The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive

by Ron L. Deal, Laura Petherbridge

The stepmother's role often is ambiguous and underappreciated, and frequently it carries unrealistic expectations. The book answers women's concerns and questions, including: How can I be a caretaker and a key emotional connector in the family if the children don't accept my influence? How shoud I cope with children who are confused about their family and torn between loyalty to their biological mother and me? When should I step back in conflicts and when should I insist that my husband stand up for me? In addition it addresses the spiritual and emotional climate of the home, providing perspective and guidelines to help stepmothers and their families thrive.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Family, Marriage

308 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2009

Reviews

[Becki · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an encouraging book to read. This book gave me hope. It also gave me something much greater: the freedom to let go, not try so hard to make everyone play nice, and some measure of peace. It is full of practical advice and real-life stepmom's perspectives. The book addresses "yours," "mine," should we have an "ours," adult stepchildren, and more. It really does cover the gamut. Which is nice.
My favorite line: "Without the father's support, trying to parent his kids is like - as one stepmother said - Setting your hair on fire and putting it out with a hammer!"
I knew stepmothering would be hard. It's well known in the family that I was not the ideal stepchild myself. However, some of the challenges that have come my way I did not (nor do I think I could have in a million years) anticipate. I'm glad for resources like this to help me along the road.

[Arijana · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a person dating someone with a child this book was hard for me in the best way. It provided so much revelation, wisdom, truth, and exposure to topics I hadn’t thought about. It gave me an articulation of questions to ask, what to look for, and potential hardship I may face. I appreciate the book was faith based. My heart was often heavy due to my questioning if I am mature enough to navigate marriage into a blended situation. I appreciate the heart and purpose of the authors and am continuing forward in encouragement and truth.

There are certain things I loved about the book like the perspectives. I disliked the areas where it seemed like I have to always grin and bear it. So due to some of that I questioned a lot if I could truly do this because I cannot live a life walking on eggshells.

Step mom life requires a lot of maturity, selflessness, real God given love, and relinquishing control of ALL the things you have no control over. So I will see what the future holds as I read more information and ask the hard questions of myself and my partner.

[Theresa Mary Stem · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book because I was at the end of my rope with my husband’s grown children. While this book clearly has Christian tones, and at times can be overly religious, it still had some good insights. I found myself rolling my eyes at a lot of the references to religion and mostly skipped over those parts. Ironically, the chapter on adult stepchildren was not very helpful and truthfully I found their advice on how to deal with adult children to be tiptoeing around them. This is not helpful because basically they’re adults, they should act that way. But I did come away from this book with a better insight into the stepparent/stepchild relationship. It may not help in my case but it’s helpful to know in general.

[Joella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of ideas as to how to tackle issues--with a christian base. In fact, every chapter had a "prayer" that you could read/pray to have God help you being a stepmom. I liked that there were two chapters for my husband to read (and then us talk about). It was good to have him understand what issues I was feeling (in a nutshell). Each chapter also had discussion quesitons...that could have been useful if I was discussing or talking to people about what I was reading. But since I was reading this on my own I didn't really talk over the questions by myself.

[Charity Craig]

Just what I needed when I was first wading into our new blended family. Some of the practical tips were helpful, but its real value was helping me set my expectations for what being a stepmom was going to be like. I would highly recommend this book to new stepmoms or even someone thinking about committing to a relationship that will make you a step mom.

[Elaine Skinner · Rating 5 out of 5]

My close friend married a man with four children from a previous marriage one month before I married a man with one child from a previous marriage. Both of us were inexperienced dealing with split families as our parents were still together and neither of us had children of our own. She was given a copy of this and immediately went and bought me one after reading only a few chapters. This book was a blessing!!

I found it to be eye opening and very helpful. It gave me things to think about that might never have occurred to me. It even has a detailed chapter dedicated to dealing with the biological mother and in laws. There is also a chapter for the father to read to help him understand the part he will play in forging a relationship between the stepmother and stepchildren. Chapters about blending the stepmothers children and the husbands children, adult step children, children who live with you full time or part time, and things you need to know if the mother has passed and you are marrying a widower, etc... This book will not have all the answers because everyone's situations was different but it will give you a place to start.

My stepson lives with his father and I full time, a topic not covered fully in this book, but I still found it to be extremely helpful! A word of CAUTION: This book is brutally honest and at times while reading it I felt a little discouraged and frightened about what I was taking on. Many stepmothers are quoted in this book saying "If I knew what I was getting into I am not sure I would do it all over again." However, their honesty led to many discussions with my husband and lots of soul searching. Being a stepmother is not for the fainthearted or for those who give up easily.

I highly recommend this book to anyone marrying a man with children.

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Realistic. Practical. Depressing. You will feel a whole slew of emotions when reading this book. The authors provoke thought and give advice on how to be a positive role model, deal with kids/husband and handle communication, holidays etc...

Many items are not issues in my current realtionship with either daughter or dad but it made me feel like in the future, it could be. With the age of my step-daughter I don't see many of the problems of a lonely, hurt child who mourns over her biological parents' divorce. She has been nothing but welcoming and accepting of me but if there ever is an issue, I think I will be better prepared of how to handle it...(though I'm sure the hours of obsessing over imaginary situations where I felt rejected or hurt by her words or actions or my husband's inaction were not healthy, at least I have a sense of how to ask for God's grace and show love even when I do not feel it).

Favorite quote: "Humility lessesn hurts, opens emotions, and creates saftey in relationships because it does not look to satisfy its own interests but those of others. Humility is so powerful that it softens the heart of God....

[Tiffany Cusick-Bristol · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has made me reevaluate my parenting on all levels and provided great insight as well as perspective. It makes me feel better to know other women are going through the same struggles as me and have survived.

[Jamie Morfoot · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably one of the most helpful books I’ve read. There were parts that validated thoughts that I have and helped to normalize some of my feelings I have about my step son, his bio mom, and my husbands relationship with both of them. It helped me to take a step back and without intending to sound harsh “no my role” and not be so hard on myself or my step son. It helped me to remember his perspective and some of my husbands emotions that may lead to certain behaviors and to not take them personally. Not giving 5 stars because I felt at time it got a little faith based heavy. I didn’t find it distracting but I think it could be and also wasn’t necessary in all parts.

[Elizabeth Unrein · Rating 2 out of 5]

At the start of the book, the authors explain that while faith is an important part of their lives, that this book should still be useful for non-Christians. While there are definitely useful takeaways, so much of the advice given is "pray" and "Ask God for help in healing your relationship," which is worthless to non-Christians who want practical advice.

I also agree with many of the Amazon reviews that the book is too negative. While step parenting is surely difficult, couldn't they have found *someone* who had a positive relationship with their stepkids?

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

The things I wanted most to learn about were small sections (was hoping for more). Overall could be very helpful for those who are navigating a dicey relationship with step kids (not why I picked it up though). Loved that it spoke to making the decision to have more biological kids. I’d give it more like a 3.5 but I’ll give it the 4. Liked the questions at the end of each chapter to think deeper about.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I would have read this earlier. I am certainly aware of the many many mistakes I’ve made, but it was nice to know that some of the struggles I’ve experienced are normal. Knowing you’re not alone is comforting. There’s some great advice and tips for stepmoms in many different situations. Highly recommend.

[Chanel Mulbah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t read through the whole book. I just couldn’t get into due to not relating. It mainly spoke of ex-wives which isn’t always the case when becoming a step parent. I was looking for more about boundaries and how to allow husband to take lead. It may have been more helpful before I was married to know this.

[Nyleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't like this book as much as I needed it. It will definitely be a reread; and hopefully some parts of its wisdom will make their way into my soul.

This was my "book I previously abandoned" book for my 2017 Reading Challenge.

[Heidi West · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing! I love the prayers at the end of the chapters along with the questions to help you really reflect and grow. I felt relieved that I am not alone and I really appreciated the raw honesty of the contributors. A must read.

[Susie A. Gertz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful

There is a lot of good in this book. Although I don’t agree with all of it. There is a lot that is helpful. It is hard to find up to date all inclusive step mom and adopted mom into.

[Tae Shepler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to read, lots of raw (very real and somewhat discouraging at times) truth, but it’s real and needed and I appreciated the attempt at helping Stepmoms and blended families walk out a path that can feel somewhat lonely and very hard to navigate at times.

[JaneAnn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to the discerning stepmother who either has a high tolerance for religious/male headship language or would consider those themes features instead of flaws. Overall, I feel encouraged. If you read this, take what's helpful and leave the rest behind.

[Randi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit idealistic in advice.

[Amanda McGarvey · Rating 5 out of 5]

SUPER helpful and encouraging book!!

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very preachy, more culty evangelicalism than actual Stepmon related advice

[Jet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it! just a bit too much of bible stuff sometimes

[Jennifer Brevick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Blended Family Wisdom

Hard, but much needed, read for blended families, specifically stepmoms. For blended families, the sooner you read this, the better.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I have the best blended family situation - my husband is an engaged father to his 11 year old son, his son likes me and my 4 year old daughter, we all get along and my husband is very respectful of me. That being said, there are still a lot of dynamics at work within a blended family that I did not anticipate and I can see how there could be a lot of drama. This book covers many different topics - adult step children, holidays, dealing with his ex wife, and even two chapters for your husband to read. I would recommend this book to any stepmother - but I think the sooner you read this book after you assume the role of "stepmother" in a child's life, the better off you will be. And I especially suggest that someone who is even dating and considering marrying a man with children read this book. It's great to address potential problems before they arise - and to also know what you're getting into.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

They referred to a good amount of biblical passages. That might help some people, if you are into that. I found myself skimming over those sections. There is also questions to ponder with your partner at the end of each chapter. I could see this being helpful too, in case you needed some help communicating your feelings/anxiety, etc. to your partner.

I would recommend this to other step-mamas and leave it nonchalantly in the bathroom so your husband will be tempted to pick it up and give it a quick read too!

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first picked up this book during my engagement to a wonderful man with three teenagers. The first few chapters terrified me. I decided not to read it. When a friend sent me the same book several months into our marriage, I considered it a sign that I should try it again. My experience and perspective had changed. This is an incredibly helpful book for stepmothers. I cannot recommend it enough.

[Erin Caldwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read a LOT of stepparenting books in the last few years, but this was one of the best. I wish I had read this one several years ago. The authors covered a lot of topics not covered in other books, and they seemed more realistic with their suggestions. There was not a lot of self-glorifying storytelling that many stepparenting books seem to be solely written for, either.

[Jen Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are a stepmom or going to be a stepmom.. It's best you read this book because it prepares you. Wished I had read this book before I became one... saves you a lot of heartache. It really describes the many things that I have gone through or are going through right now.. The writer uses godly counsels, too which is why I think this book makes a good handbook for a stepmom.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall, a well written and informative book with excellent advice and suggestions. However, I didn't care for the religious references and what I perceived to be Bible thumping at times.
This assumes the reader is a church attending Christian which may not be the case.
I ignored the religious aspects and got what I wanted out of it.
So I recommend this book with this caveat.

[Marsha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good insight into blended families - VERY helpful in validating some of my own feelings esp. over the last year since my stepson has moved in full-time - also interesting to think about how this applies to my son's stepmother
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