This book is a compilation of Stephen Briggs' favourite passages from Discworld novels from The Colour of Magic (1985) up to and including Making Money (2007). The final five books are possibly available in a later edition.
Here is the best of the best, beginning with my favourite:
"a person ignorant of the possibility of failure can be a half-brick in the path of the bicycle of history." p. 29
"Death visits a job centre:
'It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,' Keeble said. 'Have you thought of going into teaching?'
Death's face was a mask of terror. Well, it was always a mask of terror, but this time he meant it to be." p. 38
Raymond Chandler pastiche:
"Down these mean streets a man must walk, he thought. And along some of them he will break into a run." p. 45
"It was said that everything in Ankh-Morpork was for sale except for the beer and the women, both of which one merely rented." p. 47
"In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than the soap, and much more difficult to find..." p. 47
"'There is a knocking without,' the porter said.
'Without what?' said the Fool.
'Without the door, idiot.'
'The Fool gave him a worried look. 'A knocking without a door?' he said suspiciously. 'This isn't some kind of Zen, is it?'" p. 51
"According to the history books, the decisive battle that ended the Ankh-Morpork Civil War was fought between two handfuls of bone-weary men in a swamp early one misty morning and although one side claimed victory, ended with a practical score of Humans 0, ravens 1,000, which is the case with most battles." p. 86
"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened." p. 86
"Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University, was a shameless autocondimentor*.
*Someone who will put certainly salt and probably pepper on any meal you put in front of them whatever it is and regardless of how much it's got on it already and regardless of how it tastes. Behavioural psychiatrists working for fast-food outlets around the universe have saved billions of whatever the local currency is by noting the autocondimenting phenomenon and advising their employers to leave seasoning out in the first place. This is really true." p. 94
"The Four Horsemen whose Ride presages the end of the world are known to be Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. But even less significant events have their own Horsemen. For example, the Four Horsemen of the Common Cold are Sniffles, Chesty, Nostril and Lack of Tissues; the Four Horsemen whose appearance foreshadows any public holiday are Storm, Gales, Sleet and Contra-flow*." p. 144-145
*"(Automotive Engineering) Brit two-way traffic on one carriageway of a motorway, esp to allow maintenance work to be carried out or an accident to be cleared." (The Free Dictionary)
"'All right,' said Susan. 'I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need . . . fantasies to make life bearable.'
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHER THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
'Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—?
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
'So we can believe the big ones?'
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
'They're not the same at all!'
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET— Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME . . . SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
'Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—
MY POINT EXACTLY. p. 173.
"...something that distinguishes the Mr Windlings of the universe is the term 'in my humble opinion', which they think adds weight to their statements rather than indicating, in reality, 'these are the mean little views of someone with the social grace of duckweed'..." p. 209
"Leonard of Quirm was so absent-mindedly clever that he could paint pictures that didn't just follow you around the room but went home with you and did the washing-up." p. 225
"Glint, glisten, glitter, gleam . . .
Tiffany thought a lot about words. 'Onomatopoeic', she'd discovered in the dictionary, meant words that sounded like the noise of the thing they were describing, like 'cuckoo'. But she thought there should be a word meaning 'a word that sounds like the noise a thing would make if that thing made a noise even though, actually, it doesn't, but would if it did'.
Glint for example. If light made a noise as it reflected off a distant window, it'd go 'glint!' And the light of tinsel, all those little glints chiming together, would make a noise like 'glitterglitter'. 'Gleam' was a clean, smooth noise from a surface that intended to shine all day. And 'glisten' was the soft, almost greasy sound of something rich and oily." p. 249
"'I'm an Igor, thur, we don't athk quethtionth.'
'Really? Why not?'
'I don't know, thur. I didn't athk.'" p. 293
Libraries:
"The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the last date shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality." p. 70
"'We're a university! We have to have a library!' said Ridcully. 'What sort of people would we be if we didn't go into the Library?
'Students,' said the Senior Wrangler morosely." p. 188
"By law and tradition the great Library of Unseen University is open to the public, although they aren't allowed as far as the magical shelves. They don't realize this, however, since the rules of time and space are twisted inside the Library and so hundreds of miles of shelving can easily be concealed inside a space roughly the thickness of paint.
People flock in, nevertheless, in search of answers to those questions only librarians are considered to be able to answer such as 'Is this the laundry?' 'How do you spell surreptitious?' and, on a regular basis: 'Do you have a book I remember reading once? It had a red cover and it turned out they were twins.'" p. 269
"Ridcully practised the First Available Surface method of filing." p. 270
Hats:
"No one knew better than Granny Weatherwax that hats were important. They weren't just clothing. Hats defined the head. They defined who you were. No one had ever heard of a wizard without a pointy hat – at least, no wizard worth speaking of. And you certainly never heard of a witch without one... It wasn't the wearing of the hats that counted so much as having one to wear. Every trade, every craft had its hat. That's why kings had hats. Take the crown off a king and all you had was someone good at having a weak chin and waving to people. Hats had power. Hats were important." p. 106
"...'That was an incredible feat of reasoning,' the woman said at last. 'Whatever kind of hat I've got on, you say it proves I'm a witch, yes?'
'Well, the frog sitting on your hat is a bit of a clue, too,' said Tiffany.
'I'm a toad, actually, said the creature, which had been peering at Tiffany from between the paper flowers.
'You're very yellow for a toad.'
'I've been a bit ill,' said the toad.
'And you talk,' said Tiffany.
'You only have my word for it,' said the toad, disappearing into the paper flowers. 'You can't prove anything.'
'Witches have animals they can talk to, called familiars. Like your toad there.'
'I'm not familiar,' said a voice from among the paper flowers. 'I'm just slightly presumptuous.'" p. 247, 248
Vimes of the City Watch:
"Vimes snorted. I grew up here, he thought, and when I walk down the street everyone says, 'Who's that glum bugger?' Carrot's been here a few months and everyone knows him. And he knows everyone. Everyone likes him. I'd be annoyed about that if only he wasn't so likeable." p. 127
Commander Vimes speaks to one of the Rank and File:
"'What is it I'm always telling you?'
'Never trust anybody, sir?'
'No, not that.'
'Everyone's guilty of something, sir?'
'Not that, either.'
'Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk, sir?'
'N–– When did I say that?'
'Last week, sir. After we'd had that visit form the Campaign for Equal Heights, sir.' p. 162
The Patrician, Lord Vetinary:
The tyrant of Ankh-Morpork tries pizza for the first time:
"'What's this?'
'A Klatchian Hots without anchovies,' said Vimes, lifting the cover. 'We got it from Ron's Pizza Hovel round the corner.'
'Has someone already eaten this, Vimes?'
'No, sir. That's just how they chop up the food.'
'Oh, I see. I thought perhaps the food-tasters were getting overenthusiastic,' said the Patrician...'" p. 161
"'Is he allowed to do that?'
'I think it comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico.'
'Yes, what does that mean?'
'"Because I say so", I think.'
'That doesn't sound like much of a rule!'
'Actually, it's the only one he needs.' p. 294
"'Every problem is an opportunity,' said Moist.
'Well if you upset Vetinary again you will have a wonderful opportunity to never have to buy a hat.'
'No, I think he likes a little opposition.'
'And are you any good at knowing how much?'
'No. It's what I enjoy. You get a wonderful view from the point of no return.'" p. 295
The best part of this book is – of course – that it inspires you to reread one of the master's pieces.