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Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy
This book has Alternate Cover Editions for this ISBN [ACE]
ACE #1
Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person. It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply. Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your dreams. But what if God s primary intent for your marriage isn t to make you happy . . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God? Everything about your marriage--everything--is filled with prophetic potential, with the capacity for discovering and revealing Christ s character. The respect you accord your partner; the forgiveness you humbly seek and graciously extend; the ecstasy, awe, and sheer fun of lovemaking; the history you and your spouse build with one another--in these and other facets of your marriage, Sacred Marriage uncovers the mystery of God s overarching purpose. This book may very well alter profoundly the contours of your marriage. It will most certainly change you. Because whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ."
ACE #1
Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person. It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust him more fully, and love him more deeply. Scores of books have been written that offer guidance for building the marriage of your dreams. But what if God s primary intent for your marriage isn t to make you happy . . . but holy? And what if your relationship isn t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God? Everything about your marriage--everything--is filled with prophetic potential, with the capacity for discovering and revealing Christ s character. The respect you accord your partner; the forgiveness you humbly seek and graciously extend; the ecstasy, awe, and sheer fun of lovemaking; the history you and your spouse build with one another--in these and other facets of your marriage, Sacred Marriage uncovers the mystery of God s overarching purpose. This book may very well alter profoundly the contours of your marriage. It will most certainly change you. Because whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ."
304 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2000
3326 people are currently reading
24930 people want to read
About the author
Gary L. Thomas
61 books645 followersGary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,235 reviews
October 11, 2021
This book began with several problems for me, and the best chapters come toward the end. First, I wasn't fond of the portrayal of women in the book as always housewives or working women who were toppled by their ambition, who then become housewives. I couldn't decide if this was because Thomas's own wife was a housewife and so that was the male-female relationship he could best speak about (which seems reasonable), or if he very firmly holds to a complementarian view of men and women (which often is a tricky business to me). Relatedly, the book is written from a masculine standpoint, and often seems to be written to men. That is not to say women can't gain insights from the book, merely that the male voice within the book is unmistakable.
Otherwise, the book struck me as peculiar in its relationship to advice. There are many great single lines and lessons that can engage the reader on a practical level. I was impressed with a lot of the passages about how sometimes God calls us to humble ourselves and choose to be the better person even if we're not getting back at the time in a marriage, not only for the sake of a better marriage or to get along with a partner, but simply because God often commands us to love unconditionally without getting it in return. This was an obvious lesson, but very profound to me (perhaps because I'm always terrified of giving more than I get). At the same time, because the book refuses to be another "10 Steps to a Happy Marriage" book, it offers little advice, especially not until the end, for how to handle conflict. The book readily admits couples will not always get along and sometimes things will even be unfair, but it does not offer a good solution for how to toe the line between addressing your needs so that your partner can fulfill them (which it says you should do) and understanding when things aren't going to go your way and humbly deciding to love your partner anyway (which it also says to do, for God's sake).
Thomas's main thesis, which is simply that marriage, before anything else, is not designed necessarily to make us happy but instead to make us grow in God, was compelling. I can see how other reviewers could think (as I did at parts) that he seems to push this point too hard, instead forgetting the joys, delight, and companionship that marriage can bring. At the same time I think it is an important message that is often lost in these times. Christian or not, a marriage is a commitment to make something as permanent as humanly possible, so it requires commitment in the face of much ugliness and adversity. Having seen poor marriages, it is clear to me that not all marriages are an idyllic state, even if we like them to be. Even the best marriages go through trying times. For those people, or during those times, Thomas's message is one of hope, showing that even in the worst moments we are engaged in an important project not just for the betterment of our partners but ourselves and our relationship with God.
While I do not regret having read this book as a young woman soon to enter into marriage, I definitely think the audience is meant to be already married couples who find themselves disillusioned by the commitment they've entered. You're going to find advice for addressing the partner you have, not finding a better one or somehow changing him or her. Likewise, if you're looking for easy steps to fix your marriage, don't read this, because there aren't any. If you're looking for food for thought in helping you understand and define the nature of the commitment you've made as well as what can make you stronger within it, then check out this book.
Otherwise, the book struck me as peculiar in its relationship to advice. There are many great single lines and lessons that can engage the reader on a practical level. I was impressed with a lot of the passages about how sometimes God calls us to humble ourselves and choose to be the better person even if we're not getting back at the time in a marriage, not only for the sake of a better marriage or to get along with a partner, but simply because God often commands us to love unconditionally without getting it in return. This was an obvious lesson, but very profound to me (perhaps because I'm always terrified of giving more than I get). At the same time, because the book refuses to be another "10 Steps to a Happy Marriage" book, it offers little advice, especially not until the end, for how to handle conflict. The book readily admits couples will not always get along and sometimes things will even be unfair, but it does not offer a good solution for how to toe the line between addressing your needs so that your partner can fulfill them (which it says you should do) and understanding when things aren't going to go your way and humbly deciding to love your partner anyway (which it also says to do, for God's sake).
Thomas's main thesis, which is simply that marriage, before anything else, is not designed necessarily to make us happy but instead to make us grow in God, was compelling. I can see how other reviewers could think (as I did at parts) that he seems to push this point too hard, instead forgetting the joys, delight, and companionship that marriage can bring. At the same time I think it is an important message that is often lost in these times. Christian or not, a marriage is a commitment to make something as permanent as humanly possible, so it requires commitment in the face of much ugliness and adversity. Having seen poor marriages, it is clear to me that not all marriages are an idyllic state, even if we like them to be. Even the best marriages go through trying times. For those people, or during those times, Thomas's message is one of hope, showing that even in the worst moments we are engaged in an important project not just for the betterment of our partners but ourselves and our relationship with God.
While I do not regret having read this book as a young woman soon to enter into marriage, I definitely think the audience is meant to be already married couples who find themselves disillusioned by the commitment they've entered. You're going to find advice for addressing the partner you have, not finding a better one or somehow changing him or her. Likewise, if you're looking for easy steps to fix your marriage, don't read this, because there aren't any. If you're looking for food for thought in helping you understand and define the nature of the commitment you've made as well as what can make you stronger within it, then check out this book.
August 7, 2009
For the first time in four or five years, I did a Bible Study this summer that wasn't an inductive study. To be quite honest, I was a bit fearful that I would hate doing a book study. I can't stand "how to" books and really hate being led by the nose to a specific conclusion. (Issues with authority, you think?) So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoy this book. Here's why:
#1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Thomas encourages us to don new glasses in viewing our marriages. When we choose to do this, we can see our marriage not for what we gain from it, but for how it can shape and change us to be more like Christ.
#2) This book is readable. Our group read two chapters each week and I found I could usually read the most of the two chapters in one treadmill session (roughly 30 minutes).
#3) While the book is readable, it is still thought-provoking. Two chapters each week were plenty to read and ponder. Whether I'm reading fiction or non-fiction, I like a book that makes me think. This book not only made me think, it made me thankful for the marriage I have and made me take concrete steps to ease small frustrations I might have with my mate.
#4) This book has stayed with me. I finished the book a few weeks ago and honestly didn't even think about reviewing it until yesterday. What prompted me to reconsider were conversations with two separate friends about how good I think this book is. One friend shared her challenges to regain her footing in her marriage after the birth of her first child. Another talked about her husband's ongoing work commitments and the drain this places on her family. I didn't have any wisdom of my own to offer, but did share that I think this book would be great for either of them to read.
I've been married 13 years. This book made me thankful for the marriage I have. It also made me determined to pour myself into my marriage. Not to change my husband, but to be changed. If you're recently married, engaged or have been married for years, I'd encourage you to read this book. For the cost of a few hours spent reading, you can see marriage in a new way.
#1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Thomas encourages us to don new glasses in viewing our marriages. When we choose to do this, we can see our marriage not for what we gain from it, but for how it can shape and change us to be more like Christ.
#2) This book is readable. Our group read two chapters each week and I found I could usually read the most of the two chapters in one treadmill session (roughly 30 minutes).
#3) While the book is readable, it is still thought-provoking. Two chapters each week were plenty to read and ponder. Whether I'm reading fiction or non-fiction, I like a book that makes me think. This book not only made me think, it made me thankful for the marriage I have and made me take concrete steps to ease small frustrations I might have with my mate.
#4) This book has stayed with me. I finished the book a few weeks ago and honestly didn't even think about reviewing it until yesterday. What prompted me to reconsider were conversations with two separate friends about how good I think this book is. One friend shared her challenges to regain her footing in her marriage after the birth of her first child. Another talked about her husband's ongoing work commitments and the drain this places on her family. I didn't have any wisdom of my own to offer, but did share that I think this book would be great for either of them to read.
I've been married 13 years. This book made me thankful for the marriage I have. It also made me determined to pour myself into my marriage. Not to change my husband, but to be changed. If you're recently married, engaged or have been married for years, I'd encourage you to read this book. For the cost of a few hours spent reading, you can see marriage in a new way.
October 3, 2012
This book is absolutely amazing. The tag on the cover sums it up: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This is a ground-breaking concept in today's world of serial divorces. We seem to shop for spouses like we shop for new clothes. When the marriage gets difficult, or just worn out, we get a new wife or husband.
But what if marriage is supposed to be hard? What if the "worse" in for better or for worse is pretty much a guarantee, and designed by God, to draw us closer to him, and maybe in the process even draw us closer to our spouse? These were questions that really challenged me to take a look at my all of my relationships. Do I run as soon as the going gets tough? If I don't like the people I work with, do I just get a new job? If I don't like my church, do I shop for a new one? And if I'm not particularly happy with my wife, do I consider just throwing in the towel?
These are all questions I've been asking myself while reading this book. The author really helped me come up with some great answers. After 20 years of marriage, through some hard times when I wanted to just run, I am growing to love my wife more than the day I married her. I feel so sad for couples that never get to this point because they gave up, just when the good stuff (the hard stuff) started to happen. And, more importantly, I'm growing closer to God. I can see him working in my life every day. Teaching me how to love, even when those around me aren't very lovable (isn't that what He does every day?)
I'd recommend this book for anyone who is married, whether "happily" or not so much. It can really help define for you the God-designed-purpose for your marriage: to draw you closer to Him.
But what if marriage is supposed to be hard? What if the "worse" in for better or for worse is pretty much a guarantee, and designed by God, to draw us closer to him, and maybe in the process even draw us closer to our spouse? These were questions that really challenged me to take a look at my all of my relationships. Do I run as soon as the going gets tough? If I don't like the people I work with, do I just get a new job? If I don't like my church, do I shop for a new one? And if I'm not particularly happy with my wife, do I consider just throwing in the towel?
These are all questions I've been asking myself while reading this book. The author really helped me come up with some great answers. After 20 years of marriage, through some hard times when I wanted to just run, I am growing to love my wife more than the day I married her. I feel so sad for couples that never get to this point because they gave up, just when the good stuff (the hard stuff) started to happen. And, more importantly, I'm growing closer to God. I can see him working in my life every day. Teaching me how to love, even when those around me aren't very lovable (isn't that what He does every day?)
I'd recommend this book for anyone who is married, whether "happily" or not so much. It can really help define for you the God-designed-purpose for your marriage: to draw you closer to Him.
November 24, 2008
I got rid of my copy before finishing it (roughly four years ago). Between my incomplete reading and poor memory, I am probably doing the book a disservice. But here are some of my criticisms:
1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our lives to make us holier, including marriage. But I think the overall purpose of marriage is to make us happy. If God designed marriage, then I see it as one good option in living an abundant life on earth. If I shared Thomas’ view, I may not have gotten married (my purpose, at least, was to be happy). On the other hand, maybe I would have married anyway, since…
2. Being single does not appear to be a good option. I think too great a burden is placed on marriage, depicting it as a unique revealer of God, ourselves, and as a light to the world. I know this is a book about marriage, and there’s no need to include benefits of being single. Still, I felt like marriage was being exalted far above being single, which seems to contradict what Jesus and Paul said about being single. Also, I object to ideas like a strong marriage will picture to the world the reconciling love of Christ for His church. Not only because I’m skeptical of such a message being received, but also because I don’t think that it exists within the marriage. (Neither spouse plays the role of Redeemer; big jump from a relationship between two humans of equal footing to Christ and the church.) The emphasis on marriage as a witnessing tool also contributes to another issue…
3. Divorce is never an option. Thomas says, “The first reason I keep my marriage together is because it is my Christian duty. If my life is based on proclaiming God’s message to the world, I don’t want to do anything to challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?” I didn’t notice encouragement to flee abusive marriages, to protect children from harmful spouses, etc. (I would say it is sometimes one’s Christian duty to leave a marriage). But apart from that, I found his condemnation of a failed marriage to be too harsh.
4. This book could be detrimental if read by someone with a demanding or controlling spouse. In fact, Thomas goes so far as to say, “The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my wife happy was extraordinary. Can it mean, then, that if my wife is unhappy, I’m failing God?” No, an unhappy spouse does not equal a failure on the part of the other spouse (it does not mean a failure on anyone’s part). One is not to blame for the actions, attitudes, or emotions of one’s spouse.
5. I usually dislike gender-based advice. While I readily acknowledge differences between men and women, I think cultural differences are too often attributed to biology, and too many generalizations are made. If a couple happens to fit Thomas’ stereotypes, the book will be more useful for them. I didn’t think it fit too well for my husband and me.
6. As someone who doesn’t believe in a gender hierarchy, I object whenever patriarchal teaching occurs.
I’d prefer the book if it didn’t take a doctrinal approach, and instead just tried to offer helpful relational advice.
I got the quotes from the book’s study guide. I really shouldn’t write anything without the book itself, or a better memory, but that hasn’t stopped me from hazarding opinions anyway.
1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our lives to make us holier, including marriage. But I think the overall purpose of marriage is to make us happy. If God designed marriage, then I see it as one good option in living an abundant life on earth. If I shared Thomas’ view, I may not have gotten married (my purpose, at least, was to be happy). On the other hand, maybe I would have married anyway, since…
2. Being single does not appear to be a good option. I think too great a burden is placed on marriage, depicting it as a unique revealer of God, ourselves, and as a light to the world. I know this is a book about marriage, and there’s no need to include benefits of being single. Still, I felt like marriage was being exalted far above being single, which seems to contradict what Jesus and Paul said about being single. Also, I object to ideas like a strong marriage will picture to the world the reconciling love of Christ for His church. Not only because I’m skeptical of such a message being received, but also because I don’t think that it exists within the marriage. (Neither spouse plays the role of Redeemer; big jump from a relationship between two humans of equal footing to Christ and the church.) The emphasis on marriage as a witnessing tool also contributes to another issue…
3. Divorce is never an option. Thomas says, “The first reason I keep my marriage together is because it is my Christian duty. If my life is based on proclaiming God’s message to the world, I don’t want to do anything to challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?” I didn’t notice encouragement to flee abusive marriages, to protect children from harmful spouses, etc. (I would say it is sometimes one’s Christian duty to leave a marriage). But apart from that, I found his condemnation of a failed marriage to be too harsh.
4. This book could be detrimental if read by someone with a demanding or controlling spouse. In fact, Thomas goes so far as to say, “The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my wife happy was extraordinary. Can it mean, then, that if my wife is unhappy, I’m failing God?” No, an unhappy spouse does not equal a failure on the part of the other spouse (it does not mean a failure on anyone’s part). One is not to blame for the actions, attitudes, or emotions of one’s spouse.
5. I usually dislike gender-based advice. While I readily acknowledge differences between men and women, I think cultural differences are too often attributed to biology, and too many generalizations are made. If a couple happens to fit Thomas’ stereotypes, the book will be more useful for them. I didn’t think it fit too well for my husband and me.
6. As someone who doesn’t believe in a gender hierarchy, I object whenever patriarchal teaching occurs.
I’d prefer the book if it didn’t take a doctrinal approach, and instead just tried to offer helpful relational advice.
I got the quotes from the book’s study guide. I really shouldn’t write anything without the book itself, or a better memory, but that hasn’t stopped me from hazarding opinions anyway.
January 24, 2010
"Sacred Marriage" continues to be my go-to book on marriage (which by definition for me could be restated as "Christian marriage"). This is my third reading, and I still find myself underlining, "hmm"-ing out loud, and learning. Thomas treats marriage with a respect far greater toward God than for happiness, and that makes this book unique and profound.
The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one that is explored on every page of every chapter. Thomas' concept is simply stated, albeit hard to live: is the end of marriage personal happiness, or sanctification? It's obvious that Thomas believes the end of marriage is indeed personal sanctification, and Scripture would bear out his conclusions.
Because of this unusual premise, the chapters in the book are not what you might expect. Each chapter deals with one area of personal holiness that marriage deals with: truth about God, good prayer, building character, serving, and so forth. In other words, you won't find the typical chapters on "finances," "in-laws," "sex," and so forth. That sort of inward focus--how can this or that area of marriage be improved--goes against the very nature of what Thomas writes: God is most glorified not when a marriage is pleasing to those involved, but when those involved are focused on Christ, rather than themselves or even each other.
As much as the book is excellent, though, it needs some complementing. Because of the Godward-focus, there are areas that married coupled should investigate, in light of a God-glorifying lens. Sexuality must be examined, probably in greater light than does Thomas. The same is certainly true for gender roles and headship. This is not an end-all resource, but it doesn't seem to attempt that goal. It does purport to be a central guide and correction for marriages that are focused on satisfaction in self and each other, though, and that is much needed.
If you believe Scripture to be true, you really have no good excuse for not purchasing this book. It bears repeated readings, and will challenge your ideas about marriage many times over.
The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one that is explored on every page of every chapter. Thomas' concept is simply stated, albeit hard to live: is the end of marriage personal happiness, or sanctification? It's obvious that Thomas believes the end of marriage is indeed personal sanctification, and Scripture would bear out his conclusions.
Because of this unusual premise, the chapters in the book are not what you might expect. Each chapter deals with one area of personal holiness that marriage deals with: truth about God, good prayer, building character, serving, and so forth. In other words, you won't find the typical chapters on "finances," "in-laws," "sex," and so forth. That sort of inward focus--how can this or that area of marriage be improved--goes against the very nature of what Thomas writes: God is most glorified not when a marriage is pleasing to those involved, but when those involved are focused on Christ, rather than themselves or even each other.
As much as the book is excellent, though, it needs some complementing. Because of the Godward-focus, there are areas that married coupled should investigate, in light of a God-glorifying lens. Sexuality must be examined, probably in greater light than does Thomas. The same is certainly true for gender roles and headship. This is not an end-all resource, but it doesn't seem to attempt that goal. It does purport to be a central guide and correction for marriages that are focused on satisfaction in self and each other, though, and that is much needed.
If you believe Scripture to be true, you really have no good excuse for not purchasing this book. It bears repeated readings, and will challenge your ideas about marriage many times over.
January 27, 2022
Eat the meat and throw out the bones.
There are a lot of practical, biblical and wise teachings in here but the Christian trappings of "man works, woman stays at home" or the examples of moms homeschooling as well as some more Christian cliches (that I hate) make it difficult to read and more so to recommend to someone not familiar with those stereotypes.
Being married to a loving, kind and generous but also strong and confident working woman (who often bucking a lot of the female stereotypes in the book) I don't think I'd even recommend it to her but I have shared some of the wisdom I've found.
The book could benefit from an update and I'm still waiting for that book on marriage that doesn't make me cringe when I see the 50's roles of man/woman being applied to this era.
There are a lot of practical, biblical and wise teachings in here but the Christian trappings of "man works, woman stays at home" or the examples of moms homeschooling as well as some more Christian cliches (that I hate) make it difficult to read and more so to recommend to someone not familiar with those stereotypes.
Being married to a loving, kind and generous but also strong and confident working woman (who often bucking a lot of the female stereotypes in the book) I don't think I'd even recommend it to her but I have shared some of the wisdom I've found.
The book could benefit from an update and I'm still waiting for that book on marriage that doesn't make me cringe when I see the 50's roles of man/woman being applied to this era.
March 4, 2025
This is a great book for those who’ve been married awhile! It’s not really a how-to process, but rather a mindset/perspective change in viewing our marriage as God intended, regardless of how long we’ve been married. So many powerful quotes that I would’ve liked to highlight! (I listened to this.)
“When you say to your spouse ‘I don’t love you anymore’ you are in essence saying ‘I can’t live like a Christian anymore..’”
He also brought out how our culture has overly romanticized marriage/relationships, which gives young people a skewed view of what true love is. Hadn’t really thought about that, but I totally agree!
I will be coming back to this book, and feel encouraged and challenged to make my marriage better every day. I can only change myself!
“When you say to your spouse ‘I don’t love you anymore’ you are in essence saying ‘I can’t live like a Christian anymore..’”
He also brought out how our culture has overly romanticized marriage/relationships, which gives young people a skewed view of what true love is. Hadn’t really thought about that, but I totally agree!
I will be coming back to this book, and feel encouraged and challenged to make my marriage better every day. I can only change myself!
April 30, 2023
«Священний шлюб»
Гері Томас
Видавництво Свічадо, 2023 рік
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“Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?”
Gary Thomas, 2015
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«Сімейне життя- це творче життя. Сімʼї розпадаються тоді, коли ми перестаємо творити й задовольняємося самим лише існуванням.»
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«Якщо мета шлюбу- просто зробити людину щасливою та насолоджуватися пристрастю та почуттям закоханости, то треба було б кожні два-три роки заново одружуватися.»
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«Шлюб створює атмосферу, у якій наша любов зазнає найбільших випробувань. Проблема в тому, що таку любов можна лише здобути. Кетрін Енн Портер пише: Любови треба вчитися, вчитися і ще раз вчитися - без кінця. Для ненависти не потрібно жодних інструкцій.»
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«Найважливіше, що мають почути молоді заручені пари, це те, що добрий шлюб неможливо знайти, це те, заради чого треба працювати.»
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«Ми не завжди спроможні контролювати впадемо ми чи ні, проте можемо контролювати напрямок, у якому падаємо - назустріч нашій половинці чи віддаляючись від неї.»
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Це не моя книжка.
З багатьма тезами автора я не можу погодитися через свої переконання, але ця книжка була мені корисною!
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Про книжку:
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«ВАШ ШЛЮБ — ЦЕ БІЛЬШЕ НІЖ СВЯЩЕННИЙ СОЮЗ З ІНШОЮ ЛЮДИНОЮ.
Ця книжка зовсім не про те, як побудувати щасливе подружжя. Вона про те, як ваш шлюб може вам допомогти поглибити свої стосунки з Богом. Від практики щоденного прощення, через красу вашої сексуальности, до величної історії, яку ви, чоловік та дружина, створюєте разом — усе у вашому шлюбі має потенціал для того, щоб ви стали... святими! І не просто святою дружиною чи святим чоловіком, а саме святим подружжям!
Стати святим — це покликання кожного християнина. То в чому проблема? А в тому, що дуже часто нашим єдиним зразком святости є люди, які ніколи не жили в подружжі. Дуже часто нам пропонують єдину модель духовности — на зразок монашої: довгі молитви, довгі пости, періоди усамітнення та тиші...
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#примхливачитака
Гері Томас
Видавництво Свічадо, 2023 рік
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“Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?”
Gary Thomas, 2015
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«Сімейне життя- це творче життя. Сімʼї розпадаються тоді, коли ми перестаємо творити й задовольняємося самим лише існуванням.»
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«Якщо мета шлюбу- просто зробити людину щасливою та насолоджуватися пристрастю та почуттям закоханости, то треба було б кожні два-три роки заново одружуватися.»
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«Шлюб створює атмосферу, у якій наша любов зазнає найбільших випробувань. Проблема в тому, що таку любов можна лише здобути. Кетрін Енн Портер пише: Любови треба вчитися, вчитися і ще раз вчитися - без кінця. Для ненависти не потрібно жодних інструкцій.»
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«Найважливіше, що мають почути молоді заручені пари, це те, що добрий шлюб неможливо знайти, це те, заради чого треба працювати.»
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«Ми не завжди спроможні контролювати впадемо ми чи ні, проте можемо контролювати напрямок, у якому падаємо - назустріч нашій половинці чи віддаляючись від неї.»
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Це не моя книжка.
З багатьма тезами автора я не можу погодитися через свої переконання, але ця книжка була мені корисною!
⠀
Про книжку:
⠀
«ВАШ ШЛЮБ — ЦЕ БІЛЬШЕ НІЖ СВЯЩЕННИЙ СОЮЗ З ІНШОЮ ЛЮДИНОЮ.
Ця книжка зовсім не про те, як побудувати щасливе подружжя. Вона про те, як ваш шлюб може вам допомогти поглибити свої стосунки з Богом. Від практики щоденного прощення, через красу вашої сексуальности, до величної історії, яку ви, чоловік та дружина, створюєте разом — усе у вашому шлюбі має потенціал для того, щоб ви стали... святими! І не просто святою дружиною чи святим чоловіком, а саме святим подружжям!
Стати святим — це покликання кожного християнина. То в чому проблема? А в тому, що дуже часто нашим єдиним зразком святости є люди, які ніколи не жили в подружжі. Дуже часто нам пропонують єдину модель духовности — на зразок монашої: довгі молитви, довгі пости, періоди усамітнення та тиші...
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#примхливачитака
September 20, 2021
Too many dangerous ideas mixed in with the few good ones.
Gary Thomas really makes marriage sound miserable. It's an old, worn-out idea that the more miserable you are, the more you suffer, the holier you are and the happier God is with you.
Thomas teaches some very bizarre opinions. With nothing to back it up, he states, as fact, that women are attracted to aggressive men and men are primarily attracted to beautiful women. Then he says how awful it is to marry someone based only on those feelings. He actually advocates for ignoring your emotions and not worrying about whether you feel "in love" with the person you choose to marry. He praised the women of previous generations who married men that had all the right qualities but for whom they felt no romantic or sexual attraction. No wonder he's miserable.
It is entirely possible, and common, to marry someone to whom you are romantically and sexually attracted AND who has all the right qualities. Why do we have to be miserable? We don't. We can grow in holiness while we are in a HAPPY marriage.
Also, it's ok to end a marriage you realize was a big mistake. No, it doesn't hurt your mission for Jesus. Let's stop glorifying misery.
Important note-- this book would be downright dangerous to a person in an abusive marriage. Thomas states over and over how important it is to stay even if you aren't happy. A few caveats about abuse aren't enough as most people are victims of emotional abuse, which is hard to define. Most abuse victims blame themselves. This book reinforces those domestic violence myths.
Gary Thomas really makes marriage sound miserable. It's an old, worn-out idea that the more miserable you are, the more you suffer, the holier you are and the happier God is with you.
Thomas teaches some very bizarre opinions. With nothing to back it up, he states, as fact, that women are attracted to aggressive men and men are primarily attracted to beautiful women. Then he says how awful it is to marry someone based only on those feelings. He actually advocates for ignoring your emotions and not worrying about whether you feel "in love" with the person you choose to marry. He praised the women of previous generations who married men that had all the right qualities but for whom they felt no romantic or sexual attraction. No wonder he's miserable.
It is entirely possible, and common, to marry someone to whom you are romantically and sexually attracted AND who has all the right qualities. Why do we have to be miserable? We don't. We can grow in holiness while we are in a HAPPY marriage.
Also, it's ok to end a marriage you realize was a big mistake. No, it doesn't hurt your mission for Jesus. Let's stop glorifying misery.
Important note-- this book would be downright dangerous to a person in an abusive marriage. Thomas states over and over how important it is to stay even if you aren't happy. A few caveats about abuse aren't enough as most people are victims of emotional abuse, which is hard to define. Most abuse victims blame themselves. This book reinforces those domestic violence myths.
March 17, 2010
This book could have been condensed into one chapter. In my opinion, he's a little too heavy-handed with the whole idea of marriage as a spiritual discipline. Although there is some element of truth in what he's saying, he comes across as being himself in a pretty joyless marriage due to having married very young. I will confess that part of my annoyance with the book is his complementarian view of gender roles, which I staunchly disagree with. But not a bad read entirely. He is right in that most people, Christians and non-Christians alike, see marriage as being given for their happiness and not their holiness. He favors holiness, obviously. But does it have to be entirely joyless?
April 3, 2011
Original Review posted HERE
I think every married couple should read this book! Of course, if you are not a believer in Jesus, you probably won't like it. But, I found the book both comforting and challenging.
Gary Thomas writes in a way that's easy to understand and follow with several appropriate anecdotes to illustrate his points. I usually have a hard time reading non-fiction, but this book flowed nicely. It took me a long time to read because there is so much meat in it to process!
Furthermore, he uses lots of scripture and few rhetoric. It's less about building a better marriage and more about seeing the character of God IN marriage. However, his principles can help you build a better marriage as he gives a more proper and biblical view of marriage than most of us hold.
Favorite Excerpts:
"It is unfortunate and sad when something so profound as living out and analogy of Christ and his church is reduced to experiencing this relationship as something that will help us avoid sexual sin, keep the world populated, and provide a cure for loneliness."
"God is always worthy of being obeyed, and God calls me to serve my spouse-so regardless of how she treats me at any particular moment, I am called to respond as a servant."
"No human being can love us the way we long to be loved; it is just not possible for another human to reach and alleviate the spiritual ache that God has placed in all of us."
I think every married couple should read this book! Of course, if you are not a believer in Jesus, you probably won't like it. But, I found the book both comforting and challenging.
Gary Thomas writes in a way that's easy to understand and follow with several appropriate anecdotes to illustrate his points. I usually have a hard time reading non-fiction, but this book flowed nicely. It took me a long time to read because there is so much meat in it to process!
Furthermore, he uses lots of scripture and few rhetoric. It's less about building a better marriage and more about seeing the character of God IN marriage. However, his principles can help you build a better marriage as he gives a more proper and biblical view of marriage than most of us hold.
Favorite Excerpts:
"It is unfortunate and sad when something so profound as living out and analogy of Christ and his church is reduced to experiencing this relationship as something that will help us avoid sexual sin, keep the world populated, and provide a cure for loneliness."
"God is always worthy of being obeyed, and God calls me to serve my spouse-so regardless of how she treats me at any particular moment, I am called to respond as a servant."
"No human being can love us the way we long to be loved; it is just not possible for another human to reach and alleviate the spiritual ache that God has placed in all of us."
August 4, 2017
I read the first few chapters of this book when I was newly engaged, as my pastor recommended it to my husband and I to read as part of our pre-marriage counseling. In the throes of my soon-to-be-wed state, I didn't take the words of this book too seriously. I thought to myself, "Of course I'm going to love and serve my husband. Of course I am going to grow spiritually. Dissension in my marriage??? NEVER!" However, five years have passed and I revisited this book, reading it through to the end. This book really made me think about my marriage and where I am placing my priorities. It made me see my husband in a different way and made me think of my marriage as a mission from God. This book doesn't promise seven steps to a better marriage, nor does it even promise to make your marriage better. What this book does do is make you evaluate yourself so that YOU become better. I strongly recommend this book to any married person; however, I would say that for the most part, only Chapter 10 would have caught my attention when I was engaged.
November 11, 2014
A thought-provoking and challenging book on the way marriage can be used to build character and foster a servant-hearted, humble attitude in each spouse. When the media is saturated with notions of self-fulfillment and romance as the most important elements of a happy marriage, Gary Thomas paints a picture of what he calls a "sacred marriage", shaped by sacrificial love and the spiritual disciplines of forgiveness, perseverance, and respect.
Some gems from the book:
'When disagreements arise, the natural tendency is to flee. Rather than work through the misunderstanding (or sin), we typically take a much more economical path -- we search for another church, another job, another neighborhood, another friend, another spouse. Marriage challenges this "flight" tendency. It encases us with a rock-hard, given-to-God promise that insists we work through the problem to arrive at some resolution. Mature adults realize that every relationship involves conflict, confession, and forgiveness.' (p. 162)
Some gems from the book:
'When disagreements arise, the natural tendency is to flee. Rather than work through the misunderstanding (or sin), we typically take a much more economical path -- we search for another church, another job, another neighborhood, another friend, another spouse. Marriage challenges this "flight" tendency. It encases us with a rock-hard, given-to-God promise that insists we work through the problem to arrive at some resolution. Mature adults realize that every relationship involves conflict, confession, and forgiveness.' (p. 162)
October 16, 2016
4.5*** There was a lot to appreciate in this book. The only reason I did not give it 5 stars is because it was written by a man, Gary Thomas. That sounded a little crazy, so let me explain. He wrote largely from his point of view as a husband and man seeking God, so while I found it very helpful and even inspiring that men out there work so hard at their marriage and relationship with God, there was just something missing. Overall, this book encourages you to accept marriage as a challenge for maturity, particularly Christian maturity. There is too little of this in the world today and I feel our love for Christ really should be evident in our homes, not just for our spouses but for our children to witness and learn from as well. For me, this is the best book I have read about marriage so far and I already know I will reread portions of it. Highly recommend.
September 29, 2018
If I could give this book six stars, I would. If I could give a copy to every married Christan, I'd do that too. Thomas' perspective - that marriage is designed to produce holiness more than happiness in our lives - is refreshing and rings abundantly true. On top of that, he's an interesting writer who advances his teaching with relatable and often funny stories from his own life and ministry. Highly recommended for married people and engaged people within a few weeks of marriage.
Important content warning for single people thinking about reading this book:
Important content warning for single people thinking about reading this book:
December 27, 2015
Fantastic book on marriage
I have never read a Christian book on marriage that placed such a high priority on the sanctification aspect of marriage. His discussion of marital sex was even placed within the context of sanctification. The last chapter was undoubtedly my favourite. The struggle between individual calling and marriage was addressed. How does one live out ones individual calling within the context of marriage? Thomas gives a great answer.
I have never read a Christian book on marriage that placed such a high priority on the sanctification aspect of marriage. His discussion of marital sex was even placed within the context of sanctification. The last chapter was undoubtedly my favourite. The struggle between individual calling and marriage was addressed. How does one live out ones individual calling within the context of marriage? Thomas gives a great answer.
October 7, 2025
Was honestly somewhat skeptical going in because I just don’t generally like marriage books but this one surprised me! Some cheesy anecdotes (naturally) but mature spiritual advice and guidance on living a holy pietistic life in the midst of the mess of daily family/marriage life. I always wish family life was discussed more in marriage books (because what else is your marriage for???) and while this one could have gone further, props to it for actually going there at all!! Really encouraged and convicted by this book. Def recommend.
April 1, 2025
Really grateful for the wisdom in this book and for the conversations it allowed Grayden and I to have. I was super wary about the kind of marriage content I wanted us to consume together, but this book dealt with the topic of Christian marriage in such a holistic, God-honoring manner. Thomas makes such a gentle and lovely discussion about marriage's ultimate purpose to make us more holy rather than happy. I'm glad to have this as a resource to sit on our shelves for a lifetime of learning and growing together.
July 24, 2025
Finished the night before we left for MN, talk about timing!!
Good soup 👍
Good soup 👍
August 23, 2024
The marriage puzzle contains many pieces, some large and some small. Therefore, no one marriage book captures them all. However, Gary Thomas does a decent job challenging us to focus on one of the large pieces—God’s design of marriage as one means toward our growth in holiness, even when we may not always be happy. Some sentences and parts of the book are not as biblically accurate or discreet as I think they should be in a Christian book. However, read with discernment, this book will challenge any spouse to rethink their view of marriage considering God’s original design, adjust their expectations, and focus more on their need to change, rather than changing their spouse.
February 26, 2022
Sacred Marriage is a thorough look at the marriage relationship. It has some fresh points and perspectives that I found helpful. The definitions of service and submission were compelling. The look at sex was different and thought-provoking. The voice he wrote in was a little over-confident overall, and bordered on cocky at times. He was almost clinical in it’s analysis and solutions which just lended some sterility to the whole book. Almost like his heart wasn’t really in it? Hard to explain on that one. 3-stars: good overall.
December 29, 2022
This was an excellent reminder to think more deeply about my marriage than just how it makes me feel. I think I would have benefitted more from reading it than listening, so I may do that in the future.
Some quotes:
"The problem I'm trying to address is that a happy marriage, defined romantically and in terms of pleasant feelings, is too often the end game of most marriage books, even Christian marriage books. This is a false promise. You won't find happiness at the end of a road named Selfishness." (Chapter 1)
"There's no question that marriage limits how much we can do, but it multiplies what we can become." (Chapter 14)
Some quotes:
"The problem I'm trying to address is that a happy marriage, defined romantically and in terms of pleasant feelings, is too often the end game of most marriage books, even Christian marriage books. This is a false promise. You won't find happiness at the end of a road named Selfishness." (Chapter 1)
"There's no question that marriage limits how much we can do, but it multiplies what we can become." (Chapter 14)
August 18, 2024
this is one of the most challenging yet encouraging books I have read about marriage. Thomas precisely nails so many of the culture's—and Christian culture's—misunderstandings about what marriage is and what we should expect it to be. He makes use of so many powerful stories from his time as minister and a writer and counselor. I often felt like I was in the room as he counseled couples. At the same time, he casts a sweeping vision for the creativity and character-shaping power of marriage. Pruning the thought of years of historical Christian literature, he challenges the long-held idea that to be celibate is the right path to personal holiness. he's convinced me that a one-flesh man and woman union for life really is for the good of both and for the world, but probably not in the way we might initially think of it
January 10, 2023
I’m not proud of how long it took me to finish this book. We read this as a small group & I was absent the last week so I never read the last chapter until now.
Maybe 2.5 stars in a world of half stars. It was just average. The tag line of it, “what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” is really compelling to me and one that I totally agree with, but I felt like Gary Thomas ventured far from this central point. I often read chapters & thought, “I just read a lot but what did it even say?” Really, I feel like each chapter could’ve been an article instead.
The book did provide good conversation within our group I’m just convinced there are better Christian marriage books out there.
Maybe 2.5 stars in a world of half stars. It was just average. The tag line of it, “what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” is really compelling to me and one that I totally agree with, but I felt like Gary Thomas ventured far from this central point. I often read chapters & thought, “I just read a lot but what did it even say?” Really, I feel like each chapter could’ve been an article instead.
The book did provide good conversation within our group I’m just convinced there are better Christian marriage books out there.
January 10, 2025
I really loved this book, even as a single person! It made me rethink how I can prepare myself for a marriage, and what I want in a future spouse. Gary Thomas does an excellent job tying in his arguments with personal stories, scripture, Christian authors, and great metaphors. I enjoyed how this book made me think about all the couples I know well and view them differently, especially in a positive light. Maybe one day I can reread this in a much different stage of life, with my future spouse :)
Towards the end, I found it a little repetitive, but it all things we should hear ;)
Towards the end, I found it a little repetitive, but it all things we should hear ;)
December 27, 2023
This is a wonderful book. It discusses the importance of sanctity in marriage, why marriage is sacred, and the higher purposes of marriage outside of just having a partner for life. This book opened my eyes to so many things I never even thought about. We often hear that marriage is the model of how Christ loves us, but it never made sense to me what that really meant until I read this book. I highly recommend this read to all married and engaged couples, and there’s a lot of good information a single person (those looking to get married and those that are not too) will get as well.
November 25, 2021
RTC. Highly recommend this!
June 7, 2024
This book really is different than a lot of marriage books.
January 7, 2025
Spiritually challenging - God is in everything and our relationship with Him should be reflected and grown through our marriage relationships.
August 13, 2024
“Marriage is an avenue to spiritual growth, not a dead end.”
I truly enjoyed this book. I think I could read a chapter every morning over and over again and still learn something new every time. Too many good nuggets of wisdom to count. Gary Thomas narrated the audiobook himself, which also added a personal element that I enjoyed when listening to it on Audible. The only thing I regret about this book is not reading it sooner. I think it could have saved me early on from a lot of battles and simple mistakes in my marriage. What I love most about this book is that it gives permission, and even encourages believers to view their marriage as their ministry. I think as a newlywed that has been the biggest truth I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around. No matter what I accomplish in my lifetime, no matter how high I set my goals or how many of them I actually achieve, none of it will compare to how well I loved and served my husband during my time on this earth.
I truly enjoyed this book. I think I could read a chapter every morning over and over again and still learn something new every time. Too many good nuggets of wisdom to count. Gary Thomas narrated the audiobook himself, which also added a personal element that I enjoyed when listening to it on Audible. The only thing I regret about this book is not reading it sooner. I think it could have saved me early on from a lot of battles and simple mistakes in my marriage. What I love most about this book is that it gives permission, and even encourages believers to view their marriage as their ministry. I think as a newlywed that has been the biggest truth I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around. No matter what I accomplish in my lifetime, no matter how high I set my goals or how many of them I actually achieve, none of it will compare to how well I loved and served my husband during my time on this earth.
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