The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron

Do you fall in love hard, but fear intimacy? Are you sick of being told that you are “too sensitive”? Do you struggle to respect a less-sensitive partner? Or have you given up on love, afraid of being too sensitive or shy to endure its wounds?

Statistics show that 50 percent of what determines divorce is genetic temperament. And, if you are one of the 20 percent of people who are born highly sensitive, the risk of an unhappy relationship is especially high. Your finely tuned nervous system, which picks up on subtleties and reflects deeply, would be a romantic asset if both you and your partner understood you better. But without that understanding, your sensitivity is likely to be making your close relationships painful and complicated.

Based on Elaine N. Aron’s groundbreaking research on temperament and intimacy, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love offers practical help for highly sensitive people seeking happier, healthier romantic relationships. From low-stress fighting to sensitive sexuality, the book offers a wealth of practical advice on making the most of all personality combinations. Complete with illuminating self-tests and the results of the first survey ever done on sex and temperament, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love will help you discover a better way of living and loving.


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Love, Mental Health, Personal Development

290 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Sherri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Favorite quote - regarding HSP and HSS

"...living my life with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brakes..."

[Therese · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't read this book all through, but skimmed it. The big insight for me was that the high sensitivity trait (which is clearly one I have) can combine with another trait called high sensation-seeking, meaning that one seeks "varied, novel, complex, and intense sensations and experiences" and is willing "to take physical, social, legal, and financial risks for the sake of experience." The two traits are independent of each other, so you can have both or neither or one but not the other. But if you are both, which again, I think I am, it has a lot of implications for relationships. Everyone seeks a balance between being stimulated enough but not too much in life. However, the balance is especially tricky for people who are both highly sensitive and highly sensation-seeking, because you have a more narrow and constantly shifting sweet spot between being overwhelmed and getting bored.

[Heidi Wiechert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Author Elaine Aron defines "highly sensitive persons" (HSPs) and gives a plethora of coping mechanisms as well as case studies to support the definition. She also includes tests so you can discover where you are in the HSP world.

"The trait was always there, of course, just called by other names. But its essential elements were not known, so it was described by external behaviors only, such as 'shy' or 'introverted.'" pg 54, ebook

This was only the second book I've read about HSPs. Prior to this, I have heard HSPs being described as having sensory processing disorders, which exist on a spectrum like most everything else in the psychology universe, or simple shyness.

"My term for it is sensory processing sensitivity, but the same trait is also called environmental sensitivity or reactivity; biological sensitivity to context; differential susceptibility or vantage sensitivity; or identified by the names of certain genetic variations or as in animals, sometimes termed behavioral plasticity or flexibility." pg 82, ebook

Despite my lack of background in the topic, there was very little new information in this book. A big take-away was to improve your communication style and keep in touch with the people in your life who love you. So many problems can be cleared up with clear, concise communication.

Also, attempt to address any troubles you may have from a dysfunctional childhood or relationships prior to embarking on a new relationship. Healer, heal thyself.

Another coping mechanism I use regularly, but didn't realize I did, is handling over arousal. Whenever I find myself being overwhelmed by life, I find a backroom and take a minute or two to myself. Sometimes I just breathe. If I'm not at work, I pick up a book or get a hot drink.

"Anger is a highly stimulating emotion. HSPs are strongly affected by it, even when we just witness it. pg 77, ebook

Aron encourages readers to find their "optimal level of arousal" since it varies from person to person. Know yourself and your limits, and tell your loved ones. Also, give yourself permission to turn off your sensitivity. It may seem silly- but that never occurred to me.

"All HSPs, men or women, are more aware of what other people are feeling, what they want and need. Thanks to your spontaneous deep processing, you also can sense what will happen if others don't receive what they need- they may suffer, fail at what they want to do, become angry with you, feel disappointed with you. And being more sensitive, when they feel bad, you will be bothered too... pg 56, ebook

I tried to treat everyone the same and it led to some serious problems in my personal as well as professional life.

One of the most helpful parts of this book was Aron's invitation to reframe my past in light of my new self knowledge. Prior to learning about HSPs, I was barely functioning in a world that didn't necessary make room for me. Now I know I'm not alone in this- and have more tools in my metaphorical belt to help me get through the day.

I'm not entirely convinced by the final section of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love that discusses HSPs being more spiritual or falling harder in love than non-HSPs. It's a romantic sentiment perhaps, but I was unconvinced by the evidence. I think we're all in this love game together.

Recommended for readers who are or have a loved one who is a highly sensitive person. I'm curious to know what others in the community think about this book. If you do have a chance to pick it up, please write a review and let me know. :)

[Steven · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got a few things out of this, but the spirituality was a little distracting, and there was very little actual direction. "Make sure to avoid doing this or change this habit" but no "here's an effective way to break this habit."

I learned a few things about myself as an HSP and HSS, so there's that.

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book changed my life.

JDN 2456163 EDT 15:48.

A review of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love

I mean that quite literally: While I only finished reading it, already I am re-evaluating whole swaths of my experience and restructuring fundamental notions of my identity as a result. It was like looking at a page full of dots that made no sense before, and suddenly seeing them coalesce into a coherent image. Afterward, I couldn't make the image go away if I tried.

I am a sensitive. Elaine Aron would call me an HSP, a Highly Sensitive Person. I prefer the substantive adjective “sensitive” because HSP, being an acronym, sounds too clinical, too impersonal. But of course that's exactly the sort of thing a sensitive would say. A non-sensitive (I'm tempted to call them “insensitives” but I'll be more neutral in my terminology) would not notice such subtleties of word cadence and association.

So many things now fit together: why my romantic partners often call me “clingy” or “intense”, why I can't stand alcohol or loud noises, why the music I like is so difficult to place into a genre, why I am a perfectionist, why I have such poor self-esteem, why I suffer from anxiety and depression, why I don't like wearing jeans, why I have certain features of my sexuality, perhaps even why I have eczema and seasonal allergies. All these things are connected to a unified genetic trait that a certain minority of people have, sensitivity. (Aron says 20%, that seems high, but maybe I'm a particularly extreme case, perhaps the top 1%.)

If it has done so much to bring my life into focus and make me re-evaluate my depression and anxiety, why then can't I endorse this book 100%? Why would I only give it 4 stars out of 5?

Why? Because Aron is far too deeply immersed in Carl Jung and New Age spirituality. Especially in the last chapter, when she just lets it run wild, and waxes poetic about the Divine and the Self. It's very grating, particularly to an atheist who is also a sensitive like me.

I even sort of like Jung (and Freud for that matter), as a stepping stone to higher understanding. Jung is like Newton; he made this huge groundbreaking advance, which has since been superseded. He was wrong, but wrong in such a spectacularly right sort of way that many of his ideas are still useful as approximations. But Aron takes Jung completely literally, as if his every word were gospel. The result is like programming a GPS satellite on Newtonian parameters—only barely wrong, but wrong enough to make all the difference. No, my dreams are not a window into the collective spirit. My dreams are a window into my unconscious brain. Still useful, no doubt; but they have to be interpreted on that scientific basis. Dreaming of being a woman (as I occasionally do, but quite rarely) doesn't mean that the universal spirit of femininity is speaking to me—but it might well have something to say about my gender identity and expression. And the reason so many people have nightmares about snakes and so many religions have stories about snakes is that snakes used to be a leading cause of death about a million years ago, and this made an impression on the genes that manufacture our brains. It's not mystical or magical; but it is certainly real and important.

Some of Aron's most Jungian moments are when she explains attachment style entirely by young childhood experiences with parents, which is actually a bit Freudian as well. I think this is quite misguided; I have an awful attachment style (mostly fearful avoidant and partly preoccupied), but as far as I can tell my parents have always been good to me, certainly not abusive or neglectful and I don't even think overindulgent or overprotective—well, maybe a little at times. If you're looking for an experiential reason, I blame my romantic partners, none of whom have ever understood my sensitivity and most of whom have reacted to it in all the wrong ways. Genevieve was only 13 at the time (I was 14), so she I can't really blame her (in fact I think she is a sensitive too). Amber (we were both 16) didn't quite understand my sensitivity either, but she handled it much better, and all that went wrong was that our journey ended and she had to return to Alaska while I returned to Michigan. But then there was Cory, who just wanted my body and had no interest in my mind—by then I was 19 and he was 21. There were a few other men during that time when I felt that this sort of meaningless sex was all I could get (I don't even remember their names). And when I finally felt safe enough to love again, I opened up to Jane and she immediately broke me into tiny shards (if you're keeping score, we were both 22). Lan might have healed me, for he did appreciate me in the right way, but we were ultimately incompatible. And then Jane made it even worse by hooking up with one of my best friends—foolishly I gave him permission, not realizing how much it would hurt me. (I felt glad, and guilty that I was glad, when they broke up.) And now two more years have ticked by and I have no one, and only faint hope that this will change any time soon. I think I might be ready to love again... or nearly so... but I am so very terrified of what will surely go wrong this time. That is where I get my fearful avoidance.

Aron even has the audacity to tie attachment style to religion, noting that sensitives who are fearful avoidant are more likely to be atheists. Whether that's true or not (most of her research seems to be pretty good, so let's accept it arguendo), it certainly doesn't mean what she infers it to mean, which is that atheists are afraid of a relationship with God. (My own hypothesis? Fearful avoidants are painfully aware of how much life can hurt, and this provides them with compelling evidence that theism which believes in a benevolent deity can't possibly be correct. There are more atheists in foxholes—as the statistics on religious belief in the military versus in comparable socioeconomic demographics plainly attest.)

This gets especially frustrating because she is right about one thing: Sensitives care more about these issues. Things that most people think are just “matters of opinion” that can be more or less ignored for most purposes, sensitives realize are questions of literally cosmic importance. We are moved to higher purposes, often so much that the ordinary world around us seems mundane or even petty by comparison. While non-sensitives complain about gas prices, sensitives are shaking their heads and trying to plan for global warming. While non-sensitives are watching football, sensitives are watching the rovers on Mars.

Is it worth reading? Yes, especially if you think you might be a sensitive (it comes with a convenient self-test). But it could definitely have been improved by a more rational, empirical approach without all the mumbo-jumbo and mysticism.

[Christian Schultheiss · Rating 4 out of 5]

This might just have to be the quintessential, most profoundly learned, and deeply insightful book Dr Aron has publish or been a part of to date and being about and journeying through love while highly sensitive is just the tip of the iceberg on this book. She dives so much deeper into all the forms and adaptations branching from the original concept of being highly sensitive and into almost a second or third level course and one that expanded my mind and further encouraged my interests into finding out more about this subject in whatever way I can. Elaine also explains the fundamentals of being potentially a high sensation seeker, the potential unthought of obstacles in intimacy and even build your own custom and personal love and life journey having it be with someone else also highly sensitive, slightly so, or even the opposite and how there is never one clear or easy path towards internal happiness but if you’re willing to take the time to better learn about yourself and your significant others as well than you might be that one step closer towards reaching that lofty end goal. 4.25/5

[Erin Goettsch · Rating 2 out of 5]

The chapter about HSP/HSS and a few other sections were helpful, but lots of the content plays to introvert stereotypes and is very gender-role dated. It has relatively little relationship-work info, unfortunately.

[Nastja · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember some years ago my mom read this book. I remember thinking that "highly sensitive" is probably just another fancy word for people who like to whine, cry and live in a over-romanticized bubble to have an excuse for being needy. Now I realise how much our society has distorted the meaning of "sensitivity". I'm happy that I've finally understood that I myself am highly sensitive as well. And this book helped me understand and accept it, and learn about what this might mean for me.

For those of you who are not familiar with the concept: a highly sensitive person is someone who has a more sensitive nervous system, meaning that they pick up on subtle changes, signs, smells, moods, &c, faster than other people. It means being overwhelmed by stimuli more easily, needing some time off to process these experiences, having more subconscious and deep processing, and maybe being a bit more emotional as well. For some people it also means being irritated by large crowds, bright lights or busy days, and it can also mean that they are probably introverted. Some highly sensitive people, however, can be extroverted, and also high in sensation seeking behavior. I am highly sensitive, extroverted and a sensation seeker, which means that I'm a part of a quite small group. This also means that, unfortunately, a big part of this book didn't resonate with me as well as it probably does with the larger HSP group that includes people that are more introverted or not that into sensation seeking. I hope one day I will find a book targeted especially for my group of people, because finding a balance between the need for sensations and the need for deep processing of different experiences to prevent becoming overwhelmed, is very difficult. For that reason I couldn't enjoy the book as much as I initially thought I would, because a lot of the practical advice wasn't really meant for me, and the problems that were described were not that familiar.

Nevertheless, just the description of high sensitivity and the normalization of those with such characteristics was so important for me nad gave me so much more insight into myself that I'm really grateful for it. I understand now that I have never been the "drama queen" some people have said me to be, or that my reactions and thoughts have been quite normal - just different from the rest of the 80% of the population who are not highly sensitive. I understand why I can become irritated or overwhelmed, why I see the world like I do, why I'm the first to notice some non-(?)significant details and become more excited about them. I can be sure that now no-one will have the power to make me feel strange or unhealthy or anything less than normal, to use my emotionality and sensitivity as a weapon against me and make me feel incompetent. I know myself a lot better now, and I am truly happy that my eyes fell upon this book the first thing after I entered the library a couple of weeks ago.

However, the second half of the book disappointed me. Or maybe just the ending. It became more and more unscientific and immersed in some kind of personal spiritual beliefs of the author, which, in my opinion, can largely discredit everything that was written in the first part of the book and make it look more like a philosophical essay than something psychological. I didn't like the whole Self-thing, the talk about the meanings behind dreams, ego, Spirit, and such. I understand it might have been more acceptable in the time this book was written, but I feel like these things belong in a different kind of book, not the one that begun with scientific research and quite objective points.

[Elizabeth Jorgensen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed Highly Sensitive People in an Insensitive World: How to Create a Happy Life as well as I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki. What these books did was make me feel included. I could see myself in each situation. In The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, Elaine Aron goes into specific people or situations -- and too many of them did not apply to me. It felt too clinical, too black or white. I found myself wondering if I truly am HSP (even though I know I am!) after reading about fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, insecure attachment style, and disruptive/troubled childhoods; the section on men and women also didn't really apply to me. Then, the sections that would apply (on self esteem, for example) would only be a short blip, one tiny paragraph. That's the thing about most of the chapters; they're divided into small sections by headings and then subheadings and then other sections on case studies. In the end, I felt a bit jostled between topics, a bit discombobulated with all the different delineations. I did appreciate the exploration of High Sensation Seekers, which I had not heard of nor considered previously.

[Nikki · Rating 1 out of 5]

After having read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, which is a great book, I became interested in learning more about HSPs. Aron's work is discussed in the book and I was hoping for further insight into HSPs since I score pretty high on the "test". However, I felt as though Quiet detailed just about everything interesting about HSP work and studies thus far considering what is contained within this book. I should note that I do not like self-help books, they rather make me roll my eyes for the large part. I did not go into The Highly Sensitive Person in Love thinking it WAS a self-help book, in fact I did not even read the summary due to Aron's work found in Quiet. But this is definitely a self-help book. I wanted more studies, more science, even a little bit of "why does an HSPs brain function this way?" would have been nice. The couples detailed within may help someone but they bored me. I also found nothing worth keeping in terms of dealing with loved ones, but perhaps it was because I may be an odd HSP (none of the relationship categories for HSPs really fit) and have been in a relationship for a long time and I've been able to find my own balance with my idiosyncrasies. But perhaps this could be helpful to the insecure, sensitive (in the emotional sense) and troubled with love HSP.

[Harry Allagree · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this to be a useful book, and the author to be well-versed & respectful in her presentation of the dynamics of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) in their pursuit of suitable relationships and genuine love. The exercises which Dr. Aron provides were helpful. Overall her explanations were generally clear and, in my opinion, pretty much right-on, though I have some slight alternative views especially regarding her last chapter on the spiritual path of HSPs. On the other hand, I found much of the book highly technical & couched in psychological textbook terms which, honestly, bore me to death. However, I would recommend this book for the 15-20% of folks, like myself, who've often felt somewhat "different" in terms of greater sensitivity, a certain separateness from the people, especially men, around me, etc. In the first chapter Dr. Aron helps one understand that these aren't just abnormal "quirks", that being HSP is a "a major, normal, inherited difference in how the entire nervous system functions, affecting every aspect of life."

[Jennifer James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learning about the concept of the highly sensitive person (HSP) has changed my life and the way that I experience myself, and I'm grateful for this knowledge every day. This is the second book I've read on the topic, the first being "The Highly Sensitive Person," and this took the concept deeper, giving me information about my needs in relationships that I had never before understood. That being said, the book is quite dense, and took me several months to get through, just a tiny bit at a time. If the name, highly sensitive person, resonates with you, I highly recommend Elaine Aron's books. they will change your life.

[Katicritter · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book helped me understand a major part of my personality that I saw as a flaw to be fixed or hidden. I now have permission to be me.

[Robin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I definitely identify as a highly sensitive person, but this book was a bit too spiritual and touchy-feely for me to really get much out of it.

[Hanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I discovered Aron's work and her book through reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. In Quiet, Susan Cain talks about Hypersensitivity in a very positive and realistic way I recognized myself in, and it made me want to read this book to learn even more. So i read the general book on highly sensitive people, and was disappointed by that book, but given that i still recognized myself, i still wanted to learn more and gave another library book a shot.

This book was definitely better because Aron is focused on one topic and not trying to cover every single aspect in one book. I learned more with this book than the previous one, and it's applicable to any relationship (doesn't have to be a partner relationship).

3,5 stars.

[Ellia · Rating 5 out of 5]

i felt so seen in this book. my notepad is PACKED with quotes and questions from this book. shoutout to ema, my fellow HSP (and also HSS!! though I am not an HSS)

i want to send a copy of this to all my friends, family, and lovers and say -- hey, this is me. here's a description of my temperament, what makes me frustrated, what makes me unpleasantly aroused, what im prone to reflect on, and how i react when i love.

in the middle of reading this, i went to stay at my friends' house in vermont and i lived with two other HSPs (shoutout chase & samuel). man, it was SO NICE to be living with others who didn't frame me as sensitive for turning off the fan noise in the kitchen while cooking, for wanting to rest after an outing, for wanting alone time before going to bed. it made me want to find a life partner who's also an HSP (though, ideally, a little less sensitive than me in some avenues so we can divide up home-related labor

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few notes...

p. 30: HSPs growing up in stressful, unhappy families are more likely than non-HSPs to have the characteristics that other research has found to be most dangerous for relationships: pessimism, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and an insecure attachment style.

98: HSPs are well suited to change their insecurity to security - "earned secures"

Chapter 5: HSP w/ non-HSP

168: Healing wounds. Make it your life's goal to increase your security and hopefulness.

184: lifelong hopes + fears

186: essential vs prevailing spirit

192: Hopeless resignation is a typical emotion when under the spell of the negative mother.

194-5: splitting

+ Read updated Author's note (2014) on author's website...
Non-HSPs view HSPs as fussy and neurotic, while HSPs view Non-HSPs as rude and clueless. Neither views are accurate nor helpful.

[Rachael Maier · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is the first in a series I plan to read about being a highly sensitive person (HSP). So much resonated, that some pages have more sentences underlined than not! It’s satisfying to finally have some missing puzzle pieces to understand who I am and why. This book clicked so much into place, and gave me a lot of self-compassion and self-forgiveness for not understanding and sometimes berating myself for being as I am. It was a balm that relieved the pain of believing for so much of my life that there was something wrong with me. I’m grateful for Dr. Aron’s work and look forward to reading and understanding more of myself with her help.

[Bożena Woroniecka · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Ludzie wysoko wrażliwi urodzili się z układem nerwowym genetycznie zaprogramowanym tak, że są bardziej uważni na niuanse, bardziej skłonni do głębokiej refleksji nad własnymi przeżyciami wewnętrznymi, a co za tym idzie, bardzie podatni na przeciążenie zdarzeniami zewnętrznymi... Większość ludzi, wchodząc do pomieszczenia, zauważa meble, innych zebranych i… mniej więcej tyle. Wysoko wrażliwi z miejsca automatycznie rejestrują panującą tam atmosferę, oznaki wzajemnej życzliwości i niechęci, zaduch lub świeżość powietrza, charakter osoby, która układała kwiaty w wazonie."

[Katherine Darden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had never heard of the term “highly sensitive person” until reading this book but I’ve never felt so seen! to defend myself, “highly sensitive” in this context means feeling a lot of feelings and being perceptive/sensitive to the feelings and opinions of others, NOT someone who gets their feelings hurt and who is a whiner lol. definitely recommend “The Highly Sensitive Person” (a different book) too if you’re a feeler or have a feeler in your life to help you understand yourself and others better

[basiaprime · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Chyba) obowiązkowa lektura dla każdego WWO, dla osób, które mają w swoim otoczeniu WWO i chciałyby ułatwić im życie, ulepszyć/naprawić relację z nimi. Choć nie ukrywam, że pierwsza część - ta ogólniejsza - była dla mnie większym objawieniem, jeśli tak można mówić.

[Svenja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sehr hilfreich und obwohl es ein Fachbuch ist, kann man es sehr gut lesen. Es ist sehr verständlich und für mich logisch erklärt.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

First four chapters: 5/5 stars
Chapters five to eight: 4-4.5/5 stars
Chapter nine: kinda lost me in the psychoanalytic and spiritual stuff

When I reviewed the first book, I had taken issue with the absence of a sensation-seeking dimension, and the inclusion of overly specific details that may apply to the author but likely not to HSPs as a whole (e.g. the criterion of intense hunger on the original HSP test seemed odd). I was pleased that both of these issues were thoroughly addressed and improved upon in this sequel-of-sorts, which delivered a lot more than I expected, considering that the title makes it sounds like a pop psychology book.

The lessons in this book are not limited to romantic relationships. Indeed, Elaine Aron spends a great deal of time in the first part of the book NOT talking about love, but rather about inherited temperaments and the dynamics between individuals with differing traits and combinations of traits. The first part of the book is about understanding four types of people: highly sensitive sensation-seekers (HSP/HSSs), highly sensitive non-sensation-seekers (HSP/non-HSS), non-highly sensitive sensation seekers (non-HSP/HSS), and non-highly sensitive non-sensation seekers (non-HSP/non-HSS). These quadrants work quite well as surveys demonstrate that the HSP trait is mostly categorical, although sensation-seeking exists more on a continuum with many moderate scorers.

Although inherited, the expression of both the HSP and HSS traits are influenced by the social environment, and especially by gender. As the minority (20%), HSPs are often made to feel flawed, and the social prejudice is far greater against highly sensitive men (HSM) despite the trait being equally common in both sexes. Men are also expected to be high sensation-seekers (HSSs). Meanwhile, highly sensitive women (HSW) face a number of unique challenges resulting from sexism, which may be handled differently by non-highly sensitive women. Those interested in gender studies will find much to think about in this book.

Chapters 5-8 focus mostly on how sensitivity (and, at times, sensation-seeking) play a role in relationships. These chapters were interesting, and there were lots of case studies and citations provided, plus strong advice marital counsellors would give — though there were many times in chapter 5 where it was clear that Elaine’s own marriage was seeping through the text (both intentionally and unintentionally, I think). It helped for illustrative purposes at some points, but also detracted from broader messages for HSPs in general at some other points. Chapter 9 lost me because it got less about the science and the data and more into Elaine’s personal spiritual beliefs that don’t really resonate with me.

If it didn’t gradually lose me in the latter half, I’d have rated this book 5 stars. The first half is some of the strongest material I have ever read in a psych book, and for that reason, I will still mark it as a fave.

[Heather Douglas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book and have a notebook full of insights from Elaine Aron’s findings/writing. I did skim through some sections as they weren’t relevant to me / I didn’t connect with the case studies. Nevertheless, this book made me feel validated in a way that has never been done before, and provided genuinely life changing practical advice. I would recommend that everyone should read this, whether you’re highly sensitive or not.

[FH · Rating 3 out of 5]

author's note hard to read, repeats itself, unclear, has misspellings

[Patra Suwan · Rating 4 out of 5]

เล่มนี้อยากตั้งชื่อไทยว่า "อ่อนไหวไม่ใช่อ่อนแอ" (The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You) คนเขียนเป็นนักจิตวิทยาบำบัดและศาสตราจารย์มหาวิทยาลัยที่อ่อนไหวหนักมาก จั่วมาหน้าแรกก็พูดถึงพวกถูกตราหน้าว่า 'ขี้แง' แลดูบทโศกใหญ่รัชดาลัย ไวต่อสิ่งเร้า มักหยั่งรู้สิ่งต่างๆ ดุจนักบวชที่ปรึกษา/แม่มดพ่อมดขาวในอดีตกาล - ในแง่ชีวะ ที่จริงพวกเขาก็คือคนธรรมดาที่เกิดมากับระบบประสาท โดยเฉพาะนิวรอน ที่ไวต่อสิ่งกระตุ้นเท่านั้นเอง มีประมาณ 15-20 % ของประชากร บางคนอาจจะไม่ชอบการแปะป้าย แต่เราคิดว่าคนที่มีคุณลักษณะแบบนี้อ่านแล้วจะปิ๊งแว๊บบมากๆ แล้วจะวิวัฒนาการตัวเองไปได้อย่างรู้สึกขอบคุณสิ่งที่เป็นมา ไม่ต้องรู้สึกผิด แล้วจะใช้คุณลักษณะสร้างสรรค์อะไรให้โลกได้อีกมาก

บทนำจะมีแบบสอบถามมาให้ ตอบแค่ใช่กับไม่ใช่ เช่น คุณมีโลกภายในที่ซับซ้อนและรุ่มรวยใช่ไหม, คุณดื่มด่ำล้ำลึกไปกับศิลปะและดนตรีใช่ไหม, คุณพยายามอย่างหนักที่จะไม่ทำผิดพลาดใช่ไหม, ในวันเวลาที่วุ่นวาย คุณต้องหาเวลาปลีกออกมาฝังตัวในห้องคนเดียว โดยปราศจากสิ่งเร้า ฯลฯ

คน highly sensitive (HSP) ที่มีวัยเด็กหรือวัยรุ่นที่ยากมาก จะมีความเสี่ยงเพิ่มขึ้นที่จะโตมาเป็นคนวิตกกังวล ซึมเศร้า ย้ำคิดย้ำทำ หรือแม้กระทั่งอยากตายฯลฯ ตราบจนพวกเขา รู้จักตัวเอง และก็จะสามารถเยียวยาตัวเองได้แหละ หนังสือพูดถึงวัยเด็ก แง่ความสัมพันธ์กับคนที่เลี้ยงคนพวกนี้มาด้วย (ส่วนใหญ่แม่) แต่เราขอข้ามไปเลยละกัน

HSP เนื่องจากถูกเร้าง่าย ไม่ว่าจะจากเสียงเพลงตึ๊งตึง เสียงเครื่องจักร ภาพรุนแรงเชิงโทสะเลือดกระจาย ทุรลักษณ์ อารมณ์คนอื่น ฯลฯ เลยมักจะพบสารความเครียด เช่น cortisal มากกว่า จังหวะหัวใจแกว่งๆ ฯลฯ ทีนี้พอระบบประสาทมันถูกเร้าไปเรื้อรังมันจะมาถึงจุดที่หลายคนต้องเริ่มทานยาเพิ่ม Serotonin ซึ่งการกินยาให้ร่างกายฟังก์ชั่นได้เป็นปรกติ เช่นนอนหลับให้มีคุณภาพ มันคนละประเด็นกับการ 'เปลี่ยนบุคลิกภาพ'

เขาไปศึกษาสัตว์มาว่า ตัวที่มี Serotonin มากจะชอบเป็นจ่าฝูง ทำตัวมีอำนาจเหนือกลุ่มที่โดนลด
Serotonin - การที่ HSP ทานยาเพิ่ม Serotonin มันก็เหมือนไปเพิ่มความกล้าแบบจ่าฝูง Assertiveness/Dominance ด้วย จริงๆคนเขียนมีความคิดต่างในแง่ที่ว่าจริงๆแล้ว HSP ไม่ได้ทำตัวเจี๋ยมเจี้ยมเพราะ Serotonin ต่ำแต่อาจจะโดนวัฒนธรรม [น่าจะเป็นของอเมริกัน] ทำให้รู้สึกด้อยค่า

สำหรับเรานะการทำงานกับโลกภายในค่อนข้างจะช่วยโดยตรงมากกว่า ในการปรับบุคลิก แต่ยาช่วยอาการช่ั่วคราวเช่นช่วยให้นอนหลับได้ หรือช่วยคุณภาพการนอน

โดยสรุป หนังสือเล่มนี้ดีสำหรับ HSP เอง, พ่อแม่ที่มีลูก HSP โดยเฉพาะถ้าลูกมีโรคประจำตัวด้วยน่าอ่าน, อาจารย์ที่ดูแลเด็ก HSP, คนในองค์กรที่ต้องบริหารทีมที่มี HSP คละเคล้าไปกับพวก Assertive หนักๆ และคนที่อยากเข้าใจ HSP ฯลฯ

ขอบคุณเพื่อนซึ่งมีบุคลิกแบบนี้ ที่ให้หนังสือมา

[Justyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aron writes about her research on the Highly Sensitive Person in the context of love and interpersonal relationships. She recaps a bit of the basic concepts covered in The Highly Sensitive Person, and goes into more depth about how HSPs go about their relationships. Again, I am hesistant to agree with Aron's label, and prefer something more like Introvert, but anyone falling into this approximate category can relate. Given my social psychological and therapy interest in the topic, this book had a lot to offer. I enjoyed most of it, the discussion on gender stereotypes, particularly the cultural dilemma for HSP men, though again I wish Aron included some cross-cultural comparisons. The chapter on Fear of Intimacy covered attachment styles, and can lead the reader to much self-reflection as well as how HSPs fall in love, often falling hard. I also enjoyed her contrast in how the HSP and non-HSP couples managed. The last couple chapters didn't capture my interest as much, but probably more relatable to those in long term, close relationships like marriage. The chapter on sexuality ran a bit thin, Aron mostly cites anecdotes, and it barely grazes the topic. And I wished her chapter on Spirituality looked at the topic in multiple lenses, but again Aron mostly uses a Jungian perspective.
Overall, I enjoyed this more than Aron's first book on HSPs given how important interpersonal relationships are to our lives, I'd recommend this for any introverts/shy/sensitive (whichever term you prefer or perhaps no labels at all) seeking to gain and understanding in connecting with others.

The nine chapters include:
1. Are You an HSP? Temperament, Love, and Sensitivity
2. Gender-Shyness and Sensitivity: Finding Your Self, Forgetting the Stereotypes
3. HSPs and the Fear of Intimacy: The Reasons You Worry and the Ways to Security
4. Falling in love: Sensitivity and the Big Plunge
5. HSPs with Non-HSPs: Making Love Last When Temperaments Clash
6. When Both of You Are Highly Sensitive: Keeping the Peace Between Two Peas in a Pod
7. Creating a Satisfying, Sensitive Partnership: Relationship Advice Revised for HSPs
8. Our Sexuality: Sensitive People in Bed
9. The Spiritual Path of HSPs: Secure Love Leads the Way, the Way Leads to Secure Love

[Janne Albert · Rating 4 out of 5]

For months I refused to write this review thinking it´s too personal to share. But here I am feeling the need to share my thoughts.

I picked up this book in order to understand better my now ex-partner. For my surprise I ended up reading about myself. I am HSP and HSS while my ex-partner was apparently none (though they were way more sensitive towards some specific things due to their individual uniqueness which I at first translated as HS). And though my relationship did not work out - don´t think that is has anything to do with this book. No, umm they just stopped feeling that way towards me.

Now about the book:
While the title says "HSP *IN LOVE*" it is actually about all close relations - not only about your partner but also about the relationship you have with your parents and your friends. I have started to pay more attention to what I am feeling and being more attentive to my needs. I have started to rephrase my past and how my past influences my everyday life now. I have become more open with my close peope about those points also. If I am too overwhelmed to go out then I must tell so! I cannot put all the praise to this one book though since attending psychotherapy plays also a major role in it (which is also something that Aron points out).

What I really liked about the book is that Aron gives full list of different researches and studies done by other psychologists - so you can see that what she is writing is based on soemthing more than "what she feels" or "what she thinks". Yet at the same time it is written with easy and accessable everydayish style. What I didn´t like was the last chapter about spirituality - of course as an HSP I find this really interesting and important topic but I would have preferred if Aron would have left it to her next book. Adding it to this book in a way ruined the realistic and to-be-taken-seriously tone.

So yeah - this book won´t necessarily save your marriage or relationship and it won´t magically cure all the problems you have - but it will help you to understand yourself (or your partner) better and that already is worth the read.

[emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

"We are all unique individuals, thanks to our different experiences, genetic complexities, and perhaps a dash of personal destiny as well. Every relationship is also unique. So please read this book with many grains of salt, taking only what is useful."

Reading these lines in the beginning allowed me to open my mind to the things that Elaine had to write about, because it was filled with so much humility. It wasn't as if she was trying to tell me what I need to do, but to remind me that she is just there to help, and that her thoughts, opinions, and experiences are not necessarily the only answers.

I really enjoyed Elaine's writing style, which is very poetic and pleasing to the ears (well eyes I guess) and it only gets even more romantic towards the end of the book when it dips into talks about spirituality.

After the first few chapters, I found myself having difficulties focusing or getting through the rest of the book. I'm not sure if I have ADHD or some of the content is just so heavy that I had to put the book down and take a break/self-reflect on my life, but I'm glad that I finished it. While I couldn't relate to everything in the book (and who could? Like she said, we are all unique individuals) but I was definitely able to take some things away from reading it.

Some of the passages in the book triggered some of my inner traumas, which was not pleasant at all, but now that I've finished it, I can see that I had to go through those feelings in order to really understand what she was trying to say. Reading this book was like a journey to me, in which there were some highs as well as lows.

This is the first book I have completed of Elaine's. I chose it because I figured that would be the most useful, as my relationship issues are the bane of my existence. While I can't say I would read this again, I've taken what I needed from it and it has peaked my interest to her other books. I am glad to have left this book with a broader perspective on life and relationships.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

The original HSP book irked me. As I wrote in my review months ago, Aron based many of her fundamental arguments in outdated Freudian psychology, assumed that life problems are always because of childhood trauma, casually shared sex abuse stories without trigger warnings, and appealed to New Age spiritual concepts with the biased expectation that they should appeal to and transform her readers. However, because there was lots of useful, scientific information underneath this detritus, I decided that the book still warranted three stars and wondered if I should read this second one. I'm glad that I decided to give it a chance. It is much less Freudian and far more practical than its predecessor, and even though Aron appropriately mentions the impact of sex abuse on relationships, she doesn't drop traumatic details in the middle of case studies.

Each chapter of this book addresses a different topic. Aron's thoughts about gender stereotypes and the ways that highly sensitive men experience stigma was interesting to and helpful to me, and her research and advice about how temperament affects intimate relationships applies to friendships and family connections, not just romantic partnerships. She did an excellent job explaining the joys and hardships of both HSP/HSP and HSP/non-HSP pairings, and never idealizes the sensitive temperament as superior to the other. Even though Aron's New Age spirituality and Jungian psychology occasionally bog the book down with jargon, unhelpful assumptions, and a specialized message that won't appeal to broad audiences, this book has great substance, lots of helpful advice, and unique guidance for how to understand relationships through the lens of inborn temperament.