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233 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
"What paradisal moments are these that assail me at unconsidered moments? They are not, I think, involuntary memories such as those the celebrated madeleine is supposed to have invoked, for no specific events attach to them, no childhood landscapes, no beloved figures in rustling gowns or top-hats; rather they seem absences, suddenly stumbled upon, redolent of a content that never was but was only longed for achingly."
"Where do they come from, these mysterious, exalted flashes that are not memories yet seem far more than mere imaginings?"
"I did not know myself (do I ever know myself?)"
"I was like a lover who gazes in tongue-tied joy upon his darling and sees not her face but a dream of it. You were the pictures and they were you and I never noticed."
"I should say that A. herself was almost incidental to these swoony ruminations, which at their most concentrated became entirely self-sustaining."...
"...I know, I know the objections, I have read the treatises: there is no real she, only a set of signs, a series of appearances, a grid of relations between swarming particles; yet I insist on it: she was there at those times, it was she who clutched me to her and cried out, not a flickering simulacrum foisted on me by the stop-frame technique of a duplicitous reality. I had her." (5)
"Was I very ridiculous? I say again, I don't care about any of the rest of it, having been cheated and made a fool of and put in danger of going back to jail; all that matters is what you thought of me, think of me. (Think of me!)"
"Belief, trust, suspicion, these are chimeras that arise in hindsight, when I look back from the sad eminence of the knowledge of having been deceived."
"She desired to be seen, she said, to be a spectacle, to have her most intimate secrets purloined and betrayed. Yet I ask myself now if they really were her secrets that she offered up on the altar of our passion or just variations invented for this or that occasion."
"...but no, fake is not the right word. Unformed: that's it. She was not being but becoming. So I thought of her. Everything she did seemed a seeking after definition..."
"...yearning for some sort of final confirmation of...of what? Authenticity, perhaps. And yet it was precisely the inauthentic, the fragile theatre of illusions we had erected to house our increasingly exotic performances, that afforded us the fiercest and most precious transports of doomy pleasure. How keen the dark and tender thrill that shot through me when in the throes of passion she cried out my assumed - my false - name and for a second a phantom other, my jettisoned self, joined us and made a ghostly troilism of our panting labours...how dirty and even dangerous the games we played...
"In these sleepless nights I go over her inch by inch, mapping her contours, surveyor of all I no longer possess. I see her turning slowly in the depths of memory's screen, fixed and staring, too real to be real, like one of those three-dimensional models that computers make. It is then, when she is at her vividest, that I know I have lost her forever."
"And I, what did I think, what [did I] feel? At first bemusement, hesitancy and a sort of frightful exultation at being allowed such a licence...I saw myself towering over her like a maddened monster out of Goya, hirsute and bloody and irresistible, Morrow the Merciless. It was ridiculous, of course, and yet no her own arm and I would not stop, no, I would not stop.t ridiculous at all. I was monster and at the same time man. She would thrash under my blows with her face screwed up and fiercely biting her own arm and I would not stop, no, I would not stop...Who else was there, to make her come alive?"
"The streets were thronged with the ghost of her. The world of women had dwindled to a single image."
"These memories. Where is she in them? A word, a breath, a turning look. I have lost her. Sometimes I wish that I could lose all recollection of her, too. I suppose I shall, in time. I suppose memory will simply fall away from me, like hair, like teeth. I shall be glad of that diminishment...
"What galled me, I think, was the way the whole thing, that intricate dance of desire and deceit at the centre of which A. and I had whirled and twined, was turned [by the papers] into a clumping caper, bizarre, farcical almost, all leering snouts and horny hands and bare bums, like something by Breughel."