The Enneagram in Love & Work: Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships

by Helen Palmer

New from Helen Palmer, a "leading teacher and practitioner of the Enneagram" (San Francisco Chronicle), the first Enneagram book to give practical advice, in fascinating detail, on how to have the best possible relationships in love and business.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Spirituality, Personal Development, Philosophy

434 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 1, 1994

Reviews

[Laurie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This would not be my pick for someone's first exposure to enneagram work - for that it would be Wisdom of the Enneagram. But because we improve both our close, loving relationships and our work relationships by understanding specific people's personalities (and our own) better, this book could serve as a trouble-preventer/trouble-shooter for the more confusing ones. This book could be used as a reference for improving the specific ways your personality reacts to someone important (or at least someone not going away any time soon) in your life.

[Matt McAlear · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was a very tough read for me due to the lack of science and validity behind the enneagram. I found it tried to mix several spiritual practices into the core philosophy of the teaching which ended up muddying the message even further. It was interesting to see what camp they put you in and could potentially be useful if you use it as a very soft guide to help you look at yourself and people in a different way. However, I found that it was mostly a waste of time in correlation to the value received for time spent.

[Josiah Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are many Enneagram books that provide insights into humanity. However, this one has been especially insightful. From the clear and encompassing descriptions of the Enneagram numbers to the goods and bads of different number combinations, this book is a must read for Enneagram scholars and lovers. It helped me evaluate my current and past romantic relationships so clearly, especially the reasons they weren’t successful and what I need to change in order to be a better partner. It also gave me insight into why certain things break down between coworkers or even friends and family. All in all, this has been the best Enneagram book for thinking outside of my number.

It’s important to note that this book is likely not the best Enneagram starter book as it starts where most other books leave off.

[E.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only read the sections which applied to me or loved ones, but this book was SUPER helpful/spot on. I’m not into astrology. I’m not a firm believer in personality tests. However, I like the enneagram. Reading the “Two—Helper” section, I felt both called out and understood by the writer. One of best on-paper therapy sessions I’ve experienced.

This book has me looking forward to more self-improvement in 2020.

Thanks, Georgia, for sending!

[Ted Tyler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is best read by people looking for their 3rd or 4th Enneagram book. It's utility is definitely the second half of the book that theorizes about how different numbers interact together. I found to be insightful in offering a theory about why different numbers can experience each other different in life and in work situations. Definitely worth a read!

[Nicole Goodman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great content but very verbose and dense language! This should supposedly be your third book on Enneagram and you can tell from how theoretical the concepts are. I enjoyed reading about Enneagram in a novel format though since it forced me to read about types that are not my own. (If I'm reading online, I just skip straight to 4w3 every time.) Recommend everyone learn about Enneagram to better understand how you connect with different types of people in your personal and professional life.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

As one reviewer said, this is probably a good second or third book for those interested in the Enneagram - this should definitely not be an intro text. The most helpful section was Part III - detailing how each type (1 with 5, 7 with 9, etc) commonly interacts with each other whether in an intimate relationship (friend/romantic partner) or in a work relationship (manager/employee). Honestly, you can just go to the Enneagram Institute website and read how each type interacts with the other type there.

I struggled with the choppy, "start and stop" writing style. I also wished the author had completely eliminated Part 2 (an in-depth discussion of each type) and had fleshed out Part III with more quotes from personal experience. Overall, this book is recommended for those interested in how to work / communicate more effectively with others - but may be more helpful as an occasional resource than as a book to be read cover to cover.

For what it's worth, this review was written by a Type 1.

[Leigh Kramer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I use this more as a reference tool, rather than a book to read from start to finish. It has proven to be very helpful thus far. Palmer shows how each type interacts with other types in both relationships and at work. The analysis for each type pairing's dynamic at work and in relationships is different, which makes sense because we relate to each other differently if we're coworkers vs. dating/married. I had a tricky dynamic with a colleague and Palmer's suggestions helped me stay on track.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This Enneagram book's strength is in its title: it focuses on how enneagram personalities play out their characteristics in their intimate romantic relationships and interpersonally in the workplace. Long read.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure I'll ever be "done" with this book. Authored by one of the top enneagram practitioners, I'll likely refer back to this book time and again. The insight into relationships between styles is really well set out in this book.

[Kelly McCord · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely should not be your first book on the Enneagram. The descriptions of each type were dense and overly clinical. There were good perspectives to be found, but I had to wade through a lot to find them.

[Noelle Marshall · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Nines like the inseparable feeling of merger. They don’t like a divisive influence, and they tend to act as mediators rather than taking sides. They are attracted to familiar, known and predictable ways of doing things, because attention is free to wander when there’s no pressure. Nines like to reflect. They like to muse and consider things. They like time off in the pleasure of a day without goals. It’s described as liking to cruise on energy rather than having to mobilize for action, liking to expand energy in a comfortable way. A great deal of energy can be extremely disorienting, unless it’s called for for a predictable activity. Energy wakes you up. For nines, that knowing can be uncomfortable. Things get worse when you know what you’re missing. It doesn’t hurt when your foot falls asleep, but it really stings when you start to walk again.

Avoiding conflict as part of a larger pattern of diverting energy from important matters. Nines are clever about energy management. They don’t have to be couch potatoes to contain their energy. High-powered activities are comfortable as long as there’s no juice left to fuel the search for a personal agenda.”

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

This is a nonfiction personal growth book.

This book walks through all the 9 types of the enneagram and how they interact in relationships and work environments. Then the 2nd half goes through all the possible pairings of how numbers interact. For example I’m a 9 married to an 8, the author writes specifically to that match relationally as well as in a work setting.

I could write a huge amount of quotes for this book. This was one of the first enneagram books that spoke into the energy level of the type 9. There was so much I liked in this book. This will be one I go back to often to reference and remind myself on.

[Melody · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 The content of this book is ok, but I found the choppy writing style very off-putting. The most helpful section was the “directory of relationships” which discussed dynamics present in romantic pairs or work pairs of the nine numbers. But even there, I wished there were more suggestions for cross-number conversation. It felt more like bullet points for problems.

[Suzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting. It’s definitely a helpful book if you’ve already done some reading about the enneagram. This delves into very specific interpersonal details. Would be nice to have as a reference material when encountering challenging relationships!

[Shinae Noh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Always appreciate Helen Palmer's insights and some narratives unparalleled in other books on the Enenagram. Interactions of all 9 types with each other are very interesting, but more values are to be found in chapter 2, especially the descriptions of Security and Risk.

Also, Helen Palmer cleverly points out that all three of the gut triads, not just the Nines, are the forgetting people who can easily fall asleep to their real desires (Eights by excess, Nines by numbing, Ones by obsessing in details) and find it easier to react than to proact. Something I should really be keeping in mind!

[Aiden Lindow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book.

Shows compatibility between your enneagram results and other numbers within the scale.

Insights into who you are as a person and what you should look for in relationships (both intimate and business).

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t read straight through but jumped around and read the parts I was interested in as this isn’t my first enneagram book. I liked her insights especially the number pairings in the back for romantic couples and work relationships.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best enneagram book I’ve read so far.

[FRan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Descripción de los nueve tipo de personalidades del eneagrama y las interacciones entre estas a nivel sentimental y laboral

[Devon Jedrzejewski]

Very insightful and I enjoyed learning about the types and how they interacted with each other.

[Analise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read everything but skimmed the directory of relationships (just read the twos). It was fine but I’ve realized reading enneagram material without the Christian lens can just feel sad. Like it just felt very descriptive and not like there was an underlying sense of purpose

[Michael S · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very alienating writing style. Did not finish the book.

[Stevie Poulin · Rating 5 out of 5]

*own

[Tanaporn · Rating 4 out of 5]

อ่านเวอร์ชันภาษาไทยแล้วงงกับสำนวนการแปลนิดหน่อย จึงให้ 4 คะแนน แต่ก็คงเป็นเพราะตัวเองยังใหม่มากสำหรับเรื่องนพลักษณ์ แล้วกระโดดไปอ่านเล่มละเอียดเลย

โดยรวมชอบมากค่ะ อ่านแล้วเข้าใจตัวเองกับผู้อื่นมากขึ้นจริง ๆ สังเกตได้จากที่คนทักว่าเราเปิดใจกว้างมากขึ้น

จากนั้นไม่นาน ซื้อหนังสือเกี่ยวกับนพลักษณ์อ่านจนเข้าใจขึ้น โยงไปถึง MBTI ที่มีพื้นฐานมาจากจิตวิทยาหมวดเดียวกัน เพราะชอบที่มันเปลี่ยนกันได้ เมื่อเวลาผ่านไป ตรงกับหลักพระพุทธศาสนาที่ว่า ไม่มีอะไรจีรังยั่งยืน แม้แต่ตัวเราเองค่ะ

[Ellie Stitzer · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was genuinely helpful for me as far as developing the words to describe how I feel/themes in my life/needs/weaknesses etc idk I am an enneagram believer I'll say it

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helen Palmer is the fourth author whose work I have read on the Enneagram. I started with Richard Rohr (The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective), tried Emotions and the Enneagram: Working Through Your Shadow Life Script and loved The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types. So I wondered, even as I requested this book from the library, whether it would have anything new to offer me. It did not disappoint.

What sets this book apart is the relationship directory. I loved reading about how various Enneagram numbers interact relationship. It was helpful to read about how challenging relationships for all 8s and 1s are - its helped me see that my daughters don't just fight because they are sisters, but because of how God made them and the priorities He has given them. And Palmer's analysis rang true again and again. As I read about the combination of my own marriage, I could see how both the strengths and weaknesses she described have played out in my life.

I wouldn't necessarily make this the first Enneagram book you read. (For that, I would go with The Wisdom of the Enneagram.) But if you are looking for a fresh perspective after having read the Riso and Hudson book, this is a good place to go. Palmer's voice throughout is non-judgmental and strives for understanding and compassion - which is exactly what I love about the Enneagram itself.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the book I've liked best out of the ones I've read on the Enneagram. It's practical - it applies the info to work and relationships rather than just offering abstract conceptual descriptions of your personality.

The book has two sections - the first describes each type in depth and the second explores how each of the types interacts with each of the other types, both on the job and in personal relationships. If you can get your partner or coworker to take an Enneagram test, it can give you a lot of insight into your interactions.

Like all good personality systems, it describes both the positive aspects and the struggles each type has. I also like how it explains not just the characteristics, but the logic behind them in each types brain. For instance, I am an 8, and it describes the worldview of an 8 as being preoccupied with truth, justice, and defending innocence.

"If undivided truth prevailed, control would be unnecessary."

I would never have come up with that description, but it hits a deep chord. That's exactly what I believe, which is why I'm preoccupied with truth - I want to expose, encourage, reveal, and remind people of the truth, because I believe it is what will heal the world and make everyone's lives better.

The Enneagram is a spiritual system and describes each personality in terms of the core wound we each have - and our personality's response to it. The 8's response is to recognize that innocence and vulnerability are seen as weakness and the strong dominate the weak, and thus they decide to be the strong ones, but also to defend the innocent - and, I think, innocence in general.

Besides understanding and validating yourself, the Enneagram is useful in becoming aware of the other types of worldviews out there - that yours isn't the only one (kind of a problem for 8s) - and to understand how to best interact with people to encourage their growth and avoid personality-based conflict.

[Richard Stuart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading for anyone in a relationship (successful, difficult, or bewildering) or for anyone looking to get into a relationship.

First of all, you will find yourself in this book. Second of all, you will understand your personality better than you ever have before. Thirdly, and hopefully, you will come to the realization that your personality isn't the totality of your 'self'... that there is a more essential 'self', a more authentic and more loving 'self' that can be activated.

Then, use the section on how the different types get along to find out what their synergies and challenges are in relating to one another! Your relationships will be profoundly illuminated!!!

If you are open and curious, this book could expand your awareness exponentially.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enlightening book on the 9 different personality types of the Enneagram and the nuances of how they may manifest and work together and against in love and work relationships. I was a little disappointed that this book did not offer a quiz so that one could determine which type they most identified with but the descriptions were detailed enough that one might correctly identify themselves.

This book isn't necessarily one that needs be read cover to cover, but one to refer to when seeking advice on how to navigate certain relationships between the types.

This book is worth considering as an aid to human relations and a guide to understanding self.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how in depth she described each of the types in this book. For me, I felt it really provided a depth of understanding how the types may be seen in romantic relationships and work situations (and how they may interact in these situations with select types). It's not a "all in one" book cause there's definitely other books I'd go to for other references and understanding, but Helen's descriptions and way of writing I've noticed does resonate with me more than some others takes on the enneagram.