I Am Not Ashamed

by Barbara Payton

One of the great "lost" autobiographies of Hollywood Babylon history, I Am Not Ashamed is the memoir of Barbara Payton, the 1950s film noir star who acted alongside greats like Jimmy Cagney and Gregory Peck – only to be fired by the studios for her wild (and very public) love-life... and ultimately walk the streets of Hollywood as an alcoholic prostitute. But, as she says throughout, she is not ashamed of her life. She achieved rare success in the Hollywood system and went down in an archconservative era, when McCarthy threatened the country’s free speech and Hollywood producers ran terrified of even a whiff of scandal. When Payton's boyfriend, actor Tom Neal, pounded a concussion into his effete romantic rival Franchot Tone, the whole incident went public and made Payton the Hollywood bad girl - too bad, as it turned out, for Warner Brothers to handle. Describing her downfall, Payton also talks about her relationships with Cagney, Sinatra, Peck and other big names. Lost for decades after its original 1963 release, I Am Not Ashamed leapt back into the limelight when Jack Nicholson lent it to Jessica Lange to help her prepare for her part in The Postman Always Rings Twice. Now Holloway House Publications has finally released this classic Hollywood tell-all.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Film, Biography, Autobiography, Biography Memoir, History

233 pages, Paperback

First published November 30, 1962

Reviews

[Matthew Wilder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like a terrifying existential nihilist novel written by an evil, slow nine-year-old.

[flannery · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Talking about things I don't want to talk about..."

I thought the afterward of this book was pretty cold, considering Barbara Payton had a really good attitude even when she hit rock bottom!

[Francesca Penchant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sped through this Hollywood Babylonia about Barbara Payton, a talented actress whose need for self destruction was stronger than her need to act. Payton, through ghost writer Leo Guild, describes her tragic life with such campy relish that it becomes entertaining and funny. Formative moments in Payton's childhood—when she first learned to provide favors to boys, and later men—lead to her ultimate fall into prostitution. If you like this book, I recommend Hedy Lamarr's "Ecstacy and Me," which Guild also ghost wrote.

[Laurie Hoppe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A Goodreader named Matthew Wilder said this was, "Like a terrifying existential nihilist novel written by an evil, slow nine-year-old." Clever of Mr. Wilder, and so true!

I didn't *enjoy* this book. It's a slide into tawdry and crazy with no happy moments and an inevitable, miserable end. And yet, there are moments that are so authentic* they take your breath away. Like Chapter 14. Barbara Payton recounts how she realized her career was on the skids, and the way people treated her, in a manner that is so clear and smart and heartbreaking that you almost wish her saga ended differently.

But here's the thing: she's a staggeringly unlikable woman. Who began life as a staggeringly unlikable girl. She tells of how she seduced the local postmaster/playwright for a part in the school play. How she wanted a classmate (fat and ugly, nicknamed "Bouncy") to ask for a kiss "humbly, frankly, pleadingly." How she eagerly had sex with her best friend's dad in the bathtub during a neighborhood get together. And by this point, she hasn't yet arrived in LaLaLand.

For Barbara it seems all human relationships were transactional. There's little here about her son. There's nothing in here about caring about her craft. (Though at one point she does support herself as a drama coach.) Love? Please!

She was a damaged woman who hurt others, but no more than she hurt herself. This is a sad and sorry spectacle about pain and sin with little hope or redemption. It's readable, for sure, but it's not uplifting. Approach with caution!

*As opposed to true. In Chapter 9, Barbara describes "one of the town's most beautiful actresses, happily married with children, [who] had the lead in a big epic." Barbara got a part in the epic by bedding the woman. I checked Barbara Payton's filmography. She never made an epic with a married actress with children. There are two actresses it MIGHT have been, but they weren't yet married mothers when they worked with Barbara.

So, was she lying? Fantasizing? Were her timelines confused by wine? It's that kind of book.

[And Luk · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I ever read. Poignant. For fans of Hollywood Babylon and the Black Dahlia.

[Catherine Goodrich]

hoping and predicting this gets a larger release in the coming years— a great party girl book from a party girl who had to eat the party girl shit in ways her more contemporary counterparts weren’t asked to. loved that this was written in the hollywood gossip style that Barbara revered and was simultaneously so smited by. Really glad I was recommended this by an El Barrio coworker and the Eve Babitz of Birmingham. Quiznos661 if you’re reading this, you rule

[Amy Gentry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Now THAT'S a book to snap you out of a reading funk. Holy shit. Devastating, funny, intelligent, unbearably sad, and always, always, always entertaining.

Clear yourself a morning for this one because you won't be able to put it down until the ride is over.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Even in Barbara's darkest times she seems to have an optimistic view of her life and the future.

[RachelHeath123aol.Com · Rating 2 out of 5]

Poor Barbara Payton was "out of it" when she collaborated with Leo Guild on this book. The title should be seen ironically as she appears not only ashamed but terribly confused about how her life turned out. It is to some extent worthwhile for a glimpse into the life and mind of this doomed actress but, despite the early claims, much of the information is just plain wrong. John O'Dowd's well-researched "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye" is a FAR better and more believable account of Barbara Payton's singularly dramatic story.

[Dana Jerman · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolute ripper. No wonder this is Spurl Editions all time best seller. Fast, sassy and satisfying.
Barbara has all the power and wit of a knife on fire. This is vintage Hollywood scandal in beast mode and a must if you have also enjoyed books like The Happy Hooker and Girlvert.
♥️🔥♥️

[Allie Pisarro-Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gossipy pleasure!

[Moe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the most enjoyable books I've ever read about 90% of the way through, then it became one of the most heartbreaking.

[Ramsey K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enthralling, I couldn’t put it down!

[Matthew Knott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb. A raw, funny, gossipy, tragic tale of fame, sex and poverty.

[Maryam · Rating 3 out of 5]

*3.5*

[L · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t put this book down, it was so damn salacious and shocking. Affairs, lesbian escapades, sex work, drug use, alcohol abuse, sexual assault, scandals. The language was sometimes outdated but context is important. Barbara Payton had one of the most epic falls from grace of all time. A stark reminder that Hollywood is one big casting couch and always has been. This book would have the yacht girl obsessed tik tokers shaking in their boots. I am not ashamed is a lowkey feminist tale about pretty privilege and the horrors of losing it. Barbara says several times throughout the book that she was preyed upon because of her body. Only to be chewed up and spat out by the same people that once idolised her. I really admire her attitude and reflections on how much she hated the industry. From working with Frank Sinatra to servicing men for $5 and handing the money over to a pimp. Do I care if it was ghost written by someone trying to squeeze out details from an alcoholic heroin Addict living in squalor? Not really. I just feel blessed to know her story, if anything so we don’t forget her like everyone else did

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

"the shrinks always told me I had the compulsive urge to see myself destroyed... that in the end it would be my final pleasure. They told me what was wrong but not what to do about it. And I didnt know it would be a slow process of degeneration. I thought I'd drive into a train going a hundred miles per hour and I'd be D.O.A."

[Kai Perrignon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Barbara Payton was the original Tucker Max

[George Tsalamandris · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is titled 'I am not ashamed' and the obvious question is 'why the hell not?'
Though written by a ghost writer the story is so honest and heartfelt it is doubtful that Barbara could have written it down any better.

Like all biographies the reader can't help but try and work out what could or should have been done better in that person's life. In Barbara's case the reader could write a list as long as an arm. How could someone from so high hit the bottom so hard, without seemingly so much as a slight pause on the way down?

It seems to me she has a sort of complex for people who find themselves in bad positions. The down-trodden, the used, the abused. Story after story she takes up the torch to the side who is weaker. I thought maybe it started for her with the story of the fat little school boy who tried to grope her and she found out a day or so later that he died (but there are references to her complex even before that event). She felt regret in not allowing him to touch her breast, at least he would have had a fond memory before he died (she thought). Stories like the affair with the landlord because he was married to such a miserable wife. The affair with the artist because he lost his genitals in an accident. The stories go on and on, all with the same thread in each story. Barbara feels sorry for the down-trodden. From there it manifests into admitting 'she prefers black men' and later runs away to Mexico to be with them. Cultures known to be at the bottom of the socio-economic pile at that time. Throughout all this, she overlooks her own opportunities to set herself up to live her life in a comfortable position

What she so desperately wanted her psychiatrist to tell her was 'she fears death and with it oblivion, once your dead - that's it. Life is short, make those around you happy, especially the down-beaten - regret nothing.' Thus the naming of her book.

Her almost total naivety about money is highlighted and it's emphasised in another book altogether; where a friend of Marlon Brando's says he rented a bungalow off Barbara Payton who charged him $40 a month, he admits 'it was worth a whole lot more'. He also confirms her preference to 'black-men' showing up at all hours and that ultimately she was kicked out of the place for not paying rent, meaning he had to leave too. He would have paid her more if she had asked him.

There are almost no references in the book to any female friends, even her mother bearly gets a mention, while she describes her father well enough, though briefly. Odd her writing about her life, yet hardly talking about any of her close friends (they can't all have been male). It was a man's world at the time, which may have had something to do with it. Though from the beginning there is a sense of her being lonely, we never hear of close friends or pals for life.

It leads to a miserable ending of prostitution, being owned by a pimp and in a state of slowing dying. The book tries to end upbeat, but the reader will not be shocked to know that three years after the book was written Barbara was found dead, back at home with her parents, she died in her mother's arms.

[Tosh · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I Am Not Ashamed" is superb. Movie siren, Barbara Payton's memoir, is incredible on many levels. It's the iconic rise and fall of a Hollywood actress who slept to the top and back to the bottom. A remarkable story in itself, but what makes this book fantastic is Payton's character. I find her utterly likable. This is a classic told to a reporter narrative, and what is unique is her ability to tell her tale without regret or moralistic touches. She's very much a woman of her time and place, Hollywood. Never bitter, Payton has a knack for understanding herself under troublesome circumstances. Fans of Dark or Hollywood Noir will love this book. I know it was written as a 'shocking' warning to young actress everywhere but in truth, there is something more to it than a finger wagging towards the reader. I find it to be very pro-life, pro-living, and pro-sexual. Her death is tragic and so's her life, yet, the heroic aspect is that Payton's clear-eyed view of the games people play and understanding the game being played. I have never seen her films, but by reading this book, I consider myself a fan of Barbara Payton.

[Ruth Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t remember the last time I was able to sit and devour an entire book in a day but today was one of those perfect moments when I did. I didn’t know about Barbara Payton before I picked up this book in NY; my initial attraction to it was the title ‘I Am Not Ashamed’ which, almost profoundly, resonated with me. It is one of the most heart-wrenching stories I have ever read, saddened even more deeply by the fact that it’s true. She is so easy to relate to, her demons surrounding men, and the power she realised she had over them that ultimately lead to her demise struck a chord from a frighteningly familiar songbook. Her eloquence, intelligence and often manipulative wit manage to shine through even when she realises her physical worth is no longer deemed of any value and her days are at their darkest. She deserves to be remembered. I totally sobbed my way through the last 50 pages, and, you know what? I am not ashamed either.

[Luann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating but somewhat icky view of old Hollywood and this woman's life. She gives a very subjective view of her odd rein as movie queen and her downfall. Still, it's an interesting perspective but you just feel sort of like taking a shower afterward. It makes you wonder if all of your favorite actors and actresses from that period were perverts and slimeballs.

Anyway, it's somewhat interesting and although she is not ashamed, maybe she should have been.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh my goodness, this book is bananas. I first heard of Payton through You Must Remember This (www.youmustrememberthispodcast.com/ep...), which is a good companion piece to the book. This is a juicy sort of Hollywood Babylon book, both sad and fascinating.

[Joel Manuel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know how much of this is true, but it's a damn good read. I'd only known of Payton from "Bride of the Gorilla" and "Four-Sided Triangle." I wish I knew the real identities of some of the celebs she gave pseudonyms to in the book.

[Rain · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a mess, but then again, so was Barbara Payton, so it's fitting that it comes off as the ramblings of a drunk you might meet at a dive bar, skipping ahead and falling back in time and starting a new story before ending a previous one, all while swaying precariously on their bar stool.

[Supna Kapoor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking and jaw-dropping. A story of pretty privilege but also the burden of being a woman. Being both a femme fatale and sexual object. Hard to parse out what was memory and what was myth but maybe that was the point?

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Of all the books written by Whores that I have read this is the only one I can reccomend. I was honestly shocked by some of Ms. Payton's confessions.

[Lisa deGraffenried · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really interesting story!

[Eden Thompson · Rating 4 out of 5]

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for over 900 book reviews in all genres

Barbara Peyton is one of Hollywood's most tragic stories: a beauty who rose to fame at 24, then dove headlong into alcoholism, prostitution, and mental illness. I Am Not Ashamed is her autobiography, 'as told to' Leo Gould in 1967. Gould taped loose conversations, but it is thought he wrote what he wanted.

Pregnant at 17, she left her first husband to model and dance in Hollywood nightclubs, determined to get into pictures. Dubbed the Queen of the Clubs at 21, she partied with friends Ava Gardner and Lana Turner, and went out with every male star in town on 'publicity' dates. A Universal Studios contract put her on top, earning $10,000 a week and in demand. She met actor Tom Neal on a picture and fell crazy in love. She also met suave Franchot Tone, 20 years her senior, and they became engaged. When the jealousy of the two men boiled over, the fight left Tone in the hospital, Payton with a black eye, and headlines around the world. She married Tone but continued seeing Neal. (She was married five times but barely mentions them.)
She was making $100,000 a picture co-starring with Lloyd Bridges, James Cagney, and Gregory Peck, with cheering fans and the world's most handsome men on her arm. Dating producers and moneymen for roles was the game (always omitting names). She used them for what she wanted. She had a lot of energy and left them wanting seconds.

Focusing on her relationships with Tone and Neal, and the many men who craved her (she was Bob Hope's mistress), this is too philosophical to be her own words, reflecting on a looks-based culture yet wise to it all, often calling people out.
Alcoholism struck hard, and by 1954 the only job she could get was the B-film Bride of the Gorilla, and her final film Murder Is My Beat (I think is her best performance).
Her career was over at 27.
Earning nearly a million dollars, her wanton spending left her destitute, and she was charged in 1955 with passing bad checks for liquor. Reduced to handouts from men in exchange for a night out, the habit became her way of life, once selling herself for $500, then even $40 or $20, and sometimes drunk enough to forget to be paid at all. She thought it all a joke. "Not that I'm ashamed. I did what I had to do. But how did I fall so low? How?"
Found beaten and homeless, Barbara Payton died at age 39 the year this was published.

There are better biographies of Barbara Payton, but however loosely this was based on her own words, there is the feeling of her talking directly to you. Not comprehensive, yet an essential part of her story.

[Rex Hurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

My grandmother would have referred to Barbara Payton as a "brazen hussy" and she would not have been incorrect. Barbara Payton was a Hollywood starlet sucked into the studio system at the age of 17 and spat out at 24 - more or less. It chronicles, in a haphazard fashion, her start in the film industry and her inevitable collapse. To call her a sexpot is putting it mildly. She seemed to compulsively sleep any man within reach, eventually earning a living from it.

I have to stress that this is an autobiography; ghostwritten by Leo Guild, a tabloid journalist; but dictated by a woman who was at the time was a severe alcoholic and working as a prostitute. As such, she is the definition of the unreliable narrator. But it is interesting to see the world through her eyes, or at least her justification for how she turned out. To her credit, she never blames anyone else for her own choices.

She got her position because she was strikingly attractive, not due to talent. Her career is magnified in her mind, so it is also magnified in the book to be bigger than it was. If you look at her filmography don't be surprised if you've never heard of any of these films. They were mostly of the B-movie variety. It is also telling that she has almost no stories to tell of the sets, but focuses mainly on her sexual escapades and failed marriages.

Along with the original volume, an article by Leo Guild is included where he reflects on his time with Barbara after her death from organ failure. Plus a timeline of known events in the actress's life, which includes several incidents and people she conveniently leaves out of the book, or uses a pseudonym for.

There is a lot more going on with Barbara Payton than she understands, or perhaps even is aware of. She seemed driven to a life of substance abuse and prostitution, and seemed to secretly harbor a death wish. She was given many parachutes over the years, but through them all away. This book never mentions this, but her self-destructive behavior indicates some abuse in her childhood, perhaps of the sexual variety. But it is obvious sex, like the drugs and alcohol, was a compulsion for her, rather than a joyful experience.

This is a tragic story and well worth a look. But remember it is vintage sleaze masquerading as a cautionary tale. It was printed solely to offer the reader a look at the forbidden, so caveat emptor.