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The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle
Meditate on the Spiritual Significance of Marriage
In the 20th Anniversary Edition of this Gold Medallion Award winner, Mike Mason goes on a poetic search to understand the wondrous dynamics of committed love. In highly readable, first-person style, Mason’s writing stimulates readers’ thoughts and prayers and propels couples to deeper intimacy. “A marriage is not a joining of two worlds,” says the author, “but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed.” Rich chapters on “Otherness,” “Vows,” “Intimacy,” “Sex,” “Submission,” and an all-new chapter on “Oneness” lift readers to view the eternal, spiritual nature of this faith-filled, “impossible,” wild—yet wonderful—frontier.
Story Behind the Book
"Over the twenty years since its publication, many couples have told me that they’ve read my book aloud to each other. This always amazes me and gives me great joy. I’m also amazed that many single people have read it. Either way, my goal is for hearts to be warmed by the mystery of divine love. I want couples to enter into deeper intimacy by thinking together about the mystery of marriage—about how their love, besides being a gift of God, reflects the very love He has for Himself in the Trinity. For God is not a bachelor, and throughout the Bible marriage is a supreme picture of the nature of God’s love and of His kingdom. I want people who read my book to feel so soaked in these wonderful, divine mysteries that it deepens their reverence for marriage and inspires them to greater love."
-Mike Mason
In the 20th Anniversary Edition of this Gold Medallion Award winner, Mike Mason goes on a poetic search to understand the wondrous dynamics of committed love. In highly readable, first-person style, Mason’s writing stimulates readers’ thoughts and prayers and propels couples to deeper intimacy. “A marriage is not a joining of two worlds,” says the author, “but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed.” Rich chapters on “Otherness,” “Vows,” “Intimacy,” “Sex,” “Submission,” and an all-new chapter on “Oneness” lift readers to view the eternal, spiritual nature of this faith-filled, “impossible,” wild—yet wonderful—frontier.
Story Behind the Book
"Over the twenty years since its publication, many couples have told me that they’ve read my book aloud to each other. This always amazes me and gives me great joy. I’m also amazed that many single people have read it. Either way, my goal is for hearts to be warmed by the mystery of divine love. I want couples to enter into deeper intimacy by thinking together about the mystery of marriage—about how their love, besides being a gift of God, reflects the very love He has for Himself in the Trinity. For God is not a bachelor, and throughout the Bible marriage is a supreme picture of the nature of God’s love and of His kingdom. I want people who read my book to feel so soaked in these wonderful, divine mysteries that it deepens their reverence for marriage and inspires them to greater love."
-Mike Mason
228 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 1, 1985
137 people are currently reading
1443 people want to read
About the author
Mike Mason
116 books80 followersMike Mason is the best-selling, award-winning author of The Blue Umbrella, The Mystery of Marriage, The Gospel According to Job, Champagne for the Soul, Twenty-One Candles, and many others. He has an M.A. in English and has studied theology at Regent College. He lives in Langley, BC, Canada, with his wife.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 147 reviews
November 13, 2012
There are a lot of books on marriage published out there. Many of them are excellent although I cannot say I've read many. All I can say is that I've read The Mystery of Marriage three times and it simply gets better with each reading. This is truly an unusual book because of its comtemplative/meditative approach to the sacrament of marriage. The treatment Mike Mason gives to his subject would be similar to a radiologist examining xrays. You have to look closely, intently, and patiently to be able to get at the substance of such a great mystery and miracle that is marriage.
Of great particular interest to the reader will be the chapter on Submission, chap. 6. Usually a touchy biblical subject, the author dispells the nonsense that surrounds biblical submission regarding filial relationships, especially husband and wife, and gives the reader a towering exegesis of the Ephesians text as few have probably ever been written.
This book was originally published in 1985 and will never get old, at least not with me. Extremely highly recommended.
Of great particular interest to the reader will be the chapter on Submission, chap. 6. Usually a touchy biblical subject, the author dispells the nonsense that surrounds biblical submission regarding filial relationships, especially husband and wife, and gives the reader a towering exegesis of the Ephesians text as few have probably ever been written.
This book was originally published in 1985 and will never get old, at least not with me. Extremely highly recommended.
June 27, 2023
Read at Elisabeth Elliot's recommendation, ended up being surprised this got her endorsement. The first few chapters are beautifully poetic and it felt like it was written from an introspective/introverted perspective which I can appreciate as I am one myself, but that's really all this book has to offer. There isn't an ounce of practicality in this book, and there's some questionable theology. Knocked a couple of stars off for the blatant egalitarianism in the "Submission" chapter, multiple mentions of the Eucharist being the actual, physical body of Christ, and other weirdness like the mention of enjoying thinking about his wife's "white delicate porcelain" skull (??????) in the "Death" chapter. Also the chapter that was added 20 years later in the anniversary edition was subpar and could be ignored.
Mason admits he spent a good 2 years into his marriage questioning if he made a mistake (He wanted to be a monk instead) which felt like a weird Jim Elliot situation. Does maybe our culture and even the Church's lack of emphasis on the value of marriage possibly produce men who fail to see marriage as a help to their mission instead of a hinderance? A lot of this fear was carried into his personal descriptions of what love and marriage feel like, which is unfair to generalize all in that way. For some, love might just feel like coming home.
Can't say I would recommend this book.
Mason admits he spent a good 2 years into his marriage questioning if he made a mistake (He wanted to be a monk instead) which felt like a weird Jim Elliot situation. Does maybe our culture and even the Church's lack of emphasis on the value of marriage possibly produce men who fail to see marriage as a help to their mission instead of a hinderance? A lot of this fear was carried into his personal descriptions of what love and marriage feel like, which is unfair to generalize all in that way. For some, love might just feel like coming home.
Can't say I would recommend this book.
January 25, 2011
An elder statesman pastor recommended it a while ago, and I picked it up just before doing some pre-marital counseling. It's very different from the usual marriage book, and what a relief that is! It's a bit wordy and rhetorical, but also thought-provoking. Dealing honestly with the marital relationship, Mason also interweaves Christ's relationship to His people throughout, right at those "aha" insights into the husband/wife relationship.
I'd recommend this for those who have been married for 10 years or more, though it certainly can add depth to a pre-marital session, as well!
Here are some quotes.
"Closeness is bought at a cost... one's self" (81).
"People crave closeness with one another, but are repelled by the sin that such closeness inevitably uncovers in themselves: the selfish motives that are unmasked, the pettiness that spills out" (94).
"Shame is what a proud man feels when he has nothing left to be proud of" (130).
"For some people it may be difficult or disturing to have to admit that the flieshly body plays such a predominant, and even a preeminent, role in spiritual life. But... physical existence is the sphere in which spiritual truth must be worked out" (138).
"Sex must never be depended upon to establish love but can only grow out of it" (139).
"In marriage we do not give ourselves to a cause or a program or a belief, but to a person" (156).
I'd recommend this for those who have been married for 10 years or more, though it certainly can add depth to a pre-marital session, as well!
Here are some quotes.
"Closeness is bought at a cost... one's self" (81).
"People crave closeness with one another, but are repelled by the sin that such closeness inevitably uncovers in themselves: the selfish motives that are unmasked, the pettiness that spills out" (94).
"Shame is what a proud man feels when he has nothing left to be proud of" (130).
"For some people it may be difficult or disturing to have to admit that the flieshly body plays such a predominant, and even a preeminent, role in spiritual life. But... physical existence is the sphere in which spiritual truth must be worked out" (138).
"Sex must never be depended upon to establish love but can only grow out of it" (139).
"In marriage we do not give ourselves to a cause or a program or a belief, but to a person" (156).
December 31, 2024
Finished just in time for the wedding ;)
Really enjoyed this book. Not pragmatic at all, but very thought provoking. Especially appreciated reading as we approach the actual marriage liturgy in a few days...
I guess this is the type of book people who read all those poems and songs in LOTR would enjoy, but perhaps my brother who skips poems in every book would be less inclined to appreciate lol
Really enjoyed this book. Not pragmatic at all, but very thought provoking. Especially appreciated reading as we approach the actual marriage liturgy in a few days...
I guess this is the type of book people who read all those poems and songs in LOTR would enjoy, but perhaps my brother who skips poems in every book would be less inclined to appreciate lol
July 12, 2018
I had to pick this book up after Elizabeth Elliot's glowing reccomendation. It was sometimes difficult to read. Many sections had to be read again to try and grasp the meaning. But, there is some good stuff here. I especially like the chapters: Vows, Sex, & Submission.
A book about theology.
A book about theology.
June 30, 2019
Finally got to last few chapters of this gem. Best book on marriage I've read.
August 25, 2017
This is the best book on marriage I have ever read. It might also be a contender for the best book I have ever read, full stop. I don't know why it doesn't get the attention it deserves.
If you're looking for a how-to on marriage, look somewhere else. Look to just about any other marriage book, actually, because in my experience they are all more or less the same. But this one stands alone.
Instead of a simplistic guide to harmonious marital living, Mason offers profound reflections on the very nature of marriage, covering topics such as vows, intimacy, submission, death, and oneness.
My advice to married couples would be two-fold: read this book together, and read it slowly. Gaze at the mystery that is marriage; meditate on it, savor it, internalize it, and learn to see the beauty of loving your spouse as your own flesh and blood.
If you're looking for a how-to on marriage, look somewhere else. Look to just about any other marriage book, actually, because in my experience they are all more or less the same. But this one stands alone.
Instead of a simplistic guide to harmonious marital living, Mason offers profound reflections on the very nature of marriage, covering topics such as vows, intimacy, submission, death, and oneness.
My advice to married couples would be two-fold: read this book together, and read it slowly. Gaze at the mystery that is marriage; meditate on it, savor it, internalize it, and learn to see the beauty of loving your spouse as your own flesh and blood.
August 11, 2020
Being unmarried and unengaged, this may seem like a strange choice of book. But, loving another human being and desiring to know how to love them better in the end, and in all of that desiring to understand how this brings me closer to Christ, perhaps it's not so strange a choice after all. Few books have reminded me just how deep the love of Christ truly is. Few books have reminded me so poetically (besides, perhaps, A Severe Mercy) how the deepest love in this life is but a glorious shadow of an even more glorious Love. So go find a copy of this book, whether in love, married, or neither.
February 19, 2021
Wow. You have not read a book on marriage (but so much more than just marriage!) until you’ve read this.
November 22, 2020
Oh, that poem at the end! How beautiful and romantic. This was a really good book full of intriguing thoughts. I found it worth the read and it gave some deep insight into Christian marriage.
Want to read
March 21, 2009This book was recommended to me by my counselor. He said it was the best book he has ever read on marriage so I decided to read it. It was encouraging and insightful. I definitely recommend it.
Poignant Quotes:
There is nothing in the world worse than a bad marriage, and at the same time nothing better than a good one.
We long for our whole body to tingle with the thrill of knowing that this one fascinating being, this being of a different gender, has been created especially for us and given to us unreservedly for our help, comfort, and joy.
For marriage, as simply as it can be defined, is the contemplation of the love of God in and through the form of another human being.
It is living with a mystery that is fully visible, with a flesh-and-blood person who can be touched and held, questioned and probed and examined and even made love to, to our heart’s content, but who nevertheless proves to be utterly and impenetrably mysterious, infinitely ponderous.
You know this person better than you have ever known anyone, yet often you wonder whether you know them at all.
It is an enormous source of human frustration that our need for intimacy far outstrips its capacity to be met in other people.
To put it simply, marriage is a relationship far more engrossing than we want it to be. It always turns out to be more than we bargained for.
Love is an earthquake that relocates the center of the universe.
People can be surrounded by other people and still be lonely and alienated, because they do not care, or do not know how, to get in touch anymore with the reality of others.
Too often others are but the punctuation marks in the dry and windy monologues of our own self-centered existence.
…to be in the presence of even the meanest, lowest, most repulsive specimen of humanity in the world is still to be closer to God than when looking up into a starry sky or at a beautiful sunset.
Like God Himself, then, marriage comes with a built-in abhorrence of self-centeredness.
…love convinces a couple that they are the greatest romance that has ever been, that no two people have ever loved as they do, and that they will sacrifice absolutely anything in order to be together. And then marriage asks them to prove it.
For it is the special magic of love to demonstrate convincingly that the real goal of self, which is total self-sufficiency, can be achieved only by way of total self-sacrifice. Only love is completely self-sufficient, for only love has nothing whatsoever to lose in spilling itself out, since that is its very nature.
And so the best marriages and the deepest relationships with God grow out of the startling discovery that there is nothing one can do to earn love, and even more startling, that there is also nothing one can do to unearn it, or to keep oneself from being loved.
Socially, legally, physically, emotionally, every which way, there is just no other means of getting closer to another human being, and never has been, than in marriage.
So while marriage may present the appearance of being a highly structured, formalized, and tradition-bound institution, in fact it is the most free and raw and unpredictable of all human associations.
Indeed the heartbreak of a failed love relationship can actually be more distressing than bereavement and is perhaps the single most traumatic experience a human being can undergo.
One single act of treason destroys a whole relationship, wiping out all the good that went before.
Of course, only God can give people the strange desire to know the whole truth about themselves, and the strength and courage to live wide-open, exposed lives before one another.
God’s love is, in a sense, the courage to go on living in the face of our sin, in the full knowledge of who and what we are.
When a husband looks with love into the eyes of his wife, he may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those eyes, and the person within them, belong to him, in a way that nothing else on earth can – neither his house, nor his care, nor his insurance policy, nor his children, nor any other person. She is his, to have and to hold, for life.
So radical is the extremity of this mutual ownership in marriage, and so complete is the symbiosis, that only death can sever it, as only love can confer it. The very experience of falling in love, indeed, is that of God giving one person to another. Only He can do that. Only God can give people away.
The marriage vows are simple ones, but remarkable for the extremity of their loftiness, for the foolhardiness of their altruism, and further remarkable for the fact that in most cases they turn out to be the only true vows either partner will ever make, let alone hold to, in their entire lives.
Only the very naïve get married under the delusion that they will have an easy time of it. But most rational adults approach marriage in the full knowledge that they have no idea what they are doing.
Steven, write your own vows
A vow is, per se, a confession of inadequacy and an automatic calling upon the only adequacy there is, which is the mercy and power of God.
“How bright is the sun!” exclaims love, while the vows ask, “How dark a night are you prepared to pass through?”
But marriage that consistently look back to their vows, to those wild promises made before God, and that trust Him to make sense out of them, find a continual source of strength and renewal.
Love is deep, continuous growing, and ever-renewing activity of the will, superintended by the Holy Spirit.
Next to the love of God, the one thing by far the most important in the life of all married people is their marriage, their loving devotion to their partner. Nothing on earth must take precedence over that, not children, jobs, other friendships, nor even “Christian work.”
In the Lord’s plans for the world there is no work more important than the work of relationship, and no relationships is more important than one’s marriage.
If we cannot love our own favorite person through all of his ups and downs and trails and changes, then how will we ever love the poor and the unlovely and the forgotten of the world?
For contrary to the assumption of many, Scripture was not given to be obeyed; rather, it was given that the Lord might be obeyed.
…the human body is an infinitely more sacred thing since God Himself has been in it.
For to be naked with another person is a sort of picture or symbolic demonstration of perfect honesty, perfect trust, perfect giving and commitment, and if the heart is not naked along with the body, then the whole action becomes a lie and a mockery. It becomes an involvement in an absurd and tragic contradiction: the giving of the body but the withholding of the self.
Sex is a powerful outward symbol of the inner temper of a marital relationship. It is an arresting and self-evident truth that the quality of a marriage in all of its facets depends upon a wholesome and mutually satisfying sex life. And the corollary is also true, that the partners’ feelings about the marriage as a whole will almost always be reflected in the quality of their sexual relations.
If couples could give themselves to one another in every way as they did when they first passionately embraced, or as they have in their most sublime experiences of sex. Or even in their most ordinary lovemaking, then their problems would be few.
But perhaps the ultimate test of their love will lie in whether or not they can believe in those times of almost perfect giving and acceptance, believe in them as being the true times, the holy times, never doubting or resenting or forgetting them afterwards in the stress and trail of daily life, but rather building on them, taking them as the models of what their love must be (and really is in its essence), nurturing and enlarging those deep seeds of intimacy that have been so lovingly planted in the memory of their flesh.
It is a dangerous thing in marriage to forget, even for a moment, that one’s partner is a person of the opposite sex.
When people forget that the opposite sex is opposite, it can result in men actually resenting women for not being men, and vice versa.
When it comes to any secret, a husband may well be able to conceal from his wife what it is, exactly, but he can never hide that the fact that it is.
Marriage, like life itself, is both a giving and taking away. What is given in marriage is fairly obvious: the love of another human being. What is taken away is perhaps not quite so apparent: the entire freedom to think and to act as an independent person.
…it does become apparent that in choosing to be married one has also chosen not to be single, and that in choosing one particular partner one has automatically surrendered the possibility of marrying anyone else.
Many a man will surrender his whole life to alcohol or to some ideology or to money or ambition or to the glamour of politics long before he would think of surrendering to his wife.
It is a whole bunch of really little things that can ruin a marriage, because that is what our wills tend to be made up of: petty, selfish desires.
Marriage reduces all decisions to one, one simple decision that must be made over and over, and there are no results more particular or far-reaching or catastrophic than the results of that initial and ongoing decision to invite one other person to interfere permanently in our lives.
Who wins this battle of wills and whims is not the point; the point is that each tries to surrender as much as possible for the sake of the other so that the love between them may be honored and built up in every way…
Rightness, whenever it seeks to dominate, becomes wrongness, no matter how right it may be.
…marriage will, very definitely and very forcibly, begin an inexorable process in which whether they like it or not the two of them will come to grow more and more like one another.
…before love can really begin to be love, it must face and forgive the very worst in the person loved.
Rather, it is simply that we become willing to see this person as a perfect wife or husband, even as the perfect wife or husband: that is, the perfect one for us, the very one we need.
…all progress in spirituality comes, not from striving to be closer to God, but rather from realizing and accepting that already we’re one with Him.
Our God is already with us and in us and wants us to rest in His arms, full of thanks and wonder, basking in relief and joy.
Marriage exploits the fact that humans are not opaque but are full of holes. Eyes, mouths, ears, sexual orifices are the channels for intimate communion. Through our cracks, love gets in.
Oneness in marriage, as with God, is not a skill to be mastered. Rather it’s a phenomenon to be marveled at with increasing humility and gratitude.
How, practically, can a couple submit themselves to God and so discover unity with each other? How can oneness be cherished? There are, to my knowledge, two prerequisites. One is shared prayer, and the other is unconditional love.
Couples who do not pray are as badly off as those who stop sleeping together.
We change, paradoxically, only as we come into the light of unconditional love and experience the astounding freedom to be exactly as we are.
The image of God is not only in the man alone but in a relationship. Only through loving, harmonious relationships can God be known, for He exists in such a relationship Himself.
Amidst all the difficulties of a shared life, unconditional love may not always be felt, but is can always be intended. And in the final analysis this is what counts. God sees and values, not our performance, but the intent of our heart.
Application:
Be content in celibacy and recognize the enormous sacrifice entailed in marriage. The grass is not greener on the other side.
Poignant Quotes:
There is nothing in the world worse than a bad marriage, and at the same time nothing better than a good one.
We long for our whole body to tingle with the thrill of knowing that this one fascinating being, this being of a different gender, has been created especially for us and given to us unreservedly for our help, comfort, and joy.
For marriage, as simply as it can be defined, is the contemplation of the love of God in and through the form of another human being.
It is living with a mystery that is fully visible, with a flesh-and-blood person who can be touched and held, questioned and probed and examined and even made love to, to our heart’s content, but who nevertheless proves to be utterly and impenetrably mysterious, infinitely ponderous.
You know this person better than you have ever known anyone, yet often you wonder whether you know them at all.
It is an enormous source of human frustration that our need for intimacy far outstrips its capacity to be met in other people.
To put it simply, marriage is a relationship far more engrossing than we want it to be. It always turns out to be more than we bargained for.
Love is an earthquake that relocates the center of the universe.
People can be surrounded by other people and still be lonely and alienated, because they do not care, or do not know how, to get in touch anymore with the reality of others.
Too often others are but the punctuation marks in the dry and windy monologues of our own self-centered existence.
…to be in the presence of even the meanest, lowest, most repulsive specimen of humanity in the world is still to be closer to God than when looking up into a starry sky or at a beautiful sunset.
Like God Himself, then, marriage comes with a built-in abhorrence of self-centeredness.
…love convinces a couple that they are the greatest romance that has ever been, that no two people have ever loved as they do, and that they will sacrifice absolutely anything in order to be together. And then marriage asks them to prove it.
For it is the special magic of love to demonstrate convincingly that the real goal of self, which is total self-sufficiency, can be achieved only by way of total self-sacrifice. Only love is completely self-sufficient, for only love has nothing whatsoever to lose in spilling itself out, since that is its very nature.
And so the best marriages and the deepest relationships with God grow out of the startling discovery that there is nothing one can do to earn love, and even more startling, that there is also nothing one can do to unearn it, or to keep oneself from being loved.
Socially, legally, physically, emotionally, every which way, there is just no other means of getting closer to another human being, and never has been, than in marriage.
So while marriage may present the appearance of being a highly structured, formalized, and tradition-bound institution, in fact it is the most free and raw and unpredictable of all human associations.
Indeed the heartbreak of a failed love relationship can actually be more distressing than bereavement and is perhaps the single most traumatic experience a human being can undergo.
One single act of treason destroys a whole relationship, wiping out all the good that went before.
Of course, only God can give people the strange desire to know the whole truth about themselves, and the strength and courage to live wide-open, exposed lives before one another.
God’s love is, in a sense, the courage to go on living in the face of our sin, in the full knowledge of who and what we are.
When a husband looks with love into the eyes of his wife, he may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those eyes, and the person within them, belong to him, in a way that nothing else on earth can – neither his house, nor his care, nor his insurance policy, nor his children, nor any other person. She is his, to have and to hold, for life.
So radical is the extremity of this mutual ownership in marriage, and so complete is the symbiosis, that only death can sever it, as only love can confer it. The very experience of falling in love, indeed, is that of God giving one person to another. Only He can do that. Only God can give people away.
The marriage vows are simple ones, but remarkable for the extremity of their loftiness, for the foolhardiness of their altruism, and further remarkable for the fact that in most cases they turn out to be the only true vows either partner will ever make, let alone hold to, in their entire lives.
Only the very naïve get married under the delusion that they will have an easy time of it. But most rational adults approach marriage in the full knowledge that they have no idea what they are doing.
Steven, write your own vows
A vow is, per se, a confession of inadequacy and an automatic calling upon the only adequacy there is, which is the mercy and power of God.
“How bright is the sun!” exclaims love, while the vows ask, “How dark a night are you prepared to pass through?”
But marriage that consistently look back to their vows, to those wild promises made before God, and that trust Him to make sense out of them, find a continual source of strength and renewal.
Love is deep, continuous growing, and ever-renewing activity of the will, superintended by the Holy Spirit.
Next to the love of God, the one thing by far the most important in the life of all married people is their marriage, their loving devotion to their partner. Nothing on earth must take precedence over that, not children, jobs, other friendships, nor even “Christian work.”
In the Lord’s plans for the world there is no work more important than the work of relationship, and no relationships is more important than one’s marriage.
If we cannot love our own favorite person through all of his ups and downs and trails and changes, then how will we ever love the poor and the unlovely and the forgotten of the world?
For contrary to the assumption of many, Scripture was not given to be obeyed; rather, it was given that the Lord might be obeyed.
…the human body is an infinitely more sacred thing since God Himself has been in it.
For to be naked with another person is a sort of picture or symbolic demonstration of perfect honesty, perfect trust, perfect giving and commitment, and if the heart is not naked along with the body, then the whole action becomes a lie and a mockery. It becomes an involvement in an absurd and tragic contradiction: the giving of the body but the withholding of the self.
Sex is a powerful outward symbol of the inner temper of a marital relationship. It is an arresting and self-evident truth that the quality of a marriage in all of its facets depends upon a wholesome and mutually satisfying sex life. And the corollary is also true, that the partners’ feelings about the marriage as a whole will almost always be reflected in the quality of their sexual relations.
If couples could give themselves to one another in every way as they did when they first passionately embraced, or as they have in their most sublime experiences of sex. Or even in their most ordinary lovemaking, then their problems would be few.
But perhaps the ultimate test of their love will lie in whether or not they can believe in those times of almost perfect giving and acceptance, believe in them as being the true times, the holy times, never doubting or resenting or forgetting them afterwards in the stress and trail of daily life, but rather building on them, taking them as the models of what their love must be (and really is in its essence), nurturing and enlarging those deep seeds of intimacy that have been so lovingly planted in the memory of their flesh.
It is a dangerous thing in marriage to forget, even for a moment, that one’s partner is a person of the opposite sex.
When people forget that the opposite sex is opposite, it can result in men actually resenting women for not being men, and vice versa.
When it comes to any secret, a husband may well be able to conceal from his wife what it is, exactly, but he can never hide that the fact that it is.
Marriage, like life itself, is both a giving and taking away. What is given in marriage is fairly obvious: the love of another human being. What is taken away is perhaps not quite so apparent: the entire freedom to think and to act as an independent person.
…it does become apparent that in choosing to be married one has also chosen not to be single, and that in choosing one particular partner one has automatically surrendered the possibility of marrying anyone else.
Many a man will surrender his whole life to alcohol or to some ideology or to money or ambition or to the glamour of politics long before he would think of surrendering to his wife.
It is a whole bunch of really little things that can ruin a marriage, because that is what our wills tend to be made up of: petty, selfish desires.
Marriage reduces all decisions to one, one simple decision that must be made over and over, and there are no results more particular or far-reaching or catastrophic than the results of that initial and ongoing decision to invite one other person to interfere permanently in our lives.
Who wins this battle of wills and whims is not the point; the point is that each tries to surrender as much as possible for the sake of the other so that the love between them may be honored and built up in every way…
Rightness, whenever it seeks to dominate, becomes wrongness, no matter how right it may be.
…marriage will, very definitely and very forcibly, begin an inexorable process in which whether they like it or not the two of them will come to grow more and more like one another.
…before love can really begin to be love, it must face and forgive the very worst in the person loved.
Rather, it is simply that we become willing to see this person as a perfect wife or husband, even as the perfect wife or husband: that is, the perfect one for us, the very one we need.
…all progress in spirituality comes, not from striving to be closer to God, but rather from realizing and accepting that already we’re one with Him.
Our God is already with us and in us and wants us to rest in His arms, full of thanks and wonder, basking in relief and joy.
Marriage exploits the fact that humans are not opaque but are full of holes. Eyes, mouths, ears, sexual orifices are the channels for intimate communion. Through our cracks, love gets in.
Oneness in marriage, as with God, is not a skill to be mastered. Rather it’s a phenomenon to be marveled at with increasing humility and gratitude.
How, practically, can a couple submit themselves to God and so discover unity with each other? How can oneness be cherished? There are, to my knowledge, two prerequisites. One is shared prayer, and the other is unconditional love.
Couples who do not pray are as badly off as those who stop sleeping together.
We change, paradoxically, only as we come into the light of unconditional love and experience the astounding freedom to be exactly as we are.
The image of God is not only in the man alone but in a relationship. Only through loving, harmonious relationships can God be known, for He exists in such a relationship Himself.
Amidst all the difficulties of a shared life, unconditional love may not always be felt, but is can always be intended. And in the final analysis this is what counts. God sees and values, not our performance, but the intent of our heart.
Application:
Be content in celibacy and recognize the enormous sacrifice entailed in marriage. The grass is not greener on the other side.
January 9, 2020
Five stars. This book is beautiful. It took me months and months to get through; this is no easy to read “how-to” manual on marriage, but rather a deeply spiritual discussion of oneness and mutual submission. Where better than marriage to practice our faith and reflect the gospel - the laying down of our will for the sake of another, choosing to use whatever gift we’ve been given to serve others, loving when it is not earned. Especially then! “Too often others are but the punctuation marks in the dry and windy monologues of our own self-centered existence.” —- I am encouraged that the mystery and magic of marriage can cure this self-centeredness in me if I will allow it to do its work. And the work is done by true love, and the mystery by two becoming one; what a gift.
August 28, 2021
3.5 stars because of the extreme wordiness. However, there are many beautiful thoughts/truths scattered throughout, and my favorite chapter was, strangely enough, the one on Death. A worthwhile read.
“Why not strive to live each day not only as if it were our last, or even the last for the whole world, but the last for some one particular person whom we love? For indeed, it may well be. Then, far from being a black cloud hanging over our love, constantly threatening deluge, the presence of death may be converted into a spring, watering our thoughts with the preciousness of life and of each moment, and with the cherishing of our hope and eternity through the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Pg. 175
“Why not strive to live each day not only as if it were our last, or even the last for the whole world, but the last for some one particular person whom we love? For indeed, it may well be. Then, far from being a black cloud hanging over our love, constantly threatening deluge, the presence of death may be converted into a spring, watering our thoughts with the preciousness of life and of each moment, and with the cherishing of our hope and eternity through the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Pg. 175
July 23, 2021
I read the first half of this book after year 1 or 2 of marriage. We received it as anniversary gift from a wonderful college professor. I liked it, but it fell to the bottom of my reading list for a while. I just finished the second half in year 5 of marriage and WOW. It is one of the most beautifully written, honest books on marriage I’ve read. His reflections are profound. This book is much deeper than other books in the marriage genre. Perhaps because his writing is more personal. It feels like a conversation with a really wise, honest mentor rather than a preachy, “here’s how to do better” approach. I underlined a ton and gained deeper insights about the Gospel as well.
April 20, 2023
Wonderful book that is Ideal for young couples in the engagement season or first couple years of marriage. The last two chapters didn’t have the same appeal as the rest of the book for me, but everything before that was excellent. Mason does a great job teasing out the connections between the marriage and the gospel. The writing is more reflective and personal than didactic and structured and he circles around a few themes a lot.
October 13, 2020
Wow, if you’re married or planning to be, this book is an essential for the library. It’s some of the best reading I’ve done in a long time. I will certainly be keeping this book close by for future reference.
November 5, 2021
He should have stopped at marriage, not enter into some advanced (or not so) doctrines;
But it's a special book with a special point of view, and very nice revelation on the first 3 chapters on the Book of Books
But it's a special book with a special point of view, and very nice revelation on the first 3 chapters on the Book of Books
July 4, 2022
Some beautiful insights on marriage for those that have been married a few years… enjoyed most chapters but there were a few moments where I’m not quite sure I saw things the same way… but overall a wonderful look at love within a marriage covenant under Christ.
March 3, 2025
A lovely ode to Christian marriage (and not more than that).
May 28, 2023
Mason’s genius is that he took a subject which I already understand perfectly and managed to teach me more.
June 29, 2019
Hands down, best marriage book out there. If you read any, READ THIS ONE!!
February 24, 2025
actually quite good, if a bit cringey at times
March 4, 2011
Few books arrest my attention and captivate my mind like The Mystery of Marriage has. Mason's prose is magnificent, and his chapters are extended meditations. It's a slow read that prompts reflection, prayer and conversation. This is not a "what is marriage" book or a "how to relationship" volume. He goes beyond merely describing marriage or offering relationship advice. He wrestles with marriage's transcendent and immanent qualities, making the daily ups and downs divine encounters. The Mystery of Marriage is must reading for mature couple, pastors and Christian counselors. Engaged or newly wed couples, suffering from sentimentality and idealism, will miss Mason's profound observations and conclusions. Should they read it early in their marriage, they will need to return to it after several years. However, seasoned couples will see how the rhythm of their relationship points to the mystery of their union with Christ. It will move them from the mundane and into the majesty. Not every book on marriage is equally useful. That is, some books work better for certain persons or certain issues. The Mystery of Marriage, however, is highly recommended to all.
May 20, 2014
Hands down, the most profound and meaningful book I have ever read on the marriage covenant (and I've read quite a handful of Christian marriage books!). This is NOT a practical, how-to, step-by-step, tips for the married couple type of book. This book is pure poetry - spiritual, earthy, and intimate - taking the reader into the sensual and challenging daily walk of marriage. Mason is a poet at heart. He knows the perfect words to bring his readers into the Father's heart and design for marriage and how Christ can be seen in all the ordinary and raw details. I read this book before I began courting my husband (it was recommended by an awesome mentor of mine!) and then picked it up again soon after we started a relationship. We would read certain chapters together and discuss our thoughts. It played a wonderful part in our love story as we got to know each other better. Another fascinating aspect about this book is that it is book you can read at any season of life and marriage. I simply cannot describe the depth, insight, and inspiration found in this book. It simply must be read! If I could give it 10 stars, I would!
July 19, 2014
This is hands down the best book about Christian marriage that I have ever read. Not a how-to guide, but rather a paean to good marriage and its transformative power in believers' lives. I particularly appreciated that Mason didn't assume a "we're salvaging a wrecked ship" attitude, which so many relationship books take, but rather took a position of awe and wonder. Bonus points for not being filled with fictionalized accounts of good, bad, and indifferent marriages!
reread in May 2014 -- different parts of this book resonate with me each time I reread it. Mason's insights and words become more precious to me every year.
reread in May 2014 -- different parts of this book resonate with me each time I reread it. Mason's insights and words become more precious to me every year.
August 9, 2011
Deep. Not something I could read very quick, every sentence to be weighed in the heart and mind.
Having had cancer I totally identified with the last chapter on death (my version of the book being the not new edition)
Death being a way of wanting you to appriciate and love your spouse with a deeper passion because of the constant reminder of the mortality of the other person and oneself. As my favorite song from Death Cab for Cutie says "Love is watching someone die... So who is gonna watch you die?"
Having had cancer I totally identified with the last chapter on death (my version of the book being the not new edition)
Death being a way of wanting you to appriciate and love your spouse with a deeper passion because of the constant reminder of the mortality of the other person and oneself. As my favorite song from Death Cab for Cutie says "Love is watching someone die... So who is gonna watch you die?"
May 1, 2016
This is one of three nonfiction books that have made me cry. I picked this one up after greatly enjoying Mike Mason's The Violet Flash.
This is a literary look at marriage that will speak deeply to lovers of Lewis and A Severe Mercy. Don't mistake it for a "how to fix your relationship" book; instead it reminds us WHY we feel so deeply for another person in the first place.
This is a literary look at marriage that will speak deeply to lovers of Lewis and A Severe Mercy. Don't mistake it for a "how to fix your relationship" book; instead it reminds us WHY we feel so deeply for another person in the first place.
February 9, 2017
This is like no other book on marriage that I've ever seen. It's certainly not your typical "how to" study on having a good Christian marriage. Mike Mason delves deeply in to the theology of Christian marriage; the mystery behind it that makes it humbling and fulfilling, wonderful and disturbing, awesome and mundane all at once. Mason's word craft is superb. His writing is almost poetic, richly describing the mystery and the miracle of marriage. Well worth reading together with one's spouse and pondering the wondrous thoughts that this book evokes.
February 14, 2013
The author writes every thought with such poetic language and exaggerated imagery that I was turned off, and I like metaphors and poetry! I think this book suits some people, but not me. As others have said, it's not at all a practical, how-to sort of book, though the one chapter I liked best was the most practical one.
April 30, 2009
This is not a how-to marriage book (which I knew before I started it). It is a poetic description of marriage and I'm not a fan of poetry. I know a lot of people LOVE this book but for me I did not enjoy reading about hawks circling in the air (and what they represented for the author).
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