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What Your Husband Isn't Telling You: A Guided Tour of a Man's Body, Soul, and Spirit
Bestselling Author Offers Women New Insights into the Confusing Inner World of MenIt's the rare woman who isn't perplexed by her husband. What's going on inside his man-brain? What secrets is he keeping? What is he afraid of? Why is he so obsessed with (fill-in-the-blank)? Why do men see things so differently? And what about his spiritual life (or lack of it)?David Murrow leads women on a groundbreaking tour of a man's heart, mind, and soul. More than just a book about what men think, it explores the deep forces that determine what they say, do, and believe--secrets most men do not give voice to. Readers will be surprised, fascinated, and encouraged by what they find.
210 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 2012
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513 people want to read
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October 26, 2012
This book for the most part, left a bad taste in my mouth. While some (and I'm being generous here) good points are made, others made me cringe for the author’s wife. While I hand it to him for being completely honest and open, I did have to wonder about the “What Men are Visual” Means chapter.
I did agree with the author’s statements that no other generation has ever had to deal with as much sexual temptation in so many different forms.
I do not agree with his statement that “men always look at women, they always pick out a favorite.” He says of himself, “I may not always pursue, but I always look.” Obviously, the author hasn’t read “Every Man’s Battle” and learned to bounce his eyes, as Steve Arterburn suggests. I kept thinking "his poor wife" as I read some of his comments and confessions, which came off a bit arrogant.
The entire book isn’t about men and sex per say, but deals with how women need to be able to really hear what their husbands are trying to tell them. The author talks about showing your husband respect, even when he doesn’t deserve it.
I have very mixed emotions about this book and wouldn’t recommend it, when there are so many other great resources out there.
I would more likely recommend “Building an Emotionally Healthy Marriage” by Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today, if you want to understand how to relate to your husband better.
Disclosure of Material Connection:
I received this book free from Bethany House Publishers. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
I did agree with the author’s statements that no other generation has ever had to deal with as much sexual temptation in so many different forms.
I do not agree with his statement that “men always look at women, they always pick out a favorite.” He says of himself, “I may not always pursue, but I always look.” Obviously, the author hasn’t read “Every Man’s Battle” and learned to bounce his eyes, as Steve Arterburn suggests. I kept thinking "his poor wife" as I read some of his comments and confessions, which came off a bit arrogant.
The entire book isn’t about men and sex per say, but deals with how women need to be able to really hear what their husbands are trying to tell them. The author talks about showing your husband respect, even when he doesn’t deserve it.
I have very mixed emotions about this book and wouldn’t recommend it, when there are so many other great resources out there.
I would more likely recommend “Building an Emotionally Healthy Marriage” by Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today, if you want to understand how to relate to your husband better.
Disclosure of Material Connection:
I received this book free from Bethany House Publishers. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
August 18, 2019
Edit 2019: Here's a great blog article as well by Bob Edwards, who on Facebook calls it "a truly disturbing book" that makes him feel "'soul-sick.' I just can't read it without feeling like something inside me is being poisoned": https://equalityinchrist.wordpress.co...
Edited to add: After mulling it over some more, I think the worst thing about this book is that it labels selfish, arrogant, unkind attitudes as perfectly fine and normal. It's a self-centred secular book pretending to be a Christian one, and all this bad doctrine is really dangerous! A Christian marriage should be one of self-sacrifice by both partners and mutual love and respect, not made of petty duties that a wife has to fulfil or her husband might cheat or leave. :( God has in store for us a far more beautiful, amazing love, and we don't have to settle for less.
-----
Original review:
I recommend the first 9 chapters of this book to anyone who wants to learn about how men's role in society has changed over the last 200 years or so and the different pressures and stresses that they face, as well as some information about how they relate to women and their needs regarding their wives. David Murrow uses clear, concise, well-organized writing and a fun, conversational tone that keeps his material interesting to read, and he cites different interesting studies. Thumbs up, the first half of the book could be 4 stars if you squint and try to ignore his lack of education about sexism and male privilege. (Only comes up a few times.)
HOWEVER, halfway through the book, it takes a major turn for the worse.
Murrow switches from his confidential, speaking-to-you-frankly-as-a-friend tone to the tone of an angry blogger or someone grumping to a crowd on a soapbox. Suddenly he's airing grievances and railing against what he perceives in society as sexism against men and preference for women. For instance, in Chapter 10 (the point you should definitely stop reading at) he says,
Masculine ways of childrearing are "out" while feminine ones are "in":
What's "out"
Spanking
Keeping Score
"You failed"
Self-discipline
Free play
"You're not hurt, get up and play"
Independent young adults
Winners and losers
What's "in"
Verbal discipline
Everyone gets a trophy
"Nice try!"
Self-esteem
Playdates
"Oh, you poor baby!"
Helicopter parenting
"Everyone's special!"
I see this list as problematic in several ways! But he doesn't elaborate specifically on it. He just goes on to tell an anecdote where he and another man share an exasperated look judging the behavior of the other man's wife for trying to stop their toddlers from having "a tussle" and concludes that "fathers tend to see the bigger picture. Men understand that conflict is inevitable in life, and the playground is a great place for kids to learn the art of negotiation." By the way, the people he's talking about in this story are complete strangers to him. He doesn't know anything about their family or any of several reasons why the mom might have thought it wise to step in.
If you still think this book is good, I'll just take some quotations out of context regarding the wife's duty to her husband:
-Regarding cooking: "one of the main reasons he married you is because he was getting really tired of ramen noodles and Domino's Pizza." I read this aloud to my husband and he facepalmed and said, "That's just insulting to everyone! That shouldn't even be in your top 10 reasons for marrying your wife!" Murrow continues, "See it as a high calling to provide healthy sustenance to your loved ones." He offers some ideas to make it easier for you the wife, but then he admits that he doesn't do any of this so I'm not sure why he thinks he can see some solutions that you haven't thought about: "Cook ahead and freeze food. Assemble ingredients and assign your teens to prepare the recipe. Healthy leftovers are great. [...] I am so happy that I don't have to worry about food--my wife takes care of that in our family. I'm a busy guy with two different careers--writing, and my day job. I love the fact that I can depend on her to make delicious, healthy food for me, so I can keep working. I want to be Provider, not Preparer." My husband exclaimed, "He's such a caveman!" (Murrow's point is often about how men still act like their ancient ancestors, so the author himself would agree with my husband's statement, but perhaps not in the way my husband meant it.)
-Regarding your looks, he says that your husband needs you to look good, because "Men compare. Men compete. Men size each other up by their spouses. When men arrive at a party, they scan the room looking at the various wives. And the man with the best-looking wife wins. All the other men secretly envy the man who's married to the goddess. What a stud, they think to themselves. They might even wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. (Sorry, we hate this about ourselves but Provider just won't shut up! [i.e. we can't help how our brains are wired])" I read this to my husband and asked him what he'd thought of the beautiful girls and wives at the party we had attended a few hours ago, but he said he hadn't given it any thought whatsoever, and it didn't matter anyway because I would always be the most beautiful to him. Thanks dear :) Anyways, Murrow goes on: "would it hurt to put on a nice blouse? A woman who dresses shabbily around her husband is sending him a dangerous message: If you want to see a beautiful woman, look elsewhere." So if he has an affair, it's your fault for not looking pretty enough! Nice.
-Also, don't get fat, because "No guy wants an unappealing wife." Then he complains that men aren't allowed to complain about their wives being unappealing: "We even feel guilty for becoming sad when our wives get chunky. But we could never mention our frustration to our pastors or Christian friends, because we're expected to love our wives unconditionally. To admit our beloveds' burgeoning waistlines bother us seems carnal and unspiritual." Um, maybe because it IS carnal and unspiritual, but most of this book is Murrow attempting to justify and defend his carnal and unspiritual feelings. However, he has said previously that women's expectations of their husbands are too high, so the guys get a pass on things like this.
-Regarding sex: If you "consistently" aren't interested in having sex, "What message are you sending him? Get your ya-yas somewhere else, buddy. Months later you're shocked to find your husband engaged in masturbation, porn, or an extramarital affair."
-"Lovemaking is like magic pixie dust for your husband's soul." I was reading this chapter aloud to my husband and at this point he exclaimed, "NO! No no no no!" Murrow goes on with completely un-Biblical advice labeled as gospel truth: "God's rule for married sex: If your husband likes it, and you like it, then it's okay. Anything goes. Let me say it again: As long as it pleases both of you, anything goes. [...] My wife and I enjoy a great sex life after twenty-eight years because we've tried a lot of things." He advises, "Take him aside and whisper into his ear, 'Honey, I'm desperate for you. Will you please make love to me tonight?' Lay it on thick. Give him 'the look' during dinner. There's no greater gift you can give him." My husband said, "No greater gift? Really?" He sighed, then said, "I'm starting to get really bummed about Christian relationship books." "You and me both," I agreed.
This book justifies bad attitudes that men tend to have in society. Since the book purports to be just a "diagnostic," because it avoids passing judgment, it actually legitimizes bad attitudes and insensitivity on the part of men. This worries me when I think of the young man who lent me the book who felt that it explained his own feelings and attitudes--yes, it explained them, and said that they are normal and right and fine, and that women should deal with them, when in fact some of these attitudes are poor, immature attitudes that men tend to have that should not be justified but should be grown out of in adulthood.
In any case, this book has really helped me appreciate my own husband more because of the ways that he is NOT like the "typical man" portrayed in this book. For instance, he denied that when in a group of people, he picks out a favorite best-looking woman (apparently the author thinks every guy does this) and he has never semi-stalked a woman in a supermarket before (also touted as normal). My husband offers to hold my purse all the time without a second thought or even a twinge of anxiety, and when I read him the paragraphs about how the author would never hold his wife's purse, he saw the same sexism against women that I did. (Murrow says that women don't understand why men avoid appearing feminine because women are allowed to like masculine things and men aren't allowed to like feminine things. He acts as though this is sexist against men, when in fact it's sexist against women--that feminine things are shamed and put down in society, and for a man to have any "feminine" qualities is some kind of ultimate insult.) In fact, my husband is amazing at understanding male privilege and the ways the sexes are still unequal, partly due to university education on the topic. He also communicates with me so deeply, sharing his dreams and concerns and fears, which this book says that men very rarely ever do.
My husband has so many beautiful attitudes toward me--such amazing love and kindness and a servant heart--that it's so easy to respond back in kind and want to serve him with all I have as well. But instead of this two-way love, Murrow focuses only on the woman's duty to her husband, and the omission of the man's responsibilities toward his wife--so sadly common in Christian relationship books!--makes it seem like the man's problems are all the woman's fault and/or can be fixed if the woman just treats her husband better.
Edited to add: After mulling it over some more, I think the worst thing about this book is that it labels selfish, arrogant, unkind attitudes as perfectly fine and normal. It's a self-centred secular book pretending to be a Christian one, and all this bad doctrine is really dangerous! A Christian marriage should be one of self-sacrifice by both partners and mutual love and respect, not made of petty duties that a wife has to fulfil or her husband might cheat or leave. :( God has in store for us a far more beautiful, amazing love, and we don't have to settle for less.
-----
Original review:
I recommend the first 9 chapters of this book to anyone who wants to learn about how men's role in society has changed over the last 200 years or so and the different pressures and stresses that they face, as well as some information about how they relate to women and their needs regarding their wives. David Murrow uses clear, concise, well-organized writing and a fun, conversational tone that keeps his material interesting to read, and he cites different interesting studies. Thumbs up, the first half of the book could be 4 stars if you squint and try to ignore his lack of education about sexism and male privilege. (Only comes up a few times.)
HOWEVER, halfway through the book, it takes a major turn for the worse.
Murrow switches from his confidential, speaking-to-you-frankly-as-a-friend tone to the tone of an angry blogger or someone grumping to a crowd on a soapbox. Suddenly he's airing grievances and railing against what he perceives in society as sexism against men and preference for women. For instance, in Chapter 10 (the point you should definitely stop reading at) he says,
Masculine ways of childrearing are "out" while feminine ones are "in":
What's "out"
Spanking
Keeping Score
"You failed"
Self-discipline
Free play
"You're not hurt, get up and play"
Independent young adults
Winners and losers
What's "in"
Verbal discipline
Everyone gets a trophy
"Nice try!"
Self-esteem
Playdates
"Oh, you poor baby!"
Helicopter parenting
"Everyone's special!"
I see this list as problematic in several ways! But he doesn't elaborate specifically on it. He just goes on to tell an anecdote where he and another man share an exasperated look judging the behavior of the other man's wife for trying to stop their toddlers from having "a tussle" and concludes that "fathers tend to see the bigger picture. Men understand that conflict is inevitable in life, and the playground is a great place for kids to learn the art of negotiation." By the way, the people he's talking about in this story are complete strangers to him. He doesn't know anything about their family or any of several reasons why the mom might have thought it wise to step in.
If you still think this book is good, I'll just take some quotations out of context regarding the wife's duty to her husband:
-Regarding cooking: "one of the main reasons he married you is because he was getting really tired of ramen noodles and Domino's Pizza." I read this aloud to my husband and he facepalmed and said, "That's just insulting to everyone! That shouldn't even be in your top 10 reasons for marrying your wife!" Murrow continues, "See it as a high calling to provide healthy sustenance to your loved ones." He offers some ideas to make it easier for you the wife, but then he admits that he doesn't do any of this so I'm not sure why he thinks he can see some solutions that you haven't thought about: "Cook ahead and freeze food. Assemble ingredients and assign your teens to prepare the recipe. Healthy leftovers are great. [...] I am so happy that I don't have to worry about food--my wife takes care of that in our family. I'm a busy guy with two different careers--writing, and my day job. I love the fact that I can depend on her to make delicious, healthy food for me, so I can keep working. I want to be Provider, not Preparer." My husband exclaimed, "He's such a caveman!" (Murrow's point is often about how men still act like their ancient ancestors, so the author himself would agree with my husband's statement, but perhaps not in the way my husband meant it.)
-Regarding your looks, he says that your husband needs you to look good, because "Men compare. Men compete. Men size each other up by their spouses. When men arrive at a party, they scan the room looking at the various wives. And the man with the best-looking wife wins. All the other men secretly envy the man who's married to the goddess. What a stud, they think to themselves. They might even wonder what it would be like to have sex with her. (Sorry, we hate this about ourselves but Provider just won't shut up! [i.e. we can't help how our brains are wired])" I read this to my husband and asked him what he'd thought of the beautiful girls and wives at the party we had attended a few hours ago, but he said he hadn't given it any thought whatsoever, and it didn't matter anyway because I would always be the most beautiful to him. Thanks dear :) Anyways, Murrow goes on: "would it hurt to put on a nice blouse? A woman who dresses shabbily around her husband is sending him a dangerous message: If you want to see a beautiful woman, look elsewhere." So if he has an affair, it's your fault for not looking pretty enough! Nice.
-Also, don't get fat, because "No guy wants an unappealing wife." Then he complains that men aren't allowed to complain about their wives being unappealing: "We even feel guilty for becoming sad when our wives get chunky. But we could never mention our frustration to our pastors or Christian friends, because we're expected to love our wives unconditionally. To admit our beloveds' burgeoning waistlines bother us seems carnal and unspiritual." Um, maybe because it IS carnal and unspiritual, but most of this book is Murrow attempting to justify and defend his carnal and unspiritual feelings. However, he has said previously that women's expectations of their husbands are too high, so the guys get a pass on things like this.
-Regarding sex: If you "consistently" aren't interested in having sex, "What message are you sending him? Get your ya-yas somewhere else, buddy. Months later you're shocked to find your husband engaged in masturbation, porn, or an extramarital affair."
-"Lovemaking is like magic pixie dust for your husband's soul." I was reading this chapter aloud to my husband and at this point he exclaimed, "NO! No no no no!" Murrow goes on with completely un-Biblical advice labeled as gospel truth: "God's rule for married sex: If your husband likes it, and you like it, then it's okay. Anything goes. Let me say it again: As long as it pleases both of you, anything goes. [...] My wife and I enjoy a great sex life after twenty-eight years because we've tried a lot of things." He advises, "Take him aside and whisper into his ear, 'Honey, I'm desperate for you. Will you please make love to me tonight?' Lay it on thick. Give him 'the look' during dinner. There's no greater gift you can give him." My husband said, "No greater gift? Really?" He sighed, then said, "I'm starting to get really bummed about Christian relationship books." "You and me both," I agreed.
This book justifies bad attitudes that men tend to have in society. Since the book purports to be just a "diagnostic," because it avoids passing judgment, it actually legitimizes bad attitudes and insensitivity on the part of men. This worries me when I think of the young man who lent me the book who felt that it explained his own feelings and attitudes--yes, it explained them, and said that they are normal and right and fine, and that women should deal with them, when in fact some of these attitudes are poor, immature attitudes that men tend to have that should not be justified but should be grown out of in adulthood.
In any case, this book has really helped me appreciate my own husband more because of the ways that he is NOT like the "typical man" portrayed in this book. For instance, he denied that when in a group of people, he picks out a favorite best-looking woman (apparently the author thinks every guy does this) and he has never semi-stalked a woman in a supermarket before (also touted as normal). My husband offers to hold my purse all the time without a second thought or even a twinge of anxiety, and when I read him the paragraphs about how the author would never hold his wife's purse, he saw the same sexism against women that I did. (Murrow says that women don't understand why men avoid appearing feminine because women are allowed to like masculine things and men aren't allowed to like feminine things. He acts as though this is sexist against men, when in fact it's sexist against women--that feminine things are shamed and put down in society, and for a man to have any "feminine" qualities is some kind of ultimate insult.) In fact, my husband is amazing at understanding male privilege and the ways the sexes are still unequal, partly due to university education on the topic. He also communicates with me so deeply, sharing his dreams and concerns and fears, which this book says that men very rarely ever do.
My husband has so many beautiful attitudes toward me--such amazing love and kindness and a servant heart--that it's so easy to respond back in kind and want to serve him with all I have as well. But instead of this two-way love, Murrow focuses only on the woman's duty to her husband, and the omission of the man's responsibilities toward his wife--so sadly common in Christian relationship books!--makes it seem like the man's problems are all the woman's fault and/or can be fixed if the woman just treats her husband better.
March 27, 2019
2 stars!
Before reading this book, I had no idea how Christian it was. It was recommended to me by a very spiritual Christian person, but they know that I am not like that, so I thought I'd give it a try thinking that it might work for me. NO. Oh my goodness, it was so preachy and church-y. I can't believe I finished this book or that my eyes are still working, because I couldn't stop eye-rolling while reading this novel. On several occasions, I found myself disagreeing with him about different things and feeling very sorry for his wife and kids who have to deal with him on a daily basis.
It was a pretty easy book to read, but a lot of it was very cringe-worthy, like when David spoke from the POV of Provider or Protector, I hated that more than anything. I also hated that in EVERY single chapter, he mentioned that men just constantly wanted to have sex ONLY to impregnate women. Not every women can, or wants to be, pregnant. Not every man wants to have kids and have a family as well, even if he is married. It's really not the only reason that people have intercourse. That's why contraception was invented. Now I know that not every single assumption that the author makes applies to all men. I found myself seeing my husband throughout some sections and then thinking he did not apply to several different sections.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is all from Mr. Murrow's point of view, which I can not relate to coming from a very feminist family and background.
Is it a book that I would run out and recommend to all of my married friends who are wanting to strengthen their relationship? Absolutely not. If that's what you are looking for, then I would highly recommend reading a book from an actual doctor, marriage specialist, or counselor who is actually trained to give marriage advice.
Before reading this book, I had no idea how Christian it was. It was recommended to me by a very spiritual Christian person, but they know that I am not like that, so I thought I'd give it a try thinking that it might work for me. NO. Oh my goodness, it was so preachy and church-y. I can't believe I finished this book or that my eyes are still working, because I couldn't stop eye-rolling while reading this novel. On several occasions, I found myself disagreeing with him about different things and feeling very sorry for his wife and kids who have to deal with him on a daily basis.
It was a pretty easy book to read, but a lot of it was very cringe-worthy, like when David spoke from the POV of Provider or Protector, I hated that more than anything. I also hated that in EVERY single chapter, he mentioned that men just constantly wanted to have sex ONLY to impregnate women. Not every women can, or wants to be, pregnant. Not every man wants to have kids and have a family as well, even if he is married. It's really not the only reason that people have intercourse. That's why contraception was invented. Now I know that not every single assumption that the author makes applies to all men. I found myself seeing my husband throughout some sections and then thinking he did not apply to several different sections.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that this is all from Mr. Murrow's point of view, which I can not relate to coming from a very feminist family and background.
Is it a book that I would run out and recommend to all of my married friends who are wanting to strengthen their relationship? Absolutely not. If that's what you are looking for, then I would highly recommend reading a book from an actual doctor, marriage specialist, or counselor who is actually trained to give marriage advice.
January 11, 2020
Good insights.
October 19, 2013
This book was provided to me for free in exchange of an honest review. I am not being paid for my review and all opinions expressed in this review are my own.
When I first received this book, I picked it up right away and started reading but I couldn't get into it right off because there were so many other books I wanted to read. Recently, I decided to try the idea of reading several different books at once so that I could read some of the things on the list. This one was near the top and this time when I started reading, I breezed through this book. Most of the other books I was reading, I would do a chapter or two at a time, even the fiction books. With this one, however, I found myself reading as many as five or six chapters in one setting which was surprising.
I have read a couple of books like this in premarital counseling, supposed to help women better understand men and how to deal with them so a lot of what I read wasn't as shocking or new as it might be to some. Especially considering my premarital counseling wasn't all that long ago. I liked that the author kept his chapters relatively short and focused on the point at hand. He didn't have a tendency to wander all over the place trying to prove everything at once. He was focused and concise by providing the reader with examples in real life to show how each attitude or situation could cause problems in a marriage and what men really thought about such things. The thing I enjoyed most about this book was that the author was so amusing. He wasn't afraid to take some shots at men that made me laugh out loud (such as men being 'brain-damaged' in the womb) but he didn't take the subject likely and sobered up the laughter really quickly by challenging women to think about what they were doing to their husband, sometimes unknowingly.
There were times that I wished he went a bit more in depth about the situations or provided more clear examples but there are other books out there that to do that. Perhaps the most useful sections of this book were at the end where it basically summed up the question that many wives feel 'so how do I help my husband and make sure he's getting what he needs?' He takes the read through three parts about freeing a man's body, mind, and spirit and specific things that a woman can do to help her husband such as take care of herself, respect him, praise him, and a variety of other things. I would definitely recommend this book and completely enjoyed reading it. In fact, I'm a little sad that it's over!
When I first received this book, I picked it up right away and started reading but I couldn't get into it right off because there were so many other books I wanted to read. Recently, I decided to try the idea of reading several different books at once so that I could read some of the things on the list. This one was near the top and this time when I started reading, I breezed through this book. Most of the other books I was reading, I would do a chapter or two at a time, even the fiction books. With this one, however, I found myself reading as many as five or six chapters in one setting which was surprising.
I have read a couple of books like this in premarital counseling, supposed to help women better understand men and how to deal with them so a lot of what I read wasn't as shocking or new as it might be to some. Especially considering my premarital counseling wasn't all that long ago. I liked that the author kept his chapters relatively short and focused on the point at hand. He didn't have a tendency to wander all over the place trying to prove everything at once. He was focused and concise by providing the reader with examples in real life to show how each attitude or situation could cause problems in a marriage and what men really thought about such things. The thing I enjoyed most about this book was that the author was so amusing. He wasn't afraid to take some shots at men that made me laugh out loud (such as men being 'brain-damaged' in the womb) but he didn't take the subject likely and sobered up the laughter really quickly by challenging women to think about what they were doing to their husband, sometimes unknowingly.
There were times that I wished he went a bit more in depth about the situations or provided more clear examples but there are other books out there that to do that. Perhaps the most useful sections of this book were at the end where it basically summed up the question that many wives feel 'so how do I help my husband and make sure he's getting what he needs?' He takes the read through three parts about freeing a man's body, mind, and spirit and specific things that a woman can do to help her husband such as take care of herself, respect him, praise him, and a variety of other things. I would definitely recommend this book and completely enjoyed reading it. In fact, I'm a little sad that it's over!
October 25, 2012
Sorry. This book is a bit too hyper-masculine to describe most husbands, and not much self-awareness. No thanks.
January 20, 2017
This book didn't sharpen ANYTHING for me. I hope he only represents a SMALL amount of men in the Christian community. I can't recommend this book to anyone!
November 6, 2012
Such an eye opening book - a must read for all wives!
December 17, 2022
Overall an eye-opening, worth-listening-to book if you want a glimpse into the mind/body/soul of the typical high-testosterone man. If you are in a place where you can put your guard down, you might learn something useful of the other sex even from his frustrations, though the author keeps a generally light, jokeful tone.
There are enough aspects that apply to my husband and even those that do not, I think they represent the regular guy, based of that I’ve heard spoken by men in their honesty here and there.
I appreciate his raw honesty (surly he knew he was not going to have a warm reception). It is his courageous honesty that made me be generous with 4stars.
I can see why women get offended at this book, some because they have husbands that do not conform to this description (but the author makes it clear this is a stereotypical diagnosis because it is impossible to write a book on all the types of men out there. And, maybe even less than a stereotypical description, much of the book is his perspective (plus the perspectives of the men he’s spoken to) and I welcome it, I have gained insight looking through a male lens to the world we live in.
Other get offended because of the perceived sexism. Yes, it will be hard to swallow if you are a keen feminist.
I thought the historic perspective on the changes societies have undergone and how this impacted man’s role in the family was interesting and seems plausible. I would like to read more on the topic.
That being said, I do have an objection to the book. It’s too strong causality of failure of woman -> failure of men. Too little emphasis on the need (and manliness) of growing up and taking responsibility.
While I understand its scope is to make the regular wife aware of the perspectives of the regular husband (understanding his battles, weaknesses, the ways he can fall, etc), I think too little (or no) emphasis is put on the christian imperative that men put off the carnal nature and put on Christ, who was tempted in every way, yet did not sin. I get it, that would be another book written for men. If as a wive you have a carnal man on your hands, you cannot undress that through any human strength, and these insights will help you understand him and make the most of it. Yet christian wives and husbands should be working together in this undressing of the carnal and "re”dressing of Christ, no amount of prioritized blessed marital sex (important as undoubtfully it is) can change a sinful heart. Only the gospel. Which eventually works restoration in all areas, physical included, I am not being overly-spiritual here.
There are enough aspects that apply to my husband and even those that do not, I think they represent the regular guy, based of that I’ve heard spoken by men in their honesty here and there.
I appreciate his raw honesty (surly he knew he was not going to have a warm reception). It is his courageous honesty that made me be generous with 4stars.
I can see why women get offended at this book, some because they have husbands that do not conform to this description (but the author makes it clear this is a stereotypical diagnosis because it is impossible to write a book on all the types of men out there. And, maybe even less than a stereotypical description, much of the book is his perspective (plus the perspectives of the men he’s spoken to) and I welcome it, I have gained insight looking through a male lens to the world we live in.
Other get offended because of the perceived sexism. Yes, it will be hard to swallow if you are a keen feminist.
I thought the historic perspective on the changes societies have undergone and how this impacted man’s role in the family was interesting and seems plausible. I would like to read more on the topic.
That being said, I do have an objection to the book. It’s too strong causality of failure of woman -> failure of men. Too little emphasis on the need (and manliness) of growing up and taking responsibility.
While I understand its scope is to make the regular wife aware of the perspectives of the regular husband (understanding his battles, weaknesses, the ways he can fall, etc), I think too little (or no) emphasis is put on the christian imperative that men put off the carnal nature and put on Christ, who was tempted in every way, yet did not sin. I get it, that would be another book written for men. If as a wive you have a carnal man on your hands, you cannot undress that through any human strength, and these insights will help you understand him and make the most of it. Yet christian wives and husbands should be working together in this undressing of the carnal and "re”dressing of Christ, no amount of prioritized blessed marital sex (important as undoubtfully it is) can change a sinful heart. Only the gospel. Which eventually works restoration in all areas, physical included, I am not being overly-spiritual here.
March 17, 2019
Can’t wait to see the woman’s version of this... “a wife is controlling and nagging because she’s probably told her husband many times to do something simple like take out the garbage when he comes home from work, but doesn’t. It’s not her fault, she’s created to care for her home and kids and the husband needs to accept this”. This book is terrible. Doesn’t encourage communication or healthy growth at all. Men fail because of other men and their own selfish desires aka sin, not because of the wife.
July 24, 2018
Quick uplifting read
This is a quick read book. It may provide you with a few insights of your significant other. After 25 years of being married, I’m still learning about my spouse. This book is not deep but identifies two characteristics of men, provider and protector, that influence many of their behaviors. It connects these ideas with scripture and Biblical principles which provided the thoughts I pondered most
This is a quick read book. It may provide you with a few insights of your significant other. After 25 years of being married, I’m still learning about my spouse. This book is not deep but identifies two characteristics of men, provider and protector, that influence many of their behaviors. It connects these ideas with scripture and Biblical principles which provided the thoughts I pondered most
May 9, 2019
I really like how brutally honest the author is. Honestly with the whole feminist movement today I think women need a wake up call once in a while. While he can seem a little dogmatic in some ways toward women, he is just being completely honest in how men really think. I like that. No sugar coated bull crap.
May 8, 2018
I appreciate the simplicity with which this book was written - easy to follow and understand. Much of it actually didn’t apply exactly to my marriage, but it was an eye-opener nonetheless to try and view my husband in a different light.
November 14, 2021
This book is very well written. It personifies Protector and Provider as the 2 main things God has wired men to do. Lots of good advice on how women can support men as they Provide and Protect, rather than tearing them down with their words and actions. I think every couple should read this book
January 7, 2023
Truly helped me understand my husband a little better. However, a lot of generalizations (which is understandable). Overall, I just told myself to take with me the good points and disregard the rest, which is kind of a sucky when reading a Christian book. You kind of want it to be sound information
November 24, 2025
This was a really helpful book that has opened my eyes to my husband's inner feelings. I am very happy to have read this book because it brought up some good points that I had never thought of from a man's perspective.
July 9, 2018
I appreciated Murrow's very direct style of communication, but a portion of his observations and advice was cringe worthy.
February 13, 2019
very interesting
January 17, 2023
Thought it made sense.. but skipped through a few chapters. Felt like I've heard this all before but just said differently.
January 5, 2024
While I do think the book has some helpful tips, it was hard for me to get past the subtle blaming of women for a lot of issues. I also wasn't prepared for how intricately religious the text was.
December 28, 2012
If you are lucky enough like me to have found a husband of whom you have little-to-no complaints, then this book isn’t for you. To be honest, when I read What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You, I responded to so many of Murrow’s examples with, “He’s not like that”; “He would never say that”; and “Who does these things?!”. But I know that I am in the minority when it comes to having a husband who doesn’t need to go into a little box for some quiet time, who enjoys going to church as much as I do, and who has no trouble telling me his fears and disappointments. For those who have, from time to time, experienced trouble with understanding what their husbands are trying to say (because they are not saying it) or with understanding what their husbands are doing (because their actions just don’t make sense!), then you might find this book very useful. Murrow succinctly divides his book into five parts that delves into the origins of mankind (literally and religiously), understanding various parts of the person, and what women need to do to contribute to harmonious relationships. Both men and women could benefit from this book as a way of looking at their partners or themselves through the eyes of someone who has spent his life studying the male sex. And yes, Murrow delves into the topic of sex, too, in case you were wondering.
Just a heads up: Murrow’s writing revolves around and is influenced by Christian perspectives.
Story & Pacing: 8
This is a quick and easy read—I completed it in one night. Each chapter focuses on one topic, which makes it easy to go back to choose the chapter you want to read without having to read all the ones that come before. Murrow focuses on three aspects (body, soul, and spirit), using this division to highlight the various aspects that make up the man, and the story is the better for it.
Characters: 8
The man is the main character, and really, who wouldn’t benefit from a closer look at this gender. The narrator flips back between Murrow and “Provider” and “Protector”, which I didn’t particularly enjoy as it seemed like a juvenile approach, but I understand what Murrow was trying to accomplish.
Setting: N/A
Style & Writing: 7
It was nice of Murrow to include examples of stories he’s accumulated over the years, but I think it would have been helpful to identify the geographic and/or cultural influences of his stories. For example, might the same situations he mentioned have happened in both a North-American marriage and an Asian marriage? Does the number of years of marriage affect the obstacles? What about the age difference between the husband and wife? I understand that specifics like this may have been beyond the scope of the book, but from a scientific perspective, statistical information would have been helpful in giving readers background information on the subjects mentioned. Also, Murrow writes with a distinct Christian slant. This wasn’t mentioned anywhere on the cover or blurb (although somewhat alluded to in his profile), but this would have been a nice piece of information to include to unsuspecting readers.
Learnability & Teachability: 7
Christians would enjoy this book what with the numerous references to biblical passages and characters. This might also be a good book for those involved in sociology and gender studies.
POTENTIAL TEACHABLES
Roles of “provider” and “protector”; stereotypes and archetypes; literal and figurative interpretations of biblical passages; developing observational charts and questionnaires.
Just a heads up: Murrow’s writing revolves around and is influenced by Christian perspectives.
Story & Pacing: 8
This is a quick and easy read—I completed it in one night. Each chapter focuses on one topic, which makes it easy to go back to choose the chapter you want to read without having to read all the ones that come before. Murrow focuses on three aspects (body, soul, and spirit), using this division to highlight the various aspects that make up the man, and the story is the better for it.
Characters: 8
The man is the main character, and really, who wouldn’t benefit from a closer look at this gender. The narrator flips back between Murrow and “Provider” and “Protector”, which I didn’t particularly enjoy as it seemed like a juvenile approach, but I understand what Murrow was trying to accomplish.
Setting: N/A
Style & Writing: 7
It was nice of Murrow to include examples of stories he’s accumulated over the years, but I think it would have been helpful to identify the geographic and/or cultural influences of his stories. For example, might the same situations he mentioned have happened in both a North-American marriage and an Asian marriage? Does the number of years of marriage affect the obstacles? What about the age difference between the husband and wife? I understand that specifics like this may have been beyond the scope of the book, but from a scientific perspective, statistical information would have been helpful in giving readers background information on the subjects mentioned. Also, Murrow writes with a distinct Christian slant. This wasn’t mentioned anywhere on the cover or blurb (although somewhat alluded to in his profile), but this would have been a nice piece of information to include to unsuspecting readers.
Learnability & Teachability: 7
Christians would enjoy this book what with the numerous references to biblical passages and characters. This might also be a good book for those involved in sociology and gender studies.
POTENTIAL TEACHABLES
Roles of “provider” and “protector”; stereotypes and archetypes; literal and figurative interpretations of biblical passages; developing observational charts and questionnaires.
November 8, 2012
This book digs deep into the core of how a man might think about his life, wife, career, family and others, and how he may rate them in order of importance. Chapters that are included ie: His soul's greatest need, what is your husband afraid of, how providing and protecting has changed, what "men are visual" means, why your husband has a hard time doing "spiritual stuff" and many other chapters.
This is a very honest, raw and extremely revealing volume that also brings the reader in touch with other marriages and concerns of husbands, as well as the authors own marriage and challenges that he faces as a man in relating to his wife.
This book does introduce very sensitive and seemingly off limits subjects that is not usually touched upon in most marriage christian books. The author seems to air some of his frustrations at how his wife and other husbands wives treat them as some of the material presented can be easily misinterpreted by a reader that is having a particularly stressful day, as I myself had learned. I had to stop reading and then I came back to the book on another day to finish it.
On a positive note I gained an insight into the minds, thoughts and desires of men and this book did help me to understand what a "typical" man goes through in his married and spiritual life each day. I commend the author in the challenge of getting his point across as I feel that some points need to be made and this book addresses these, and he does mention at times about not wanting to hurt his female readers by his comments.
On a lesser note I did not 100% agree with the material presented and not sure that anyone would but I feel that there is a gray area within every personality not just a right and not right. I feel that marriage depends on both people to make it work and that marital challenges lie within both partners, not just with the wife. 3.0 stars.
I received a complimentary copy from Bethany House Publishers for my review.
This is a very honest, raw and extremely revealing volume that also brings the reader in touch with other marriages and concerns of husbands, as well as the authors own marriage and challenges that he faces as a man in relating to his wife.
This book does introduce very sensitive and seemingly off limits subjects that is not usually touched upon in most marriage christian books. The author seems to air some of his frustrations at how his wife and other husbands wives treat them as some of the material presented can be easily misinterpreted by a reader that is having a particularly stressful day, as I myself had learned. I had to stop reading and then I came back to the book on another day to finish it.
On a positive note I gained an insight into the minds, thoughts and desires of men and this book did help me to understand what a "typical" man goes through in his married and spiritual life each day. I commend the author in the challenge of getting his point across as I feel that some points need to be made and this book addresses these, and he does mention at times about not wanting to hurt his female readers by his comments.
On a lesser note I did not 100% agree with the material presented and not sure that anyone would but I feel that there is a gray area within every personality not just a right and not right. I feel that marriage depends on both people to make it work and that marital challenges lie within both partners, not just with the wife. 3.0 stars.
I received a complimentary copy from Bethany House Publishers for my review.
November 27, 2012
Poor David Murrow. I believe he managed to write a book that is going to anger TWO completely different sets of women, leaving just a small group in the middle who will like and listen to his advice. On the one hand, you will have ladies who are far too conservative, who happen to have married maybe one of the few men who don't fall into the generalities of this book and will write it off for the brutal honesty he shows of how men view women. On the flip side, you will also have liberal women who have no problem accepting some of the darker sides of our husbands, but who may scoff at the roles of women (cooking, being skinny, submitting to husband, etc.) This leads us to the middle few who will take this book as a breath of fresh honest air.
I actually really liked it. The author does describe my husband, who falls into all the generalities found in the book, and on some occasions, I asked my spouse if what the author said about men was true, and he ALWAYS said yes. This book didn't make me like my husband any more (or less for that matter) but it did explain him better. It also confirmed that the grass is not greener, and some of the annoying things about him, I would likely find in any/every man! I found I had to be in the right mind-set to read this book and it is definitely hard not to get defensive, or say to the author or your spouse - "well that is a stupid way to think!" but I took this book at face value, I read it as an honest look into a man's brain and left it at that. The stuff on the importance of looking nice was nothing new, but the deep desire to provide, and the serious stubbornness of potentially failing at things, especially in front of others was eye-opening. (I received a copy of this book for review from the publisher. I would likely never have read it otherwise, but I am really glad I did)
I actually really liked it. The author does describe my husband, who falls into all the generalities found in the book, and on some occasions, I asked my spouse if what the author said about men was true, and he ALWAYS said yes. This book didn't make me like my husband any more (or less for that matter) but it did explain him better. It also confirmed that the grass is not greener, and some of the annoying things about him, I would likely find in any/every man! I found I had to be in the right mind-set to read this book and it is definitely hard not to get defensive, or say to the author or your spouse - "well that is a stupid way to think!" but I took this book at face value, I read it as an honest look into a man's brain and left it at that. The stuff on the importance of looking nice was nothing new, but the deep desire to provide, and the serious stubbornness of potentially failing at things, especially in front of others was eye-opening. (I received a copy of this book for review from the publisher. I would likely never have read it otherwise, but I am really glad I did)
January 2, 2013
What Your Husband Isn't Telling You: A Guided Tour of a Man's Body, Soul and Spirit by author David Murrow should be in the hands of every married woman. In fact, they should probably read it before they get married.
Murrow begins by getting to the bare bones of what makes a man, a man. He does this with humour and a straight-forwardness that keeps you reading. He starts by identifying the two main parts of a man that both control him and make him a man. He calls them "Provider" and "Protector". These two elements in men (married men in particular) are the basis for why some become workaholics and others clam up about their feelings until they explode with rage.
Reading this book has opened my eyes to my husband's needs and helped me to see why he does the things he does. At one point, I was actually thinking, "Wow! Men are really screwed up!" But, thankfully, Murrow provides the answers to help your husband in both body, soul and spiritual needs.
I particularly liked the chapters on why women like church more than men and why our husbands (not all of them, but some of them) have a hard time doing "spiritual stuff". I understand now why praying together is hard for some men. It all makes sense and I now know what I have to do to help my husband, not just in spiritual matters but in other areas of his life as well.
This book is an eye-opener ladies and one you want to ask for this Christmas! It will bless you and in the end bless your husbands as well.
Murrow begins by getting to the bare bones of what makes a man, a man. He does this with humour and a straight-forwardness that keeps you reading. He starts by identifying the two main parts of a man that both control him and make him a man. He calls them "Provider" and "Protector". These two elements in men (married men in particular) are the basis for why some become workaholics and others clam up about their feelings until they explode with rage.
Reading this book has opened my eyes to my husband's needs and helped me to see why he does the things he does. At one point, I was actually thinking, "Wow! Men are really screwed up!" But, thankfully, Murrow provides the answers to help your husband in both body, soul and spiritual needs.
I particularly liked the chapters on why women like church more than men and why our husbands (not all of them, but some of them) have a hard time doing "spiritual stuff". I understand now why praying together is hard for some men. It all makes sense and I now know what I have to do to help my husband, not just in spiritual matters but in other areas of his life as well.
This book is an eye-opener ladies and one you want to ask for this Christmas! It will bless you and in the end bless your husbands as well.
November 26, 2012
This book is a very interesting and open take on understanding your husband. The author (wisely) states that not all men are the same of course and in light of the book he must generalize, and that's good to keep in mind as you read. My favorite line of the book? "Men are just like big toddlers." Cue laughter from all the women, along with vigorous head nodding. Anyway, he backs up his ideas with research and cultural and historical information. Some of it merely backs up what I have heard before, and other parts make my eyes bug out! I would love to read this with my husband and get his perspective; it would definitly make for an interesting couples study (if you can get your husband to do that!). The main parts of the book go through helping women understand his body, soul and spirit, and the last chapters of the book offer some practical advice on "freeing" each of those sections (body, soul and spirit). I really appreciate and recommend this book, and it will be one that I reread occasionally to make sure I am taking care of my husband's needs.
I received a copy of this book from the publisher for my honest review.
I received a copy of this book from the publisher for my honest review.
November 21, 2012
I had moments of deep disagreement with this book as I read it. It set sour with me at times. But I kept reading and I began to see that whether or not I agreed with the author, he was sharing from his own experience as. a. man. Which I am not. His perspective (obviously) is far different from mine, and I took a step back and decided to change my attitude about what he said.
The truth is, whether or not I agree with what he shares, he is sharing from direct experience, and I can value that. He did not write in a manner that was necessarily meant to soften the blow (as it were) for a wife to understand her husband's experience. The more I read, the more I did learn about my husband, although some specifics were different (and the author states that will be the case).
For a wife to read this book, she must be willing to set aside what she expects or thinks she knows and consider something different. It may or may not be exactly true of her husband, but the fact that she can consider something that may help her understand her husband better is the whole point of this book!
I enjoyed most of it - and found it to be a provocative read.
The truth is, whether or not I agree with what he shares, he is sharing from direct experience, and I can value that. He did not write in a manner that was necessarily meant to soften the blow (as it were) for a wife to understand her husband's experience. The more I read, the more I did learn about my husband, although some specifics were different (and the author states that will be the case).
For a wife to read this book, she must be willing to set aside what she expects or thinks she knows and consider something different. It may or may not be exactly true of her husband, but the fact that she can consider something that may help her understand her husband better is the whole point of this book!
I enjoyed most of it - and found it to be a provocative read.
January 30, 2013
This is my latest book from Bethany House to review. It is written by David Murrow. I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but perhaps not this book. It definitely gave a different perspective, one seen from a male point of view. However, I’m not 100% sold on the concepts within. There are quite a few good suggestions and observations, some of which I will try to inact within my own marriage, such as respect and not trying to be the leader in the house. However, there was a strong emphasis on sex. Each chapter wanted to let you know, that your husband needs it. Different ways it was worded, but that is basically what I gleaned from the book. It felt different from typical religious/Christian books, having an almost worldly touch to it, but with just enough verses and talk of God to make it religious.
Overall, it was an interesting read. It wasn’t necessarily for me, there were tidbits here and there that were useful. But I doubt it will be a book that will remain on my bookshelf to read over again.
Overall, it was an interesting read. It wasn’t necessarily for me, there were tidbits here and there that were useful. But I doubt it will be a book that will remain on my bookshelf to read over again.
December 31, 2015
I have been struggling with how to approach this review. I’ll tell you right off the bat that What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You by David Murrow isn’t for every wife out there – especially those who aren’t Christian. I personally found a lot of great nuggets in this book that I think will help me to better deal with my husband. Not just when he’s “behaving badly” but also on a day-to-day basis. I think that, for the most part, I do have a better understanding of what likely drives my husband. With this knowledge, I believe I am better equipped to be the best wife I can be for him.
I will be honest and say that I see this book being a problem for many women out there. They won’t like what Murrow has to say about what men need, why men can’t help but do things like check out other women, etc. They’re not going to like it. But, if it’s read with an open mind, and preferably with a level head, I think there’s much to be gained.
I will be honest and say that I see this book being a problem for many women out there. They won’t like what Murrow has to say about what men need, why men can’t help but do things like check out other women, etc. They’re not going to like it. But, if it’s read with an open mind, and preferably with a level head, I think there’s much to be gained.
July 15, 2013
I spent most of this book either disagreeing with or outright not liking the author's viewpoints. I'll be honest... I struggled to get through it. HOWEVER, once I finished the book I realized that the author was telling things from his own point of view as a man, which is something that women cannot understand on their own (because we're women!). Not everything the author says can be applied to ALL men (obviously, they are all different), but if you're able to see past that and view it as a general guide then it's worth reading.
Is it a book I'd run out and tell all of my female married friends that they must read? No. I would, however, recommend it to the woman who wanted a little more insight into how men think on a general level.
There is another book similar to this: "What your son isn't telling you", which I have yet to read but I'm tempted to pick up a copy for comparison's sake.
Is it a book I'd run out and tell all of my female married friends that they must read? No. I would, however, recommend it to the woman who wanted a little more insight into how men think on a general level.
There is another book similar to this: "What your son isn't telling you", which I have yet to read but I'm tempted to pick up a copy for comparison's sake.
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