The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective

by Stuart Scott, John F. MacArthur, Jr. (Foreword)

God ordained marriage between a man and a woman for companionship, procreatioin, and so man would have a "helper suitable." However, God says much more in the Bible about husbands loving their wives than He says about wives submitting to their husbands. He created marriage to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church. Christ was willing to sacrifice His life for the Church, and God expects no less from husbands today. The overall purpose of "The Exemplary Husband" is to assist husbands toward purposeful and lasting Christlikeness for the glory of God. It was written to be the companion book for "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. Foreword by John MacArthur.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Counselling, Family, Christian Living, Theology, Nonfiction

449 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Elizabeth Tuecke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew.

As a unmarried young woman who has never been in a relationship, theoretically, this book applies to me….zero percent.

Yet, wow guys, am I glad I read it.

Honestly, I just feel so convicted. This book calls the heart out to such a Christocentric calling (which, as a woman, I will obvs have different practical applications than those laid out specifically in this volume…but my future husband’s Lord is still my Lord and the heart attitude is the same) and I can’t help but fall to my knees in the realization of how much of my life is focused on myself, not Christ.

Also, can I just take a minute to appreciate how powerful men, husband or not, are in the Kingdom of God?? (Sounds stupid, I know, but bear with me.) To all of y’all out there—I’d like to voice something for the feminine side of the Church: You guys are literally fire. Without you, we’d have no leaders, no protectors, nothing to glorify and fulfill, and therefore no dominion would be taken. I just wanna encourage you—look around at the ladies you are dear to & know are the greatest examples of Christ in our lives. If you are a man, you don’t need me to tell you what to do (haha you can read the book yourself) but I just want to encourage you—it inspires us to the highest degree when we see Christ in you. Please don’t see it as a weak task, growing in grace & gentleness & godliness. Learning leadership & stewardship, memorizing & studying the Word, etc. It’s the most comforting thing to see your man on his knees, and guaranteed nothing makes us prouder.

ANYWAY, I’ll end that rant there. I don’t mean to get in anybody’s business ahaha, I just wanted throw my small voice out there just in case some guy who’d happen to kindly read this has forgotten how much of an impact he makes with his relationship to Christ. It just matters…so much.

A final thought: in a perfect world I think this book would be powerful bundled with Micheal Foster’s It’s Good to Be A Man. It seems to me that much of what I personally found missing in Fosters book was brought strongly and graciously to attention in An Exemplary Husband. Yet Foster’s encouragement in pursing manliness also seems to be a sharp & vital sword against the enemy for men of God. 🤷‍♀️ Idk. I’ll end this review now. Haha

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very comprehensive work on the roles and duties of a husband. Highly recommended.

[Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book to help a man understand how to be the kind of Husband God desires. Dr. Scott covers everything from basic communication, to dealing with idols of the heart, to fear and anxiety, and sexual sin. An excellent resource for husbands and biblical counselors.

[Jean Pierre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is probably one of the most beneficial books I've read in a while. As a person aspiring to be an exemplary husband to my future wife, this book convicted me many times as well as taught me. I knew that there was a lot that I needed to change in order to be a godly husband but MAN this book showed me that I am nowhere close to where I need to be. By God's grace, I'll get there in due time. Parts 3 (A Husband's Resolves) & 4 (A Husband's Regrets) in the book were probably the most beneficial chapters for me personally. That's not to say that I did not benefit greatly from the first 2 parts as well because I most certainly did. I encourage anybody who is single and preparing for marriage, married, or engaged to be married to make the investment and purchase this book. You will not regret reading this book.

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Exemplary Husband did a reasonable job of assembling scriptures and topics together under the themes of marriage, responsibility, and Christ-likeness. At times, I felt that this book was very dry and impersonal. Stuart Scott was very direct in his writing -- to the extreme of having several bulleted sections in each chapter to organize his thoughts. It wasn't so much the directness that I minded, but his approach lacked in ability to converse with the reader. However, every few chapters he would do a fantastic job when his humanity showed through a bit. I especially enjoyed the chapter on love.

This book is not recommended for the reader looking for inspiration. It reads more like a reference book, and in that regard has a lot of topical content that is easy to find, with the added challenge to apply these Biblical principles to a man's life.

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

One aspect that I appreciate about this book is its focus on Scripture, as opposed to pop sociology, secular psychology, or anthropology.

[Seth de Reus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very challenging helpful resource for me as a husband. Did I mention challenging? Also, resource.

[Jessica Duff · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s probably cheating to mark this as read because I just skimmed it 😛 But even so, it was clear from the excerpts that this is an absolutely stellar book. 5 stars for the bits I read and also for all the good things I’ve heard about it.

[Chris Delany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, theological perspective with plenty of scripture for reasoning.
The parts on leading and loving your wife (eg. live with her in an understanding way) were very helpful, as well as the deep dive into man's struggles with lust, anger, and anxiety.

[Jonathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books is dry and heavy. Scott doesn’t put a lot of personality into his writing, but it is full of Scripture and clear interpretations. Truth is engaging.

This is a study of Jesus’ love, care, and shepherding of His church, which does two things:
1. Causes us to worship Him.
2. Allows us to compare ourselves, as husbands to our wives, to Jesus as our (collective with the Church) husband. We fall short on every mark, but get to repent and pray for growth.

[Brandon Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am now equipped to be an exemplary husband.

Okay, maybe not, but that's hardly this book's fault. It was thorough and biblically based and /really/ down to earth and not heady or theoretical or hard to apply.
Only reason it missed that last star is that I finished reading and I'm still single. lol

[John Botkin · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was much wisdom to gain from Scott’s book. I appreciate the various angles he uses to come at the main idea of being mature men and husbands from a biblical perspective. He’s done a great job of marrying the Bibles’ teaching with practical application, giving numerous examples in real world scenarios.

I can see three areas for improvement. First, some of the illustrations and wording feels very dated. I also think more could be said about the husband’s repentance towards his wife. There is a big focus on how to deal with a wife who is sinning, but not vice versa. Less important, the book suffers from inconsistent formatting and editorial errors. Aside from these minor criticisms, the book is worth well worth reading.

[Luke Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid read for married men and prospective husbands alike. Scott provides helpful advice in the many different areas of a Christian husband’s life without becoming repetitive. In spite of somewhat frequent confusing graphs and some dated financial advice, I would recommend this to be read by a group of likeminded men who seek to love the Lord and their wives better.

[clara sylvester · Rating 5 out of 5]

an excellent book. comprehensive, nuanced, really practical. holistically better than the excellent wife — although you could argue that they covered different categories. will use this book for all people, not just husbands — helpful categories and homework in this book.

[Micah Crowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was such a needed reminder! The book is so centered on scripture too, not just man’s own opinion. I like how it tackles many angles and address key qualities one must have, and sins one must avoid.

[Jonathan Duff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gotta lot of work to do now ig. @brandon I gave it five stars because I expect to not stay single lol

[Jared Rasmussen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great in-depth resource on being a godly husband. Felt like I could sense the writers beliefs and doctrine behind specific pieces of scripture, but this is mans interpretation of Gods Word and not Gods interpretation. Overall, a great read and extremely applicable.

[Brenden Wentworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read over the course of a few months with a friend for discipleship. It was really good overall. Can be repetitive at points, but definitely comprehensive and biblically based!

[Aidan Garcia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pretty good book overall and quite helpful. I appreciated how almost everything that was said was tied to a passage of Scripture rather than just a “rule out of thin air”.

[Daniel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Schade, dass der Autor homophob ist und den Glauben am Ende nutzt, um seine Kleinggeistiggkeit zu legitimieren. Hätte ein spannender Impuls sein können, ist aber eher eine konservative Doktrin in neuem Gewand.

[Blue Morse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! Probably the first theological / Christian-living book I've given 5 stars by an author who's still alive. While the title is obviously aimed at husbands, this book would bless any man or even woman striving toward godliness (of note, there is a companion version aimed at women called "The Excellent Wife" however my wife actually prefers this version). At times it read like a spiritual disciplines book with a lot of sound practical advice rooted in scripture and in Stuart Scott's own personal experience as a biblical counselor.

Scott opens by reflecting that twenty years ago, "I wished there had been a book I could read before and throughout my marriage that would guide me in the basics of being a godly man and a godly husband ... the overall purpose of this book is to assist husbands toward purposeful and lasting Christlikeness for the glory of God."

I also appreciated the myriad visuals throughout the book that supported the text as well as the appendixes in the back that are very practical (ex: 31 daily reminders on how to treat one another, budget worksheet, etc).

This is one I'll be keeping on my shelf as a constant reference and go-to recommendation for others.

Top Quotes from each chapter.

Ch1: A Husband's Understanding of His Present Condition
- "To be 'exemplary' is: To serve as an improving copy of our perfect pattern, Jesus Christ, by deliberately focusing on and practicing His likeness."

Ch2: A Husband's Understanding of God
- "The exemplary husband will also seek to do nothing of his own initiative (John 8:28-29), but rather place God's will over and above his own (Luke 22:41-42)." ... "What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." - AW Tozer

Ch 3: A Husband's Understanding of Man and Sin
- "I cannot guarantee that if you devote yourself to God and His will that your wife will respond in kind ... I can guarantee that the same God who died for your sins and rose again will never leave or forsake you, no matter what the circumstances (Heb 13:5-6). I can assure you that you can (by grace) walk with God and be His kind of man (Col 1:9-12). And, I can tell you with certainty that if you are a believer, one day you will see Christ face to face (Rev 22:$). It is in focusing on these sureties that you will find joy in your pilgrimage to heaven."

Ch4: A Husband's Understanding of Relationships
- "Our focus is to be on loving God and loving others for God's glory, not on having personal desires met."

Ch5: A Husband's Understanding of Marriage
- "Both husband and wife should seriously consider the picture they are painting to a watching world. Husband, are you portraying Christ's demonstration of love and leadership to the Church? ... Since marriage is the closest of relationships, it provides the greatest potential for self-denial and obedience to the relational principles of God's Word."

Ch6: A Husband's Understanding of His Role
- "The husband-wife relationship is not a boss-employee, a commander-soldier, or a teacher-student relationship. It is a love relationship in which two adults become united as one. Within this union, one partner lovingly takes the lead and the other willingly and actively supports that lead."

Ch7: A Husband's Responsibility, Worshiping Christ Only
- "When we make something other than God our primary focus and goal we are clearly engaged in idol worship. We worship what we believe we desperately need or must have in order to be happy."

Ch8: A Husband's Responsibility, Love
- "It is only through this understanding and appreciation of God's great love toward us that we can begin to love others with the right motives and to have enduring love."

Ch9: A Husband's Responsibility, Leadership Part 1
- "As much as possible, our leadership needs to have similar qualities as the shepherding done by God ... our perspective should not be that we love to rule, but that we rule to love."

Ch10: A Husband's Responsibility, Leadership Part 2
- "Strongly evaluate your wife's input and concerns, but also remember, you will answer to God for how you lead."

Ch11: A Husband's Responsibility, Physical Intimacy
- "Sexual intimacy is important for three reasons... fulfill oneness (Gen 2:24) ... fulfill the desires of one's partner (1 Cor 7:3-5) ... partake of the wonderful blessing of children (Gen 1:28)" ... "the sex act will then be the culmination of a loving relationship, rather than a means to gratify self."

Ch12: A Husband's Responsibility, Stewardship
- "God has made it very clear that no one has anything unless He has given it or allows it (1 Cor 4:7). God owns all things and has control over all things (Col 1:16). Because He has authority over them, HE can require faithfulness."

Ch13: A Husband's Resolve, Humility and Service
- [Pride] "The question is not, 'Do I have it?' but 'Where is it' and 'How much of it do I have?'" ... "Every Christian has a choice between being humble or being humbled." - Charles Spurgeon

Ch14: A Husband's Resolve, Sensitivity
- "We are to treat our wives in the way that we would a very delicate and useful vessel. In other words, we are to esteem her as valuable and handle her carefully." (1 Pet 3:7)

Ch15: A Husband's Resolve, Helping His Wife Deal with Her Sin
- "Although you are not the one who sanctifies, you must be like Christ in your desire to see her sanctified" (Eph 5:25-27).

Ch16: A Husband's Resolve, Good Communication
- "A marriage relationship is only as good as a couple's ability to send and receive the right message ... your communication will reveal the kind of man you really are, because what comes out of your mouth is usually what's in your heart."

Ch17: A Husband's Resolve, Conflict Resolution
- "One of the worst things a couple can do is work to change one another into each other's likeness. They are to be changed rather, into Christ's likeness ... conflicts happen when we must have something. Our desires may even be good desires in and of themselves, but when they become demands, they are sinful."

Ch18: A Husband's Regret, Anger
- "The heart of the problem is a problem of the heart ... before we can rid ourselves of anger we must admit that it is a sin problem and not blame it on a personality type, an inherited trait, or a chemical imbalance" (Gen 6:5, Jer 17:9, Matt 15:18-19, and Titus 3:3).

Ch19: A Husband's Regret, Anxiety and Fear
- "Husbands have great potential to worry because they have such great responsibility ... godly concern is caring about important things for the right reasons. It is also accompanied by a trust in God's ultimate control and faithfulness ... God want us to live in reality [fear], but at the same time He wants to bring Him into the picture" (Psalm 112:1,7,8a).

Ch20: A Husband's Regret, Lust
- "Men, the consequences of this sin are so harmful to your relationship with God and so devastating to your family, that if you do not deal with this sin through repentance, you will regret it. Do not be deceived" (2 Cor 4:16-17).

Ch21: When all is Said and Done
- "Men, we could sum up this entire book with these two points - love the Lord your God with all your heart, and lovingly lead and cherish your wife for the glory of God."

[Nick · Rating 3 out of 5]

This became so frustrating to read. Most of it was common sense, or so vague that there is very little that is helpful.

Don't hit your wife, don't abuse your kids, don't abuse your authority as a father and husband. Okay, people who do those things aren't reading this book. I'm reading this book because I want to be a better husband and father. These are not necessarily bad things to say, but he says them in virtually every chapter. I want to be better, there is room to improve, but I'm not starting at step 0 and need police intervention.

If it isn't that, it's very wishy-washy advice. Pray with your wife, talk about your feelings, communicate better. Again, not that these are bad things; and these are the things we can all do better, but this stuff is so vague it is unhelpful.

[Vincent Ng · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book recommended for everyone. It is written mainly for husbands, but young or older men would learn great and valuable lessons and also be challenged to think deeper about what God desires, the importance of relationships, and their selves. Read it!The book refers to Scriptures very often and is very applicable to a Christian in terms of dealing with issues Biblically.

[Sean Wood · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stuart Scott cannot be faulted for his knowledge, intellect and desire to uphold scripture - his book is crammed full of it, which is great; if I were giving him a rating purely on this I would have to give him five stars.

However, marriage is a mystical and marvellous institution founded on love, honesty, vulnerability and trust, but I found his book, sadly, mechanical and dry. I felt that it fails to do justice to the beauty and joy of marriage. I was left with the impression that marriage is an academic exercise and the formula for success in marriage lies simply in my ability to memorise scripture. We know in practice that marriage - and any sort of relationship for that matter - is more complicated than that.

I don’t recall Scott sharing a single story about himself. There is the odd story about poor, struggling couples that he has had the experience of counselling, but does he have anything practical to teach me from his experiences from his own marriage? Good pastors have the gift of being relatable to their congregants, or in this case, readers. Scott is disappointingly quiet about himself; there is a glaring absence vulnerability.

I’m so glad I also read Timothy Keller’s book, “The Meaning of Marriage”, whilst preparing to get married. Keller’s book is crammed full of real-life stories of success and failure, from his and his wife’s own experiences, that we can really relate to and learn from, as well as containing a good balance of scripture and biblical principles. His was a book that left me feeling more hopeful and actually excited about marriage; Scott’s, on the other hand, sadly just left me feeling bewildered.

[Adam Nesmith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Let me start off with a very positive statement: if you are a new Christian or maybe not yet married, this book contains a pretty thorough overview of key passages on a myriad of topics connected to being a Christian man, husband, and father.

However, if you have walked with the Lord for a while or are already married and dealing with more nuanced and complex issues, I think you would be better served by another book (“When sinners say I do”, my all time favorite marriage book, comes to mind…or “the meaning of marriage” is another classic).

What I mean is the author primarily gives you a bunch of Bible verses on different assorted topics but doesn’t give enough explanation or nuanced application to be helpful. Like I said, if you are a new Christian or maybe are unfamiliar with the Biblical passages that discuss marriage and family, having the texts simply presented to you might be helpful. But if you know the “raw data” but need wisdom on how to apply it, this book isn’t that helpful in my opinion.

Another major issues is this might be the most poorly formatted book I’ve ever read. Bold text everywhere. Lists that run for pages. Images, tables, and diagrams that are entirely too convoluted to be helpful (and half of them look like they were made using circa 2003 Clip art). Very little is written in narrative format and don’t get me started on the dozen appendices in the back that are equally convoluted.

So is this book bad? No. Does it contain truth? Yes. Is the formatting of the information bad? Yes. And most importantly: are there other Christian marriage books that cover similar ground but are better written and provide better practical wisdom? Yes yes yes.

[Tim Counts · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE go-to book for what it means to be a godly husband. Nine years ago I was challenged greatly & helped greatly by this book. I am forever grateful for the impact it had on me to grow in godliness as a husband. Scott’s principles, applications & implications are biblical. The book is Bible saturated! I have used it chapter by chapter to bring other men through at least 4 times & have led 2 Men’s Studies through the book. Always challenging & helpful & I have seen the Lord use it to bring tremendous growth.

My only complaint about the book is that sometimes it feels like Scott put all of his biblical counseling class notes into the book & did not edit them enough into a book. It is not the best writing; at times it is wooden. I have also found this to be a strength because some men who don’t like to read “just want the facts.” At other times though it is a weakness; for example, in the anxiety chapter he hardly applies it to being a husband! But I give it 5 stars because of its comprehensiveness & helpfulness to me and the church. Read it, share it, discuss it with your brothers in Christ & grow in glorifying God and loving your wife!

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

With topics ranging from sex to budgeting, anger to fear, and pride to lust, it blessed me to not only read this book, but also to discuss it with other men from my church, as well as with my wife from time-to-time. I am particularly thankful to God for how practical each chapter is. It is filled with biblical truth, yes. However, it doesn’t stop there. It asks tough application questions and provides helpful lists for immediate action and/or reflection.

Can you just read isolated chapters from this book based on your personal needs? Yes, but I recommend reading the whole thing from start to finish. You’ll be surprised how applicable every chapter is to your life. An added bonus is that the author has committed to pray for whoever reads it. I’ll take it! I need those prayers and am grateful for them.

Finally, the deepest desire of my heart resonates with the purpose of this book: To glorify God as I grow in Christlikeness that is not seasonal but truly lasts for the rest of my life. May God fulfill this purpose in your life as you read it.

[Brian Hallam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I critisized a book recently for having too many anecdotes and catering a secular audience (that’s not necessarily a bad thing, referencing the Bible doesn’t carry the same weight to unbelievers), but this book was the opposite. By far my favourite book on the theme of biblical husbandry/masculinity and a must-read for husbands (and future husbands 💁‍♂️) that want to honour God in their relationships. The Bible is a giant text with so much wisdom contained within, and Stuart Scott did a phenomenal job using the scriptures to explain HOW we are called to love our wives, with practical examples. Broken up into four parts: a husbands recognition, responsibilities, resolves, and regrets. Could have chosen hundreds of different underlines/highlights, but to conclude:

“Men, we could sum up this entire book with these two points - love the Lord your God with all your heart, and lovingly lead and cherish your wife for the glory of God.”

[Joshua Horn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be a good explanation of what the Bible calls husbands to be, with a emphasis on the theology and not just practical advice. Overall I found the book to be helpful, especially the ways that he talks about how you need to deal seriously with your own sin. I am striving to apply those in ways beyond what he was even speaking about.

There's a couple things I disagreed with him on. One was kind of strange - a one sentence description of the Trinity and the relationship between one God and three persons that I thought was incorrect. Another that was repeated several times was his view that the commandment to "be fruitful and multiply" was not a commandment but more like some advice?

[James Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very thorough book and like many self-improvement books, the most difficult task is the discipline to utilize the skills addressed. Similarly, like most marriage books, this one takes the focus off of the couple and puts it solely on the reader (husband). There is very little actual discussion in regards to whether the wife is truly at fault. I am not saying this is always the case and most of the time I am sure the husband is more concerned with himself than his relationship to God or his wife. However, there are few times when the wife is at fault and I believe there should be more said about how to get help for this, other than references to counselling. This is a book I will keep as a reference.