How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

by Linda J. MacDonald, Agnes Lawless (Editor), Bryan Hall (Illustrator)

Sometimes, upon discovery of an affair, the unfaithful person “wakes up” and wants to save his or her marriage. However, most betraying spouses are completely unprepared for the ensuing tumult, emotional roller-coaster, and trauma reactions by the injured partner. They often make terrible mistakes in their efforts to calm their spouses and stop the earthquake that has shaken their marriages to the core, inadvertently hastening the path to divorce.

As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, Linda J. MacDonald has identified certain behaviors on the part of unfaithful spouses that determine the success or failure to save their marriages.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" provides a practical road map for unfaithful spouses who wish to have another chance with their partners. Find out for yourself what the difference is between those who blow up their marriages in the aftermath of affairs and those who successfully manage to repair and rebuild their marriages into better-than-ever relationships.

“I regularly provide copies of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair to my clients who are facing this challenge. Unanim-ously they report, ‘That [book] was very helpful.’ I notice they continue to use it. I believe the expanded version will be even more helpful.”
—Earl D. Wilson, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, Portland, OR
Author of Steering Clear, and coauthor of
Restoring the Fallen
“Your material on helping spouses heal from an affair was absolutely excellent. I have counseled for twenty-five years and found it well-done, balanced, and accurate.”
—Jim Velez M.S., M.A., L.P.C., Portland, Oregon

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology, Marriage, Family

100 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 24, 2010

Reviews

[Tim]

Good tips

Now10 years on the other side of infidelity am I just reading this. Wish I had read a long time ago. However I do have good hindsight into what I could have done better and I agree with MUCH that's written here.

However the author recognized that people are unfaithful because of poor coping skills. That person typically doesn't have the means to do what's been outlined in this book and he/she are gonna get it wrong a lot. A lot of individual work must be done and if the couple chooses to stay together much of what is done early will be wrong. The betrayed partner who has already been through much is going to be asked to give a lot of grace. It's not fair I know. There are no easy answers. It's messy very messy

Also toward the end of the book the authors stated "The couple's pre-affair dynamics may need some degree of adjustment.". Talk about an understatement: may and adjustment. How about will definitely need major overhaul! One partner thought things were bad enough to commit adultery. There are always serious issues. This book dismissed 2 critical needs: the offenders work to be able to do what's prescribed in this book and the couple work needed to create a safe place of honest communication.

[Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies]

This was hard to read- but only because it was so spot on. Straight to the point, definitely for those who have wronged their loved one and need to hear what they did, how it hurt and what to do about it- probably the same as what the injured party feels but somehow it's more able to be heard when it's you seeking it out - not the person telling you.

[Linda J. J.]

Well, I am biased, as I am the author. I've sold 136,000 copies so far (all formats combined) and has over 2500 positive reviews. It is meant for those who've been unfaithful yet desire to save their marriages. I've received many appreciative letters from folks who thought this book was easy to read, step-by-step book helped them save their marriages. Some of you may know someone who might benefit from reading this practical, step-by-step manual to help people avoid typical mistakes that can doom recovery and to know how to handle touchy subjects with wisdom. Here's the link:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spou...

[DarkDamsel]

5 stars...

Sad I even needed this book...

[Maggie61]

This book is well worth that money and likely saved my marriage.

[Megan Lynn]

My ex and I purchased this ebook to work on recovering our relationship after his infidelity. I loved that it explained the different types of cheaters. I was able to quickly and VERY easily determine if he had it in him to really choose us, me, selflessness to make it. Unfortunately for my previous hope I knew he wouldn't be able to hang after reading it. But fortunately the education allowed me to make an informed decision not to drag myself through the process hoping we will make it. Although it stung him to hear me say that, he agreed "it's just not who he is" to accept responsibility for his actions or be able to be 100% honest. I needed that comparison to help me realize I should have left him long before. I appreciate the eye opener even though it hurts and I love him...Everything happens for a reason.

[Andrew Marshall]

I should stress that this book is really short - once you've taken away the introduction and appendix it's around sixty five pages. On the positive side, it would help who has been unfaithful but can't understand why their partner is so upset to begin to step into her or his shoes. However, MacDonald never strays far beneath the surface. There's little understanding of how someone who's been unfaithful wants to put things right but ends up sabotaging that goal - because he or she is overwhelmed by guilt, shame or an inability to cope with their partner's anguish. The advice for healing is fine - cut ties with affair partner, tell the truth, commit to making amends - but I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't fall off this wagon from time-to-time. Sadly, there's no help for when everything doesn't go quite so smoothly.

[TheBookworm.Therapist]

I take issue with the blaming, shaming undercurrent (both overt and covert) language in this book. Even from the beginning there is clear judgement even from the definitions of each partner. Let’s not reduce individuals to simplistic caricatures.

How can healing, connection, or shelter occur from underneath an umbrella of shame, blame, or judgement? This makes it impossible for an individual to feel safe enough to show up vulnerably and authentically. It is possible to hold someone accountable for their actions without hurling judgement and condemnation.

This is marketed by a licensed marriage and family therapist. I strongly believe that therapy is not about giving answers, placing blame, or telling an individual what to do or how to feel/think. If you agree with that statement then this book is not for you.

[kimberly barnes]

Honest....direct

After 32 years my husband was caught cheating. My world ended, it has been a week so I dont know how things will turn out. He has cried and apologized many times. He read this book 2 times so far and he has said it really opened his eyes to not only my pain and anger but to situations that he felt were innocent but lead him to betrayal. He says he doesnt know why he cheated, but that he loves me and our family and wants to work to become a better person, husband and father. Time will tell. He is reading many books on how to avoid temptations and how to help his family heal. Dont know how our situation will end but this book did help validate my feelings, thoughts and fears so I didnt feel like I was crazy. It is a good read for both spouses.

[Christopher Cross]

This book literally was the beginning of a new beginning of my marriage.

After weeks of destructive arguments filled with screaming, rivers of tears and every road sign leading towards divorce we came upon this savior. It did all the talking for the both of us and gave us the initial tools before we could get into counseling and work on years of poor communication as well as learning how to grow as a couple.

It’s been 17 months since our D-Day (Discovery Day) and our marriage has never been stronger.

Let me stress that this book is not for one side or the other nor is it about assessing blame. It’s about addressing what needs to be done to move forward.

[Sam Louie]

Concise with concrete action plan for the offending spouse

As a therapist in this field of sex addiction and affairs, many offending spouses have no idea how to listen, validate their betrayed partners’ feelings, and accept full responsibility for their actions… Linda does a wonderful job teasing out what needs to happen to regain trust and security in these traumatized relationships.

[Healing]

As the wife of a cheater, I can say that this book is perfect. The only problem is that the cheater is required to have a very strong character, but unfortunately got into this mess in the first place because of having a weak character. If the cheater is able to rise to the occasion and follow the recommendations listed in this book, he/she will have a much better chance of reconciliation.

[Christina+ Hunter the cat]

So much to unpack

This book has been a whirlwind for me. I am only a week and a day out from the day my wife discovered my infidelity. This book has helped me to make good choices regarding my response to her anger and sadness. Unfortunately, my wife is not willing to take me back. But this book is worth the read, if only for your self improvement.

[Jennifer Jarrell]

Great Book to Help Those Dealing with Infidelity

I am working on a degree in counseling, and this is an excellent resource for those who have experienced infidelity as well as those who wish to walk beside a friend as they go through the healing process.

[Dana Ehlers]

Fabtastic

Very factual and reflective in my personal journey through an affair. Really put perspective in my mind and made me aware of the damage I have created and how to better understand my wife's hurt.

[Courtney]

Great read, very direct

This book has been fantastic to read. As a betrayer, it's helped my see things from my wife's perspective and that has allowed me to be more sensitive and caring as we work through this.

Can't wait to read it a 2nd time and for my wife to read also.

[Gabrielle]

Useful for both partners

Hard to read at times, as sometimes the truth is ugly. Like stepping out into the sun when you've been in the dark, you may find yourself squinting but life is better in the light.

[Terry Sloan]

Very Helpful

Thorough read on a tough topic - I am a couples' therapist and read this on recommendation of a client.
I will recommend it in the future.

[Infidelity Recovery]

This book is a game-changer for unfaithful spouses and it's certainly changed my life.

When my wife discovered I was having an affair I had no idea where to turn. I knew I wanted to reconcile my marriage and turn my life around but I had no idea where to turn. I was surrounded by my wife's wholely legitimate anger and my own shame and loathing.

I did a lot of reading and watched tens of hours of online videos to help me get started on the road to every aspect of my recovery from my own mental health to reconciling my marriage but nothing was able to bring together everything an unfaithful spouse needs to know if they want to support their spouse heal from the hurt caused by their infidelity.

The author guides the unfaithful spouse skilfully and concisely through every step of the affair recovery process from discovery and disclosure and becoming a healer to rebuilding trust, responding to triggers and changing our core character.

If you're an unfaithful spouse and want to reconcile your marriage - you HAVE to read this manual.

[T. Laane]

Maybe I’d rate it with a 5 star if I needed the action plan myself :) But as I randomly pick well-rated books out of curiosity to open up my perspective to the world, this book sounded a bit too harsh for me. So the summary is: when a man/wife gets cheated upon, they move from one extreme to the other. Before the act they think they have a loyal wife/husband that respects them and the marriage vows, is their trusted friend and partner - and after the act they think they have an enemy living with them. No trace of the the trust remains and everything is not only destroyed, but still burning with ha high flame, torturing the cheated partner for years. And unless the one doing the act does not take it as serious as I just wrote (that you are “demon” that must “suffer” for years to repent), they can NOT fix what was broken. Some statistics too: 70% of the people trying to heal the relationship fail at it. And BTW only 3% of side-romances have hope for becoming a long term relationship, so everyone is just fooling themselves when seeing the new partner as something for the long run.

[Rachel]

A quick and worthwhile read. As an LMFT, I felt the advice given in this book was pretty spot on in what I’ve observed and experienced with couples in my practice. She lays out very specific ways the unfaithful partner can increase his/her chance of saving their marriage and turning it around. This book does have a Christian bent to it, which is great for other Christians or anyone who wouldn’t mind some spiritual references.

[Ligaya]

A slim book and quick read with a very thoughtful plan to help cheaters AND their partners process their betrayal. Somewhat Christian-tinged and very heterocentric, nonetheless valuable reading for both. This will also shed light on your therapist and if they are guiding you in a mindful way. My spouse did not like this book. Go figure.

[christopher Webb]

A Quick Study in Humility Yet A Lifetime Of Application

This is a must read for those that have had an affair.
If you are truly looking for emotional blueprints that guide you through rebuilding your spouses’s trust in you, supporting them emotionally through years of healing, then this is the book for you.

[Nancy J. Chapel]

Terrific book

Very direct and strong guidelines, especially for the betrayer. A must read for any couple who sincerely want to rebuild their marriage and recover from the devastation of affairs.

[Brandon Vaughan]

As a Pastor, I try to dive into different subjects in order to become a better counselor. I would recommend this book to anyone recovering from the heartache of infidelity. It’s very concise, to the point, and written from a Biblical perspective.

[candi lopez]

Totally not every emotional

I have been hurt by my unfaithful spouse. This book covers all of my feelings and emotions. She has covered all my feelings and emotions and put them all down for everyone to see. Excellent book!!!!

[AJ]

Very insightful for both the betrayed and the betrayer

Very eye opening. Outlines how your actions after exposure can either help you successfully rebuild your marriage or finish it off.

[Jessica Perrault]

Reading this book has tremendously strengthened my ability to work with couples struggling from past and current affairs. Not only do I recommend individuals who had affairs to read this book, but I also encourage individuals who have been cheated on to also read it, as it is very validating.

[Josh Fowler]

Good read

Great read however it is a little short

It really explores the feelings of a hurt spouse and the importance of taking responsibility and showing genuine concern.

You cant fake it

[Heidiseija]

So, I got curious about reconciliation after encountering a subreddit on this for the past couple of weeks. As an unmarried, late twenties single person, I wanted to seek understanding how one approach reconciliation. It was an interesting read to say the least.