My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging

by Rachel Naomi Remen

In My Grandfather's Blessings, Rachel Naomi Remen, a cancer physician and master storyteller, uses her luminous stories to remind us of the power of our kindness and the joy of being alive.

Dr. Remen's grandfather, an orthodox rabbi and scholar of the Kabbalah, saw life as a web of connection and knew that everyone belonged to him, and that he belonged to everyone. He taught her that blessing one another is what fills our emptiness, heals our loneliness, and connects us more deeply to life.

Life has given us many more blessings than we have allowed ourselves to receive. My Grandfather's Blessings is about how we can recognize and receive our blessings and bless the life in others. Serving others heals us. Through our service we will discover our own wholeness—and the way to restore hidden wholeness in the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Spirituality, Memoir, Book Club, Self Help, Inspirational, Religion

397 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 2001

About the author

Rachel Naomi Remen is one of the earliest pioneers in the mind/body holistic health movement and the first to recognize the role of the spirit in health and the recovery from illness. She is Co-Founder and Medical Director of the Commonweal Cancer Help Program featured in the Bill Moyers PBS series, Healing and the Mind and has cared for people with cancer and their families for almost 30 years.

Reviews

[Elizabeth Pinborough · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We avoid suffering only at the great cost of distancing ourselves from life. In order to live fully we may need to look deeply and respectfully at our own suffering and at the suffering of others. In the depths of every wound we have survived is the strength we need to live. The wisdom our wounds can offer us is a place of refuge. Finding this is not for the faint of heart. But then, neither is life" (138.

In this book Rachel Naomi Remen chronicles, anecdotally, her experiences in her medical practice. This is not just another Chicken Soup for the Soul book (although Remen has written another book called Kitchen Table Wisdom ). It had a profoundly moving effect on me. Remen deals with a lot of women's issues, but mainly with living a more full life by acknowledging the light that exists in each human being. I think this book would resonate with anyone interested in becoming a refuge for other people or in accepting the natural course of his or her life.

My favorite chapter is "The Path," in which Remen describes remodeling her house and trying to figure out how to create access to her front door. There was either a direct way, one where you could see the door from the beginning of the path, and an indirect way, one where you climbed some steps with a magnificent view of the San Francisco Bay and only at the last minute saw the door. She says, "Thinking about it now, it seems to me that knowing where we are going encourages us to stop seeing and hearing and allows us to fall asleep. In fact, when I find myself on such a direct path, a part of me rushes ahead to the front door the moment I see it. As I hurry to overtake this part, I usually do not really see anything that I pass. Not knowing where you are going creates more than uncertainty; it fosters a sense of aliveness, an appreciation of the particulars around you. It wakes you up much in the same way that illness does. I chose the second way. . . . The truth is that we are always moving toward mystery and so we are far closer to what is real when we do not see our destination clearly" (289).

[Sundy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been especially poignant to read because I had a neighbor/friend die of cancer at Thanksgiving. Another neighbor just finished his first round of chemotherapy. My dad died a little over a year ago of cancer. Another neighbor just a few months before my dad. This is a book that, I have decided, needs to be read in snatches. Read. Think. Weeks go by. Forget. Re-read. Re-think. Remember. I had put the book aside for a bit and now it's time to read a few more pages.

One of my favorite chapters is "Belonging" (p. 197-200 in my book). I've been thinking about it in relationship to Writing Center work:

"Many times when we help we do not really serve. . . . Serving is also different from fixing. One of the pioneers of the Human Potential Movement, Abraham Maslow, said, "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.' Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment of life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise. When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time."

[Kristin Traylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely beautiful book! It is a series of very short essays, coming from her experiences growing up and also practicing medicine.and I read 1-2 each evening. Very moving, and encouraging.

[Lia · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is another one of those books I would classify as "Pop Religion", and, being a devout religionist myself, perhaps had a reaction to it similar to that of a real scientist to any number of the "Pop Science" books that top the charts. As far as the book is concerned, the same non-points and not-so pithy platitudes were repeated over and over again using only slightly varying personal experiences from her years as a therapist as justification for her generalizations. The principles on which I assume the book was supposed to be founded--"service", "wholeness", "healing", "blessing"--started and ended wholly devoid of meaning. Having been so commercialized in our consumer-oriented American society, "service" means very, very little. Ms. Remen didn't take opportunity to explain what exactly she meant by this little buzzword, but proceeded to use it over and over and over. Her definition of "healing" is apparently interchangable with "acceptance", as when the surgeon who treated a woman who had committed suicide learned from the woman's husband that "she was in Heaven now", and was thus able to find "healing" when the surgeon's own wife committed suicide four years later. Is that healing? I would think healing would have been more along the lines of recognizing some strain in this man and his wife's suicide that could have changed his own relationship for the better, thus preventing his wife's suicide.

Ms. Remen exhausts almost 400 pages to say practically nothing; the few genuine jewels of wisdom she does stumble across have been better and more succinctly said any number of places. This is especially irritating because one gets a certain sense of self-satisfaction bordering on smugness about Ms. Remen. She feels very confident that she has everything figured out (though, as I've said, she fails to convey this wisdom to her readers), and anything she does not have figured out she ascribes to the Mystery, which necessarily ought not to be understood anyway. She seems to be quite the little narcissist: the way she records a conversation, her name is stated four or five times; she is always the one gently leading her patients to the edge of a wisdom in which she, herself, is already immersed; and she is undoubtedly the life-blood in the majority of her cancer patients' recoveries. Even the title! Why "My Grandfather"? Of course it's her grandfather! On that note, had this been a hagiography of her grandfather, a man who seems to have had a challenging but valiant, significant life devoted to noble ideals, this would have been a much better use of paper. Instead we have an introduction to Ms. Remen's personal religion, a creed of which she herself reigns as supreme goddess.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like short chapters, and this book has short chapters that can stand alone and uplift. Very moving accounts of one doctor's counseling work among terminally and chronically ill people.

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains some lovely true stories and insights. Based on the title, I wouldn't have expected to like it. But actually only a small portion of the book is about the author's grandfather. The majority of the book is 2-3 page chapters telling stories about something that happened to the author or someone she knows.

The author, Remen, is a doctor who counsels people with cancer and has had a life-long chronic illness herself. Because of this, she has spent a lot of time thinking about what really matters in life, how to be authentic, how to truly serve others, etc. A running theme throughout the book emphasizes the value of every life and how every kind action, no matter how small, can have a big impact.

Although I didn't love every story, I appreciated that the chapters were so short. If one chapter didn't strike a chord with me, it was over quickly and I could try again with the next one. That being said, there were several stories that I found to be quite profound. My sister gave me a copy of this book, so I was able to highlight certain passages and stories, and I know I will refer to them again in the future. Because the book contains so many stories, each person who reads it is likely to be moved by several of them - or more.

I found the organization of the book to be a little haphazard and sometimes a bit repetitive, but these did little to take away from the overall positive impact of the book.

[Kristin Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the vignettes and stories of Rachel’s life either from her childhood with her grandfather or those from her own practice as an adult.

I was surprised by how much Rachel remembered of her grandfather, she was only 7 years old when he passed. And yet, the impact he had on her lasted a lifetime. And it seems he continues to bless her and others who can find words of wisdom in these pages. She has a lot of her own “blessings” she learned just by life experience.

I didn’t like all the chapters equally although some were particularly good while others I could’ve gone without. Overall, I really liked them and her perspective. I was surprised to find that she has Crohn’s disease as it’s a malady that hits close to home for me. I think for that reason, some of her words about it were harder for me to read. I’m happy she has been able to live a happy and long life despite her own health challenges.

[Lexi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my favorite books of all time. I have probably read this at least 5 times, starting the summer between my first and second year of college sitting by the pool in Puerto Rico (ahhhh). Anyway, this book is full of great stories that make you laugh, cry and think. I LOVE IT. She ties in her memories of her grandfather and things he taught her with how it changed the way she interacts with her patients (she does therapy/counseling for terminally ill patients - mostly cancer). I love the quotes from this book, and constantly want to read it again and again. Many great life lessons in here. Highly recommended for EVERYONE.

[Teddi]

This book was not at all what I originally thought it would be. Each chapter is short and a 'mini story' of someone's life or a concept. The author has done an excellent job of sharing her insight on what it means to bless the lives of others and how we are all intricately woven into each others lives. I found myself getting emotional many times during the reading and was very touched by the true experiences that were shared. This is a book that I will re-read just to remember the gems and wisdom contained within. It is sweet and spiritual and filled my cup of emotional need many times over! Highly recommended!

[Erin Isgett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so, so much. There are dozens and dozens of short sections that address so many parts of life, death, family, medicine, the mind-body connection...it is just fantastic. The experiences of various people are shared, along with lessons learned from parents and grandparents, and from the author's own professional life. This is the kind of book that I'd like to read a section from each day so that I could really think, ponder, and apply the lessons learned. I definitely recommend this book to everyone.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I used this book as a “before sleep” devotional, reading a short chapter or two and pondering the message. I found that I’ve noted several passages to go back to and think about more. It is not a religious book, but Dr. Remen’s grandfather was a Jewish rabbi and much of her reflection stems from his teachings to her as a young child. That in itself is interesting as I learned a number of things about the Jewish faith, but primarily I found her work and her insights helpful and timely. Not a book you should contemplate devouring in an afternoon.

[Lorraine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful reminisces of a physician and her patients and the wisdom she learned from their suffering. Wisdom from her Rabbi Grandfather, who taught her while very young. Short anecdotes of lessons learned from a variety of places and circumstances. This is how I have envisioned recording all the wisdom I learned teaching K for 25 years. My notes and stories are still in a box in the basement. I may try putting them in print.

[Sandra Strange · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really was touched by the sweet reflections of this author, a doctor who left conventional medicine to join a group who stresses holistic medicine, dealing with the spirit, as well as the body. She counsels with people experiencing fatal or chronic illness, as well as those doctors and nurses who treat them. Using her own experiences and what her gentle Jewish rabbi grandfather taught her as a child (he died when she was seven), she muses on the truths about living and valuing life.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, man. I loved, loved, loved this book. My sister has been telling me to read this book for years and I'm glad I finally borrowed it. I so enjoyed the stories, wisdom and vulnerable truths found within. I wanted to mark and share so many parts with friends. I can't recommend this book enough if you have any interest in mind/body connections, faith, medicine or all the above. It's not too granola, churchy or new-agey--it's just right. I want to re-read it now that I'm finished.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is time to reread this book. Even though I never reviewed it in 2011, I think back to it often. I have been taught by many people to see my blessings and to live in gratitude; it is time to pass that on.

This book is a treasure of gentle and profound stories of wholeness. It tops the list of books that share insights into wellbeing and wisdom. Do, Do, Do read this book.

[Eduardo Santiago · Rating 5 out of 5]

Near the end, Remen muses on capital-M Mystery:

We have not been raised to cultivate a sense of Mystery. [...] But Mystery does not require action; Mystery requires our attention. Mystery requires that we listen and become open.

Those pages—the whole book, actually—felt curiously relevant to my frame of mind the past few weeks. In fact the way the book came to me is a bit of a Mystery itself involving three events, each improbable on its own, coinciding within just a few days of each other. I welcome whatever forces brought me the book; it was a timely gift.

Remen reminds us of what’s important, or at least reminds us to check in with ourselves, compare our actions to our values, fine-tune or course-correct, and repeat as often as necessary—which should be as long as we live. She offers stories of kindness, trust, compassion, listening, courage; of loss and suffering; and of affirming life. Best of all, and to my delight, she does so without religiobullshit. Despite her titular grandfather’s kabbalistic rabbiness, despite the titular blessings, Remen is firmly grounded in reality while also recognizing and being open to Mystery and the improbably exquisite wonder of it all. She writes with humility and grace and a strong (and convincing) belief in our ability to persevere and celebrate.

[C.E. G · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Rachel Naomi Remen is a doctor turned counselor for people living with cancer. There were a lot of beautiful stories in here about her grandfather and her work - I especially loved the parts on blessings and mystery. Sometimes I found the way she talked about people sort of uncomfortable, especially across difference, and wondered how they would feel about her portrayal of them. But one story, "Broken," about a physician who had a lot of anger about his job and colleagues, hit home so hard I xeroxed it to keep at work.

[Vanessa Ya Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom lent me this book that she’s had forever. It was a lovely book to read over the span of a few months as each short chapter offered anecdotes for life.

There is so much wisdom and beauty in this book that I plan to buy my own copy to reread many passages.

I usually am not Into spiritual or religious books, but this was so much more, even though many religions are mentioned throughout.

I find that my role working in a children’s hospital, overlaps with a lot of Rachel’s experiences and it brought joy to reflect on many similar encounters, especially around dying.

I can’t wait to read her other books!

[Katie Bromm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Remen is a blessing to us all. Her beautiful and powerful storytelling on her life as a physician, as someone who has a chronic illness, and her experiences working with people with terminal illnesses will always stick with me. This book was a huge comfort to me in how our chronic illnesses can give us the gift to see more clearly on what matters most in life. She does not hide the pain that comes with chronic and terminal illnesses, but her insights on the beauty and awareness that may come with them is beautiful. I was reminded through reading this book not how I want to die, but how I want to live. May we all be blessings to one another. ♥️

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this read. The stories are ones that fill the soul, and I love how it touched on the strength, connectedness, and wholeness than can come from suffering and grief. Being in the healthcare field myself, I appreciated her perspective on holistic care, an area in which that the medical field has a lot of room for growth.

[Chase Spurbeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

This absolutely changed my life. Anyone in medicine should read this book. Anyone who wants to understand how to find gratitude through living, and how to face grief as an emotion that moves us through life with purpose should read this book. So greatful for this blessing and to have heard Remen’s reasons for moving into mental health care.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a beautiful book. Gentle and warm and full of insight and encouragement. I think I will need to get my own copy.

There is an interesting mash up of religious teachings, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, mysticism, and it all works together.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This fed my soul and called forth tears to water my heart over and over again. What grew was hope, renewed faith and celebration.

[ABM · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspirational stories

[Maribel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartwarming. Have a box of Puffs at the ready.

[Tina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting look on the world.

[Rita · Rating 4 out of 5]

2000
Recommended by Mia Meijer
Inspirational
I don't normally read inspirational books, but Mia had this on her top-ten favorite books, and had a copy to lend. What a surprising book! What a life story Rachel Remen has -- only child of older hard-working professionals. Full of ambition and determination, even after a collapse at age 16 and a diagnosis of Crohn's disease [no cure, bad prognosis].

Her marvelous memories of her wise grandfather's caring for her and nuggets of wisdom [he died when she was 7] -- she notes that he was probably much less available to his own daughter [her mother] when she was a child.

Much of Remen's book is quite short accounts of outstanding anecdotes of people dealing with severe illness, death of a loved one, and so on. Remen lectured a lot, apparently mostly telling a lot of anecdotes like these to make her point that mind and body are interrelated, and mind/feeling can play a large role in getting well. She discusses how new [and rejected] this idea was when she first started lecturing on it in the 1970s[?] to doctors and nurses.

Reading several of these anecdotes really gives a good impression of the mind-body linkage, or of the spiritual side of health and illness, if you will.

COMMONWEAL is the organization [near San Fran] started by Michael Lerner [Tikkun] where Rachel set up her integrative medicine programs and counseling. See her own website too, which has several of the stories from this book. One is below, another two I have as WORD docs in my Documents folder.

<<
For several weeks, I could not get this simple, powerful dream out of my mind, and eventually I described it to a friend who had a deep interest in dreams and their meanings. “Perhaps there is a conversation going on between the rock and the daffodil,” she said. … With surprise, I realized I knew this conversation well. The rock was saying, “It’s a dangerous world. DON’T BLOOM! I will keep you safe.”

I began to laugh. “That rock sounds just like my father,” I told her. “And mine,” she said and asked if I could hear the other side of the conversation—-“What was the bulb saying?” “I need to bloom,” I told her. “Blooming is my whole purpose for being alive.” She frowned. “It should feel good to have that rock between you and danger, shouldn’t it?” she asked, “ But it doesn’t, really.” Suddenly my eyes filled with tears. I had no idea why. We let the matter drop there. From time to time I would think about it, and once I dreamt it again. It was just as disturbing.

Some years later I was agonizing over a major career change. The stress of this decision became intense, and one morning I awoke with a severe pain in my back. After the third or fourth day, I went to see my doctor, who told me that the pain did not correspond with anything anatomical he knew about. The pain went on for weeks. Finally someone suggested I consult an acupuncturist …This was not the usual thing to do at that time, but I had become desperate and so I had gone. Dr. Rossman ran his finger lightly down my back. When he touched the place that was hurting, the pain was so intense that I cried out. “Ah, he said, “ this is an acupuncture point. The life energy is stuck here.” … As soon as I felt the needle, the old, half-forgotten image of the daffodil bulb and the rock reappeared to me with extraordinary clarity. Suddenly I understood how the rock felt. The rock was afraid to let the bulb bloom. It knew the daffodil’s value and was determined that it must not come to harm. If it bloomed and became visible, it could be hurt. I also understood for the first time that if it did bloom, the daffodil might die.

Survival was a high priority in our family. My father, and indeed many other members of my family, had been made fearful of life by the Depression and the war. They had become experts at surviving. Surviving was a question of tenacity, of putting safety above all other considerations. Living, on the other hand, was a matter of passion and risk. Of finding something important and serving it. Of doing whatever was needed in order to live out loud.

As a child of my family, I had not understood the difference in this way before. Perhaps survival was not the goal of life at all. As I anxiously began to wonder if it was possible to protect something without stopping the life in it, in my mind’s eye the rock spontaneously began to change its shape. As I watched in surprise, slowly it became taller and thinner and more transparent until I realized it was becoming a greenhouse. Inside it, the daffodil bulb put out a spike and bloomed. The yellow of the flower was extraordinary—as if it were made not of petals but of light. Lying there on Dr. Rossman’s table, I began to weep.

In the blink of an eye, things had turned inside out. The reason the rock had given the bulb for not blooming was the very reason it was important to bloom. It was a dangerous world, a world of suffering, loneliness, and loss. Daffodils were needed.

My family had actually cultivated fear. After I was bitten by a stray dog as a child and underwent a painful series of rabies shots, I became terrified of all dogs. My father encouraged this, believing that it would keep me safe. It had never occurred to me before that fear might be the wrong sort of protection.

After the first treatment, my pain never came back. When I revisited Dr. Rossman to discuss this with him, he told me that the acupuncture point where my life energy had been blocked was called the “Heart Protector”.

Shortly afterward, I left my secure and respectable faculty position at Stanford and moved down the peninsula to join with others who also dreamt of finding a new way to practice medicine.

Perhaps finding the right protection is the first responsibility of anyone hoping to make a difference in this world. Caring deeply makes us vulnerable. You cannot move things forward without exposure and involvement, without risk and process and criticism. Those who wish to change things may face disappointment, loss, or even ridicule. If you are ahead of your time, people laugh as often as they applaud, and being there first is usually lonely. But our protection cannot come between us and our purpose. Right protection is something within us rather than something between us and the world, more about finding a place of refuge and strength than finding a hiding place.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book! The author is a cancer physician who counsels with people dealing with cancer. Though raised by almost athiest parents, her grandfather secretly taught her of his beliefs as an Orthodox Jew while she was a young child. It is so beautifully written and speaks of the kindness and goodness of humanity, of finding joy,awe and peace in the midst of our trials interwoven with her beliefs. She shares many different stories that she has learned from those she has come in contact with in her life. There are so many beautiful little quotes throughout the book but my favorite is the following because it speaks of the beauty and wonder of this life which I need to remember and regain the awe that my life deserves. I cried my way through many chapters, I don't know if this is because I read it in the weeks following my surgery, but it touched my soul.
This a prayer that her grandfather used to say regularly:
"Days pass and the years vanish and we walk sightless amoung miracles. Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing. Let there be moments when your Presence, like lightening, illuminates the darkness in which we walk. Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns, unconsumed. And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness and exclaim in wonder, "HOW FILLED WITH AWE IS THIS PLACE AND WE DID NOT KNOW IT!"
If anyone wants to read this, I have a copy.....you will love it too!

[CarrieLyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to warm up to this book. Parts of it seem cliche, but parts are really memorable. I love the story of the boy who is crazy about his hot wheels car, but when a bunch of people give him hot wheels, he puts them all away because he doesn't know how to love that many. And, big surprise ending, the epilogue draws on the story of the Jaredites in the Book of Mormon as an example of how we should be willing to step out of our comfort zone knowing that we can rely on the light provided by the finger of God. The author seems like a truly wonderful person who has respect for all religions, all people (including a drug dealer whom she credits with teaching her, a trained M.D., how to draw blood). The frustrating thing about the book is that you want to understand her own story; how she went from being a pediatrician to being a counselor to cancer patients; if she reconciled with her father; how she overcame her illness (Crohn's disease), but that is not the point of her book. But you still want to know. Maybe I needed to read her other book to get her story.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not being a novel with a plot, I found it difficult to get around to reading this book. But, that being said, once I did pick it up, I enjoyed it. There were many inspiring passages and wished I weren't reading a library copy so I could underline and mark up the book. However, by the middle of the book I realized that I had forgotten most of the "inspiring" passages. I think this was due to there being just too much to remember and retain. Maybe if I were in the medical field or going through a medical crisis, I would have been able to relate to the book better and retain more.

I really think that every medical professional should read this book. I love how the author, a medical professional herself, acknowledged that there are some things that science cannot explain, and that it is this very mystery that gives life meaning.

I would probably have to read this book many times in order to actually remember enough of it, but this probably won't happen.