Growing a Girl: Seven Strategies for Raising a Strong, Spirited Daughter

by Barbara Mackoff

“Mackoff’s strategies for enhancing girls’ self-esteem and creating equal opportunity are clear, practical, and most important, achievable .”—Peggy Orenstein, author of School Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap
 
“IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER? ISN’T SHE PRETTY?”
 
Like parents of girls everywhere, psychologist Barbara Mackoff often heard her young daughter Hannah dismissed with those words. So often that she started to “And she’s smart too.” Hoping to counter the culture that she feared would stereotype her daughter and diminish her confidence, Dr. Mackoff spent three years searching for strategies to nurture Hannah’s growing sense of self. The result is Growing a Girl .
 
Offering hundreds of specific suggestions and tools for fostering a daughter’s independence and individuality, Growing a Girl encourages parents to act now by exploring seven practical paths. Based on clinical research and Dr. Mackoff’s highly acclaimed Growing a Girl workshop, this extraordinary book offers parents the skills to shatter stereotypes that can stunt a daughter’s growth while giving her the tools to nourish her strength, spirit, and capacity to care.
 
YOU WILL
• How gender stereotyping starts at birth—and how you can prevent it
• Why she can wear a velvet dress to the ballet and still climb to the treetops
• What to do about Barbie dolls and traditional fairy tales—without spoiling your daughter’s fun
• How to discover and honor her feelings
• How to counteract our culture’s emphasis on physical beauty
• How to bring home heroines—in books, magazines, movies, and in her community
• How to recognize and strengthen your daughter’s learning style—and build on her natural interesting science and math
• And more.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism

320 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1996

Reviews

[Sonia Y · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked this up from a little-free-library, intrigued since we were studying feminist philosophy at school. Skimmed it. It was interesting to read it with a philosophical frame of mind, although a quite dramatized at times. Reads as a self-help guide for parents, which wasn't exactly helpful for me. Would've like for it to be more on the technical side with more studies/concepts rather than steps, but probably just a limitation of the purpose of the book. Maybe I'll read more books about gender roles. Second Sex, perhaps? ;)

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

The advice and anecdotes in this book will help you recognize the many teachable moments when it comes to talking to your daughter (or son!) about gender disparity and stereotypes that exist even in our modern world. The main message of this book is that individuals differences between kids are greater than the supposed differences between boys and girls, and that if we examine out loud the bias we see in media and models, we can equip our daughters with the observation and insight to recognize false pressures on themselves to conform to the cookie cutter and contradictory ideal of "the perfect woman." A quick, easy read with lots to think about. I'd recommend it to all parents and anyone who spends time with young kids.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent reference for anyone concerned about the day their daughter asks for a Barbie doll.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book is a little outdated, but it gives insight into gender stereotypes that girls were facing 10 years ago. I really think our culture and society has improved in the last 10 years in the equality between girls and boys. I found some chapters or strategies more relevant and helpful than others. I really liked the sections on "Believe her story"and "Declare her independence", and some of "Bring Home Heroines", and some of "Tell the Truth about Beauty".

At times the book felt forced and too dramatic for me. I didn't agree with everything in it, but it did get me to think and I liked certain sections of it a lot.

[Kirsten Peshlakai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took me a while to get through, but some very strong points to guide myself through parenting a lady!

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

A parenting book targetted for girls, but just as applicable for parenting boys in many ways. Mackoff calls her approach "equalist parenting". If nothing else, I find parenting books helpful because they challenge me to look at how I am parenting and make me more observant and thoughtful about my choices.
Mackoff has a chapter that questions the reader to reflect on a daughter's temperament and personality. I found it very hard to categorize my daughters and so found subsequent references to be difficult to apply to my kids. Sometimes my daughters are extroverted and other times very shy. And just when I think my youngest is high energy and persistent, she will be quieter, clingy, and needy.
I was also really looking for guidance in how to raise girls who are polite and respectful without squashing their inner spirit. I don't think kids should be allowed to be rude just because they are introverted or have a "high intensity" temperament makes it more difficult for them to say thank you. While I want my girls to be sure of themselves and know their inner voice, I also want them to know basic rules of conduct and decorum.
Still, I found her chapter on safety and self-reliance extremely helpful- focusing on safety rules instead of fear. Instead of "You know you're not allowed to leave the yard! You could have been kidnapped or hit by a car!" saying, "I was scared when I didn't know where you were. Our safety rule is that you are not to leave the yard without telling Mommy or Daddy. You need to come inside now and tomorrow we can try again, if you are willing to follow our safety rules." Having just yelled at my youngest for walking into the street to get into the car("You could have been hit by a car! Cars aren't looking for little girls when they drive on this road!"), I found this section very helpful.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most of the book was interesting, if not fascinating, and I agree that many of the parenting goals and strategies should apply to boys as well as girls.

Alas, I decided to stop reading on p. 223, the chapter "Study Science, Math and Technology." I'm afraid I find myself less interested in these subjects than in the psychological and interpersonal topics; which of course leads me to wonder how much my self-esteem and I, like so many other girls, apparently, have been tarnished, unknowlingly, by a sexist society. Or perhaps it's because I'm a person who happens to have more interest in the humanities. Hm.

Actually, this book did lead me to ruminate on a lot of questions like that, which is good. The copyright is 1996. I sometimes found I couldn't think of real-life examples of the problems Mackoff discussed. And I wonder if it's because I grew up in a family of girls and am raising only a girl, so we suffered less from unfavorable comparisons to a boy? Or because my parents did split household duties pretty evenly? Or because of the efforts of first- and second-wave feminists - equalists - of previous generations? Has so much over the last 13 years since the book came out?

On the other hand, there is hard evidence that gender inequality still thrives (less pay for the same work, relative scarcity of women top-level jobs). Why not take some of these "equalist parenting" strategies as an experiment to see if the lot improves for the next generation? It couldn't do any harm.

[Sarah - All The Book Blog Names Are Taken · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, the book was published in 1996, so it will come across as very dated because it is.

However, there are some things it still has going for it - the strategies and key ideas themselves are great takeaways. At several times the author also suggests several books to support these strategies - from positive heroines, to women in history and science.

Unfortunately, the anecdotes were beyond absurd. The one that sticks out to me above all others came early on when a little girl sat on her basketball and pretended she was hatching an egg, because apparently girls can't play basketball. I don't know why this story annoyed me above all the other stupidly absurd and, in many cases, unrealistic or ridiculous examples. Perhaps it's because for Christmas just a few months ago my (then) 18 month old got a Little Tikes basketball hoop of her own, and has had no trouble figuring out what the ball and hoop are for.

Side note: we still love Disney in this house, and own, (not rent) the majority of the DVDs. Additionally, the positives I took away from reading the Baby-Sitters Club books when I was younger is that these girls were my age and they started their own business. Apparently Dr Mackoff took away something else entirely.

So, to sum it up, skip the anecdotes and focus on the actual key ideas and strategies offered. Most often, the filler isn't worth your time.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm about 3/4 through and so far, I like it. I think the author is extremely heavy-handed in her feminist approach. It really reminds me of the 60's generation and seems, surprisingly, very retro. I think my generation has a more adaptive approach to most of the issues she mentions. We just assume there will be stereotypes and there will be reality and just because a lady in an ad looks some way does not mean we have to. The lines are just a lot more blurred than they used to be. So I have a bit of a problem with the premise of the book. That said, the bulk of the book is about how to increase your child's self-esteem and I'm finding many of the techniques and strategies appropriate to both of my children, both boy and girl. So, even if you reject some of the we have to show her great role models and reject the weak parents, in say Mrs. Piggle Wiggle (how could anyone criticize that wonderful, magical series on feminist grounds??), there's some good stuff to learn here about building strong, self-reliant and culturally aware children.

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was disappointed with how Mackhoff's arguments were presented. Instead of using ANY firsthand experience, she only relied on clinical information, which isn't bad, but she did lack any experience in the subject. Her runaway feminism became irksome to me, and I chose not to finish the book.

For instance, when her daughter asked her why the boys were playing soccer and not the girls, she used the occasion to teach her daughter that the picture wasn't true. Why not have the girl use her imagination to explain the picture, such as, "Maybe the girls are friends and don't know the boys. One girl brought her new puppy, and her friends wanted to see. Maybe later the boys and girls can be friends and they all can play soccer together."

Instead of teaching my daughter to be defensive EVERY time something that could be construed as sexist is seen, I'd much rather teach her to have an optomistic and more caring view of the world.


As far as this book goes: epic. fail.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved "School Girls" by Peggy Orenstein, which exposed what culture and marketing do to our girls, but was left wanting more information about what to do about it. This book is the answer. I appreciate that author Dr. Barbara Mackoff gives specific, practical information, from examples about what a parent might say when her daughter asks why there hasn't been a woman president to lists of books to read with positive female characters.

I'm a stay-at-home mother and some feminist books either ignore my role or cast it aside. Mackoff presents a case for nurturing our daughters' interests whatever they are and for mothers in all roles to show their daughters their strengths.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book; some good take-aways to use with my own daughters (including recommended books). Improved my awareness about some of my behaviors and things for me to watch out for in my interactions with them (e.g., snarky comments about the Disney princesses might not be the best way to get my point across about why they are not good role models!). Also, found it heartening to see how much things have already changed since this was published in 1996 -- definitely don't see computers as being a male domain anymore!

[Kristi · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like 2 1/2 stars. Not bad. Not great. I read this book when I found out I was having a daughter and I was completely terrified. Boys I can handle. Girl...I freaked. It didn't do a lot, except help me accept that my daughter will like Cinderella and that's okay. But I can help her use her imagination to see how she could be better than Cinderella. More than anything it helped me feel more accepting of how my daughter would possibly behave and I felt more prepared for that.

[Rachel]

Now that I have two daughters, thought I might try not to screw them up any more than absolutely necessary. Already I have learned how not to invalidate my child's feelings with the usual mommy-responses. "How can you be hungry? You just ate!" or "You don't mean that. Of course you don't hate your sister." Get ready kids...one perfect childhood coming up! :-)

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little outdated, but full of interesting stories, things to watch out for and things to discuss with growing girls. Loved that she included stay at home moms as still being "equalist," without putting us down at all.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a little outdated, being that it was written in 1998, before the digital age of Facebook and cyber-bullies. But in general, it gives good advice and strategies to raise a confidant girl who could rule the world and still be feminine.

[Wilhemina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the strategies described in the book are relevant and applicable when parenting boys and girls even today. The author has done a lot of research on the subject, which makes this book an excellent reference for people who are interested in the subject of equal parenting.

[Laurie Rockenbeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another must read for parents of the female child.

[Miranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is great although a little out of date now.