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21st Century Girls: How Female Minds Develop, How to Raise Bright, Balanced Girls and Why Today's World Needs Them More Than Ever
A must-have guide to raising girls in the 21st century
Childhood, as a stage in human development, has been steadily eroded, as children today are introduced to 21st century adult values and behavior long before they are developmentally ready to cope with them. In this important polemic, Sue Palmer believes that if we don't get a grip on this problem soon, the increase in developmental disorders, behavioral difficulties, and mental health problems recorded by experts over recent decades will soon roll out of control. The challenges Sue discusses include parenting in an age of materialism, the way gender wars have intensified parenting problems, the debate about the "female brain," why contemporary culture can be so damaging for children, and the issues involved in detoxifying family life. Based on the latest global research, she gives parents the warm, strong guidance that girls need including how to give them the best start possible, how to support their development throughout the early years, how to deal with our highly sexualized and materialistic society, and how to make sure they grow up into confident and balanced women. Every parent, grandparent, teacher, and caregiver of girls needs to read this book.
Childhood, as a stage in human development, has been steadily eroded, as children today are introduced to 21st century adult values and behavior long before they are developmentally ready to cope with them. In this important polemic, Sue Palmer believes that if we don't get a grip on this problem soon, the increase in developmental disorders, behavioral difficulties, and mental health problems recorded by experts over recent decades will soon roll out of control. The challenges Sue discusses include parenting in an age of materialism, the way gender wars have intensified parenting problems, the debate about the "female brain," why contemporary culture can be so damaging for children, and the issues involved in detoxifying family life. Based on the latest global research, she gives parents the warm, strong guidance that girls need including how to give them the best start possible, how to support their development throughout the early years, how to deal with our highly sexualized and materialistic society, and how to make sure they grow up into confident and balanced women. Every parent, grandparent, teacher, and caregiver of girls needs to read this book.
- GenresNonfiction
294 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2013
12 people are currently reading
78 people want to read
About the author
Sue Palmer
316 books7 followersSue Palmer is a former primary headteacher in the Borders of Scotland. She is a literacy specialist, writer, presenter and 'childhood campaigner'. She has written widely on aspects of literacy. She chaired the Scottish Play Commission, served on the Scottish Government's Early Years Task Force and currently chairs the Upstart Scotland campaign.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
November 25, 2019
Perhaps the most interesting idea in this book comes in the conclusion. While the majority of the preceding pages have covered how and why you can attempt to shelter your daughter from damaging cultural developments, the final section includes some musings on the harm that feminism has done to our view of motherhood. ‘Our cultural concept of motherhood is so wrapped up in negative attitudes to traditional women’s work,’ the author posits, ‘that many women (particularly well-educated ones with reasonably high-status jobs) find the sudden transition to the low-status occupation of child-carer triggers a serious identity crisis.’
The author is Sue Palmer, a former teacher, literary specialist and now author on child development. The book concludes with a rallying cry for a new respect for motherhood – something more important than ‘the gender-neutral concept of parenting’. Palmer claims that mothers have the first and the strongest bond with baby, both physical and emotional, and that women’s natural empathy makes them the ideal ‘primary attachment figure’.
And this is where I had most problems with 21st Century Girls. While it generally advocates a kind of feminist parenting, underpinning it is the doctrine of S-type vs E-type thinking. This is the belief that male and female brains are essentially different and function via Systemic (male) or Empathetic (female) thinking. Loving Cordelia Fine as I do, and seeing stereotyping as A Bad Thing, I can’t get on board with this. So while Palmer is fan-girling Simon Baron-Cohen’s neuro(pseudo)science, my scepticism is sounding the alarm. (Seriously, Fine did such a thorough demolition job, I don’t know how anyone can adhere to this theory. And, you know, he is actually Borat’s cousin…)
TOXIC CHILDHOOD
However, back to the mainstay of the book, which is common-sense parenting aimed at establishing a healthy self-worth in girls. Palmer wrote this book, and predecessors, including Toxic Childhood, due to concerns over how social developments have changed the ways in which we’re raising our children. She believes that girls are at crisis point following a huge, three-pronged social and cultural shift:
Competitive consumerism
Technological innovation
Sexual revolution
These combine to create an identity crisis for girls. They have been driven to aspire to the images of perfectionism (while concurrently seeing themselves sexually objectified) in all the advertising and on all the screens now around them, that they are pressurised and confused by how to achieve this impossible ideal.
Much of the blame is laid at the doors of marketers, who create the increasingly targeted advertising that encourages girls to judge themselves by their appearance and their possessions. As well as the sales driver of producing both a girls’ and boys’ version of many toys and games, and helpfully colour-coding them pink and blue, marketers are now producing ever-more gendered products which attract girls who want to strengthen their sense of belonging to their core social grouping.
Linked to this is the phenomenon of what Palmer terms KAGOY (Kids Are Getting Older Younger). As well as aligning with their peers who are most obviously of the same gender, children typically try to emulate slightly older kids. She suggests that as manufacturers noticed that certain products (typically make-up, bikinis etc) were in demand from slightly younger girls than the original target market, they responded by adapting these items for the younger audience. And when consumerism here was normalised, an even younger market was targeted. “This normalisation process travelled down the food chain until items once sold only to adult women (such as high-heeled shoes and make-up) are now available in sizes and packaging aimed at girls of almost any age.”
She also rails against ‘Princess Culture’ as “an extremely gender-stereotyped slope, leading girls down the age-old road to female objectification”. The issue here is all the “prettified paraphernalia” – what are toys and what are clothing/accessories? – bleeding into normal life so that girls may insist on wearing fancy, impractical, decorative clothes everyday. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when these girls start living the dream as a “self-obsessed and high-handed … small, pink potentate” (I love that phrase!).
Another interesting segment revolves around how little girls discover that acting or looking cute gets them what they want. If such demureness achieves approval, it’s likely to result in continued attempts to appear pretty, which Palmer predicts will result in “a personal self-objectification project that leads to issues with body image and a growing preoccupation with girly pursuits like fashion, shopping and makeovers.” Which has been a bit of a wake-up call on how I treat my 4yo…
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX…
After tracing the childhood of girls as they grow up surrounded by society-endorsed messages of objectification, we come to the crucial chapter on sex. It feels as if this is where the whole book has been heading. Concerns about the effect of seeing sexualised women all around us – and how this seeps into both the consciousness of young girls and young men – have contributed to some valid advice to parents on teenage sexuality. Sorry for quoting so extensively, but I think it’s useful (even as a little traditionalist moralising simmers beneath the surface)…
“Women who allow themselves to be used sexually, or who model their own sex lives on those of men behaving badly through the ages, deny their own humanity – sexual exploitation is sexual exploitation, no matter who does what to whom.”
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be desired, but women who turn themselves into little more than an object of desire also deny their humanity – objectification is objectification, even if you choose to objectify yourself.”
“There’s no recipe for a happy sex life, no way of avoiding pain if things go wrong, no guarantee that you’ll ever find The One. But there is one eternal truth: love matters. In the absence of a widely accepted moral code, hold fast to that.”
In the end, we come back round to the women’s E-type sensibilities and their natural-born abilities to be child-rearers. I’ve skated over how much of the book revolves around S-type and E-type differences in an effort to highlight what I found to be the most interesting and valuable lessons, but it seems a shaky premise to underpin a treatise on raising independent, confident, secure and autonomous girls.
The author is Sue Palmer, a former teacher, literary specialist and now author on child development. The book concludes with a rallying cry for a new respect for motherhood – something more important than ‘the gender-neutral concept of parenting’. Palmer claims that mothers have the first and the strongest bond with baby, both physical and emotional, and that women’s natural empathy makes them the ideal ‘primary attachment figure’.
And this is where I had most problems with 21st Century Girls. While it generally advocates a kind of feminist parenting, underpinning it is the doctrine of S-type vs E-type thinking. This is the belief that male and female brains are essentially different and function via Systemic (male) or Empathetic (female) thinking. Loving Cordelia Fine as I do, and seeing stereotyping as A Bad Thing, I can’t get on board with this. So while Palmer is fan-girling Simon Baron-Cohen’s neuro(pseudo)science, my scepticism is sounding the alarm. (Seriously, Fine did such a thorough demolition job, I don’t know how anyone can adhere to this theory. And, you know, he is actually Borat’s cousin…)
TOXIC CHILDHOOD
However, back to the mainstay of the book, which is common-sense parenting aimed at establishing a healthy self-worth in girls. Palmer wrote this book, and predecessors, including Toxic Childhood, due to concerns over how social developments have changed the ways in which we’re raising our children. She believes that girls are at crisis point following a huge, three-pronged social and cultural shift:
Competitive consumerism
Technological innovation
Sexual revolution
These combine to create an identity crisis for girls. They have been driven to aspire to the images of perfectionism (while concurrently seeing themselves sexually objectified) in all the advertising and on all the screens now around them, that they are pressurised and confused by how to achieve this impossible ideal.
Much of the blame is laid at the doors of marketers, who create the increasingly targeted advertising that encourages girls to judge themselves by their appearance and their possessions. As well as the sales driver of producing both a girls’ and boys’ version of many toys and games, and helpfully colour-coding them pink and blue, marketers are now producing ever-more gendered products which attract girls who want to strengthen their sense of belonging to their core social grouping.
Linked to this is the phenomenon of what Palmer terms KAGOY (Kids Are Getting Older Younger). As well as aligning with their peers who are most obviously of the same gender, children typically try to emulate slightly older kids. She suggests that as manufacturers noticed that certain products (typically make-up, bikinis etc) were in demand from slightly younger girls than the original target market, they responded by adapting these items for the younger audience. And when consumerism here was normalised, an even younger market was targeted. “This normalisation process travelled down the food chain until items once sold only to adult women (such as high-heeled shoes and make-up) are now available in sizes and packaging aimed at girls of almost any age.”
She also rails against ‘Princess Culture’ as “an extremely gender-stereotyped slope, leading girls down the age-old road to female objectification”. The issue here is all the “prettified paraphernalia” – what are toys and what are clothing/accessories? – bleeding into normal life so that girls may insist on wearing fancy, impractical, decorative clothes everyday. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when these girls start living the dream as a “self-obsessed and high-handed … small, pink potentate” (I love that phrase!).
Another interesting segment revolves around how little girls discover that acting or looking cute gets them what they want. If such demureness achieves approval, it’s likely to result in continued attempts to appear pretty, which Palmer predicts will result in “a personal self-objectification project that leads to issues with body image and a growing preoccupation with girly pursuits like fashion, shopping and makeovers.” Which has been a bit of a wake-up call on how I treat my 4yo…
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX…
After tracing the childhood of girls as they grow up surrounded by society-endorsed messages of objectification, we come to the crucial chapter on sex. It feels as if this is where the whole book has been heading. Concerns about the effect of seeing sexualised women all around us – and how this seeps into both the consciousness of young girls and young men – have contributed to some valid advice to parents on teenage sexuality. Sorry for quoting so extensively, but I think it’s useful (even as a little traditionalist moralising simmers beneath the surface)…
“Women who allow themselves to be used sexually, or who model their own sex lives on those of men behaving badly through the ages, deny their own humanity – sexual exploitation is sexual exploitation, no matter who does what to whom.”
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be desired, but women who turn themselves into little more than an object of desire also deny their humanity – objectification is objectification, even if you choose to objectify yourself.”
“There’s no recipe for a happy sex life, no way of avoiding pain if things go wrong, no guarantee that you’ll ever find The One. But there is one eternal truth: love matters. In the absence of a widely accepted moral code, hold fast to that.”
In the end, we come back round to the women’s E-type sensibilities and their natural-born abilities to be child-rearers. I’ve skated over how much of the book revolves around S-type and E-type differences in an effort to highlight what I found to be the most interesting and valuable lessons, but it seems a shaky premise to underpin a treatise on raising independent, confident, secure and autonomous girls.
July 20, 2023
toxic childhood continued and expanded, a little misleading title, but the content is nevertheless not disappointing at all. highly recommended for anyone who read toxic childhood. If not, go now and read it!
August 28, 2020
I know this book from @farhatamin_uk recommendation on instagram and I was really inspired by her talk about islam and feminism , thus I decided to buy this book on kindle.
I wasn't expecting this book to be a parenting book (well, actually it was and written clearly on the title, nis wkwk) but I find myself enjoying this book despite not being married and not raising a kid right not.
This book discuss many aspects of child development and what challenges present for parents to deal with and tackle in 21st century. Those are media, food, technology, gender, fashion, etc which are all relatable to capitalism. I found this book intriguing and interesting as well since it comes from western people (which is the origin of capitalism, liberalism, feminism).
Honestly, this is the first parenting book I've ever read but I got many new insights regarding parenting. And I think I should complement this with other Islamic parenting book.
I wasn't expecting this book to be a parenting book (well, actually it was and written clearly on the title, nis wkwk) but I find myself enjoying this book despite not being married and not raising a kid right not.
This book discuss many aspects of child development and what challenges present for parents to deal with and tackle in 21st century. Those are media, food, technology, gender, fashion, etc which are all relatable to capitalism. I found this book intriguing and interesting as well since it comes from western people (which is the origin of capitalism, liberalism, feminism).
Honestly, this is the first parenting book I've ever read but I got many new insights regarding parenting. And I think I should complement this with other Islamic parenting book.
June 23, 2020
Anti-feminist drivel. Quote 'Female movers and shakers [working women] aren't usually all that impressed with motherhood'. On early feminists: they were 'merely stirring up resentment', their 'vituperation also had a slight favour of victimhood, which made their complaints sound like whingeing'. Just no.
May 14, 2022
Good book but not so focused on 'girls' as I thought it would be. Books that focus on boys (that I have read) seem to really go on a deep dive of the psychology and stages of life. Palmer focuses more on the theory that girls are typically more intuitive and what that means in a world built by more logical thinking males.
July 14, 2015
There were a few parts of this book that I enjoyed. One was the author's take/research on the sexualization of 21st century girls and ways to discourage it. Open and consistent dialogue, trust, honesty, correct use of terminology, and creating a foundation of a solid family unit and "village" of competent and trusted adults that our children can turn to are all excellent points, if common sense.
I strongly disliked most of the book. Maybe the research done on the brains of young children over the past four years has dramatically improved since Sue Palmer wrote her book, but I found many of the facts outdated or just completely off base. In her conclusion she addresses that in an academic setting the greatest influence on a child's life is a primary caregiver with great empathy, especially when it comes to children, and goes on to say that a network of great empathizers (in the form of caregivers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc) has been proven to greatly improve a child's quality of life...for most of the book she ignores these other crucial elements in a child's life and puts Mother's on a high, gilded pedestal.
Although I know the book is titled "21st Century Girls" there also seemed to be not only a great onus placed on companies and marketing, but it also completely disregards the obvious fact that her solutions for raising competent, self-aware, creative, individual girls is equally as applicable to boys and in an effort to suggest ways to end gender disparities she drives a wedge between the upbringings of boys and girls. It would seem that it is in her best interest to do so, because the book "21st Century Boys" also exists, but in reality, her suggestions are practical ways to raise CHILDREN, and shouldn't be gender specific at all.
As a Mom of two girls and a caregiver for boys the fact of the matter is that if you raise all children to be conscientious, polite, family oriented, and maintain open and honest dialogue while also fostering their genuine interests, you'll find yourself with conscientious, polite, family oriented, open and honest teenagers and adults (for the most part). If you treat your children equally regardless of gender and encourage great empathy combined with great ambition they mostly turn out well rounded no matter what their general tendencies. I know powerful out-spoken women who played in the mud in spite of expectations placed upon them and I know reserved, polite boys who defied their stereotypes as well.
Instead of trying to veer children towards displaying the stereotypes of their genders or defying them, it seems to be in their best interest to provide them with a variety of options and let them choose for themselves.
Sue Palmer made a valiant effort to assert that girls can be just as playful and active as boys, while also excelling academically, but it didn't need to be in an entire book of it's own. She could have written "21st Century Children" and left it at that. Largely, it seemed like I was reading a very long rant inspired by other books from other authors. And she lost me immediately when right out of the gate she claimed she "wasn't a feminist". Come on Sue Palmer...come on.
I strongly disliked most of the book. Maybe the research done on the brains of young children over the past four years has dramatically improved since Sue Palmer wrote her book, but I found many of the facts outdated or just completely off base. In her conclusion she addresses that in an academic setting the greatest influence on a child's life is a primary caregiver with great empathy, especially when it comes to children, and goes on to say that a network of great empathizers (in the form of caregivers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc) has been proven to greatly improve a child's quality of life...for most of the book she ignores these other crucial elements in a child's life and puts Mother's on a high, gilded pedestal.
Although I know the book is titled "21st Century Girls" there also seemed to be not only a great onus placed on companies and marketing, but it also completely disregards the obvious fact that her solutions for raising competent, self-aware, creative, individual girls is equally as applicable to boys and in an effort to suggest ways to end gender disparities she drives a wedge between the upbringings of boys and girls. It would seem that it is in her best interest to do so, because the book "21st Century Boys" also exists, but in reality, her suggestions are practical ways to raise CHILDREN, and shouldn't be gender specific at all.
As a Mom of two girls and a caregiver for boys the fact of the matter is that if you raise all children to be conscientious, polite, family oriented, and maintain open and honest dialogue while also fostering their genuine interests, you'll find yourself with conscientious, polite, family oriented, open and honest teenagers and adults (for the most part). If you treat your children equally regardless of gender and encourage great empathy combined with great ambition they mostly turn out well rounded no matter what their general tendencies. I know powerful out-spoken women who played in the mud in spite of expectations placed upon them and I know reserved, polite boys who defied their stereotypes as well.
Instead of trying to veer children towards displaying the stereotypes of their genders or defying them, it seems to be in their best interest to provide them with a variety of options and let them choose for themselves.
Sue Palmer made a valiant effort to assert that girls can be just as playful and active as boys, while also excelling academically, but it didn't need to be in an entire book of it's own. She could have written "21st Century Children" and left it at that. Largely, it seemed like I was reading a very long rant inspired by other books from other authors. And she lost me immediately when right out of the gate she claimed she "wasn't a feminist". Come on Sue Palmer...come on.
March 15, 2015
The mass of research which underpins this book is unpacked in helpful notes and references at the back. This is great but it can create the impression of the main text being a series of sweeping generalisations about male brains, female experiences, class inequalities and social evils. However, the kind of person who reads it is going to agree with Palmer on most counts, and it's both pleasing and scary to find the research backs up your gut instincts abut modern parenting challenges. The timelines giving practical advice on areas such as technology, sex and relationships are concise and practical, which helps to mitigate against some of the doomladen messages about the.modern world.
September 27, 2015
An interesting read. Most of it was common sense but there were some interesting theories on the types of toys you should give to your children and also the research on how successful Finnish schools are. At times, it felt a bit preachy, like someone was saying "Back in my day we did it like this, and it was much better".
September 27, 2015
Great book!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews