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Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self
More than personal boundaries, this book is really about relationships--healthy and unhealthy ones. Here bestselling author and psychotherapist Charles Whitfield blends theories and dynamics from several disciplines into practical knowledge and actions that your can use in your relationships right now.
This comprehensive book opens with clear definitions and descriptions of boundaries, a self-assessment survey and a history of our accumulated knowledge. Going deeper, it describes the 10 essential areas of human interaction wherein you can improve your relationships. These include age regression, giving and receiving (projection and projective identification), triangles, core recovery issues, basic dynamics, unfinished business and spirituality. It shows in countless practical ways how knowledge of each of these is most useful in your recovery and everyday life.
290 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1993
111 people are currently reading
687 people want to read
About the author
Charles L. Whitfield
40 books81 followersCharles L. Whitfield, M.D., is a physician, psychotherapist, author and internationally recognized expert on mental illness, behavioral problems, and recovery from addiction and trauma. He was on the faculty of the Rutgers University Summer Institute of Alcohol and Drug Studies from 1978 through 2003, and in private practice of addiction medicine and psychotherapy since 1976. He has also been a consultant and collaborator at the CDC in Atlanta since 1998. He has been voted by his peers as one of the Best Doctors in America every year since 1993. He lives in Atlanta, GA, and is in private practice with his wife, author and therapist, Barbara Harris Whitfield.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
October 22, 2022
Contains real and vital insights about boundaries, but often insights are so enmeshed with religious dogma that it is hard to tell which is which. According to the author I am forever stunted in my growth as a person because I do not believe in his invisible friend in the sky. A book on healthy boundaries that forces the authors religious views down your throat by the threat of stunted growth. Oh the irony!
"higher power" or "god" is mentioned 105 times.
To my mind this extreme, completely unexplained, and completely unsubstantiated dependence on god to fix things robs the book of most of its credibility.
How do we find our worth? "we learn that we are a good, whole and perfect child of God."
"our True Self knows that it can co-create its life by connecting to its Higher Power"
"we extend our Love and expand ourself so that, in concert with the God of our understanding, we can co-create success and joy in our life. This appears to be the most evolved experience that we can have as a human being."
The relationship with god that the book recommends also seems suspiciously similar to the triangles that he talks about as being primarily destructive. In fact a diagram illustrating it is a literal triangle. And in this case there is absolutely zero proof that the entity you are talking to even exists. Jesus! (pun intended)
Additionally, the book - in my my opinion - fails to actually explain the real insights and I understand them only through other books that I have read. Instead of real explanations the book severely misuses metaphors. I consider a metaphor to be a tool for communication of ideas, for elucidation. When it instead becomes the understanding and you talk about "true self" and "inner child" as if they were real things the metaphor becomes a hindrance to true insight in my opinion.
Perhaps this way of "explaining" things relates to the authors assertion that our true self is intuitive while our false self is rational and logical. No kidding. He seriously appears to claim that when we employ logic and rational thinking that is our false self in action.
Let me clarify that I'm utterly convinced of the absolute necessity of utilizing intuition. It is where all our understandings and insights come from. It is the light bulb moment. But most of the light bulb moments turn out to be illusory! Intuition is awesome for presenting ideas. But to validate them we absolutely must follow up with a rational logical examination of our ideas.
The author appears to disagree about the need for rational examination of ideas. He appears to consider his intuitions and metaphors to be valid just because he intuited them. At least that seems to explain why the book is shock full of assertions and very very lacking in explanations.
"higher power" or "god" is mentioned 105 times.
To my mind this extreme, completely unexplained, and completely unsubstantiated dependence on god to fix things robs the book of most of its credibility.
How do we find our worth? "we learn that we are a good, whole and perfect child of God."
"our True Self knows that it can co-create its life by connecting to its Higher Power"
"we extend our Love and expand ourself so that, in concert with the God of our understanding, we can co-create success and joy in our life. This appears to be the most evolved experience that we can have as a human being."
The relationship with god that the book recommends also seems suspiciously similar to the triangles that he talks about as being primarily destructive. In fact a diagram illustrating it is a literal triangle. And in this case there is absolutely zero proof that the entity you are talking to even exists. Jesus! (pun intended)
Additionally, the book - in my my opinion - fails to actually explain the real insights and I understand them only through other books that I have read. Instead of real explanations the book severely misuses metaphors. I consider a metaphor to be a tool for communication of ideas, for elucidation. When it instead becomes the understanding and you talk about "true self" and "inner child" as if they were real things the metaphor becomes a hindrance to true insight in my opinion.
Perhaps this way of "explaining" things relates to the authors assertion that our true self is intuitive while our false self is rational and logical. No kidding. He seriously appears to claim that when we employ logic and rational thinking that is our false self in action.
Let me clarify that I'm utterly convinced of the absolute necessity of utilizing intuition. It is where all our understandings and insights come from. It is the light bulb moment. But most of the light bulb moments turn out to be illusory! Intuition is awesome for presenting ideas. But to validate them we absolutely must follow up with a rational logical examination of our ideas.
The author appears to disagree about the need for rational examination of ideas. He appears to consider his intuitions and metaphors to be valid just because he intuited them. At least that seems to explain why the book is shock full of assertions and very very lacking in explanations.
October 13, 2019
This is the second book on boundaries that's from a patriarchal monotheist point of view, although this one doesn't jam it down your throat as much as the previous one, and this one actually has useful stuff in it. I think that imposing your religion on others is a violation of boundaries.
There were also too many references to his other books. In other words, he was promoting them (you'll learn more about this if you read my book, so-and-so) in the midst of this book.
There were also too many references to his other books. In other words, he was promoting them (you'll learn more about this if you read my book, so-and-so) in the midst of this book.
February 9, 2021
I was massively disappointed in this book. I thought it was going to be a self-help type of book, so I didn’t have very high expectations of it to begin with. But I did expect to learn just exactly what the author and his colleagues meant by the term ‘boundary.’
That didn’t happen. He repeated the idea over and over that a boundary (in the sense we are talking about here) is something that separates your psychological ‘stuff’ from mine. We are also told many other possible characteristics of boundaries. But having read the entire book I don’t find that I know anything more about psychological boundaries than I did before.
The problem appears to be that this book is intended for people who have been in psychotherapy for a while already, or for people who are in training to be psychiatrists or psychologists. In addition to ‘boundaries,’ these people will probably understand just what is meant by terms like ‘True Self,’ and ‘working through’ an ‘issue.’ Maybe.
I was further put off by the idea that the author seems to think (and quotes somebody else to the effect) that over 90% of people are to varying degrees co-dependent and need to be in therapy for five years or more to ‘work through’ all their ‘issues’ so they can get to know their True Self.
This is a real shame because it sounds like learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries, as well as when to lower them would be highly beneficial for many people.
That didn’t happen. He repeated the idea over and over that a boundary (in the sense we are talking about here) is something that separates your psychological ‘stuff’ from mine. We are also told many other possible characteristics of boundaries. But having read the entire book I don’t find that I know anything more about psychological boundaries than I did before.
The problem appears to be that this book is intended for people who have been in psychotherapy for a while already, or for people who are in training to be psychiatrists or psychologists. In addition to ‘boundaries,’ these people will probably understand just what is meant by terms like ‘True Self,’ and ‘working through’ an ‘issue.’ Maybe.
I was further put off by the idea that the author seems to think (and quotes somebody else to the effect) that over 90% of people are to varying degrees co-dependent and need to be in therapy for five years or more to ‘work through’ all their ‘issues’ so they can get to know their True Self.
This is a real shame because it sounds like learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries, as well as when to lower them would be highly beneficial for many people.
May 9, 2015
Some interesting clarification. But overall I didn't like the writing style, I found all his references to other books he's written frustrating, and the numerous charts and tables were confusing and distracting.
November 22, 2012
For me this book took a little time to get rolling. The initial information had too much of a flavor of pop psychology for my taste (as is often the case with self help books). But it did eventually begin to take off and actually the information has proven very useful.
Although I have been in therapy for many years, I came to realize through this book that my understanding of healthy boundaries was poor. I also came to realize that I was not very articular with speaking up when my personal boundaries were crossed.
This is a very helpful book, if you can persevere past the initial chapters and get to the heart of it. I do recommend it.
Although I have been in therapy for many years, I came to realize through this book that my understanding of healthy boundaries was poor. I also came to realize that I was not very articular with speaking up when my personal boundaries were crossed.
This is a very helpful book, if you can persevere past the initial chapters and get to the heart of it. I do recommend it.
November 11, 2022
I was expecting a practical book on how to set boundaries but this is far grander than that. A lot of psychological information and the practical content on boundaries is quite limited. But the content on the difference between codependence and compassion was very interesting, and I liked the questionnaire at the start which helped you identify what types of boundaries you need to improve. It’s definitely useful for raising awareness of where you need to focus your attention. Slight mentions of God again!
November 28, 2022
Honestly might be not logical of me to rate it since I haven't read it in full, but it is very religious and not scientific at all. The start was great but then something went down very very fast. Don't get me wrong, religious isn't bad, but for a book on boundaries and relationships I'd like to see more psychology and research on what actually works.
April 25, 2016
I like anything written by Charles Whitfield and find his style of writing wonderful. This book also contains wonderful information to assist one in honoring their Soul. Overall, this is a terrific work that truly serves others.
January 9, 2009
I learned a lot about my PTSD and codependency, as well as how to differentiate myself and my responsibilities from those of others.
June 2, 2009
LOTS to think about and LOTS of work ahead. Looking forward to reading Whitfield's other books.
July 9, 2010
what *didn't* i learn?! mostly helped me make sense of why i see things the way I do sometimes
September 25, 2010
So far, I've learned I'm not crazy!! What a relief!
Seriously - it's not quite what I'm used to reading, but I've been very empowerd by discoveries made while reading this book. Worth the read!
Seriously - it's not quite what I'm used to reading, but I've been very empowerd by discoveries made while reading this book. Worth the read!
May 9, 2012
Never bad to revisit this topic and read a well regarded source.
Read
December 21, 2015textbook
August 2, 2015
Boundaries are a big deal in having healthy and good relationships. This book was a great help in understanding how to have healthy boundaries.
February 3, 2023
This is a real "parson's egg" of a book - good in parts.
Let me start by giving the bad news.
Throughout the book, I had the sense of wanting to reorganise the contents significantly. It seemed to me that the author mentioned some things as the book proceeded that could have been rolled up into a chapter or chapters on the context for learning to set boundaries. These were the parts of the book that describe what it means to grow up in a dysfunctional family, the impact of that on setting boundaries and, indeed, what a journey of healing, maturing and recovery entails. Because the author didn't do this at the beginning, ideas popped up that weren't explained (such as "recovery") until quite late and there were repetitions that weren't entirely helpful.
I know some readers are not overly fond of references to God and spirituality. This didn't bother me particularly, but it might well have formed part of the early section I describe above, with clear explanations of what the author means by "God" and other related concepts.
Like some other readers, I wasn't overly fond of references to other books, and I think these could have been included but handled more elegantly, for example with an explanation early on that there would be footnotes to point readers to previous books of the author's which offer lengthier explanations of certain concepts.
Oh, and there was an appendix additional chapter that I skimmed over. It's quite rare for me to get this far into a book and not read it all.
There is also "good news", or at least there was for me.
I don't want to attempt to provide an organised critique which names everything in this book that was of value. To do that, I would probably need to do the "reorganising" that I refer to above. Having said that, there were many concepts and ideas that I found really valuable. Some of it confirmed what I already knew and still, I found the confirmation really valuable.
The author made the distinction, for example, between a "safe" and an "unsafe" person and this really chimed for me. It provided a valuable context for thinking about boundaries. There was significant content relating to boundaries with someone who is unsafe, including a chapter on boundaries and age regression and another on boundaries and projective identification. There were other valuable distinctions, too, such us the distinction between "healthy" and "unhealthy" narcissism.
At times, the author included stories to illustrate and also various graphics and tables. I found all of the stories valuable and at least some of the graphics.
The content of the book was certainly valuable. However, my rating also reflects my conviction that the material presented could be better organised.
Let me start by giving the bad news.
Throughout the book, I had the sense of wanting to reorganise the contents significantly. It seemed to me that the author mentioned some things as the book proceeded that could have been rolled up into a chapter or chapters on the context for learning to set boundaries. These were the parts of the book that describe what it means to grow up in a dysfunctional family, the impact of that on setting boundaries and, indeed, what a journey of healing, maturing and recovery entails. Because the author didn't do this at the beginning, ideas popped up that weren't explained (such as "recovery") until quite late and there were repetitions that weren't entirely helpful.
I know some readers are not overly fond of references to God and spirituality. This didn't bother me particularly, but it might well have formed part of the early section I describe above, with clear explanations of what the author means by "God" and other related concepts.
Like some other readers, I wasn't overly fond of references to other books, and I think these could have been included but handled more elegantly, for example with an explanation early on that there would be footnotes to point readers to previous books of the author's which offer lengthier explanations of certain concepts.
Oh, and there was an appendix additional chapter that I skimmed over. It's quite rare for me to get this far into a book and not read it all.
There is also "good news", or at least there was for me.
I don't want to attempt to provide an organised critique which names everything in this book that was of value. To do that, I would probably need to do the "reorganising" that I refer to above. Having said that, there were many concepts and ideas that I found really valuable. Some of it confirmed what I already knew and still, I found the confirmation really valuable.
The author made the distinction, for example, between a "safe" and an "unsafe" person and this really chimed for me. It provided a valuable context for thinking about boundaries. There was significant content relating to boundaries with someone who is unsafe, including a chapter on boundaries and age regression and another on boundaries and projective identification. There were other valuable distinctions, too, such us the distinction between "healthy" and "unhealthy" narcissism.
At times, the author included stories to illustrate and also various graphics and tables. I found all of the stories valuable and at least some of the graphics.
The content of the book was certainly valuable. However, my rating also reflects my conviction that the material presented could be better organised.
February 9, 2022
Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. 288 pages 7 hours and 11 minutes read by Jonathan Yen plus 85 pages on PDF
Genre: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Improvement, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health
Featuring: Sensitive Truths, Spirituality, Childhood Evaluations, Trauma Recovery, Learning One's Self, Relationship Drama
Rating as a movie: G
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Quotes: "By choosing recovery and risking to be real, we set the healthy boundaries that say, "I am in charge of my recovery and my life, and no one else on this Earth is."
"Contacting and living from our True Self is the central task of personal growth."
"Submitting to others, rather than affirming our own reality, is the heart of active co-dependence—we give up our own inner world in order to be accepted by others."
My thoughts: 8% - So, I've read only had the PG content on boundaries noted.
45% - This is very informative, life changing stuff.
79% - This will require a reread. There is so much information to absorb that you can't apply it all. It is very good.
This was deep! I felt like I was in a class. I highly recommend this book; it was groundbreaking. That stuff about triangles, amazing.
Recommend to others?: Yes, even if you think you have healthy boundaries, read this book, you may need a tune-up, or you may just need to be aware of the snares in the world.
Genre: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Improvement, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health
Featuring: Sensitive Truths, Spirituality, Childhood Evaluations, Trauma Recovery, Learning One's Self, Relationship Drama
Rating as a movie: G
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Quotes: "By choosing recovery and risking to be real, we set the healthy boundaries that say, "I am in charge of my recovery and my life, and no one else on this Earth is."
"Contacting and living from our True Self is the central task of personal growth."
"Submitting to others, rather than affirming our own reality, is the heart of active co-dependence—we give up our own inner world in order to be accepted by others."
My thoughts: 8% - So, I've read only had the PG content on boundaries noted.
45% - This is very informative, life changing stuff.
79% - This will require a reread. There is so much information to absorb that you can't apply it all. It is very good.
This was deep! I felt like I was in a class. I highly recommend this book; it was groundbreaking. That stuff about triangles, amazing.
Recommend to others?: Yes, even if you think you have healthy boundaries, read this book, you may need a tune-up, or you may just need to be aware of the snares in the world.
December 16, 2018
The unique quality of this book compared to others in the genre is that it goes into significantly more depth. It is highbrow. However, if you can follow him, the insights are profound.
I especially love how he talks about age-regression, projective identification, and how letting go of boundaries is JUST AS necessary as having them in the first place. In a world where it's all about showing our power (as if we're somehow weak if we show mercy instead), it is so encouraging to read that letting go of these boundaries is the natural progression of healing our "self," and of spiritual growth.
This, to me, reinforces my belief that in Western culture, we're in an emotional dark age, and we haven't quite hit the next enlightenment period. Yet. When we do, however, it will be in the realm of emotional intelligence. The info is out there, already.. and it's in this book.
I especially love how he talks about age-regression, projective identification, and how letting go of boundaries is JUST AS necessary as having them in the first place. In a world where it's all about showing our power (as if we're somehow weak if we show mercy instead), it is so encouraging to read that letting go of these boundaries is the natural progression of healing our "self," and of spiritual growth.
This, to me, reinforces my belief that in Western culture, we're in an emotional dark age, and we haven't quite hit the next enlightenment period. Yet. When we do, however, it will be in the realm of emotional intelligence. The info is out there, already.. and it's in this book.
November 21, 2024
I’m off work on leave and listening to audiobooks to fill my time. I’m reading the books related to my childhood trauma. It all started at home with my parents. To be fair my parents were good in most areas but they never took an interest in my hobbies or interest and were religious. They made some bad choices (mainly my mom) and some of her narcissistic friends she had. My mom was an empath and did not know she was attracting narcissists. So one area of correction I had to do was put up rules and boundaries for myself. Strict ones. Now I am reparenting myself giving myself the stuff my parents never gave me. It is starting to work. That inner child voice has been less and less. I would recommend this book for anyone who has problems with rules and boundaries.
October 5, 2022
A good book in looking at the world from the perspective of boundaries. Some of the concepts were too abstract and complicated for me to grasp and comprehend.
I do appreciate framework. The book also contains a workbook, this will put people off because most don’t want to work while they read. I think it was a good booklet though and constructive as the concepts are not intuitive to people who struggle.
The book explains very clearly how co-dependence is a breakdown of boundaries where two reality Become one.
This book warrants a re-read in a few months.
Not an easy read but one I would recommend to co-dependants or people who struggle to establish and enforce appropriate boundaries.
I do appreciate framework. The book also contains a workbook, this will put people off because most don’t want to work while they read. I think it was a good booklet though and constructive as the concepts are not intuitive to people who struggle.
The book explains very clearly how co-dependence is a breakdown of boundaries where two reality Become one.
This book warrants a re-read in a few months.
Not an easy read but one I would recommend to co-dependants or people who struggle to establish and enforce appropriate boundaries.
October 1, 2019
I struggled through this book as long as I could but couldn't finish it. I listened to the audio book and didn't enjoy the narrator which was an initial problem. I persevered but the constant references to his other works, religious focus and other uncomfortable formats let me down. He also frequently refers to being in recovery but at no point defines what he means by that or explains. But it seems "good" aware people are in recovery and "bad" or ignorant people are not. I didn't gain much from this book unfortunately and would not recommend.
March 28, 2020
This book 📖 has a ton to absorb so much relating to both boundaries and relationships will take a 2nd reading for me personally to fully understand n get all the author intended for the reader to receive, this is a book that would of helped me so much much earlier age, gives clarity n wisdom to the reader that had me taking notes, one part had me deeply thinking so true “”We LEARN to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES and limits so we can OWN WHAT IS OURS and NOT TAKE ON ANYTHING that is NOT OURS, others may still try to project material from their INNER LIFE onto us”” food for thought indeed 📝 📖
April 7, 2024
7%
Excuse me I think my eyes might be deceiving me this morning as I woke up rather early, but it looks like the author is a medical doctor. From what quack College? Who failed this man? All a lot of the facts most of the facts in this book are made up, there is nothing he didn't cite any sources for a reason, this is just bullshit, and I don't say that lightly it's ridiculous, it's a joke, it's his own personal conspiracy, he just grabs a handful of excuses and throws them at the dart board and says these are your problems. He's nuts.
Excuse me I think my eyes might be deceiving me this morning as I woke up rather early, but it looks like the author is a medical doctor. From what quack College? Who failed this man? All a lot of the facts most of the facts in this book are made up, there is nothing he didn't cite any sources for a reason, this is just bullshit, and I don't say that lightly it's ridiculous, it's a joke, it's his own personal conspiracy, he just grabs a handful of excuses and throws them at the dart board and says these are your problems. He's nuts.
June 23, 2019
This is a hard one to rate. At times dry and bleh but it had so many important things that I knew to keep reading. If I have to pick a single thing I loved it was the personal bill of rights at the end. The next favorite thing was the teaching that part of detangling from bad relationships is accepting that you'll be perceived as the bad guy. It's not real but it is a true cost. I'm glad I finally finished this book.
December 5, 2023
God! So much God and higher powers! I found useful concepts that were well defined and illustrated here, but I felt quite awkward for the author, who seems to have written exclusively for a religious audience. Even though there are other kinds of readers with different world views who may benefit from it.
Also as it ends, it has quotes from some authors that I do not think should belong in a serious psychology discussion, like this.
Also as it ends, it has quotes from some authors that I do not think should belong in a serious psychology discussion, like this.
March 16, 2018
Boundaries are beautiful things. I found this one a little too clinical and also, if you took out all of the references to what the author will talk about in later chapters of mentioned in earlier chapters, the book would be a third shorter. Not a bad read though and there was plenty of good info here.
September 8, 2018
The messages in this book were really vital for my own journey but it took a lot to get past the need for a good edit and better diagrams. It has been a really useful read for me right now. If I was in a different place in my journey (earlier stage) then perhaps I would not have found it so useful - or been able to read the meaning rather than the language.
April 3, 2021
Super helpful read for anyone who has grown up in a dysfunctional home and needs to flex their muscles to set up these proper boundaries to thrive in live. Boundaries that we didn't know existed, nor were we allowed to have them as children, and now we're able to learn what they are and how to create them.
May 12, 2022
Super quick and easy read. Also, very eye opening! I love the quiz included that allows you to pinpoint the types of boundary issues you may be facing in your relationships. I would highly recommend for anyone to read that feels overwhelmed or passive in their relationships (both romantic and platonic).
August 16, 2023
A decent book about boundaries for those who are interested in learning more about how to have health boundaries in the relationships in their lives. I've read better books on this topic (at least, ones that resonated more for me), but this one offered some worthwhile insights and I still enjoyed it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews