Reality-Based Leadership: Ditch the Drama, Restore Sanity to the Workplace, and Turn Excuses into Results

by Cy Wakeman, Larry Winget (Foreword)

Leadership strategies grounded in reality and focused on results

Recent polls show that 70% of workers think about quitting their jobs every day. That number would be shocking—if people actually were quitting. Worse, they go to work, punching time clocks and collecting pay checks, while completely checked out emotionally. In Reality-Based Leadership, bestselling author and leadership expert Cy Wakeman reveals how to be the kind of leader who changes the way people think about and perceive their circumstances. This no-nonsense guide shows you how to deal with the facts, give helpful and clear feedback to employees, and kindly help others focus their effort on their personal contribution, not the rampant workplace drama.Filled with dynamic examples, innovative tools, and diagnostic tests, Reality-Based Leadership shows you how to become a Reality-Based

Uncover destructive thought patterns within yourself and others Diffuse drama and lead the person in front of you Empower others to focus on facts and think for themselves Stop managing and start leading If you're ready to lead more and manage chaos less, Reality-Based Leadership will empower you to do so!

Genres: Leadership, Nonfiction, Business, Professional Development, Management, Self Help, Personal Development

200 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 13, 2010

Reviews

[R.C. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short, useful, sometimes flawed. I'm of two minds about this book. On the one hand, I nodded along to about 75% of it. It is a very concise, useful treatment of practical ways to deal with real-life issues at work. Most useful, I find, are the ideas of not fighting reality (by wasting time on complaining or internal stories), ditching the idea of being "right", trusting others as a default and dealing with the fallout only if needed, and a good deal of her advice for how to communicate bad news, deal with angry responses, and reframe limiting ideas.

On the other hand, the book had two big problems, for me. First, it is quite biased to be pro-boss/employer. There's a lot of emphasis on not fighting change, don't question the plan if you've not been asked to contribute to it, always look for ways to help, don't complain or whine, etc. etc. This is all well and good if the plan is good and everyone who has good ideas has already been consulted. Not so useful when the boss is bad and plan is half-baked because no one consulted with people on the ground. If I notice a problem that will make this plan fail...I'm not supposed to mention it? In general, a section on how to deal with some "bad boss" issues would have been incredibly valuable.

Second, the author sometimes frames her advice in always/nevers that are unreasonable. The biggest example was in how to deal with employee feedback. In the beginning, the author is obviously hitting hard with the "ditch the drama" hammer, and says when someone comes to you with a problem, you should turn it around and ask how they are helping to solve this problem. But then later on, she discusses how if people come to you with problems, that often they cannot solve them on their own and thus the problem might need multidisciplinary help to solve. So...which is it? I think that a little more nuance in this area and a few others would have been useful and led to a lot fewer kneejerk "well, that statement is obviously oversimplified" reactions from me.

[Beth Hatch · Rating 5 out of 5]

We talk more about people than we do to people. We ourselves judge and the minute we start judging we're not leading, we're not serving, and we're not even learning. We can't expect people to add value when we don't. We spend too much time on our worst performers and don't reward our best performers. Instead of attempting to fix their world, help them understand their world differently so that they themselves can be their own solution - Cy Wakeman

I enjoyed this book as a tool to help leaders understand what they can do - help staff come up with solutions and reinforce personal accountability - and what they can't do - make everyone happy and make their job or organization perfect.

[A · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you like to lick boots, you will love this book. There’s no sympathy for the worker. There’s only absoluteness in the language used. A book about leadership that dehumanizes the employees the reader is supposed to be leading. Shifting the blame from the employer to the employee, citing that employees are supposed to be just as excited about their job as the leadership. This cannot be the case and is not grounded within reality.
This book is garbage. There are kernels of truth wrapped around disgusting dialog. At one point, the author compares employees to Elephants in zoos. They said that they get stuck in a mentality and could simply, break free, but chose not to. This same language was utilized by slave owners. But that’s the whole point of the book, right? Manipulate those lower than you for the sole purpose of productivity. Claiming that happiness solely comes from accepting the outcome of results and utilizing language that enforces this belief is just another form of subconscious rethinking. There are a lot of “YOU WILL LEARN” statements in this book. Again, subconsciously forcing the reader to believe this statement is truth.
A red flag of this book is the fact that the book has blatant foreshadowing. “IN CHAPTER X YOU WILL LEARN X.” This type of language, not only throws the reader off the current train of thought, but reinforces that the idea they just learned is a building block to the next, more complex, idea. Bestie, I’m in chapter 1 part 1. I’m trying to retain the information you’re writing in circles around me NOW, not worry about what I’ll learn later in the book. I know the next idea is not that complex where I need to be warned about it ahead of time.
Another red flag would be the fact that the author asked a list of questions & the outcome was all negative answers. The manipulation of data reinforces the idea to the reader that the reader’s workplace is dramatic & the reader needs to keep reading to fix it. Uh, I answered 1 yes question and now my peaceful office is a dramatic workplace? That goes against what you just taught within the book.
I feel like this book has repetitive language and circular ideas to make it seem important. These ideas aren’t /bad/ but they’re not grounded wholly in reality… which is funny because the whole book is about “Reality-based leadership.”

All in all, I think this book is made for novice capitalistic grinders trying to understand how to lead with some shred of humanity. I abandoned it after Chapter 1 part 1 because I was sick of the language and examples used. A lot of this is common sense to me, but I also went to college for business, so maybe that’s my privilege speaking from the other side of the paywall.

[Kelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

After literally letting this book linger on my "currently reading" shelf for almost 9 years, I went back and re-read what I had started years ago and finished the entire book in a few hours. This book has a lot of logical, no nonsense approaches to dealing with leading teams and not getting sucked into the daily dramas or the working world. I recommend this for anyone who leads teams and feels like they are on a hamster wheel, i.e., dealing with the same situations over and over but not making any discernible progress.

[Marcia Call · Rating 3 out of 5]

I borrowed this book from a colleague last year and finally picked up this year to read it. I just hadn't been in the mood for a business book, however, having cracked the cover I found it to be an enjoyable and practical book. There are some exercises but not too many so you can read it straight through without being distracted by what you should be doing with the content. I liked it so much I even highlighted certain paragraphs and wrote others down in my journal ... Oops, it's not my book! :)

[Olga · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is probably the best, most actionable business book I have read so far. It gave me lots of food for thought and I know I will be referring back to it for a long time. I disagree with negative reviews claiming that workers are met with instrumental treatment in this approach. I *am* an individual contributor, not a manager, and this book helped me figure out how to adjust my mindset to feel happier and more fulfilled. I like the name „*reality-based* leadership” because it’s truly what it is about - looking at facts rather than stories we tell ourselves. The advice might be hard to swallow at times but is ultimately helpful.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lent to me by my new boss as we have had discussions detailing the very issues addressed in this book. In my years overseeing staff, I can say with 100% certainty on my part that people are the most difficult resource to manage. Wakeman gave some really good advice on dealing with drama, whiners, and those hesitant to change. I struggle sometimes in a supervisory/leadership role because I just expect people to show up and do their job, like me. HA! The ridiculous and petty matters that have been brought to my attention are astounding. There are always things we can work on and improve though, so I will try and use her advice in the future.

[Terry Combs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought-provoking look at leading i. today's complex environment. The author takes you on a journey of self-examination by asking you to challenge most of what you have been taught about leadership and management. If you will take seriously the journey, it will bring you to new insights and actions that have immense potential to move you and your organization forward. This book is well worth the time and effort, and even better if done with others to discuss.

[Tiffanie22 · Rating 4 out of 5]

My supervisor shared a YouTube video of Cy talking about buy-in and I was intrigued by her thinking. I like the No-nonsense approach laid out in this book and will be referring to this book often for guidance in my leadership journey. Highly recommend!

[Michelle Sauvageau · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was exactly the book and message I needed to read right now. Don’t read this if you’re not in a mindset to look in the mirror and feel convicted about your own actions and behaviors, as well as others.

The central messaging lies in sticking to facts, not drawing conclusions or making assumptions, but instead assuming positive intent, and doing the next best thing for success, not being right.

[Latonya · Rating 4 out of 5]

By becoming a Reality-Based leader, this book will teach you how to ditch the drama, find peace at work, restore sanity in the workplace, and lead your team to results. The author is a straight shooter and offers perspective that's reminiscent of a well-lived aunt.

[Sussabi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nuggets of wisdom strewn about weirdly hostile instructions on how to be a good corporate drone. While reframing excellent and timeless spiritual advice about accepting the world as it is instead of how we think it should be, this book ignores realities of systemic and personal exploitation that frequently exist in the workplace, that many people have no choice but to endure in order to feed themselves and keep a roof over their heads. It ignores that upper-echelons of leadership, especially in larger organizations, organically become political when removed from the day to day mission of the organization out of a sense of self-preservation. It also ignores the reality that most of life is rife with grey areas and that good intentions of people in power amount to little if the impact is an overworked, underpaid workforce. This felt like a book written for the 90s, but in 2025, I would not lead with this attitude, nor would I be confident in a leader who strictly followed the philosophy of this book. The best leaders I know, the ones who have brought out my best work, don't sugarcoat and don't engage in false positivity. This book doesn't think too hard about these things, and arguably encourages folks not to think too hard at all.

[Tama · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anybody who know me shouldn't laugh about this! I was introduced to Cy Wakeman by a college friend who is also a program director. I am not sure what was more important in this book, the reality based leadership style she promotes, or the authority/responsibility that she installs to cut the drama. I have read and/or listened to arts of this book before. I recently listened to it again, in the car this time. It is a book that you can retread over and over in order to reinforce the meaning. Probably the best phrase I picked up to use for "those who tel me all about a problem in hopes thatI will fix it for them is, "good to know." It really works and absolves you from fixing their problems.

[Lea · Rating 4 out of 5]

By no means a work of literature, ground-breaking philosophy nor critical read of history or current events-- but a clear and valuable read on effective and responsible leadership and management. Hits uncomfortably close to home for me and, I suspect, for many. Let's hope I've thoroughly digested what I've read...

[Kaitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a work book club read for me. It's been 13 years since this book was published and it did not age well. It read like it was written by a privileged white man; it's specifically dated and ableist.

There were some diamonds in the rough, things that did resonate with me and I will hang on to. But overall, it was very frustrating to read.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended by my boss who lent me her copy. I liked how the author distinguished between managing and leading. It was a quick read and overall okay. Some parts were less interesting. I probably wouldn't have read this without my boss's urging.

[Mike · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author had a very preachy tone I did not enjoy. Not really any new ideas in this book.

[Old Man · Rating 5 out of 5]

What are your favorite quotes from the book?
“Stress is not caused by what happens to us; it is caused by the stories we tell ourselves about what happens to us.”
“Overreactions come straight from the ego, whereas the resolution to take the next right action comes from selflessness, from the desire to serve the greater good. The best leadership decisions are made from a place of
equanimity and neutrality, when you keep an open mind, martial your energy, and accurately size up a situation before moving forward. Many of us don't realize how deeply attached we are to being right and to the approval of others.”
“Work to be successful rather then right.”
“The difference between management and leadership is that management is working on your business, and leadership is working on your people.”
“There may not be an I in team but there certainly is an I in win! And in productivity, improvement, and competition.”
“Empowerment without accountability is chaos.”
“People usually don’t sue you for firing them; they sue you for how they made you feel.”
“When faced with a situation that could be our greatest teacher, our first impulse is always to run.”
“If you have ever contemplated sending your people on a team-building course or a costly off-site, save yourself a lot of effort by teaching them one key question instead:"How can I help? This question, and the spirit in which it is asked, are the heart and soul of a healthy group dynamic. In most offices, both the question and the attitude are all too rare.”

What is a specific real world application that you will be able to make from what you learned in this book?
“I have seen more chaos from surveys then solutions and the following really solidify why this has been the case.
“The system is broken. The flawed assumption at the heart of the traditional employee survey is that all of the ideas and opinions you glean from these surveys are of equal value. The problem is that a certain percentage of your workers are low on personal accountability, and you only perpetuate their victim mindset by asking them to enumerate their complaints on a survey.” I really like the following line of questioning for surveys as it puts the improvements requested and how to get them in place back onto those who own those processes and truly have the ability to change their situation. “If you are a leader who wants to dispense with time-consuming satisfaction surveys and implement this concept tomorrow, simply ask for each employee's response to two questions: "What is the one thing you need to be more productive in your work?" and then, "What are three things you are willing to do to get that which you have requested?”

What is the one thing that you think you will do differently or think differently about since you read the book?
“Every business book points to the importance of vision, but they fail to mention the single most important aspect of this idea: if your vision only excites those who stand to benefit personally, it is not a true vision. At best a self-serving vision is an emnotional bribe. At worst, it's an anti-incentive that saps people's motivation. Call people to greatness by making the vision about something bigger than any of you.” When evaluating a vision I will ask/look to understand if it is selfish or selfless.

“What the research didn't ask is whether trust is generated by the senior executives' actions or by the employees' choices. Many of the current theories and seminars on Trust in the Workplace are based upon a flawed premise about the origins of trust. Here's the reality check: Trust is not something people earn; it is a choice that people make based upon their faith in their own competencies and abilities. It has little to do with the leader and everything to do with the individual team members.” This is very interesting in that I think about how I cannot own another’s problems but this means that I don’t own their trust which makes sense.


What is one point you disagreed with, or at least questioned, in this book?
“It is more than appropriate (and completely legal) to reward those who contribute the most to the success of your organization. Your best performers deserve a disproportionate share of your time and attention, so put aside any anxiety you might have over playing favorites in the office.” I think this is walking a dangerous line as it will make lower preforms resent you and destroy camaraderie and culture. If they are low performers that you are going to ignore then maybe they should no longer be employees.

[Jenna Langel · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

I think this book had some really good ideas and thought-provoking topics. I felt it was hard to relate/personalize some aspects for me, as I do not manage a team. There were several parts I was able to take away, however.

Honestly, this book gave me feelings of resentment in several ways. One chapter was on not judging people. As I was reading, I was continually thinking of a few leaders in mind and how they would do benefit from this book, and probably will never read it/grow in this way. (Queue the judgment! 😬😩) Earlier on in the book, she talks about getting to a point in conversations to help ditch the drama. I’ve never felt more annoyed at work for people talking about frivolous things. (Part one was “Find Peace at Work”; queue the stress though!) While we have a book club at work, which is the reason why I read this book, I feel like we need so many more people to read and buy in before I could really feel good about all of this.

I appreciated how short and concise the book was, but I didn’t love the way the author wrote some of the time. I had a hard time getting through the book, and perhaps that was because I had a hard time envisioning elements from the book in my current life/role. The first portion was the most applicable/helpful. I would reread this if my role were to change to a mgt position.

My biggest takeaway was to focus on the problem right in front of you. I really liked the conclusion — it summarized the short book up well.

A few notes:
- Page 2: so interesting
- Page 15- I wonder if I have high personal accountability.
- [ ] Page 25- “What do we know for sure?” And “How can I help?”
- [ ] Page 26 contains an exercise to use whenever you’re stressed.
- [ ] Page 32- ‘A great mentor once told me, "Cy, whatever is missing in a situation is that which you are not giving. You go first." So, when I sat around the conference table with people who I was judging as closed-minded, she would ask me what was needed in that room. And I would say, "Open-mindedness.” And she would say, "That is what you need to give." ‘
- [ ] Page 32- ‘Some might say that giving more when you feel a lack is a position of weakness. I would argue that it's actually a position of quiet strength. ‘
- [ ] Page 33- ‘The best leadership decisions are made from a place of equanimity and neutrality, when you keep an open mind, martial your energy, and accurately size up a situation before moving forward.’
- [ ] Pg 36- confidence moves you forward, ego holds you back.
- pg 43 “give and create”
-pg 46- insightful

[Aseel]

The book was wonderful! After listening To Cy speak at a conference, I couldn't help but get the book to keep building on what she shared with us.

The book is very engaging and easy to read and follow. When I started reading the book, I found myself highlighting almost every line. That's how valuable every topic was. It's also truly different that any other leadership book I read, because it's "based on reality" vs. perfection and ideal scenarios.

After working for a large corporation for many years, and as a leader, we get brainwashed into focusing on perfection and we are made to believe that our job is to make people/ our teams happy, because that is what is going to make them engaged and productive. However, in reality we are just feeding the monster when we don't help people understand reality and adapt to change. The book helps corrects that mindset. It also provides practical tips and approaches to leading based on reality. Another great aspect of the book is that it targets the reader; how can I become a better leader, how change starts with me first, not how can I change my team.

My key learning was story-telling; we as human beings tend to over complicate situations by telling ourselves stories that are far from reality and get wrapped in our emotions. I learned to stick to the facts. Common sense but very easy to forget.

Overall, I liked the book and its concepts enough that I recommended it to many of my coworkers, and I actually gave it to one of my teammates to read.

[Jaron Dunford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Notes:

Your judgement, plus your beliefs, becomes your story = stress.

The source of your suffering is not what happens to you, but the stories your create about what happened to you.

Happiness is not correlated to perfect circumstances or lack of stress, but the amount of accountability you accept.

Respond to facts, not the story
1-What do I believe in this moment
2-What do I know for sure

Professional courtesy is extended the benefit of the doubt to others -- always

What is missing in a situation is that which you are not giving --> What do we know for sure and what can you do to help

Respect and gratitude should be your default setting. Reactions come from our egos. Right action comes from our commitment to working towards a goal.

Management is working on your business, leadership is working on your people.

Reframe from one which you are victim to one in control

Questions to ask a troubled employee
1-What is your goal at work
2-What has you approach been
3-How is that working for you
4-My observations of your approach have been....how far am i off?
5-What would you like to change in the approach
6-What can you commit to today

It's us against the world and well show them encourages a victim mentality

Ambiguity is the source of all conflict

[Cathy Konopa · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's something about this business, self-help genre that always makes me a little skeptical. The biggest reason is the obligatory introductory chapter that ends up being more infomercial and self-promotion than helpful. This is no exception. Wakeman ends her first chapter with, "I've helped more than 150,000 people on their way to becoming Reality-Based Leaders. Read on if you want to join our revolution."

Not only that, but so many of these books build on concepts that were created by someone else. In this case, the book echoes Stephen Covey and his concepts of circle of concern and circle on influence in his "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." Covey himself admitted that his own work was built on his predecessors' works.

Still, this book is made unique by the depth into which it explores Covey's circles. There really is some useful information about personal accountability and the leader's role in creating an environment where employees take personal accountability seriously.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will be a book I will refer to time and time again to remind myself of how to lead effectively. I’m in between roles of being an individual contributor and people leader/manager at my job so I feel like the lessons I’ve learned from this book will help with that transition. Many of the examples she gave in the book I have seen similar situations play out in real life so now I feel more equipped in handling those situations.

Quotes

“What you give to others is what you get back most of the time”

“Conflict are rarely about personality or incompetence, it results from ambiguity in the team’s goals, roles, and procedures.”

“The minute you start judging is the very minute you quit leading, serving, and adding value”

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

“The more responsibility you take for your results/life, the happier you will be”

[Halle Piacente · Rating 4 out of 5]

How do we engage more- talk to one another, create ideas, plans of action, how to attack goals, motivate and teach one another.
Learn to ditch strategies that aren’t working, anticipate change and see it as an opportunity.
Most drama is self created. Suffering is optional.
If you encourage complaining and making excuses for results, you encourage a victim mentality.
Hold ourselves accountable to be productive no matter the circumstances.
Influence is one of the strongest qualities a leader can exhibit.
Instead of asking why is this happening, ask how can I add value?
Learn how to absorb constructive criticism.
Loved the negative brainstorming- a constructive way to get concerns out on the table and give dissent a place within a healthy team dynamic.

[Missy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chapter 4: "Ask yourself: 1) What do we know for sure? and 2) What can you do to help?"

Chapter 5: "This tendency to demote oneself really comes from fear and lack of trust. We get into fight-or-flight mode and the stress hormone cortisol starts to call the shots. Then our inner control freak comes out, and we start telling everyone else how to do their jobs. When this happens, take a deep breath and know that your people are smart enough to manage the details for themselves. Remind yourself that engagement and happiness are correlated to personal responsibility, and that your people can't develop if you micromanage them."

[Theresa Jehlik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wakeman's approach to leadership is direct and no-nonsense. Her essential message is that you need to take your ego out of any situation and respond only to the facts and the reality that surrounds those facts. She tackles such topics as working only with the willing, thinking inside the box, and giving her take on popular management mantras such as "There's no I in Team". This book would provide lots of fodder for a rousing discussion on how best to lead and manage people. I really appreciate that the author's style doesn't hit you over the head by repeating the same material multiple times. Instead the author conveys her message, with multiple examples, in less than 200 pages.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Remarkable book. Very blunt, very to the point, but powerful stuff. I found myself taking notes with almost each sentence. Humorous at times, but also just really strong stuff. Very well written. Even has a section on surviving Emergencies and Disasters as a leader, which comes in very helpful during 2020. Highly recommend this plus her other book, No Ego. Start with No Ego first - it gives some context to what she is saying here. After reading No Ego, plunge right into this book with a pen and highlighter in hand. You will want to take all the notes!

[Tina Bunag · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives you multiple ideas to deal with magnitude of issues we all face on a daily basis with dealing with people.
A good read for leaders new and old. It’s simple and relatable. So many take aways!
I also like Chapter 6 – Change is a fact of Life…. Get over it! …And How to bullet proof your employees. It talks about looking at change as an opportunity on which we need to capitalize.
It also touched the will to resolve and move through conflict very quickly.

[Beckie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the premise of this book but it is always hard to integrate even the best advice and learnings after reading. I enjoyed the QBQ approach and always turning the thinking of 'why is this happening to me or why is this person putting me in this situation' to 'What can i do to handle the change, etc.". In this era of change it would also be helpful if more people could adapt the 'good to know' strategy when confronted with yet another change.

[Sydney Conrad · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Cy Wakeman's approach to leadership and unconventional HR practices. With this book she both inspires and coaches you to be a more productive leader by ditching the drama, focusing on facts, working with the willing and focusing on taking action that will get results.

This books is a good how-to guide to be an effective reality based leader. I marked several passages for reference and will keep this nearby to help me navigate the twists and turns of future leadership challenges.