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Ecstasy Is Necessary: a practical guide to sex, relationships, and oh so much more
Ecstasy is the human reset button. It shakes you up, reboots your system, and opens your eyes to a whole new world of possibilities.Ecstasy introduces you to your deepest, most authentic self, while simultaneously offering freedom, intimacy, connection, and spiritual awakening.In this book, you’ll dive deep into the world of ecstatic experience, beginning with the medium through which most people experience ecstasy—sex. However, this is much more than your typical sex book; it is an exploration of the entire erotic self and the infinite possibilities of ecstatic expression.The insights you will gain on your journey will help you approach sex and relationships with confidence, no matter where you are on your personal erotic path. You’ll put together a tool kit for solving the inevitable challenges that arise along the way. And you’ll learn that it’s possible to create ecstatic experiences even when sex is not available or appropriate. Ecstasy Is Necessary gives you the permission and the possibilities to go where you haven’t gone before.
290 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2012
68 people are currently reading
521 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
March 14, 2012
I read this book mostly because I think Barbara is awesome and also because I want to learn how to have better, more fulfilling sex and I identify as being in the relentless pursuit of my joy. This book was beyond anything I imagined it was going to be.
This book is an empowerment manual for embodiment. It is a road map to learn how to go into your body and get to know yourself on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. I spend at least 6 hours a week diligently working on these connections for myself and there was a lot I learned about myself within the first seventy pages.
You begin to examine your values, needs and desires are right away. I was really surprised when I was working through my values, since this timing coincides with my thinking and talking about how I find balance and settle on my priorities. Distilling your core values to six main tenets tells you what your priorities should be, gives you some guidance as to how to align your life.
Get a cute notebook when you're getting the book. You'll need it for your work going inside and becoming the expert about your own body.
It can be frustrating as a single person without many regular sex partners to want to improve your sex life and not really know where to start. I am a big believer in the power of attraction-that you attract what you put out. This book is a great place to work from within to draw to you what it is you want from a partner. I felt not once alienated by my single status. Barbara also begins the book by giving a shout out to "they" as a gender neutral singular pronoun and the book is explicitly queer positive.
This book is an empowerment manual for embodiment. It is a road map to learn how to go into your body and get to know yourself on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. I spend at least 6 hours a week diligently working on these connections for myself and there was a lot I learned about myself within the first seventy pages.
You begin to examine your values, needs and desires are right away. I was really surprised when I was working through my values, since this timing coincides with my thinking and talking about how I find balance and settle on my priorities. Distilling your core values to six main tenets tells you what your priorities should be, gives you some guidance as to how to align your life.
Get a cute notebook when you're getting the book. You'll need it for your work going inside and becoming the expert about your own body.
It can be frustrating as a single person without many regular sex partners to want to improve your sex life and not really know where to start. I am a big believer in the power of attraction-that you attract what you put out. This book is a great place to work from within to draw to you what it is you want from a partner. I felt not once alienated by my single status. Barbara also begins the book by giving a shout out to "they" as a gender neutral singular pronoun and the book is explicitly queer positive.
Read
February 14, 2025An emergent, exciting discussion of ecstatic possibility.
Ecstatic experiences embrace the entire being: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. What this book describes is an embodied, holistic practice. Seeking ecstasy is getting in right relation to our values, our breath, healthy communication, expanding and discovering our sexualities, growing capacity for self and community love… I read with such intensity and interest.
Notes:
We need to feel that we won’t be attacked, swallowed up, or abandoned. We need to feel safe and free from threats of shame and humiliation. It’s important to know that we can be who we really are in relationship and show all of ourselves without fear of losing the respect and affection of the other person or persons.
Obsession is the enemy of creative desire. Obsession leads to tunnel vision— we can only see our goal and the single path we think will get us there. We become completely oblivious to the Totality of Possibilities (LOVE THIS TERM) of ways in which our desire could be fulfilled.
Our yearnings for Something More range from harmless desires inviting us into greater aliveness, to the callings of our soul pulling us toward transformation.
It is just as dangerous to ignore our desires as it is to obsess about them. Whatever we repress will ultimately express.
It is not necessary to know all your desires. You just need to know how to hear, feel, and allow them.
We cannot name our desires unless we have given our desires the opportunity to reveal themselves to us.
In the territory in between, we can grow, thrive, and find pleasure. This place between too much support or sensation and too little is called the Resilient Edge of Resistance.
Make no judgements, make no comparisons, and release your need to understand.
Breath is your single most powerful tool for physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation.
The boundaries we set must be permeable enough to let in the love and solid enough to keep out the stress.
We cannot put limits on what other people do. We can, however, limit our own exposure to people’s behavior.
Think of all your maybes not as rejections, but as a source of delightful future possibilities. This is the proper use of flexible boundaries— when and if the timing and conditions are right, you’ll be able to give your partner an enthusiastic yes.
It’s perfectly okay to have different boundaries for different circumstances and different people— even if that makes other people angry.
You don’t owe anyone a long explanation about your boundaries.
Judgmental statements are final assessments about whether something or someone is inherently good or bad. Judgement stops the conversation whereas opinions invite dialogue. When you’ve made a judgment, there is no place to go— there is no room for anything to change. In establishing boundaries, we want to use our intuition to form opinions, and we want to stop short of being judgmental.
When our intuition isn’t honored… we can fall into the trap of trying to justify our intuition by making up reasons (judgements) that we hope will convince our interrogator to honor our boundary.
In the acceptance of without the expectation of change, countless opportunities appear.
Radical Acceptance is the art of accepting each other’s boundaries as they are without needing or expecting them to change. As we all know, the only constant in life is change, so boundaries do stretch and change. But all boundaries need to be accepted and respected in the present moment.
Radical Acceptance practiced at its highest level… means enthusiastically embracing the way things are as an opportunity for finding infinitely more creative and ecstatic possibilities.
Radical Acceptance is a practice much like forgiveness. You practice forgiveness to release yourself from the bondage of the past. You forgive in order to become free.
AFFIRMATION: I make no judgements, no comparisons, and I release my need to understand.
The only place ecstasy exists is in each present moment.
The present moment is our point of power.
Communicate with an intention of self-discovery.
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” -M.B. Rosenberg
An ecstatic life is a life lived in amazement.
Ecstatic experiences embrace the entire being: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual. What this book describes is an embodied, holistic practice. Seeking ecstasy is getting in right relation to our values, our breath, healthy communication, expanding and discovering our sexualities, growing capacity for self and community love… I read with such intensity and interest.
Notes:
We need to feel that we won’t be attacked, swallowed up, or abandoned. We need to feel safe and free from threats of shame and humiliation. It’s important to know that we can be who we really are in relationship and show all of ourselves without fear of losing the respect and affection of the other person or persons.
Obsession is the enemy of creative desire. Obsession leads to tunnel vision— we can only see our goal and the single path we think will get us there. We become completely oblivious to the Totality of Possibilities (LOVE THIS TERM) of ways in which our desire could be fulfilled.
Our yearnings for Something More range from harmless desires inviting us into greater aliveness, to the callings of our soul pulling us toward transformation.
It is just as dangerous to ignore our desires as it is to obsess about them. Whatever we repress will ultimately express.
It is not necessary to know all your desires. You just need to know how to hear, feel, and allow them.
We cannot name our desires unless we have given our desires the opportunity to reveal themselves to us.
In the territory in between, we can grow, thrive, and find pleasure. This place between too much support or sensation and too little is called the Resilient Edge of Resistance.
Make no judgements, make no comparisons, and release your need to understand.
Breath is your single most powerful tool for physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation.
The boundaries we set must be permeable enough to let in the love and solid enough to keep out the stress.
We cannot put limits on what other people do. We can, however, limit our own exposure to people’s behavior.
Think of all your maybes not as rejections, but as a source of delightful future possibilities. This is the proper use of flexible boundaries— when and if the timing and conditions are right, you’ll be able to give your partner an enthusiastic yes.
It’s perfectly okay to have different boundaries for different circumstances and different people— even if that makes other people angry.
You don’t owe anyone a long explanation about your boundaries.
Judgmental statements are final assessments about whether something or someone is inherently good or bad. Judgement stops the conversation whereas opinions invite dialogue. When you’ve made a judgment, there is no place to go— there is no room for anything to change. In establishing boundaries, we want to use our intuition to form opinions, and we want to stop short of being judgmental.
When our intuition isn’t honored… we can fall into the trap of trying to justify our intuition by making up reasons (judgements) that we hope will convince our interrogator to honor our boundary.
In the acceptance of without the expectation of change, countless opportunities appear.
Radical Acceptance is the art of accepting each other’s boundaries as they are without needing or expecting them to change. As we all know, the only constant in life is change, so boundaries do stretch and change. But all boundaries need to be accepted and respected in the present moment.
Radical Acceptance practiced at its highest level… means enthusiastically embracing the way things are as an opportunity for finding infinitely more creative and ecstatic possibilities.
Radical Acceptance is a practice much like forgiveness. You practice forgiveness to release yourself from the bondage of the past. You forgive in order to become free.
AFFIRMATION: I make no judgements, no comparisons, and I release my need to understand.
The only place ecstasy exists is in each present moment.
The present moment is our point of power.
Communicate with an intention of self-discovery.
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” -M.B. Rosenberg
An ecstatic life is a life lived in amazement.
January 27, 2018
Published in 2012, Ecstasy is Necessary: A Practical Guide is Barbara Carrellas’s third book, but the second book of hers I’ve read. I read Ecstasy is Necessary about one year after reading her other book Urban Tantra. As a sexologist, I read so many things about all things related to sex and sexuality that it feels like work – and I must say, I regretted not reading it earlier because it is awesome. Come to think of it, everybody I know who knows Barbara describes her work as that – Awesome.
Ecstasy is Necessary by Barbara CarrellasAs the title of the book suggests, the premise of the book is that ecstasy is necessary, and starts off making a case for your authentic self. In fact, right in the Introduction, you will find Barbara’s powerful Sexual Permission Slip which I used with permission (here’s that word again) in my Sex Possible online program. It goes on to list a long list of ecstatic experiences to have had – if you’d just notice and open up to the possibilities!
Like a workbook, this book takes you on a journey where you will uncover what makes you when it comes to sex (chapter 3). Without boundaries, we cannot feel safe; and that is explored (chapter 4). Without risk-taking, we cannot grow; and that is encouraged (chapter 5). Without language, we cannot speak our truth; and that is explained (chapter 6). Without tools, we cannot cultivate and nurture ourselves; and that’s in chapter 7.
As you begin to get a flavor of: more than about sex, this book is an exploration of your entire erotic self and the infinite possibilities when it comes to your ecstatic expression. Interwoven with practical exercises, the book promises to give you the permission and possibilities to go where you haven’t gone before. Be sure to check out the Aftercare segment where more resources are provided.
Unlike Urban Tantra which contains exercises for couples, Ecstasy is Necessary is more of a solo journey, which is vital when it comes to learning to deepen your authentic sexual self. I would recommend Ecstasy is Necessary to anybody who loves Urban Tantra, and vice versa.
Ecstasy is Necessary by Barbara CarrellasAs the title of the book suggests, the premise of the book is that ecstasy is necessary, and starts off making a case for your authentic self. In fact, right in the Introduction, you will find Barbara’s powerful Sexual Permission Slip which I used with permission (here’s that word again) in my Sex Possible online program. It goes on to list a long list of ecstatic experiences to have had – if you’d just notice and open up to the possibilities!
Like a workbook, this book takes you on a journey where you will uncover what makes you when it comes to sex (chapter 3). Without boundaries, we cannot feel safe; and that is explored (chapter 4). Without risk-taking, we cannot grow; and that is encouraged (chapter 5). Without language, we cannot speak our truth; and that is explained (chapter 6). Without tools, we cannot cultivate and nurture ourselves; and that’s in chapter 7.
As you begin to get a flavor of: more than about sex, this book is an exploration of your entire erotic self and the infinite possibilities when it comes to your ecstatic expression. Interwoven with practical exercises, the book promises to give you the permission and possibilities to go where you haven’t gone before. Be sure to check out the Aftercare segment where more resources are provided.
Unlike Urban Tantra which contains exercises for couples, Ecstasy is Necessary is more of a solo journey, which is vital when it comes to learning to deepen your authentic sexual self. I would recommend Ecstasy is Necessary to anybody who loves Urban Tantra, and vice versa.
July 13, 2012
Barbara Carrellas' book Ecstasy is Necessary is a must read for all but especially women ages 18 - 120 + ! She provides tremendous insight on what ecstasy is, how to achieve it, and how to effective communicate your heart's desire to those people important in your life is paramount. Ms. Carrellas does an excellent job demystifying the poorly shared information some of us may have received growing up in organized religious environments, as well concepts received from well-meaning adults. Reading Ecstasy is Necessary is more than enlightening. Ms. Carrellas states that “ecstasy is the chemistry that assist a person to transform fear into eagerly anticipated excitement.” (paraphrased by me) :-) From reading Ecstasy is Necessary I encountered many AHA moments and I thank Ms. Carrellas for researching, doing lectures, teaching classes, etc. to make your book creditable.
I highly recommend this book!!!
I highly recommend this book!!!
July 18, 2025
This book was amazing. Put it down and go think about it for a while before reading the next paragraph sort of amazing. It really helped me think about how to make intimidating risks happen for myself, instead of just hoping that I'll eventually find myself in the right place to trip on them. Even the chapter on communication presented ideas in a way that was different and useful. The book ended with a chapter on not just creating ecstatic experiences for yourself, but creating an ecstatic life. The author treats ecstasy as her spiritual practice...which isn't quite right for me. But I could see myself pursuing a spiritual practice of joy, and I really need to think about how that would work in my life. Meanwhile, I'm making ready to take a risk that I've been wanting to take for years...
December 31, 2013
Definitely a book that you need to take your time with and/or have a second reading with. Deals with figuring out what gives you ecstasy, understanding your intentions, needs, and desires, setting boundaries, etc.
February 22, 2014
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. In fact, it is one of the top 3 books I recommend to my coaching clients. Tremendously useful for figuring out boundaries, desires, needs and negotiations for sensual and erotic experiences.
August 14, 2012
I didn't know that my Love/sex life was so boring till she told me....
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND HAY HOUSE FOR THE PREVIEW
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND HAY HOUSE FOR THE PREVIEW
May 29, 2014
Best book on sexuality, joy, and ecstasy that I've ever read. A must read!
January 25, 2013
Enjoyable easy and practical read for thinking about living life differently
August 18, 2023
Overall I liked the book and found it useful, though I think the first part on values and priorities was my favorite. There's some good content mixed in, but also a lot of filler that didn't add anything for me. It's very anecdote-driven at times, taking a page or two to tell a story that's somewhat related to the topic she's talking about. This can be effective, but it was done far too often and I was tempted to skim instead of read.
I liked the distinction between "tentative yes" and acquiescence on page 153. Tentative yes is good, it's excitement, but also some fear. Acquiescence is not a yes, it's a maybe that you go along with while feeling guarded and not fully in the moment. The difference is presence.
I'd give it a 3.5-3.8 star if Goodreads allowed it.
I liked the distinction between "tentative yes" and acquiescence on page 153. Tentative yes is good, it's excitement, but also some fear. Acquiescence is not a yes, it's a maybe that you go along with while feeling guarded and not fully in the moment. The difference is presence.
I'd give it a 3.5-3.8 star if Goodreads allowed it.
April 18, 2021
I have a tremendous amount of respect for the author and how she approaches writing about a subject that could easily feel too esoteric to connect. She combines deeply intuitive wisdom with science, psychology, and a wealth of personal experience and invites the reader into profound exercises. I am not new to the subject matter, practice or author, but this came at the perfect time for me. With a pandemic that robbed me of many of my pleasure practices, the way the author talked about Radical Acceptance was exactly what I needed to hear to feel creative again.
SO GOOD
SO GOOD
April 25, 2021
In line with what I expected from Carrellas, an inspiring and practical work that can help you explore your erotic self. Helps you to put ecstasy at the top of your priorities. I loved the unequivocal importance accorded to the erotic and ecstatic realms. Carrellas is right: honouring our ecstatic potential is crucial for personal growth and global transformation. You'll find here a step-by-step guide for how to do that.
February 14, 2021
A new path to life experiments, discoveries sensations.
Practical guide giving you the tools: boundaries, ddesires, love style to take risks to find new sensations in your daily life with your lover or friendly relationships.
Practical guide giving you the tools: boundaries, ddesires, love style to take risks to find new sensations in your daily life with your lover or friendly relationships.
November 27, 2023
A great book to read if wanting to connect to ecstasy (sexual and not). Some great exercises to do to help with self awareness, communication, building connection in relationship (to yourself and others).
November 17, 2024
Is it missing
Is ecstasy missing from your life? From your relationships? Reading this book you’ll learn how to answer those questions and how to put it back into your life if it's missing. Or increase it to make your life better.
Is ecstasy missing from your life? From your relationships? Reading this book you’ll learn how to answer those questions and how to put it back into your life if it's missing. Or increase it to make your life better.
March 2, 2020
provides a lot of perspectives and questions to stimulate conversations in relationships, and with yourself, to grow self-awareness, and deepen connections
January 27, 2021
Love a book that gives you exercises to do, made a journal from it which was like personal therapy and development in one. Recommended.
February 6, 2021
As usual Barbara, in her inimitable style, delights, educates and tantalises us with a life full of potential for ecstacy. Marvellous.
May 26, 2022
A kind, exciting and inclusive book that really sets out to both inform and enrich the reader. I am impressed than I thought I would be.
December 4, 2024
Real suggestions to live a more sensual and sexual life.
June 28, 2024
Such a a great book for the individual or the couple looking to more fully understand themselves. Yes it’s about sex, but it’s also about so much more. I have recommended this book to sex therapy clients or other therapy clients who are just wanting to better know themselves. Every chapter has exercises and journaling prompts to aid you on your journey.
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews