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Us: A User's Guide
Veteran marriage coach Daniel L. Tocchini doesn't want to improve marriages. He wants to transform them. Drawing on personal experience and stories from couples he has coached, he offers practical guidance to move couples beyond communication tricks and gimmicks to help them truly understand "Us" for the first time—talking honestly, listening generously, tackling tricky issues, breaking out of ruts, and abandoning self-centered "consumer thinking." Innovative, insightful, and thoroughly biblical, Tocchini's approach has helped thousands in his popular seminars. Whether a marriage is in deep trouble or just coasting along, it's time for Christian couples to read the User's Guide that God intended.
212 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2010
74 people are currently reading
307 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
May 9, 2020
Marriage “coach” (I never was quite sure how this title differed from the idea of a marriage “counselor” or “therapist” or than being a sports analogy) Daniel Tocchini has provided here a unique perspective on the essence of a successful marriage, rooted in what he sees as a rather “revolutionary” shift in the predominantly selfish perspective of the dominant cultural metanarrative. In that self-centered, self-aggrandizing story, the goal of “marriage” is to please or better ourselves. In other words, the focus is always on how having a spouse can benefit us, rather than the other way around. This leads, Tocchini explains, to an understanding of the marital relationship as a life-long attempt to “fix” our partner’s problems in order to ensure they can better serve our needs and improve rather than complicate our personal lives. Tocchini labels this the “consumer” view of marriage.
Clearly, such a selfish view of marriage makes for untenable long-term relationships. (I mean, divorce MUST happen if, at any point, my spouse fails in his/her intended “improvement” role.) Tocchini sets out to expose this toxic perspective by making a startling claim: NEITHER spouse “must” change in order to for a marriage to improve. The key to a healthy, successful marriage is, then, the ability for any couple to change their relational perception from “You and Me” to “Us,” where the dyad takes on an almost independent identity. “They shall become one flesh,” I read in a Good Book once (Gen. 2:24). This new “Us” is shrouded in mystery; the work and wonder of marriage is to discover and explore this new reality.
This view makes all the “differences”—personality differences, family-of-origin differences, differences of taste and preference, differences of education and socioeconomic background, etc—avenues to be explored rather than problems to be “overcome.” Those very differences are what comprise the “Us” as distinct from the “You” and the “Me.”
So, what is the mechanism that moves a couple from the patently selfish, subtly adversarial “You and Me” to the more cooperative, adventurous “Us”? The answer is relatively simple: good communication. (You had to see that coming!) The rest of the book, then, proceeds from this theoretical foundation into a kind of “how-to” manual of good communication in a marriage, a sort of series of “coaching lessons.”
For me, what rescues this section from being just a tired “rehash” of every other book about the importance of communication to a healthy marriage is Tocchini’s use of Brueggemann’s concept of “othering,” which he defines as “simply loving your spouse by willing their good.” From this covenantal perspective, “complaining” (which is the chief mode of communication in most marriages) should be perceived as an expression of “yearning” for a deeper relationship. Complaints, then, are NOT threatening to a marriage but are signs pointing the way to a deeper relationship. That path is paved with honesty, forgiveness, and, ultimately, promise, especially the promise that any marriage can be dramatically improved by the discovery of the larger “Us.”
Overall, I found Tocchini’s attempt at “reframing” the nature of marriage and the role of communication within it to be largely helpful and theologically well-grounded (though, I must say, his explanation of the etymological “kinship” between the terms “forgiveness” and “promise” was, frankly, absolute nonsense). I was pleased to see the predominant weight given to a theological construct rather than the latest sociological study of marriage.
That is not to say it was all theoretical. Tocchini presented multiple case studies (they read almost like counseling verbatims) to illustrate these principles at work. I did feel that, in some instances, these reconstructed dialogues were a bit long for the points they were meant to illustrate. However, that feeling could be more the consequence of my unfamiliarity with the genre of the counseling verbatim overall, rather than any particular fault in Tocchini’s use of it.
I suppose one of my biggest fears when reading a book such as this is that, at the end, there will be very little “pay-off” for the reading time I’ve invested…that the grand “conclusion” of the book will prove to be something I already know or something so self-evident that it hardly needed a book to “prove” or “explain” it. However, that was not the case here; I do feel that Tocchini has added to the ongoing conversation, that he has correctly diagnosed an oft-hidden problem that plagues many marriages, and that he has offered fresh insight into ways that ALL couples can act to move past those obstacles.
Clearly, such a selfish view of marriage makes for untenable long-term relationships. (I mean, divorce MUST happen if, at any point, my spouse fails in his/her intended “improvement” role.) Tocchini sets out to expose this toxic perspective by making a startling claim: NEITHER spouse “must” change in order to for a marriage to improve. The key to a healthy, successful marriage is, then, the ability for any couple to change their relational perception from “You and Me” to “Us,” where the dyad takes on an almost independent identity. “They shall become one flesh,” I read in a Good Book once (Gen. 2:24). This new “Us” is shrouded in mystery; the work and wonder of marriage is to discover and explore this new reality.
This view makes all the “differences”—personality differences, family-of-origin differences, differences of taste and preference, differences of education and socioeconomic background, etc—avenues to be explored rather than problems to be “overcome.” Those very differences are what comprise the “Us” as distinct from the “You” and the “Me.”
So, what is the mechanism that moves a couple from the patently selfish, subtly adversarial “You and Me” to the more cooperative, adventurous “Us”? The answer is relatively simple: good communication. (You had to see that coming!) The rest of the book, then, proceeds from this theoretical foundation into a kind of “how-to” manual of good communication in a marriage, a sort of series of “coaching lessons.”
For me, what rescues this section from being just a tired “rehash” of every other book about the importance of communication to a healthy marriage is Tocchini’s use of Brueggemann’s concept of “othering,” which he defines as “simply loving your spouse by willing their good.” From this covenantal perspective, “complaining” (which is the chief mode of communication in most marriages) should be perceived as an expression of “yearning” for a deeper relationship. Complaints, then, are NOT threatening to a marriage but are signs pointing the way to a deeper relationship. That path is paved with honesty, forgiveness, and, ultimately, promise, especially the promise that any marriage can be dramatically improved by the discovery of the larger “Us.”
Overall, I found Tocchini’s attempt at “reframing” the nature of marriage and the role of communication within it to be largely helpful and theologically well-grounded (though, I must say, his explanation of the etymological “kinship” between the terms “forgiveness” and “promise” was, frankly, absolute nonsense). I was pleased to see the predominant weight given to a theological construct rather than the latest sociological study of marriage.
That is not to say it was all theoretical. Tocchini presented multiple case studies (they read almost like counseling verbatims) to illustrate these principles at work. I did feel that, in some instances, these reconstructed dialogues were a bit long for the points they were meant to illustrate. However, that feeling could be more the consequence of my unfamiliarity with the genre of the counseling verbatim overall, rather than any particular fault in Tocchini’s use of it.
I suppose one of my biggest fears when reading a book such as this is that, at the end, there will be very little “pay-off” for the reading time I’ve invested…that the grand “conclusion” of the book will prove to be something I already know or something so self-evident that it hardly needed a book to “prove” or “explain” it. However, that was not the case here; I do feel that Tocchini has added to the ongoing conversation, that he has correctly diagnosed an oft-hidden problem that plagues many marriages, and that he has offered fresh insight into ways that ALL couples can act to move past those obstacles.
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February 7, 2014My husband was out of town and I was angry with him when I read this book. By the time he returned, I was feeling much more loving and accepting.
January 6, 2020
I liked this book in regards to how He has couples deal with situations in a relationship. This isn't a checklist type or these are the steps to take/who's right-who's wrong type of book, but more along the lines of how one views the relationship in the first place, and then helps you shift your perception of your spouse in a way that is enlightening.
June 17, 2017
We can always be better
This book is great for different insights on how to better a marriage. No matter how good you think your marriage is you can always improve. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to every one.
This book is great for different insights on how to better a marriage. No matter how good you think your marriage is you can always improve. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to every one.
November 16, 2019
I LIKE THIS BOOK,
April 22, 2022
Good Read!
March 9, 2017
This is a good book that talks about how to reframe conversations we have as married couples with an eye towards seeing the goal of our relationship honor God and reflect His glory. There are practical steps for each of us to engage in and a chance to review the results. This is much more than just another book aimed at helping us feel more guilty about where we fall short.
July 9, 2015
Daniel says, “We don’t need to change, fix, or better the bad stuff about US: we need the kind of change we call transformation—changing how we view ourselves, our spouse and our marriage. In other words, the way you view your spouse or a particular situation you are in—will determine the quality of your life!” Wow!
“Do you view one another as a product?”; consumerism can and does seep into marriage. We were born into it...it’s everywhere. “A consumer views marriage as if it exists for individual fulfillment. If a spouse isn’t being fulfilled, then that 'consumer' looks for another relationship or even falls into an addiction to fulfill their particular need—whether to look good, feel good, be right or be in control.”
This book opened my eyes to many things about how we view relationships of any kind. I like how Daniel Tocchini writes. He keeps it simple and gives great examples from different couples he’s counseled, so you get the point he’s trying to make. He also writes dialogue between couples in order to show you that point. There are six powerful chapters in this book and each one has great exercises for you to do, then followed by an overview.
I really was touched by what this author had to say about how changing your point of view can change your world and those around you. This book will help you no matter what stage your marriage is in or how long you’ve been married. It’s not about me—It’s about US! I’m so thankful to have received a review copy of this book. It’s a simple, but deep and thought provoking read. Daniel presents his information in a positive manner - one that is hopeful and not discouraging. I’ll definitely be reading this again!
Disclosure of Material Connection:
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”
Nora St.Laurent
The Book Club Network www.bookfun.org
The Book Club Network blog www.psalm516.blogspot.com
Book Fun Magazine www.bookfunmagazine.com
“Do you view one another as a product?”; consumerism can and does seep into marriage. We were born into it...it’s everywhere. “A consumer views marriage as if it exists for individual fulfillment. If a spouse isn’t being fulfilled, then that 'consumer' looks for another relationship or even falls into an addiction to fulfill their particular need—whether to look good, feel good, be right or be in control.”
This book opened my eyes to many things about how we view relationships of any kind. I like how Daniel Tocchini writes. He keeps it simple and gives great examples from different couples he’s counseled, so you get the point he’s trying to make. He also writes dialogue between couples in order to show you that point. There are six powerful chapters in this book and each one has great exercises for you to do, then followed by an overview.
I really was touched by what this author had to say about how changing your point of view can change your world and those around you. This book will help you no matter what stage your marriage is in or how long you’ve been married. It’s not about me—It’s about US! I’m so thankful to have received a review copy of this book. It’s a simple, but deep and thought provoking read. Daniel presents his information in a positive manner - one that is hopeful and not discouraging. I’ll definitely be reading this again!
Disclosure of Material Connection:
I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”
Nora St.Laurent
The Book Club Network www.bookfun.org
The Book Club Network blog www.psalm516.blogspot.com
Book Fun Magazine www.bookfunmagazine.com
January 20, 2010
When I started reading Us, I didn't know what to expect. To me the title alone promises big things and I think this book delivers. I had read a few chapters and already felt myself putting some of the things into practice. In fact I was stomping around angry at my husband last night for something I thought he did, then I read a chapter of us and realized I was assuming he did it and I was assuming I kinew his motivation, when truthfully I did not. This is a big no-no and one of the habits that I need to change. Now my marriage is actual good - I mean we have our moments, but I think Us can really help us get closer and get closer to God.
Daniel Tocchini writing is easy to understand. He gives the habit or point he is talking about in the chapter, backs it up with Bible teaching and then usually uses a story from a couple who had this problem and worked through it. The chapters have really hit home with me and I see ways I can make a good marriage wonderful and keep it that way for our lives. And as the author points out - this is good for all involved, husband, wife and family.
The answers aren't all easy - they will take time to put into place but I think if I do a little at a time to try and change my thinking, this book can really help improve our marriage. And it's not a dry marriage manual - it was actually hard to put down - I kept wanting to learn more and more about what Daniel himself has learned.
The book is put together well and whether your marriage is struggling a little or a lot, whether you are just married or married for 25 years, whether your blissfullly happy or not, all married couples and couples contemplating marriage can use this book.
Daniel Tocchini writing is easy to understand. He gives the habit or point he is talking about in the chapter, backs it up with Bible teaching and then usually uses a story from a couple who had this problem and worked through it. The chapters have really hit home with me and I see ways I can make a good marriage wonderful and keep it that way for our lives. And as the author points out - this is good for all involved, husband, wife and family.
The answers aren't all easy - they will take time to put into place but I think if I do a little at a time to try and change my thinking, this book can really help improve our marriage. And it's not a dry marriage manual - it was actually hard to put down - I kept wanting to learn more and more about what Daniel himself has learned.
The book is put together well and whether your marriage is struggling a little or a lot, whether you are just married or married for 25 years, whether your blissfullly happy or not, all married couples and couples contemplating marriage can use this book.
July 22, 2015
This isn't just another marriage book. It's a user guide to discovery about yourself and gets down to some critical mindsets that could be sabotaging the quality of your relationship with your spouse. It's only for those who are seriously looking to change themselves and have a Kingdom-based marriage instead of a consumer-based marriage.
May 16, 2012
It was ok...not enough practical examples for me.
June 4, 2015
Very helpful, different perspective - basically postulates the need to move from consumerism as a dating mentality to "othering"
December 10, 2012
Great book on relationbships. Some of it is dry but overall worth the read.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews