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Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages® Approach
Based on Chapman’s best-selling The 5 Love Languages ® — a specialized resource of intentional love for families of adopted children. Adoption brings unique challenges. Love and bonding don’t always come naturally. There can be emotional distress, frustration, and disappointment. In Loving Adopted Children Well , Dr. Gary Chapman along with professor and mom of adopted kids Dr. Laurel Shaler share how The 5 Love Languages® provide concrete steps to infusing love, hope, and attachment in your family. In addition to the beauty and healing you’ll discover in the chapters on the love languages— Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation —the authors provide essential chapters on subjects such
With empathy for adoptive parents, Chapman and Shaler provide an honest and invaluable resource of wisdom, joy, and healing. Apply the lessons from Loving Adopted Children Well , and you will see love grow and flourish in your home.
With empathy for adoptive parents, Chapman and Shaler provide an honest and invaluable resource of wisdom, joy, and healing. Apply the lessons from Loving Adopted Children Well , and you will see love grow and flourish in your home.
- GenresParenting
160 pages, Paperback
Published February 6, 2024
8 people are currently reading
44 people want to read
About the author
Gary Chapman
583 books3,520 followersGary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
March 2, 2025
I was already familiar with the 5 love languages. I really enjoyed how this book explained ways to incorporate it with your adopted children. I liked the real life examples. Although the book has mentioned many times some situations are more challenging due to trauma and disabilities etc, it would have been nice if the book dug deeper into that more and what to do or how to incorporate the 5 love languages when times are extremely hard. MOST of the stories give off easy fixes of hope that could lead parents to go deeper into the feeling of failure. I’m sorry, yes one of my sons love languages is gifts giving. He likes when I surprise him with something and he loves to give people things, even as something as small as a sticker……But if I bring home something small like a pack of gum every time I go to the store like the story in the book, it IS NOT going to mysteriously grow a huge bond between us and make the behaviors decrease in the way the book implied, in fact it would probably lead for him to have an extreme reaction if one day I happened to not get a small thing when I was out. It was too well packaged with a pretty bow on top for me. Parenting an adopted child is HARD so let’s get into the nitty gritty of it and give helpful advice with things are super challenging.
February 25, 2024
Well written and comprehensive book tying together the 5 Love Languages and the needs or considerations specific to adopted children. However, I would argue this book could easily apply to foster children too and should be more inclusive; the title alone will make some foster parents believe it doesn't apply to them. This book along with the Connected Child and Connected Parent would be a good start for any foster or adoptive family.
April 18, 2024
In 1992, a Baptist pastor named Gary Chapman published a book called The Five Love Languages and a revolution was born. In the thirty years since, the concept of a “love language” has become almost ubiquitous within Christian culture and even flowed over into the civil culture at large. Chapman’s original book was a marriage resource, but people began to ask whether or not this concept could be applied to other relationships. A whole host of books would follow with coauthors utilizing Chapman’s framework to apply within their expert contexts.
The latest book in the 5 Love Languages series is Loving Adopted Children Well, coauthored with Laurel Shaler. Dr. Shaler is a certified counselor, marriage and family therapist, and social worker who also teaches in the Department of Counselor Education and Family Studies at Liberty University. And most importantly for this book, she is the adoptive parent of two children who has used her expertise and the Love Language paradigm to guide her own parenting.
If you’ve read any of these books, the structure should be familiar: there are a few chapters of introduction and context-setting, a chapter for each of the five love languages (acts of service, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation), then closing chapters addressing unique needs for the book’s specific audience. In a way, it’s formulaic—and if you’re familiar with the Love Language system, then some of this will be repetitious—but if offers a complete resource for everyone without any need to consult other books or have prior knowledge.
Shaler deftly weaves between telling her own story, engaging with vignettes from adoptive families, and speaking from her own clinical expertise. The result is a book that offers personal and professional insight over a range of adoptive circumstances ensuring that every adoptive family sees themselves in this book.
One of the most important things that Loving Adopted Children Well does is acknowledge that adoption is traumatic and based in the loss of what should be. Adoption creates disrupted attachment and, whether the adopted person is a baby or a teenager, work must be done to foster secure and healthy attachments. Adoption is hard and there are unique circumstances to adoption that may change how we work out the love languages.
An example that Shaler gives of this is the love language of gift-giving. An adoptive parent might think that gift-giving is their child’s love language when the truth is that their previous living situations have taught them to hoard resources because they might not have consistent access to necessities. She writes about being careful about physical touch, given that some adoptive children will not have developed an understanding of displaying appropriate affection or that children coming from abusive backgrounds may be resistant of physical touch.
In all the love languages, the overriding theme is to be aware of and considerate of your child’s traumatic past and slowly and patiently work with them to get to a place of wholeness and healing. The vignettes in the book help build solidarity, telling adoptive parents that they are not alone in the process. Loving Adopted Children Well is a simple, introductory resource that, in clear language, gives adoptive parents the tools to understand their child’s unique situations and ensure that the love expressed for them is expressed in a way that gets through and is felt in all fullness.
The latest book in the 5 Love Languages series is Loving Adopted Children Well, coauthored with Laurel Shaler. Dr. Shaler is a certified counselor, marriage and family therapist, and social worker who also teaches in the Department of Counselor Education and Family Studies at Liberty University. And most importantly for this book, she is the adoptive parent of two children who has used her expertise and the Love Language paradigm to guide her own parenting.
If you’ve read any of these books, the structure should be familiar: there are a few chapters of introduction and context-setting, a chapter for each of the five love languages (acts of service, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation), then closing chapters addressing unique needs for the book’s specific audience. In a way, it’s formulaic—and if you’re familiar with the Love Language system, then some of this will be repetitious—but if offers a complete resource for everyone without any need to consult other books or have prior knowledge.
Shaler deftly weaves between telling her own story, engaging with vignettes from adoptive families, and speaking from her own clinical expertise. The result is a book that offers personal and professional insight over a range of adoptive circumstances ensuring that every adoptive family sees themselves in this book.
One of the most important things that Loving Adopted Children Well does is acknowledge that adoption is traumatic and based in the loss of what should be. Adoption creates disrupted attachment and, whether the adopted person is a baby or a teenager, work must be done to foster secure and healthy attachments. Adoption is hard and there are unique circumstances to adoption that may change how we work out the love languages.
An example that Shaler gives of this is the love language of gift-giving. An adoptive parent might think that gift-giving is their child’s love language when the truth is that their previous living situations have taught them to hoard resources because they might not have consistent access to necessities. She writes about being careful about physical touch, given that some adoptive children will not have developed an understanding of displaying appropriate affection or that children coming from abusive backgrounds may be resistant of physical touch.
In all the love languages, the overriding theme is to be aware of and considerate of your child’s traumatic past and slowly and patiently work with them to get to a place of wholeness and healing. The vignettes in the book help build solidarity, telling adoptive parents that they are not alone in the process. Loving Adopted Children Well is a simple, introductory resource that, in clear language, gives adoptive parents the tools to understand their child’s unique situations and ensure that the love expressed for them is expressed in a way that gets through and is felt in all fullness.
April 13, 2024
This new addition to the 5 Love Languages series focuses on adoptive families, with insights for how parents can better understand their adopted children's needs and show clear expressions of love. This book is brief and highly readable, with simple explanations of important concepts and lots of engaging stories. Dr. Laurel Shaler writes from her experience as an adoptive mother and a therapist, and Gary Chapman gave feedback on the 5 Love Languages aspects. This book also includes a fictional case study that builds throughout the book, along with true stories and examples from adult adoptees reflecting on their experiences.
Dr. Shaler explains the significance of trauma as part of the adoptive experience, writes about attachment theory, and shares honest, practical encouragements for what parents can do when they aren't feeling emotions of love for their child, or aren't on the same page with their spouse about parenting. She explores how parents can express the love languages to their children, and she notes ways that the love languages may differ for adopted children. For example, she describes how some adopted children may feel uncomfortable receiving gifts that feel like bribery or an attempt to make up for their emotional losses with material things, and she addresses how different expressions of love can help kids with adoption-related struggles.
She also includes a chapter about more unique and challenging situations, including single parenting, divorce and remarriage, and dealing with cultural differences. Other chapters deal with sibling dynamics, resources and support that adoptive families can pursue, and adoption stories and themes in the Bible. The book includes many references to God and faith throughout, and Dr. Shaler digs deeper in this chapter at the end. This book is ideal for Christian adoptive families, but it can also be helpful for people with different belief backgrounds who are interested in the 5 Love Languages approach and wouldn't find the faith elements off-putting.
This is a great resource for both adoptive parents and people involved in foster care. This book covers a variety of important topics, and the author writes about psychological concepts in a simple, accessible way. This book is a great introduction for people to better understand the challenges that adoptive families face, and it is positive, practical, and encouraging. The author's brevity and conversational writing style will make it a great fit for people who wouldn't pick up a dense, academic book on the topic, and I recommend this to adoptive families and their supporters.
I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Dr. Shaler explains the significance of trauma as part of the adoptive experience, writes about attachment theory, and shares honest, practical encouragements for what parents can do when they aren't feeling emotions of love for their child, or aren't on the same page with their spouse about parenting. She explores how parents can express the love languages to their children, and she notes ways that the love languages may differ for adopted children. For example, she describes how some adopted children may feel uncomfortable receiving gifts that feel like bribery or an attempt to make up for their emotional losses with material things, and she addresses how different expressions of love can help kids with adoption-related struggles.
She also includes a chapter about more unique and challenging situations, including single parenting, divorce and remarriage, and dealing with cultural differences. Other chapters deal with sibling dynamics, resources and support that adoptive families can pursue, and adoption stories and themes in the Bible. The book includes many references to God and faith throughout, and Dr. Shaler digs deeper in this chapter at the end. This book is ideal for Christian adoptive families, but it can also be helpful for people with different belief backgrounds who are interested in the 5 Love Languages approach and wouldn't find the faith elements off-putting.
This is a great resource for both adoptive parents and people involved in foster care. This book covers a variety of important topics, and the author writes about psychological concepts in a simple, accessible way. This book is a great introduction for people to better understand the challenges that adoptive families face, and it is positive, practical, and encouraging. The author's brevity and conversational writing style will make it a great fit for people who wouldn't pick up a dense, academic book on the topic, and I recommend this to adoptive families and their supporters.
I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
August 14, 2025
I'll be honest, as a Christian woman facing secondary infertility and considering my options, I had to fight to not yeet this book out of the window when the author wrote that "Yes, the Lord sometimes uses infertility to bring couples to the point of adopting, but in His sovereignty, adoption was His plan all along." (Pg 15). That's now how I believe God works - I don't believe He orchestrates tragedies in any capacity in the way she's saying, and it's more than a little...insulting isn't the right word, but I'm going to go with it because offensive isn't right either. Disrespectful? Derogatory? Not something that people facing infertility and considering adoption really want to hear, regardless of religious affiliation?
Either way, I did not go into this realizing it was Christian, and Boy was I Disappointed when I found that out. I kept reading just because I'd found so few resources at the time.
And my overall opinion is:
This could have and should have just been an essay that boils down to "Love your children in the way they need to be loved, not in the way you want to love them, and be extra attentive if your children have a history of trauma."
This is especially the case because I already know the basics of the 5 love languages, so the vast majority of each chapter was just explaining what one of the love languages was in the context of children in a very generic way. Honestly, the last section is really the only part where it got specific to adopted kids, and I still really don't feel like I gained anything significant from this book.
Either way, I did not go into this realizing it was Christian, and Boy was I Disappointed when I found that out. I kept reading just because I'd found so few resources at the time.
And my overall opinion is:
This could have and should have just been an essay that boils down to "Love your children in the way they need to be loved, not in the way you want to love them, and be extra attentive if your children have a history of trauma."
This is especially the case because I already know the basics of the 5 love languages, so the vast majority of each chapter was just explaining what one of the love languages was in the context of children in a very generic way. Honestly, the last section is really the only part where it got specific to adopted kids, and I still really don't feel like I gained anything significant from this book.
September 2, 2025
This is a good book and a nice reminder that recognizing an individual's love language can help them to feel loved, respected, and appreciated as well as how to solidify the parent/child relationship. The adoption aspect is a bit surface or basic however. The message is essentially to provide a child with their love language as well as the other four love languages and that, for children who's families are created through adoption, it is even more important however; it doesn't explain in depth why. It would be great if the book went into more detail or provided more research to back this up. As a mom whose family is built through adoption, I definitely appreciated reading a book by an author with first-hand experience who I could relate to and whom I felt understood me.
February 21, 2024
This is a short book but a great springboard and loved all the resources in the back of the book.
October 8, 2025
Amazing book! very encouraging!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews