on the identity and context of the parent(s) and child(ren) involved, and writing with that conscientiousness and inclusivity in mind. Yet this advice in the bullying subsection has the potential to play out VERY differently for children at heightened risk of getting into the school to prison pipeline (e.g., children of color, children with disabilities), where the consequences of physically fighting back might be much more drastic and longstanding than a simple phone call home. (I also question whether the research actually does support the idea that the victim fighting/hitting a bully who uses violence is likely to stop future instances of physical violence by that bully…? The way the section was written also potentially conflated this advice for responding to physical violence with advice for responding to ALL forms of bullying? I thought this subsection needed more nuance to truly and comprehensively address the complexities of bullying, including hate-based bullying). That subsection felt discordant in an otherwise thoughtful and tender book.
September 27, 2024
Do I have the brain power right now to describe everything I took from this book?
No. It's friday afternoon.
Let's just start with I am not a parent . I work with children and I'm a front-line aunt. But my brother fell into parenting book tiktok or something and, as his ADHD is wont to do, he needed to read the recommended books. In print. ASAP. (The same man who has not finished a book since elementary school and got through high school on coles notes and his older sister). So when this came up in my quick and dirty "surely I can give him something he'll read and get something out of that won't make him want to set himself on fire", I jumped.
And it's great. It's gentle and thorough and simple. It's made me rethink how I interact with my nephews in times of conflict while also doubling down on things I do already - gender-neutral language, engaging with they're interest no matter how gender or age non-conformist they are, letting them crawl all over me or fall asleep on me and enjoying the time before they think I'm a gross grown-up...
I don't know if my brother will get anything out of it... but I certainly did.
No. It's friday afternoon.
Let's just start with I am not a parent . I work with children and I'm a front-line aunt. But my brother fell into parenting book tiktok or something and, as his ADHD is wont to do, he needed to read the recommended books. In print. ASAP. (The same man who has not finished a book since elementary school and got through high school on coles notes and his older sister). So when this came up in my quick and dirty "surely I can give him something he'll read and get something out of that won't make him want to set himself on fire", I jumped.
And it's great. It's gentle and thorough and simple. It's made me rethink how I interact with my nephews in times of conflict while also doubling down on things I do already - gender-neutral language, engaging with they're interest no matter how gender or age non-conformist they are, letting them crawl all over me or fall asleep on me and enjoying the time before they think I'm a gross grown-up...
I don't know if my brother will get anything out of it... but I certainly did.
October 27, 2024
Enjoyable to read and well illustrated; maybe not only for parents.
Some of the book applies to general leadership and DEI work in addition to parenting. This is especially useful for people leading younger workers (IMHO) and for those of us trying very hard to do DEI work with people who are unfamiliar (or sulky) with such work. Some of the author's methods may land better than more rigorous or scholarly ones. Also good for educators and librarians.
Mostly, I'm saying that some of the contents of the book are versatile and worth reading for people who never intend to become parents.
That said, I am glad my library has this for parents, not just queer parents or the parents of queer children, but for ALL parents.
Overall, really worthwhile, exceeded expectations!
Some of the book applies to general leadership and DEI work in addition to parenting. This is especially useful for people leading younger workers (IMHO) and for those of us trying very hard to do DEI work with people who are unfamiliar (or sulky) with such work. Some of the author's methods may land better than more rigorous or scholarly ones. Also good for educators and librarians.
Mostly, I'm saying that some of the contents of the book are versatile and worth reading for people who never intend to become parents.
That said, I am glad my library has this for parents, not just queer parents or the parents of queer children, but for ALL parents.
Overall, really worthwhile, exceeded expectations!
September 28, 2024
Brilliant, a triumph, amazing! Belongs on the shelf with Kelly Coleman's book and Sears' baby book. Yes, it's that good, it's got information THAT essential. Sometimes it's nice to find out you're doing it right, how to do it better and how much a stranger thinks you're doing an awesome job at parenting. Cuz this shit is hard, man!
January 22, 2025
What a refreshing, honest and practical approach to so many parenting topics that impact families from toddler through teen! I had so many nuggets of information on ways I can approach things and several sections I gave myself a pat on the back for. Great and quick read for any parent. It takes a village, it isn't easy, but we've got this!
February 26, 2025
Oh, this spoke to my soul in such a lovely way. I don't think any of it was necessarily groundbreaking advice that I wouldn't have thought of on my own, but it helped solidify a lot of my own tendencies and plans when it comes to parenting. Very thankful to the colleague who recommended it and loaned me her copy.
July 28, 2024
Really lovely graphic novel, read it in about an hour
October 3, 2024
Loved it! So encouraging and thoughtful. Truly lovely book and it's so easy to read with the illustrated style! Highly recommend to anyone who wants to be a more thoughtful and mindful parent.
October 20, 2024
Just like Bergman's previous graphic novel, I loved this and feel it arriculates some things so well and highlights others I had not considered.
November 4, 2024
Truly excellent advice, thoughtfully offered in an accessible way.
December 5, 2024
This was so lovely! So many great nuggets of parenting wisdom. I also loved the style of drawings that were used to accompany the text.
January 10, 2025
Beautiful 💕 this is just a gorgeous read as well as being incredibly helpful
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January 24, 2025not a parent/don't plan to be - still helpful!
April 2, 2025
Loved that it read like a graphic novel and had tons of great info.
April 23, 2025
cried!
April 25, 2025
Just as good as expected. Full of excellent advice and such relatable anecdotes.
May 26, 2025
I don't think I'll be a parent any time soon, but this is still a very interesting read for me as an educator.
August 10, 2025
I want everyone I know to read this, especially anyone who spends time with children or teens
August 15, 2025
really great to hear from other queer parents.
August 26, 2025
i loved this book! extremely realistic while not being jaded and negative. this is my second book i’ve read by bear and i want to read many more!
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews