What is this book? A history book? A mere transcribing of a selection of people’s words? Journalism? I don’t know. I do know that this was probably the hardest book I have ever finished. And I can honestly say I am glad I read it, though I could have done without the nightmares that followed.
Quotes that caught my eye
These guys I was taking the test with was just wild. The whole crew was making noise and they was throwing the pencils. Half of them was banged up high as kites. And I’m laughing, because the woman lieutenant who was supposed to be running things couldn’t control the group.
‘Well, I got something for you,’ she says, and she walks out of the room. These big Marines come in the door, right? A major with about four sergeants.
They went around and collected all the test papers. The major says, ‘seeing as you want to give the lieutenant such a hard way to go, all of y’all just passed the test. You will be leaving in two days … Or you could leave in thirty days if you come into the Marine Corps.’
We get up. ‘Oh, come on, you jiving.’
‘No, I’m serious. Everyone of you just passed the t4est and y’al leaving. If you keep going through all these changes, we have right to pull y’all out of here right now and put you on the bus to boot camp.’
………
About fifteen of us stood up and said we’ll go in the Marine Corps, get us a little extra time.
Going through the paper work the guy was talking in terms of three years. Then all of a sudden he says, ‘You know, when you enlist, you go for four years.’ That was when they told me that I was enlisting. (6)
The war billed on the marquee as a John Wayne shot-‘em up test of manhood turns out to be a warped version of Peter Pan. Vietnam was a brutal Neverneverland, outside time and space, where little boys didn’t have to grow up. They just grew old before their time. (24)
The doors opened up and I got my first whiff of Nam, what do you do if you’ve got 500,000 men and no plumbing facilities? What do you do with all the human shit? The Army’s answer to that was to collect it in barrels, then drag them someplace where they soaked all that human waste in fuel oil and set it on fire. Whoever the poor bastard was who had done something wrong yesterday, his job today was to stand there and stir this mess to make sure that it all burned. (28)
What were they doing throwing hand grenades in the river? They were fishing. (32)
I spent my first night in a little shack. The next day I woke up real early, but it was already hot outside and the sun was bright. I’m here. Man! I got to go out and see what’s going on. I’d seen my dad’s slides of Korea a hundred times and I was fascinated. I ran outside and God, there’s all these little people with their coolie hats running around on the other side of the fence. It smelled different and it looked different, so I was pretty excited. You’re stupid at first and you really don’t know. (38)
Use kids to fight a war – if you’re going to use anybody. They’re the best they’re still leaning. They can hump the hills. They can take it. And they don’t take it personal. (57)
There was such a scary thing about going out to the bush, like jumping into a cold ocean. You hit the LZ and it’s hot. That door opens up and you run out screaming. There’s little rocket ships whizzing through the air. You feel you can stick out your hand and catchy a round. I could have beat Bob Hayes in a foot race with all my gear. I could have hidden behind a pack of camels, with not part of me protruding. That’s got to be the hairiest thing in the world. Adrenaline for days. (74)
Some of the post was very beautiful. Gorgeous French plantation homes ringed the airstrip. They were mostly empty, but they had caretakers. A few Vietnamese were there in the daytime. The windows were still clean. Every once in a while you’d see a little laundry hanging out on the line. With all the incoming we had, not one of those buildings was ever hit. (95)
I got angry when I realized that our casualty reports in the Stars & Stripes were being falsified. In every case, I knew what the total was – I knew it – but the numbers were always reported as less. We falsified the enemy casualties. Why not falsify our own? I began to realise the extent of the lie, all the kinds of lies. I don’t believe for a moment that there were only 53,000 people killed in Vietnam. I don’t know how it’s possible to disguise thousands of deaths, but I believe that there were thousands more Americans who died than were reported. I saw it with my own eyes constantly. (100)
We’d run out of blood. We’d run out of antibiotics. But we always had fruit cocktail, rubbers and shower shoes. (109)
…I found out that he really believed in what he was doing. That was the difference. We were there because we didn’t want to go to jail or whatever our reason was, but he was there because he believed it.
I kind of felt sorry for them in a way. They got there and found out that their talent was killing and they were damn good at it. They had a taste of killing and they all liked it. Now when the war ended, what were they going to do? Once you reach the peak it’s all downhill. (121)
It rises like a wave of nausea in your throat, out of nowhere, uncontrolled, the dry bitter taste of evil. You’re walking the dog in the canine goofiness he insists on sniffing one empty square of sidewalk, holding his ground until you jerk the leash so hard the choke chain almost cuts his windpipe in two. A child says ‘No’ at just he wrong time and you swallow hard when you find yourself towering over your own flesh and blood with murder in your eye. You actually slam on the brakes, jump out of the car and run back to rip the throat out of the tailgater behind you before he can roll up his windows. An uneasy joke escapes from the knot of petty viciousness inside you and you seem to stand outside yourself as you watch it metamorphosise to malicious teasing. Suddenly you’re tormenting some other human being – usually someone you love – until he’s ready to take a wild swing at you.
The feeling passes quickly leaving you shaking with every thump of yo8ur heart, wondering where in this same and ordered world a psycho like that comes from. But that psycho was you, the other you, the darker side, the one who knows all the nasty things you’ve done or thought in the privacy of your mind, the flipside of your conscience that hoards the merest slights and demands revenge no matter how petty, how misdirected. (131)
For all the glory words like duty, honour and valour, war runs best on evil, a breeder reactor that vomits out a hell full of pain for the little spark of sadism people feed into it. Evil was encouraged with rewards of medals, time off from the horror, a hot meal. How else can you persuade bo7us to kill one another day after day? And when the darker side grabs the upper hand, takes control, how else can it be excused? (132)
I had a sense of power. A sense of destruction. See, now, in the United States a person is babied. He’s told what to do. You can’t carry a gun, unless you want to fail. If you shoot somebody, it’s wrong. You’re constantly babied till you go to the grave. The only people’s got the authority is the judges or the Establishment.
But in the Nam you realise that you had the power to take a life. You had the power to rape a woman and nobody could say nothing to you. That godlike feeling you had was in the field. It was like I was a god. I could take a life, I could screw a woman. I can beat somebody up and get away with it. It was a godlike feeling that a guy could express in the Nam. (134)
Too many of us forgot that Vietnamese were people. We didn’t treat them like people after a while. It was hard to separate. I really didn’t like to mistreat people over there. I tried as hard as I could … not that I didn’t from time to time.
I met this woman in a bar when an American Green Beret was pushing her around and drinking whisky. I told him to knock it off, because3 I though he was being an asshole. One thing led to another and we had a fight. After that, me and girl because friends. Later she saved my life and strangely enough she was probably Viet Cong. (135)
The Viet Cong and the NVA figured a combat loss is a combat loss. It doesn’t matter if a guy can’t go to war because he’s got the clap and it hurts when he takes a leak or if he can’t go to war because he’s got a bullet through his head. Either way it’s a loss. (147)
I didn’t really speak the language. I could understand a few phrases, though. One day during a fire fight, for the first time in my life, I heard the cries of the Vietnamese wounded, and I understood them. When somebody gets wounded, they call out for their mothers their wives, their girl friends. There I was listening to the VC cry for the same things. That’s when the futility of the war really dawned on me. I thought, ‘Jesus Christ, what a fucking waste this whole thing it.’ (153)
The guilt, the pain, the scars are intact. The lessons of friendship and compassion are lost. (155)
We stood there at attention in the morning sun and the dust, listening to this fucking asshole do a little memorial service about how ‘These people did not die in vain’. If looks could have killed, that man would have been dead. In fact, that man would have been dead if we had been left alone with him. We’d have jumped on him like crows on a corpse. (171)
Wasted.
‘After a hump, you were wasted.’
‘Jesus, we wasted them gooks.’
‘I got really wasted on that dope.’
‘Geezer got wasted up on some hill.’
‘What a waste.’
American were wasted in an amazing variety of ways in Vietnam. When they returned home, they were wasted again, like greasy paper plates after the picnic. Disposable soldiers, men and women who were treated like so much human refuse to lugged to the dump. (209)
… and there were the Pentagon Papers. I read as much as I could on that Sunday afternoon. I because violently ill. I actually threw up and got a blinding headache. I was rolling around the floor of my apartment. I couldn’t fight the pain, I couldn’t succumb to it – it just blew me the fuck away.
Containing communism was only worth 5 percent of the war. Generate capital for corporations was 41 percent. ‘I pledge allegiance to the flag’ just died. I was pledging allegiance to Dow and Monsanto and all the large corporations.
That shattered my whole image of the United States, of freedom and democracy, of the world we live in, all the ideals I had gone to Vietnam with. The sacrifice was a lie. The war was a fraud. I had recently reexamined what had been said about my being a murderer. Now, I thought I just might be. I was of total insignificance, except to be used.
…………..
The war’s not over for us. That’s why it won’t be over until somebody takes their rightful responsibility. The federal government and the chemical companies. (224)
Another buddy of mine, Mark Cole, had been a Special Forces officer that lost an eye and an ear and an arm and a leg. He’d get drunk in a bar and start banging at the glasses and throwing things. You’d be sitting there drinking your beer and you’d feel guilty because you still had everything. Yet the presidential aspirants were all talking about how we shouldn’t be defoliating the trees in Vietnam. Fuck defoliating the trees, how about defoliating us? (226)
Then you come back to the Land of the big PX and it’s business as usual. Men are being male in traditional ways, stepping on each other’s toes on the way up the ladder, not with genuine ruthlessness, but with sloppy masculinity. (230)