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Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules
Modern life calls for modern relationship advice. Sex From Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules is a love and dating guidebook that gleans real-life knowledge from smart people in a variety of nontraditional relationships. Instead of telling people how to snag a man and find “true love,” the book sums up what dozens of diverse folks have learned the hard way over time—including life advice from people who are making open relationships work to people who’ve decided they’re never going to have kids—that is helpful to anyone, in any type of relationship.
The eight-chapter book follows author Sarah Mirk as she tries to figure out what kind of relationships she wants to build for herself. The book includes lengthy interviews with Tristan Taormino, Erika Moen, Betty Dodson, Aya de Leon, Tomas Moniz, Tracy Clark-Flory, and others.
The eight-chapter book follows author Sarah Mirk as she tries to figure out what kind of relationships she wants to build for herself. The book includes lengthy interviews with Tristan Taormino, Erika Moen, Betty Dodson, Aya de Leon, Tomas Moniz, Tracy Clark-Flory, and others.
192 pages, Paperback
First published July 3, 2014
46 people are currently reading
1464 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Mirk
16 books96 followersSarah Mirk is a social justice-focused writer and artist.
She began her career as a reporter for alternative weekly newspapers The Stranger and The Portland Mercury, where she covered political issues and numerous colorful characters. From 2013 to 2017, she worked as the online editor of national feminism and pop culture nonprofit Bitch Media. In that role, she edited and published critical work from dozens of writers, ran social media pages with a reach of 1.5 million readers, and hosted the engaging feminist podcast Popaganda, whose 10,000 listeners tuned into episodes on topics ranging from environmental justice to reproductive rights. Starting in January 2017, she moved on to become a contributing editor at graphic journalism website The Nib, where she writes and edits nonfiction comics about history, politics, and identity, and also works as a writer on The Nib's animation series, which garnered nine million views its first season. Her first graphic novel, Open Earth, is debuting from Limerence Press in 2018, featuring illustrations by Eva Cabrera and Claudia Aguirre.
She is the author of Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules (Microcosm, 2014) an open-minded guide to dating that now in its second edition. Sarah also writes, draws, and edits print zines and comics, including the popular series Oregon History Comics, which tells little known and marginalized stories from Oregon’s past. She reviews graphic novels for Publisher's Weekly and is also a frequent political commentator
She began her career as a reporter for alternative weekly newspapers The Stranger and The Portland Mercury, where she covered political issues and numerous colorful characters. From 2013 to 2017, she worked as the online editor of national feminism and pop culture nonprofit Bitch Media. In that role, she edited and published critical work from dozens of writers, ran social media pages with a reach of 1.5 million readers, and hosted the engaging feminist podcast Popaganda, whose 10,000 listeners tuned into episodes on topics ranging from environmental justice to reproductive rights. Starting in January 2017, she moved on to become a contributing editor at graphic journalism website The Nib, where she writes and edits nonfiction comics about history, politics, and identity, and also works as a writer on The Nib's animation series, which garnered nine million views its first season. Her first graphic novel, Open Earth, is debuting from Limerence Press in 2018, featuring illustrations by Eva Cabrera and Claudia Aguirre.
She is the author of Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules (Microcosm, 2014) an open-minded guide to dating that now in its second edition. Sarah also writes, draws, and edits print zines and comics, including the popular series Oregon History Comics, which tells little known and marginalized stories from Oregon’s past. She reviews graphic novels for Publisher's Weekly and is also a frequent political commentator
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews
December 15, 2014
Full disclosure - I am an extremely monogamous,very married, fairly Catholic-ish now mom of a lovely baby, who has only ever dated one person in their life and been interested in only a few more than that (like, I can count them on one hand) so basically, this book is not for me. And as such, the basic "do what you feel like! be respectful and thoughtful about it!" message was not for me -- for me, the joy of relationships is in self-sacrifice and growing as a person through learning and changing with one partner, which, of course, comes with it's own set of problems and complications, but they are the ones I happily accept. Fundamentally, I disagreed with the premise of this book, which seems to be that one should be primarily refining and figuring themselves out as a singular person, before growing in community, and specifically the community of a family. I think it's kind of a bummer that we look at relationships that way -- "how does this work for me" rather than "how can I serve other people", but in reality, it's a mixture of that for everyone, and this book kind of sort of keeps that in mind, though doesn't (and probably doesn't need to) explore that fact explicitly.
Full disclosure part 2 - so why did I even read this? I went to school with Sarah Mirk and I think she is pretty awesome and smart and I was not disappointed and I hope she writes more and more and more.
SO, that said, it was well done! It was humorously and lightly written without being flippant -- it was thoughtfully arranged into different potential choices that might be viewed as a challenge to norms -- not dating (gasp!), non-monogamy, being childless by choice, etc. Mirk brought her own voice, as well as a diversity of voices both anonymous and famous to the table, and ends up most chapters with a bullet point list of sorts, of how to approach and talk about your choices with potential partners, friends, and nay-sayers alike. It is just a tad self-help-y, but like, super cool and not-high-and-mighty self-helpy. A little like Dan Savage minus the shock value plus intentional compassion. Is that high praise? I hope so. Well done, S.Mirk.
Full disclosure part 2 - so why did I even read this? I went to school with Sarah Mirk and I think she is pretty awesome and smart and I was not disappointed and I hope she writes more and more and more.
SO, that said, it was well done! It was humorously and lightly written without being flippant -- it was thoughtfully arranged into different potential choices that might be viewed as a challenge to norms -- not dating (gasp!), non-monogamy, being childless by choice, etc. Mirk brought her own voice, as well as a diversity of voices both anonymous and famous to the table, and ends up most chapters with a bullet point list of sorts, of how to approach and talk about your choices with potential partners, friends, and nay-sayers alike. It is just a tad self-help-y, but like, super cool and not-high-and-mighty self-helpy. A little like Dan Savage minus the shock value plus intentional compassion. Is that high praise? I hope so. Well done, S.Mirk.
December 27, 2015
3.5/5; 4 stars; A-
I wasn't really on the look out for a 'relationship' book when I was browsing our digital library but the concept behind this book caught my interest. I've long believed that there should be a few more options for adult relationships beyond the highly publicized religious models or the Disney type princess/prince style relationships. This was a great book for stimulating thought and opening the mind to possibilities.
Sarah Mirk does a good job of presenting several different models for non traditional relationships that can work for different people. From gay marriage to celibacy, to polyamory to childless couples, there is a large array of scenarios for loving relationships that can, and do, work.
Right up front the author tells her listeners that this is not a book that will provide a formula for happiness. Nor does she profess to be an expert or a person with all the answers. She acknowledges that her book covers a relatively narrow demographic; basically predominantly white Americans between the ages of 20 and 50.
I really enjoyed this book, even though I fall outside the demographic. It wasn't perfect; it was a bit rough in the technical details such as layout and flow and ended rather abruptly. Also, it gives relatively more air time towards polyamory and open style relationships. However, there is a lot of food for thought here and some interviews with very interesting people in the human sexuality spotlight such as educator Betty Dodson, feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino, and 'transgender trailblazer' Stu Rasmussen.
The audiobook is narrated by a host of artists, including a couple of my favorites, Julia Whelan and Bahni Turpin.
I wasn't really on the look out for a 'relationship' book when I was browsing our digital library but the concept behind this book caught my interest. I've long believed that there should be a few more options for adult relationships beyond the highly publicized religious models or the Disney type princess/prince style relationships. This was a great book for stimulating thought and opening the mind to possibilities.
Sarah Mirk does a good job of presenting several different models for non traditional relationships that can work for different people. From gay marriage to celibacy, to polyamory to childless couples, there is a large array of scenarios for loving relationships that can, and do, work.
Right up front the author tells her listeners that this is not a book that will provide a formula for happiness. Nor does she profess to be an expert or a person with all the answers. She acknowledges that her book covers a relatively narrow demographic; basically predominantly white Americans between the ages of 20 and 50.
I really enjoyed this book, even though I fall outside the demographic. It wasn't perfect; it was a bit rough in the technical details such as layout and flow and ended rather abruptly. Also, it gives relatively more air time towards polyamory and open style relationships. However, there is a lot of food for thought here and some interviews with very interesting people in the human sexuality spotlight such as educator Betty Dodson, feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino, and 'transgender trailblazer' Stu Rasmussen.
The audiobook is narrated by a host of artists, including a couple of my favorites, Julia Whelan and Bahni Turpin.
April 29, 2017
I think that this would be a good book for young adults, especially those who are looking for other options besides heteronormative monogamous relationships. But as someone who is older and has some experience with the subject matter, I found it to be more of an "introduction" and less helpful to me.
November 8, 2014
I've found this little gem because one of the girls the author interviews twitted about a radio interview they would be sharing together. And it turns out to be really good!
Instead of telling you "your relationship will fail because of this and this, and you must do this and this to save it", Sarah Mirk says something more in the lines of "maybe your entire relationship model is wrong. Have you considered these alternatives?" And then she goes along sharing histories from real people that are actually doing it.
And, to be honest, it really opened my mind to some things that I've never thought about.
Divided in chapters about the various kinds of human relationships, it goes from "Loving being single" to "Knowing when to split", passing through "Gender is messy", "building feminist relationships", "navigating non-monogamy" and so on.
My only "complain" (and it is not a real complain, it's just more a note), is that only one of the guest writers is a man. I think it would feel a lot easier to connect to these histories and advices if more of them were men, like me. I understand the author is a feminist, as I am myself, but as I see it, feminism is about equality. One could say that "these ideas about non-conventional relationships are girly things", since only women are talking about them in Mirk's book.
Another complain is about the Kindle edition, tha uses a faint grey font instead of the default black font. It's not author's fault, but anyway it's awful.
Anyway, I am leaning a LOT with these histories and the clear and honest way Sarah Mirk tells them. I've already bought a copy to my wife, and I'd like to buy one for every person I know. Because, yes, it is this good.
Thank you, Sarah Mirk. You really made some difference.
Instead of telling you "your relationship will fail because of this and this, and you must do this and this to save it", Sarah Mirk says something more in the lines of "maybe your entire relationship model is wrong. Have you considered these alternatives?" And then she goes along sharing histories from real people that are actually doing it.
And, to be honest, it really opened my mind to some things that I've never thought about.
Divided in chapters about the various kinds of human relationships, it goes from "Loving being single" to "Knowing when to split", passing through "Gender is messy", "building feminist relationships", "navigating non-monogamy" and so on.
My only "complain" (and it is not a real complain, it's just more a note), is that only one of the guest writers is a man. I think it would feel a lot easier to connect to these histories and advices if more of them were men, like me. I understand the author is a feminist, as I am myself, but as I see it, feminism is about equality. One could say that "these ideas about non-conventional relationships are girly things", since only women are talking about them in Mirk's book.
Another complain is about the Kindle edition, tha uses a faint grey font instead of the default black font. It's not author's fault, but anyway it's awful.
Anyway, I am leaning a LOT with these histories and the clear and honest way Sarah Mirk tells them. I've already bought a copy to my wife, and I'd like to buy one for every person I know. Because, yes, it is this good.
Thank you, Sarah Mirk. You really made some difference.
October 16, 2021
One-star rating = rant ...
I approached this with a "yeah, why not" kind of attitude. For a brief, incomprehensible period, I was actually totally enjoying it. But then it got progressively more and more repulsive, condescending, and laughable. Rather than a modern guide to sex (as I had kind of imagined it would be), it is instead just an expansive catalogue of testimonies (with further tepid commentary by radical left-wing journalist, Sarah Mirk) about all the non-traditional ways millennials may want to spice up their sex lives. Because fuck tradition, right?
Honestly, for all their supposed independence and self-congratulatory bullshit, the majority of the people in this book (Mirk included) seem more obsessed with tradition than anyone. Rather than just accepting that in a cohesive society, certain values, rituals and assumptions must naturally prevail, they are hellbent on eradicating any non-rebellious impulse that arises in their behaviour. Take the enlightened, twenty-first century father who's so "progressive" he actually forbids his daughters from wearing dresses, or having anything pink in the house. One of the countless spinsters-in-waiting says she "resents" herself if ever she wants to do something stereotypically feminine like knitting. Such an inspiring liberation of the mind.
Then you've got the constant and abundant woke nonsense. There's no such thing as a man with feminine attributes, or a girl who likes to play soccer in the mud. According to these open-minded souls, if you do not fit the most rigid stereotype of male and female, you ought to identify as whatever the hell you want, and God help anyone who makes the outrageous assumption your obvious biology has indication over your sex and gender.
Almost all the people interviewed in this book were assholes, and they have provided an adequate reminder of why - however much many conservatives annoy me - I could never, ever cross the centre and be anywhere nearer to such fucking lunatics. I guess, in its own sick way, one might say it's a necessary evil for the good of our species, that the majority of them will not procreate.
Keep using contraception and knock yourselves out with those vasectomies, kids!! We can only hope the children of normal parents will inherit a world that has finally seen and learned from what comes from such hedonist nihilism as this book espouses.
Clearly, I am the last kind of person Sarah Mirk wrote this book for. And hey, I just gave myself a compliment.
I approached this with a "yeah, why not" kind of attitude. For a brief, incomprehensible period, I was actually totally enjoying it. But then it got progressively more and more repulsive, condescending, and laughable. Rather than a modern guide to sex (as I had kind of imagined it would be), it is instead just an expansive catalogue of testimonies (with further tepid commentary by radical left-wing journalist, Sarah Mirk) about all the non-traditional ways millennials may want to spice up their sex lives. Because fuck tradition, right?
Honestly, for all their supposed independence and self-congratulatory bullshit, the majority of the people in this book (Mirk included) seem more obsessed with tradition than anyone. Rather than just accepting that in a cohesive society, certain values, rituals and assumptions must naturally prevail, they are hellbent on eradicating any non-rebellious impulse that arises in their behaviour. Take the enlightened, twenty-first century father who's so "progressive" he actually forbids his daughters from wearing dresses, or having anything pink in the house. One of the countless spinsters-in-waiting says she "resents" herself if ever she wants to do something stereotypically feminine like knitting. Such an inspiring liberation of the mind.
Then you've got the constant and abundant woke nonsense. There's no such thing as a man with feminine attributes, or a girl who likes to play soccer in the mud. According to these open-minded souls, if you do not fit the most rigid stereotype of male and female, you ought to identify as whatever the hell you want, and God help anyone who makes the outrageous assumption your obvious biology has indication over your sex and gender.
Almost all the people interviewed in this book were assholes, and they have provided an adequate reminder of why - however much many conservatives annoy me - I could never, ever cross the centre and be anywhere nearer to such fucking lunatics. I guess, in its own sick way, one might say it's a necessary evil for the good of our species, that the majority of them will not procreate.
Keep using contraception and knock yourselves out with those vasectomies, kids!! We can only hope the children of normal parents will inherit a world that has finally seen and learned from what comes from such hedonist nihilism as this book espouses.
Clearly, I am the last kind of person Sarah Mirk wrote this book for. And hey, I just gave myself a compliment.
August 18, 2015
Generally a good read for anyone striving to foster compassionate, equal, feminist relationships. Nothing particularly mind-blowing, but a really great reminder that relationships can be whatever YOU want them to be and that consideration and kindness is central to success, which is refreshing when traditional relationship templates feel suffocating/stagnant to you and are so focused on self-serving/what "someone else can do for me". Focuses on the process of growing and learning with another person. Pick it up!
September 7, 2014
Really well-organized, intuitive, and friendly guide to relationship stuff you wanted to learn about but were afraid to ask. The shorter lessons are generally well-thought out, not patronizing, and seem to be truly guided by Mirk's interviews with many, many, people.
In terms of the longer interviews, which are uniformly excellent, I'm biased towards the one with Andi Zeisler, since her mostly introverted enjoying being your partner in the same room but not talking trying to build a feminist relationship has some similarities to mine. Also, her analogy between knitting and marriage is brilliant.
No similarities to Betty Dodson, but the interview with her basically justifies the purchase of this book.
It's not even a quibble, but I probably have some suspicions about the use of biology to justify nonmonogamy. If social constructions explain monogamy, they also explain non-monogamy, right? I totally want to give opponents of oppressive, sexist, gendered, religious monogamy as much ammunition as they need to justify their relationships...but I also don't think they really need to justify their relationships with biology (or its somehow more authoritative cousin, neuroscience). If polyamory makes someone happy, I don't think it also has to be the "natural" or the "unnatural" thing to do.
To clarify, Mirk doesn't make the biological base of nonmonogamy a focus of her chapter, but a few people she interviews do. The natural corollary to this is the "natural" or "biological" argument about sexuality. The "gay gene" is a divisive issue in the LGB community, since it can both justify and exclude (especially bi people). The social construction viewpoint doesn't do this...
In terms of the longer interviews, which are uniformly excellent, I'm biased towards the one with Andi Zeisler, since her mostly introverted enjoying being your partner in the same room but not talking trying to build a feminist relationship has some similarities to mine. Also, her analogy between knitting and marriage is brilliant.
No similarities to Betty Dodson, but the interview with her basically justifies the purchase of this book.
It's not even a quibble, but I probably have some suspicions about the use of biology to justify nonmonogamy. If social constructions explain monogamy, they also explain non-monogamy, right? I totally want to give opponents of oppressive, sexist, gendered, religious monogamy as much ammunition as they need to justify their relationships...but I also don't think they really need to justify their relationships with biology (or its somehow more authoritative cousin, neuroscience). If polyamory makes someone happy, I don't think it also has to be the "natural" or the "unnatural" thing to do.
To clarify, Mirk doesn't make the biological base of nonmonogamy a focus of her chapter, but a few people she interviews do. The natural corollary to this is the "natural" or "biological" argument about sexuality. The "gay gene" is a divisive issue in the LGB community, since it can both justify and exclude (especially bi people). The social construction viewpoint doesn't do this...
November 9, 2015
The subject material for this book makes it one-of-a-kind and a valuable read for anyone in or considering a relationship with another person. It's a candid not-so-much advice book about key things to think about when in (or thinking about) non-traditional relationships (whatever that means nowadays). The only reasons I'm not rating it with 5 stars are some typos, some minor editing issues, the lack of diversity (which the author acknowledges at the beginning), and that I'm not sold on the format; the lists feel a little "lowest-common-denominator" and I wanted a bit more personal narrative from a more diverse interview pool. All in all, I enjoyed the read and it has certainly encouraged deeper thinking about all of my own relationship minutiae.
May 28, 2020
I am so disappointed by this book. I am 38 and single, and was expecting a variety of relationships to be discussed. Instead it’s mostly cis white women who ended up partnered or married to men, and many of them are still really young (20s) so I don’t value their advice as much as I would someone who was older and had more relationship experience.
September 12, 2024
I loved all the topics they covered in this book! It didn't go super in depth on any one topic, but I feel the purpose was to just get you questioning relationship norms. I particularly resonated with the chapter on destigmatizing breakups and the reasons not to get married, which reminded me about relationship anarchy and not using the term "partner." Race felt like it was missing from the conversation (eg., a chapter on interracial relationships?) but overall it felt super queer friendly and body positive.
May 30, 2025
I really liked this one because it didn’t feel comforting at all. Each chapter was describing types of relationships like LGBTQ+, open relationships, porn use, children, marriage, etc but one chapter really sat with me in a big way. The author was explaining that no matter what, when you get married, there is some sort of sexism, whether it be roles, requirements, jobs, attitudes, habits, and trying to find the ones that work for everybody. For some reason this gave me such a feeling of fucking dread, so I got some things to unpack I guess. Guess I gotta get another self help book
November 13, 2019
This book was okay, I think it just wasn't for me. Sarah Mirk tried to sprinkle in some inclusion and diversity with one-liners that included "and in same-sex relationships," but I think women who date men are much more likely to benefit from her relationship advice. It was a lot of common sense advice on many standard relationship dynamics with one or two nuggets of wisdom thrown in.
Mirk did have a chapter about open relationships and polyamory, but she chose the most harmful, toxic examples to display as the groundwork for her advice. I wanted to tell the man whose wife and mother of his child cheated on him and then pressured him into an open relationship that no one was forcing him to stay in that situation. Unfortunately, stories like that aren't uncommon, but it is irresponsible and misleading to hold them up as the paramount representation of open relationships in a book that claims to glean "real-life knowledge from smart people in a variety of nontraditional relationships."
Mirk did have a chapter about open relationships and polyamory, but she chose the most harmful, toxic examples to display as the groundwork for her advice. I wanted to tell the man whose wife and mother of his child cheated on him and then pressured him into an open relationship that no one was forcing him to stay in that situation. Unfortunately, stories like that aren't uncommon, but it is irresponsible and misleading to hold them up as the paramount representation of open relationships in a book that claims to glean "real-life knowledge from smart people in a variety of nontraditional relationships."
May 22, 2016
Excellent. I underlined and sticky noted the entire first chapter. "...we shouldn't treat being single as a tragic limbo but as a time to appreciate independence and date different folks...Value being single as the opportunity it provides for reflection, exploration, and establishing good relationship habits. Practice being honest and commit to being direct. Then watch another episode of Twin Peaks and drink some whiskey. All of these things are possible."
October 5, 2015
One of my absolute favorite books. I use it as a frame-of-reference/jumping-off-point for all my relationships (be they platonic, romantic, sexual, familial...). Sarah Mirk doesn't go too in-depth, so it's easy to read. I like that I could pick and chose what I read, and what was applicable to me. She rights with interviews and personal antidotes in a way that I loved.
August 18, 2017
This book was my pick me up during a break-up. It allowed me to reflect on what I truly wanted in a partner and what I was going to tolerate going forward. It was just what I needed, something simple and rational. I get excited when I see it at the book store as it reminds me of how helpful and grounding it was.
August 5, 2014
A refreshing and practical perspective on contemporary relationships. Mirk's meticulous research sheds light on a variety of experiences and possibilities that receive relatively little mainstream attention.
August 9, 2015
A must-read for everyone who interacts with anyone.
October 7, 2017
An easily readable, pragmatic relationship guide with a nice, breezy tone on a complicated topic.
May 18, 2020
I bought this book lo, six years ago, and finally moved it from my TBR to my read pile. One thing that was a bit unusual, was in my version (paperback), they used a cream colored stock paper, and a dark BLUE ink. There are also cartoon renderings of each human whose interview appeared at length, and quotes.
Okay, besides that - it's a combination of interviews, lessons to be learned, and personal anecdotes and a kind of working-out, by the author, of her own choices, past present and future. Sections include dating while single, polyamory, choosing to be child-free, and breaking up. This would probably be very helpful for a person in their twenties without a lot of dating experience, or even an older person coming out of a marriage who hasn't dated in a long time.
If you HAVE been dating and examining the ethics of Datingland for a few years, you may not find it as relevant for yourself. The writing is good, the interviews are excellent, and I had a lot of sympathy for the author as she was vulnerable enough to share her experiences, including that of a break up with someone she truly loved. Ending the book on the break-up section felt a little sad to me. I wish she would have put another chapter last.
Okay, besides that - it's a combination of interviews, lessons to be learned, and personal anecdotes and a kind of working-out, by the author, of her own choices, past present and future. Sections include dating while single, polyamory, choosing to be child-free, and breaking up. This would probably be very helpful for a person in their twenties without a lot of dating experience, or even an older person coming out of a marriage who hasn't dated in a long time.
If you HAVE been dating and examining the ethics of Datingland for a few years, you may not find it as relevant for yourself. The writing is good, the interviews are excellent, and I had a lot of sympathy for the author as she was vulnerable enough to share her experiences, including that of a break up with someone she truly loved. Ending the book on the break-up section felt a little sad to me. I wish she would have put another chapter last.
April 11, 2021
More like 3.5 Stars for me.
Published in 2014, this book startled me by actually not having a lot of new info for me, but then again I am older that its target audience I think, and have spent like 17 years now in and around the counter-culture of New Orleans, a place where "weirdos" have found a safe space and community for well, centuries now, technically. And more general, with the kids these day, 'the times they are a-changin'... and yes, please, to that!
I know a good amount of sexually open, sex-positive, gender nonconforming in various ways, and all manner of others, so I have had these conversations, or observed these kinds of 'different' or unconventional relationships first-hand. That being said I think this book has plenty of good insight for other not so lucky as I to have found a community like I have.
Published in 2014, this book startled me by actually not having a lot of new info for me, but then again I am older that its target audience I think, and have spent like 17 years now in and around the counter-culture of New Orleans, a place where "weirdos" have found a safe space and community for well, centuries now, technically. And more general, with the kids these day, 'the times they are a-changin'... and yes, please, to that!
I know a good amount of sexually open, sex-positive, gender nonconforming in various ways, and all manner of others, so I have had these conversations, or observed these kinds of 'different' or unconventional relationships first-hand. That being said I think this book has plenty of good insight for other not so lucky as I to have found a community like I have.
January 26, 2025
This really was a random collection of people’s anecdotal experiences of different relationship styles, and presented sometimes toxic relationships extremely uncritically. Maybe it is a useful launching point for readers with no prior exposure to feminist theory to reconsider gender, sexuality & relationships, but there are far better books out there that provide the same baseline.
July 6, 2020
Some really useful sections and introductions to interesting people. Definitely makes you think a little more about things.
November 28, 2019
This has freed a huge weight from my shoulders. Advice on choosing your own life and how to live it, regardless of the picture in our head that has often been painted for us since childhood. I didn't realise how many of my choices and assumptions weren't mine til reading this. Not official, not scientific, but the book does the important job of making you question yourself, so you can be happier.
May 19, 2022
I really enjoyed this exploration of relationships and what they *could* be. Through a series of essays it explores different ways of being with others, giving insight into what people want, why it works for them, and how they developed the relationship/s that fulfill them.
June 12, 2020
Intelligent, practical and refreshing look at relationships. This book is not the typical simplistic self-help or trying to tell you how to have one kind of successful relationship. It presents well organized data points of various ways to approach relationships, along with compelling stories from people about their real life experiences of navigating modern relationships and learning what worked for them, which aid you in thinking through things for yourself. While being very practical, the personal stories add a depth that's witty, humorous, heartbreaking, and hopeful. I loved that it was unapologetically feminist. Highly recommend to anyone. Even if you are happy in your relationship, this book is an excellent way to expand your worldview about others; which is invaluable when it comes to the inevitable interaction with relationships of friends/family.
September 7, 2016
Informative compendium of point-of-views, appreciated the parts about labeling a relationship, and choosing to not have children.
I had some trouble with how the book is structured, at times confusing, whenever the text adopted the first person, I wasn't sure if the author was talking about themselves, or if was one of the guests. Looking through the book again, I guess if the chapter has no portrait, it's the author speaking.
The blue tinted font was just a bad choice for e-ink readers, luckily I had the night-mode option which made it more legible.
April 18, 2015
So close to what I was looking for, but didn't go far enough for my taste. The first chapter, "Loving Being Single," was less about loving being single and more about loving not being in a long-term relationship (but still doing casual dating/sex). The second chapter was a kind of simplistic, second-wave-esque perspective of feminism. And the author used the phrase "female genitalia," which is transmisogynistic.
Read
December 16, 2015Sarah Mirk makes a compelling case in the first chapter that if you don't support the patriarchy or organized religion, both of which are the historical underpinnings of marriage and monogamy, there's no particular reason to follow the default path of monogamous marriage. If you accept her premise, you're free to architect a relationship style that's perfectly tailored to your beliefs, whether that's a monogamous marriage or otherwise. Why not?
August 20, 2015
I liked the practical real life tips for dealing with uncommon relationship decisions. The pattern of a numbered list of key things to know followed by advice from real life people made it very relatable. I highlighted a lot of things and dog-eared several pages to share with my partner.
February 17, 2016
A really good read on creating your own personalized type of relationship. The ending is a little weaker than the middle of the book, but it still has a ton of really cool information about lives that might be slightly off the beaten path (non monogamy, child free, staying single).
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