Loving People: How to Love and Be Loved

by John Townsend

Your personal guide to learning how to love.

When you say or hear the words "I love you" it can change your life forever.   Love is one of God's most important gifts to anyone, yet there are many misunderstandings about how to make love work in our families, friendships, marriages and dating relationships. In Loving People, best-selling author Dr. John Townsend shows you that love can actually be learned, and gives you the steps and tools to become skilled in love.

Using his trademark stories and illustrations to flesh out the important principles, Dr. Townsend covers:

receiving love connecting love healing love confronting love romantic love surrendering love

Through his teaching, readers will discover - and start enjoying - the words, actions, and experiences of authentic love.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality, Christian Living

214 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.

Reviews

[Violet Stone · Rating 4 out of 5]

For now this is 4 stars but I'm undecided. While it is a good book the structure needed a little work, I think.

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

4 stars up until the last chapter on romantic love. Wish I’d read that one a long time ago. He defines love as “seeking and doing the best for another”. The chapters focus on how to become a more loving person in all your relationships. He reminds us that love is a powerful force for good, the power of God in the world.

[Антонія · Rating 5 out of 5]

Любов і прийняття.
Любов і спілкування.
Любов і відпускання.

Автор веде від першого погляду до любові аж до смерті.
Кожен крок. Кожна деталь у стосунках.
Як любити, конфронтуючи.
Як любити, не бажаючи змінити інших.
Як любити, не дозволяючи переходити межі.

Дуже толкова книжка про стосунки.
Шкода, що її немає українською.

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Benefits
Better relationships
The experience of love
The capacity for intimacy
Freedom
Joy and happiness
Success in goals and dreams
Personal growth and healing
Leadership abilities
Good effects on others
Quality of life
Spiritual growth

“Each of these aspects helps in becoming a fully loving person:
• Connecting—making an emotional bond
• Truth-Telling—honesty that serves the other person
• Healing—repairing brokenness • Letting Go—giving up what should be surrendered
• Romancing—the unique love of being a couple.”

 
The Essentials of Receiving Connection (In Chapter 3)
1. Needing
1. Grace
2. Acceptance
3. Empathy - one of our most basic needs
4. Validation
5. Understanding
2. Asking
3. Taking it in “YOU MUST RECEIVE THE CONNECTION IN ORDER TO MAKE THE TRANSFER COMPLETE.”
1. Wholeheartedness - you cannot be ambivalent about it.
2. Using
4. The Disconnected State: “ Disconnection is the inability to feel and experience the warmth of connection over time.”
1. “The process by which we take in and use the attachment we have received in becoming a loved person is called internalization.”
5. God and Being Connected
1. The suspense movie The Butterfly Effect was mentioned.
6. Connection Before Change
7. The Role of Pain
8. The Abilities of a Connecting Person
9. Take the Initiative
1. Move fro the everyday to the emotional
10. Suspend Your Point of View
1. (This reminds me of Covey’s ‘Seek first to understand.’)
2. An example of getting lost in a movie - of empathizing with the protagonist.
11. Elements of the Connection Time
1. Deicide that for now, it’s not about you; it’s about them
2. Focus, focus, focus
1. Remember that our minds sometimes create distractions to get away from the connection.
3. While the person is talking, ask yourself, what is it like for him right now?
4. When you identify how the person is feeling, feel it yourself
5. Actions, words, and experiences
1. “Connecting is more than simple action and behavior. It cannot be summarized on a concrete to-do list … “
2. Connecting requires doing, saying, and experiencing.
6. Follow the Leader
1. Connection is a two-way street
2. (Don’t tell them how to feel)
7. A process more than an event
8. How long is enough
9. The context
10. The time apart
12. Taking the Next Steps
1. Demystify connection in your mind.
2. Start with people who have the ability to connect
3. Connection first, feelings second
4. Restrain the urge to advise
5. Trust God as the connector
13. (The end of Chapter 3)
-  
This book has an abbreviated list of the Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Action
4. Maintenance
-  
All six stages are as follows.
 
Six Stages of Change
by University of Rhode Island’s Cancer Prevention Research Center (James O. Prochaska, Pd.D.)
    
Precontemplation
The How-you-gonna-get-‘em-off-the-couch stage.  Many people never move forward from this stage.
    
Contemplation
You’re waiting for that magic moment.  You want to change (stop smoking, lose weight, wear sunscreen, cut back on alcohol use), and you’re thinking seriously about it.
    
Preparation
You have decided to take action within the next thirty days.
    
Action
You are practicing the behavior changes you thought about and prepared for.
    
Maintenance
You continue to work at practicing your new behavior, but it’s not a struggle any more. ... Some people simply remain in this stage.
    
Termination
Temptation no longer rears its head.  No way will you ever smoke again.  Fried food, forget it.  Buckle up without thinking about it.  You’re a regular in the Monday and Thursday aerobics class.  This is the final step in true behavior change.
 
Chapter 6: Letting Go: Accepting What Is
(This reminds me of the excellent book by Sherrie Mills Johnson: Count it All Joy)
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1. Say good-bye to your demand
1. For the other person to change
2. For perfect justice and fairness
3. For one specific person to meet your needs
4. For someone to stay in a relationship who wants to leave it.
(Just reading this headline one could easily get it wrong about how devastating divorce is.)

Chapter 7: Romancing: The Attraction Factor
1. Creating Romance
1. Do the undone aspects of love in your relationship
2. Love and be loved by others besides yourselves
3. Require that both of you have choices and freedom
1. “love, by definition, requires two people—the lover and the “lovee.” The more evident it is that you are two separate people, the more the romance can grow.”
4. Insist on connection before and during romance and sex
5. …

Contents
Part 1: What Is Love?
1. Learning to Love
2. The Nature of Love
Part 2: The Key Aspects of Love
3. Connecting: Bridging the Gap
4. Truth-Telling: Solving Problems
5. Healing: Restoring the Broken
6. Letting Go: Accepting What Is
7. Romancing: The Attraction Factor
Part 3: Becoming a Loving Person
8. Putting it All Together
A Final Thought


There are a lot of anecdotes in here. We learn through stories, so that is fine.

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my fourth book by Dr. Townsend. Like the others, it's well-written, good advice:
* You have to receive love before you can give it to others; get your emotions out before you confront others; confront others in love, to benefit them not yourself; love someone because it's inside you, not for their qualities; have good boundaries and don't allow hurtful behavior; romance and sex are not love; intimacy comes before sex; loving people don't tolerate evil or foolishness, but set limits; connection leads to bonding and prevents isolation; disconnected people can't connect or feel the love- it's the absence of being attached (PG 76).

However, it's not an easy book for me. I have detachment disorder and I live with narcissists (no, really my family has NPD). That means they are focused on themselves, not aware of their true selves, and don't take responsibility for their actions. I have managed to grow and change around them, but loving them will be a one-way street. It's possible they may imitate love they see, but not likely it'll be real.

Finding safe people has been a life-long pursuit. I'm better, but I don't have many loving experiences to internalize. This book gives good advice on how to be loving and how loving people behave, but it seems like it's for people who are struggling a little, or just unsure of where to begin. One of the final thoughts was to gather your team, but I don't have one. That's a consequence of being dysfunctional and detached. Nice ideas, but it seems too simply put yet too hard for me to do. I need advice from people who know dysfunction and can help me love my narcissistic enemies.

[Anthony · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hmmmm It is really good. Definitely in my top 3 books so far this year. In fairness that may not be saying much because I feel like this year has been slim pickins on the good book meter. Coincidentally it may not really be as good as I feel like it is because I have read so many bad books this year that a legitimate good one might feel better than it actually is. So I am refusing to give it 5 stars though it may be 5 stars.

Regardless, it really is a great psychological book about how to be a loving person, and how to love other people and how to love yourself. The author used so many examples that were ridiculously recognizable and more than a few that hit closer to home than I would like to admit!

Still, it was an insightful book that encourages people to love one another. It nails just what real love is and what all the different kinds of love should feel like as well as how to identify them. It promotes unwavering love without dismissing people who have failed, whether because of their own doing or not, at love. Maybe most importantly the book shows that God is love and His love is the best love.

Overall, I loved the book. I think everyone should read it. You don’t have to be a Christian to get the principles or appreciate the insight. It would be easy to dismiss the Christian aspects and still come away encouraged and empowered. Besides, everyone wants to be loved, and everyone wants someone to love, so everyone can benefit from this book.

[Barbara Harper · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because I struggle with my own selfishness and with not being more loving (not thinking of romantic love necessarily, but generally loving others).

Although Townsend does bring in Bible verses and principles, I couldn't really say it is a biblically-based book. Surprisingly absent from a book by a Christian about love was any discussion about the classic biblical passage on love, 1 Corinthians 13 (except for verses 1 and 13).

I got a lot of helpful points and thoughts from the book, but I can’t say, “Aha! Now I’ve got it!” Townsend brought up aspects of love that I had not heard or read in other pieces on this subject, but he also did not address other aspects that are usually considered.

While Townsend had a lot of good things to say, his style just didn’t gel with me. Not to say there is anything wrong with his style: he is a best-selling author, after all. But many of the conversations he described in the book are just not the kind I can imagine anyone I know having. Real people did have them, but I guess they were very different personalities from mine and my family and friends.

My longer review is here: https://barbarah.wordpress.com/2019/1...

[Paul Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really really really loved this book. I would recommend this to anyone who wants to understand: how to be a loving person, but also understand the mechanics of what goes into this. So it is faith based- he is a Christian- he uses very simple language that helps illuminate and contextualise some difficulties in being loving and understanding love. One point that the writer made that has stuck with me is that being a loving person entails: Humility (admitting that you don't know how to and need to learn) and tolerating discomfort. It helped me realise that to love someone will force you outside of your comfort zone and will stretch you. Also the definition of seeking the other persons best as the consistent definition helped to ground all the other thing chapters stacking up and enlarging the points he builds while talking about being a loving person. It has been a very helpful read for me and has left me reflecting on a lot of areas to go before God in prayer about. Fully recommend this book again to anyone, very biblical, very helpful with useful stories to cement points and he concludes each chapter with a well phrased and memorable summary (he writes in such a way to reinforce important and key elements throughout the book.

[Reeds · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is a key in this book that it is safe to say 'everyone' needs because we certainly aren't born knowing it. It has to be learned. This would bring such peace to thirsty hearts.

As I was reading this book, someone told me about the atmosphere in their home. Her elderly father lives with her, and he has an entitlement attitude, he has expectations that everyone will run around behind him and clean up all the messes he makes, he shows zero gratitude. He makes them feel like slaves, and rebellious. I told her about this book, but the feelings of the slaves are so raw I think they'd be more likely to beat him on the head with the book than calmly use the methods.
Other than entitled slave bullies, and their angry, bitter, and resentful slaves, this book has something for everyone.

[Singalongalong · Rating 4 out of 5]

G

Crapp. The second season of life, of saying yes to the good things, following the boundaries book which was saying no to the wrong things. If we only knew how to genuinely love people better!! Love God, love people, so the motto has been .. a slowwww incrediblyyyy slowwww rewardinggg beautifull humbling journey tis. Exploration, growth, discomfort, more stretching to be continued. Gahhflrjflx..

[Yannick Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening... Love heals, love restores it changes life, love is a gift and it requires humility and discomfort (taking risk, being vulnerable). Connection is a bridge and is very important to help you grow and heal, you need community.
Loving people are mature enough to know they don't need validation from others. They can give back love freely. They can be focused on others and not on themselves or they feelings.
This is a great book about the power of love.

[Taunya Marie Palmer · Rating 1 out of 5]

A hard read

I skimmed through the last half of this book. Whi!e I appreciate the need to be aware of others' feelings, especially in tough situations, I felt like this book pushed too much to treat every interaction like a deep, life changing event. This was a depressing read at best.

[Aaron Cash · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an amazing book about how to live out the 1 Corinthians 13 lifestyle with the people around you. Recommended for any age, stage or relationship status as a way too guide you in the gift of loving people.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I gave four stars because some of the suggestions and tips really make sense. But the example of comparing your need for connection to a dog that is running away and seeking food from neighbors just caught me of guard 🤣🤣🤣

[Laura Dallas · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best relationship book I have ever read.

[Sophie Gissovska · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book brings healing, hope and more clear image about real LOVE within human beings, with right intentions and right borders as it was designed by God.

[Mona Randall · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great growth inspiring read! I also love the title, "Loving People". It could be an action or description. Highly recommended reading.

[Farah D Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye Opening

This book has help me understand a great deal about loving! Especially on how to love some of the most difficult people in my life, especially with my mother.

[Eliza · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read as audiobook

[DeLaura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a good book for everyone to read. Especially those in ministry or a leadership position. We have to learn how to love others the right way and this gives some great insights.

[Deb · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book on what love is and what it takes to accept love from other and to give it in return. The aspects of love that it deals are connecting, truth telling, healing, letting go, and romancing. [return]This is a book that for me is one that I will want to get and refer to again and again as I seek to grow in the many areas it covers. The authors advice and explanations all made excellent sense to me. It has a Christian persective but that is not overstated I think anyone would benefit from the basic principles it covers. Anyone who feels like they could benefit from forming deeper connections with other people should read this book.

[Kendra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoy the books I have read by Dr. Townsend, but this one seemed a bit elementary. The information seemed obvious (such as how to connect with people) unless you are just totally socially inept. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems obvious to me to pay attention to what the person is saying, lean forward, to genuinely be concerned and interested in them etc. But it might be helpful to certain people, just not me.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all want to be loved and knowing how to love and be loved is something we learn to do. It is not something that we do well without effort.

As our relationships change over time so does the way we express and experience love.

It starts with doing what is best for the person we love before looking to our own needs and desires.

I think this will go on my must read list for marriage and family life but there is something to learn here for everyone.

[Laura Robb · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have read on what it means to be a loving person. Townsend gives the Biblical definition of love, walks through the aspects of love, and provides real-life examples and ways to apply the concepts in each chapter.

"Learning to love others authentically, and in ways that matter to them, is one of the best things anyone can do...Experiencing and giving love are signs of life to us--that we are here, that God is real, and that our lives matter."

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book starts with I love You! These three words can change your life! How truly infinite is God's perfect love, And what a journey is to try to fully recieve His love and fully Give it away! I have read a chapter of this book and look forward to completing it and applying the truths in my life.

[Emil Bredahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of the best books that I have read for a very long time. A master piece that I would like to suggest to anyone who is looking for a good book to read. It is so challenging and convicting and through this book you will grow through hundreds of "Aha" moments.
Amazing book that is surely worth reading

[Mark Manderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Learning to love others authentically and in ways that matter to them is the best thing you can do.
Love is seeking and doing the best for another.
My biggest takeaway is need to jump in the well with them when they're experiencing deeper emotions as our natural tendency is to gloss over and move away.

[Shevonne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Townsend had great tips and solutions for people who have issues with showing and receiving love. I started using some of his advice, and people in my life started being more receptive. Definitely a great read.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Takeaways:
Loving someone is having their best interests at heart. Wanting their betterment.
The father loved the prodigal son enough to let him go. He respected him enough not to cajole, threaten, or manipulate. That too is love.

[jonesbrand · Rating 4 out of 5]

Packed with great concepts. Read it twice.