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Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries
In this fully revised and expanded second edition, Setting Limits author Robert MacKenzie is back with even more time-proven methods for dealing with misbehavior and creating positive, respectful, and rewarding relationships with children prone to acting out and disobedience.
Disruptive misbehavior, constant power struggles, manipulative or aggressive behavior--the challenges facing parents and teachers of strong-willed children can seem overwhelming at times. That's why thousands of parents and educators have turned to the solutions in Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. This revised and expanded second edition offers the most up-to-date alternatives to punishment and permissiveness--moving beyond traditional methods that wear you down and get you nowhere, and zeroing in on what really works so parents can use their energy in more efficient and productive ways. With fully updated guidelines on parenting tools like "logical consequences," and examples drawn directly from the modern world that children deal with each day, this is an invaluable resource for anyone wondering how to effectively motivate strong-willed children and instill proper conduct.
Disruptive misbehavior, constant power struggles, manipulative or aggressive behavior--the challenges facing parents and teachers of strong-willed children can seem overwhelming at times. That's why thousands of parents and educators have turned to the solutions in Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. This revised and expanded second edition offers the most up-to-date alternatives to punishment and permissiveness--moving beyond traditional methods that wear you down and get you nowhere, and zeroing in on what really works so parents can use their energy in more efficient and productive ways. With fully updated guidelines on parenting tools like "logical consequences," and examples drawn directly from the modern world that children deal with each day, this is an invaluable resource for anyone wondering how to effectively motivate strong-willed children and instill proper conduct.
354 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 25, 2001
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 316 reviews
January 31, 2009
Not that I'm a strong-willed person with a strong-willed oldest child (cough)....
I really, really would recommend this book to anyone who has any sort of discipline issues with any child in their life. Seriously, it's very instructive. Jeremy and I were already doing this method with Ben about half of the time, but hadn't realized that it was the magic bullet of discipline happiness until I started reading this book and tried to use it all of the time. It's been wonderful.
Basically, the idea is that strong-willed children do not leave much room for ineffective parenting (whereas compliant children will): nagging, pleading, belittling, yelling, etc. will not get them to do what you want them to do (i.e. you'll still have behavioral issues). The author teaches you how to set firm boundaries and stick to them by clearly stating expectations and consequences, and promptly following through with logical actions if necessary.
I thought that the examples were very helpful, and I have caught myself being the parent in a lot of the less-than-effective verbal power struggles portrayed -- he does a great job pointing out where the flaws are and what you're actually teaching your children by your behavior. The reason for 4 stars instead of 5 is that I thought the author could get a bit redundant, but I would still highly, highly recommend this one as good food for thought. I don't think it's the "do all, end all" of your interactions with your children (or other people's children), but it's still very effective and worth trying.
I really, really would recommend this book to anyone who has any sort of discipline issues with any child in their life. Seriously, it's very instructive. Jeremy and I were already doing this method with Ben about half of the time, but hadn't realized that it was the magic bullet of discipline happiness until I started reading this book and tried to use it all of the time. It's been wonderful.
Basically, the idea is that strong-willed children do not leave much room for ineffective parenting (whereas compliant children will): nagging, pleading, belittling, yelling, etc. will not get them to do what you want them to do (i.e. you'll still have behavioral issues). The author teaches you how to set firm boundaries and stick to them by clearly stating expectations and consequences, and promptly following through with logical actions if necessary.
I thought that the examples were very helpful, and I have caught myself being the parent in a lot of the less-than-effective verbal power struggles portrayed -- he does a great job pointing out where the flaws are and what you're actually teaching your children by your behavior. The reason for 4 stars instead of 5 is that I thought the author could get a bit redundant, but I would still highly, highly recommend this one as good food for thought. I don't think it's the "do all, end all" of your interactions with your children (or other people's children), but it's still very effective and worth trying.
April 5, 2014
I found this book utterly amazing. Robert MacKenzie knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to strong-willed children and how to effectively shape and guide their temperament in the right direction. My oldest son is almost 4 years old. I wouldn't say he is the most stong-willed child there is (half the time he is the sweetest boy in the world) but he has definitely learned -from us, his parents- that he can get away with defiance. We tried every approach we could think of to stop him from arguing with every single request we made, but nothing ever worked. Desperate, I googled "stong-willed kids help", and this book was the first to come up. I ran to the library and started reading immediately. I kept nodding my head at everything he said, describing the dances we parents do with our children, punitive and permissive approaches that don't work, and then did a happy dance when he showed me what I should do instead. My son has, of course, given me many opportunities since starting this book to put my new tools to practice. And I've seen results! The author says to expect full changes within eight to twelve weeks, and also setbacks. There may be an increase in resistance once you start, but the younger your children are, the easier it will be to make these changes.
I am so grateful that I found this book. It is a life-saver!
I am so grateful that I found this book. It is a life-saver!
August 21, 2008
Perhaps the best parenting book I've read...very clear, precise instructions on how to set limits and stick to them. I identified myself as setting "soft" limits with my kids too often, and now I understand how to be more "firm" but not harsh. I really needed this book, as I have strong-willed children that like to test boundaries.
May 3, 2014
This book has some good points about getting (older) kids to follow thru on things you want them to do, but... the author seems to think that all strong-willed kids are doing is testing to see at what point the parent will make them stop doing unwanted behaviors. I think that there is a certain amount of impulsivity (lack of impulse control?) that makes kids do things without thinking - it's not always a conscious desire to rebel or "aggressively research" parents' boundaries.
The book is written like many other parental advice books (it seems like several authors use the same ghost writer) - it's easy to read, has far too many quotes from the text excerpted in the middle of the pages, it repeats the same points over and over again, and it includes far too many made-up examples of effectively and ineffectively handled situations, complete with a view into the mind of the disobedient child (oops, aggressive researcher). I really didn't like the way that MacKenzie "quotes" the kids' thoughts while he's reporting on supposed stories that were allegedly related during sessions in his office.
The book is written like many other parental advice books (it seems like several authors use the same ghost writer) - it's easy to read, has far too many quotes from the text excerpted in the middle of the pages, it repeats the same points over and over again, and it includes far too many made-up examples of effectively and ineffectively handled situations, complete with a view into the mind of the disobedient child (oops, aggressive researcher). I really didn't like the way that MacKenzie "quotes" the kids' thoughts while he's reporting on supposed stories that were allegedly related during sessions in his office.
November 8, 2013
I read James Dobson's The New Strong Willed Child and wrote about it here.
I felt like that book didn't offer me any great suggestions or tips, so I was a bit apprehensive of what I would learn from another type of book like this.
BUT I am so happy that I picked this one up next because it was the EXACT OPPOSITE.
This book is a real winner.
I learned SO much.
I HIGHLY recommend reading this book, and not necessarily just for strong willed kids.
This book has some WONDERFUL tips and guidelines for raising children in general.
This will go down as one of the BEST parenting books I've ever read
(and that's saying A LOT!)
On that note, here are the things I especially liked from it:
The persistent testing that is SO characteristic of strong-willed children is also what drives most parents crazy.
When anger gets the best of you, it's usually because you are out of reserves and are stretched to the breaking point. In those moments, it helps to do whatever you can to diffuse your anger, to prevent yourself from doing any real damage. These are the red flag moments.
Count to ten, take a breath, go for a walk; do WHATEVER you need to do to take the heat out of the moment. If it helps, remember that your child is inherently an innocent being who needs to be shown right from wrong, who needs your guidance.
Who you were before you became a mother will change, and you will continue to transform as you face the challenges, lessons, and rewards that every phrase of your child's life will provide.
Motherhood will probably provide you with some of the deepest and most astonishing opportunities for personal development. You will learn volumes about patience and tolerance, how to be assertive, when to say "no", when to give in, when to turn to a higher power, and when to simply laugh and enjoy the humor of a situation.
If you are a mother who is presented with advanced lessons, you in particular will need to trust that the universe only gives to us what we can handle. You were selected to shepard this child through the world, for better or for worse.
Examples of democratic discipline practices:
Separating children who are quarreling, fighting, or antagonizing each other
Removing toys temporarily when children use in an unacceptable manner
Turn off TV when children refuse to turn it down
Encourage children to make better choices
Sending children to time out for aggressive or hurtful behavior
Acknowledging cooperation and good choices
Removing a privilege temporarily when they misuse or abuse that privilege
separating children from activities temporarily when disruptive
expressing confidence in children's capabilities
sending children to time out for defiant behavior
removing soccer ball from child kicking it in the house
holding children accountable for cleaning up own mess
catching children cooperating and celebrating their compliance
expressing confidence that your children can make good choices
accepting children, not their unacceptable behavior
showing forgiveness when a discipline incident is over
Whenever you can, show them how you feel about them, show them that they are special, tell them that you love them. The outpouring of love immediately creates an endorphin rush for both of you, and treats both of you to an instant "high".
One day is sunny, the next may be stormy.
One year is a breeze, the next is formidable.
In the case of motherhood, you never know what is coming next.
The best way to ride the roller coaster through the highs and lows is to fasten your safety belt, stay aware, take a deep breath, and be prepared for whatever happens.
Though you may ride through some dark passages, there is always another bright spot just around the bend that makes it all worthwhile.
I am writing down these examples of effective VERBAL messages so that I can remember:
"Stop hitting now".
"We don't eat Popsicles in the living room".
"Take your shoes off the couch, please".
"Put away your Legos before you go outside to play".
"Be home by 5:30".
"You can play by the rules or find a different game to play".
"Turn down the TV, or I'll have to turn it off".
"If you kick the ball in the house, I'll have to take it away".
"If you throw your food, your meal is over".
Examples of effective ACTION messages:
Using a time out consequence for a child who hits
Removing popsicle from a child who ignores your request not to eat in living room
Putting away Legos for 3-4 days when children don't pick them up
Temporarily revising return time to 4:30 for a few days when a child fails to return home at correct time
Not allowing a child to participate in a game for a while when he or she fails to play by rules
Turn off TV if they refuse to turn it down
Remove soccer ball for the rest of the day when a child does it in the house
Not replacing a toy that was broken because of carelessness
Your children will no doubt push you to the limit. Realize that they require your unconditional commitment to them throughout it all. You may disapprove, and you may withdraw, but underneath it all, they want you know that you will never abandon them.
See in your heart if you can love them when they deviate from the path that you have outlined for them. See if you can support them even when they listen to a different drummer. Find out where you can bend, and be clear where your breaking points are.
In most cases it is not the parents.
Most are doing the best they can with the discipline tools they have.
The problem is not the child either. Most strong-willed children are just being themselves. The real problem is a bad match between the child's temperament and the parent's discipline methods. The parents' tools are not well suited for the job. The predictable result- conflict and power struggles.
I felt like that book didn't offer me any great suggestions or tips, so I was a bit apprehensive of what I would learn from another type of book like this.
BUT I am so happy that I picked this one up next because it was the EXACT OPPOSITE.
This book is a real winner.
I learned SO much.
I HIGHLY recommend reading this book, and not necessarily just for strong willed kids.
This book has some WONDERFUL tips and guidelines for raising children in general.
This will go down as one of the BEST parenting books I've ever read
(and that's saying A LOT!)
On that note, here are the things I especially liked from it:
The persistent testing that is SO characteristic of strong-willed children is also what drives most parents crazy.
When anger gets the best of you, it's usually because you are out of reserves and are stretched to the breaking point. In those moments, it helps to do whatever you can to diffuse your anger, to prevent yourself from doing any real damage. These are the red flag moments.
Count to ten, take a breath, go for a walk; do WHATEVER you need to do to take the heat out of the moment. If it helps, remember that your child is inherently an innocent being who needs to be shown right from wrong, who needs your guidance.
Who you were before you became a mother will change, and you will continue to transform as you face the challenges, lessons, and rewards that every phrase of your child's life will provide.
Motherhood will probably provide you with some of the deepest and most astonishing opportunities for personal development. You will learn volumes about patience and tolerance, how to be assertive, when to say "no", when to give in, when to turn to a higher power, and when to simply laugh and enjoy the humor of a situation.
If you are a mother who is presented with advanced lessons, you in particular will need to trust that the universe only gives to us what we can handle. You were selected to shepard this child through the world, for better or for worse.
Examples of democratic discipline practices:
Separating children who are quarreling, fighting, or antagonizing each other
Removing toys temporarily when children use in an unacceptable manner
Turn off TV when children refuse to turn it down
Encourage children to make better choices
Sending children to time out for aggressive or hurtful behavior
Acknowledging cooperation and good choices
Removing a privilege temporarily when they misuse or abuse that privilege
separating children from activities temporarily when disruptive
expressing confidence in children's capabilities
sending children to time out for defiant behavior
removing soccer ball from child kicking it in the house
holding children accountable for cleaning up own mess
catching children cooperating and celebrating their compliance
expressing confidence that your children can make good choices
accepting children, not their unacceptable behavior
showing forgiveness when a discipline incident is over
Whenever you can, show them how you feel about them, show them that they are special, tell them that you love them. The outpouring of love immediately creates an endorphin rush for both of you, and treats both of you to an instant "high".
One day is sunny, the next may be stormy.
One year is a breeze, the next is formidable.
In the case of motherhood, you never know what is coming next.
The best way to ride the roller coaster through the highs and lows is to fasten your safety belt, stay aware, take a deep breath, and be prepared for whatever happens.
Though you may ride through some dark passages, there is always another bright spot just around the bend that makes it all worthwhile.
I am writing down these examples of effective VERBAL messages so that I can remember:
"Stop hitting now".
"We don't eat Popsicles in the living room".
"Take your shoes off the couch, please".
"Put away your Legos before you go outside to play".
"Be home by 5:30".
"You can play by the rules or find a different game to play".
"Turn down the TV, or I'll have to turn it off".
"If you kick the ball in the house, I'll have to take it away".
"If you throw your food, your meal is over".
Examples of effective ACTION messages:
Using a time out consequence for a child who hits
Removing popsicle from a child who ignores your request not to eat in living room
Putting away Legos for 3-4 days when children don't pick them up
Temporarily revising return time to 4:30 for a few days when a child fails to return home at correct time
Not allowing a child to participate in a game for a while when he or she fails to play by rules
Turn off TV if they refuse to turn it down
Remove soccer ball for the rest of the day when a child does it in the house
Not replacing a toy that was broken because of carelessness
Your children will no doubt push you to the limit. Realize that they require your unconditional commitment to them throughout it all. You may disapprove, and you may withdraw, but underneath it all, they want you know that you will never abandon them.
See in your heart if you can love them when they deviate from the path that you have outlined for them. See if you can support them even when they listen to a different drummer. Find out where you can bend, and be clear where your breaking points are.
In most cases it is not the parents.
Most are doing the best they can with the discipline tools they have.
The problem is not the child either. Most strong-willed children are just being themselves. The real problem is a bad match between the child's temperament and the parent's discipline methods. The parents' tools are not well suited for the job. The predictable result- conflict and power struggles.
December 4, 2008
One of the few books that actually changed my life. For three years I had a "compliant" child and then along came his brother. My husband and I were frustrated with his behavior and we couldn't understand why he just wouldn't listen to us like his brother.
This book clearly explained our son's behavior and helped us to change our expectations, which made all of us happier. It also gave us practical instructions for changing our behavior and our son's.
Within one week, we were a much, much, happier household. Now, we know what to expect from our son and he knows what to expect from us. His behavior has changed because of the way that we've learned to deal with his strong personality.
You must read this book!
This book clearly explained our son's behavior and helped us to change our expectations, which made all of us happier. It also gave us practical instructions for changing our behavior and our son's.
Within one week, we were a much, much, happier household. Now, we know what to expect from our son and he knows what to expect from us. His behavior has changed because of the way that we've learned to deal with his strong personality.
You must read this book!
July 2, 2010
I thought this was an excellent book full of solid, practical advice to effectively and positively disciplining children. It is targeted for ages 3 to 12. My toddler is almost three and likes to push the limits and test me and this book gave me great suggestions on how to set limits with him.
Outline of main points below that I quickly typed up as notes, so I can refer back. Feel free to read if you are interested.
Ways parents teach rules:
Punitive approach – based on fear, excessive punishment, solving problems by force, parents win and kids lose, kids react with anger, stubbornness, rebellion, withdrawal
Permissive approach – kids have all power, problem solve by persuasion, tell children right thing to do but don’t follow through with any action, kids ignore and tune out words and wear parents down w/words
Mixed approach (neither firm or respectful, worst of above two)
Democratic approach – children are capable of solving problems on own, children should be given choices, cooperative, mutual respect
Limits:
If you set a limit follow through – kids learn by your actions not words
Clearly set limit – don’t state wishes and hopes and think children will understand e.g. “I wish you wouldn’t play with my phone” and child doesn’t stop “I don’t like you playing with my phone” child still doesn’t stop “I’m getting angry.” There was no clear message in those statements. A statement such as “please don’t play with my phone or you will have to take a time-out” is a clear statement.
Soft limits: wishes, repeating and reminding, warnings/second chances, reasoning and explaining, speeches/sermons, statement of fat, ignoring misbehavior, unclear directions, ineffective role modeling, pleading, bargaining/negotiating, arguing/debating, bribes, inconsistency between parents
Firm limits: state in concrete terms, words supported by actions, compliance required, provide accountability. Children learn no means no not maybe.
Don’t get into a “dance” with your child. If you make request, don’t repeat, remind, bargain, lecture, yell, threaten, etc. State the request and if they don’t listen go to consequence such as time-out. Children like to wear parents down by getting them to take their “bait” and get them to dance.
Clear messages: focus on behavior, be specific and direct, use normal voice, and specify consequence for noncompliance
Stop power struggle before it begins: when kids tune out, check in with them by asking if they understand your request; when kids argue, cut it off; when kids challenge, give limited choices; when kids dawdle , use a timer; ignore attitude, not misbehavior (kids will mumble to try to pull you into a dance – don’t give into attitude just sent to time-out); when kids cross line, hold firm and still give consequence; when kids get hot, cool them down; when parents cross line, apologize; don’t personalize misbehavior
Effective consequences: immediate; consistent; logically related (if they ride bike in street and aren’t supposed to, take bike away for rest of day (don’t say they can’t have dessert); proportional (don’t ground for 3 wks for being 20 minutes late); followed by clean slate (don’t lecture or rehash after punishment); natural consequences (use when children lose or damage and item – make them pay for next one or part of it; if children frequently forget lunch don’t keep taking it to them, let them go w/out and they’ll remember; when children dawdle; when they fail to do their part-make them wear dirty laundry if they don’t bring it to laundry room); logical consequences (when kids don’t cooperate w/others, when they aren’t responsible for toys-put in Saturday basket, when they don’t take turns, destructive behavior, failure to do chores, whining
Time-out - introduce it, set appropriate place, use a timer, clean slate, use as often as needed (even when out in public, use the car, lounge area, bench, etc.)
Motivating – encourage better choices, better behavior, encourage cooperation, independence
Teaching skills – show them what works best, don’t expect them to figure out on own. Help them explore choice, break skills into teachable parts, role-model corrective behavior, try it again, catch children being good
Change takes time but keep at it and be consistent. The biggest struggle will be for the parents reverting to old habits. We tend to discipline how we were growing up, but to make a change really try and have people supporting you, such as spouse and child’s teacher.
Outline of main points below that I quickly typed up as notes, so I can refer back. Feel free to read if you are interested.
Ways parents teach rules:
Punitive approach – based on fear, excessive punishment, solving problems by force, parents win and kids lose, kids react with anger, stubbornness, rebellion, withdrawal
Permissive approach – kids have all power, problem solve by persuasion, tell children right thing to do but don’t follow through with any action, kids ignore and tune out words and wear parents down w/words
Mixed approach (neither firm or respectful, worst of above two)
Democratic approach – children are capable of solving problems on own, children should be given choices, cooperative, mutual respect
Limits:
If you set a limit follow through – kids learn by your actions not words
Clearly set limit – don’t state wishes and hopes and think children will understand e.g. “I wish you wouldn’t play with my phone” and child doesn’t stop “I don’t like you playing with my phone” child still doesn’t stop “I’m getting angry.” There was no clear message in those statements. A statement such as “please don’t play with my phone or you will have to take a time-out” is a clear statement.
Soft limits: wishes, repeating and reminding, warnings/second chances, reasoning and explaining, speeches/sermons, statement of fat, ignoring misbehavior, unclear directions, ineffective role modeling, pleading, bargaining/negotiating, arguing/debating, bribes, inconsistency between parents
Firm limits: state in concrete terms, words supported by actions, compliance required, provide accountability. Children learn no means no not maybe.
Don’t get into a “dance” with your child. If you make request, don’t repeat, remind, bargain, lecture, yell, threaten, etc. State the request and if they don’t listen go to consequence such as time-out. Children like to wear parents down by getting them to take their “bait” and get them to dance.
Clear messages: focus on behavior, be specific and direct, use normal voice, and specify consequence for noncompliance
Stop power struggle before it begins: when kids tune out, check in with them by asking if they understand your request; when kids argue, cut it off; when kids challenge, give limited choices; when kids dawdle , use a timer; ignore attitude, not misbehavior (kids will mumble to try to pull you into a dance – don’t give into attitude just sent to time-out); when kids cross line, hold firm and still give consequence; when kids get hot, cool them down; when parents cross line, apologize; don’t personalize misbehavior
Effective consequences: immediate; consistent; logically related (if they ride bike in street and aren’t supposed to, take bike away for rest of day (don’t say they can’t have dessert); proportional (don’t ground for 3 wks for being 20 minutes late); followed by clean slate (don’t lecture or rehash after punishment); natural consequences (use when children lose or damage and item – make them pay for next one or part of it; if children frequently forget lunch don’t keep taking it to them, let them go w/out and they’ll remember; when children dawdle; when they fail to do their part-make them wear dirty laundry if they don’t bring it to laundry room); logical consequences (when kids don’t cooperate w/others, when they aren’t responsible for toys-put in Saturday basket, when they don’t take turns, destructive behavior, failure to do chores, whining
Time-out - introduce it, set appropriate place, use a timer, clean slate, use as often as needed (even when out in public, use the car, lounge area, bench, etc.)
Motivating – encourage better choices, better behavior, encourage cooperation, independence
Teaching skills – show them what works best, don’t expect them to figure out on own. Help them explore choice, break skills into teachable parts, role-model corrective behavior, try it again, catch children being good
Change takes time but keep at it and be consistent. The biggest struggle will be for the parents reverting to old habits. We tend to discipline how we were growing up, but to make a change really try and have people supporting you, such as spouse and child’s teacher.
April 25, 2019
This book was clear, concise with its aims and in how it helps implement them, gives many examples of using discipline in real life, and most of all, gives me hope. I suppose I should reserve all five stars until I actually try it, but I am excited about all the new tools this book has given me regarding respectful yet effective discipline.
August 14, 2021
Yes, I’m that mom who reads a million parenting books🤦♀️ but I’m really struggling with my strong willed child and this book has lots of wonderful information to hopefully help me with him. I highly recommend it and will come back and update my review once I’ve used the methods I’ve learned.
July 8, 2017
This book was extremely helpful for my husband I to start to determine where we were losing control with our 3 year old daughter. We were good with being consistent and following through on consequences but we suffered from 2 major problems. The first was we were in the "mixed" style bucket in terms of trying to convince and coerce and then following through with punitive measures. The second problem was that we were struggling with how to set clear, firm, boundaries right from the beginning. This book helped us recognize what we were doing, shift to a more effective and consistent style, and start communicating with our daughter in ways that make an impact.
The only draw back is this book doesn't really address how you handle the meltdown that can result when the boundary is met. Almost every example in the book ends with "and said child willingly follows the process". Let's be honest, strong willed children do not follow the process right out of the gate. I wanted a little more guidance on how many time outs will be necessary in the beginning and how to EFFECTIVELY go through a cool down period. A child screaming for an hour through time outs and "cool down" isn't exactly effective in my mind.
I will say though, that the methods ARE working. We seem to have gotten over the initial period and our daughter is responding more quickly and with way less drama. If nothing else I'd recommend it for those that are struggling with their strong willed children.
The only draw back is this book doesn't really address how you handle the meltdown that can result when the boundary is met. Almost every example in the book ends with "and said child willingly follows the process". Let's be honest, strong willed children do not follow the process right out of the gate. I wanted a little more guidance on how many time outs will be necessary in the beginning and how to EFFECTIVELY go through a cool down period. A child screaming for an hour through time outs and "cool down" isn't exactly effective in my mind.
I will say though, that the methods ARE working. We seem to have gotten over the initial period and our daughter is responding more quickly and with way less drama. If nothing else I'd recommend it for those that are struggling with their strong willed children.
December 11, 2017
This book has some useful theoretical information about how children learn, some basic information on parenting systems and which ones work, and a lot of scripts for clearly explaining limits to your kid and then enforcing them kindly and respectfully. What it does not have is any information on working with children who have anxiety, spd, autism, adhd, or any kind of neuroatypicality, where enforcing a consequence too immediately leads to a tantrum or panic attack that can last for an hour. So if you have a neurotypical kid, this is probably a great, if somewhat repetitive, book for you. If you need a system for limit-setting that includes some flexibility for neuroatypical kids, this book is not very helpful.
January 18, 2013
I highly, highly recommend this book for anyone parenting or working with children who are strong willed. It discusses ineffective parenting styles such as being too permissive or being too harsh, and explores a better model based on clear communication and action follow ups. Let's see how it goes implementing, but I really learned a lot from it!
May 13, 2019
It's hard to give a book like this a lot of stars. I mean, did I "like" it? "Love" it? Definitely not the same way as a good novel. But, for what it is, it's good, and I'd recommend it to other parents who are having discipline issues with their children.
I'll admit, it was full of a lot of things I already knew. Things I'd heard other parents say over and over. Don't hit the kids (especially if hitting is the behavior your a trying to stop), it just teaches them that hitting is actually ok. The discipline should come as close to the actual behavior as possible - punishing them when you get home doesn't have nearly the same effect. And the discipline should be related to the behavior problem, and reasonable in length -- if one child hits another with a ball repeatedly, it makes sense to take away the ball for the rest of the day ... it makes less sense to take away their TV privileges for a month. But minus the hitting, which we don't personally have problems not doing (although it's sooooooo tempting when you're being smacked to smack back and say "see, it hurts! how do you like it?" aarrrrrg) it's hard to actually implement these things in the heat of the moment, even if you know you should be doing. Because what do you actually do in THIS situation?
So this book offers up key phrases to use, key actions to take, an order of steps, etc. I like steps. I can follow these directions, say these things, and magic will ensue! (not exactly, you'll of course modify them over time as you find what works and doesn't work for your child, but scripts are a great starting point).
Most importantly, and the part that we personally fail at most often: no soft limits. That means:
1. You tell them once, explicitly. If they don't comply there is an immediate consequence. No repeating, no second chances, no wishing ("I wish you two would stop fighting"), no begging or cajoling ("pleeeeease pick up your toys?"), no bribing* ("if you're good at the supermarket I'll buy you a toy while we are there"). This part also talks about no name calling ("OMG stop being such a brat!") and no hitting, but those things already don't happen in our house.
2. "... now, before you do anything else". This is a great key phrase I learned from this book for when you ask them to do something and they say "I will" but don't move. They might, but you really actually meant for them to do it NOW but didn't say that. So, you stop them from doing whatever they are doing and say "please put your dishes in the sink now, before you do anything else". And if they don't... you move on to the consequences. Don't let them argue for 5 more minutes or whatever.
3. You need to be consistent. And this is especially true the younger they are. If the rule is they have to wear a bike helmet when they are riding their bike, you need to enforce it whether they are riding a mile to the playground or to the mailbox on the corner. Especially a small child won't understand the distinction. And older kid might, but that just gives them room to fight about where that boundary actually is (what if they just ride TWO corners away? What if they ride back and forth to the mailbox for an hour straight?)
* There is some kind of fine line here in the wording. Because often the logical consequences are similar. There is a difference between "if you finish your carrots, I'll get you ice cream after dinner"** (bribing) and "You need to finish your dinner or you can't have dessert" (logical consequence of not finishing dinner). It's just one is phrased as something you wouldn't have gotten otherwise, that is being given for good behavior. The other is phrased as something you WOULD have gotten otherwise, but it's being taken away for bad behavior. Tricksy.
** I know there is a whole argument about rewarding good behavior vs punishing bad behavior. Here's the problem I've found with rewarding good behavior: once you start doing it, the child EXPECTS a reward for doing every day things that should really just be part of life. For a while, my child would say "mom, if I put away my cars can I have a lolly?" or "I ate all my breakfast, now I get fruit snacks!" and throw a fit if the answer is no. So we put a stop to that real quick. No one is going to give you a prize for putting your laundry in the hamper every day, or cleaning your spot from the dinner table, or pooping on the potty. That's just not how it works.
The consistency is a big part of the problem for me. Mainly because a lot of the things I don't want him to do ARE ok sometimes. I just don't want him to do it RIGHT NOW. Like, we're out late at an event, don't get home until 9pm, and he says he wants to take a bath. I'm like dude it's way past your bedtime, no we can't take a bath. Temper tantrum ensues. Depending on the time and how long the book(s) he chooses are, sometimes we can read 3-4 books before bed, other times we can only read one. I guess I could say ALWAYS 1, but then it feels dumb when he chooses a short board book with only 6 pages. Or he wants to have a "dance party" but I have a horrible headache... or just a long day at work and I don't feel like dancing. It's not that he's NEVER allowed to have a dance party. Just ... not right now. The book doesn't address how to deal with this.
Another problem I have is that sometimes the logical "punishment" is exactly what the child wants. For instance, bad behavior at a restaurant... normally, he suggests taking the child to the car for a time out. But, when my child is misbehaving exactly because he doesn't want to be at this particular restaurant with mom and dad and their friends... he is very happy to go out to the car and tells me he wants to stay there and go home. Now what? I imagine this would be a problem if your family goes to church often, etc. Making them stay there as punishment doesn't seem right either (and is probably more of a punishment to everyone else).
When first using some of the steps, there will obviously be pushback from the children as you change your ways ... but he doesn't talk about that until nearly the end of the book. I literally rolled my eyes multiple times at his descriptions of THREE YEAR OLDS who, when they didn't listen the first time they were told to put something away, were told to go to their room for time out and ... they did. No arguing, no running away. I just ... after a while it became FUNNY to me, it was so ridiculous.
Once upon a time, time-out worked for my child. We'd set him on the step, he'd pout and get over it, and then comply. But after a while, he figured out there was nothing actually keeping him there. So he would immediately get up and run around the house,forcing us to chase him and we would give chase. At school he started doing this with the teachers, even so far as to throw chairs and push a table into their paths to stop them from getting to him (!!!!). Talk about feeling like a crappy parent. If you do manage to catch him, be prepared for his arms and legs to be flailing at high speed and aiming for places he knows will hurt. He'll even bonk you (hard) with his head if you manage to restrain the arms and legs. And of course, as soon as you sit him back down in the time out spot, he's up and running again.
If this sounds like your situation and this book begins to sound ridiculous to you... he does cover it, eventually. The moral of the story is:
1. Time out is not the first line of action. The first line is a logical consequence with a reasonable time period. If that doesn't work, move on to a time out.
2. Time out should be in a (safe) room, alone, initially with the door closed (and parent holding it that way) if needed.
3. Time out doesn't actually "start" until the child has calmed down. So if, like mine, when you first put him into his room he starts screaming and pulling all the books out of his book case and throwing them at the door... you wait until he's calmed down before you set the timer.
4. After the time out is done, before they can do anything else, they help clean up whatever mess they made (by throwing all the books at the door) or they end up with another time out.
And slowly, slowly, slowly... they learn. That this sucks. And that the continuing bad behavior just makes it take longer. It's been a little over a month since I finished this book, apparently, I would have guessed it was longer. In that time, usually now if he is misbehaving and we say "do you want to go sit in your room alone for a time out for a few minutes?" He says "no" (very sadly, it breaks my heard) and does (or stops doing) whatever thing of the moment. And on the cases where the desired behavior doesn't happen, he gets to go up to his room... a temper tantrum still ensues, but they are much shorter lived.
It was extremely repetitive. But, I have found this to be true of a lot of this type of book, so maybe that's just normal for the genre. I understand repeating the procedure a few times with a few different examples to make sure people understand how to apply it, but this was literally hundreds of examples. Then again, I certainly liked the examples that were almost exactly the problems we've had... and probably others are the same way. So there's that.
Anyway, give it a try and see if any of the ideas work for your family. Not all the pieces will make sense for everyone -- just like every self-help book -- but it gives you more tools to put in your arsenal to help mold your child and save your sanity. I recommend the audio version - it made it a lot easier to deal with the repetitiveness, because I could just tune out and in whenever I felt like it.
I'll admit, it was full of a lot of things I already knew. Things I'd heard other parents say over and over. Don't hit the kids (especially if hitting is the behavior your a trying to stop), it just teaches them that hitting is actually ok. The discipline should come as close to the actual behavior as possible - punishing them when you get home doesn't have nearly the same effect. And the discipline should be related to the behavior problem, and reasonable in length -- if one child hits another with a ball repeatedly, it makes sense to take away the ball for the rest of the day ... it makes less sense to take away their TV privileges for a month. But minus the hitting, which we don't personally have problems not doing (although it's sooooooo tempting when you're being smacked to smack back and say "see, it hurts! how do you like it?" aarrrrrg) it's hard to actually implement these things in the heat of the moment, even if you know you should be doing. Because what do you actually do in THIS situation?
So this book offers up key phrases to use, key actions to take, an order of steps, etc. I like steps. I can follow these directions, say these things, and magic will ensue! (not exactly, you'll of course modify them over time as you find what works and doesn't work for your child, but scripts are a great starting point).
Most importantly, and the part that we personally fail at most often: no soft limits. That means:
1. You tell them once, explicitly. If they don't comply there is an immediate consequence. No repeating, no second chances, no wishing ("I wish you two would stop fighting"), no begging or cajoling ("pleeeeease pick up your toys?"), no bribing* ("if you're good at the supermarket I'll buy you a toy while we are there"). This part also talks about no name calling ("OMG stop being such a brat!") and no hitting, but those things already don't happen in our house.
2. "... now, before you do anything else". This is a great key phrase I learned from this book for when you ask them to do something and they say "I will" but don't move. They might, but you really actually meant for them to do it NOW but didn't say that. So, you stop them from doing whatever they are doing and say "please put your dishes in the sink now, before you do anything else". And if they don't... you move on to the consequences. Don't let them argue for 5 more minutes or whatever.
3. You need to be consistent. And this is especially true the younger they are. If the rule is they have to wear a bike helmet when they are riding their bike, you need to enforce it whether they are riding a mile to the playground or to the mailbox on the corner. Especially a small child won't understand the distinction. And older kid might, but that just gives them room to fight about where that boundary actually is (what if they just ride TWO corners away? What if they ride back and forth to the mailbox for an hour straight?)
* There is some kind of fine line here in the wording. Because often the logical consequences are similar. There is a difference between "if you finish your carrots, I'll get you ice cream after dinner"** (bribing) and "You need to finish your dinner or you can't have dessert" (logical consequence of not finishing dinner). It's just one is phrased as something you wouldn't have gotten otherwise, that is being given for good behavior. The other is phrased as something you WOULD have gotten otherwise, but it's being taken away for bad behavior. Tricksy.
** I know there is a whole argument about rewarding good behavior vs punishing bad behavior. Here's the problem I've found with rewarding good behavior: once you start doing it, the child EXPECTS a reward for doing every day things that should really just be part of life. For a while, my child would say "mom, if I put away my cars can I have a lolly?" or "I ate all my breakfast, now I get fruit snacks!" and throw a fit if the answer is no. So we put a stop to that real quick. No one is going to give you a prize for putting your laundry in the hamper every day, or cleaning your spot from the dinner table, or pooping on the potty. That's just not how it works.
The consistency is a big part of the problem for me. Mainly because a lot of the things I don't want him to do ARE ok sometimes. I just don't want him to do it RIGHT NOW. Like, we're out late at an event, don't get home until 9pm, and he says he wants to take a bath. I'm like dude it's way past your bedtime, no we can't take a bath. Temper tantrum ensues. Depending on the time and how long the book(s) he chooses are, sometimes we can read 3-4 books before bed, other times we can only read one. I guess I could say ALWAYS 1, but then it feels dumb when he chooses a short board book with only 6 pages. Or he wants to have a "dance party" but I have a horrible headache... or just a long day at work and I don't feel like dancing. It's not that he's NEVER allowed to have a dance party. Just ... not right now. The book doesn't address how to deal with this.
Another problem I have is that sometimes the logical "punishment" is exactly what the child wants. For instance, bad behavior at a restaurant... normally, he suggests taking the child to the car for a time out. But, when my child is misbehaving exactly because he doesn't want to be at this particular restaurant with mom and dad and their friends... he is very happy to go out to the car and tells me he wants to stay there and go home. Now what? I imagine this would be a problem if your family goes to church often, etc. Making them stay there as punishment doesn't seem right either (and is probably more of a punishment to everyone else).
When first using some of the steps, there will obviously be pushback from the children as you change your ways ... but he doesn't talk about that until nearly the end of the book. I literally rolled my eyes multiple times at his descriptions of THREE YEAR OLDS who, when they didn't listen the first time they were told to put something away, were told to go to their room for time out and ... they did. No arguing, no running away. I just ... after a while it became FUNNY to me, it was so ridiculous.
Once upon a time, time-out worked for my child. We'd set him on the step, he'd pout and get over it, and then comply. But after a while, he figured out there was nothing actually keeping him there. So he would immediately get up and run around the house,
If this sounds like your situation and this book begins to sound ridiculous to you... he does cover it, eventually. The moral of the story is:
1. Time out is not the first line of action. The first line is a logical consequence with a reasonable time period. If that doesn't work, move on to a time out.
2. Time out should be in a (safe) room, alone, initially with the door closed (and parent holding it that way) if needed.
3. Time out doesn't actually "start" until the child has calmed down. So if, like mine, when you first put him into his room he starts screaming and pulling all the books out of his book case and throwing them at the door... you wait until he's calmed down before you set the timer.
4. After the time out is done, before they can do anything else, they help clean up whatever mess they made (by throwing all the books at the door) or they end up with another time out.
And slowly, slowly, slowly... they learn. That this sucks. And that the continuing bad behavior just makes it take longer. It's been a little over a month since I finished this book, apparently, I would have guessed it was longer. In that time, usually now if he is misbehaving and we say "do you want to go sit in your room alone for a time out for a few minutes?" He says "no" (very sadly, it breaks my heard) and does (or stops doing) whatever thing of the moment. And on the cases where the desired behavior doesn't happen, he gets to go up to his room... a temper tantrum still ensues, but they are much shorter lived.
It was extremely repetitive. But, I have found this to be true of a lot of this type of book, so maybe that's just normal for the genre. I understand repeating the procedure a few times with a few different examples to make sure people understand how to apply it, but this was literally hundreds of examples. Then again, I certainly liked the examples that were almost exactly the problems we've had... and probably others are the same way. So there's that.
Anyway, give it a try and see if any of the ideas work for your family. Not all the pieces will make sense for everyone -- just like every self-help book -- but it gives you more tools to put in your arsenal to help mold your child and save your sanity. I recommend the audio version - it made it a lot easier to deal with the repetitiveness, because I could just tune out and in whenever I felt like it.
June 19, 2021
This book is exactly what I needed. As an educator, I was very familiar with many of the strategies explained in this book such as logical consequences. However, we developed bad habits as a family. The pandemic and being quarantined with both parents working full time from home with little socialization and no formal preschool led us to being either too lenient or too punitive. The author clearly lays out how to understand your child’s temperament and your own with many concrete examples of common problems family encounter and actions steps to respond to them. I really appreciated the section on what to do when children refuse to go in time or yells and tantrums when in it. It’s only been about 3 days since I have started using these methods and I’m already seeing a huge improvement. There is less drama and power struggles. He’s being more cooperative and saying I love you more spontaneously again. I would recommend this to anyone that is looking to end arguments and reduce misbehaviors in strong willed children.
April 30, 2022
Coming from a mom who was blessed with not one, but two extremely strong-willed kids, and often being a bit of a pushover myself, this book is an excellent guide for setting firm limits while also giving kids lots of respect and love. I know that consistency is such a key part of parenting but I've never been great at it. This book spells out how to be consistent in setting limits without all the drama. I know if I can only manage to stay strong in breaking bad habits, this method will be a game-changer.
January 23, 2024
I’m not one to usually read parenting books, but I’d heard good things about this one.
4.5 stars from me! I appreciated that this book was very straightforward with lots of practical advice. I’d say it was geared toward a bit older children (5-10ish). I was able to identify that some of my subconscious parenting strategies were ineffective with my strong-willed toddler. I’ve already implemented a few things and noticed some positive changes!
4.5 stars from me! I appreciated that this book was very straightforward with lots of practical advice. I’d say it was geared toward a bit older children (5-10ish). I was able to identify that some of my subconscious parenting strategies were ineffective with my strong-willed toddler. I’ve already implemented a few things and noticed some positive changes!
June 30, 2022
This book is really, really good. Provides things to do with actual real world common examples (some other books in this type of books have over the top fake examples, with horribly unrealistic dialog). Every example in the book I've either heard some kids say in real life or is close enough to things they've said it all rang true.
The author also gives examples of things one may naturally want to say, the outcome of saying and them the same example but with these better skills.
The skills it teaches are useful beyond just parenting with some tweaks it can be used as a manager. It teaches you how to get buy in and better ways to handle conflict and encourage cooperation.
Thanks Robert MacKenzie!
The author also gives examples of things one may naturally want to say, the outcome of saying and them the same example but with these better skills.
The skills it teaches are useful beyond just parenting with some tweaks it can be used as a manager. It teaches you how to get buy in and better ways to handle conflict and encourage cooperation.
Thanks Robert MacKenzie!
January 2, 2025
I like that this book focused on respectfully setting boundaries for kids who have to learn "the hard way". It was a bit of a slow read with maybe too many examples at times, but it was worth it. I wish there had been more guidance for disrespectful reactions and power struggles, but was grateful for the little that was included on those subjects. 4.5 stars.
March 23, 2019
The is the single best parenting resource I’ve ever encountered. It’s clear, logical, and the strategies have been immediately effective with my strong willed five year old. And strong willed husband, for that matter.
August 3, 2023
A great book for any parent. Highly actionable and useful!
January 16, 2024
I kind of regret I followed some of the advice from this book. It doesn’t work for a really strong-willed child.
January 24, 2024
I’ve read a handful of parenting books but I feel like this one is the most realistic to implement. It’s an easy read but very thorough. I’m already finding small successes with my strong-willed child. Glad to have found this
April 28, 2024
I loved this. It added to what I've learned of positive parenting, following through on what I say I'll do without shaming. Really grateful for these books!
July 21, 2019
Nu tik sākšu testēt, kad meita no laukiem atgriezīsies.
October 29, 2023
Helpful
November 18, 2018
The shocking truth is that this book described my little son extremely well. Very simple content with very effective guidance and examples. I owe this book a lot & I’m planning to read it a second time with my spouse.
December 10, 2019
EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK.
February 9, 2019
I just happened to find this book in a little free library box the day after discussing with my daughter challenges presented by my charming/vexing 4-yr. old grandson--kismet! Setting Limits is a very well-written, comprehensive, compassionate and realistic book with well-founded and -grounded guidelines for parenting strong-willed children in a respectful way. Having raised two compliant children (and being compliant myself) I found quite interesting MacKenzie's notion that strong-willed children are just wired differently and have different fundamental motivations and ways of learning. Based on my experience as a teacher and parent, I think many of his ideas are common-sense and that others new to me make sense and are doable. One other aspect of the book I found interesting was his discussion of parents of one temperament raising a child of a different temperament, a challenge I had never thought much about before. If there is a challenging child in your family, I heartily recommend reading this book, sooner rather than later!
January 27, 2020
Amazing
This book is amazing. It's such a simple method but simplicity is usually what works. I've,already applied the method and it's been difficult but worth it. I'm so glad I found this book!!!
This book is amazing. It's such a simple method but simplicity is usually what works. I've,already applied the method and it's been difficult but worth it. I'm so glad I found this book!!!
June 24, 2023
A clear book with some good information however I didn't learn anything 'new'. Provided in the book are extensive examples of scenarios to help provide context for the reader which may be useful to some. I found the advice a little too simple and although I agree strong willed children are 'extensive researchers' the way the author finishes the scenarios are not always as simple as they are laid out in the book. Key points are consistency, and limiting choices when challenged as well as not taking the bait when children test to gain information on consquences particulary when children comply however with a bad attitude. These are all helpful points to note although just not new to myself.
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