Don't let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children

by Charles Rubin

Defies the myth that parents must sacrific themselves. Instead, shows them how to reclaim their power, balance, happiness...and lives. When kids turn to substance abuse, parents also become vicims as they watch their children transform into irrational and antisocial individuals. This harrowing scenario finds parents buckling beneath the stress--often with catastrophoric Divorce, career upsets, breakdowns and worse. "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" is a landmark work that dares focus on the plight of the confused, distressed parent and not the erring child. It sets aside any preconceived ideas that parents are to blame for what is essentially a full-blown global crisis. Drawing on interviews with parents who've survived the heartbreak of kids on drugs, combined with his own experience, Charles Rubin provides practical advice on how parents can help themselves and their families by first attending to their own needs. Liberation begins when you open this book.

Genres: Self Help, Addiction, Psychology

228 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 12, 2011

Reviews

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading Charles Rubin's book and so far the author is right on point. Four days later...
This is the most helpful book I've read on drug and alcohol addicted children and no matter what age our adult children become, they are still our children. The author spoke to me as he expressed his life and I understood the truth about all these stages we allow ourselves to go through.
As a parent like the author, we have endured the most heart-breaking ordeal a parent can go through. It is a tremendous loss for all concerned...
I've been through the process and it was never ending, but I decided recently no more help, no more money handed over, no more lawyers, the list is very long. From this book alone, more than any others- I can draw a positive conclusion and something I'd already decided-stop. Help is there when you need it and for all who what it.
In my heart I will not give up for both our sakes. Now is the time for my life. I now draw the line, and on one side- it's my life and on the other side- it's my daughter's life. No crossing over.

To the author thank you for sharing your story, your book!
Update: 2-26-13 Helps comes in mysterious way and betters days are ahead for us, a time to love, a time for healing and being together.

[Bobbi Woods · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reassures the parent with a drug or alcohol addicted child that it is OK to set boundaries, to detach and to take care of yourself. When your child is a legal adult, they are making their own choices--yes it is a disease, however, it is a disease with choices. It is amazing to read scenarios of other families that sound so incredibly familiar. When you are in the throws of your child's addiction, it is easy to feel like you are alone. Everyone around you--friends, coworkers--have seemingly "normal" kids. In fact, it almost seems like everyone else has "overachievers"--military academies, Harvard, etc. This book tells the stories of other families in your same situation and encourages programs such as Al-Anon, where you will find comfort in sharing and listening to others in your same situation. This book stresses how important it is to take care of yourself--you only get ONE life and you should live it fully and not wallow in self-pity and shame. This attitude takes time to understand and develop--literature, daily meditations and meetings are quite helpful.

[Janet McDaniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Addiction

I really like your book. I'm a 63 year old grandmother whose 40 yrs old daughter is addicted to drugs. Your book made me feel so much better about myself. I am hoping to adopt my two grandchildren who have been through hell. My husband and I have done so much for my daughter. It didn't help. Now, I understand because of your book. I would recommend it to anyone going through this. You made a believer out of me. Please keep writing, you're helping people like me. Please write one concerning the effects on innocent children of these addicts. Thank You for writing this book.

[Rosa]

This book was awesome!! This book saved my life as a mom with 2 sons addicted to xanax. This book helped me become strong enough to ask my to leave my home. I refuse to allow them to destroy my happiness due to there negative choices. Most importantly, this book helped me to understand I wasnt alone . So many other parents are dealing with the same B.S. drug addicted kids are putting the whole family through.Thank you for publishing this book it saved my sanity and my life!!

[Dina McPhee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard about this book in a group counseling session. The person sharing it's value claims she has to buy it repeatedly because she ends up giving them away to others. I ordered it immediately.
It is the best book I've read on dealing with drug and alcohol addicted children. My new Bible. I intend to read it repeatedly and refer back to it when need be.
Mr. Charles Rubin, thank you for this book. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for all the case studies and helpful advice. I am so very grateful.

[Teresa Downer · Rating 5 out of 5]

VERY HELPFUL

This was the most helpful and real information I could find. When you are dealing with your child on drugs, you feel helpless and have no clue on what you should do. This book explains what you should do, and even more importantly, what you should not do. I wish I had read this a long time ago. Even though I couldn't change what my grown child does, I could have changed what I did and saved myself a lot of money, grief and frustration. I am going to buy a copy of this book for my husband, hoping that it will help him cope with our situation as much as it has helped me.

[Trisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wouldn’t call this a must read for parents of addicts but I would say the advice in here is sound when you’ve tried to help in many different ways. Whether it is drugs, toxic relationships or mental health, there are many reasons why setting hard boundaries with children may be needed. It is a myth that we, as parents, have to be nothing but giving to our children when in fact it causes so many issues both inside a home and outside. I love that this reminds people of that. Being a parent is forever, parenting is a short-term job.

[Ann Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartbroken that I had to read this book, but so thankful that it's written and was available at my local library. Thank you dear author, you've helped me immensely and I no longer feel alone and isolated. I tried several other books on this topic and was disappointed. This book and my Al-Anon meetings are literally saving me. The only reason I didn't give it 5 stars is because it's poorly edited with typos. The content is exceptional.

[Jeffery · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a useful book for those parents or grandparents of adult children who are addicts. Rubin is straightforward about his experience as a father of two drug addicts, and all the pain, drama, manipulations and false hopes that such a life involves. He has counseled with many others in the same position, and relates many stories to illustrate his arguments of how to deal with the many ups and downs, hopes, failures, lies, etc., that the parent of an adult addict may experience. Rubin does not give false hopes that the parent can ever stop the adult child's addiction - that is up to the addict. Indeed, this is an authentic and gritty account of what it takes to survive such an ordeal as a parent.

It is a helpful book concerning what "tough love" looks like; the mental attitude that must be behind it; and how very strong boundaries can help the parent navigate the late night phone calls, arrests, pleading, false hopes and threats that life with many addicts involves. He does not put a soft edge to it - he advocates a very strong form of self-protection and tough love, because he has seen many lives ruined by addiction. It may help such a parent just to read about so many stories of others, because it can give an emotional and mental distance to see the situation afresh, free of the trauma and upheaval of having to go through it yourself. He puts words to what so many have suffered. And because his experiences have been so harsh (from what he says), the responses he advocates are strict. In that way, it is a helpful book.

But the book has weaknesses. It is full of anecdotes and stories, but never seems to dip even the slightest toe into what research has found about working with addicts and their families. If we looked at 500 cases, what would we see that tends to work best? What has been the broad, overall experiences of those who run Al-Anon or drug treatment counseling centers? Rubin never discusses addiction from that angle, or gives a single citation to back up his strong assertions. I was left wondering what other people's experiences have been, or if his story was common. I would love for him to connect with the larger research on his next edition, or include some observations of people who have lived through and studied the experiences of parenting adult addicts.

His writing can be quite repetitious, especially in the Introduction (3rd edition) where he states repeatedly how unique his book is. But once you are into the first chapters he moves very carefully through quite a wide range of topics - he is thorough.

His harsh boundaries might be pragmatically necessary, but they might leave a person of faith wondering how to reconcile an adage to "turn the other cheek" and "forgive 70 times 7 times" with Rubin's admonition that you have to largely abandon the child in order to save yourself. Of course, life is complicated, and so both may be true.

[Leslie Segi]

Informative but not sure of accuracy of some statements

The title caught me. As the parent of 2 addict children, one of whom died of an overdose, I was interested to see what the author had to say. The "real life" chapter introductions left me hanging. ( What happened to the elderly couple in Florida with the violent alcoholic son?) And what is with the part towards the end of the book about "some drug takers recover so they weren't really addicts they were just dependent on drugs". Wait, what?! And going to all anon for "about five years"? Says who? Many people (including me) don't ever want to stop going to all anon. The advice in the beginning of the book was great about making the break from your manipulating addict.

[Michele · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author candidly addresses the subject of parenting an addicted loved one by sharing his own and other peoples' experiences. Some of the information is very helpful, but not especially hopeful. I agree with the overall theme of taking care of yourself/getting help for yourself over staying codependent with the addict in your life, but he presents the information in a somewhat cynical way and from a completely humanistic perspective. I personally have faith in God which allows me to trust that He is able to do miracles and that gives me hope. I gleaned some good info from this book, but not enough to recommend it to others.

[Dana Glossbrenner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got over reading self-help in my thirties (that was thirty years ago). Not that I don't need it. But I know lots of people in my generation who are losing the best years of their lives to the agony of drug- and alcohol-addicted adult children. Rubin's story and his encouragement is empowering. I recommend it to everyone I see who has that defeated slump to their posture and hopeless look in their eyes when the subject of "So, how're the kids?" comes up.

[Denise Krochta · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book coming from the father's perspective. It has a lot of arguments against enabling. His suggestions make a lot of sense.

[Cindy Main · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good read. Helped me to better understand what I was up against and what it really means to be a parent of an addict. I found this book quite helpful

[Elizabeth Meyers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Harsh to some who haven't been in his position. Sound advice for those who have.

[William C Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

A life changing book

For the first time in a long time I had a happy day! Read. Read. Read. It will help you move on.

[Therese · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title gives a good idea of the contents. This is a pretty short read - it took me about two hours to get through. It is geared more for parents of adult children than younger teens, and more for those who are already veterans of protracted, years-long struggles with entrenched and severe substance abuse problems, versus more high-functioning kids with more mild or manageable issues. In that respect, it is kind of a wake-up call for parents whose kid may just be starting to have problems about just how bad a drug problem can get, to the point where the parents may face threats of physical violence and abuse from the troubled adult child, destruction of their property, and devastation of their careers, finances, social lives, and other family relationships. So it is quite an eye-opening discussion about setting limits very early on with regard to how much you might be willing to sacrifice to help a kid with substance abuse issues, and at what point your efforts to help can turn into making it worse. So it's a useful book just to hear about experiences on the extreme end of the spectrum.

The downsides of the book are that it's not informed so much by more recent evidence-based findings and approaches in the fields of substance abuse treatment and addiction medicine, particularly the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach. So, some of the attitudes the book expresses and the ideas it endorses are really outdated and far too negative. I'm reading it alongside a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, which goes very in-depth on evidence-based approaches and provides important perspective and counterpoints.

[Mary Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't have a drug-addicted child that I know of. But I have suffered the agonizing pain of being betrayed and cut off from a loving relationship due to foolish choices & false narratives supplied or invented by people with mental health & control issues. The pain of not knowing if your child is in danger and or watching their worldview & grasp of reality morph into false narratives is nearly unbearable, especially when you have sacrificed your finances, health, and decades of loving and caring for them. This book offers realistic encouragement to help a parent detach from their kids who are devastating them. He wisely reminds parents what they can control (themselves) & how to let the child suffer the consequences of their choices. It is so important to move on and find joy again, not allowing the kids to kill you or rob you of your health and happiness.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worth your time

I am a parent of an addict and so much of what Rubin talks about in this book is true in terms of the devastating impact a drug addicted “ child” has on parents.
As I have said many times… it it a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
My only criticism of this book is that Rubin makes some generalizations throughout the book that he does not back with any scientific proof, therefore, the statements are just his opinion without him stating so.

[Mary Mah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!

Great book! Quite an eye-opener. I wish it had been in my life a little sooner, but better late than never, as they say. The author was able to clarify a few issues for me that were holding me back from sound what needed to be done to free myself from my son's addiction and manipulative behavior.

[Sandra England · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is by far the most helpful book ever written for parents of addicts. I have struggled for years and years with my daughters addiction. Crying,begging,yelling,blaming and losing myself and and my health deteriorating in the process. I’m so thankful for this book to open my eyes to so many heartbreaking realities but also necessary.

[Michael Brajczewski · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a Certified Family Recovery Specialist, I strongly recommend this book as a primer for many family members. Maybe parents, more than others, will find this helpful. Look past the title and read for the content on dealing with surviving the terror of dealing with family members wracked with substance use disorder.

[Jennifer Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read

A must read for any parent going through the trenches of hell with an addict child. Not just a book.. but, a go to in times of need. Thank you to the author for sharing. Well written.

[Faith Shallis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spot On

The title of this book caught my eye at the perfect time. My alcoholic adult son had dragged me once again into his problems. I found myself reading and thinking yes, yes, yes. If you are a parent with an addicted child please do yourself a favor and read this.

[Judith Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I had read this 40 years ago! Even for parents of the "perfect" child, I encourage reading this book to understand the realities of how a good kid can make poor choices. It speaks beyond addiction to enabling your child. I listened to it on Audible twice.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has some good advice if you have anyone in your life who may be into drugs, alcohol or any other behavior that is self destructive.

[Cecile Champeau-Hoare · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good, makes you feel like you aren't alone without making you feel depressed regarding the situation you are in.

[Jocelynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This helped me in many ways.

[Theresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and helpful for parents of addicted children. Easy reading and gives parents ideas to help themselves along with their children

[Karen Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never highlighted so many paragraphs

a must read for parents suffering with an addicted child. Such a relief! I will carry this book around with me everywhere.