Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation

by Sura Hart, Victoria Kindle Hodson

More than a tool to correct bad behavior, this handbook urges parents to move beyond typical discipline techniques by creating an environment based on mutual respect, emotional safety, and positive, open communication. The seven outlined principles redefine the parent-dominated family by teaching parents how to achieve mutual parent/child respect without being submissive, set firm limits without using demands or coercion, and empower children to open up, cooperate, and realize their own innate potential. Based on Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication process, the framework helps parents break down the barriers to outstanding relationships with their kids by avoiding destructive language and habits that keep parents and children from understanding one another. Activities, stories, and resources help parents immediately apply the seven keys to any parenting situation.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Communication, Education, Self Help, Childrens

254 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2006

About the author

Sura Hart is an internationally recognized trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) and is the contact person for CNVC’s efforts to integrate NVC into U.S. schools. She designs and facilitates trainings and curricula for students, parents, teachers and school administrators around the globe. Sura has been a classroom teacher in public and private schools and has created after-school programs on leadership, effective communication, healthy sexuality and conflict resolution for at-risk youth. Sura lives in Seattle, Washington.

Reviews

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

649.1 HAR

**available at googlebooks.com**

Amazing.

It took me a while to read this book; I found I couldn't simply read it. I had to digest it. I had to apply these ideas to my upbringing, my early adulthood and my parenting today. I realized these principles apply to every relationship and should be applied to my marriage before my parenting. I got hung up on the idea of being "emotionally hijacked" by my own feelings; realizing for the first time that was a defining characteristic for me that needed to be overcome.

Skim it; read it. The world will become a more peaceful place and more full of compassion and love through every one person who learns these ideas.

Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids

Respect and Co-operation
-power with vs. power over parenting

Self-Respect
-parents have needs, too

rest
exercise
healthy food
learning
growth
fun
creativity
purpose
companionship
honesty
empathy
support
meaning
contribution

What takes the co- out of co-operation
-limited time to connect
-labels, comparisons and fault-finding
-rewards and punishments
-habits of thinking and communicating

Seven Keys of Co-operation

Key 1: Parent with Purpose
-choose your purpose
-choose to think in alignment with your purpose
-choose to act in alignment with our purpose
-choose to listen and talk in alignment with your purpose
-choose to encourage your kids’ choices

Key 2: See the Needs behind Every Action
-all behavior is an attempt to meet a need
-children are always doing their best o meet their needs
-you are responsible for meeting your own needs
-feelings are messengers of met and unmet needs
-children want to be heard and understood

Key 3: Create Safety, Trust, and Belonging
-a child needs emotional safety to grow
-your actions affect your child’s emotional safety
-see from your child’s point of view
-to sustain emotional safety, seek connection – first, last and always
-to maintain safety, trust and belonging, nurture family connections

Key 4: Inspire Giving
-giving is a fundamental human need
-you and your children have many gifts to give
-receive your child’s gifts
-give your gifts freely
-learn from your child’s gift of liveliness

Key 5: Use a Language of Respect
-remember your intention
-notice the flow of communication
-make clear observations – free of evaluations
-connect with feelings and needs
-make do-able requests
-listen with empathy

Key 6: Learn Together As You Go
-whatever comes up, you can handle it
-you and your kids can co-operate to make decision and solve problems
-there are lots of ways to meet needs
-you can celebrate what works
-you can learn from what doesn’t work

Key 7: Make Your Home a No-Fault Zone
-choose to see conflict as a problem to solve
-trust that your needs can get met
-trust that needs will lead to solutions
-co-operate to resolve conflicts
-move from the Battle Zone to the No-Fault Zone

Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson, Puddle Dancer Press, 2006

[Jefi Sevilay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ben artık bu yeryüzündeki tüm çocukları aynı kefeye koyan, hatta a2 + b2 = c2 şeklinde formüller sunan kitaplardan hiç mi hiç hoşlanmıyorum. Anafikrin samimi olduğu konusunda hemfikirim, sadece örnekler, alıştırmalar, formüller, sayfa kenarlarında özlü sözler beni çok sıktı.

Bu kitaplar ya makale derlemesinden oluşuyor, ya da çocuğunuzla iletişimin 5 yolu, 7 metodu, 9 yöntemi gibi madde madde çocuğunuzu nasıl robota dönüştüreceğinize dair kullanma kılavuzları.

Kişisel gelişim kitaplarından koşarak uzaklaşmıştım, çocuk gelişim kitaplarında da artık bir tempo tutturmalıyım.

[Laura (Kyahgirl) · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5; 5 stars; A+

I originally got this book out of the library but liked it enough to buy a copy for my own reference library. My parenting section isn't that big...my self development section is though. You know why? In my opinion, to be a good parent, you need to work on yourself and try to fulfill your potential as a person.

In Respectful Parent, Respectful Kids, the authors focus very much on understanding what makes us tick, why we feel and do the things we do. They give the reader a package of tools to help with that. The book is divided into three sections; 1) The Foundation for Respect and Co-Operation, 2) The 7 Keys to Co-operation, and 3) Family Activities and Stories from the No-Fault Zone.

The things I really liked about this book are the emphasis on understanding your own thoughts and behaviours as well as your child's. About creating a safe and nurturing environment as opposed to one filled with rules/punishments/unknown minefields.

I don't think a person will get the most out of this book if they are not willing to do the work. Like most things in self development/improvement, you can't just be 'told' how to make it happen, you have to reflect, examine, and put pencil to paper. This book could be used as a handbook for a workshop on parenting. The final third of the book is packed with activities designed to help the family work through the concepts. I focused mainly on the middle section, the 7 keys.

[Lesley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an indepth and insightful book about non-violent communication. It is full of in depth information as to why we (and our children) behave the way we do and what feelings are really trying to tell us. I came away with a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play in my home and actionable steps, exercises, and ways to incorporate this into my family. I am filled with optimism and already seeing positive changes in how I approach situations.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read sooo many parenting books & I have to say that this has to be THE BEST & most infomative one I have found with real practical applications that can be immediately put to use in every day family life for any age child or adult. There are great cards to copy for understanding feelings & needs & becoming more in tune with them. This is wonderful in establishing a cooperating language & does help reduce conflict. It is based on NVC (Non Violent Communication) which I have read & studied before. But this book puts it in practical terms & applications that I can use & apply to my every day life. It helps you step into your child's shoes for a moment & focuses truely on connection which is what we are all looking for in relationships. It also shows how every action / behaviour / feeling is based on a need being met or not met. Focuses also on what are basic human needs that every person has the right to have met.

Excellent book - if you only have time to read one parenting / relationship book - this is definitely worth your time!

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book, wish it was smaller so it could fit in my purse all the time. Um, important to add that it's an NVC book. so, if you're looking for a good help using NVC as a parent, this is INDISPENSABLE. I think it's better for those who new to NVC, who have children, than the classic by Marshal Rosenberg.

[Ravi · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

This book is based on "Non-violent Communication and having read that book, a lot of the material was not new to me. Some of the concepts discussed and approaches to patenting are very useful. I found some others to be difficult or not practical. Someone else might find them otherwise. On the whole, a helpful book.

[Kim Li · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Non-Violent Communication in action. Gave me tools to use in the heat of the moment, instead of just theory and advice which never fails to escape me in the moment of conflict. I've already seen some results and my 11 year old is having fun with the language.

[Nicole]

Really following the lessons from this book would require a major investment of time and energy in order to change the way I communicate with my kids (and everyone else in the world, really). I am considering it.

[Jess Gill · Rating 4 out of 5]

good tips and a fresh perspective on parenting... i skimmed through some sections, but found many valuable points in the author's approaches towards parenting, particularly the integration of cooperation and psychology.

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a fine intro to NVC, but not particularly captivating. Maybe it's because it's a recap of what I've already read before, maybe because it's more didactic and doesn't have the case studies/personal touch that the Ginott and Faber/Mazlich books have.

[Dion Lim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Been looking for a great conflict resolution curriculum for kids. A Montessori teacher recommended this book and t exceeded my expectations for developing a heart within your child to appreciate everyone's needs (including their own).

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great without being preachy. You can mostly skim through it and get a lot of value from it. It's all about building a relationship with your kids that is about dialog and working together rather than bossing them around and them being defiant.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am about half way through this book and decided to call it quits. I just find this book so draining to read. It feels like a text book. Not an enjoyable read for me. However it does have some good points.

[Łukasz Lichota · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book but because I knew Non Violent Communication stuff before I haven't learnt almost anything new. Still for someone fairly new to concepts it could be a good book:
- it has good ratio of information to text
- it has many practical examples and exercises that can be used for inspiration

[Mike McDonald · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is one overarching point that is extremely important and that is that all ours and children’s actions are the result of needs And we need to respond based on these and knowing this in a better way as parents.

[Katheryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed reading this book, so much more approachable than Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication. Really helped some of the ideas come to life and seem so much more doable.

[Krisula]

I'll rate this when i'm done. So far so good.

[Katrin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad that this book is out there. A great additional resource for those wishing to implement non violent communication, dealing more specifically with rearing children.

[Jenni Pertuset · Rating 3 out of 5]

why: It's on Carrie's goodreads shelf and I'd like to learn more about NVC as it relates to parenting.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very good book and I'm glad I read it, but it didn't have a lot of practical hand-on tips for dealing with current toddler stuff. Would be great for older kids.

[Karin]

Loved this, didn't finish, will have to re-digest again.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shelving this until book club get back on track.

[Holly · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is excellent if you know nothing and don't know where to start. I found it simple to read without much information that I didn't already know from other sources.

[Private Account · Rating 3 out of 5]

Non Violent Communication is way better. Consciously Parenting is way better. RIE is better. I give it 3 stars for trying and for being about such an important thing.

[Deanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of "reflective listening" is in this book. Nothing really new to learn, but it does include some family activities if you want to partake.

[smschumacher · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars.
NVC approach to parenting in digestible, practical chapters with clear bullet points/summaries. Section of activity suggestions to discuss with children. Recommended if you’ve read Nonviolent Communication and are looking for a related book on parenting (not necessary to read that book to benefit from this one).

[MizzSandie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was full of information and inspiration and had such a loving feel to it. I’d recommend to anyone who wishes to raise their kids with love, respect and corporation.

[Tré · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good, practical activity guide. Will be reading off the resource list for more about the underlying concepts.

[Ricki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best "gentle parenting" book out there. Super practical. I don't agree with everything in it, but it's full of great tools. I would recommend this book to any parent.