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This is How it Feels: A Memoir of Attempting Suicide and Finding Life
At twenty-years-old, Craig Miller attempted to end his own life. He sat on the edge of a rented bed and swallowed two hundred and fifty pills. He lay back and closed his eyes, never imagining that a note he wrote to himself fourteen years earlier would be what would save his life. That note, written across the creases of a tear stained paper, read, “Don’t ever forget how this feels.”
From the time he was six-years-old, Craig lived his life by those words. He believed that if he needed to remember the feelings behind his life’s most significant events, then there must be a reason why they happened. And for three extraordinary days following his suicide attempt, as he lay in the Intensive Care Unit floating in and out of consciousness, he found those reasons.
He relived days from his childhood when his only friend became his assailant. He relived years of building a troubled and misguided relationship with God when he prayed to be saved from a violent and broken home. He remembered when the pain of his life’s tragedies finally caught up to him. He lost the only person he had ever loved and became the victim of severe obsessive compulsive disorder, relentless anxiety, and devastating irrational fear.
After each memory, he awoke to the blurred reality of his suicide attempt. The struggle to fight his childhood assailant became a battle with nurses and doctors who worked to restrain him to a hospital bed. The pain from a fist to his nose became the sting of a tube as it was pushed down his throat by the medical staff. And the memory of freezing alone on a cold winter night became the reality of a dark, lonely hospital room. But more importantly, after each memory ended, Craig was left with the feeling that remained from reliving it. He felt the imprint it left within him- the deep desire to love, the desperate need to change, and the fiery will to fight.
Craig Miller lay in a hospital bed for three days while his body fought for life, but his soul stood undecided on the threshold of existence. He relived the most pivotal moments of his life and saw himself from an entirely new perspective. He learned that God does not punish, and that love, no matter how bad it hurts, is worth it. He learned that compassion is to see the hurt in the eyes of another, no matter how bad we hurt ourselves. He learned that living in the darkness of mental illness can be one of the most powerful paths to self-discovery. And he learned that there are, in fact, reasons for everything. But above all, Craig learned that life, no matter how hard it gets, is worth living.
From the time he was six-years-old, Craig lived his life by those words. He believed that if he needed to remember the feelings behind his life’s most significant events, then there must be a reason why they happened. And for three extraordinary days following his suicide attempt, as he lay in the Intensive Care Unit floating in and out of consciousness, he found those reasons.
He relived days from his childhood when his only friend became his assailant. He relived years of building a troubled and misguided relationship with God when he prayed to be saved from a violent and broken home. He remembered when the pain of his life’s tragedies finally caught up to him. He lost the only person he had ever loved and became the victim of severe obsessive compulsive disorder, relentless anxiety, and devastating irrational fear.
After each memory, he awoke to the blurred reality of his suicide attempt. The struggle to fight his childhood assailant became a battle with nurses and doctors who worked to restrain him to a hospital bed. The pain from a fist to his nose became the sting of a tube as it was pushed down his throat by the medical staff. And the memory of freezing alone on a cold winter night became the reality of a dark, lonely hospital room. But more importantly, after each memory ended, Craig was left with the feeling that remained from reliving it. He felt the imprint it left within him- the deep desire to love, the desperate need to change, and the fiery will to fight.
Craig Miller lay in a hospital bed for three days while his body fought for life, but his soul stood undecided on the threshold of existence. He relived the most pivotal moments of his life and saw himself from an entirely new perspective. He learned that God does not punish, and that love, no matter how bad it hurts, is worth it. He learned that compassion is to see the hurt in the eyes of another, no matter how bad we hurt ourselves. He learned that living in the darkness of mental illness can be one of the most powerful paths to self-discovery. And he learned that there are, in fact, reasons for everything. But above all, Craig learned that life, no matter how hard it gets, is worth living.
297 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 22, 2012
14 people are currently reading
141 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
September 15, 2016
This was another book on a course syllabus. It reads outrageously quickly, so paired with an outrageously long daily commute, I had this done in no time. Which, unfortunately, I was a little relieved about.
I find myself needing to split this review into two main talking points for the sake of fairness, and since I'm practicing strengths-based approaches, I'll end on a positive.
Talking Point One (the Negative): the writing is just horrible. I generally don't look for quality of writing when I read; I'm much more of a content person. But there are times when I just can't ignore it because it is so glaringly bad. And though it kills me to say, I have to be frank because it did get to a point where I found myself wanting to skim over parts or losing the significance of the content because I was getting hung up on the quality of the writing itself. Not even just in the plainness of it, the way in which he told his story (nestling a past memory into a present moment following is suicide attempt), while eventually becoming his powerful final point in the book, never seemed to shake the cliche that clung to it. It read more as a soap opera script than a raw personal account.
But...to follow up with a strength...
Talking Point Two (the Positive): writing about trauma, mental health challenges/diagnoses, and suicide is not/cannot be easy, particularly with the amount of stigma, assumption, and taboo assigned to it all. For that alone, Miller gets a lot of credit for peeling open all those wounds to show others the importance of seeing and addressing that pain. This memoir was assigned for a course I have on understanding suicide, and while it read more as a memoir on OCD and trauma, I did appreciate the power of naming and describing suicide-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
In short, it's brave. And I can't take those points away, regardless of the stars I attach to this review.
I find myself needing to split this review into two main talking points for the sake of fairness, and since I'm practicing strengths-based approaches, I'll end on a positive.
Talking Point One (the Negative): the writing is just horrible. I generally don't look for quality of writing when I read; I'm much more of a content person. But there are times when I just can't ignore it because it is so glaringly bad. And though it kills me to say, I have to be frank because it did get to a point where I found myself wanting to skim over parts or losing the significance of the content because I was getting hung up on the quality of the writing itself. Not even just in the plainness of it, the way in which he told his story (nestling a past memory into a present moment following is suicide attempt), while eventually becoming his powerful final point in the book, never seemed to shake the cliche that clung to it. It read more as a soap opera script than a raw personal account.
But...to follow up with a strength...
Talking Point Two (the Positive): writing about trauma, mental health challenges/diagnoses, and suicide is not/cannot be easy, particularly with the amount of stigma, assumption, and taboo assigned to it all. For that alone, Miller gets a lot of credit for peeling open all those wounds to show others the importance of seeing and addressing that pain. This memoir was assigned for a course I have on understanding suicide, and while it read more as a memoir on OCD and trauma, I did appreciate the power of naming and describing suicide-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
In short, it's brave. And I can't take those points away, regardless of the stars I attach to this review.
April 19, 2014
Wow.
This book was compelling and short enough to read in one sitting, but it brought up far too many memories of places, people and situations I'd forgotten. Half-way through reading it I realized I had never read a memoir dealing with depression and suicide before - probably for this very reason of it triggering me.
Even without the many similarities between my own and the authors' story, I'd have been taken on a journey inside his mind thanks to the vivid descriptions and openness. The most amazing aspects to me were the periods of obsessive/compulsive thoughts and rituals. I have not had experiences with that and it was mesmerizing to be along for the ride.
An uplifting, life-affirming story all in all. You certainly will know how it feels. The recovery seemed sudden and rather miraculous. I hope it was.
This book was compelling and short enough to read in one sitting, but it brought up far too many memories of places, people and situations I'd forgotten. Half-way through reading it I realized I had never read a memoir dealing with depression and suicide before - probably for this very reason of it triggering me.
Even without the many similarities between my own and the authors' story, I'd have been taken on a journey inside his mind thanks to the vivid descriptions and openness. The most amazing aspects to me were the periods of obsessive/compulsive thoughts and rituals. I have not had experiences with that and it was mesmerizing to be along for the ride.
An uplifting, life-affirming story all in all. You certainly will know how it feels. The recovery seemed sudden and rather miraculous. I hope it was.
November 28, 2022
Craig Miller is a talented writer who demonstrates courage and resiliency throughout his telling of his story. He uses metaphor to describe what it was like laying in the hospital bed after waking up from his suicide attempt.
His descriptive language kept me reading. Even though the book was about a sad and traumatic experience, Miller's writing made me want to continue reading his words. Like an artist has a paint brush and palette, Miller uses his writing and memories to create a picture.
I can't write any more without ruining it for others. I highly recommend this book. This is a book that would make a great movie if the author agreed and the film were done correctly. I look forward to reading other material this author might publish: poetry, more nonfiction or even a novel.
His descriptive language kept me reading. Even though the book was about a sad and traumatic experience, Miller's writing made me want to continue reading his words. Like an artist has a paint brush and palette, Miller uses his writing and memories to create a picture.
I can't write any more without ruining it for others. I highly recommend this book. This is a book that would make a great movie if the author agreed and the film were done correctly. I look forward to reading other material this author might publish: poetry, more nonfiction or even a novel.
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April 13, 2023I read this for a class about suicide. It is filled with extremely upsetting content, so content warning for just about every type of abuse and trauma.
It was a very quick read which was helpful in getting through it. The book is a powerful first hand account of Miller’s childhood and teenager years which were rife with abuse and neglect, as he looks back on his life after recovering from a suicide attempt. His depiction of his OCD was well written and provided helpful insight.
I also appreciated his showing his wide spectrum of experiences with institutions and psychiatry, which ranged from healing to deeply traumatic. I also appreciated how it showed that religion/faith can be both harmful and a source of hope at the same time.
It was a very quick read which was helpful in getting through it. The book is a powerful first hand account of Miller’s childhood and teenager years which were rife with abuse and neglect, as he looks back on his life after recovering from a suicide attempt. His depiction of his OCD was well written and provided helpful insight.
I also appreciated his showing his wide spectrum of experiences with institutions and psychiatry, which ranged from healing to deeply traumatic. I also appreciated how it showed that religion/faith can be both harmful and a source of hope at the same time.
April 24, 2018
Craig Miller's descriptions of his experiences are both vivid and poetic. It was impossible for me not to feel what he was feeling in both his triumphant and his traumatic moments, which about halfway through the book becomes a really heavy feeling, even just reading about it. Luckily the ending is very uplifting and hopeful, and it brought a tear to my eye. He even included resources for people who are considering suicide.
The only downside to this book is there wasn't much of a warning on some of the traumatic things he talks about-- so if you're sensitive to materials that include sexual assault or family violence, parts of this could be a tough read.
The only downside to this book is there wasn't much of a warning on some of the traumatic things he talks about-- so if you're sensitive to materials that include sexual assault or family violence, parts of this could be a tough read.
August 7, 2024
I truly appreciated this book. It was something i had to read for a college course but it’s what drew me into loving reading. The story he tells is one that you must read if your in the mental health field of work.
May 7, 2017
Emotionally inspiring book about living hardships, mental health, and God.
November 3, 2021
Very enlightening
February 16, 2024
Suicide
January 11, 2019
A nice storytelling-like quality to the writing which allows for a captivating and quick read, though the topic is an emotionally difficult one. The author allows the reader to engage with the material in a safe way through this writing style while still conveying an accurate and thorough description of a topic not often spoken about. I read this for a class on suicide in my graduate social work study, and the book was helpful as a sort of case study and practice for identifying warning signs and assessing risk. The chronological structure to the book is also helpful in guiding the reader towards a better understanding of what might lead someone to consider suicide as an option. I did struggle around the ending, in regards to the meaning-making the author gave to his experience, but it is a personal memoir and though I may not understand the power of the meaning-making experience for this individual, it is still to be respected as their experience.
April 25, 2014
I have the fortune to hear Craig Miller speak at the 2014 Massachusetts Suicide Prevention Conference. Craig's story is one of resilience. He demonstrates an amazing amount of insight, understand and compassion to those who have mistreated him, while giving his readers insight into mental illness and suicidal thoughts. Craig, clearly, WANTS the reader to know THIS IS HOW IT FEELS. He shares his story, thoughts, faith, and pain in the hopes that it helps others prevent other suicide attempts. His book is emotionally difficult and painful to read, at times, but his brutal honesty, humbleness, and gift to tell and share compel the reader to hang on with him through those difficult moments. Thank you, Craig, for writing about how it feels and sharing your soul with us.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews