Confessions Of A Cutter: A True Story of Sexual Abuse, Self Mutilation, and Recovery

by Lisa Verde

In this shockingly candid memoir, award-winning writer Lisa Verde exposes the truth about her personal journey with self mutilation. She details the years of childhood sexual abuse, humiliation, and neglect that finally led to the spontaneous revelation that cutting and burning herself would keep her tethered to reality. In a boldly convention-defying analysis, Verde asserts that burning and cutting herself from age 11 to 19 was a strong self-administered therapy that ultimately saved her sanity and her life. As she "I wanted to die, but more than that, I wanted to not die." This work of non-fiction represents the very intimate struggle of one girl's journey into womanhood and wellness, through the personal struggle for courage and sanity. Approximately 12,500 words, or 45-60 minutes of reading time.

49 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 29, 2012

Reviews

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

I completely understand that everyone's experience with self harm is different. That being said I feel like Lisa Verde was completely irresponsible in her writing. While providing insight into the mind of a cutter, she detailed how proud she was and how her scars are "trophies" and that she doesn't regret any of it. She describes her cutting as "self-indulgent and selfish". This is not true. I myself am a cutter and I know first-hand that describing it as being selfish and self-indulgent causes more harm than good. This creates even more shame and regret than before. Lisa describes being a "queen" because she had a high pain tolerance and that she bullied people into putting their cigarettes out on her hand. She details that she want deep into her skin and how it looked, felt, healed. She wrote that "Even now, as an adult, I feel a sense of pride that my big, obvious scars set me apart from the pretenders, wanna-bes, and dilettantes who only ever went for the most superficial wounds." This made me so angry and upset. Cutting is cutting. It is as addictive as any drug. It doesn't matter if it isn't long or deep. I don't know a single person in the world who is proud of their scars. Personally, I hate mine. They look disgusting and remind me of the events that lead me to that path. The last paragraph of the book also made me very mad. She wrote, "...hardly anyone does it past adolescence, and almost none of the cutting sessions end in suicide. To me that would indicate that it is a part of the coping toolset of a young person who would really like to live through something. And like surgical scars, it's a marker: There was a sickness there, and someone endeavored to remove it." What the actual fuck. First, there are so many adults that still cut. It is an addiction that doesn't just end suddenly when you reach adulthood. It sticks with you your whole life. There isn't a cure. There is healthier coping mechanisms that we have to learn so we stop picking up a blade. Second, the fact that she says almost no cutting sessions end in suicide is just ignorance. That does not at all excuse the behavior of cutting. This is brushing it off and it's not at all okay. I agree, it is a coping mechanism to cut. It gives a release and a temporary calm, but the line, "To me that would indicate that it is a part of the coping toolset of a young person who would really like to live through something." makes me so angry. This could encourage people to cut. Lisa Verde had good intentions with this book, to share her story. But she went about it entirely wrong and could have made things worse for a lot of fellow cutters who read this. If you're a cutter, I would not recommend this at all.

[Lauren Angeletta · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why is it so short?

I was really excited to read this book. I'm a 28 year-old recovering self mutilator. I assumed, and was right in doing so, that I would have a lot in common with the personal aspects of this book. However, I felt that the author didn't go into enough details regarding the specific title of this book, and it ended far too abruptly.

[Tammielyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me so sad and also kept me pissed off throughout it. Having some experience with a few issues mentioned in this book, it makes me so angry that not only do child abusers exist, in a lot of cases they're given a free pass by everyone around the victim to continue the emotional, sexual, and/or physical abuse.

[Bree Jabber · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone who used to self harm I found this retelling extremely disturbing and self indulgent. I could hear this ladies voice in my head and I was very concerned and angry most of this book

[Vanessa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was absolutely disgusted and disappointed in this book. The fact that she states that the things she's read seem to trivialize cutting, then states that she got over it herself, does just that - makes it seem more simple than it is. Cutting IS an addiction. It's one that I spent time in a treatment center for. Yes, it's as a result of other circumstances & mental illnesses, but it's an addiction, much like drugs or alcohol. People DON'T just stop after adolescence as she suggests at the end (I'd like to know where she gets her facts) and not wanting to talk about it doesn't help to make a topic like cutting any less taboo. In fact, if she did her research, she'd see that yes, it does impact adolescents and young adults the most, but it doesn't end there are plenty of adults, and even the elderly, that self-harm. It may not be in the form of cutting all the time, but self-harm is self-harm. The fact that she proudly states it was "absolutely the right thing to do" is incredibly irresponsible, as if you can only get through a situation successfully with a coping mechanism so destructive. To say she was selfish and self-indulgent for going through this "phase" does an injustice to those who actually suffer with this addiction. It IS beyond their control & implying that it makes them selfish or self-indulgent doesn't do justice to the fact that most self-harm addicts (but apparently not her) try to hide their wounds & scars so that they DON'T impact others. It's a disease of secrets, not bragging and "trophies" as she likes to portray. People in these situations aren't standing around letting people put cigarettes out on them. They're hiding these issues, not flaunting them. When she implies that the more normal she acted, the more normal she became, I lost all respect for what she was trying to do with this book. There's a reason that there's such a stigma around mental illnesses and addictions and this book does nothing but enforce it. People truly in these situations get told all the time to "act normal" or that it's "just a phase" and that's NOT true. These are serious problems with serious consequences that CAN be helped (not cured) with the proper help and work. It's not to say the person will always be "sick" or a "victim" or anything, but it's certainly not as easy as acting normal. I feel like this should've been kept as a diary, maybe shared at a 12 step meeting or with a therapist, but not publicized in a manner that makes others see "look, act normal & it goes away! You too can live a life wrapped in a pretty bow!" I DO have high hopes for my future. I AM on the road to recovery. I'm outside of the "adolescent" category at 26, but I can say without a doubt that I STILL struggle with those urges daily when triggered. It's not as simple as she makes it seem & her story is just that, her story. It doesn't do justice to break the stigmas that surround the thousands who actually do struggle with this addiction.

[June Parks · Rating 1 out of 5]

I put this down... b oh ring. But my sense of wasting $ made me finish (that and it was very short! )

This "story" was not what I had been lead to believe in the synopsis. I was hopeful in the beginning, I was bored, and something else. I liked that the author decided to go ahead and write her memoir in a manner similar to the way her memory of her past worked naturally. Scattered, and difficult to write in a chronological order. I could relate to that and I'm an avid reader and writer. (My natural need to write in order to cope with my own illnesses) However, I just started feeling as if this was not true ....at least not true for the author. It read more like a list of sorts. With no real heart and soul of somebody who actually lived through a childhood fraught with dysfunction and pain. Especially the kind that causes self harm; in her case the title was about cutting. It didn't ring true to me and I did not believe it was anything more than an attempt to piece together things the author heard or read of along the way. Maybe she's not being honest enough? Perhaps. Do I believe that her "story" offers hope or any sense of "how" it could possibly help anybody, I really don't believe she achieved that at all. She did mention she was not giving "advice", per se, but she alternately wrote that she believed her revised or updated book might do just that. I even tried to put myself in her shoes and picture writing anything sensible about my own painful journey with cutting and the many co-occurring illnesses and disorders that frequently come as a package when traumatized at an early age by persons whom we trust as adult figures, etc. It's not a short story. It's not just being able to figure it all out yourself one day because you tell yourself to do so. Or how to do so. Sometimes sounding like those people who don't understand us, and tell us to buck up, stop whining, it's not that bad. Just dust yourself off and straighten out....
Either way, this book was disappointing in many ways.

[Angela Schaffer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't think this book was quite as bold as it boasts. While Verde writes candidly about early sexual abuse and self-injurious behavior, she simply records her experiences and actions, without really exploring the emotions that accompany such experiences and illnesses. In this way, the memoir seemed a bit dismissive of the extent of her illness. Further, it's incredibly brief and all of the sudden, Verde says she had some children, and she was better, despite lack of medication and love of her mania. I just don't buy the fact that it was that easy to heal from her illnesses and experiences, and I don't believe the author was being fully honest in this memoir. There seemed to be a fear in telling the whole truth here. I do acknowledge that such topics are very difficult to confess to, but I felt this book was lacking. Note that my review is in regards to literary value, and not a measure of the suffering Verde experienced. In reviewing this, I feel I must make much the same note I made to my students when they wrote personal essays. Often, they shared very difficult situations, but with poor writing skills. I evaluate them on the writing and had to assure them that a C or D did not mean that the experience they wrote about was not of great significance; their grammar and/or sensory details, etc. simply needed improvement. I think this memoir needed more depth and editing assistance.

[Marissa Ites · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was alright. I just feel like she glossed over everything. There was so much more information that could have come out. Yes, it is a touchy subject, yes it is hard to talk about. But, she already put herself out there in the first place, hold nothing back. This is a big issue for young girls - and boys - and I think that it could have been more of a cautionary tale than it was.

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

A free Kindle download which is why I read it. It was good in that it didn't provide graphic details and isn't a how-to manual on self-harm. I do wish it had gone into more detail on how she overcame it and what changed for her to do so. It just seems like a lot was left out of the story.

[Whitsy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I identified with her to a point, but saying she picked a husband that didn't suffer sexual abuse so he doesn't molest children is ridiculous, and making the assumption that it's a phase that stops after your teens, no. Maybe I got the wrong message from this but that was my first reaction.

[Nickey Furst · Rating 5 out of 5]

One amazing book

As a cutter myself I could connect with this book on a more personal level. I absolutely loved this book and I would recommend it to anyone with a self harm problem. Great read!!

[Donna Zadunajsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not what expected.

I was looking for a book that dealt with more cutting issues, I thought the book was good. I am not a cutter, but I'm writing a book about my daughters friend who is. I'm glad that you are working on making yourself better.

[Emily Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay

It was a good book mostly because I could relate to it. It showed me that I am not alone. But it was a little boring and I thought it needed more planning. But other than that it was an okay book.

[Megan Baker]

Wow...

Oh my gods. this was one of the best things, and most true things, I've ever read. coming from an experienced cutter, it really is just like that. Described perfectly.

[Krisi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simplistic writing skills but seemingly sincere, honest. Extensively troubled & troubling. A necessary type of read.

[Emily Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

...

Pretty good short story of a girl whom went through sexual abuse that resorted to self harm. To help her cope

[Victoria · Rating 1 out of 5]

SUMMARY: I GAVE MY STEP DAD BLOWJOBS AT A YOUNG AGE, I CUT MYSELF, I BURNED MYSELF, I LIE, NO ONE BELIEVES ME, IVE OD'ED ON MEDS, BEEN ADMITTED TO PSYCH WARDS, AND MAGICALLY CURED MYSELF.

[andrea haycox]

Hats off to you, Lisa!

I am able to relate to this work on so many levels. I commend the author for her bravery and honesty in this book.

[Red · Rating 5 out of 5]

liked it

[Christine E Rought · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dull

It could have been so much better. It needs more detail and background. It was too short. Would have loved to read more on the story.