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The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome
Being a teen or tween isn't easy for anyone but it can be especially tough for Asperkids. Jennifer O'Toole knows; she was one! This book is a top secret guide to all of the hidden social rules in life that often seem strange and confusing to young people with Asperger syndrome.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules offers witty and wise insights into baffling social codes such as making and keeping friends, blending in versus standing out from the crowd, and common conversation pitfalls. Chock full of illustrations, logical explanations, and comic strip practice sessions, this is the handbook that every adult Aspie wishes they'd had growing up.
Ideal for all 10-17 year olds with Asperger syndrome, this book provides inside information on over thirty social rules in bite-sized chunks that older children will enjoy, understand, and most importantly use daily to navigate the mysterious world around them.
The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules offers witty and wise insights into baffling social codes such as making and keeping friends, blending in versus standing out from the crowd, and common conversation pitfalls. Chock full of illustrations, logical explanations, and comic strip practice sessions, this is the handbook that every adult Aspie wishes they'd had growing up.
Ideal for all 10-17 year olds with Asperger syndrome, this book provides inside information on over thirty social rules in bite-sized chunks that older children will enjoy, understand, and most importantly use daily to navigate the mysterious world around them.
282 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 15, 2012
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969 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 69 reviews
August 26, 2013
Though the title says asperKID, this is useful for aspies of all ages. There are a lot of rules in here that made me go huh... so that's why people do that. I never really knew or understood the reasoning behind a lot of these odd little social things that people seem to do.
While I don't follow 100% of the rules outlined, I do agree that if I did it would help me navigate the NT world a lot easier. I know if sucked up my sensory issues and shaved my legs and wore makeup for example, I woul be more 'accepted' as a female member of society. One thing the book doesn't stress enough that I have learned is Choice - you can understand what some of the rules are and choose not to follow them anyhow.
Being aware of the rules is important though, and this guide is very comprehensive and would be a good reference book for a young adult. I'm glad I read it.
While I don't follow 100% of the rules outlined, I do agree that if I did it would help me navigate the NT world a lot easier. I know if sucked up my sensory issues and shaved my legs and wore makeup for example, I woul be more 'accepted' as a female member of society. One thing the book doesn't stress enough that I have learned is Choice - you can understand what some of the rules are and choose not to follow them anyhow.
Being aware of the rules is important though, and this guide is very comprehensive and would be a good reference book for a young adult. I'm glad I read it.
March 30, 2017
This book looked promising, and I think it has some good advice, but it also had a lot of advice that struck me as very disturbing, such as that "authority figures" have automatically "earned your trust" by being authority figures. The author's chapter on dating is also terrifyingly heteronormative, and explicitly recommends traditional "chivalry," including examples such as a rule that men should always walk on the street side of the sidewalk, and claims that all women prefer men who behave this way. The author seems to have a number of problematic biases, and to incorporate them in her advice seemingly without noticing she's doing so.
March 7, 2013
As a parent of a child with ASD who is nearing teenage years I have read quite a few Asperger-themed books both non-fiction and fiction. Up until now the supreme bible/support has been Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome but if your child is approaching adolescence this is the ideal book for parent and child to share.
Life for my son and other Aspies is like being thrust into a foreign land with no knowledge of the local dialect/customs or culture - something which would freak out most of us NTs (supposedly "normal" neurotypical folk). Things NTs take for granted like when to say thank you, how to greet others, how to control potential melt-downs, how not to verbalise every thought in our head without censorship are explained here in a structured, easy to navigate guide. My son has learned a great deal about hierarchy within his class group (alpha-males, queen-bees etc) by dipping into this and whilst it might still seem nonsensical to him the way his class mates act at least he has a concept of why they're "play-acting" and he too can play along in order to be accepted.
I would highly recommend this guide for those who have Aspergers (from pre-teens to adults) as well as parents, siblings, grandparents, carers, educational professionals - there are so many people out there who would benefit greatly from reading this and hopefully simultaneously gaining insight and empathy.
Life for my son and other Aspies is like being thrust into a foreign land with no knowledge of the local dialect/customs or culture - something which would freak out most of us NTs (supposedly "normal" neurotypical folk). Things NTs take for granted like when to say thank you, how to greet others, how to control potential melt-downs, how not to verbalise every thought in our head without censorship are explained here in a structured, easy to navigate guide. My son has learned a great deal about hierarchy within his class group (alpha-males, queen-bees etc) by dipping into this and whilst it might still seem nonsensical to him the way his class mates act at least he has a concept of why they're "play-acting" and he too can play along in order to be accepted.
I would highly recommend this guide for those who have Aspergers (from pre-teens to adults) as well as parents, siblings, grandparents, carers, educational professionals - there are so many people out there who would benefit greatly from reading this and hopefully simultaneously gaining insight and empathy.
August 16, 2018
Bought this one for the 13-year old after careful consideration of several different options. There's a lot that I really like about this book. First and foremost, it's written by someone on the spectrum for kids on the spectrum. It's not meant to be for parents or teachers or adults (although seriously, there are several pages I'd like to print and frame and hang around my office); it's written for tweens and teens, which is great. I like how logically it's laid out, how easy to read, and how non-judgmental the advice is. It walks through, step-by-step, in an orderly fashion, really important issues like when and how to say "thanks" and "I'm sorry" and how to tell if someone is really your friend. There are even helpful practice sessions in the back. These are life-lessons that I (and I assume most people) had to learn the hard way, through trial and error, and it's lovely that someone thought to write it down in such a readable, useful format.
My three complaints: 1) I dislike the term "Aspie" and she uses it. A lot. All the time. Always. 2) The "I like someone" section is geared exclusively for heterosexually oriented people. 3) There is much reference to getting help from trusted adults, but not a good discussion about how to determine whether or not an adult is, in fact, trust-worthy.
All in all, this seems like a great resource. I'm eager to see what my kiddo thinks of it.
My three complaints: 1) I dislike the term "Aspie" and she uses it. A lot. All the time. Always. 2) The "I like someone" section is geared exclusively for heterosexually oriented people. 3) There is much reference to getting help from trusted adults, but not a good discussion about how to determine whether or not an adult is, in fact, trust-worthy.
All in all, this seems like a great resource. I'm eager to see what my kiddo thinks of it.
July 29, 2019
I want to believe that life would be so much easier that I've read this when I was a teen, or even 10 years later. I can't know, but I do know that it was easy read, with moments similar of those when you get friendly hug of understanding that brings peace. It's never too late to bring more peace in life :)
Around decade or so ago I've read Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through Autism's Unique Perspectives and although it was a revelation and I could recognize myself in many things it just wasn't so easy read like this one. If this book existed then and I've read it then, I believe it would leave better impact on younger me - I could relate better and probably directly use advice I've found here.
I would highly recommend it to all aspie and half-aspie people (those who share some, but not most of the traits) no matter how old they are. I can bet that its refreshing tone will leave you in a better mood than before you started reading it :)
I will definitely keep it in mind and recommend to everyone if Asperger topics comes to the table.
Would NTs get something useful from here? I would say yes - this book gives good inside on how we could feel in some situations even though we're bad with words to express at the moment when it happens.
Around decade or so ago I've read Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through Autism's Unique Perspectives and although it was a revelation and I could recognize myself in many things it just wasn't so easy read like this one. If this book existed then and I've read it then, I believe it would leave better impact on younger me - I could relate better and probably directly use advice I've found here.
I would highly recommend it to all aspie and half-aspie people (those who share some, but not most of the traits) no matter how old they are. I can bet that its refreshing tone will leave you in a better mood than before you started reading it :)
I will definitely keep it in mind and recommend to everyone if Asperger topics comes to the table.
Would NTs get something useful from here? I would say yes - this book gives good inside on how we could feel in some situations even though we're bad with words to express at the moment when it happens.
December 19, 2023
this book was recommended to me by doctors when I was diagnosed with autism at 13. i couldn’t finish it because it made me feel super infantilized. I’d usually blame that feeling on having been in my early teens but I was just flipping through it and realized that I have no idea who this book is even for. It talks about teen experiences in a way that is so dumbed down it seems like reading a first grader could do.
The section on dating is laughably heteronormative. It does not account for the massive percentage of queer autistic people and pushes gender roles in a way I haven’t seen outside of movies from the 60s. There is a whole chunk that is teaching boys to be chivalrous and girls to be ladylike and beautiful. It is alarming.
I also need to mention, I can’t think of a single time this book uses the word autism. The word is treated like some sort of swear or taboo. Instead, the author refers to autistic people as “aspies”, “asperboys”, “aspergirls” etc. (which is way worse, given the history behind the word Asperger’s).
I do not recommend reading this, especially if you were recently diagnosed with autism. It made me feel belittled at a very unsure point in my life.
The section on dating is laughably heteronormative. It does not account for the massive percentage of queer autistic people and pushes gender roles in a way I haven’t seen outside of movies from the 60s. There is a whole chunk that is teaching boys to be chivalrous and girls to be ladylike and beautiful. It is alarming.
I also need to mention, I can’t think of a single time this book uses the word autism. The word is treated like some sort of swear or taboo. Instead, the author refers to autistic people as “aspies”, “asperboys”, “aspergirls” etc. (which is way worse, given the history behind the word Asperger’s).
I do not recommend reading this, especially if you were recently diagnosed with autism. It made me feel belittled at a very unsure point in my life.
June 24, 2013
Ever wish some kids just came with a manual? Well, here you go. Whether you have an Asperkid, teach Asperkids, or are an Asperkid, this is a must read. It gives common-sense (common to NT's, that's neuro-typical) guidelines for behaviors and interactions in the socially complex world. Some of the tips just didn't occur to me. Ie, you have to tell an Asperkid how close is too close. They don't have the comfort zone issues I have. Because they often don't perceive the emotional side of a situation, well, the other person's, you need to be specific if they make you feel uncomfortable. Focus on facts and everyone will co-exist more comfortably. Lots of good suggestions and thought-provoking information. If, like me, you are seeing more and more spectrum kids in your classroom or extra-curriculars, do yourself a favor and read this "manual."
December 5, 2020
My experience and opinion of this book is quite mixed - hence the 3 star rating. Some parts, I found to be absolutely fantastic, while others less so. I would still highly recommend it though, as long as you go into it knowing that everything will most likely not resonate with you, nor that all it preaches will be the ultimate or "best" truth, for you.
I'm glad I picked this up, although I wouldn't have, if it hadn't been recommended to me. Why?
1) I'm against the term Asperger's Syndrome and the use of "aspie" or in this case "asperkid" (huh?). It'd take too long to explain why, but this book obviously has both in its title and on the cover.
2) It's targeted towards teenagers. I'm not a teenager. Well, I'm 21, so I'm still young, but it's still written for a much younger group. The person who recommended it, was a grown woman, also on the spectrum, said it was still useful and overall made it sound promising, which made me want to try it.
3) I'd sort of given up on autistic media because it's disappointed me in the past and just left me feeling even more lost and hopeless. I read some books on the topic, most of which I didn't like, because they either stated objective information that I already knew, or took at more subjective route, making it feel almost like a biography, but still communicated as if this person's personal experience was universal for autistic people. I didn't find that interesting or helpful. No use to compare one self.
Regarding concern #1, it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing is that yeah, this book is meant for people who have the capacities to actively work on adjusting their behaviour and self-reflection.
And regarding concern #2, I agree that it can still be a valuable for autistic people past the intended age group. The language isn't childish or oversimplified at all. It tries to be lighthearted and entertaining, but that just adds to making it a more uplifting experience, which I found very refreshing. Also the random age-intended stuff is easy to either look past or adjust to your own life.
At last, regarding concern #3, it has a fair bit of that subjective-pretending-to-be-objective thing going on, which I don't enjoy. In every chapter, the author tells a story from her personal life, which I didn't mind because they worked well as examples and in making it more human, but she does seem to believe that every "aspie" is more or less like her, which I know is far from the truth. I could tell that she has strengths, I'm not blessed with, but also weaknesses, I'm blessed with not having. Though as long as you take whatever resonates and don't take what doesn't personally, it's no major issue. At least she follows up on her subjective experiences, or characteristics, with objective explanations. However, it also relates to one thing I didn't appreciate, which is that the topics, and order of such, seem pretty random. In the end, she does touch on a lot, but in my opinion, not quite enough. Maybe doing that would make it too long, but that's also why I'm wary on books on autism. It can be hard to present people with all the/only adequate information. Thats honestly scares me. It's so important. One example of inadequate or - in my opinion - outright inappropriate information, is the consistent heteronormativity of it, and advice based on traditional gender roles. Another is how she encourages to never talk about politics, etc. and act obedient towards people of authority. I mean, if you don't want to get into trouble, which I guess is a social skill of its own, then yes, definitely. But that doesn't mean it's always the morally "right" thing to do. She also encourages not caring about being liked by everyone and staying true to yourself. Why not when it comes to beliefs, then? It's a choice, but still. Oh, and insensitive advice such as "just get an education and work hard!" (in the context of how to appear more attractive as a woman). Highly problematic and downright stupid.
My favourite thing about this book was probably how kind it tried to be. The author almost took on a motherly role (or was that just me?). It made me, as a reader, feel rather comfortable and cared for.
She made a big deal out of convincing you that you're "good enough" as you are, and talked about self-love in a way that I, as an autistic person, found relevant, understandable and really empowering. Oh, how I wish I'd read this, when I was younger! I can totally see that part being of utmost importance to a kid. Not just an autistic kid, but any kid. Unfortunately, "self-love" is rarely taught.
It's something I haven't read or heard much about within the topic of autism. I suppose people don't think it's relevant? They couldn't be more wrong. Most kids, people, of any misunderstood and/or mistreated minority, are in dire need of it.
I'm glad I picked this up, although I wouldn't have, if it hadn't been recommended to me. Why?
1) I'm against the term Asperger's Syndrome and the use of "aspie" or in this case "asperkid" (huh?). It'd take too long to explain why, but this book obviously has both in its title and on the cover.
2) It's targeted towards teenagers. I'm not a teenager. Well, I'm 21, so I'm still young, but it's still written for a much younger group. The person who recommended it, was a grown woman, also on the spectrum, said it was still useful and overall made it sound promising, which made me want to try it.
3) I'd sort of given up on autistic media because it's disappointed me in the past and just left me feeling even more lost and hopeless. I read some books on the topic, most of which I didn't like, because they either stated objective information that I already knew, or took at more subjective route, making it feel almost like a biography, but still communicated as if this person's personal experience was universal for autistic people. I didn't find that interesting or helpful. No use to compare one self.
Regarding concern #1, it was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing is that yeah, this book is meant for people who have the capacities to actively work on adjusting their behaviour and self-reflection.
And regarding concern #2, I agree that it can still be a valuable for autistic people past the intended age group. The language isn't childish or oversimplified at all. It tries to be lighthearted and entertaining, but that just adds to making it a more uplifting experience, which I found very refreshing. Also the random age-intended stuff is easy to either look past or adjust to your own life.
At last, regarding concern #3, it has a fair bit of that subjective-pretending-to-be-objective thing going on, which I don't enjoy. In every chapter, the author tells a story from her personal life, which I didn't mind because they worked well as examples and in making it more human, but she does seem to believe that every "aspie" is more or less like her, which I know is far from the truth. I could tell that she has strengths, I'm not blessed with, but also weaknesses, I'm blessed with not having. Though as long as you take whatever resonates and don't take what doesn't personally, it's no major issue. At least she follows up on her subjective experiences, or characteristics, with objective explanations. However, it also relates to one thing I didn't appreciate, which is that the topics, and order of such, seem pretty random. In the end, she does touch on a lot, but in my opinion, not quite enough. Maybe doing that would make it too long, but that's also why I'm wary on books on autism. It can be hard to present people with all the/only adequate information. Thats honestly scares me. It's so important. One example of inadequate or - in my opinion - outright inappropriate information, is the consistent heteronormativity of it, and advice based on traditional gender roles. Another is how she encourages to never talk about politics, etc. and act obedient towards people of authority. I mean, if you don't want to get into trouble, which I guess is a social skill of its own, then yes, definitely. But that doesn't mean it's always the morally "right" thing to do. She also encourages not caring about being liked by everyone and staying true to yourself. Why not when it comes to beliefs, then? It's a choice, but still. Oh, and insensitive advice such as "just get an education and work hard!" (in the context of how to appear more attractive as a woman). Highly problematic and downright stupid.
My favourite thing about this book was probably how kind it tried to be. The author almost took on a motherly role (or was that just me?). It made me, as a reader, feel rather comfortable and cared for.
She made a big deal out of convincing you that you're "good enough" as you are, and talked about self-love in a way that I, as an autistic person, found relevant, understandable and really empowering. Oh, how I wish I'd read this, when I was younger! I can totally see that part being of utmost importance to a kid. Not just an autistic kid, but any kid. Unfortunately, "self-love" is rarely taught.
It's something I haven't read or heard much about within the topic of autism. I suppose people don't think it's relevant? They couldn't be more wrong. Most kids, people, of any misunderstood and/or mistreated minority, are in dire need of it.
February 24, 2020
This is a book of social rules for kids and teens with Asperger syndrome. The interesting thing about this one is that is written by a woman who has Asperger syndrome. I found her writing style to be engaging, open, and honest. She is able to really speak to the heart of the issues without talking down to her audience.
She starts out with 139 rules (the only reason I know is because I counted since they are not numbered). I thought that was overwhelming, but each chapter takes on much more than just one as she clumps together related rules. The formatting is logical and genuinely involves the reader. She takes the time to explain the reasoning behind the rules and gives great examples to help the reader understand.
I think this book could serve a wider audience than only people with Asperger’s. Everyone from high-functioning autistic to quirky introvert could find something to relate to themselves. I know I did. :)
She starts out with 139 rules (the only reason I know is because I counted since they are not numbered). I thought that was overwhelming, but each chapter takes on much more than just one as she clumps together related rules. The formatting is logical and genuinely involves the reader. She takes the time to explain the reasoning behind the rules and gives great examples to help the reader understand.
I think this book could serve a wider audience than only people with Asperger’s. Everyone from high-functioning autistic to quirky introvert could find something to relate to themselves. I know I did. :)
May 15, 2016
None of my children have Aspergers but my oldest has some learning differences so we read this together. Some if this may be obvious to most of us but I know plenty of adults who still don't get these rules. Wonderful book for all tweens
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September 5, 2021🌈♾️
This book was a mixed bag.
At the beginning of this book it talks about why it is needed. It is misleading because it says we the readers do not have to read this but and then goes on to list all the things autistics will not get with out it. I wish the author would just say what she means. It comes across like she doesn't think it's a good idea to not read this book but is trying to act like she understands why we wouldn't, all while convincing us to read it. If you want us to read it just say that, be truthful. The list of things she claims we can't get without learning social rules I also have a problem with. Here is the list and the parts I have a problem with:
Career- If an employer does not hire someone because they don't have good social etiquette and they don't have good etiquette because of autism, then that is ableism. I believe we shouldn't just learn social rules with out thinking about them but instead question them and decide if the rule is ethical. Not every autistic is going to be able to be taught social rules or be able to learn them even when they do have a teacher. According to NPR in an article called Young Adults With Autism More Likely To Be Unemployed, Isolated 2/3 of people with autism are unemployed after high school. ( The article dose say it doesn't know what causes this so it might have nothing to do with social rules but this book claims not knowing social rules will lead to not getting a job.) Without money people can't get food, shelter, or water. This is why I believe we shouldn't try to teach autistics social rules to get a job but instead teach employers not to put so much wait on manners and people skills. There are lots of social rule programs and books but still 2/3s are unemployed. A lot of autistics are not diagnosed until adulthood so they wouldn't be using these resources anyways. A lot of autistics will have burn out and be too tried to remember and act on these rules, that doesn't mean they should be fired.
A date- The author herself says she married some one with autism and doesn't always use the rules at home. This could happen to one of the readers. She also admits that learning these rules is a lot of work and there is a lot of explaining with NTs, with that in mind would a relationship that requires social rules that makes you want to give up on learning them a good idea? I guess what I'm trying to say is losing a date because of not knowing these rules might not be bad.
Invitation- I don't have a problem with this one.
Getting along with NTs in your family- I don't think it is a good idea to try to understand family members from a book because I think it takes away communication. Instead of trying to memorize an entire book worth of rules why doesn't the person just ask why a NT is feeling or doing something. This will also let the NT I know they can ask the autistic person things when they are confused. This could help bonding and learning each other's personalities. According to themomvirse.com in an article called 10 Positive family communication rules for your home, people should not assume people's thoughts, feelings, or next actions. It also says to ask for clarification.
I don't know how to feel about the part where she talks about bullying. She says it's not people's fault they are bullied but then says they could prevent it by learning social rules. ( If someone chooses not to read this then is it there fault? She is also saying the victims are the cause even if she also says it's not their fault.) I don't know why people would assume that someone is being snobby instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt because they are not in that person's head. Even if someone was being snobby it doesn't mean they should be bullied. I don't know why someone would think to go to autistics to help them prevent being bullied when they could put that energy into talking to the bullies about kindness and communication. I think she should join an anti bullying group instead of writing a social rules book if that's why she is doing it.
She says that social rules will change and even NTs get confused. To me that means we should put less
importance on theses rules and stop judging people when they break them. Social rules are starting to look pointless and harmful.
I don't think all the rules are bad and their are some I agree with, like hold the pillow. ( Taking criticism and accepting being wrong). I also think this is coming from a good place and that the author wants to help autistic kids. O'Toole seems like a nice person even when I disagree with things. It's also great she is on the spectrum herself! 💜 That's not something I have seen in other self help for autism books, she brings up autistic struggles that other books don't consider. She also has a lot of self love messages.
There are so many "need to knows" it feels overwhelming and makes me anxious, she doesn't say how to memorize them. For the most part they seem to give good advice and I think I might I will use some of it.
As I flipped though this book I noticed some great things like how everyone fails and it's ok not to be perfect.
Playful teasing - I like how she lets the readers know they can tell someone if they were hurt even when the person didn't mean to. I don't know how to feel about the advice to make sure you aren't taking yourself too seriously, one one hand it's great advice to be able to laugh at our selves, on the other hand wouldn't someone just laugh in the first place if the situation wasn't important to them? That's just a minor detail though, I like the message that it's ok to laugh at yourself and it's ok to be hurt.
I didn't understand why it was a problem that her kids where not listening to each other, I understand that not listening makes someone feel uncared about, but in the specific case with her kids the way she describes it they were all happy. Also my friends used to talk in a way that meant they did most of the conversation, they would talk and I would listen. I never minded, I just thought what they were saying was interesting, and it was an easier way of hanging out for me. I think it just really depends on the person you are speaking to. Also the way the author words the section on conversation comes across very judgemental. "and we won't impress anybody. Or get people to like us" (That's not true. If someone infodumped on me I would be impressed and delighted.) "I know that I know what I know. Everyone else doesn't need to know it, too" ( Well some might like to know.)
I liked the section where she talks about emotional temperature and the tips on preventing a meltdown. The tips sound good, I've never used them myself ( I don't meltdown often) so I can't say how successful they are.
Body odor -
There is nothing wrong with telling kids to practice hygiene, but I do have a problem with telling kids to practice hygiene because if they don't people won't like them. According to marketwatch.com in an article called 2 Million Americans Don't Have Access to Running Water and Plumbing, as you can tell from the title many Americans don't have water. In the article it says it makes it hard to go to school. Some people won't always come to school smelling like a rose. That doesn't mean they deserve to be lonely. When we tell people in order to get people to like them they must have proper hygiene we also tell them it's okay to reject someone who doesn't, just because they smell. I once had a friend who did have some BO, she was a very nice person, I think this social rule is petty.
Also the author tries to claim that people need to fix unibrows but then says this is all to look clean to look neat, even though hair has nothing to do with being clean. She also implies acne makes someone look dirty, but what if they just haven't found the right face wash yet? People say DON'T judge a book by it's cover for a reason, because it's mean, petty, and not logical. Why is she saying not only is it ok but people should give in and try to look a certain way that will make people judge them a certain way?
Here's the part really burns me up, she says how people need to look neat for job interviews because it is NTs who will be doing the hiring. Again if someone is denied a job ( and therefore money and therefore food, shelter, water) for breaking a social rule when they are autistic that is ableism. It's also ableist that only NTs are in the position to be the ones hiring. Also having an iron, access to water, dress clothes, makeup, this book, and other things cost money. It cost money to get a job. That's pretty unjust but she never mentions it, she doesn't encourage people to question the ethics of the social rules in this book. She also writes like every one has access to these things and can control the situation by following these rules, but with a world this messed up that simply isn't true. There are a lot more rules to follow in a job interview that are not mentioned in this book, firm hand shake, eye contact, no fidgeting. Those are all things autistics and others struggle with, if you don't get a job it's not because of you, it's because these rules are unjust.
The loveliest curve and an open door-
Telling people to not cuss seems petty, I had a friend who cussed a lot, she warned me before to see if it would make me uncomfortable, she was never angry when she cussed. She was thoughtful and always told great stories, I don't know why cussing should effect how we view people.
The advice go for beautiful over hot really bothers me because people should be allowed to do what they want. If you want to look sexually attractive then do so, that does not make you any less worthy of love and respect than someone who doesn't. If someone thinks you are insecure and desperate that's on THEM because THEY are judging a book by it's cover.
Some advice to men on how to treat women didn't make the most sense. Like, walk beside her not behind her, even though that would make it more difficult to get out of the way of someone walking towards you two.
I also did not appreciate how she would talk to the girls and then the guys because I feel it leaves out non binary people. It's also pretty heteronormative. For example who walks closest to the street if both are men or one person is non binary?
Most of the advice is good though because the gestures will most likely seem sweet to anyone regardless of gender.
I mostly talked about what I didn't like in this book but I left out the parts I thought were good because I didn't want this to be any longer than it is. I would get this book but be aware it is not perfect and question things as you go. Most of it seems pretty good.
I think the question "should autistics learn social rules and change how they act?" is a complex one. Comments and discussion of my review would be most welcome!
February 8, 2022
*****5 Stars!
“I wasn’t defective, I was different.”
First I would like to thank Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for allowing me to read an arc of this book. I am honored to have been given the chance to read it and give an honest review.
This book was not only very beautifully written but also extremely uplifting, it was an absolute joy to read. Being a Neurodivergent adult I found this book to be very relatable and it is a book that I think everyone ought to read. Not only would it be helpful for other Neurodivergent individuals trying to learn and understand themselves, but it would also be extremely beneficial for Neurotypicals to read as well to help them better understand their fellow Neurodivergent loved ones and friends. Growing up there were a lot of things I didn’t quite understand about myself and I was left to assume it was just me who was struggling with things that everyone around me seemed to understand perfectly. Had I read this book growing up I would have been assured earlier on that it was not just me and there were other people who shared very similar issues and struggles.
The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is highly detailed with beautiful art to help further explain the information within the book, which made it very interesting. Each page in this book was filled with positive messages and kind and understanding words. This book assures the reader that it is perfectly okay to be different and to embrace yourself for who you are, which is a message I think the world needs to receive. This is a book I would highly recommend!
“I wasn’t defective, I was different.”
First I would like to thank Jessica Kingsley Publishers and NetGalley for allowing me to read an arc of this book. I am honored to have been given the chance to read it and give an honest review.
This book was not only very beautifully written but also extremely uplifting, it was an absolute joy to read. Being a Neurodivergent adult I found this book to be very relatable and it is a book that I think everyone ought to read. Not only would it be helpful for other Neurodivergent individuals trying to learn and understand themselves, but it would also be extremely beneficial for Neurotypicals to read as well to help them better understand their fellow Neurodivergent loved ones and friends. Growing up there were a lot of things I didn’t quite understand about myself and I was left to assume it was just me who was struggling with things that everyone around me seemed to understand perfectly. Had I read this book growing up I would have been assured earlier on that it was not just me and there were other people who shared very similar issues and struggles.
The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules is highly detailed with beautiful art to help further explain the information within the book, which made it very interesting. Each page in this book was filled with positive messages and kind and understanding words. This book assures the reader that it is perfectly okay to be different and to embrace yourself for who you are, which is a message I think the world needs to receive. This is a book I would highly recommend!
December 23, 2020
Even though the title states the book's target audience is tweens and teens, autistics of all ages may benefit from reading this book. My library even has it shelved in the adult nonfiction section. I appreciated that this book was written for autistics by an autistic woman raising three autistic children. After taking copious notes about invisible boundaries and self-advocacy, I decided to purchase this book so I could refer back to as needed.
This book is eight years old and could benefit from an update. I mean, Asperger Syndrome is no longer a diagnosis given by the DSM. The book also focuses solely on heteronormativity and the gender binary. Gender and sexual identity are more varied in autistics than in the general population, so the book should do more to address this. Lastly, the book talked a lot about identifying friends vs. acquaintances, but expected the reader to have full trust in authority figures. Trusting authority has nuance to it, just like deciding whether to trust a friend does.
This book is eight years old and could benefit from an update. I mean, Asperger Syndrome is no longer a diagnosis given by the DSM. The book also focuses solely on heteronormativity and the gender binary. Gender and sexual identity are more varied in autistics than in the general population, so the book should do more to address this. Lastly, the book talked a lot about identifying friends vs. acquaintances, but expected the reader to have full trust in authority figures. Trusting authority has nuance to it, just like deciding whether to trust a friend does.
May 28, 2020
Not much to explain. It’s a great book that helped a lot but it was not outstanding. It also had a few logically invalid parts, some of which are:
Stickie 50- if a conversation is one on one, does that mean there should be no talking a third of the time?
Practice Session 1- that person overreacted A TON. At least Asperpeople overreact for logically valid reasons, not a slightly unnecessary correction.
Stickie 50- if a conversation is one on one, does that mean there should be no talking a third of the time?
Practice Session 1- that person overreacted A TON. At least Asperpeople overreact for logically valid reasons, not a slightly unnecessary correction.
April 7, 2025
STILL Extremely harmful and damaging.
I originally published this review on Amazon in 2022, and unfortunately they took it down.
With the 10th anniversary edition of this book being published, and the harmful core beliefs still remaining I feel that it is important for me to once again review this book as one of the kids who was traumatised by this harmful narrative over a decade ago and has by now as an adult managed to unlearn the deeply harmful rhetoric it taught me.
First of all, the 10th anniversary edition does nothing whatsoever to rectify the mistakes the original made. It couldn't. The only way it could is for it to be never published again and an apology made.
It has a few minor changes - a deeply inadequate attempt to put a bandaid over certain faults the original had-
"Asperkids" is the first glaring mistake. It is not a quirky, positive or fun name as the author think it is. It derives from a nazi eugenicist. Your first mistake was even considering that term to be acceptable to use anymore.
This is still the same demeaning rulebook it was, the bandaids do nothing as it is fundamentally harmful from the very core.
I was given this book at age 13 when I was first diagnosed with autism as a girl.
First of all, the name uses an outdated and highly offensive term. Hans Asperger was linked to Nazism and his work with autistic children was part of Nazi Eugenics in which many disabled children were killed.
Perhaps in 2013 it was excusable to be ignorant of the effects of this term, but having changed nothing 10 years later and going so far as to publish a celebratory edition just goes to show how unapologetic the author is about her harmful actions.
Herself being autistic does not excuse this, and it's downright laughable to list Elon Musk as an autistic role model after what he himself has said about autism. Although quite frankly I am not surprised given the sugarcoated ableism that drips from this book's deeply harmful pages.
The 10 year anniversary edition to me feels like nothing more than repackaged misinformation and ignorance, not to mention a celebration of a decade of traumatising autistic kids.
Being as forgiving as I can be, perhaps in 2013 the O'Toole could be given the benefit of the doubt of ignorance and lack of neurodiverse positive resources, but over a decade later with how autistic advocacy has progressed, the advice she expresses within this book is inexcusable.
The tone of the book is incredibly cruel and patronising to it's target audience of kids and teens.
I remember reading this and following the advice and ending up becoming extremely depressed. I was given many similar books by professionals - which is no suprise as autism "care" is rife with ableism - however this one out of all of them all affected me the most.
I'm absolutely disgusted that something like this is still available on the market.
Autistic people do not need to be told to repress and change what cannot be changed. Despite O'Toole's attempts to convince the child reader otherwise, this is absolutely a guide on how to mask and change yourself fundamentally.
I found the advice conflicting and downright nonsensical as an adult, so I do not understand how kids could decipher it.
The language is extremely manipulative and contradictive, as a kid who read this who was at the time within the target audience, the author is not your friend.
They do not need to be shamed and rediculed for the ignorance of Neurotypicals in a patronising "rule book."
I have grown up and realised this information is damaging and gotten rid of the book, however having upon researchiny and reading parts online it certainly brings up the memories of the "rules" I tried so hard to follow and ended up becoming depressed and suicidal for not fitting the norm.
I do not exaggerate or sensationalise when I say that this book is deeply HARMFUL.
I found that this book actually helped to to accept the abuse I was getting for being autistic, believing the problem lied with me.
Less focus needs to be on "social rules" often very much rooted in oppression and control. In this book Neurodivergent folk are blamed for bullying/not getting a job/ostracisation when rather the focus and books should be written on educating Neurotypicals that there is absolutely nothing wrong about autistic people, being written by an autistic woman makes no difference as she still approaches it with a very hard "one size fits all" approach.
From reading what is available for free online (which was triggering to say the least) "Get in line or else" is actually used and summarises this book perfectly.
This kind of conditioning is highly traumatising and I know has had huge detrimental effects to countless ND children.
Using terms such as "I did not help myself" in reference to bullying is highly victim blaming and sends a very clear cut message to conform to a ND child. That is impossible to do and causes burn out, meltdowns and can lead to suicidal thoughts.
Autistic people DO NOT need to change themselves to appease or accommodate ableist Neurotypicals.
Neurotypicals being made uncomfortable by harmless behaviour that deviates from the norm is not our responsibility to bare the burden for.
They do not need a petty, demeaning set of "rules" to follow in fear of otherwise being bullied - which will happen anyway, as masking does NOT work.
Why don't you instead write a book educating NT kids instead of punishing us for being ourselves?
I get very heavy ABA vibes from this, it's definitely in the same vein.
It feels as if you could use the exact same writing style and apply it to LGBT+ people in a way to get them to conform to hetetonormativity and gender binary - ABA and gay conversion therapy being in the same roots from Ivar Lovaas.
Ivar Lovaas was involved in "The Feminine boy project." The EXACT same tactics listed in this book are being used to punish behaviour from LGBT+ individuals and push conformity.
You CAN NOT change or even alter something you were born with. Autism does not co-exist with "harmful behaviour."
Not to mention, I recall the dating section being rediculously heteronormative which is extremely disappointing considering ND people are far more likely to be LGBT+
While she does point out a few times that it's unfair for NTs to bully us, she still upholds the view that blame lies within us and it is for whatever reason, our job to change what is in-built within us. The victim blaming is rife, I feel as if the author has a lot of internalised ableism from the hard times she has had in her past. And is trying to "help" kids not go what she went through in an extremely unhelpful way.
Masking does NOT help, and never will help. This book, stripped at its core, is a pitiful guide on how to mask.
From what I could read online, there is some slightly useful information on basic etiquette, politeness, and empathy - however from my experience Neurotypicals are the ones who need this advice the most. There is no need to frame it in a way that demonises and punishes autistic people.
The advice is highly conflicting and nonsensical, with at one point encouraging ND people to "be who you are" while the next threatening readers with "consequences"
It is extremely anxiety inducing, I felt that as a young teen reading this. I actually remember crying and wishing I was "Normal."
As I have mentioned previously, "consequences" could well apply to non-cishet people for "acting out of line." Replace the terms and you will see the exact same tactics and language are used in conversion therapy.
Also comparing masking to learning a different language is a laughably defective metaphor, of which there are many objectively incorrect and terrible metaphors peppered throughout.
Also, authorities do not warrant obligation and respect solely because they are in that position, that is wildly ignorant. Authority figures have been known to abuse autistic people frequently.
This is a highly succinct summary, although I cannot cover everything, the general sentiment of the book is the same throughout.
Sadly, many ableist books like this still exist and I believe outdated and extremely harmful information like this should stop being commercially available, this has been published for a decade and has personally harmed me which is why I have decided to voice my thoughts. The majority of positive reviews appear to be from misinformed and ignorant Neurotypical parents/teachers/carers.
I do not see many autistic people themselves speaking out about something that is being directed at us.
Speaking as an autistic woman, I do not want this to damage any future generations like it did with me, It's time for this rhetoric to end once and for all.
I originally published this review on Amazon in 2022, and unfortunately they took it down.
With the 10th anniversary edition of this book being published, and the harmful core beliefs still remaining I feel that it is important for me to once again review this book as one of the kids who was traumatised by this harmful narrative over a decade ago and has by now as an adult managed to unlearn the deeply harmful rhetoric it taught me.
First of all, the 10th anniversary edition does nothing whatsoever to rectify the mistakes the original made. It couldn't. The only way it could is for it to be never published again and an apology made.
It has a few minor changes - a deeply inadequate attempt to put a bandaid over certain faults the original had-
"Asperkids" is the first glaring mistake. It is not a quirky, positive or fun name as the author think it is. It derives from a nazi eugenicist. Your first mistake was even considering that term to be acceptable to use anymore.
This is still the same demeaning rulebook it was, the bandaids do nothing as it is fundamentally harmful from the very core.
I was given this book at age 13 when I was first diagnosed with autism as a girl.
First of all, the name uses an outdated and highly offensive term. Hans Asperger was linked to Nazism and his work with autistic children was part of Nazi Eugenics in which many disabled children were killed.
Perhaps in 2013 it was excusable to be ignorant of the effects of this term, but having changed nothing 10 years later and going so far as to publish a celebratory edition just goes to show how unapologetic the author is about her harmful actions.
Herself being autistic does not excuse this, and it's downright laughable to list Elon Musk as an autistic role model after what he himself has said about autism. Although quite frankly I am not surprised given the sugarcoated ableism that drips from this book's deeply harmful pages.
The 10 year anniversary edition to me feels like nothing more than repackaged misinformation and ignorance, not to mention a celebration of a decade of traumatising autistic kids.
Being as forgiving as I can be, perhaps in 2013 the O'Toole could be given the benefit of the doubt of ignorance and lack of neurodiverse positive resources, but over a decade later with how autistic advocacy has progressed, the advice she expresses within this book is inexcusable.
The tone of the book is incredibly cruel and patronising to it's target audience of kids and teens.
I remember reading this and following the advice and ending up becoming extremely depressed. I was given many similar books by professionals - which is no suprise as autism "care" is rife with ableism - however this one out of all of them all affected me the most.
I'm absolutely disgusted that something like this is still available on the market.
Autistic people do not need to be told to repress and change what cannot be changed. Despite O'Toole's attempts to convince the child reader otherwise, this is absolutely a guide on how to mask and change yourself fundamentally.
I found the advice conflicting and downright nonsensical as an adult, so I do not understand how kids could decipher it.
The language is extremely manipulative and contradictive, as a kid who read this who was at the time within the target audience, the author is not your friend.
They do not need to be shamed and rediculed for the ignorance of Neurotypicals in a patronising "rule book."
I have grown up and realised this information is damaging and gotten rid of the book, however having upon researchiny and reading parts online it certainly brings up the memories of the "rules" I tried so hard to follow and ended up becoming depressed and suicidal for not fitting the norm.
I do not exaggerate or sensationalise when I say that this book is deeply HARMFUL.
I found that this book actually helped to to accept the abuse I was getting for being autistic, believing the problem lied with me.
Less focus needs to be on "social rules" often very much rooted in oppression and control. In this book Neurodivergent folk are blamed for bullying/not getting a job/ostracisation when rather the focus and books should be written on educating Neurotypicals that there is absolutely nothing wrong about autistic people, being written by an autistic woman makes no difference as she still approaches it with a very hard "one size fits all" approach.
From reading what is available for free online (which was triggering to say the least) "Get in line or else" is actually used and summarises this book perfectly.
This kind of conditioning is highly traumatising and I know has had huge detrimental effects to countless ND children.
Using terms such as "I did not help myself" in reference to bullying is highly victim blaming and sends a very clear cut message to conform to a ND child. That is impossible to do and causes burn out, meltdowns and can lead to suicidal thoughts.
Autistic people DO NOT need to change themselves to appease or accommodate ableist Neurotypicals.
Neurotypicals being made uncomfortable by harmless behaviour that deviates from the norm is not our responsibility to bare the burden for.
They do not need a petty, demeaning set of "rules" to follow in fear of otherwise being bullied - which will happen anyway, as masking does NOT work.
Why don't you instead write a book educating NT kids instead of punishing us for being ourselves?
I get very heavy ABA vibes from this, it's definitely in the same vein.
It feels as if you could use the exact same writing style and apply it to LGBT+ people in a way to get them to conform to hetetonormativity and gender binary - ABA and gay conversion therapy being in the same roots from Ivar Lovaas.
Ivar Lovaas was involved in "The Feminine boy project." The EXACT same tactics listed in this book are being used to punish behaviour from LGBT+ individuals and push conformity.
You CAN NOT change or even alter something you were born with. Autism does not co-exist with "harmful behaviour."
Not to mention, I recall the dating section being rediculously heteronormative which is extremely disappointing considering ND people are far more likely to be LGBT+
While she does point out a few times that it's unfair for NTs to bully us, she still upholds the view that blame lies within us and it is for whatever reason, our job to change what is in-built within us. The victim blaming is rife, I feel as if the author has a lot of internalised ableism from the hard times she has had in her past. And is trying to "help" kids not go what she went through in an extremely unhelpful way.
Masking does NOT help, and never will help. This book, stripped at its core, is a pitiful guide on how to mask.
From what I could read online, there is some slightly useful information on basic etiquette, politeness, and empathy - however from my experience Neurotypicals are the ones who need this advice the most. There is no need to frame it in a way that demonises and punishes autistic people.
The advice is highly conflicting and nonsensical, with at one point encouraging ND people to "be who you are" while the next threatening readers with "consequences"
It is extremely anxiety inducing, I felt that as a young teen reading this. I actually remember crying and wishing I was "Normal."
As I have mentioned previously, "consequences" could well apply to non-cishet people for "acting out of line." Replace the terms and you will see the exact same tactics and language are used in conversion therapy.
Also comparing masking to learning a different language is a laughably defective metaphor, of which there are many objectively incorrect and terrible metaphors peppered throughout.
Also, authorities do not warrant obligation and respect solely because they are in that position, that is wildly ignorant. Authority figures have been known to abuse autistic people frequently.
This is a highly succinct summary, although I cannot cover everything, the general sentiment of the book is the same throughout.
Sadly, many ableist books like this still exist and I believe outdated and extremely harmful information like this should stop being commercially available, this has been published for a decade and has personally harmed me which is why I have decided to voice my thoughts. The majority of positive reviews appear to be from misinformed and ignorant Neurotypical parents/teachers/carers.
I do not see many autistic people themselves speaking out about something that is being directed at us.
Speaking as an autistic woman, I do not want this to damage any future generations like it did with me, It's time for this rhetoric to end once and for all.
Read
July 27, 2016O’Toole, Jennifer C. (2012). The Asperkid’s (secret) book of social rules. Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Limited.
Type of Reference- Handbook
Content/Scope- Begins with a list of 125 ‘need to knows’. Ranges from making friends and social rules to hygiene and social space. Also lists helpful websites and books.
Accuracy/Authority/Bias- The author worked as both a social worker and a teacher in special education and mainstream education. She has won awards in her work with Asperger Syndrome.
Arrangement/Presentation- An easy to read arrangement of quotes and advice as well as lists.
Accessibility/Diversity- Language that is teen friendly and easy to understand. This handbook can be used by students with Aspergers or to help students understand classmates or family members. This group is underrepresented in most libraries.
Relation to other works- The library has two novels and one biography dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome. No reference materials on Asperger’s were found.
Timeliness and Permanence – This is a condition that many students deal with and that most students will come in contact with at some point.
Cost- 19.95 Trade Paperback
Review http://www.booksinprint.com.libsrv.wk...#
Type of Reference- Handbook
Content/Scope- Begins with a list of 125 ‘need to knows’. Ranges from making friends and social rules to hygiene and social space. Also lists helpful websites and books.
Accuracy/Authority/Bias- The author worked as both a social worker and a teacher in special education and mainstream education. She has won awards in her work with Asperger Syndrome.
Arrangement/Presentation- An easy to read arrangement of quotes and advice as well as lists.
Accessibility/Diversity- Language that is teen friendly and easy to understand. This handbook can be used by students with Aspergers or to help students understand classmates or family members. This group is underrepresented in most libraries.
Relation to other works- The library has two novels and one biography dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome. No reference materials on Asperger’s were found.
Timeliness and Permanence – This is a condition that many students deal with and that most students will come in contact with at some point.
Cost- 19.95 Trade Paperback
Review http://www.booksinprint.com.libsrv.wk...#
April 21, 2014
I should probably give this book a higher rating - it's thoughtful, insightful and well written. I think my feeling about the book is more my own knee-jerk reaction to the reality that the rest of the world is operating on a very different set of rules from me, and I kinda deeply resent that. Universe? Are you listening? I'm not well pleased!
In fairness, Jennifer Cook O'Toole has written a really useful book that sheds light on a lot of mysteries about the way social conventions work for the majority of people on the planet. Fair play to her, for making that attempt. A tiny part of me is grateful for her endeavour.
In fairness, Jennifer Cook O'Toole has written a really useful book that sheds light on a lot of mysteries about the way social conventions work for the majority of people on the planet. Fair play to her, for making that attempt. A tiny part of me is grateful for her endeavour.
June 13, 2024
Horrible book it teaches kids with Asperger syndrome that they need to be fix that they need to change themselves and their thinking to be someone else and please society instead of being themselves plus they never use the terms asd Asperger syndrome or autism it’s like it’s a bad word this book feels belittling and made me feel horrible
Read
June 12, 2019Although the book is directed to kids/teens there is plenty of good advice for anyone. It is written by a women who is an Aspie, married to an Aspie and has 3 Aspie kids.
February 25, 2022
3.5 🌟 🌟 🌟 💫
Welcome to the 10th anniversary edition of Asperkids Secret Book of Social Rules. Do not be thrown by the term "asperkids". While the term aspergers is not used in the UK for diagnosis at present, the author wrote this book in 2012 and it is he term used when she was diagnosed. She goes on to talk about the various preferences for "name calling" from neurodiverse, neurodivergent, person with autism or aspergers to autistic person. It is all personal. Jennifer herself coined the term "asperkids" when penning this book.
The book acts as her backstory. She grabbed a notebook one day as her friend attempted to explain something and so began her attempt at noting down social rules to help her navigate the every day.
So what does the book consist of?: a long list of 140 social rules that Jennifer picked up along the way, 30 mini chapters about some of these rules where she breaks them down, along with some practical advice and some comic strip to help illustrate.
The easiest way to access this book is to dip innand out as needed. It is word heavy as there is so much advice so not easily read in one or two sittings.. The chapter headings are given in metaphoric form with a cartoon to illustrate the social issue. Metaphors are particularly difficult for my teen son to understand so these didn't make much sense until he read on. That is the idea though - an unintelligible social issue osexplained to make it more accessible. An issues like "sorting mountains from molehills" is broken down into more memorable ways.
I found it best to read this as a parent and teacher of autistic teens and then discuss relevant issues. Eg 178 on "hygiene" came up quickly with a teen boy! There is advice on a wide range of issues: friendship, flirting, school, self advocacy and knowing your strengths, social media, etc. Personally I find a hard copy easier to navigate. My son would pick it up to browse every now and then, whereas he would have to be handed the ebook to remind him it existed. This shiny new edition is due June 2022.
However , like all advice, it will not suit all persons - it doesn't offer definitive answers to each issue. It makes some assumptions too - that the teens are heteronormative when it comes to flirting and dating, and that authority figures can be trusted. We do have to bear in mind that this is a subjective set of rules and experiences being shared and that is why we can dip in and out with the ones that personally apply.
Overall, the author attempts to connect with the reader in a kind and understanding manner. She has navigated her own path through the autism spectrum into adulthood and is passing on her advice with best intentions. Like parent or caregiver to child - advice is given and you choose whether to take it on board before navigating your own path. For my son and I, there are lots of useful tips to glean and a few we can skip over. We are just thankful that people like Jennifer, who have navigated diagnosis have left us with some tips, so that we have a starting point and are not navigating our journey in darkness. #TheAsperkidsSecretBookofSocialRules10 #Netgalley
Welcome to the 10th anniversary edition of Asperkids Secret Book of Social Rules. Do not be thrown by the term "asperkids". While the term aspergers is not used in the UK for diagnosis at present, the author wrote this book in 2012 and it is he term used when she was diagnosed. She goes on to talk about the various preferences for "name calling" from neurodiverse, neurodivergent, person with autism or aspergers to autistic person. It is all personal. Jennifer herself coined the term "asperkids" when penning this book.
The book acts as her backstory. She grabbed a notebook one day as her friend attempted to explain something and so began her attempt at noting down social rules to help her navigate the every day.
So what does the book consist of?: a long list of 140 social rules that Jennifer picked up along the way, 30 mini chapters about some of these rules where she breaks them down, along with some practical advice and some comic strip to help illustrate.
The easiest way to access this book is to dip innand out as needed. It is word heavy as there is so much advice so not easily read in one or two sittings.. The chapter headings are given in metaphoric form with a cartoon to illustrate the social issue. Metaphors are particularly difficult for my teen son to understand so these didn't make much sense until he read on. That is the idea though - an unintelligible social issue osexplained to make it more accessible. An issues like "sorting mountains from molehills" is broken down into more memorable ways.
I found it best to read this as a parent and teacher of autistic teens and then discuss relevant issues. Eg 178 on "hygiene" came up quickly with a teen boy! There is advice on a wide range of issues: friendship, flirting, school, self advocacy and knowing your strengths, social media, etc. Personally I find a hard copy easier to navigate. My son would pick it up to browse every now and then, whereas he would have to be handed the ebook to remind him it existed. This shiny new edition is due June 2022.
However , like all advice, it will not suit all persons - it doesn't offer definitive answers to each issue. It makes some assumptions too - that the teens are heteronormative when it comes to flirting and dating, and that authority figures can be trusted. We do have to bear in mind that this is a subjective set of rules and experiences being shared and that is why we can dip in and out with the ones that personally apply.
Overall, the author attempts to connect with the reader in a kind and understanding manner. She has navigated her own path through the autism spectrum into adulthood and is passing on her advice with best intentions. Like parent or caregiver to child - advice is given and you choose whether to take it on board before navigating your own path. For my son and I, there are lots of useful tips to glean and a few we can skip over. We are just thankful that people like Jennifer, who have navigated diagnosis have left us with some tips, so that we have a starting point and are not navigating our journey in darkness. #TheAsperkidsSecretBookofSocialRules10 #Netgalley
July 15, 2020
I liked this one. Wish I could remember what drew me to finding and reading it. It was in the young people's section of my library, but many of its suggestions remind me of what you get when you open one of those google selections that come up with your browser on how to be successful at this, that or some other thing.
Sort of an Emily Post of etiquette (nice behavior towards others) for our informal, digital, reality tv driven world -- how to be a decent, socially acceptable human being with a good dose of empathy and willingness to attempt to understand the other people among whom we have to live, work, play. Reminds me of reading Hugh Prather's How to Live in the World and Still Be Happy . Not every "rule" might appear to make sense when reading, but in the real world of people and relationships, it probably does. But use your judgement, which may be different if you start as so-called normal or if you have been told you have some set of characteristics to which a name has been applied, such as "Asperger Syndrome". (So far as I know, I qualify as "normal"?)
Another book did manage to read during Covid self-isolation.
Sort of an Emily Post of etiquette (nice behavior towards others) for our informal, digital, reality tv driven world -- how to be a decent, socially acceptable human being with a good dose of empathy and willingness to attempt to understand the other people among whom we have to live, work, play. Reminds me of reading Hugh Prather's How to Live in the World and Still Be Happy . Not every "rule" might appear to make sense when reading, but in the real world of people and relationships, it probably does. But use your judgement, which may be different if you start as so-called normal or if you have been told you have some set of characteristics to which a name has been applied, such as "Asperger Syndrome". (So far as I know, I qualify as "normal"?)
Another book did manage to read during Covid self-isolation.
February 9, 2022
💙 I just finished reading The Asperkid's Secret Book of Social Rules 10th Anniversary Edition by @jennifercook_author and I can honestly say that I wish I had read it years ago! I have two children on the spectrum and I've watched them struggle to connect with the neurotypical world around them with varying degrees of difficulty. We have read so many books, attended classes, and sought out therapies to demystify autism and help them grow up in a world that is often cruel to any neurodivergent folk. Until now I have not seen any books that were written FOR my kids FROM a fellow autistic person and it was a game changer. The way Jennifer explains all the "rules" is sweet and simple but her personal stories add a depth that drives home the reason behind her advice. My middle schooler loved the illustrations and asked me to print out some of the sticky note tips from the end of the book. I really appreciate the authors transparency with her struggles AND her success. The book constantly reinforces the fact that autistic people are not a monolith and are each unique in their relationships with the world around them. I am thankful to Netgalley for offering this book to review and I will be purchasing a physical copy for my kids.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5 Stars across the board!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 5 Stars across the board!
February 11, 2024
Książka zawiera wiele uproszczeń, co z jednej strony może być zaletą (biorąc pod uwagę poziom skomplikowania relacji społecznych), ale też może być wadą (nie sposób wszystko opisać w uproszczeniu). Autorka opisuje różne zagadnienia stosując uprzedzenia, stereotypy, czy "biases" - szczególnie dało się to zauważyć w zagadnieniach dotyczących randek.
Nie do końca też zgadzam się z tym, że nie powinno się poprawiać osób dorosłych i osób powszechnie uznanych za autorytety - nie są to wyznaczniki nieomylności. Mam wrażenie, że na czytelnika została przerzucona odpowiedzialność za odczucia innych osób (np. to że poczują się urażone albo zawstydzone).
Momentami książka była napisana dosyć "ciężkim" językiem, mam wątpliwości czy nadawałaby się dla dzieci - chyba że miałyby bliską osobę, z którą mogłyby przegadać opisane wątki.
Podobają mi się jednak przykłady z życia autorki, które pozwalają z nią sympatyzować i pomyśleć o niej jako o kimś, kto już przez różne trudności przeszedł (potknął się, wstał, otrzepał i poszedł dalej).
Nie uważam, że czas poświęcony na przeczytanie tej książki był zmarnowany, ale nie wiem też czy będę ją polecać "aspim" - jeśli już to raczej z ostrożnością.
Nie do końca też zgadzam się z tym, że nie powinno się poprawiać osób dorosłych i osób powszechnie uznanych za autorytety - nie są to wyznaczniki nieomylności. Mam wrażenie, że na czytelnika została przerzucona odpowiedzialność za odczucia innych osób (np. to że poczują się urażone albo zawstydzone).
Momentami książka była napisana dosyć "ciężkim" językiem, mam wątpliwości czy nadawałaby się dla dzieci - chyba że miałyby bliską osobę, z którą mogłyby przegadać opisane wątki.
Podobają mi się jednak przykłady z życia autorki, które pozwalają z nią sympatyzować i pomyśleć o niej jako o kimś, kto już przez różne trudności przeszedł (potknął się, wstał, otrzepał i poszedł dalej).
Nie uważam, że czas poświęcony na przeczytanie tej książki był zmarnowany, ale nie wiem też czy będę ją polecać "aspim" - jeśli już to raczej z ostrożnością.
July 4, 2022
Look, I was prepared to absolutely hate this book and rip it apart because ‘asperger’s’ is Out of Vogue, but they actually address it and talk about it (although not Directly, ie, we don’t use Asperger’s anymore because Mr. Asperger was a Nazi, just that it is a Problematic Thing). I really think that if it’s being re-released, they could go with a new title. The author is autistic, which follows “nothing for us without us” (vs Own Voices), which I really really appreciated. This is a great book to pull social advice from; while this book is aimed towards teenagers, I jotted down some useful rules. It’s really presented in a way where it’s like, here is a rule, and now here is a personal story where you can see what I did in this situation and apply it to your own life, or relate to it, etc. Written-down rules for social situations are much easier for me personally to follow, so I thought this was extremely helpful. Four stars; great book, bad title.
July 20, 2022
Clever, well-written, very authentic. The premise is that she's illuminating all of the secret rules that neurotypicals (NTs) follow and that people with Asperger's don't understand (that was the terminology when the book was written. She presents her information in a very heartfelt way and you can tell she genuinely wants other neurodiverse teens and tweens to succeed in life. I wish the solution didn't have to rest entirely on neurodiverse children (bc that is her audience) learning to act in a way that is acceptable to NTs. She does a fair job of pointing out neurodiverse traits that are actually strengths and empowering people on the spectrum, but at the same time there's no discussion of on a broader scale how society also needs to change to accommodate neurodiverse people. However, she seems to have written another book about that subject, which is great, but I wish that were addressed here.
December 6, 2022
We're ruled by emotions and are learning through social construction.
I'm so grateful someone compiled this kind of 'parents-to-kids' advices. It's also useful to common people, even adults!
My favorite parts that kids would need the most:
- "Apologizing doesn't mean someone is a loser. It means the relationship is more important than your ego"
- "Wanting to be excellent is goof. Wanting to improve is great. Wanting to be perfect is arrogant. One mistake does NOT break a friendship"
- "If you're thinking about what you say next, you're NOT listening to what the other person is saying"
-"Being right isn't always the most important, even when it feels that way"
Note: number 1 & 4 were the ones always being told by my father when we're riding.
This book include:
- Wrap up important messages in the beginning
- Each chapter shows the important messages, then dissect it into asperkid point of view and communication style suggestion.
I'm so grateful someone compiled this kind of 'parents-to-kids' advices. It's also useful to common people, even adults!
My favorite parts that kids would need the most:
- "Apologizing doesn't mean someone is a loser. It means the relationship is more important than your ego"
- "Wanting to be excellent is goof. Wanting to improve is great. Wanting to be perfect is arrogant. One mistake does NOT break a friendship"
- "If you're thinking about what you say next, you're NOT listening to what the other person is saying"
-"Being right isn't always the most important, even when it feels that way"
Note: number 1 & 4 were the ones always being told by my father when we're riding.
This book include:
- Wrap up important messages in the beginning
- Each chapter shows the important messages, then dissect it into asperkid point of view and communication style suggestion.
November 23, 2023
"The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules" by Jennifer Cook O'Toole makes for a very interesting read.
While I can't say I agree with all the advices contained in its pages, I find this book to be an amazing resource for autistic children and teens who want to become fluent in "Social-Ease" and learn to minimize the miscommunication with their neurotypical friends and family members.
The only thing that I found truly hard to swallow was the author's enthusiastic praise of the show The Big Bang Theory in general, and of Sheldon's character in particular. That is NOT the kind of media representation that the autistic community needs.
Overall, though, this book is well written, very useful, and at times even laugh-out-loud funny. I honestly wish it had been published years earlier, back when I was the same age as the target audience.
While I can't say I agree with all the advices contained in its pages, I find this book to be an amazing resource for autistic children and teens who want to become fluent in "Social-Ease" and learn to minimize the miscommunication with their neurotypical friends and family members.
The only thing that I found truly hard to swallow was the author's enthusiastic praise of the show The Big Bang Theory in general, and of Sheldon's character in particular. That is NOT the kind of media representation that the autistic community needs.
Overall, though, this book is well written, very useful, and at times even laugh-out-loud funny. I honestly wish it had been published years earlier, back when I was the same age as the target audience.
January 13, 2021
HOLY F*** THIS BOOK WAS AMAZING!! I learned a ton from this, and I'm a 29 year old Aspie who thought she knew everything about the "rules" of the mysterious neurotypicals!!! EVERY SINGLE ASPERKID NEEDS THIS BOOK IN THEIR LIFE!!!! TIME TO PULL OUT MY FAVORITE GIF OF ALL TIME!!!
ARE YOU AN ASPERKID? READ THIS BOOK!
ARE YOU THE PARENT OF AN ASPERKID?? GET THEM THIS BOOK!!
ARE YOU A TEACHER WHO WORKS WITH ASPERKIDS?? GET THIS BOOK FOR YOUR CLASSROOM!!
DO YOU KNOW A PARENT OR A TEACHER OF AN ASPERKID?? BUY THIS BOOK FOR THEM!!
I WISH THIS BOOK HAD EXISTED WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER AND I WANT ALL BABY AUTISTICS TO HAVE THIS BOOK AND THE KNOWLEDGE I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY!!!
ARE YOU AN ASPERKID? READ THIS BOOK!
ARE YOU THE PARENT OF AN ASPERKID?? GET THEM THIS BOOK!!
ARE YOU A TEACHER WHO WORKS WITH ASPERKIDS?? GET THIS BOOK FOR YOUR CLASSROOM!!
DO YOU KNOW A PARENT OR A TEACHER OF AN ASPERKID?? BUY THIS BOOK FOR THEM!!
I WISH THIS BOOK HAD EXISTED WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER AND I WANT ALL BABY AUTISTICS TO HAVE THIS BOOK AND THE KNOWLEDGE I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY!!!
October 7, 2023
Interessant boek, met stukken erin die heel erg de moeite zijn. Het verschil zien tussen vrienden en kennissen, hoe oprecht sorry zeggen werkt etc. Al is het maar omdat “zichtbaar zwaar teleurgesteld zijn over een toets omdat je beter kan terwijl je klasgenoten veel lagere scores haalden komt niet goed over” duidelijker uit te leggen was. De timing was ideaal om topics te bespreken bij het begin van het eerste middelbaar ;)
Sommige stukken waren ergerlijk (het advies “always wear suncream” zorgde ervoor dat zijn gezicht blonk terwijl de zon zich de komende dagen niet ging laten zien, het is heel erg heteronormatief, automatisch blindelings vertrouwen in autoriteitsfiguren voelt niet goed), maar desondanks is het boek echt de moeite waard.
Sommige stukken waren ergerlijk (het advies “always wear suncream” zorgde ervoor dat zijn gezicht blonk terwijl de zon zich de komende dagen niet ging laten zien, het is heel erg heteronormatief, automatisch blindelings vertrouwen in autoriteitsfiguren voelt niet goed), maar desondanks is het boek echt de moeite waard.
December 11, 2019
I recommend this book to people with Asperger’s or those who know someone with it. It helped me understand how to go about interactions with others. I now understand the different levels of friendships, how to respectfully give feedback, and many other social rules that I have, until recently, struggled to pick up on. I believe that people without Asperger’s would benefit from understanding the struggles of someone with Asperger’s. Maybe even gaining an understanding of social rules they use subconsciously.
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