How We Love, Expanded Edition: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

by Milan Yerkovich, Kay Yerkovich

Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?

The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage
may lie buried in your childhood.

Your early life experiences create an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all future relationships, especially your marriage. In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you pinpoint the reason your marriage is struggling–and they reveal exactly what you can do about it.

Drawing on the powerful tool of attachment theory, the Yerkoviches identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. As you discover how your relationship has been guided by these imprints, you’ll gain the insights you need to stop stepping on each other’s toes and instead allow yourselves to be swept along by the music of a richer, deeper relationship.


From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Christian, Personal Growth

350 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 10, 2006

About the author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Reviews

[Trish Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fascinating book. I have been listening to the New Life Live radio show for about six months, and Milan Yerkovich is one of the co-hosts on the show. Milan and his wife Kay are both counselors and have presented this information, which is based on attachment theory, in many workshops before writing it down to share with a wider audience.

Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful for anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our relationships and learning about it can help us become more of a secure person with anyone, not just a spouse.

After describing what they call a "secure connector," the Yerkoviches discuss five primary attachment styles:
the Avoider,
the Pleaser,
the Vacillator,
the Controller, and
the Victim.

These last two are considered to be different ways people respond to growing up in a chaotic environment. It was very confusing for me at first because I saw myself in most of what was described, and identified strongly with three of the styles and mildly with the other two. Finally, in the chapter on "Identifying Your Love Style," I learned why when they said:
"We find that people from chaotic homes often see themselves on nearly every page. (It's also not uncommon for people from chaotic backgrounds to initially feel confused as they read about the different imprints.)"

In the second part of the book, Milan and Kay focus on how people with different attachment styles often interact, showing us several distinct patterns that can emerge. From there, they go into some teaching on how to truly connect with your spouse using what they call the comfort circle. I didn't spend as much time on these sections since my husband and I are separated, but there was a lot of good information.

The book I purchased has a workbook included, and I found much of this to be very helpful as well. There are numerous places in both the book and the workbook where the authors list characteristics of each attachment style or even statements that a person with that style would be likely to make. I found these lists extremely useful in figuring out what fit me the most.

I would highly recommend How We Love whether you are in a relationship or not - I found it to be very insightful and helped me look at a lot of things in my past that I didn't realize were affecting me still in my life.

[Scot Parker · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book to be offensive. Clearly written from a fundamentalist Christian perspective, it includes such gems as "even Christians run into these relationship problems." I beg your pardon, but statistically, Christians experience relationship problems and divorce at the same rate as secular couples, and I find the fundamentalist Christian perspective on dating, relationships, and marriage to be incredibly toxic and dysfunctional. I've been through Christian fundamentalism and found it to be a breeding ground of racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and numerous other types of bigotry and a community that supports abusers and denigrates those with mental health issues.

This book encourages couples to remain together because "it is biblical" despite abuse, neglect, severe personality conflicts, etc., I find this to be disgustingly unhealthy. To add insult to injury, this book is written as though the authors are speaking to children, not mature adults with any modicum of intelligence and self-awareness. There are much better books out there, don't waste your time and money on this one.

[Beth Peninger · Rating 5 out of 5]

"When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works....Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work." And so begins this important, perspective changing, marriage altering - even relationship altering - book. When a friend was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I'm not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don't know how I love. I was also hearing about this book at the same time my first true love, and ex-boyfriend I thought I would be married to, resurfaced and he and I, with my husband chaperoning of course, had to navigate the waters of closure on a relationship dead in the water many years ago but the wreckage still floated in the sea. I know that perhaps not only how I love is formed by what I learned about it in my growing up years but perhaps its extended to this relationship that meant so much to me in very formative years as well.
I took the little "love style" quiz from the author's website. Click here if you are curious enough yourself. And so with that little bit of possible knowledge about me I dove into the book. By page 11 I was emailing a friend and recommending it and making mental notes in my head, amazed that some of the questions they ask if I ask myself were spot on! (Note: They recommend doing the workbook along with the book, I didn't as I checked out the book from the library. But I have decided upon finishing the book that this reading of it was cursory at best and I ordered it, with the workbook included, through Amazon and will be going back through it giving it the time it deserves so I can learn. Yes, it is THAT good.)
The Yerkovich's make a convincing argument (not that I needed convincing but certainly others might) that in order to go forward in the future we must first visit, but not live, in the past. "The past defines nearly everything about us: our emotions, beliefs, desires, and preferences. We are the sum of our history. To ignore it is to be blind to the currents that sweep us along through life." (Page 31) So they take the reader first on a visit to the past to discover what kind of love was imprinted on us from the moment we were born.
Taking their time they outline and unpack what five different love styles, or imprints, look like and how they may have formed. The five styles are: Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim. I identified most closely with 2 of the styles which is one reason why I wanted to go back through and do the workbook as well. I would even consider going to one of their workshops! Yes, it is THAT good.
A few of the reviews I read said the many examples and stories they give were unnecessary, I 100% disagree. I thought the examples and stories they gave helped flesh out the different ways in which the love styles manifest themselves. And the Yerkovich's did a good job balancing between the male and female responses to the love styles. Traditionally we think of men as being the controller, for example, and they gave a real life example of a woman that was a controller. For me that was refreshing to not have examples that stuck men and women in roles traditionally thought of but to show that man or woman is prone to any of the love styles.
After fleshing out the love styles the Yerkovich's then spend the remainder of the book helping the reader understand how to go about beginning to relate to others (spouse, friends, etc - although they did phrase the remainder of the book in marriage terms but you can easily transfer to all relationships) through something they call the "comfort circle". In each section they explain thoroughly what that part of the circle is and how each love style can look for ways to relate in healthy ways through it. I can see where the workbook will greatly enhance not just the unpacking of the different learning styles but also give insight and guidance on how to begin to be healthy and relate well. Reading just the book will give someone a great step forward in understanding and even tiny amounts of application but the workbook is where the application really comes in, or so I am guessing.
This is a relationship changing, life changing book. For those of you who don't like to read authors who are Christians still give this book a shot. While the Yerkovich's are Christians they don't preach at you, they don't saturate the book with Christianese, they write for any kind of reader - Christian or not. I would say a good 99% of the book doesn't even touch religion so if you are generally put off by Christian books I think you can safely give this one a shot. And what the Yerkovich's include in matters of God makes so much sense and is so appropriate that I would hope even those not subscribing to religion would sense the wisdom of what they included.
HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommended. I will be recommending to all the people I care about - married or not because we all have to interact in relationships and this book will help you understand how you've been relating, why, and how to become healthy in your relating.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is excellent practical advice about attachment, but it is sometimes distracting in its focus on white Christian solutions to problems. Also, had to roll my eyes at lines like "this guy could sell sand to Iran." But still, it's very good relationship advice

[John Majors · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every married couple should read this book. It is incredibly important. They unpack four main love styles that couples tend to fall into, all based on answering the question "How were you comforted as a child?" It's eye opening, yet not surprising, that so much of the patterns we develop and apply to loving our spouse are rooted in what we learned as a child. There's also an accompanying workbook that you should get and work through with your spouse as well. This is a must read. Order it now!

[Levi Macallister · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am giving this book five stars because it truly changed my world and gave me language for the WHY behind so much of WHAT and WHO I am. Kay and Milan give childhood attachment theory layman language to help couples see and understand where their ways of being in this world come from, and it is the language of compassion and healing.

[Wendy Bunnell · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm taking a writing class about characters and their personality types, so this was the fourth book we're reading for that class about different personality types and how having characters with such types would play out for conflict and drama in a romance.

This book is written by a married couple who are quite frank about their own emotional wounds from their families of origin and how it impacted their ability to give and receive comfort and love in their marriage until they started taking steps to nurture intimacy and comfort. That was okay.

The things that bothered me about this book fell into a couple categories:

1. it seems like no-one ever had a good childhood. Everyone they talk about it unable to give or receive comfort. Everyone's childhood sucked and ruined everyone for life unless they do these exercises. Note - many people had seriously jacked up childhoods. I didn't, and I'm lucky for it, but there is no consideration of this as a possibility in this book.

2. Everyone needs to be able to cry and be held like a baby by their partner while they cry in order to be intimate and have a strong marriage. Yikes. Please don't.

3. Some relationships really can't be fixed. They only slightly gloss over this in the context of physical abuse. I think it's more prevalent than just that.

I was interested in reading about the different types of wounds. I liked the approach of active listening, using feeling words to express our emotions to our partners, etc. Not as big on the cradling and crying bit, but I could see how some couples might benefit from that.

But I'd hate to live in a world where everyone is doomed to relationship sadness from early childhood - and, I kid you not, pre-verbal childhood. One client of theirs, despite growing up in a loving and comforting home, was, according to the authors, deeply traumatized by a car accident that injured her mother when she was 10 months old. The mother was away from her for one week, and the now adult woman never recovered or was able to trust and love another because of the deep-rooted feelings of abandonment from age 10 months, which the woman didn't remember. Just No.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: The Avoider, who likes being alone, doesn't share feelings easily, seems unruffled, and values independence; The Pleaser, who feels anxious around a sad or angry person, and ignores own feelings to focus on another's; The Vacillator, who craves closeness and intimacy but feels angry when another doesn't return the same level of affection, often vacillates between warmth and silence, and expects their mate to "read their mind"; and the Controller/Victim, in which an angry Controller puts their own needs first, and the Victim, feeling anxious, does anything to ameliorate the Controller, thinking "Once this, this, or this situation is resolved he/she will finally be calm and stable."

The authors also examine the dynamics between different pairings -- for example, how do Pleasers and Vacillators communicate with one another? -- and shows you how to 1) identify your love style, 2) understand the roots of your love style, and 3) identify the emotional barriers that impede you from loving your mate in a healthy way. I say "mate" because the authors wrote this book for couples, but singles can also benefit. I was really comforted to learn that my particular struggles have a root somewhere, that the events and home dynamics that have shaped my unhealthy "core" pattern are actually shared by many of those who have the same love style as I do (and most importantly, there is hope for me!). The authors also gave some terrifically helpful guidelines on how to be a better listener. I give this book four stars for editing, as it could have been more concise.

[Brianna Schwartz · Rating 5 out of 5]

So enlightening and easy to read!

[Kayᥫ᭡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️'s
The knowledge and wisdom I gained is deep, practical and timeless. It’s the type of wisdom I’ll keep returning to, because it’ll always be relevant. A must read!

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE this book. Perhaps it is because I am a vacillator and my husband is an avoider, but this has been one of the most helpful resources for our marriage--maybe THE most of all. We are still using the workbook materials for reflection and dialogue together. It has helped us understand and work on some of our repeated patterns and difficult problems. It has helped us gain greater compassion for one another. It is helping us grow.
This is not only helpful for married couples, though it is extremely helpful in this context. I have gained a lot of insight into my friends and relationships with them. And because it addresses family of origin love styles, it is helpful for growing in those relationships, too.
I highly recommend this, and the complement to it for parenting, How We Love Our Kids.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only read so far as it applied to the single. That was probably 75-80% of the book. Then it got into nitty gritty marriage stuff. But the part I read was revealing. I think I can categorize myself as a vascillator, but more importantly, I've thought back through my life to try to understand where my reactions come from. I also interviewed my mom to get a picture of what I was like growing up. I can see how what I've learned will help me develop healthier relationships in general and hopefully, some day, that most intimate relationship.

[Laura Scala · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at the psychology behind “how we love”. It highlights how childhood memories, family dynamics, and trauma can impact your marriage. I especially appreciated the tangible examples of how to better listen and communicate with your spouse, as described towards the end of the book.

Although, let’s be honest. I spent half of the book asking myself, “oh no, am I doing that with MY kids now?” Therapy is on me, kids.

[Aisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t really read this book to fix or heal any marriage. It caught my attention and I read it out of curiosity. I couldn’t choose any better time to read it.

I really loved it, I can say it is an eye opening to understand yourself and understand certain behaviors you do unaware in relationships.

[Roberta Garza · Rating 5 out of 5]

¡Este es de esos libros que quieres comprar miles para regalarle a todos! Life changing book!!
Un libro que te hace aprender mucho de ti, te hace reflexionar y entender mucho más a los demás. Es para leerlo despacio, hacer introspección y literal aprender a amar. Aunque es un libro para "matrimonios", yo lo recomendaría para cualquier persona que quiere conocerse más a sí mismo y mejoras sus relaciones interpersonales. No me voy a cansar de recomendarlo. ¡WOW!

[Aubrey Reed · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5, rounded down

[Ophelia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great primer on attachment theory and how it manifests in relationships. I’m not married (the book is targeted at married couples), but felt like 80% of the content was applicable to dating. It was fascinating to learn how imprints in childhood impact you in adulthood. My key takeaways:

- Learned a lot about my own personality: how focusing on the needs of others perhaps reduces my own anxiety
- Questions to ask myself: Am I doing this nice thing to keep the people in my life close and happy to reduce my own anxiety? How can I become more aware of how much I let the moods of others dictate how I feel and my behavior? How might I be more straightforward with what I need? How can I shift my perspective on my own feelings and see them as important?
- We all have two tanks: one that needs fuel (words, encouragement, appreciation) and another that is full of pressure that needs to be released (stress, unexpressed feelings, unresolved issues) and relationships need to fill up and release these two tanks on a regular basis
- Need to learn to ask “What do you need?” or “Do you want me just to listen, or do you want me to problem solve?” Developing the skills to do both is important. As Brene Brown says, clarity is kind.
- Key questions from childhood: Do you have memories from your childhood of being comforted? Was it safe in your family to talk freely and vulnerably about difficult feelings?

Overall, a really thought provoking book. Got a little repetitive at times. Didn’t relate to some of the “love styles” so skimmed those parts, but overall enjoyed it!

[Brandon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Most of the reviews for this book are positive and it seems the readers found it helpful. I am glad that it has been profitable for many. However, my experience was much different. In "How We Love," I found myself rather disappointed.

One of the main drawbacks of the book is its failure to adequately explain why delving into our past is crucial for understanding our present relationships. In my opinion the book didn't provide a clear and compelling rationale for why this process is necessary.

Furthermore, the book's tendency to make sweeping assumptions, such as equating all individuals from chaotic households with becoming angry parents, was overly simplistic. Our experiences are far more nuanced and diverse than such generalizations can capture.
It seemed to me the book was filled with vaguely defined terms, which could apply to a variety of situations. The idea of a chaotic household was mentioned but not defined. What exactly is a chaotic household? This vagueness detracts from the book's overall credibility.

While the book claims to have a Christian perspective, it falls short in delivering a thorough exploration of the purpose of marriage from a Biblical viewpoint. There was a noticeable absence of an in-depth discussion on how Jesus can be the solution to marital and relationship challenges. Scattering a few Bible verses into the book does not make it Christian. For example, quoting Jesus saying, “The truth shall set you free” and applying it to being open in a counseling session, takes the verse out of context and misses Jesus’ point. In the passage the truth is Jesus word’s, not childhood memories and repressed feelings. And freedom meant freedom from the slavery of sin and becoming a disciple of Jesus.

I identified many of what I thought were contradictions or inconsistencies. Throughout the book we are told people are the way they are because of the imprints put on them by parents, and an important part of healing is finding out how our parents infected us. The authors carefully warn us not to use this to blame parents. However, to constantly say you are messed up because your parents didn’t hug you enough or ask about your feelings and then tell us not to be bothered by that is unrealistic. Also, relying on our own memories to determine what happened can be unreliable. In one example they write, “Never having an opportunity to share his feelings, he had been imprinted to detach and take care of himself.” I just find it difficult to believe in this person’s childhood not one person was willing to listen to him express what he was feeling. I am probably being overly critical; the point is probably that he was discouraged from sharing his feelings. Still, letting people share their memories, reenforcing that memory and then identifying the kind of person they are based on that memory seems to encourage them to blame and can enable negative behavior. However, I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I have practice as the authors do. Apparently, they have been able to help many, for which I am truly grateful.

My wife and I listened to this book together and literally laughed out loud simultaneously at several points in the book. Here is one example:
“When you were ten months old, you broke your collarbone trying to crawl into your twin sister’s crib. You lay on the floor for a month and wouldn’t move or smile. And every time I picked you up, you cried.” I remember being totally shocked. In those few sentences, my mom had given me the key to my lifelong bouts of depression: it had begun during my first year of life.” Maybe it is my own ignorance, but I fail to see the connection.

In summary, I found this book unconvincing, boring, and misguided.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is based on their decades of work with couples, and is based on attachment theory.

Preface
“We’ve trademarked our approach to couples’ therapy and call it Attachment Core Pattern Therapy.”

Chapter 17
“But not once in the first fifteen years of our marriage did I ever allow Milan to hold me as I cried. Now I have learned how to engage, how to be a giver and a receiver, and though at first I found it awkward and just plain frightening to be so vulnerable, now I can’t count the number of times I’ve been held while I cried. Milan and I just needed to learn how to engage.” (75% highlighted)

The Wall
“Their wedding picture mocked them from the other table, these two whose minds no longer touched each other.
They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that neither battering ram of words nor artilleries of touch could break it down.
Somewhere, between the oldest child’s first tooth and the youngest daughter’s graduation, they lost each other.
Throughout the years each slowly unraveled that tangled ball of string called self, and as they tugged at stubborn knots, each hid his searching from the other.
Sometimes she cried at night and begged the whispering darkness to tell her who she was. He lay beside her, snoring like a hibernating bear, unaware of her winter.
Once, after they had made love, he wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying, but fearful to show his naked soul, he spoke instead of the beauty of her body.
She took a course on modern art, trying to find herself in colors splashed upon a canvas, complaining to the other women about men who are insensitive.
He climbed into a tomb called “The Office,” wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures, and buried himself in customers.
Slowly, the wall between them rose, cemented by the mortar of indifference.
One day, reaching out to each other, they found a barrier they could not penetrate, and recoiling from the coldness of the stone, each retreated from the stranger on the other side.
For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle, not when fiery bodies lose their heat. It lies panting, exhausted expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.
—Author Unknown”

“Are you like this couple? Are you unaware of each other’s winters? Have you been on the verge of speaking a deep truth but fell silent, afraid to show your spouse your naked soul? Along the way, if couples decide not to engage, the walls get higher until two strangers stand on opposite sides. There is no real giving or receiving, no true health or vitality, none of the life-giving reciprocity that comes with engaging each other. The problem is, each of us has entered marriage imprinted with patterns that interfere with giving and receiving.”


There are five harmful love styles: (Book Chapter 4; Page 51 of 344)
1. the avoider
2. pleaser
3. vacillator
4. controller and
5. victim.

“Briefly, adults imprinted to be
[A]void[ers] learned early on to minimize their feelings, be independent, and meet their own needs.
Pleasers learned to be cautious and tried hard to be the good kids in order to avoid criticism and keep things peaceful.
Vacillators found early on that connection was sometimes available but unpredictable, and these kids were often left waiting, so by the time attention was offered, they were too angry to receive it.
Controllers and victims learned to cover their fears by either fighting back or detaching and complying.
Each style is characterized by a particular way of coping with pain, which unfortunately abounds in too many family situations.” (Chapter 4; Page 52 of 344)

“We saw that we have broken and ineffective love styles that we learned as children, styles that do not serve us well in our adult relationships. In addition, we also have selfish natures that want to go in directions other than what’s good for us. Even when we are well meaning and our hearts want to do the right thing, our minds can battle with our inner spirits. Lastly, we live in a broken world of distorted perspectives. If we buy into the brokenness, we end up loving the wrong things, climbing ladders only to find that they are leaning against the wrong wall, accumulating stuff that does not satisfy, and finding our hearts still yearning for something that’s missing. The gravitational forces of injurious imprints, our selfish, blaming attitudes, and the lures of the world—all these contribute to disappointments and failures within marriage.” (Chapter 15 “The Comfort Circle”, 67%)

As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (81%)

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24, NIV). (82%)

“I walked into my doctor’s office the other day, and the receptionist greeted me with a smile. “How are you? Do you need validation today?” “Thanks, I’m good,” I said. “My wife and I had a good talk this morning.” “I meant the parking, sir,” she said.” (82%)

“We saw that we have broken and ineffective love styles that we learned as children, styles that do not serve us well in our adult relationships. In addition, we also have selfish natures that want to go in directions other than what’s good for us. Even when we are well meaning and our hearts want to do the right thing, our minds can battle with our inner spirits. Lastly, we live in a broken world of distorted perspectives. If we buy into the brokenness, we end up loving the wrong things, climbing ladders only to find that they are leaning against the wrong wall, accumulating stuff that does not satisfy, and finding our hearts still yearning for something that’s missing. The gravitational forces of injurious imprints, our selfish, blaming attitudes, and the lures of the world—all these contribute to disappointments and failures within marriage.” (Chapter 15 “The Comfort Circle”, 67%)

As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (81%)

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24, NIV). (82%)

“I walked into my doctor’s office the other day, and the receptionist greeted me with a smile. “How are you? Do you need validation today? ” “Thanks, I’m good,” I said. “My wife and I had a good talk this morning.” “I meant the parking, sir,” she said.” (82%)

Many books about marriage relations are written by therapists. They insert anecdotes about couples who have a breakthrough and the implication is that they ‘lived happily ever after.’ But a closer reading (of this book anyway), one can see that this oversimplified view is wrong. Yet, perhaps to encourage us, authors leave us with the impression ‘do this’ and your marriage will be better.

[Ben Rush · Rating 3 out of 5]

True rating, 3.75

This book unpacks the concept of Attachment Theory with the purpose of establishing how our childhood imprints by our parents impact marriage. This is not difficult to imagine and the thesis is easy to validate.

I found several illustrations to be unnecessary. Much of the book could have been condensed.

I struggle with the idea that there are only 5 attachment imprints; and I found many of the childhood stories shared to be overly traumatic. I’m sure they happened but for those who had fairly normal childhoods, the stories just don’t connect. Since much of the book centers around how our parents impacted us, there is not enough application on how current parents can improve / avoid repeating mistakes of their parents. Although - it doesn’t take much to read between the lines. I’ve purchased the corresponding workbook and their other book by this title for parents.

The first half of the book was very helpful. The second half was too long. This book is very accessible and practical. It’s not a theology of marriage book, so if that’s what you’re looking for - skip this and read Keller’s book on Marriage.

Overall this is one of the better marriage books I’ve read.

[Alyssa Mayer · Rating 5 out of 5]

My (single mid-30s) sister was given this book and told to ignore the title because the content is applicable to people regardless of marital status. She read it and said it changed her life. I bought it but I didn’t read it right away (I’m also single in mid 30s). Understanding healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and patterns doesn’t seem like an issue... until it is. And when it is, you wish you’d taken the time to dig into these things sooner. I wish I’d read this ten years ago. Nowadays, the trend is toward singleness and getting married later in life. I wish the authors would edit this book and repackage it to target a broader target audience. Demographics are changing, even in Christian circles.

[Hannah Beth (Hannah's Book Cafe) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me crying or tearing up for almost the whole thing. All of the stories of people's pasts were very eye opening. I learned a lot about myself and it also helped me understand my parents better as well and why we are all the way that we are.

I like the practical advice that was given to help make your marriage stronger. This is a great read for anyone.

[Becky Giovagnoni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much of this book goes along with other stuff I'm learning about attachment theory and emotion focused therapy. The labels are a bit different, but the concepts are the same. Very helpful and practical.

[Nathaniel McVay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Necessary read. I don’t care who you are. Easy to digest. Whether married, dating, or single, this book will help you out in your journey to loving others while helping you properly process the love and comfort that you yourself need.

[Franchesca Castro · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this book as a joke because my BOSS recommended it to me but i skipped all the god stuff and actually learned some useful things (i have a vacillator love style) and now i feel weird because i was a kid just yesterday and now i’m reading self help books and making goals about how to be a better partner ??? wtf

[Elysia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five stars because I think this is the most useful and clear book on attachment that I’ve read. I like that the authors look at patterns like the habits we’ve learned, and offer suggestions for how to grow, as opposed to naming a habit/pattern/relationship or attachment style as though it is an identity.

[Christine Hoover · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book and workbook have been incredibly helpful to us in our marriage. Very practical and eye-opening.

[Rachelle Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really well-written and unlike any other marriage book I’ve ever read. Looking forward to ordering the workbook.

[Chris Risley · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are parts of this book that some people would find extremely helpful, but overall it's not in my top five on marriage

[Lexi C · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone on planet Earth needs to read this