No Saints Around Here: A Caregiver's Days

by Susan Allen Toth

When we promise “in sickness and in health,” it may be a mercy that we don’t know exactly what lies ahead. Forcing food on an increasingly recalcitrant spouse. Brushing his teeth. Watching someone you love more than ever slip away day by day. As her husband James’s Parkinson’s disease with eventual dementia began to progress, writer Susan Allen Toth decides she intensely wants to keep her husband at home—the home he designed and loved and lived in for a quarter century—until the end.

No saint, as she often reminds the reader, Toth found solace in documenting her days as a caregiver. The result, written in brief, episodic bursts during the final eighteen months of James’s life, has a rare and poignant immediacy. Wrenching, occasionally peevish, at times darkly funny, and always deeply felt, Toth’s intimate, unsparing account reflects the realities of seeing a loved one out of life: the critical support of some friends and the disappearance of others; the elasticity of time, infinitely slow and yet in such short supply; the sheer physicality of James’s decline and the author’s own loneliness; the practical challenges—the right food, the right wheelchair, the right hospital bed—all intricately interlocking parts of the act of loving and caring for someone who in so many ways is fading away.

“We all need someone to hear us,” Toth says of the millions who devote their days to the care of a loved one. Her memoir is at once an eloquent expression of that need and an opening for others. No Saints around Here is the beginning of a conversation in which so many of us may someday find our voices.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir

256 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2014

About the author

Dr. Toth graduated from Smith College and Berkeley and received a Ph.D. from the University of Minnesota in 1969. She taught English at San Francisco State College and now teaches at Macalester College in Minnesota. Toth has contributed articles and stories to a wide range of magazines and newspapers. She has written two memoirs—Blooming: A Small Town Girlhood (1981) and Ivy Days: Making My Way Out East (1984). She has also written a series of books on England, including My Love Affair with England (1992), England as You Like It (1995), England for All Seasons (1997), and Victoria, the Heart of England: A Journey of Discovery (1999).

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beloved memoirist chronicles the last 18 months of her husband’s life, as she and an army of caregivers coped with his decline from Parkinson’s disease.

I’m sure I must be one of Susan Allen Toth’s biggest fans. In the months before I first journeyed to England for my junior year abroad, I devoured her trilogy of travel books: My Love Affair with England, England as You Like It, and England for All Seasons. Later I learned that she was also the author of two memoirs about her growing-up years, Blooming: A Small-Town Girlhood (about her childhood and adolescence in Iowa – and thus a great companion piece to The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid by Bill Bryson, who is also an inveterate Anglophile) and Ivy Days: Making My Way Out East, about her years at Smith College. Though we’re of different generations, I could relate to so much of Toth’s experience of life at a women’s college – especially the crushing disappointment of narrowly missing out on the summa cum laude degree class.

I hadn’t heard anything from Toth in years, so I was surprised and delighted to come across a new book from her. There’s a sad story behind this one, though: Toth’s husband and long-time travel companion, architect James Stageberg, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in the mid-1990s and had been in physical and mental decline ever since. This memoir is based on Toth’s journal entries from James’s last 18 months of life, before he died at the age of 85 in 2010.

Toth initially wanted to replicate the diary entries exactly, with no editing or commentary, but changed her mind when she was finally strong enough to face reading them again. There was too much repetition, and she felt ashamed of her tone: constantly moaning about her lack of time and her distaste for some of the more unpleasant chores she had to undertake on a daily basis (brushing and flossing James’s teeth was her least favorite). In one sense, time was slipping away – it wouldn’t be long before she lost James forever – but in another, it felt like there was nothing but time, endless hours spent performing repetitive caregiving tasks. (She also avoided the guilty thought that, once James was gone, she would have all the time in the world to do whatever she wanted.)

As the title suggests, Toth never considered herself a saint; because she “lived with constant interruptions,” she often responded with frustration when James tried walking downstairs without calling her, or when he complained of being bored with a DVD, or when he got her up from meals or her ritualized morning cups of tea a second or third time in a row. She didn’t exactly relish shopping for male incontinence pads, and hated having to call neighbors over in desperation when it took three people to hoist James up after a fall.

Still, James and Toth were fortunate: they had the money to hire several nurses who would come and cover various shifts, including overnight, so Toth could sleep and run errands. James’s six children were often able and willing to help. Towards the end they had the opportunity to enroll James in a hospice scheme that included near-instant delivery of prescriptions. And, best of all, they were able to keep him at home throughout the whole ordeal, so he wouldn’t have to face death alone in a nursing home or hospital.

Those were a few of the small mercies that kept Toth sane; some others were: friends who had been through the same experience and encouraged her to keep going, a new pair of jeans, a few colorful silk shirts purchased from eBay, and an obsession with the life and works of Johnny Cash. Sometimes she simply had to look after herself, with some tiny luxury making the difference between wallowing in self-pity and making it through the day feeling confident. She was even able to escape to her beloved London for nine days, after recruiting an army of caregivers and making a schedule marked by military precision.

At other times, she survived by finding the humor in daily situations, like the time she broke off a phone conversation with a friend when she realized with alarm that James was napping on the porch with his head in the pansies, or when she took a toy stuffed sheep to her heart, only to discover it was actually a rabbit – henceforth known as “sheepit.” After all, she thought, if you didn’t laugh you’d cry.

Toth gets the tone of this memoir just right: although she is honest, she is never melodramatic; although she often feels sorry for herself, she also recognizes how lucky she has been, not just to have done a good job of looking after James, but to have had him in her life at all. Theirs was a second marriage and James was 15 years her senior, so at some level she always knew that she could be a widow for many years – yet that was no damper on the years they did have together. Even when James was at his weakest, when the disease had reduced him to a mere shadow of his old self, the love they’d shared for decades still remained.

Although I found this to be a beautiful and touching story, I did occasionally wonder what it could have been like if Toth had written the whole thing after the fact, rather than piecing it together from contemporaneous journal entries. It’s hard to say which approach would have been more successful. The journal entry format does have the advantage of making readers feel they are right there in the moment with Toth and James, but the lengthy introduction and a concluding chapter written a year after his death also introduces the perspective of hindsight. Toth went back and found the vows she had made to James on their wedding day. They concluded with, “I promise to abide with you in sickness and in health...In short, I will do the best I can” – and that is just what she did. No saints around here, just ordinary people doing their best to live up to the love they promised.

Many thanks to the University of Minnesota Press for providing me with an advance reading copy via NetGalley.

(This review originally appeared at Bookkaholic.)

[Mary Turck · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book shortly after my father died of Alzheimer's disease, after watching more than a decade of my mother's devoted caregiving. Unlike Toth, she had no home health care aides to share the physical burden and keep him safe when he began to have balance problems and could no longer move about the house safely. Dad finally had to go to a nursing home. Before Dad, she had cared for his mother, and before that, for her own, as she and Dad finished raising the ten of us. Her lifetime has been caregiving.

As I drove back and forth from home to farm to nursing home in the last months, I thought about caregiving as a new reality in my own life. Susan Allen Toth's story of caregiving during the last few years of her husband's living/dying with Parkinson's and the associated dementia struck me because of its title: I know I am no saint. I know that even accepting the role does not mean an end to wishing it were not so, or to losing patience.

Toth's journal entries reveal the texture of her caregiving days and nights, with challenges and failures and regrets as well as devotion and determination that this is the right thing to do. I appreciate her honesty and her gift for storytelling. Her story is not my mother's story or my own, but it is a story that asserts the importance of caregiving and, in the telling, affirms us, too.

[Mary's Bookshelf · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been a fan of Susan Allen Toth's travel narratives about England for many years. When I checked to see if she had written anything recently, I found this memoir of caring for her beloved husband James in his last years with Parkinson's Disease. In the last eighteen m0nths of his life, she kept a kind of journal to document how they were coping.
This is not a book for the recently grieving, or the faint of heart. Susan bluntly, and sometimes bitterly, talks about what it is like to care for a declining loved one. She covers the difficult task of brushing and flossing James' teeth, and trying to find the right kind of 'gentleman pads'. She freely admits that she was often tired, cranky, short-tempered, and bitter. But she also talks about how their shared love carried them through these tough times.

One thing she touches on is loneliness. Most of James' friends and colleagues had fallen off the map and seldom visited or called, especially in his last year. She admits that they had a narrow circle of friends to call upon for support. She is rather cagey about the relationships with her stepchildren and how much help they were able to offer. Increasing dementia and lack of mobility contributed to this isolation. There is a very sad scene where they go to a neighbor's cookout and leave after half an hour. But one cannot help thinking that Susan projects indifference on people who would gladly help if they were only asked.
Susan made the decision to keep James at home rather than placing him in an assisted living place. She and James were fortunate that they had the means to hire home health carers to support her in this decision. But her hostility to nursing homes may be off-putting to readers who are not able to make the same choice that she did.
My own mother was in assisted living for the last years of her life and my husband and I were responsible for her care for the last year. I personally would not have been able to keep her in my home, so perhaps I feel a bit prickly about Susan's attitude to assisted living. I can certainly identify with the difficulties and joys of caring for a declining loved one.
Since the journal entries are only lightly edited after the fact, there is a certain amount of repetitiveness to the entries. Sometimes I wished that she had added more at the end to give an overall summation of her experience. Since James had PD for fourteen years and died at the age of 84, it would have been nice to know how much they had planned and discussed before he went into a steep decline.
I recommend this for anyone who is currently a caregiver or who has been through the experience. Susan does not gloss over the difficulties and she gives some advice for getting through.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book was like listening to my mom. There were so many phrases I've heard her say when venting to me about taking care of my dad, who has Parkinson's. This book is so honest and direct. She is very lucky she's able to hire aides to come in and help so she can run errands. My parents do have some neighbors who have been a huge help and will sit with Dad, but I think she is getting to the point where she'll need more help during the day. I'm giving my copy to my mom. I think she will find a lot of strength and camaraderie in this book.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have never thought about having to brush my parents or my spouse’s teeth. Of course, I brush my children’s teeth right now, but in all the things I’ve witnessed or discussed regarding caregiving for a family member- I never thought about dental hygiene. In No Saints Around Here: A Caregiver’s Days, Susan Allen Toth notes that she hadn’t given much thought to having to mind her husbands oral health as his health declined, until her dentist pointed it out in no uncertain terms.

In sickness and in health doesn’t begin to cover that at some point you may be committing to flossing for another person. No Saints Around Here is Toth’s effort to document the hard slog of caregiving for another person before death. So often, we have accounts of grief or memorials, but rarely a day-to-day remembrance and recalling of the ins and outs, the frustrations and indignities, the rays of light and the swaths of dark that come with being a primary caregiver.

Toth takes care to note that she did have help, nursing care and friends, with caring for her husband, James. Nevertheless, she notes that their time together before his death is more unusual. Not everyone is equipped emotionally or financially to care for a loved one at home. Not all sick or aged people are suited to home care. It is hard to make the decisions because such problems are entangled with guilt, desires, hurts, expectations, and history.

Toth mentions choosing the “beige lie” when discussing the situation of her husband’s health and her coping:

Mostly I pick the beige lie. This is a white lie with a shading of truth, enough to add a slight off tinge that suggests not everything was completely wonderful. Beige lies are useful for people who are asking out of politeness. They really don’t want details. They certainly don’t want to hear a long wail of discouragement. But they have taken the trouble to ask, and I take a little trouble to answer. (1032/2552)

So often, people in caregiving situations give the beige lies- to those outside the situation, to their loved one, to themselves. Allowing the purple truth- the difficulty of dealing with myriad emotions- is not something that many people can physically handle and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Toth kept a careful journal and this helpful book is written from her notes and memories. It is not possible for most people to be engaged with love and pain and to maintain the distance to write in truth about all that surfaces in such a difficult time.

The reason this book, No Saints Around Here, is such an asset is because it does, eventually, reveal that truth- that guilt and devotion can live together. Toth shares “the dark conundrum of caregiving: you want, and you don’t want.” I would recommend this book to anyone who is not currently caregiving or in a fresh grieving state. Hearing this story would help us all to think about the depth of gentleness, relief, and faithful support we can give to our neighbors and friends when they are caring for their loved ones. The book can help us learn to shape the words of our own needs to others when we are the caregivers. Through Toth’s revelations, we can, once again, be jumped started into the public and private conversations we need to have about end of life wishes, care, and plans.





I received a copy of this book on loan from NetGalley for review, with no promises of compensation and no promises with regard to the content of the review.

[Marcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan Allen Toth's voice clearly, hauntingly, bluntly describes the demands a caregiver experiences - and attendant frustration, anger, hopelessness an also joy, reward, and humor - during her husband's 10-year battle with Parkinson's. Amazingly, her collection of memories covers the last 18 months of James's life, the most demanding. It is trite to say, I suppose, that this book is real. But there you have it. As a caregiver to my father during his illness before he died, and now to my mother (may she at 86 be still granted years in her own home), it rang true. Not pablum, but the real grit of caregiving. Not platitude but honest encouragement. Not embarrassment but acknowledgment of the humanness we all share. This book allowed me to feel what so many other caregivers feel and experience. Susan's prose is both spare and detailed, unflinching an compassionate. If you are a caregiver, will be, or have been, don't miss it.

[MountainAshleah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Back in the 90s I became a Toth fan from her girlhood memoirs. They were breezy, upbeat accounts as were her travel books, which I also enjoyed. I remembered reading about her husband James and wishing I would one day meet such a wonderful companion. I never did. But when I saw this book on the library shelf, I knew I had to read it if only to find out what had happened in their marriage. What a sad, but ultimately heartfelt and poignant account, particularly the second half of the memoir. The first few essays seethed with much too much bitterness for me, almost bordering on cruelty. But Toth redeems the narrative later as the essays become less hasty, more thoughtful, more somber. I can't say I enjoyed this book, but it certainly was worth reading. It's an account that every caregiver should read.

[Sherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, amazing book. If a book can give you a hug this one hugged and held me. I love the author's straightforward writing and the honesty--it is not holier than thou. . . I am re reading it again before it's due back at the library. I read it while I'm waiting for my child's umpteenth appointment at Children's and wish I could give it to every parent I see there.

[Kravosecki Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease a year ago at the age of 67. For several months I had noticed tremors in my right hand and the shaking of my right foot when I was sitting. My normally beautiful cursive writing was now small, cramped printing. And I tended to lose my balance. The neurologist had me walk down the hall and said I didn't swing my right arm. I had never noticed! I was in denial for a while, as there is no history in my family of parents and five older siblings, but I had to accept I had classic symptoms. I was taking amantadine and carbidopa/levodopa and was about to start physical therapy to strengthen muscles. I used different supplements that didn't work, so last July, I tried the PD-5 protocol—the best decision ever! My tremors eased, my energy returned, and I sleep soundly. I feel like a new woman, and I can walk and exercise again.  I got the PD-5 from www. limitlesshealthcenter. com

[John Benson · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this poignant, but also, at times, humorous, book brings out the journal entries, that Susan Allen Toth wrote during the last 1 1/2 years of caregiving for her husband as he suffered from Parkinsons and dementia. She brings out her deep love for James, but also the frustrations of always being on call as a caregiver. In it you feel her ambivalence as she wants these constant worries to stop but knowing that they will only stop with the death of her husband. I found the book easy to read, honest, and one that captures their love and her frustrations with this role well. In looking through many other reviews, many be caregivers, it is a book that has been appreciated by so many of them, as it captures their lives very well.

[Joan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not to be missed. Incredibly moving, at times heart-rending and occasionally funny, by the wonderful essayist and memoirist Susan Allen Toth. The writer relates her feelings and the sad experience of caring for her much-older husband at home as he declined and ultimately passed away from Parkinson's Disease.

[Erin Bigler · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well written, honest story about the reality and struggles of caring for a loved one with dementia and Parkinson's. Not exactly a thrilling page-turner....this was a rather depressing read. I found it interesting, however, because my grandmother suffered the same disease.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

A raw, honest, well-written book about the daily life of a caregiver of a loved one.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emotional

[Mommcgee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just a BEAUTIFUL book!
SO FULL OF LOVE!

[Gotogrrl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an honest, ruthless yet tender book about caregiving - the physical, mental, spiritual toll it takes that we would pay over and over again for the people we love.

[Sherri Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

hard to read cuz of the subject matter BUT great to read cuz of the humor, love, family, friends, beginnings, ends........

[╟ ♫ Tima ♪ ╣ ♥ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this ARC for free in exchange for an honest review. This memoir will be published for your reading pleasure on 1 April 2014

The gist: A collection of essays chronicling the author's time as caregiver for her Parkinson's afflicted husband. Self-proclaimed by author to be the book not yet written on caregiving.

First things first: The pre-face and the introduction take up the first 18% of the book. It's over-explanatory and very lengthy. It reads as a book report. She even separates the introduction into subtitles of "Beginning", "Middle" and "End", etc. She goes on to explain the editing process for the essays (seems more fitting for an afterword) and tells half-stories - ending them with "You'll find this story in "[insert essay name here]".

By the end of the introduction, I felt I had read a complete overview of the story that touched on all the important highlights. For goodness sake, she even included an essay as a part of the introduction.

The cons: For the most part, this book read like a report. Overly-explanatory on parts that didn't need to be (ie: pausing to remind readers during which essays she had already mentioned something in) and not detailed enough in others. I really didn't like her broad generalizations about how all caregivers feel the same way during things. Though, this could be due to the difference between my caregiving experience and hers. In her case, her husband was quite elderly (mid-80s) and she was older and retired, as well. In my case, I was 17 and caregiving for my 37 year old father who was dying of brain cancer - diagnosed 8 months after the birth of my baby sister. I think the stark difference skewed my ability empathize with the author.

A part that really stuck with me, leaving a bad taste in my mouth, was her equating her caregiving experience to that of a single mother. Let me tell you what, being able to afford several aides per day, all the home medical equipment, the specialist doctors and the medication - without working or having Medicaid assistance - is *NOT* at all like a single parent. She was extremely lucky to be able to afford these things without stressing about the money as much and still being able to take a trip to London. No single parent could do this without immense financial assistance.

The pros: Despite the cons, there were some refreshing pros to this book. There were moments of stark honesty about the dark humor required to get through incontinence, mishaps, commodes and the like. There were moments where I strongly related with her guilt of thinking, "When will this just be over?". From being so exhausted you just want it to end and immediately regretting that you had such a thought because you'll soon be wishing you had more time. It was nice (in a dark way) to hear someone saying the things I thought. Noticing that family and close friends sometimes drift away, not knowing how to react to the diminished the state of a formerly strong figure in their life. How isolating it can be, how very few people in your day-to-day life truly understand the weight you take on in each task. I would recommend this book to widows who've lost their spouses to similar long-term diseases - though perhaps not for many years after the passing. Moreso, I would recommend this to detached family of caregivers, the ones who've distanced themselves. Reading this might allow them a peak into what their loved one has been going through, give them more understanding of the turned down invitations to lunches, the constant checking of the cell phone.

Quotes That Stood Out :

1) ""So much." I think that simple phrase could easily be the motto emblazoned on a caregiver's shield. Love, pain courage, endurance, loss. So much, so much".
2) "A caregiver needs to make plans, but she should always make them in disappearing ink".

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5. Brutally and graciously truthful snippets of life as a caregiver.

[Luann Habecker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Keep thinking how I soooo should've read these memoirs while I was caring for Grandma.
Oh the things I would do differently.... regrets

But that's the irony because you're too tired and busy to be reading memoirs in the midst of it all.... especially when you're trying to escape.

of note;

pg 77 After all, I need to remember I still exist. I am not only a caregiver.

pg 91-92 so this is what it feels like to be disabled and ignored. If i had been in that laughing, chatting group, would i have made the necessary effort? Would i have walked over to greet an older couple sitting alone together? I liked to think so, but what i sure?

pg 95 .. i sometimes indulge myself in composing a little speech. I imagine myself delivering it at James's funeral. I wouldn't want to be vengeful i tell myself. No, no, certainly not. Maybe i could say something like this: "I want to thank those of you who interrupted your very hectic lives to spend a little time with James in these last months and years. He valued your visits more than you'll ever know. Your kindness meant a great deal to both of us, and i hope someday, if you are old and infirm, you will find that attention repaid in turn to you." Then i picture myself smiling one of my phoniest smiles and running a piercing laser beam over the crowd.

pg 115 i think of time differently. He is leaving me.

pg 129 That is the dark conundrum of care giving: you want, and you don't want.

pg 135 Now i keep lecturing myself: Do not think of hospice as a waiting room. Do not play hide-and-seek with death. Do not try to penetrate that fog in the future. This is today; stay there.

pg 161 (Revelations for caregivers are sometimes just solutions we've avoided seeing)

pg 178 I wonder how even the most gregarious and outgoing caregivers can keep up "a large circle of dear friends." Where do they find the time? Friendships take maintenance. A full-time caregiver does not have much time-absorbing attention to spread around.

pg 189 James still intends to live until life is wrenched from him

pg 205 Two weeks later, people ask me, "How are you doing?" I don't know what to say. Any long-term caregiver for someone with a chronic, progressive disease with dementia probably struggles with warring emotions. The battle ground is constantly shifting. Numbness, disbelief, stabbing pain, relief, anxiety, calm, guilt, satisfaction, unnerving questions, blankness. A gradual sense of slowing down. Less whirring. Brief peace. Then stabbing pain again. A return of numbness. I usually answer, "I think i'm doing okay." What else can i say?

pg 209 still dazed from James's death... i was also often disoriented. i wasn't always sure where i was. i didn't quite know who i was now. i felt lost.

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

While logging the previous books about England I read from Toth years ago in ‘goodreads’ I found this most recent book and checked it out right away. It’s a very well-written account of the last year she spent being caretaker to her husband James, stricken with end stage Parkinson’s disease. Her writing of the constant vigilance of his day-to-day care transitioned at the end to hour-to-hour care was painfully clear. Her frank confessions of how she hated to be needed to floss & brush his teeth and when her husband’s incontinence meant she had to learn about men’s pads. Of particular interest to me was how she coped with his mental decline. She sublimated herself in so many ways in caring for him at home with a promise she’d never place him in a nursing home. I found myself both admiring, and identifying with her. Life myself she needs quiet, uses a noise machine to sleep, must write to make sense of her life. I feel if we were to meet we’d have much in common, only she is a far better writer than I could ever hope to be.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've read about caregiving a loved one! Especially if you know someone with Parkinson's disease- the author's husband.

I suspect each one of us, will be in this situation at sometime in their life, whether for a parent, sibling, spouse or child — Susan bears her soul in a way that is as candid as it is soulful. My favorite chapter (they're all short and poignant) was How's James? Do you tell the truth? Give a short white lie, pink or purple— because who really wants to know (or has the time) to hear EVERYTHING!

Loved it so much I'm going to buy copies to give as a gift to other caretakers I know.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caring for a spouse with a fatal disease is never easy. As much as we want to be all-loving and giving, no one can be all good all the time. In this memoir about her final year caring for her husband James through Parkinson’s disease, Toth shares her failures and successes taking care of the man she loves. She is honest about the times she is less than saintly. The chapters take us through the various challenges of Parkinson's, caregiving, and trying to keep them both alive and relatively happy. It’s a sad story, but not depressing. The couple’s love and Toth’s ability to see all sides of what’s happening make this book an enjoyable read. Toth, author of numerous other books, tells it well.

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book through a giveaway and glad that I did. As a nurse, often I wonder about the role of a primary caregiver. I see the patient in the hospital but at the end of my 12 hour shift, I leave and go home and try not to take it with me. This memoir gave me a better understanding of how truly emotionally and physically taxing taking care of someone with a terminal illness day in and day out.

Beautifully written!

[Larry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on similar experiences I have had, this author has compiled a real world look into the life of one who is caring for a loved one whose life is ravaged by a progressive disease. She is matter-of-fact in her presentation and spares nothing in the telling. It presents a realistic look at the frustration caused by the disease. Good reading for those who are or might be facing similar circumstances.

[Kim Stephan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like a bad person (kind of like I'm throwing mud at someone's beloved aunt), but I really did not like this book. The only reason I'm giving it 2 stars is because Toth is an excellent writer. However, throughout the memoir, I found her whiny and self-martyring and judgmental (which again, feels horrible to write, given the amazing caregiving she provided to her husband with Parkinson's, but so be it).

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a series of essays that Susan Toth wrote during the last 18 months of her husband's life with Parkinson's. She kept him home and was his primary caregiver. It did induce a bit of guilt in me for not doing the same, but I know that I made the best decision for me. This might be especially helpful for those who have friends who are caregiver; it may give insight into what the caregiver is going though.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read most of Susan Allen Toth's earlier work and enjoyed it. It is hard to say that I enjoyed this book because the subject matter - her husband's decline/death due to Parkinson's disease is more sad and unnerving that enjoyable. Nonetheless, Toth manages to find dark humor and demonstrates true love and compassion as she writes about her days as his caretaker. It is a very worthwhile book to read.

[Joanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Susan Allen Toth taught at Macalister College. Her books about growing in Ames, Iowa are descriptive of Midwest living. She also wrote three tour books of traveling in England with her husband, architect James Stageberg. This is a loving telling of caring for her husband as he dies of Parkinson's and dementia.

[Mary Vejr · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author shares an honest account of being a caregiver for her husband until his death. She includes the many frustrations and the sadness she experiences as well as the many ways she works to give her husband joy and comfort in his final years. Toth's experiences shed a light on the challenges faced by caregivers who wish to keep their loved one at home as long as possible.