Undercurrents: A Therapist's Reckoning With Her Own Depression

by Martha Manning

Recording the irony of being both doctor and patient battling with depression, a therapist chronicles her mounting symptoms--contemplation of suicide, exhaustive drug therapy, and finally, controversial electroconvulsive therapy. 75,000 first printing. $100,000 ad/promo. Tour.

Genres: Psychology, Memoir, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Biography, Health

200 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 1995

About the author

Martha Manning (b. 1952) is an American writer, clinical psychologist and former professor of psychology at George Mason University.

Reviews

[Lorraine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone talks about depression, but few understand it. In this memoir, written in journal style, Martha Manning, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology reveals her story of a bout with severe and medication resistant depression in “Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface.” It’s a very intimate story that addresses head-on the undercurrents of depression such as anxiety, frustration, disorientation, heartache, and panic in a very personal way. Along with the dialogues she has with herself, the reader is also treated with her great sense of humor.

The following quote reminds me of the movie “50/50” where his Kyle (Seth Rogen) advises his friend Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) to tell the girls he meets at the bar that he has cancer. He assures him it’ll help him meet more girls. It fails.

“Telling people I have ECT is a real conversation killer. People seem to be more forthright these days about discussing depression. Things have loosened up, even talking about medicine. Hell. The cashier in the grocery store told me yesterday that she’s on Prozac. But ECT is in a different class. …I’ve started telling people about the ECT. My admission is typically met with uncomfortable silences and abrupt shifts in topics” (p. 165).

After trying everything possible to help with her depression including psychotherapy and anti-depressant drugs, Manning eventually agreed to electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)—a controversial treatment that still arouses emotions after 60 years. Knowing it was one of the most controversial of treatments, she agreed to it because she said she would have killed herself if not for her daughter Keara. Through it all her husband Brian, a social worker does everything he can to support her.

It was courageous of Manning to write this very personal account of depression. I think more people need to read books like this one to try and understand what it is like to be in this state of mind.

“When you’re depressed, everyone has an opinion about what you should do. People seem to think that not only are you depressed, you are also stupid. They are generous to the point of suffocation with their advice. . . . People hear the word depression and figure since they’ve felt down or blue at some point in their lives, they are experts, which is like assuming that because you’ve had a chest cold, you are now qualified to treat lung cancer. (p. 75).

I know from reading about the author that she suffered another bout of serious depression a couple of years after the book was published. At the end of the book she talks about the sand castles she has built in her life: going to college, having a baby, getting a PhD., etc, yet having no idea that it was only made of sand. “The tide will come in whether you want it to or not. And there really isn’t a damn thing you can do about it, or even delay it “(p. 194).

On the brighter side she also reminds herself that the tide will come and go and you will be exhausted and tired, but "will rest your tired body on the shore, falling into that delicious sleep that comes from knowing you are all right" (p.195).

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

An unexpectedly funny, heart-wrenching, and honest account of one woman's experience with severe depression and her choice to pursue electroconvulsive therapy. The author is also a clinical psychologist, which gives her story a unique perspective. Highly recommended for anyone curious about ECT.

[Zosi · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars-moving, honest, and courageous. My only wish is that it was longer.

[Amory · Rating 5 out of 5]

I saw so much of myself in this book. I have post-it flags all over the place indicating passages that I want to read again, copy, share with my therapist - passages that I could have written myself, describing the slide down into depression. Though Martha Manning sunk deeper into depression than I have - or at least into a depression that was not responding to medication, as mine has - I still relate to so much of her experience.

I also see loved ones in Martha Manning's story, which simultaneously brings me a deeper understanding of their illness and a deeper sadness over their suffering.

Mental illness is so misunderstood, so minimized, so stigmatized in our society because it is invisible. In one of her journal entries, Mrs. Manning describes her feelings about others' reactions to her sprained ankle:

  "It is a perverse relief to have a "real", visible hurt [sprained ankle]. A hurt that people can recognize and understand. They wince in sympathy and know just what to do and what not to do. People can deal with this kind of pain. It all makes sense."

[Sherri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I see a personal trend in reading books that deal with oppression, depression and obsession... Maybe its time for me to seek therapy again. Just kidding...
I liked this book for the authors brutal and raw honesty while writing about something so deeply personal and usually taboo for someone in her field.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books of all times ~ incredibly poignant look at someone who suffers with severe depression.

[jiawen · Rating 4 out of 5]

"i forgive my mother for being so strong. i forgive my grandmother for not being strong enough. i try to forgive myself for being both."

i can't remember how this got onto my tbr, but i'm glad i read it. there's a level of self-awareness to manning's thoughts and writing that doesn't feel overwhelming but is still relatable. a little mentally tiring to read but still a good book

[Literary Redhead · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written, heartbreaking and very funny account of a psychologist who suffers a devastating episode of depression. No amount of psychotherapy, no array of antidepressants could put her illness in remission, leading to hospitalization and treatment with electroshock therapy, which finally brought relief. Brave, poetic and highly recommended for anyone suffering from treatment-resistant depression and their family. 5/5

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Manning does a wonderful job of putting into words and conveying the realities of a person with Bipolar II. Anyone with this disorder and those that relate to them on a regular basis should pick up this book.

[Jacqui · Rating 5 out of 5]

I fantastic book about a psychologists experience with severe depression. She truely gives readers insight into her experience.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars.
There was quite a bit I tabbed in this book and that hit me emotionally. The religious aspect did nothing for me and I felt like we could’ve gone DEEPER into some of her depression, etc. I’ve felt the excruciating sorrow and nothingness of depression. I just felt the author could’ve delved deeper with it.

[Patricia English · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very eye opening book about a psychologist own struggles with depression and the lengths she has to go to get better. I remember feeling the way she did many a time and thank heavens got on the right meds.
It is written in diary style and really is emotional or was for me. I liked it a lot.

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this over the course of two, maybe three, days. I read with urgency and empathy. While my own struggles with depression have perhaps not been as serious as this author's, I felt understood by her writing. It was beautifully written, but that wasn't the impetus for how strongly I felt about this book. It was what fueled the beautiful prose - a pain that doesn't always consent to be given voice. My own words are eluding me-- and that is probably okay, and even for the best.

There is a very tender moment between Manning and her daughter. Her daughter, a teenager, is aware that there is a history of depression on her mother's side of the family. She is talking to her mother, and telling her that she feels like she probably takes after her dad's side of the family more than her's. Manning registers her fear, and prays that she is right. For other reasons, I have experienced that fear of the congenital... it is at once terrifying and just a bit shameful -- but perhaps that is too strong a word.

[K R N]

Read this in high school and it just occurred to me to add it to my "pop cognitive psychology" 'shelf.'

I remember it being really funny, despite being about depression. To anyone reading it: I would be extremely cautious/skeptical about the information and opinions therein, considering it's about treatments that change quickly and is now 20 years old, and that it's one person's story, which doesn't necessarily apply to anyone else. It's by/about a therapist with depression, who has a positive result from ECT which she tries as a last resort (and obviously now there are a lot of other things in line before any last resort) - but it's a pretty unconventional viewpoint. I remember it being interesting though.

[Joleene · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love to hear other people's stories. This book was an honest look at one woman's depression. I was hoping that this would be a five star book, but even though it was really good, it was still missing something. The focus was a little too heavy on the biological aspects of depression. While there is undeniably a biological factor in depression, 99% of the time there is also some sort of trigger. I can understand this author's reluctance to talk about the more intimate details of her life, but to me it felt like she left out half of the story. Even with all of that, it was definitely worth reading!

[Sandeep M.Ratkal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book. Especially if one is suffering from depression can connect immediately. The emotional turmoil brought forth by harmonal imbalances makes living life miserable. Many times medicines don't work the way they are expected. Many times effectiveness of medicine goes for toss due to factors not in your control. It's a every day battle. Martha has chronicled her battles with subtle humour . Humour is a way to look at your miseries with sense of relief . ECT use in modern medicine is avoided . With on-going research today we have many medicine which are a blessings . It's good book. One can complete in one sitting.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Manning - a therapist - set out to write about depression not from the point of view as a doctor but as one suffering her won spiraling drop into depression. It turns out she is a natural writer. Manning has the ability to look back on her worst days with humor while still providing the reader with a real-life look at depression's dark spiral. A must read for anyone who longs to understand the human condition.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a person who suffers from major depression this is one of the most insightful yet humorous accounts of this debilitating disease. Martha shares her soul and the fear of totally losing touch with her identity in this enthralling account. Martha, as I did, when feeling hopeless undertook Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) and her description of this treatment and the challenges it presents goes a long way in addressing the negative stigma associated with this proven procedure.

[Abby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this at times to be slightly boring to read... I think this book is perfect if your unsure about depression but as I am perfectly educated on the subject (experiencing it first hand) it was a slight boring read.
I most enjoyed the treatment aspect (along with causation factors) in this books as they're simplistic so anyone can read it but the book shows their effectiveness which I liked the most due to currently studying psychology and disagreed with ECT.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

While there were what I consider accurate descriptions of what depression feels like, I have a hard time with reading books about mental illness by academics. There are so many things Manning has succeeded at. How can someone with so much success truly understand overwhelming, debilitating depression?

[Greg Parrinello · Rating 4 out of 5]

Devastatingly true. A good lesson that what goes down might come back up. I actually laughed at a bit of the humor despite the seriousness and pain of the subject.

[Wendy Reiersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book changed my life. If she could still help others while battling depression, then it was a lie that I couldn't help people because I had my own issues.

[Juanita Miell-Sparks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Depression is something so difficult to explain however this book does it well.

[Braden Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Sometimes, hell has no words.”

I found my way to Martha Manning’s “Undercurrents” by way of coinciding streams. During the past two months dealing with themes of grief and loss, my clinical supervisor kept making reference to this “authoritative text on depression” which he kept offering to bring to our sessions for me to borrow. Having such a long list, I declined continuously. Then, after a long hard summer, my good friend gifts me a copy. Not used to spending my free time reading non-fiction, I reluctantly yielded my attention to a book that seemed to be calling out for me, perhaps it was timely. After all, I had been in the midst of grief, mine and my therapy clients.

What I discovered in Manning’s “Undercurrents” was nothing less than revelatory entries from a year-long dark night of the soul. Recording her impressions, feelings, and psychological observations on her life, Manning touches to the core of how depression and loss and grief can plow down a person like tides over small castles of sand. I read the book mostly on terraces in Paris, and felt a familiar pang in my heart when reading sentences like “Today is the last day of summer. What a time. What a long lonely time. I never knew days could stretch out so endlessly. Stretch so far I think they’ll break, but they only heave and sag. The weight of them bears down on me mercilessly. I wake after only two hours’ sleep, into another day of dread. Dread with no name or face. Nothing to fight with my body or wits. Just gnawing gripping fear. So hard and heavy. I can’t breathe. I can’t swallow…All escapes are illusory—distractions, sleep, drugs, doctors, answers, hope…”

Manning records her experiences working with clients with terminal illnesses, about their faith and doubts, about their deaths, about the weeks she spent in a Trappist monastery silently trying to find God or solace. She writers about her time in a psychiatric ward, of the same of being a clinical psychologist so depressed she had to undergo electroshock therapy. Her reflections have a black humour to them—and she rages against quick answers and easy advice: “when you’re depressed, everyone has an opinion about what you should do” she writes. As she writes, the reader gets a greater understanding of how a person might “suffer from” depression. She contends with moralistic views that might see depression as a defect of will or character flaw, while revealing how those who go through it can often experience a greater capacity to comfort others. Ultimately, she writes that therapy is about being with others in their suffering, even when there are no words left in their personal hells. It’s entering into the hell with them, “looking them straight in the eye without flinching. You have to learn what to say and you have to learn how to shut up. And sometimes it’s enough.” As she writes in the first entries, therapy is “part science, part art, part luck.” I have not resonated so much with a book in so long. I can’t count the amount of times my faces winced, attempting to hold back tears from the dining Parisians around me, and could do nothing else but place the book on the table, take another sip of espresso, close my eyes, and listen to the accordion and the fountain singing a song around me, allowing a tear or two to stream down my cheeks. Thank you, Martha Manning, for making me feel so known.

[Anhmai Vu · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first book this year is “Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface”. It’s written by a clinical psychologist who suffered from depression. It seems ironic, doesn’t it? But it’s one of most honest book I ever read, and it touches my feeling deeply, beyond the surface level I guess. It’s weird that starting new year by a depression book, isn’t it a bad luck? I guess not, because even though you ignore, the struggles are always there, accumulating, and haunting you constantly, and somedays it will explode.

Coming back to the book. There are two reasons that bring me to it:
- First is my current minor depression situation at the moment due to some stresses, lack of private space and expose too much to other people’s problems, bad weather as well.
- Second is my curiosity on human psychology and depression.

The book doesn’t disappoint me. I don’t really know how to review it because it’s hard to summarize, it’s just a constant narrative of a oridnary woman’s life, her feeling (which touches myself as I felt the same way sometimes). It’s the guilty to not feel happy when you should have, like taking part in travelling, playing sport, or doing something you always want to. But it’s just emptiness and boredom and tiredness to death, and the effort trying so hard to hide your sorrows (often fail and lead to more depression).

And it’s fucking annoying everyone trying to be an expert, to judge and to offer solutions. What the hell do they know about what’s inside her mind? You are a pain in the ass now, a bitch.
It took me a long time to realize that trying to help doesn’t help, both from my experience and from helping friends. Offering solution and meddling doesn’t help. Trying to shifting the mood doesn’t help. The only thing that I think it helps is to listen quietly, to feel their pains and just realize it sucks and I only want to express how suck it is, don’t interrupt me.

The book confirms my experience. A terminal cancer patient consider the author an important person due to a small act. When she calls her to notify her diagnosis, the author as a psychologist responded that it sucked. No cheer up, no lie, no solutions. Just a deep understanding.

I talk about the book to my friend. She offers me some knowledge about depression, another light of it, as a disorder. A disorder, something deficit within you, something forever living in you, cannot resolve that I have to think more thoroughly. I thought about the practice of Buddhalism and wonder whether people with disorder can

[Puteri Auni · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about a therapist dealing with depression.

She shares her experiences with ECT, as none of her prescribed medication works on her. It is all very raw, very real.

She also talks about her feeling when she was at her lowest, her thoughts on suicide. It somehow feels like i am reading my journal. So similar that i had to stop for a while and breathe.

Can one easily heal from depression & anxiety? I do not know

Time to read a happy book.

[Marci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this one soon after it was published, and remember loving it then. The author read passages as part of a therapist-as-writer workshop I attended last week. Not the same Martha Manning as the person who wrote Trackless Snow (Amazon could not tell the difference. Wonder if goodreads will be able to?)

[Keri Karman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rounding up here, more like 2.5 stars. Disappointing because I didn't realize that the author would continue to speak from a religious point of view that seemed outdated and holier than thou. However, there were some interesting stories about how the best therapy is often spoken from an honest point of view, even if the author herself admits that this isn't where most of her sessions are based from.

[João Xavier · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good read, with so much insight to the personal life of someone suffering from depression and how the day to day of close ones is affected. The only time I've read a memoir documenting ECT treatments. Intense. Couldn't put it down.

[Jacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The tide will come and go. The sun will be warm again, and the salt on your skin will remind you of what you have done. And you will rest your tired body on the shore, falling into that delicious sleep that comes from knowing you are alright."